Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Hello? No, thank you. This property already enjoys the benefits of cavity

installation because we recently filled a gap with the remains of a dismembered

telephone salesperson.

Brenda! You still here?

No, Mother, I left ten minutes ago.

Well, that was very sensible because you can't trust the buses this time of day.

Are you doing that early?

Oh, well, you see, it's a fat training afternoon, and Mrs Lewis said it really

would be in everybody's interest if I took the rest of the afternoon off.

Is that you, Gerald?

No. Well, you've arrived just in time. Would you make me a cup of tea?

No. Why doesn't anybody ever give a straight answer in this house?

What's your excuse?

What? What are you doing home early?

Multi -choice exam.

I finished them in an hour.

Now, that's a subject they never had when I was at school.

Seven o 'clock.

Hello?

708 for station two.

Hello?

Somewhere, though. Rung off when he heard the man's voice.

Send in the clowns.

They're all to be clowns.

Don't bother them here.

Hello, 605...

Again?

Hello, Marjorie.

Lucinda.

Little later than usual.

Yes, my car's been playing up. Must get Malcolm to take a look.

Oh, well, as long as it's the only thing that's playing up.

Pardon? Is everything all right?

I don't know.

Were you expecting a phone call?

No, why?

Well, the phone rang when I picked it up. It just went dead.

Somebody's misdialed. Three times.

Different people?

Seems a very popular number with people who are in the habit of misdialing.

Hmm, smells good.

Not to me, it doesn't.

There you go.

Plenty of bitter, a pack of the crisps.

It was a pack of the ciggies.

You smoke too much, eat them.

But I need a pack.

smoking bacon.

I get it.

Hello, Grace?

Oh, hi, Brent, listen, it's me.

Oh, that's the brewery, is it?

Brewery? You want to check the order, do you?

Order? Oh, I see, it's difficult to talk.

That's correct.

Right, I've got you. Now, listen, sorry I didn't get you home, but there's been

a fault on the line at work, and when I did get through, Gerald answered.

Yes, he arrived on the premises earlier than expected.

Right, well, I didn't say anything.

Well, we did try to contact subsequently.

Well, you wouldn't get through to the garage.

No, so we tried you at your base.

Base? You rang me home?

Correct. Did anyone answer?

Correct. Who?

A large barrel of bitter. Did she?

You didn't say anything?

No. I think that concludes the delivery.

Oh, right. When can I see you?

Delivering any time outside of pub hours.

Tomorrow morning, same place as last time? Yes, that'll be suitable.

What time can I expect you?

Can you make it for half ten?

Maybe another 30 martinis.

Oh,

right, right, 11 o 'clock. Fine, I'll see you then, Bren, bye.

Bye. Who was that?

Wrong number.

So I nipped in and had a quick coffee with her. And the house is quite nice,

actually. Anyway, Mrs Austin says it's the best primary school round here at St

Mark's. So I called in at the vestry on the way back and I've arranged to have

Zelda done a week next Sunday.

Done? Oh, you mean christened? A week on Sunday.

Oh, there's a pro -am tournament.

Do I have to?

Of course you do.

Why the rush? Sarah was nearly two.

Because it's important to establish a child in a right -minded, God -fearing

family tradition as soon as possible. And?

And baptism is an important event, not only for the child, but for the parents

and the godparents.

And? Mrs Austin said I can't put her name down for the school till she's been

done. Ah.

Well, you don't think of these things?

Yes, well, knowing you do, we'll probably have arranged everything from

length of the christening robe to how to keep your mother away from the gin

bottle. Just tell me, who are the godparents?

What do you think?

Well, that's immaterial.

Malcolm and Lucinda.

Interesting.

Motive? Oh, that's very cynical. They're our friends.

And Malcolm's a very handy sort of person to know.

Right. So when Zelda's older and has trouble with her washing machine, she

calls the godfather.

Pointless ringing the father, wouldn't it? And when she's feeling not too well,

Lucinda.

It didn't occur to me. I thought so.

All right, what about godparent number three?

Oh, well, it's obvious. She would have been for Sarah if she hadn't been

away at the time.

What, Brenda?

