Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Still asleep?

No, I always eat breakfast with me eyes closed.

Bernard's still asleep.

I suppose it is him.

Not with them old tramp who wandered in looking for the best of the night.

It's him.

Your old tramp wouldn't have had a key, would he?

Thing is, what are we going to do now?

Peppa said we should change the locks.

It's not that simple. It's as much his place as it is hers.

Oh, she said he'd fall for it. It was right when he ran off with the choir,

mistress. Mind he didn't say which rights.

I best dream it.

Oh, no.

Please don't.

Hiya.

Oh, hi.

Brenda.

Bernard. And this is Malcolm.

We've met.

Look, Uncle Bernard, we've got to sort things out. Please don't call me Uncle

Malcolm. I wasn't going to. Poor Uncle Bernard.

Well, now, that's very good.

Do you know, you amaze me. I do.

I never thought you'd land one like this, if you don't mind me saying so.

I do.

You make me sound like a ten -pound cod.

Oh, sorry.

What weight are you?

Look, we're going to have to decide what to do. Why?

Well, it's obvious. You and Peggy won't want us staying here.

Well, don't tell her.

Any tea?

But if you're back to stay, I mean... But I'm not. I've just popped in for a

change of underwear.

Well, after two months.

Well, choir mistresses are very faddy.

Come on, what's happened?

I want to tell you the truth. I've come to my senses.

I'm really getting a bit too old for running round after Rob.

Anyway, it wasn't being fair to Peggy.

No, no, I've seen the error of me ways.

Mind you, she was a nice young thing.

Young? Forty -six.

Poor child.

But I thought I'd best come back because... She's thrown you out. She's

me out.

Is there any toast?

No, I'll be going.

I'm calling at my mum's lunchtime. I'll have a word with Peggy then.

Oh, no, no, don't do that, Malcolm, please.

Oh, well, look, why spoil it for everybody?

I mean, you two can stay on it. I wouldn't get in the way.

You'd hardly know I was around.

In fact, I could help about the place.

Except I'm no good at ironing.

That's OK.

Neither am I.

Oh, well, you're all right, aren't you, Mother? Hold on a minute. Look, it

wouldn't be indefinitely just for the foreseeable.

You see, the thing is, the longer Peggy is stuck with your mother, the more

amenable she'll be when I reappear.

So what do you say for the moment?

Mum's away.

I thought we'd have gifts on Saturday instead of a starter.

Fine.

What was that green gooey stuff we had at the Howard's?

Guacamole. Right.

Here we are.

Guacamole with buckets of mixed crud ice.

What?

Bouquets of mixed crudity. Oh!

And for main course, I thought Bilbo squid with tequila and lime.

Will you go to Daly's for me? What for?

The squid, you can't get it round here.

I can't go traipsing round town with a briefcase full of squid.

Your friend?

I mean, do you want to impress Nicholas?

What's this girlfriend called?

Lucinda. Look, it's not just that. We owe Brian and Pauline a meal. And I

Why not ask Brenda?

If she's coming over, she can pick up the squid.

Oh, I see.

For a minute there, I thought that you were suggesting that she and Malcolm

for dinner on Saturday.

For Brenda with Nicholas.

What's funny?

Nothing.

Our Brenda's changing. She's growing up.

And with Malcolm having his own business, she's coming round to

there's more to life than lounging round all day, watching telly, playing cards

and drinking.

15 -2, 15 -4 and a pair. And in the box... Oh, five

for a run.

Three. Sorry.

Thought you said you'd never played this game before.

I haven't, but I've met players like you before.

Right.

How long did your Pamela been married, then? Just a year. It was a rush job.

Has she always been on the up?

Just about.

Pretentious Pam, the poser I used to call her, until... Until?

Until she found out and broke me collarbone.

A bit of a heavy, is she?

Nah. She's just a big softie, really. Doesn't realise her own strength.

Well, I say big softie.

Really, I mean sort of gigantic.

Right, that's 15 -2, 15 -4, and a pair.

Yeah, my deal. Hold on. And in the box, 15 -2, three for a run, and one for his

knob. I win.

Are you sure?

It's 14 pence you owe me, and no, I don't want another game.

Oh, well, fair enough.

What do you usually have for lunch? Breakfast.

