Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one to Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not the right deal. I'm not gentle or

gentile. So the question should be what does he...

Brenda, will you keep still? I'm trying to get the hem straight. Anyway, where

was I? Oh, yes.

So I said to her, Jean, I said, if they've offered you a job at Matrons,

take it. You'll be quigs in, what with the subsidised canteen and the special

staff reductions in the outside department.

So she said to me, I think I will. So I said, good. And as they wear maroon with

a thin white stripe, I'll take that navy dress off your hands. Brenda, are you

listening to me?

No. You know, you two do far too much of this reading. It's bad for your eyes.

Brenda, will you please keep still?

I've got me other two in the wash and I need this for this evening.

What is it, Singletonite at the crematorium?

I do black or navy.

In fact, we all do in this family.

Mother, I'm not joining.

That's it.

Gerald, I'm not asking you to, not yet.

No, but there is this other lovely little job which will be ideal for you.

All you have to do is go round to various places and collect these little

of paper off various gentlemen.

Then you pass them through a window and... Mother!

What is the start? And he says he likes books.

Actually, he's doing fine, love. You're up. Have you seen his report?

Report? Oh, yeah.

A bit repetitive, don't you think? All those A's.

Still, I was glad to see you did well at cookery.

Now, why don't you make something nice for your loving mother?

Oh, that's a hard one. Oh, Jess.

Now, that's not fair. You know I spend my life thinking of ways of getting...

Getting good, exciting, interesting jobs for you.

Jobs that are abroad.

A big difference.

Now, look what you've made me do. What?

Never mind. I'll buy you a new one.

This is really delicious, Lucinda.

Thank you, Marjorie.

Oh, it's so nice to be at the receiving end for a change.

Not the one mine's cooking, but just so nice to sit back and... George. ...not

have the responsibility.

So kind.

It's just a small thank you for all you've done for us. It's my pleasure,

I know how difficult it is for someone working full -time to clean a place

really thoroughly.

Well, as thoroughly as one would have one had the time to clean thoroughly.

And then you have the washing and ironing. And the cooking.

No, so much falls on us, girl.

Not enough.

Pardon?

Thank you more.

Would you like some? Oh, don't you breathe.

Malcolm. Thank you, little tender.

Enough?

It's a soup song.

Oh, uh, sauerkraut. I beg your pardon?

Oh, I see.

Well, only if nobody else.

Not me. I know what went into it.

That's not funny, Malcolm.

Oh, mixed pickles. I forgot. Would you like some, Marjorie? Yes, please. I did

see them over there.

Malcolm? What?

The pickles.

Right.

There's the pickles.

Right, I will get that, and I'll do all the shopping and all the ironing, and I

might squeeze time in to run me business.

Wrong number.

Oh, now isn't he a cross patch?

You do have my sympathy, Lucinda.

I had him for 30 years.

This man, dear, they're all the same.

Never left a doctor.

And his father, God rest his soul, didn't even know the spin dryer was to

day he touched the plug with a wet hand.

Oh, dear.

Hadn't been earthed properly, whatever that means.

It was an awful shock.

How devastating.

I never realised how he'd gone.

Pardon? Well, the shock, it must have been terrible for you.

No, dear, he got the shock.

I told him it served him right.

Routine maintenance, that's all I ever asked of him.

Well, that and one other thing.

And then later on, once we got... There was no coal for that, even.

Yes, just two scuttles a day.

Well, that was in the winter. We didn't bother in the summer.

Scuttles?

Of coal from down the yard.

And then once we got central heating... Not Malcolm.

No, dear!

Radiators.

I think it was all that trekking down to the coal bunker.

They gave his father the taste for the open air.

We'd only be married a short while when he took to going on long country walks.

Not my scene at all, I'm afraid.

And Malcolm went with him? Mm, from quite an early age.

They used to call it their little escape.

Their little escape?

Yes. Wasn't that sweet?

Start with the exciting news that the Blackwyn Pratt and Cole has been sighted

at 1st March, etc.

