Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

Are you still playing silly games?

I thought you were a burglar.

Do burglars usually clean your work surfaces and put fresh potpourri on your

kitchen windowsill?

Mother, I gave you that key for emergencies.

And in my book, the level of dust in this room constituted an emergency.

And you can put that back. It's battering fish, not burglars. You

just... Don't blame Lucinda.

That poor girl's roughed up her feet.

Do you know she's working 2 -2 -10 from tomorrow?

Of course I did. Shift work makes life very difficult for someone with a home

run. Yes, and it is our home, and I know you mean well, but... Oh, that's the

casserole.

Casserole? And hang that coat up, if you please.

Did you say casserole? Well, of course.

It's Monday, isn't it? Mother, you mustn't do this.

It's done.

And you can set the table. It's about time you did more about the place.

Go through and wash your hands first.

Look, Mother, you'd better leave. Lucinda will be back any minute. Coat!

Oh, and David Lipscomb, you'll ring again later.

Mother, you don't live here.

Do you think I'm not aware of that?

No, you did this once before, and that's why she left. Now, you must let us get

on with it.

If you're referring to the aberration you suffered when you lived with that

Wilson girl, I'd say that I'd let you get on with far too much.

Hello. Am I missing something?

Hi, Lucinda.

Mum's just going.

Oh, are you, Marjorie?

Perfect. Yeah, she was just passing, and she agrees that it's our bed, and we've

got to lie in it, and she won't be putting her oar in like she did once

I think on that occasion, the oar was already in.

Right, that's it. Mother, please go.

Oh, take your notice, Marjorie. It looks lovely.

Thank you, dear.

And that smells delicious.

Is this enough? Why not stay and join us?

Oh, well, as a matter of fact, I was quite generous with the ingredients.

But look, you've got to be... Malcolm, your mother has kindly offered to help

about the house. As it's something you seem neither capable nor willing to do,

think you might at least have the courtesy to thank her.

I'll never understand women.

Oh,

yeah, of course.

They're a noisy lot.

Yeah, they must have got well -tanked somewhere else before this.

You can't get happy on this. It does me.

It certainly has.

Gentlemen and ladies, let me propose a toast to the poor, the sick and the

especially the last two.

May they continue to enjoy the benefits of our healing hands until such time as

we become consultants and can practice on real people for real money to the

great and lost.

I don't think so, eh, Vincent?

What? Oh, of course, non -diplomatic, I say.

I forgot our crawl had reached this depth of barrel. But scrape on, say I.

Vincent, cool it.

Point taken, Jonathan, my old haggis. I'll get another round, then. Good idea.

Yeah, well, I'll leave this one, OK? As you wish.

My apologies, landlord. I trust our merriment does not offend your rustic

clientele. Me rusty what?

Shouldn't have left them out in the rain.

Has he caused you trouble?

No. It's the hooray healers over there.

They've just graduated, which proves they're a rubbish way we've got of

new doctors.

And he thinks the curving wench spouts above her station.

Have her flogged, would you, landlord?

Oh, I don't think we get much flogging.

There, there, there, an unconscious wit. Two pints, then, of your finest ale and

a gill of swill for your good self.

Have you got glasses?

None to match yours, I swear. Not me.

We'll have no swear in an ear. I'll get some.

I'm clinging to a boy.

Not so fast.

Well, I'm sorry about him.

It's been a hectic day.

It's all right. Are you heading back to Civilisation this weekend, Cheryl?

Well, never mind, because this is the last time you're going to have to be

crawling amongst the great unwashed. From now on, they'll be crawling to you.

Next port of call, somebody really must check out first.

I fear an invasion of Pulex irritans if we stay here much longer.

No -one's keeping you.

Nobody's asking you.

Is our spunky little wench stepping over the traces again?

Naughty!

Come on!

Let's get out of here.

Hey, what's going on?

They're just leaving, Harold.

Have you ever heard of Pulex irritans? Oh, yes.

It's one of them Australian ladders.

No problem.

No problem at all.

So, when are you moving?

Fine, I'll be there at two, then.

So, how's the family?

Oh, and onions.

I used them last.

Right, let's see.

Oh, yes, packet soups and a couple of tins of macaroni cheese.

Do you really think so?

Well, yes, we both like macaroni cheese. Yes, I know, but you see...

He's never had things out of tins, you see.