Oh, right.

But I had it early this morning.

Malcolm insisted.

Said he didn't want to leave me in the house with a strange man.

Strange? Me?

Maybe he meant odd.

Hello?

Hiya.

I was talking to the telly. It was a game show, Odds or Evens.

No, I haven't forgotten. Wes Kirby at one.

You've got to be joking.

All right, then. I'll see you later.

Ta -ra.

She wants me to call in at the fish market and pick up a squid.

Well, don't forget to paint the little red dots on it.

What? Measles.

Do you owe her any money?

Yeah, a fiver. Oh, do you know? Our sisters always owe each other money.

You want to borrow another pound from her, then when you give her the fish,

can say, here's that six quid I owe you.

Terrible. Where did you get that from?

Sir Dandy, that's for Dan 1948.

I see. Well, never mind.

Some other time, perhaps.

Now, don't worry. I understand.

If Bennet's sick, the place for you to be is by his side.

As you say, you wouldn't be able to relax stuck over here, chattering on

inconsequentials.

No, Corleen, don't you give it another thought.

I'll call you next week to see how he is. Bye now.

Stupid cow!

Hello,

David Lynch.

They've cried off.

Selfish bitch.

I mean, it's tomorrow night.

So inconsiderate. And you should have heard what she had to say about your

conversation. I'm listening to her.

All she ever talks about is bloody horse riding and macrame. And it's not as if

she's any good at either.

You've seen that thing hanging up in their porch.

Looks like an egg box in a friend's vest. Please calm down.

Now, what's happened?

Pauline rang. They can't come tomorrow.

Well, don't get upset.

I mean, there must have been a reason.

Oh, there's a reason. All right.

Ben...

Stupid Mandarin Pekingese.

Oh, right.

Well, it is a pedigree. Don't you dare side with them when I'm being

I'm sorry.

Well, we'll just have to have a foursome. But it won't be a proper

then. Normally recipes are for six.

And the place matters.

We need another couple.

At one day's notice, Pamela, be reasonable. I mean, it's so obvious.

engaged.

Wondered if you and Brenda would like to come here on Saturday night evening for

the evening to eat. For a meal.

It's all due to a misunderstanding in that I thought David had asked you and

David thought I'd asked you.

Oh, there'll be another couple called Nicholas and something else. And it

be a pleasant evening.

Bye. Oh, it's Pamela here.

Terrible joke.

And anyway, it was ten quid you borrowed off me the last time, so it's eleven

you owe me now.

It was pretty awful, wasn't it?

Where'd you get it from?

Bernard. Bernard?

Did I say Bernard?

I meant Bernard Matthews.

Originally it was a sick turkey, but the joke didn't work so well.

So, Brenda, will you come then, Saturday?

Nicholas is very interesting.

It's very modernised as old pubs. You know, the sort of thing. Gets rid of the

spit and sawdust image.

Put the neon lighting and genuine plastic beams.

Between you and me, David's hoping to handle his account.

Well, so long as they don't frighten the horses.

So you're all right for Saturday, then?

Saturday? Tomorrow, dinner at our place.

Oh, yeah.

But, er, just tell us something, Pam.

What? Who cried off?

I've been saving the Santa million for tonight.

Seems a bit of a waste now.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

I suppose I could serve from two bottles.

Will you do something useful? Go and tidy the living room?

What's the panic? Nobody's going to be here before eight. Go!

Nicholas isn't just a friend, you know.

He's a potential client.

This could prove a very expensive evening.

Very expensive.

David, shut up! They're coming and that's the end of it.

Yeah, probably will be. The end of my business.

Oh, no, what time did you tell them? I didn't. Go and answer it.

Please, God, let it be Jehovah Witnesses.

Hi there, come in.

Going to bed?

Just tidy it.

Are we early?

Of course not.

They are.

Bulgarian. Oh, right. Well, they make some pretty good stuff.

Yes, well, it could turn out to be a very good year.

1990.

The other's not here yet, then?

No, not yet. Perhaps in a couple of hours.

So we are early? Not at all, no. We just need to tidy round a bit. Then maybe

you could hold the fort while Pam and I go upstairs to change and shower.

Oh, I'll give you a hand.

Thanks.