You can't ask her about... Of course you can. It was a very civilised break

-off. I was wondering whether to invite Malcolm's mother, though. What do you

think? Well, tell me. What do I think?

Don't wait. It's somebody who appreciates these things.

And you'd like to show off your new house?

What?

I think it's a great idea.

Oh, you're no help at all, you.

No, but I am agreeable.

David, if I'd suggested you went for total immersion in the Irish Sea with a

shark, a dolphin and a piranha for godparents, you'd have agreed.

Isn't that more or less what you just have done?

You can imagine, there are hundreds. The variation is enormous.

Let me show you how I practise.

Now, wherever they lie, let's go and play this.

Well, you know me, I'm not really into plays and things like that, but

Jonathan's keeping them.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, fine, yeah.

We'd already seen these two in Edinburgh, and he said they were really

we went off to the Unity.

Actually, they were really funny.

I hadn't laughed so much until Pamela was showing off with a new garlic press

and accidentally got her left.

Are you listening to me?

Pardon? Besides, Carl's just been nicked by two joy canoeists, and they're doing

handpads up there and find a lot of dates.

Yeah, yeah, fine, yeah, I'm fine.

Mark, you haven't heard a word I've said since we've been in here.

Every time we meet, you spend the whole time lifting your collar up or

accidentally dropping things off the table and picking them up when someone

comes in.

Sorry, it's just that we do meet more often accidentally than a couple of ex

-friends. Well, a bit more than... Well, a lot more than might be expected to

accidentally meet.

Yeah, but it's innocence enough. We never do anything.

Anybody who's counting?

No -one.

Well, I'm not. I mean, I don't tell anyone if I'm accidentally, innocently

meeting an ex.

Do you?

Don't tell anyone any of my business.

Good. I mean, right.

But if it worries you that we accidentally, innocently meet, then we

Ben, I want to.

But it bothers you.

That's true.

Well, then.

I know it sounds soft, but I look forward to our... Innocent, accidental

meetings.

Oh, oh, God.

What? A couple was coming in. They're friends of Lucinda's.

So?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. So what, yeah?

Oh, well, what a coincidence, cos it just happened to meet you and I was

accidentally going somewhere else. You can't hear your life.

Oh, Martin and Jane.

What?

Lucinda's friends.

And what's that then?

No, I thought it was them and it looked like them, but I've just remembered

they've moved to New Zealand. Sorry.

We'll leave separately, yeah? OK.

Monday? I don't think so.

Come on, Brian.

Malcolm, you're married.

Make it Tuesday.

Great. Are you?

No, better be somewhere else.

Come here too often and they might get to know us.

Especially when you've got guilty tattooed across your forehead.

I know just the place and there'll be nobody we know there because it's £1 .50

cup.

Tomorrow's second part, same time.

Hiya, Fred.

What are you doing here?

I'm in bed watching.

What have you seen?

Pam tells Warbler, go.

Go, go, go. Go, just go, go.

Come on, Pam, just go through Warbler, yeah? I'll give it a go.

I've got something really important to ask you. Do you know, on Sunday... Yeah?

Do you mind if I wear my white frilly? Just, I don't want to clash with the

at all or anything.

It's all right.

Downstairs, changing a barrel.

Look, this is all getting a bit silly, you know.

I'm sure we got away with it. Yeah, sooner or later. We'll be more careful

time. You really think it's worth it?

Yes, it's worth it. I've just got to see you.

Well, you can.

I know, but, well, I want us to be together on our own. Just us.

To talk.

And, well, you know. But platonic.

But when we are together, you're so nervous that we're both wishing it was

I'm not.

It's different for me, being the one who's attached to another person who

the one I want to be attached to.

You're still free to have anyone.

Well, I don't mean have anyone.

I suppose you are. You wouldn't, would you, Ben?

Malcolm.

Friend, we're innocent, aren't we? I mean, we haven't done anything.

I mean, we haven't even... Well, apart from that once. But that wasn't French

anything, just lips.

Look,

I can see you tomorrow.

I'm running Lucinda to work because her car's in the workshop.

Malcolm. I'm waiting for a part. It could be a couple of weeks if I don't go

it, so I'm legitimately over here every day dropping her off.

