Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one to Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Oh, I'm never going to get out today.

No, you see, I've always tried to teach my children by example.

Gerald!

Oh, if you're not doing anything, cool my tea for me, will you?

Don't be disgusted. Use your book.

Oh, God, I've lost the other one now. Careful.

Oh, he looks smart.

Now, if you're going off the idea of joining the Navy, that's all right by

The Army's just as good and you won't get seasick.

Well, I'm not joining anything.

But you'll love the army. They teach you to walk backwards with mud on your face

and shoot people.

I don't want to.

Oh, here it is.

Then what are you going to do? He's going to train to look after old people,

especially those with mental problems.

Oh, now that sounds very commendable. And where do you train for that? Here.

You're not funny.

No, but you are. You've got both of them on one eye.

That's where the other one went.

Oh, you could have told me. After all I do for you.

Like what?

Well, who does the shopping? I do.

All right, well, what about the washing and ironing? I do.

Who makes the meals?

We do. All right, then, who eats them? You do. No, sons, this is never in.

Gerald, that is not fair.

I always say in Wednesday evenings I like a rest before the weekend.

Oh, God, where have they gone? I should keep them on two pieces. It's raining.

Do you want me to help you? No, thank you.

Last time you put them on upside down.

I went all the way to work thinking it was raining.

I'm sorry, I promise not to do that again.

I tell you what, if you tell me what time you're in tonight, I'll have your

ready for you.

Brenda, love, are you feeling all right?

Yeah, fine, why?

Oh, I just can't get used to you being so pleasant.

I'm happy, that's all. Oh, you are, I see.

Have you trod on somebody's pet hamster or something?

It's great having a mother with a sense of humour.

Which mother's that?

Look, it's no use you two changing the subject.

Subject? There are too many people living here.

She's right, you know. Yeah, so, when are you leaving?

You OK?

I am shattered.

Oh, yes?

Well, if you're making some tea, I wouldn't mind a cup. Then you get it.

What? Oh, it doesn't matter.

David, I was up five times last night.

Yes. Tummy trouble, was it?

No, it was daughter trouble.

Zelda now had two more teeth than when she went to bed, and I paid the price.

Bite you, did she?

David, darling, I need help. OK, OK, I'll make some in a minute. I just want

see how the Indians did it.

Do you mind? This is serious.

I'll say.

Said on the radio we were 78 for three at close.

David. This recorder's faulty. Leave it. You can watch your cowboy picture

later. What?

Not cowboys.

They're cricketers.

Although, come to think about it... David, we need a nanny. We can afford a

nanny. That's where you're wrong, I'm afraid.

Only yesterday I was involved in a major financial transaction which has left

the coppers bereft.

Bereft? This should, of course, build up again because business is reasonably

healthy. But a major commitment to a continuing expenditure... David, this is

your wife you're talking to, so you can cut the gobbledygook. What have you

blown it on?

Well, my friend Julian put me in the way of a certain investment opportunity.

One of his clients in financial difficulties was eager to divest himself

major asset.

I acquired Thame for a mere 20 % of its market value.

Well, I hope this major asset can look after your children because at this rate

I'm going to be dead by next weekend.

Pam, it was just as bad for me, you know, last night.

In fact, it was even worse.

I was woken ten times.

Every time you got up and every time you got back in.

They'll be cutting you off.

I've already paid this lot.

Oh, no, I haven't. You'll be in jail next.

It's just a cash flow problem.

Flow means movement.

There's certainly been none of that in your workshop lately.

Well, things haven't sort of taken off since they sort of slowed down. Well,

sort of stopped, actually.

And whose fault was that?

Out gallivanting with a funny one when you should be looking to your

responsibilities at home.

Is it any wonder that Lucinda felt the need to look for solace elsewhere?

Mother, I did not go out gallivanting, as you call it.

Look,

we only met a few times when we shouldn't, and one of them was by

it doesn't count.

Where's Lucinda? Probably, well, every day. Because, I mean, they work together

and they could get up to... Oh, we never even... Well, except for that once when

I had that moustache on and it came off on us, so we didn't do that again.

Do what?

Kiss. Oh.

But, Malcolm, why her, when you had the whole of Cheshire knocking at your door?

Look, Mother, when Lucinda and me first got married, it was OK.

In fact, it was great, and then as we sort of got to know each other, I think

both began to wonder.

