Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

The survey revealed as much as 10 .4 % of elderly people to be depressed.

This in addition to those who were found to have Alzheimer's. There was one

encouraging statistic in that the finding pointed to a small decrease in

level of organic dementia, although the trend is likely to be marked by

demographic changes.

So what is the level?

The level was found to range between 4 .3 and 5 .1%. Thank you very much.

Techniques of self -examination for women were discussed at a recent

Why, I was listening to that.

Well, you shouldn't be.

And why are you here?

I live here.

You know what I mean.

Why aren't you repairing your ancient motorbikes?

Vintage, not ancient.

I'm my own boss. I work when I choose.

I see.

Oh, I knew we wouldn't laugh.

So the next step's the liquidiser, is it?

Liquidator? No, it certainly isn't. I've got more work than I can handle.

I'm just being flexible.

Lucinda's on two till ten at the moment, so I'm going to work afternoons and

evenings. We talked it over last night in the bath.

You did what?

This way, we see more of each other.

Oh, what more is there to see?

So, where is she now?

I've gone to visit a friend.

It's noisy with me drilling.

Mother, what are you doing? What does it look like?

You've unplugged me drill.

Well, it won't be for long.

Now, what were you saying?

Can't you start in the hall?

I always start here.

a letter for you in my bag.

What? Oh, here.

You've been specially selected as one of the few people in Mel's who's eligible

to win a timeshare in Lanzarote.

Did you open it? Of course I did. Did you go and x -ray vision?

Mother, you've got no right to have him in Mel. Well, it's not important.

Anyway, you should have told him you'd moved.

I have.

You didn't tell Mr Digest and his friends.

Now, have you finished with that drill yet? You've unplugged it. Oh, you're too

slow and everything. I don't know.

32 and not even a father.

I don't think that's any of your business.

Does it be anybody's business?

I mean, I know she's a nurse, but if you'll pardon my Spanish, it takes two

tango.

Well, that's men, Enid. Feb and down.

He'll resent it if you get promotion and he's still on the brush, but he won't

mind the extra.

Young swan.

Signature. Thank you.

You see, they can only do one thing at a time.

In fact, most of them can't even do that.

Anagram of stun.

Oh, right. Bye then, Edith. I'll see you in the morning.

No. Pardon?

Anagram of stun. Oh, right.

You know, I told those fellas from World in Action that if there's a housing

shortage in Peckham, all they need to do is call in Anna Carise.

But he stopped doing that.

Right, now here's one for you, Gerald, definitely. Six letters.

Is Nellie's child in the Navy?

Nelson, but I'm not joining them.

Mother,

stop it!

What do you want? There's this, or there's Garden of Delight, or there's

or there's... What's it all?

What's it all?

Do you know how worried about you, Gerald? Fancy a lad of your age saying

something like, what's happened?

Choose your tea. It'll be all right in a couple of hours.

Do your crossword. I can't. I'm stuck on four down.

Has either of you read the Bible lately?

I'm waiting for the paperback.

Four letters.

St Paul's favourite bird, question mark, W blank blank double S.

That's five letters.

Let's have a look.

Well, Mother, you can't put two S's in one square.

Well, you have to. A three o 'clock won't fit.

It's drunk as a lord.

Anyway, there's no U in Ute. Ah, right.

So St Paul's favourite bird ends in N.

Rent. He built St Paul's. On his own.

Now, there's a thought.

Oh,

you'd have a marvellous life.

But what a way to go.

You want to go easy on him, you know. One day I'll just pack his kit bag and

Oh, what a shame. And then there'll only be you. Which reminds me, that drain's

blocked. So when are you going to bring him round?

What are you talking about?

Your boyfriend.

I mean, the old one from the council never got round to fixing it, so maybe

new one can.

Can't be, he's a housing officer.

He's a house officer, Mother, at the Royal.

He's got a stethoscope and a white coat and a couple of nurses to tell him what

to do. Oh, yes, I did wonder about him.

Tom said he was playing around with David this afternoon.

These sarnies are starting to curl. They'll be back soon.

Not like football, Brenda. They can never be sure when they'll finish.

This little piggy went to market and this little piggy went to play golf with

another little piggy.