I sometimes think I'll blend to go to work early just to avoid helping me.

if I say I'll be 15 minutes late, then half an hour won't seem so much.

The rare visitor which accompanied Migrating Canada Geek this year has now

on. And our latest information is that... Supervisor, please.

...Cackling Goose has moved up to Central Atlanta.

Has she? Well, who's standing in for her?

Back here in September, we're happy... to welcome back her own Tornio. Oh,

let me speak to Tony Howell, then.

Mother, can you put the phone down, please? Brenda, what are you doing on

switchboard? No, I'm upstairs.

In a draft canteen? Good heavens, are you working there?

No, I'm not. I'm just... Hold on, we've got videos.

Well, I suppose you're safe enough. We never stopped talking, do we?

Which reminds me, I should have told you. Pam rang this morning. She wants

to babysit tomorrow, and she's set to bring your new boyfriend.

Who? Well, Bert Watch, I suppose. Is he still there?

No, Mother, he just couldn't compete.

You were very rude to your mother last night, Malcolm.

I'm surprised she bothers with you at all.

You don't know her. It was a mistake. We have a lesson coming in. Oh, yes.

And if she stops, will you do the housework?

We could share it. We don't share anything else.

Meaning?

Oh, we don't do much together, do we?

You think our marriage isn't working?

No, no, I didn't say that.

I just think it might be better if we did more things together. The two of us.

Outside. Well, I don't mean just outside, like. I mean, outside of here.

Together. The two of us. Or with others, if everybody's doing it.

Like bird watching?

Yeah, that sort of thing.

All right.

I'm prepared to make the effort.

I'll even ride on your pillion.

Great.

When? Tomorrow.

Oh.

We could leave early, cos there's been sightings of a black -winged pratting

coal out at Burton. I've been meaning to escape there for some time.

Escape, Malcolm?

Oh, I don't mean escape.

Well, not if you're coming.

I'll get the milk in.

Oh, hello, you're here.

What happens, we are.

If you'd like to come through.

Please, take a seat, Jonathan.

Would you like David to fix you a drink?

No, I'm fine just now, thanks. I wouldn't mind.

Yeah, well, you know where the kitchen is, Brenda.

I've just got to finish getting changed.

Oh, do it in here. These doctors don't scare easy, you know.

Hiya. Hiya. Hi, David.

How's the golf?

Oh, it's up and down.

And work? I suppose that's up and down as well.

And a new bed?

It's... I haven't got a new bed.

I was home in the weekend and I brought my clubs back with me. Excellent. Just

let me know when you've got an afternoon off.

Well, next Tuesday, actually.

Fine. I only play Wednesdays and Fridays at the moment, so an extra round would

be most welcome.

What about work?

No problem.

He leaves it all to his secretary.

The less he does, the more money he makes. I'm sure that's not true.

It is. The same with doctors. The less you do to you, the more your chances of

recovery.

Oh, very nice.

Thank you, Jonathan.

Is that a new outfit?

Yeah. It's your birthday present.

She's breaking it in for you.

Your birthday present to me. Birthday?

Next month.

You can give me a little extra something on the day. Like a ruby for your belly

button?

I think we'd better be going.

Right. But I would like to say how much we appreciate your being here, Jonathan.

What about me? It's so much more relaxing for parents to know that their

offspring are in safe hands should one of them develop something serious.

Serious? Oh, she wouldn't joke about these things.

She means like a brain hemorrhage or terminal nappy rash. You both enjoy

yourselves. I'll just sit here and read up my paediatrics.

Pass. Go on, let's go.

My earthbent is one of the ways... Not the best time, pal.

Bye. Bye.

Coffee? No, thanks.

Tea?

No, thanks.

Are you going to put it down?

Me?

Well, there's nobody else here.

Was I going to cry?

No. I think I'd better check.

Well? Still asleep.

You should have coughed louder.

I didn't think I heard something.

Coffee?

Sit down.

Here you are.

Anything on?

Probably.

Did I tell you my brother got an eye for cockery? My father got a cue for

billiards.

No, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't.

Are you sure you're two sisters?