Well, I'm afraid... Leave that one with me, will you?

It'll work out a lot cheaper in the end.

Oh, are they?

Oh, we're out of kitchen rolls. Then get some.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're probably best out of the way.

Well, I wish you luck. They say it's the most dramatic thing after childbirth,

don't they?

How would you know?

Oh, right, hang on then.

Yeah, go on.

Right, I'll see you Tuesday, then. Bye.

That was David. The movie.

Where to?

The Gables, Sefton Park Drive.

Sounds very nice.

I'm sure it won't be long before you're ready for something more.

Could I describe to him precisely how to plumb in a washing machine? I ask you,

some people.

So you said you'd go round and do it for him.

Well, I said I'd help. I mean, it's easy, isn't it?

Sure it is.

Some people are really stupid about these things.

Yes, some people really are.

Come on, you lot, speak up. Haven't you got no homes to go to?

They've all gone, Harold.

Oh, have they?

Well, you'd better lock up, then.

Oh, all right, never mind. I'll do it.

Sorry, madam, we're closed.

Yeah, I just went and worked with it. Ah, the doctor.

Pinted that you're eminent.

Yeah, I tried this. Special for you. Can be taken either end, depending on your

problem.

Look, I just came here to apologise.

Before, what have you done?

On behalf of my colleague.

Ah, Dr Hannibal Lecter.

Why couldn't he come himself?

Oh, he's drying out. In more senses than one.

Look, I'm afraid he's a drop too much, and, well, he shouldn't have done what

did. I think I pointed that out to him. Yeah, you did, rather. He's lucky not to

be finding out what life's like at the other end of the stethoscope.

Probably to take care of yourself.

Yeah, we were learning through young old peasants.

Yeah, what's another thing?

He couldn't have said those things.

What do you want, pal?

Jonathan. He's not here.

My name's Jonathan.

Well, I wouldn't complain.

You could have called your jet again.

So?

Well, just a story about earlier.

As you said, and?

And can I take you home or anything?

How can I put this?

Remember the second word's knotted.

Fair enough.

But the intention's honourable, I assure you.

Bye. Jonathan.

The smarm.

Save it for your patients, eh?

Ta -ra, girl.

And don't be late in tomorrow.

That canteen is just a hotbed of tittle -tattle. Mind, it's about the only hot

thing that comes out of there. I had the ravioli this lunchtime, and the warmest

thing was the cutlery. And that was only because it had just come out the

dishwasher.

So I caught up with Jean at the till, and I persuaded her to go hard on a

of brown sauce.

I mean, ten... Pence is ridiculous.

Well, she wasn't keen because she was only having an apple.

She was upset, you see, because while she was looking for a four and a half in

suede, she overheard a customer say, I'm all right, thanks, the fat one's

serving me.

Are you two listening to me?

Yeah. Mind you, she is on the heavy side, though I thought it was dead cruel

when someone wrote in the staff lift underneath the sign, five people only,

two people and Jean.

Get that with one of you.

Oh, and if it's Mrs Lewis wanting me to do overtime on Saturday, tell her I'm

out. Unless it's on cosmetics.

You know, I'm a bit worried about you, Gerald. All this reading. Why can't you

be like normal kids and watch telly all evening?

Hello? Hiya.

Er, yeah, I'm as it happens.

Yeah, that should be all right. Just drop him round.

Sounds bad.

Childbirth?

And what would he know?

Yeah, that's all right.

All right, we'll see you then.

How's our Pam? She's moving on Tuesday and wants me to look after the kids.

turn.

Actually, it could be our Pam again. She didn't tell me what time she was

dropping them off.

She's not coming here, is she?

Hello, Delphi Hotel.

Oh, sorry, wrong number.

No, just kidding. Who do you want?

Oh, is Brenda Wilson there?

Hang on.

Hey, Dozie.

What? Scream soon, it's for you.

Hello?

Is that Brenda Walsh from the Grapes?

Yeah, where did you get me number?

I can't say.

You can't?

Well, next time I see him, I'll stamp on his glasses.

What are you doing Tuesday?

I'm working.

No, you're not. It's your day off.

Then I'll stamp on his spare pair.

Come on, I'm off most of Tuesday too.

No, I'm busy.

No, you're not. But what day would you go out? Just for the afternoon.

You don't want to be stuck in that Delphi hotel all day.