Oh, I was always really good at this one.

You haven't lost your touch.

Oh, no, I mean babysitting here with Brenda. Used to do it with me eyes shut.

I don't blame you.

I took my shooting socks off, did it with my eyes shut and my hands in my

pockets.

Pardon?

No, I've got a very sensitive left foot.

Do you want it a bit lighter?

Oh, no, everything's going according to plan.

So far.

Brenda, please, not the asparagus.

Each posy is balanced.

They're to dip with.

That's anchovy and pea, that's the herb dip, and you'll just love this

guacamole. Stop it!

I used sun -dried tomatoes and a bit of cayenne pepper and just a smidgen of

Tabasco.

If you want to help, you could blanch the mange, too.

Mange, too?

Blanch them? Yes.

Well, if you just point them out, I'll tell them a ghost story.

They need topping and tailing and stringing. They're one minute in boiling

and run under the cold tap.

I'll just put the lemon on the filibub.

I don't understand you, Pamela.

Why don't they just stick to the old -fashioned meals like our mother used to

defrost?

How many's that?

Four. Brilliant.

Oi, Pam, I'm starving. Can't we start dicking?

Come on, let's all have a little wiggle in your guacamole.

They'll be here any minute.

Would anybody like a sherry?

Haven't you got anything to drink?

What about you, darling?

Shh, he's concentrating.

Pamela. Tio Pepe, please.

Malcolm.

Don't disturb him. He'll end up with a star -shaped round and a square orifice.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were Brenda.

Please behave.

Yes, Malcolm, behave.

You can have it back later.

Hello,

Nicholas. Hi, Pansy.

Meet Linda.

Hi. Hello.

This is Brenda.

Hi, I'm Pansy's sister.

I'm Malcolm.

All right.

Hello. Hello, Malcolm.

We were just about to share it. Yes, what will it be?

I prefer a G &P, if possible. Large one, if you like. Luke's lost the top

tonight. I'm driving.

An orange juice, please.

Right. Well, please take a seat.

I say, we're not late, are we? Oh, no, no, of course not.

We'll eat and say another.

20 minutes.

Just think of it as an early breakfast.

So I said to this yobbo with the placard, the farmers round here can't

have their crops ruined by hares, you know.

So what happened?

Well, they're caught and relieved one at a time.

To be chased by two slobbering greyhounds.

The farmers?

The hares.

You call that sport?

Absolutely.

Obviously the excitement of the chase is not something you'd be familiar with,

dear. I'm not a dear.

anyone? The countryside has its traditions. These things go back a long

Coffee? Oh, now I know why you two were late. Got caught up in the traffic

coming back from the bear baiting, did you?

Anybody like a Drambuie?

Please don't include me. The Waterloo isn't my cup of tea.

Oh, Waterloo cup, very good.

Yes, well, if you haven't actually been there, you're in no position to comment.

Well, I've never been to a public flogging, but I'd still object.

Unless it was you.

Can we talk about something else? Well, actually, I'd say flogging was too good

for some of the oiks at the Waterloo this year.

Oh, well, at least we agree on something, eh?

I meant... Do you know anyone to see Home and Away yesterday?

I don't watch football.

So, Australian soup often?

Yucky. I'm afraid I don't get in in time.

Lucky you.

Well, I don't usually watch it. I just happened to see a snatch yesterday.

As I was changing channels, looking for the news...

Anyway, there was this chap, the image of Bobby.

Bobby? From Dallas.

Maybe I only watch wildlife programmes.

They're my favourite.

Actually, I don't watch any television at all, really.

Nor me.

Well, hardly any.

I like Tomorrow's World.

Well, there are some quite good documentaries.

And drama.

Maybe, but it can be an awful waste of time.

Even when one's sat through some terribly confusing plaything, one still

wait for tomorrow's telegraph to find out if one enjoyed it or not.

What'll give one hand with one's dishes if one wants?

I don't suppose you happen to have a drop of the old five -star, do you,

Certainly, Nicholas. Come through here.

The disaster.

Well, the squid was a bit rubbery, but apart from that, everything was fine.

I don't mean the meal. All that arguing.

It was supposed to be a nice, friendly dinner party. Instead, it turned out

the House of Commons.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

Anyway, what else can you expect if you can invite Greenpeace to nosh with the

Third Reich?