Well, it's what my mum says, but she is what the bill might call an unreliable

witness.

You're very different.

It wasn't always like that, though.

We started to drift apart the day she bought some fun memo magnets for the

fridge door and it went downhill from then on.

And what about you, Brenda?

What about me?

Well, you take the mick out of everything and everybody.

But what are you like?

Lots. Such as?

Blackcurrant yoghurt.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Birdwatching.

Bird watching?

You just can't stop, can you? It's true, actually.

Oh, come on.

Look, tomorrow you're not until... Five.

Right, so what will you do? I've decided already.

Oh, yeah? I'll get up early, pack some lunch and head for the wilds of Deepest

Whittle.

OK.

Tell you what, I'll come with you.

OK. I mean it.

OK.

I'll pick you up. Seven o 'clock.

Fine.

Well, you're the doctor. You'd better go.

Deal.

I believe this is the agreement.

You want to stop here?

Why for heaven's sake?

This is it, we're here.

Here?

Where the bloody hell's here?

We're at the marsh.

A marsh?

Why stop at a manky marsh?

Because it's where I'm going.

And you've just saved me half an hour's walk from the bus stop. Thanks.

Hold on. Hold on!

Look, don't mess about.

Look, you want to stretch your legs?

I'll come with you.

Oh, no.

Brenda,

wait a minute.

I don't believe it.

I thought you were just taking it. You really are, aren't you? Yes, I really

are. It's you, a bird watcher. It's amazing.

I'll be amazed back in the car, eh?

A bird watcher?

Look, pal, I didn't ask you to come.

This is weird.

OK, OK.

So how long?

What? How long here?

Till I see.

See what?

Blackwing Pratt & Co.

You just made that up.

You didn't?

Jonathan, as a medical person, would it be right to say that you'd have to lie

very still if you had two broken legs?

What's this?

Something me brother gave me mother and me mother gave to me. Now, can you

please be quiet?

I've seen it.

Well, it is pretty boring, though, isn't it?

I've been through all this before.

Only I've changed sides.

You mean you're having a déjà vu?

Now, there's an interesting clinical theory about déjà vu.

The idea is that the brain short -circuits, so that what's happening now

straight into the memory section and then onto your conscious, so you think

you're a... Jonathan. Yeah? Shut up!

Coal? And it's going to rain?

No, it's not. Cows lie down when it's going to rain.

Thank you, Dan Archer.

There must be nicer places to bird watch than a marsh.

They go a long way to get a better place than this, especially for a pratting

coal. All right, Brenda?

Had any luck with your bag of coal?

Pratting coal.

Oh, yes.

Not seen it yet, then?

Well, not you, but making a doubt there's a bird left between here and

Greenland. Well, come on.

Time for a drop of lunch.

Do you want to soften me up?

I've a long way to go.

Keep trying.

Night.

Daddy, you made him?

Our lady who does.

Sounds like a convent.

Just one.

My room at the residency.

So if you've got a lady who does, why are you bothering with a lady who

She's 63 and eternally grateful because I cured her chill planes.

Which would have gone on their own anyway.

Probably.

Shall we make a wish?

That's a bit special.

Centimillion eighty -six.

Marvellous, your eyesight.

Well, I'll provide the sweet.

Care to see me mother?

I thought it was your brother who was the culinary king.

Yes, he made it for her.

She decided she was on a diet this morning and gave it to me.

To Gerald.

Easy.

No problem.

I've got another bot in the car.

Very responsible.

We could call it truce, you know. Just for today.

What, you want me to be nice?

Is it that difficult?

We'll give it a go, Sprouse.

So, how long have you been interested in birds, then?

It all started when I was a kid.

I was on my way home from school one day and I spotted this little blue egg

under a bush.

So I wrapped it in my jumper and took it home and I put it in the airing

cupboard.

You all right?

Fine. Go on.

Well, it must have been a week later. I was on the landing and I heard it

scratching.

So I opened the airing cupboard door.

And how cruel, Dad, you are.

Amazing. So it's nothing, brother, really.

Oh, yeah. It was all right and covered.

