Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

Hey, uh, Bren, will you give us a ring, say, half ten?

I'm not born for that one.

Which one?

I ring, say half ten, you say five and ring off.

Look, just give me a ring later on at the workshop.

I'll be out.

You'll be out?

Yeah, but this will take a message.

Answering machine.

Oh, no.

Just to check if it's working.

Any change?

Yeah, another one's at.

I hate them things.

What, fledglings?

Answering machines.

You feel a right divvy talking to them.

First off, you get some creepy voice telling you it's not fair right now.

You can't help thinking that it must be a liar because, well, it must have been

there when it first said it.

And then when it comes to your thing, you can't remember why you phoned. And

you're rambling on like something with the intellect of a Jim Davidson fan.

And you're humming and aahing and wishing you could go back and start

you know there's nobody there.

It's just like being here, really.

Mal.

Mal, are you listening to me?

Don't forget to ring

All for you? It's all lovely.

Who is always there when I have need of her? Who holds our fort and gives me

much -needed support?

Who else but my angel, the love of my life, my favourite wife?

Favourite? You always were.

Thank you, darling.

I love poetry.

And that's from Sarah.

Ooh!

And a kiss, Sam. She did it herself.

Thank you, sweetheart.

And a present.

It's Sarah.

I recorded her when you were out the other night.

She says mama and gaga and that C sound that you think is her trying to say

Brenda. And you think it's her trying to say balls.

Yes. And she does a squeal.

Oh, and I've got three of her saying mo' peas.

More peas?

Or more peas.

And the sound of her splashing in the bar.

Brilliant. It's a C90 and almost filled one side.

Great. I'll play that later.

That is done.

Oh, there's some more cards.

Oh.

Oh, my mother.

Happy birthday.

Congratulations on your forthcoming event.

P .S. I think I missed Brenda's birthday, so if you see her, please let

a look at this card.

It's always been a bit forgetful over birthdays.

Well, that's something I can never be accused of.

Suppose it's better to be fat and 30 than thin and 50. Guess who?

You're not 30.

I'm not fat, either.

Of course not.

Well, bye, then.

Nothing else?

Pardon? Are you sure you haven't forgotten something?

I don't think so.

No, everything seems to be there.

Right, then.

Bye, darling.

Oh yes, there was something else.

Happy birthday!

I thought you'd forgotten.

Would I?

Yeah,

Malcolm fitted it.

Yeah, well, that's what it's for.

I'll see you tonight.

Don't forget these.

First one hatched on Monday.

Marvellous.

Before recording outgoing message, insert microcatheter. Done that, yeah?

all right.

Press OGM record button for two sec.

Speak clearly towards unit built -in microphone.

Right, here we go.

Hello?

Stoneway Motors here.

Morning.

Or good afternoon.

Or good evening.

Malcolm Stoneway, the proprietor, is not available at present.

But if you do leave your name, he will ring you back.

If he knows you. Telephone number.

If he doesn't, he can leave that as well. As well as any other message you

to leave.

Please speak after the tone.

Oh, also,

it would be handy if you could say what time it is when you ring him. Because if

it was a long time ago, well...

I might have spoken to you in between, in the meantime, so to speak. So the

wouldn't be necessary.

Right. Go ahead.

Over and out.

Hello?

That was quick. Where are you?

I'm still in bed, but I've got company, Mr and Mrs Williams.

Jim. Sorry, Jim.

Why do you never talk sense?

It's the truth.

Look, I can't mess about. I just rang to say you can ring me now.

But it's not off yet.

It doesn't matter if it's ready.

I'm just going out for spares.

OK. Oh, make sure you give me time to go, though.

I'll close my eyes and count through 100.

Right. Well, look, if I haven't gone, I'll just pretend I have. You've gone.

Well, there's someone at the door.

Is there?

Oh, right. Well, I'll have to go, then. Bye.

what i got pregnant for me first i guess how i got here uh reinforced broomstick

very

nice

i like a metallic finish don't you wouldn't go anywhere without one and

alone wouldn't be if it has to carry you around

Jealous. Especially when I know what you'd have to do for it.

Come on, then.

Thank you very much, if that's the way you feel.

Oh, don't be soft. I was only joking.

Thanks very much. It's a lovely car.

The seats are in stain -resistant trailer.

Well, that's useful.

And it's an ergonomically designed dashboard.

For what?

The instruments are handy. You know, where you can see them.

Oh.

Is that a new thing, is it?

I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm looking for a time.

Everybody's upstairs.