Malcolm. What? You're married.

Don't keep saying that.

Well, one of us has to.

I've got to see you.

It's a Sunday.

That's going to be murder. We'll have to be dead careful.

Well, even this is risky.

Look, about tomorrow.

I've got to go.

Just don't stare at me on your way out.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Well, and I'll have a monkey on Virginia Walk in the 330 at Chester.

Goodbye.

And just remind me, the name again is... Lynch.

Oh, no.

Oh, sorry, Zelda Jane.

Ah, yes, of course.

I certainly do think it's a fail.

Oh, it's been in bits.

It's been very busy. I haven't got round to it.

Always the same.

This is probably the last christening I shall ever go to.

and God bear it up here.

Before we begin with the more formal part of the ceremony, I would like to

this opportunity of welcoming you all here on this particularly joyous

I understand that Mr and Mrs Lynch have only just recently arrived in the parish

and I'd like to offer them an extra special welcome.

We really do look forward to seeing you and your lovely daughters here on future

Sundays.

Baptism is, of course, a very important event in a person's life.

But it is worth remembering that it is important not only for

Zelda Jane, but also

for the parents, godparents, family and friends.

for not only are we here to witness and to welcome a child into the brotherhood

of the church but also we have the opportunity to recall vows that

we ourselves have made in the past vows of love and fidelity

vows of trust and faithfulness shortly

we shall be asking the godparents

to renounce on behalf of their goddaughter all covetousness and the

desires of the flesh.

What better time could there be for us to look into our own hearts and

review our promises?

Promises to care for one another, to comfort in sickness and in health.

forsaking all others.

Gerald, you've got to think of these things. It's a good job.

OK, see, Sunday's a pretty habit. You've got the rest of the week, don't you?

And what's more, you'd have no trouble getting in your foot of cricket.

You know, the local boss here used to play cricket for England.

I wasn't the one to think this.

Can I come with you and let one of the oldies go with me?

No, but you can swap with me.

All right, all right, then what about becoming a monk?

They get plenty of time for reading, and I'm sure they'll have central heating

these days.

Yeah, it's these foreign cars, you see. It can take weeks for a part to come in.

But not to worry, I'll run you in every evening.

Including Tuesday?

Tuesday. You're meeting?

Oh, oh, yes.

It's all right, I'll get the train.

Well, every other. And I'll pick you up every morning if you want.

What's up?

I can't stay for too long.

It's OK.

What about Tuesday?

There's this new Brian Field play at the Playhouse. Yeah, all right.

Oh, no, I can't. I've got a meeting.

On the theological?

Yeah.

Well, come on for a month, we can catch another time.

OK.

Maybe I should come with you.

OK. To your meeting. I suppose I didn't really give Barry Watson a chance for

that week.

Well, it's not really everybody's piece of cake.

Oh, sorry.

And actually, just yawning, if you're not into it.

What do you do?

Last week, it was just some boring old fellow waffling on about the mason

rituals and the great crested dream.

Sounds fun.

How do you get a great crush to drink?

Yeah, I'll probably give up a miss there.

Doctor, you know, it's times like this I feel I'd really like to have one.

What, a smoked had a gruelard?

A child.

Oh, oh, I see. You're feeling broody. Well, it gets to you girls like this,

doesn't it? With all this doting and cooing and who's a pretty girl then?

It's a baby, not a budgie.

These birdwatchers can't tell the difference.

No, I can. I mean, I will.

I intend to take a special interest in Zelda.

After all, I am responsible for her.

Oh, I don't mean responsible for her being here.

Well, that's you, isn't it, David? So Pam says.

Pardon?

No, so Pam knows. I mean, we all know. I'll take these round for you.

It's all right. I've known him a long time.

Then why didn't you warn me?

Drinks?

Thanks, but I prefer red.

Oh, I'll get you one. No, it's OK.

You OK?

No, you.

It's not easy.

I keep thinking it should have been us.

Shh! Look, I can see you tomorrow night after I've dropped Lucinda off. Oh!

Should I take those round for you? Yes, thanks.

I'm working.

I'll be there, but I've got this plan. Then afterwards we'll go for a walk.