It's where the boxcar baby's come from.

I never thought you'd have known that, being a doctor.

Sorry.

mind? Sorry, I didn't see you till I saw you.

Brenda? Oh, God!

I thought I recognised you, er, back.

Please carry on. Who's this?

Oh, er, Malcolm Stoneway.

Oh, actually, I think we've met somewhere before.

Are you a birder? A what -er? Do you chase birds?

I remember now.

Pam and David's, yeah, that's where I've seen you. Oh, yeah, you were the one

fixing the drains.

Right. Ha -ha.

Small world.

And to you, knowing them.

Nice house, isn't it?

Were you at it with Brenda?

At what?

The house.

Do you know this guy?

Yeah. No. Oh, that was ages ago, not any more.

We do occasionally see each other at a distance at Toss.

Toss? This is known as the Logical Society.

Ask a silly question.

Well, I'm secretary, you see.

Which reminds me, Brenda, the next meeting's been put off to a fortnight

Thursday. Save me one letter.

Anyway, I'll be off now. I'll let you two get on with it.

Go in again.

Oh, no. Go up a rock and sit down.

Oh, very kind.

What? Oh, no, no, I'll go.

No, Max, don't you have a drink?

No, I wouldn't dream of a... I insist.

Oh, there's none left.

Can you say you had another bottle?

No, no. Have you?

No, of course not. You've been... Having some lunch.

Yeah, and then... So, he's your latest, then, is he?

Latest what?

Latest... What's his name? I mean, what's his name?

Actually, that's a point. I didn't think to ask him when we woke up this

morning.

Actually, it's Jonathan McSexpot.

What's his name?

Mongolian.

So, when I saw him outside Pam's, were you inside?

A bit.

Why did you leave?

Because I saw you.

Why? I mean, why? If you left then, do you want me to stay now?

Well, it's not my job to make things easy for people, is it?

You just like to confuse.

Yeah, well, you were always easy picking.

Give his hand up.

Malcolm! Oh, hello.

Malcolm, I've been looking for you.

What's going on?

Oh, I was just picking Brenda up.

Not very successfully.

Not for the first time.

Hey, come on!

No, no, when you left for the... Well, I thought I'd moved this way a bit, and I

just came round the corner, and there they were.

And I said I'd leave, but then he said he was going for some more... And I was

just helping Brenda, cos she was lying down.

Was she?

Does that mean it's going to rain?

It's just as well I went back.

Forgot my bleeper.

Lucinda, this is... Jonathan!

That's right. Lucinda.

Hello. You know...

Trying to, and you?

Married to.

Good God.

Who are you watching?

Him. You?

Her. Is this a private quiz or can anyone join in?

Well, let's all have a drink.

So, are you, like, um... Are you in medicine as well?

Why, that's small, eh?

Yeah, he's a pillock.

You see yourselves.

Can we offer him a sandwich or a piece of cake?

Thank you.

You've not tried it before, then, Jonathan?

Not with me, he hasn't.

Let's try some of this Gerald Wilson special.

He's getting cleaned up.

Right.

I'll put these in to soak.

Do you need a hand?

No, thank you. You better entertain our guest.

Right.

So long as you don't sing.

It's not funny. I think that jumper's ruined, you know.

Oh, thanks, Mark. I feel a lot better about it now.

Well... Oh, look, it wasn't my fault, really, honest to God.

Well, you know me. Would I pull a cheap, lousy gag like that?

Shut up.

Pulled cheaper ones.

That cake was made by Art Gerald for me mother.

To show how much he cared?

Sort of.

I'd kill him.

Maybe your mother guessed.

Best kill both of them, then, eh?

Anyway, it's Jonathan you've got to convince.

Well, you believe me, don't you?

Probably the only person in the world who would.

Thanks.

And I was always wrong.

Thanks again.

Poor Jonathan.

I can just see him now.

It's not funny, you know.

No.

Oh, er, do you want some tea?

No.

Would you like a bit of this?

No, thank you.

Oh, what about a nice piece of cake?

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out?

So what do I see in it?