Everybody. Well, Janet and John are, aren't you?

This is Janet.

Pleased to meet you. Hello. I'm John.

Jim. Sorry, Jim.

How do you do? Fine, thanks. And this is Sarah.

Lovely.

Lovely.

She says hello.

Well, I'm going to make some tea. I'm sure you lot will get on fine.

Mother, do you know where the hide is?

Have you looked at the landing cupboard?

Yeah, and the garage.

Then try your room.

Yeah, it's not there. And it's not my room. I don't live here any more,

remember? Oh, no.

No, of course not.

Did you look on top of your wardrobe?

It's not my wardrobe.

On top, you say? Of your wardrobe.

Right.

He's found it.

Found it.

Well done.

This'll be another five minutes.

Oh, right. Well, in that case, I'll just see if I've got any messages, then.

Remote control.

Triggers my answering machine to play back any messages.

Well, that's not a very good idea.

Anybody can get hold of one of those things and listen in on your business.

There's lots of industrious spies around, you know.

They're individually coded. My phone only responds to this.

Yeah, it's working. Listen.

So you want the message and the time?

Well, the message is that there's no messages.

As for the time, it's party time here in Brenda's bedroom, where we're making

fluffy cheese crackers to hide under the bed.

Let's take the right side of the earpiece. I'll show you one I knitted

Do you like it?

I've got to go now, but first I'll introduce a few of the friends I happen

have in bed with me.

Oh,

Malcolm.

Followed by Pamela and daughter.

Hello, Malcolm.

That's a good night.

At least it's working anyway.

Actually, I'm surprised that living here hasn't affected even you, the peace and

the tranquillity. But I can go to school.

Well, then get a job.

I'm trying, aren't I? Well, you can still do things till you find something.

If you were married, you could join young wives.

That was a good reason for staying single.

Listen, Hannah, all this middle -class mincing doesn't fill me.

I remember you when you'd only used for a tree with something to hang on to on a

Saturday night.

Look, I'm not denying that in the past I was occasionally, well, just a little

bit sort of wayward.

Wayward? You and a riot?

When my mother sold you bad, you didn't notice for six weeks?

It was six days and I was on holiday with the Frodsham Ferret.

Life's a learning process, Brenda.

You need to be exposed to things.

Sydney may have been allowed, but going away on the continent with him was very

educational.

Yeah, I'm sure it was.

Well, that's your trouble, though, you see. You've never moved on.

Even Malcolm's a bit of an house stick in the mud.

You've got to go out and meet new people, entertain, go to restaurants and

circus and stuff. What, like you do?

Well, having children does restrict your abyss.

I know. Why not come round to ours this evening, you and Malcolm?

Well, for more of this, no thanks.

Don't be like that. It's my birthday.

Oh, you mean for the party?

Well, we could have a few drinks. We'll get Clive and Sally and an Andrew and...

and some record.

There'll be no need, thanks, Bren.

David will take care of the drinks and then there's the CD, of course.

So, actually, we don't bother with music much. It tends to stifle conversation.

Well, suit yourself.

What time?

Well, say eight -ish. Give us all a chance to get the kids to bed.

Cloud and Sally have got four.

Has everybody got a drink?

Yes.

Any chance of some music

in here?

I mean, it's not a lot of conversation to stifle, is it?

Perhaps a bit of background.

Doesn't look as if Andrew and Linda are going to make it.

Yes, but they're very active, aren't they?

I mean, he's chairman of the residence and she's a PG.

They've got to bring them by on Saturday. Will you be going?

Oh, definitely.

Well, one of us will.

Me.

Actually, Linda rang to say that they might be delayed.

Andrew had to take Jodie to casualty.

He twisted her ankle at ballet.

Typical. Once they reach that age, you're just never away.

One weekend, we had Robert stung by wasps at practice camp in our Kayla's

garden. Who's your Kayla?

Our Kayla, the cub leader.

That was on the Friday.

Then on the Saturday morning, Ian strained his groin at gymnastics.

You've got all this to come.

I don't do gymnastics.

And

how's

your Sarah?

Oh, a bit fretful. She's teething. Right.

Of course, she's not turned one yet, has she? Eleven months.

So it won't be molars.

they can give a lot of trouble.

But you have a few months to go before they erupt.

I should get some sleep in while I have a chance.

Have you two any progeny?

No, no, not me.

What about you, Mel?

I used to keep ancestors.

Yes, you are a jolly pair, aren't you?

But I think you'll find having little ones can take the edge off things in

respect.

And don't you worry.

It's never too late.

