Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

In a minute.

Very nice.

Jacinda. Malcolm.

Sorry I'm late.

No problem.

I had a lot on today.

I'm not inconveniencing you, am I?

No, no. I like to be inconvenienced.

You do?

Yeah, but I don't mind.

Are you?

Certainly a beauty.

You can tell she's been restored by a loving hand.

Do you like bikes, then?

Cars are sort of reserved, but bikes, well, especially the old ones, it's all

there, isn't it?

All exposed.

I've never thought of it like that before.

Well, you're spoiled handling them all the time.

What about mine?

Yours? My car.

Oh, yes, yes, I'll have a look. It's probably something quite small.

These occasional faults usually are.

The trouble with yours is it's difficult to get at your primary side.

Oh, sweet.

So you'll have to hang on to it, will you?

Desperately. I mean, definitely.

Is that all right?

As long as it takes.

Right.

Will you run me home?

Yeah, well, it won't take long.

Well, I'll what?

If you don't mind.

All right.

Is yours all right?

Horrible.

I thought you were getting fish.

I did, but it was tasteless.

So we swapped it for Malcolm's pie.

You should have got curry.

I've only got one stomach. I was thinking of holding on to it for a bit.

Are you in a mood?

No. Are you sure?

Yes.

Do you find Egbert the boring dumb?

Yes. And how he's fed up being stuck in all day with no money?

Yes. Is that why you're in a mood?

Shut up.

Hi.

Oh.

Where have you been?

Work. One of us has to. Shut up.

She's in the mood. I'm not.

Where have you been?

I just told you, work.

Well, you weren't there an hour ago.

I phoned to see if you wanted pie or fish.

Oh, yeah. I had to call somewhere on the way home. Where?

Me mother's.

Did you leave there?

No. You wish you had.

Shut up.

See? I didn't. I told you, honest. I just called.

In the car.

It's outside.

I thought we might go for a run later.

You bought a car?

Oh, no, no.

You nipped it?

No.

It's a customer's. It's got a fort. I need to run it round a bit to trace it.

What, and he believed you?

It's true.

She, actually.

She? Yeah, I remember. That Lucinda was at Pam's last week.

Oh, eh? Well, she'll probably be good for a few quid.

I thought we might go through to Southport.

Oh, yes.

Smashing. Oh.

Yeah, this great pub I know just outside Birkdale. I didn't mean that all...

Now, you get your nosh, Melk. Brenda can square up here and I'll just... I'm

around doing nothing.

I told you she's in a mood. I'm not!

It's in the oven. It'll need warming up.

I'm sorry about him. I'd meant just to... Never mind.

We can sit him in the back with a bottle and a colouring book.

Right.

By the way, there's a bit missing from your fish.

I checked it just to make sure it was good enough for you.

That was kind.

Are you heating it up?

Mark, you did remember to take it off the paper, didn't you?

You see, I can't really get comfy in the back of a car this time.

It's my bad leg.

No, you haven't a bad leg. Which one is it?

One of these two.

So how far is it, do you reckon?

Oh, about 20 miles.

And how far have we come?

About one and a half.

It's got to be worth it.

Oh, it's a great club.

The beer is just superb.

Well, I know one that's got a slight advantage over yours. Get away.

We could walk away from here.

What about the beer?

Well, that's probably best described as disgusting.

You mean the grape?

You know it? Well, I've heard about it. Of course, it might have changed.

Well, check it out.

Much longer.

No, I've found the... I just need to... How long?

Well, perhaps a few more... No more than ten, certainly no more than a quarter.

I'm going to put the... We'll be in the grape.

Come on.

Hey, I can introduce you to Harold.

Oh, yeah? The man who's done for bartends and what Sweeney Todd's done

hairdressing.

Hey, before you go, just pass me... That banner.

So this is where you first met him, eh? Yeah. He's got a lot to answer for.

I was sitting in there with our Pam doing a bit of people -watching when he

walks in.

I thought he was a biker.

Oh, Malcolm, a biker?

Yeah, well, when it comes to stupid, I've got medals.

His leathers look like off -cuts from a worn -out sofa.

No studs, no earrings, no wrist chains. In fact, nothing manly at all.

From what I thought was a tattoo poking out from under his cuff, it turns out to

be a by -road phone number.

It's French. It's vandalism. It's French, agreed.

No, no, that's prunes.

Well, it's all blood and rhubarb to me.

Well, maybe the beer's improved.

Not if that striped T -shirt's wrapped around what I think it's wrapped around.

I see there's a TV talent scout outside looking for

genuine scout comics.

Genuine scout?

I need a kick to change, Adam.

Oh, thanks, love.

By the way, it's not Adam.

It's Pierre.

Pierre?

Oui.

Pouvons -nous avoir un pint et un demi de bitter, s 'il vous plaît? Un pint and

a bitter, please.

All right.

The murder here today.

Murder. Two staff shots.

Hey, and the cook's gone bolshie. The cook?

Oh, yeah. We share food here now. Very continental.

Like what?

Spanish omelette.

Hamburger and French fries.