You certainly did.

If you'd wondered any further, you'd have met round the other side.

I said wonder.

Oh, wonder.

Yes, I know what you mean.

Once you've licked the toffee off, all you're left with is an apple on a stick.

Marriage, dear.

You can't have stars in the eyes forever.

And once the stars have gone, you start to notice things.

And as you say, wonder.

Yes, I can understand that.

And I can see that her being a nurse might have given you extra cause for

thought. And I suppose when she came home at night, you wondered just where

those hands had been.

Mother, you don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I do. I've seen them

jimmies. Seen them on what?

The hospital programme.

With all those sick Yorkshiremen. Must be the climate.

Mind, those gloves are awful thin.

I'm sure there's no need to blow them up in that disgusting... Hello, Stoneway

Motors. I mean, his mother's house. I mean, my mother's house.

Malcolm? Oh, hello, David. I tried your garage.

Yeah, I'm not there yet, but I will be when I get there. Nothing to do when he

does. Shush.

Pardon? No, not you. My mother's interfering again.

You've got to get out, pal.

Oh, no, it's not that easy.

Anyway, could you spare me an hour sometime this morning?

Yeah, I probably could, fine. Right, I'll see you outside the Coburg at 11.

The Coburg? Oh, that's by... By.

By.

Who are you talking to?

Malcolm. The video needs tuning. The Coburg?

Yes, it's a pub near the river.

And you're taking the video there?

No, I'm just meeting Malcolm there.

You're up to something. There's nothing wrong with that video.

The stupid thing records the wrong station.

No, the stupid thing that sets it records the wrong station. Our Gerald

OK when he was here. Oh, well, he's the right age, isn't he? I mean, these

things aren't designed for adults.

Which is why you rang Malcolm. Yes. You lie.

There's something else. What is it?

Nothing. Are you playing around with him?

I beg your pardon?

You're always up to something. If it's not golf, it's squash or taking some

clients to the hospitality tent when you don't know the game outside tennis or

tiddlywink. You just don't understand business, do you, Pamela? I don't play

golf because I enjoy it.

It's contacts and deals and connections and information.

The golf is incidental. Rather like your wife and family.

Oh, OK.

I'll give in.

What? I'll just take up some other leisure activity.

What shall I do?

I've got to have exercise.

After all, you don't want me in an early grave, do you? Well, I'd like some time

to think about that one.

Pamela, there's a lot of pressure in my job. Sport acts as a safety valve.

But fair do.

Perhaps I ought to switch to something that you could get involved in.

Well, if you're thinking of cricket and you want me to pounce about making

triangular sandwiches and two -gallon pots of tea for some white -flanneled

fairies, you can get stopped.

Hope last.

OK, I'll just think of something else, then.

So, do you think Pam will take to it, then?

I have sown the seed.

Have you?

And this was all part of the deal, was it?

Yeah, four -wheel drive.

We're over 20k new, you know.

At the moment, I couldn't even raise 20 quid.

I think other things are a bit tight.

Well, if you want to take on the maintenance, I'll see you right, OK?

Yeah, fine.

So, do you like her?

Yeah, well, certainly seems well -equipped.

And sound.

Yeah, well, as far as I can tell.

Mind you, I'm no expert.

Although I do know a bit. Well, quite a bit.

But I wouldn't say I was as expert as somebody who is an expert, so to speak.

No one likes to stand up in court and swear on the Bible that she's OK, but

sure she is.

Because I've had experience with Leonard.

I mean, looking after her is not stood on the Bible. I mean, absolutely not.

You love them, though. Oh, of course.

It's just that when you're with them all the time, well, the conversation does

tend to get a bit... Childish. Well, exactly.

And that came as a bit of a shock to you, did it? No, but the novelty wears

I mean, with your best, everything's new and exciting.

Well, then with the next, well, it's just like going back to the beginning

again, and I can't explain it. You mean it's like getting halfway through your

dinner and having to go back to the food?

It's very much like that, actually, more than you know.

How bad are you?

And it's all right for him. He comes to one in after work, plays with them for

half an hour. Then it's bye -bye, baby.

Mummy will take you up.

I've got these papers to look through.

Changed a bit when she recorded their birthday.

Still got that tape.

So now you want someone to take over? No, I just want some help.