Well, it's not exactly the Adelphi. No, I didn't think it was.

Tell me something.

What's Pulex Irritant?

Ah. Ah!

Well, if I tell you, you won't come.

Well, I'm not coming anyway.

Then I'm not telling you.

OK. OK.

OK, I'll come and you can tell me then. Right, that's great.

We'll just go up... I'll meet you at the top of Lark Lane at two and bring a

loaf. A loaf? And don't be late.

Brenda, could you help me, please?

Right, fellas.

Good work.

Oh, sorry.

Okay.

It did occur to me that when you and our Brenda split that we wouldn't see much

of you.

But then David values your friendship.

What a practical level, so to speak.

Him being more cerebral.

I'm glad about that.

It's not as if you split with animosity.

No.

Well, Brenda, you split with.

But it's nice that you can do it civilised. I'm sure I couldn't.

If David walked out on me, well, he wouldn't walk far because I'd break both

legs.

They're way different being a tender, loving couple with kids.

Yeah, I'm sure you're right. It's best if you can do things in a civilised way,

yeah. I mean, I'd like to think Lucinda and Brenda could be friends.

They haven't got a lot in common, though, have they?

Well, nothing really.

Apart from the fact that they both had me.

Oh, I don't mean in the sense that they had me. I mean the fact that they had

me.

I just don't see why you have to do it now. For heaven's sake, Pamela, it's the

second round of the finish open.

Stupid thing!

That's brilliant, isn't it? Hitting a television set because it doesn't work.

Oh, I'm sorry, David. Don't hit me again.

Is that what she wanted?

What? Just tell Malcolm to come through.

He's really doing the washer, and after that, the microwave needs a longer lead.

No sense of priorities, you people.

Yeah. Yeah, and that's why I've always been a determinist, really.

I mean, what will be, will be.

And it's no use crying over spilt milk that's gone a bit sour because you can't

teach an old dog to change its leopards midstream, can you, Pam?

Pam?

Pam?

Talk to yourself.

I suppose they have been.

I haven't brought any butter.

That's all right. We're grateful for anything.

And you're in breakfast accommodation?

Well, we are now.

It was getting a bit cramped for the six of us in the refuge.

Refuge? Barred lives?

Yeah, even though I'm not.

Flattered? A wife.

You wouldn't, you see.

And then later on I found out he already was.

But things are better now.

Well, so comparative.

I suppose so.

And you've got your own phone.

Well, it's in the hall just outside our room.

Incoming calls only.

Court. That was our Gerald who answered the phone. He's a bit of a joker.

I got that.

He's my eldest.

Then there's Sarah and Zelda and Kelvin and Donna.

They're both in town at the moment looking after cars for people. And then

there's Gran.

Poor old Gran.

It just needs retuning.

You see, in your old house you'd be on Melly Park.

But here you're on Winter Hill, except that you should be on Staunton. But

that's horizontally polarised, so you'd need a different aerial.

Yes, well, I thought we might, yeah.

Was that why you...

Yeah, it's much easier these days with auto -channel scanning.

You used to have to tune each channel button in manually.

No, hold it!

There it is.

Looks like Ballisteros on the fourth. Right, thanks, Mel.

Or the other station. No, later, later. This is all we need at the moment. We?

Yes, yes. You can have Malcolm back now.

You can't impose on Malcolm any longer. He'll still be wondering what's

happening here. No, no, she's on till ten. I've got to pick her up from the

hospital. Oh, so you're not in any hurry?

Well, it's been making a lot of noise and slurping things around, but it

actually swallowed anything.

Oh, which reminds me, would you like to stay for tea?

There's a dollar piece around the corner. Oh, you could nip round to the

in the last lane.

I'd send David, but he says it's not good for his image to be seen queuing

chips. Look, I'll show you.

It's probably quite simple.

Like me.

It's dead hard living on the fitness I get working at the grapes.

I just can't see how you can manage, especially with five kids.

Well, their grandma's a big help.

She looks after them while I'm out slogging over a hot glass washer. But it

hard. It doesn't help her being an invalid.

An invalid?

Well, of this accident, she can't speak properly now.

You can't blame her, Jaddle.

She's only four at the time.

And how should they know that you shouldn't turn on a food processor while

someone's licking it out?

I need to be more careful.

Well, I haven't eaten tongue since.

These two look pretty destitute.

Oh, it's all Oxfam stuff.