Cheers. Good luck.

Well, I'm not looking forward to me second.

Wow, look at this.

Sooner or not, he'll be gone, mine.

You wouldn't believe it's the same place.

You will when you taste the ale.

Right, now, what are you having, Malcolm?

Oh, er, wine and soda, please. Right.

Hey, there's a lot of a ragging on our side.

Yeah? Yes, walking up to her, there's an old crowd of people screaming jokes at

this bloke with a walkman.

Screams?

Here, Malcolm, what do you want? A Bordeaux, Muscadet or Cheshire?

Cheshire? Right.

Oh, no, what is it?

Homebrew? Oh, yes, yes, in Closetown Creeks. It's got a glasshouse in

Bordeaux, please. Right.

It'll be another one of his bunnies, you know.

Who, Adam?

Bernard. Oh, right.

I mean, he's all right in small doses, but I'm stuck with him all day.

He can be a right pain, these people, who won't take anything seriously.

They're always coming back with the one -liners.

Oh, you think so?

It's true.

So, how'd you get on?

Oh, I cracked it.

That's your own fault for bouncing her on the pavement.

Yeah, a right pain.

Yeah, well, I'm different.

How'd you get on with Lucinda's car?

Oh, all right. Well, I guessed it was something electrical.

And was it? Yeah, a dry joint.

Didn't know she smoked.

Paulty soldiering. I've fixed it for now. I'll do a proper job tomorrow.

Right, here we are.

It's not one of his own brews, is it? Oh, no, no, no. But they did sound very

interesting. There is a red, a white and a day -glow orange.

Go on.

Apparently the cook's uncle's got a vineyard near Sellafield.

Hey, did you say cook?

Yeah, they've gone continental.

Why, are you hungry? I'm starving.

It's your own fault for setting fire to your dinner.

Do you two want anything?

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't think so. I seem to recognise the handwriting.

Hungarian gula. Oh, no, don't bother.

I support your will to bring it home.

Oh, morning.

Well,

that was a good night, wasn't it? Was it?

Well, the bit I remember was.

And that was a great club.

Which one? The one where you said you were from the vice squad or the one

you tried to get in free with your pension book?

It was me bus pass, actually.

I suppose it was quite a thrill for you being out with two handsome men about

town. Oh, yes, especially as one kept falling asleep and the other kept

over. Yes,

well, the floor was slippy. And the pavement.

Oh, you noticed it too, did you?

Right, well, what's for breakfast?

No idea.

You're not still in a mood, are you? No.

Oh, good.

Pour us some cornflakes, will you, Brenda?

See you tonight, Bernard.

That'll keep you regular.

You look tired.

Yeah, we did. I didn't get in till late last night.

Gallivanting, I suppose.

It's all right for a ladyship with no job to go to the next day.

But she's no right to be leading you astray.

I wasn't there doing the leading. It was Bear. Bear?

Yeah,

Yogi Bear.

Who? A friend.

It's his nickname.

Yes, well, I assumed he wasn't actually on his crippling certificate.

I've not heard you mention him before.

Who? Yogi Bear.

Oh, yeah, I think he's... One of her crowd, I suppose.

Oh, I hope you're not having them in the house. It's a respectable

neighbourhood, remember.

Even more so since Bernard moved out.

I'm sure it's a mess.

What is? The house.

Does she clean it?

Of course.

Oh, Bess. We all do.

All?

Both. The pair of us.

We each do our share, and it's just as Peggy left it.

Well, I wouldn't be asking much.

Yeah, I don't believe you, Malcolm.

I know what you were like when you were here, the pair of you.

I shall have to call round.

Next thing, I'll be vermin.

Mother. I shall have a word with Peggy when she gets back.

Oh, the disgrace of it, having to have a council dirt squad in.

Don't think that's right.

You forget Malcolm's tone, way. I've known you since you were born.

That's not unusual with mothers, is it?

I know when you're telling fibs.

I know that little tweaking round the mouth.

Yeah, and those sideways looks.

I'm not a doctor's dumb cabbage looking.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if this yogi bear isn't using Peggy's house for

some acid drop party.

Acid house, Mother.

There you are. You admit it.

of information,

vegetable, animal and mineral.

Yeah, you see, it was all happening behind the fans, so I had to have it

Well, I mean, it should have been happening, but it wasn't, which is why

out.

See, the trouble was, the spade to the liquor terminal on the LT side was all

gunged up, so sometimes it wasn't making.

And then when you stopped, it made again.

And there was just no way of knowing, unless you waggled it about a bit while

was still warm.

Is that what you did?

Yeah, I fixed it temporarily and then resold it properly this morning. And

tragedy. What happened?

Soldering iron.

Put it down on my butty butt.

I don't use it much. I go to my mum's for lunch these days.

So?

So? So what's the damage?

Ruined. Went straight through the lead plastic.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, nothing.

Don't be silly.

It's your livelihood.

What about materials?

OK, there was the solder.

How much?

5p. And your labour?

Oh, 10p.

Oh, you're hopeless.