Like a live -in nanny? Yeah. Who helps out just 24 hours a day. Are you sorry?

Do you want... There.

I'll go.

I'm going to have a go at this.

Surprise, surprise!

David?

Darling?

Pan,

go easy. You'll break something.

It'll be you if you don't open this door.

Pamela, we're not letting you in here till you promise to behave yourself.

Did you hear what she said?

Yes, I heard.

What did you promise?

Oh, all right.

Don't trust her.

Stop it. You're blocking the children.

That's right.

He means these children.

Let me in.

She's mad.

Yeah, I think she's a bit annoyed.

I meant crazy.

Only bought it so that we could be together more.

Sailing is a sport the whole family can enjoy.

I think her idea is to escape from the kids rather than take them with her.

Escape? From our two little darlings? Yes, like you do.

Not from choice.

It's my work that takes me away from them.

I think she agrees.

What's wrong with having a nanny? We can't afford one where you could have a

gunboat and a boat.

Whose side are you on?

Let her in. No, don't.

Pam, do you promise not to hit him?

Pam?

Are you there?

Don't open it.

I think she's gone. No, it's a trick.

No sign.

Let this be a warning to you, Malcolm.

Don't get married. I've been married.

Then don't do it again.

It's all right if you're with a warm and loving person.

No. Just get yourself a baby alligator.

Even fully grown, they're easier to handle.

Go through. I won't be long.

Hello.

Isn't electricity marvellous? It knows to make the fridge go cold and the

to get hot.

Yeah. Though it sometimes needs a bit of encouragement.

How sporty is it? Don't move.

Shh. For God's sake, listen.

You can hear the little vaults creeping in at the bottom.

Amps. Rick, pardon?

Amps, the current.

Oh, yeah, well, don't you worry about it.

Brenda's changing. Yes, I've noticed.

Do you think she's caught religion?

No, no, into her old clothes. You see, David's bought a boat. He's made me

honorary skipper and we're putting her in the water this afternoon.

Crispin! No, no, the boat.

The trouble is, Pam's gone missing, and David's stuck with the kids, and we

wondered if you'd care to... Oh, I'd love to, Malcolm. I really would love

The only problem is, I've promised to help my friend Enid with the Christmas

shopping. She likes to get it done early while there's still light.

Could you pass me that fish slice, could you?

Oh, thank you.

Excuse you.

She haven't called yet.

But Enid...

I can't remember what I was looking for.

Pamela. No, I don't think so. It was something smaller.

She hasn't called here.

No, I'm sure I've noticed.

Your daughter's walked out on her kids. You as well. Oh, that's terrible.

Pamela. Oh, of course. Yes, you haven't got any, have you? No.

No, of course you haven't. Have you?

And David was wondering whether you'd look after them this afternoon.

Good heavens, is that the time?

Well, I can't stand around here gossiping all day with you two. I've got

and help... Enid. Enid, with her... Christmas shopping.

And if you find what I was looking for, just put it to one side, will you? Hey,

I'll put it with the others.

Is he all right?

Now,

if Pamma calls, just say goodbye to her for me, will you?

Goodbye? Goodbye.

Oh, Cheerio and Brenda, have a lovely christening.

And if you catch a cold, it's your own fault for going in without a scarf.

She's funny, isn't she? Yeah, but not enough to be put away.

I'll talk to you any day.

For you?

Yeah. I'd seem to do without.

Yeah, no problem.

Sorry I didn't get down in time.

Still no sign of Pam?

No.

Brent, could you do me a favour and keep an eye on the kids while I nip round to

the clubhouse?

I need to complete some formalities.

Oh, aye.

Register for the birth and everything.

OK.

It shan't be long.

Shall I really have a go, dear?

I've caught something.

Is it a fly?

No. Is it a beetle? No.

Is it a cow?

No, too many legs.

Same again, Julian?

Yes, why not?

You got her in all right, I see.

Well, my chap did. I was otherwise engaged.

Of course.

Reliable, is he?

Oh, first rate.

He's squaring her up right now. Yes, I saw as I came by.

Brought his own skivvy, I noticed.

Cleaning woman.

Yes, they're a sort of a team.

Looks as if they're finished.

Oh, er... It's all right. They can come in as long as they don't stay.

Yes, but you see, Julian, they'll be rather dirty. Whoops, you're right.

not. What?