We don't get to leave this here. OK, for yours, better put mine away.

And these two little piggies were late home for Mrs. Piggy's tea cakes because

they've been having a swill.

Hi.

Sorry. Where have you been?

Jonathan got bleeped on the 12th. Yeah, I had to knit back in. Well, you doctors

are never really off, are you? Something serious?

Yeah, one of the patients was in danger of recovery.

Not really. I was taking cover for the afternoon and, well, with a bit of a

running casualty. Well, you come here and have some tea and let's hope you

get bleeped again.

That's the thing with your job, though, isn't it? You cannot be tied to time.

Do you remember our GP, Brenda, when we lived in another part of the city?

Now, he wasn't a nine -to -five man.

No, he was more of a nine -to -a -five.

Andrew O 'Brien saved our nan's life.

Only because he called for a second opinion.

You're quite a looker.

You didn't make them.

I did, actually.

And the crusted macaroons.

Excellent. Well, I'll try one of those next, if I may. Of course.

You're a lucky guy, David.

Don't I know it. And this little piggy vomited all over all the other little

pigs.

Quite the course, David.

It's quite testing, isn't it?

Care for another round sometime?

That's very hospitable.

Actually, I had hoped to be returning the compliment this Saturday.

We'd organised a party at the residency and I was hoping you three might come.

Unless there's something else on, of course.

A doctor's party?

Well, yes.

Oh, no, we wouldn't have had anything else on. Speak for yourself, I've got my

Swiss yodelling class.

Well, actually, it's quite academic now.

We've had to shelve the whole idea. Starting from tomorrow, they're

the mess.

The mess?

It's the operating theatre with a new doctor's practice.

They're coming now.

Pity. We'd gotten in all the booze and the catering was organised.

An old doctor?

Yeah, well, a few nurses and physios. Probably 30 people in all. Just a few

drinks and a gossip type of thing.

Still, never mind.

Pamela, your crackers, they'll wrap the place.

Mind your own business.

I'm sorry. Am I missing something?

Tell her, David. Put your foot down.

I'm sorry.

It's all right with you, isn't it, David?

Sure, sure.

You don't mean... We couldn't ask it of you. You didn't ask. We offered. Isn't

that right, David?

Right, right.

And that little piggy doesn't even know what day it is.

And good afternoon to you.

It's only ten o 'clock.

Time all responsible people are about their daily round.

Yeah, I didn't get to bed till after two. Well, that's disgraceful. You're

married now.

You should be done with all that gallivanting.

It wasn't gallivanting.

I don't eat till late. I can't sleep, so I watch the late moot.

Hold on, I don't have to explain myself to you.

Lucinda's car's not there. Think she can be up at a civilised time?

Yeah, well, she was in bed before me.

Hold on, what am I doing?

Don't sit there.

I just watched your old team mug and it was crusted on.

So you've finally surfaced. Yeah, the dustbuster arrived.

Where have you been?

I nipped round to Kerry's.

You made up your mind about Saturday.

I thought you said it was off.

I know, but they found somewhere.

Well, are you coming or aren't you? I know my friends are boring and talk shop

all the time.

But frankly, when it comes to boring, you'd go a long way to beat your bird

-watching cronies.

I thought last Saturday was quite entertaining.

Oh, the exploding sandwich cake.

Hilarious.

Yes, that just about sums up the intelligence level of your average

Will, um, will he be there Saturday?

Jonathan? Yes, why?

Oh, just wondered.

He might even have little Miss Muffet in tow.

That's if he hasn't found something more suitable.

Now, hold on. Yes?

Nothing.

Well, are you coming? I'm not pleading with you, Malcolm.

Pleading with him to do what, dear? Now, hold on. This is between me and

Lucinda. It's just a party, Marjorie. He doesn't want to come.

Oh, it's always been the same, Lucinda. Never did like parties.

I'd take him, but as soon as I got home, I knew there'd be the phone call and be

straight back to collect him.

Without his slice of cake or his balloon.

They all talk medicine.

Well, never mind, Malcolm. I'll go with Kerry and the girls. She knows the

address. You did say Jonathan was going?

Yes. He organised it.