Who's worried?

Oh, no, no, no, we're not.

I mean, we do live under the same... Do they?

Oh, well, nobody minds these days, do they?

Oh, 8 .29, if you'll excuse me.

Change of watch.

All right, well, we'll see you later then, Clyde. Will you tell Sally I'm

ready to pour? I'll do that.

Bye for the present.

Exit stage right.

I'll leave the door.

Where's he gone?

Home. They'll take it in ten. Sally'll be in her now.

You can't be getting babysitters in all the time. At least not when it's a few

scoops with a folk next door.

Do you two do the same when you go round there?

That's right. Sort of staggered through the evening.

It's like old Saturdays, eh, Pam?

Her boyfriend, Malcolm.

Hello. Yes, I've heard about you two.

Clive said you're rather comical.

Sure, he didn't say they're a bit funny.

Yes, maybe that was it.

So, what is it, Sal?

White wine, please, for a change.

I'd guess.

Good soda? Oh, lots of soda and ice.

Thanks.

Red gives me a headache.

How's the tribe?

Oh, exhausting.

I think four is quite enough.

Maybe she'll go back on the red, then.

Oh, obviously.

Yes, well, cheers.

Cheers.

Oh,

I forgot to say, happy birthday.

Well, we're waiting.

Happy birthday.

Thanks, Sally.

Actually, I've got your present.

I thought I'd be a bit different.

Oh, well, you shouldn't.

Matchstick. Oh, that's different.

Oh, brilliant. Thanks, Sal.

We've got a rotary dinner next Saturday. Could use them then.

Fine. Are you going to set fire to it?

Remember, it's one and a half per hour on Saturdays.

Babysitting matches.

Are they reliable?

There's eight of us in the clothes.

And when we started, we got 30 matches each.

Now, when you babysit, you get one matchstick per hour.

One and a half Fridays and Saturdays. And double after midnight.

Gosh, you're wicked, no? And I could have bought you the whole box for

Christmas. Oh, no, these are special. They've been dipped in green ink.

Well, we could have bought you the ink as well, couldn't we?

That would be dishonest.

Oh, I see.

Blackmail, is it?

Well, if we give you half a box, will you promise not to split?

Hey, no, no, sir.

Brenda? Vodka, please.

Anything in it?

More vodka.

How's Pimmy?

Oh, into everything, you know.

Did I tell you he was almost talking?

I mean, he's got about 20 words, which is incredible for 15 months.

He didn't say a thing till he was one and a half. Then he wouldn't shut up.

Aren't you ever the same?

Two and a half, he was.

And then suddenly he just said, this milk's cold.

We were flabbergasted, weren't we, Pam? I don't remember.

Yes, you do.

And when we asked him why he hadn't said anything before, he said, well,

everything's been all right till now.

Talk to me about talking.

I know what we could play.

Oh, charades.

Oh, no, no, that's the one where you don't talk, isn't it?

The tape.

Oh, no, David, I don't think everyone wants to sit here listening to our

daughter gurgling on for three -quarters of an hour.

Well, that's true.

Well, just the first few minutes, eh?

That's it, I'm afraid.

Oh, shame. Come on then, Brenda, let's go.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it.

Oh, I can't say how much. Yeah, didn't think so. And you said any words.

Well, really, they weren't that many. She just sort of gives them a different

emphasis. Yeah, I started to notice that the second time round when you played

it for Clive.

Tell you what, why don't you two come round to our house tomorrow?

Well, I said I'd go to the bring -and -buy sale in the afternoon.

What, come in the morning?

The thing is, I've got a four ball out at Chilwell.

Well, I...

We'll introduce you to some of the fun things we do with our neighbours, won't

we, Malcolm?

Oh, sure thing, yeah. What do you mean? We'll be dead offended if you don't

come, won't we, Malcolm? Oh, we certainly will, yeah. Bye, then. Bye,

you.

Aren't they brilliant?

There's only one egg left.

Marvellous. It's great when you see them actually hatch.

Is it?

I'm pretty sure the last one will show inside the next six hours.

Six hours? We can't stay... Shh!

Stop wriggling, David.

I'm hot.

Don't worry. Ten more minutes and it's your turn to sit down.

Actually, I've got to go.

Somebody needs a drink.

You're not the only one.

I've only been here an hour. All right.

We'll go in for coffee, but quietly.

And if you're very, very good, I'll play you me LPs of Bird Course.

Have I fallen?

Is he drowsy? Is he shy?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out for a walk? Am I

dazzled by his style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.