Look, if I can't pay, can I at least give you something?

No, it's all right.

Please, a present. What do you need at this moment?

Nothing, really, except... Yeah?

I suppose I do need a new buddy box.

Sure.

Look, let me take you to lunch sometime.

That'd be nice.

And perhaps tomorrow I'll pop by with something for you.

Great. Look, I mean, it doesn't have to be the same, but my last one was a

snitch.

I'll run you back.

Yes, yes, Peggy. Well, I know you were never in any danger of being called

-proud, but this is beyond a joke.

There's now no question you should not have left them near the place.

Peggy, we are talking Havisham standards here.

Uh, no.

Miss Havisham in great expectation.

Not the Wigan trot forward.

I tell you not, a finger has been lifted.

How do I... Because when I got your cleaner out, what did I find?

A cobweb right across your crevice nozzle.

Oh, don't you be making excuses for her.

There's worse to come.

That little harlot is two -timing my son.

She's having men round.

In the house when I got here.

No, I didn't see him because he ran off.

But I know it was a he because he left a fully loaded shaving implement in the

bathroom.

What's more, I'm pretty sure his name is Yogi Bear.

Thank you very much, Malcolm.

Where have you been?

In the hide.

Why? Well, I was hiding from Marjorie.

She's been here? Well, she nearly caught me, got out just in time.

Your face is all red.

Chapped.

She caught me in mid -shape. I've been out there all afternoon.

I must say, she's done a very good job, though, don't you think?

Maybe you could sign her up to come round weekly, save Brenda having to do

Oh, God, Brenda.

Yes, well, she went out at lunchtime. Yeah, I know. She rang.

I was supposed to pick her up on me way past the grapes. I forgot.

Oh, less raisins, eh?

Boozy little madam. She'll do enough when she sees this place. The idea of me

mother cleaning here.

Oh, I'll have to think of something. Well, don't worry, Malcolm. We will.

I'll have to go.

All right.

Well, have one for me.

Harold.

Harold, have you seen...

Harold?

Harold?

Pierre? Oui, monsieur.

Have you seen Brenda?

You'll have to wait your turn, mate. She's only got one pair of hands.

Who's this Andalusian chicken with Russian salad?

Brenda? What, you?

Yeah.

Oh, well, um, we've run out of carrots, so you've got egg and chips.

What are you doing?

I'm taking trombone lessons. What's it look like?

Why? Because Cedric had a vacancy.

Look, Brenda, you don't have to do this. Yes, I do. At least until I find

something better.

I'm fed up of skivvying for you and the jolly grey giant.

But you don't do anything.

Well, that's besides the point.

You two think I should, which is just as bad.

Worth, in fact, because at least if I did do something, the place wouldn't be

such a mess.

Oh, well, look, I might be a bit soft, but... Oh, don't sell yourself short,

Malk. It's more than a bit.

Brenda, you're skivvying here.

Yes, but I'm getting paid pennies for it. And apart from that, at the end of

day, I can go home.

Oh, well, if that's what you want.

Don't give me permission, Malk.

I just meant... Don't... OK, OK, look, we'll all muck in.

Well, you can wipe the tables if you like, but I don't think you'll pay yet.

I mean, at home, me, you and Bernard, we'll all do a share. I'll draw up a

In fact, yes. Yes, that's it. I've started.

So you'll finish?

Well, see, the reason I'm late is that I knocked off early.

Well, as excuses go, Mark, I've heard better.

You could have said you got lost in the Mersey tunnel.

No, no, we're finishing early. I had time to go back home to Agbus. And we,

Bernard and me, sort of cleared up the place a bit.

Yeah, and I've sort of realised that it wasn't right to sort of leave it all to

you. Sort of? Right.

Even though you didn't know he had a job by then, sort of?

Well, you have now, so it's even more appropriate.

What time did you finish?

Ten minutes ago.

Oh, great. Let's go, then.

You know, there's a funny thing, Melk.

But sometimes when you're sort of telling me something, your mouth sort of

tweaks, and your eyes sort of flicker from side to side, I've often wondered

what that sort of means.

You know, it's amazing how much you can do in just an hour. It's a wonder you

could get that captain over at the choir stall to do anything at all. You just

wait till you see.

Oh, hello, you two.

Had a good day?

What have you been up to, Brenda?

Me neck and egg and chips.

It's OK.

She'll never get them back. Just be ready. I'll put everything back to

Uh, yeah. No, sort of.

But we're not very good at it.

I think I'll pin it up in the kitchen.

What? The rotor.

Now, now, burn will be blue. I'll be red. You're yellow.

Listen, Melk, it's not working.

Yeah, well, it hasn't started yet. Now, this week you've got Monday, Thursday,

Tuesday and Friday.

Look, when you asked me to... Well, I said no because I wasn't ready. And here

am doing everything I said I wouldn't. No, hold on. No, you hold on.

Look, I told you I wasn't ready for the housey -housey bit like our Pam.

And here I am in the middle of naughty land with a womble and a wet wally.

Hey, which one's which?

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out?

So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by his style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.