Don't worry. You stay home and do a jigsaw. No, I'll come.

I suppose I'll find somebody to talk to.

Just along here on the left.

Whose place is it?

Some mug Jonathan knows.

That fella could charm the pants of the Victoria Monument.

I'll take your word for it.

Apparently the lady of the house is delighted to have him and his friends.

What I'm wondering is who's having who.

Hold on. This can't be it. You've got the wrong house.

There's Jonathan's car.

And Vincent's.

Oh, it could be next door. He's an orthodontic.

Lock up when you get out.

Are you OK?

He's a bit moody.

He didn't want to come.

This was a private house. I didn't know you worked here. No, it is a private

house. It's our house.

Sorry, I knew you'd move. Dr. McMillan, Jonathan's a very good friend of ours.

Charming, isn't he?

But you checked your underwear.

Do you hear, is it? Yes.

I'll just put these upstairs.

Hi there.

Are those for me?

Well...

Here we are, David. Here's four of the four and twenty. You've come down from

Inverness. Right, and when the party's over, there'll be four and twenty.

Lucinda. Do you know each other? Yes, I introduce Lucinda to Martin.

She's too just.

You can assume.

David was Martin's best man.

Where is he?

Something in the car.

No. He'll be in soon.

I'm David.

So there I was, with the prof breathing down my neck and this old fiddy in the

bed, gasping and wincing every time I touched her. In the end, I took a chart

and said, uh, renal calculus?

Excellent, says Turnbull. Then we talked about the options for destoning the old

prune, and we're ready to move on. And I realise...

She's got a hold of my hand.

Well, I'm just prising back the claws when she whispers, Never mind, son.

We've all got to learn.

Madam, I said, I am not your son.

But if I had, I'd now more likely be on a milk round than a ward round.

Hi,

Malcolm. Got over yourself?

Oh, I wasn't selfish. I just didn't believe your house was it. Well, I mean,

your house. They didn't know. And I thought you might be next door, because

said he was an orthodontist, which is sort of medical anyway. Anyway, I didn't

think you'd be the dog, even though Pam was susceptible to her nose charmed off.

Beer, is it? Oh, please, yeah.

So what's your problem?

Oh, you're so sharp.

Look, your business is just as interesting as theirs.

Actually, well, it was today, because this bloke came in with a Moto Guzzi

Falcone. I knew all about it.

Drink tea and tea kindly, and kindly this person back.

they found that some old wives' tales actually have some truth in them.

So what do you think, Jonathan?

Does a clove of garlic on your chest keep the common cold at bay?

Possibly. I think that's something I'd have to look into.

You get common colds these days, pal.

Couldn't yours be more of a middle -class cold?

Actually, I've got this redness on the inside of me left knee, and I was

wondering if you've got the time.

because they diagnose outside.

What they don't take on board is that most of them are pretty thick to start

with. I'm sorry, Vincent, I can't go on with that.

Organics in Maine should be clearly defined.

Actually, that affects between 4 .3 and 5 .1 % of the elderly population.

Though it is subject to demographic fluctuation.

I'm sorry, I don't think we've met.

Yeah, Malcolm's from across the water.

Oh, uh, Atlantic or Irish, Steve.

Oh,

and are you doing a study?

Me? No, I finished with exams.

Oh, you got your fellowship?

Yeah, I've got quite a few friends, yeah.

Welcome to specialist.

Oh, I see.

Is it doctor or mister?

I'm... Medicinal surgery.

Motorbike.

Brilliant. Was it?

Why, you come up with a bit of a nice move.

I suppose I'm just a natural.

Tell you what, it's not really boring me. I think I might take a walk.

Not now, is it?

As far as the greats. At least they've got two top commentators.

Football and football.

Right.

Right.

Great. Right.

Right. Right.

Right. Right.

Right.

Right. Right. Right.

Right.

Well, if I was you, I'd go upstairs and get a bedroom now before the office

opens.

It's getting a bit low.

Oh, well, well, Scott, listen.

Would you slip out and get some more?

I'll settle up with you later from Metspant, OK? I'm afraid the office

is closed.

Go and put that out.

Ah, excellenti.

Harold! Harold!