Of course.

So who's are they?

Eh? These two. Who's are they?

What's Pulex Irriton?

Fleas.

What, so your mate was saying that the grapes was riddled with fleas? No, he

just... A snotty doctor.

Look at him.

Hello? Hello.

Who's are they?

They're my sisters.

Thought you'd like it when you saw us coming. I might have seen you before you

filmed me.

Oh, you don't heart you doctors.

I'm glad I did.

He's moving into a place across the park.

I'm just keeping him out of the way for the afternoon.

And the look?

These guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah, lovely. From the couple next door.

He's an orthodontist.

Oh, that's handy.

From Paul and Jenny. Hope you'll be very happy here.

Fat -headed Lizzie.

That's not very nice, is it? The plants.

It's a cross between ivy and fascia.

Oh, I shall have to get them more houseplants.

They'd better go with a house like this.

You can let them grow.

It's hard to stop them.

But not cat's eye.

They're a bit common, aren't they?

Do you like cat's eye, Malcolm?

No. I wouldn't deliberately harm one, though.

It, er, seems all right.

What, the plants?

No, the waste disposal.

I'll just take the waste flowpipe outside.

Hi, Anne. You ever get hungry?

Well, it is about time. Oh, hello.

This is Jonathan.

Pleased to meet you. And I'm pleased to meet you. Oh, you're Scottish.

I'll keep you to it.

He's a barman on an exchange visit.

What are you doing with the grapes?

I've sent a couple to Glasgow. I should send a few more of them to keep total.

You asked it again, Brent.

The pools are a wee bit mucky.

Oh, yes. Well, if you'd like to take them round the side, Jonathan, we've got

outhouse there.

Have I not seen you in all creatures great and small?

No. Oh, right.

I don't know what you've done with her, but she's out like a light.

So what do you think?

Hmm, very palatial. The couple next door are very nice. They bought us a

housewarming plant.

And you set it on fire.

So who is he?

Who? Oh, I don't know.

Brenda. No.

I was just coming through the park and I saw this bloke with a bottle of meth

rummaging through a dustbin.

All right, I'll tell you the truth.

He's a docker. Or at least that's what it sounded like. Why can't it sound it

like? You mean he's a docker? Going out with you?

Well, he is from north of the border, where they're just sprinkled with

rather than marinated in it like we are. I can never accuse us of anything like

that. David, could you come through, please, and help me take Sarah up to the

nursery?

Please, come in. Sorry I closed the door.

Ignore her. She did it on purpose.

I'm afraid my shoes are a bit mucky as well.

Oh, that's all right.

Doctor.

I'll probably just call a doctor. Congratulations.

Please, leave them on. Just lift them up. She'll lick them clean for you.

I'll make some tea. Is the kitchen through there?

Yes. Oh, this is David, my husband.

He's a consultant.

Oh, pleased to meet you. A PR consultant.

Public relations.

Of course.

You're Scottish, aren't you?

You folk are quick at sporting these things, aren't you? I just thought you

might be interested in the golf.

What are you playing there?

David, just because Jonathan's Scottish doesn't mean he... I am interested,

actually. All right, come through.

David!

I'll just lead to the wee one, back in a tick.

Excuse me.

Turn it

off! Turn it off!

Pass me that spanner, will you?

Yes.

It's over there, by the fact that we're busy.

Thanks, pal.

Thanks, guys.

Who are you talking to?

One of these days, I'll ask you a question and get a straight answer.

You just did. Come on, we're going.

Where to?

Well, you want to take me for a meal, don't you?

Yeah. Brilliant.

Yeah, Jonathan's just spotted a Pulex irritans.

A Pulex irritans?

I think he came third in the Burmese Open.

Well,

thanks very much for the meal.

It was lovely.

Well, it's the least I'd do for someone who hasn't eaten for three days.

Actually, it was only two.

What about a coffee? I'm not until twelve.

No, thanks.

I'll give you a ring tomorrow.

Thanks for seeing me home.

That's all right.

Could have been attacked.

By a talking black hole?

Maybe. So who was it?

Who? At the house.

Was that?

Just the one I'm never going to see again.

Like that, eh?

Yeah. Just like that.

I'll see you.

Sorry, there was an emergency.

Have you been asleep?

Yeah. For a long, long time.

Melt me with a smile.

Don't make me laugh.