They've got kids with them.

Well, they should probably register birth.

Maybe they'll do deaths as well.

Oh, hi.

Right, everything's done that needs to be done.

And the cabin's locked.

And the brake's on.

Oh, yes.

Mummy dropped you off there, didn't she?

I'd have said dropped you in it meself.

Actually,

I'm afraid it's members only.

Oh, I thought so.

Cheers.

third party scour in the country looking for you. Oh, don't talk rubbish. I'm

not. Your photo's on all the buses.

That's because you didn't pay a fare. I don't use buses.

Look, I came round here hoping for some help and support.

It's not much to ask.

No, it's not.

Put Coronation Street on, Gerald.

Mother! I'm sorry.

It's all right, I'll catch the repeat.

Now, what was it, love?

All I'm after is a little bit of help in bringing up his children in that

enormous house he insists we live in. I thought the house was your idea.

Oh, that's all I need, isn't it? Now me own mother's turning against me. No, no,

look, I wouldn't... Wait, you said he went out and bought himself a ship? A

boat.

A boat?

Big, is it?

Big enough.

Then he'll be wanting a crew, I suppose.

What? No, Mother!

Gerald, you haven't even seen it yet. You could try it for six months, and if

you don't like it, you could try it for another six months.

Mother!

Sorry, love. Now, what were you saying?

Yes. On your own?

No, I've got a six -foot Icelandic belly dancer with me.

Oh, well, that's a slight improvement. I heard that.

You started with the sarcasm. You're milled on to the grill.

Oh, I've already eaten.

You have not.

Yeah, I'll just have some of this trifle. I've been to New Brighton with

Oh, really?

So while I'm perspiring over a hot grill pan, you're going out with a Toxteth

trollop.

I've had just about enough of you insulting Brenda. I won't stand for it.

There's a seat right behind you.

Now, look, Mother, I'm warning you... Oh, don't be so melodramatic, Malcolm.

The fact that I don't approve of her is hardy news.

And when it comes to rude remarks, well, I can scarcely compete with her.

If she were bitten by a cobra, it'd be the snake had died.

Well, that's why you're completely out of date. Brenda's changed.

She's a different person.

Brenda? Yes.

You'd better get some glasses. You've been taking out the wrong person.

Mother, look... She's conning you.

She's realised you're on the rebound.

If she's going to hook you properly, she must be a little more cunning than she

was last time.

Believe me, women know these things. Yeah, well, you certainly do. Look, at

moment, she's probably off along New Brighton Promenade, eyeing up an

alternative in case you see through her. Actually, she's not. She's gone home.

Home to a warm and caring mother who knows what's best for her children. I

I've just put her on the train.

Oh, good.

Though only it would have been preferable. Right. That's it.

That's the last straw.

She's still here. Who?

What's her name?

Pamela.

She says she's left him and I think she wants to stay here.

Well, she is your daughter and she is upset.

Yes, but she's got a husband and children and a home and a guest room on

mezzanine with a jacuzzi ensuite.

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, I don't know, but she was always telling me about it.

How can I get rid of her?

I suppose she should go home, even if it's just for the kids' sake. That's

right. That's right. As well as for my sake.

But we've got to be subtle.

Subtle.

Let's think subtle.

Here, purple sprites.

Well,

if you leave them and you have half of everything, which one of the kids will

you have?

Oh, don't say that. I'll have both my babies.

He's got them now. I know he has.

Oh, you're not going for them, though?

No, I'm teaching him a lesson.

Hiya, Bran. Hiya. You all right?

Do I look all right?

I've seen you worse.

Gentle.

Gentle.

Pamela. Yes?

I've brought you this.

What is it?

It's a present.

A present? Yes.

It's a going away present.

I'm not going away.

Well, you can't have it then. Oh, very subtle.

All right, well, you do better.

It's here on the side if you change your mind.

Look, Pam, you've made your point. Go home. Not for his sake, but for the...

Yeah. They'll be missing you something awful by now.

I suppose they will.

And he'll be so pleased to see you. He'll give you anything you want.

Yes, so will she. Shut up.

Oh, all right.

But promise.

What? You won't hit him again. Oh, I was upset.

Of course you were.

I'll come round tomorrow.

To see him okay?

No, to see he's okay.

I've decided I want to come and live where I know there's genuine warmth and

love. Then try next door.