Here we are, Marge. We'll be OK for a bit with this lot.

One glass is sufficient, thank you very much.

That's right, as long as you keep topping it up.

You must be very proud of him working for the council.

Who?

I was only saying to our Gerald the other day, you've got to start

and the sooner the better.

I mean, all this studying can't be good for you, because the brain is like

everything else, isn't it? You can wear this out.

I mean, can you remember when you were at school?

Well, perhaps not, but anyway, all that squaring on the hypotenuse didn't help

you to knit socks for Lord Kitchener.

Now, our Gerald is good at French, but I've told him, French is no use to you

unless you want to be a bin man.

Bin man?

Didn't you know?

Oh, Robbie, she's been privatised.

It's good to know that you talk, Mother. Can I rescue you, Mrs Stoneway? Yes,

please. I mean, the house is lovely.

We'll show you round.

Please excuse.

You're OK.

I'll make sure no -one touches it.

I do not.

I'm sorry about that. She does go on a bit.

No, never mind, dear.

One can choose one's friends for not one's family.

Yes, I've heard Malcolm say that.

Well, sister...

How does it feel to be a godmother?

I can live with it, Doctor.

Those curtains are a Moroccan design, made in Italy, with a full Austrian

ancillary. I think it's so important to coordinate, don't you? Of course, I know

some people think differently and go for variety.

They certainly do.

I think one has a responsibility to stay in keeping with older property.

Of course, the carpet's traditional.

1890. That old?

1890 a square yard.

Oh!

We had to completely refit the master bedroom.

All Danielle Boleyn, of course.

It's the Palermo design, continental in satin with a matching canopy.

All right, excuse me, everybody.

Can I interrupt everybody, please? Thank you.

Right, well, it's picture time.

So if you'd all like to gather around Pam and Zelda.

And it's over here for anybody else who wants to take a photograph.

All right.

I was thinking of a group photograph, actually.

Tender, Malcolm, Jacinda.

Right,

right. Big smile.

Yeah.

Sorry, pal, you'll have to be quicker than that.

Here you go.

Another lemonade?

Any more and I'll burst.

Are you sure it's worth it?

Yes, it's worth it.

You look like an alcoholic walrus.

Good. Good?

Yeah, well, no one will recognise me then.

I suppose it's all right, as long as a real walrus doesn't walk in.

Look, you're OK for tomorrow night after the meeting.

You wait round the corner from the car park and I'll pick you up. If we're

I'm running you to the station.

No. Well?

Were you married?

Don't keep saying that.

Hiya, Brent.

What the door gave the opposite is usual, Brenda.

I don't want a drink, then. I was just packing up. I thought you might still be

here. You OK?

David said to post the lot, but I said to him, listen, I can get rid of so much

more of it first -hand, so please.

Do you mind, mate?

There you are.

Crisling cake. Mum, you, Gerald.

Well, I thought you'd be pleased. Did you enjoy Sunday?

Right, well, I'll, er... Go on. Are you sure you're OK?

Well, I'll be off. I think you need an early night.

Did she, er... No, I don't. Just thought, Malcolm... You've got your bed

watching club on Tuesday, haven't you?

Malcolm White Mother.

You are going tomorrow?

Right. Hey, drink up, pal. She's waiting to get home.

Oh, sure, it might never happen.

Check the chill, will you, please, love?

All right, Harold.

Yeah, still there.

I'll see you later.

Now, I'm sure somebody was looking at me a bit funny.

It's not surprising, really, is it?

I feel happier like this, though.

Because no -one can recognise you? Yeah.

I think I might have to do something similar myself, actually.

It doesn't matter if you're recognised, does it? It does.

I don't want people to know I'm walking around with a weirdo like you.

It doesn't change, do you?

Promise me, if I do, you'll shoot me.

You like being 16 again?

More like 12.

Sunday was awful.

Just kept wishing they'd all evaporate and leave us on our own. So did I.

Didn't though, did they?

No.

Just as well, I suppose.

Difficult one to explain away.

Sorry, officer, they were here a minute ago, then puff.

Just us.

What time have you got to go home?

She's on nights.

Oh.

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?