You didn't have to argue.

David was right.

About what?

Nothing. Didn't want us to come, eh?

No, yes. Well, he didn't think it'd be a good combination.

Didn't think the likes of them would mix with the likes of us.

Well, he's right.

Those kind of people are exactly the kind Malcolm and me can't stand.

So you've your own car business?

Motorbikes, actually. I specialise in vintage machines.

You must be very talented.

Oh, it's just a knack.

You know Nicholas Long?

Too long.

Oh. He lives nearby. We're occasional partners.

Oh. He drinks too much when I'm driving. Just hope we get home OK.

What? You don't mean you'll try when you're driving in a car? No, no.

It's just that I've got this problem.

It's just a little thing, but it's unpredictable.

Do you want to talk about it?

Why not?

I'm sure you'll understand.

I'll try.

Well, suddenly, for no apparent reason, I just lose all power.

I see.

Normally, you're psychic, are you?

You know, you've got the force, the power, psychotransmission.

I'm not sure.

It's a citron.

What?

My car.

Two CVs.

See, it suddenly just cuts out. I stop, wait a minute, turn the key, and she's

away again.

It's a bit scary.

Well, it would be, yeah.

Have you not taken her back to the garage?

Twice. Each time they said they'd fixed it, but after a few weeks it's happened

again.

Well, these occasional faults are usually the most difficult to trade.

So it seems.

You wouldn't care to take a look, would you?

Me? Well, oddly enough, the 2CV engine is an opposed four -stroke twin.

I thought it might be.

Like a motorbike engine.

Right.

So, would you?

You mean now?

Well, not if it might upset... No, no, I suppose I could have a quick look.

Yeah.

Malcolm's going to take a look at my car.

Now? We want to be sure it'll get us home later.

Do we?

Spoilsport.

He's very practical.

Is he?

Handy to know, types like that.

Can turn his hand to anything.

Genuine artisan, eh?

All too easily taken advantage of, though, I'm afraid.

Well, I'm not sure that we do that. I was thinking of the wee cranky.

Pardon? The Queen of Animal Lib next door.

If I had my way with that girl... She'd have to be drugged first.

Can I get you something?

Only if it's long, sharp and pointed.

A drink.

No, sir. I think we'll be on our way. Where's Malcolm?

No, nothing.

Pardon?

No sign.

Switch off the engine.

Start her up again when I say.

Pardon?

Switch her off.

Start her up again.

Are you all right?

It's the jolt. That's touching the HP lead.

Let me see. Can you do this?

It seems OK.

It was this hand.

You live.

Sure. Positive.

I'm a nurse.

Oh. I thought you knew about bands and things.

Just a knack.

Shall I bring it round to your workshop?

Please, yes.

Let's get back.

Yes.

The worst type.

Needs occasional thought.

So you said.

Do you have any?

What?

Occasional thought.

One or two.

We had to drive round to warm the engine up. Oh, yes, great.

Left me sitting there like one of the guests of the Addams family.

She's your sister.

Yeah. Where did my mother go wrong?

And that Nicholas would like to vivisect him from his green wellies with his

legs still in them.

She was all right.

Oh, was she? Well, pleasant.

Ovaltine? Yeah.

Care to make that three?

I thought you'd be in bed.

Oh, well, I just dozed off on the settee.

Good time?

Well, halfway between bad and disaster.

How was the thick squid?

Bit like your joke. Should have been buried at sea.

Oh, Malcolm, there's a call for you.

Belinda? Said she couldn't make Wednesday with Friday be all right.

Oh, er, right.

Oh, wrong.

Who's Belinda?

Lucinda. I must have said I'll have a look at her car.

Oh, must you?

Sorry, have I said something I shouldn't? No, no, of course not, no,

just a girl, a woman who's in trouble. I've got trouble with her, er... Well,

it puts out occasionally.

I had a go tonight, but I just got a shock.

Nothing happened.

Don't worry, I trust you.

Just don't be taken in.

People like her will use you if you let them. And make sure she pays you well.

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.

And don't get used.

Oh, Mark, put the milk bottles out, will you?

Oh, Mark, bring me over and clean up, will you?

And mine.

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.