That last survey, would you, Brenda?

Sure this clock's faulty?

It's not.

I thought you were off.

I am, I'm a customer.

And you're the first one tonight.

I'm not.

And that rat has been driving me crappers.

He's closing up early.

He never opened.

So how did you, er... Trade woman mentioned.

What'll you have, then?

Oh, er, bitter, please.

So you managed to escape, too?

Yeah, I'm out replenishing stocks.

I need a bottle of gin for guess who.

Vincent Ridley.

Doctor and fully paid -up member of the Arrogant Tendency. Right, first time?

Well,

Pam seemed impressed.

Well, Pam's impressed by anyone with a posh voice that was still at school for

its 21st birthday.

Celia's not like Jonathan. He won't manage to charm the pants... charm...

a pantry.

Charm a pantry?

She's got a charming pantry.

It sits under the stairs.

Tell you what, Malf, let's start this conversation with something a bit more

simple. How's your mother?

Uh, interfering, embarrassing, high -handed, puritanical.

Well, she's improved a bit, then. A bit, yeah.

How about yours?

Confusing. The more I think about her, the more she should be your mother.

Are you sure you weren't left in a handbag at Mel's station?

Possible.

Mothers, eh?

Mothers.

And now mine's keen on being a grandmother.

Is she?

Yeah, well, I'm not.

Mark. What? Let's talk about something else, eh?

Yeah, right.

How's your business?

Good, good, very good.

Yeah, and, um, and you're working here?

I thought I might start college or something.

Great. Is it? Yeah, I think you'd be good at, um... When's your next day off,

then?

Tuesday.

I'm sort of working flexi -time at the moment. It's one of the advantages of

being your own boss, you know.

Wait, let me have my drink up, please.

Come on.

Uh, Bran.

Yeah?

Would you, um... Yeah?

I wonder if you could just... What?

Get us a bottle of gin.

You OK?

Yeah. Where have you been? I just dropped in on my nieces upstairs.

We've been playing these little piggies can't sleep because of the bloody

rabbit.

Oh, no, no, no, sheep in here.

Oh,

we've no idea.

Friend, the old amnesia virus strikes again.

Well, I'm not saying you doctors don't know what you're doing, but from the

moment she took the first of the red tablets, my friend's elbows turned

My ankle swelled so much, you couldn't see what shoe she was wearing.

Is that for me?

Are you looking for Aunt Gerald? Yes, and your son -in -law gave her a drink

now she's forgotten why she's here.

I mean, you can't blame everything on smoking, although in this case you

possibly could, because if her nightie hadn't caught on fire, she wouldn't have

been sitting in that tropical fish tank in the first place.

Are you going to do it yet? No, I don't want people knowing if she is.

Well, come on, we'd better stay out of the way then.

Hey, about time too.

Fix me a stiff one, would you? Oh, never mind.

So, of course, Ross Turnbull specifically asked for me to look after

-pees. After all, if they're paying, they have a right to someone with a

collar and a more passing acquaintance with the Queen's English.

What's pee -pees?

Private patients.

Well, I'll have to go.

Jonathan, getting a bit done.

Yeah, well

Dr. Ridley?

Just hang on a minute.

No, no, don't bother. Can you tell him Professor Turnbull wants him to come

straight away?

One of his PPs, Carl.

What was that?

Yes, good night.

Who's upstairs?

Yes, front room.

Yes, thanks for coming. Good night.

No, Pamela, what I always say is find us keepers. I'll bring round the rest of

Gerald's stuff in the morning. No, you won't. He'll be back tomorrow. Only you

be nice to him. But I'm nice to everybody, aren't I?

Taxi's arrived.

Who for?

You. Oh, then it's lucky we're here then. Come along.

There's an unusual club I know where the disco's not run by a moron and you can

hear yourself fake.

Quite a party.

Did you enjoy yourself?

OK.

Best bit was when you weren't here.

Thanks. And neither was I.

Malcolm, come along.

Come in.

Tuesday.

Bye, Mark.

I'll ring.

So the two little piggies went wee, wee, wee, wee.

And all load of trouble.

Have I fallen in his bow?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by style?

Has he made my life?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.