Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

There's a bright golden age of the moon, a bright golden age of the moon,

there's none in the high laboratory,

but I see them slowly.

Oh no!

I think they'll be very happy.

Should be. Everything's going right for them at present.

Yeah. Mine will be good times and bad.

Yeah, well, yesterday was one of the good times.

Not half.

Nine, ten.

Is it? I thought it was later.

I wonder what they're doing now.

They're probably still in bed.

You think so?

Nerfing their bruises.

What a thing to say.

Your daddy rude.

Rude?

The big fella got to in the first ten minutes.

Got to what?

Tries. And a conversion.

Against that sort of opposition, he did well to score at all.

That's so cool.

Anyway, I think his mum will come round one day.

Whose mum?

Malcolm.

Don't say score like that.

Sarah doesn't know about the birds and the bees yet, do you, love?

I was talking about LFH and wasps.

Wakey, wakey. Get lost.

Hey, it's a lovely day.

Oh, ain't I here? I wasn't here till the other morning.

I'm on Sundays when I don't have to go to work. Roll on Monday.

I'm sure you will.

Cheeky.

Sleep well?

Not bad.

Made a few mistakes.

Yeah, it's a lovely day.

So you said.

Oh, so I draw the curtains?

If it makes you happy.

Something else for me list.

List? Job's about the house list.

Oh, God.

Right.

Shower control.

Tighten grub screw.

Replace if nest.

Right hand curtain end stop.

Replace and tighten.

Anything else?

Brain. Replace with adult model.

I'll leave you to get dressed.

No, you can't. I'm all exposed. Put the curtain back up. I'll do it later.

Oh, no.

Oh that poor boy.

Have a seat.

Don't just stand there, that is it.

I can't. You can't?

I haven't got a key.

Oh, you pillock. I thought you'd be in. There we are.

So?

Oh, there's a window open.

Oh, you're too big for that.

what they're doing right now.

Not again.

Do you remember our first day?

That little cottage near Leon.

Was I there?

Our honeymoon.

Oh, yes.

It rained.

For three days, and we didn't even notice.

It can be very absorbing. It can scrabble.

I think I'll give them a ring.

They'll be ridiculous.

She's my baby sister. I want to make sure she's OK.

Baby sister?

Brenda is not a baby.

And it's extremely unlikely that she ever was.

Man, you just don't understand.

Good morning.

Everything all right?

You're quite nice, yeah. You? Fine.

Nice off.

Yes.

Stanley. Hello,

Stanley.

You were exercising, right?

Yes. He's had a bit of a cold, so he didn't go to the match yesterday.

Oh, isn't that right?

Well, according to the papers, he missed a good game. Did he? Yes.

You were locked out.

No, no problem.

Well, not at all.

See, we were both, um, because of the milk.

I mean, we didn't order, but they don't sometimes, do they? So I'd gone to the

corner shop and I didn't tell her.

She must have come down and come out in the door.

Let me tease her a bit.

Just put it on my list.

List? Extra keys.

Morning. Morning.

Morning. Morning, Stanley.

How is he?

A lot better, thanks. Good.

Problem? Locked out.

Oh, well, uh... Pops, I could help.

Oh, no, no, it's OK. She's managing.

All right!

All right!

All

right!

Hello.

You took your time.

Pamela, what do you want?

Sorry, did I interrupt things?

What? Are you still in bed?

No, I'm on bed. Now, what do you want?

You sound muffled.

Well, I'm under a curtain.

Under a curtain?

Malcolm, pull them down.

What? Not one of them, anyway. Look what you want.

Why are you under the curtains?

I'm hiding from the Mad Axe Man. What do you think?

Oh, Brenda, do you want me to call the police?

They're already here.

Mounted as well.

What's wrong with her?

Pamela, what are you talking about?

Are you all right?

No, I'm not. Now, why did you ring?

Well, just for a chat. I wanted... if you were OK.

A chat. A chat. Pamela, I'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm bruised and I'm bleeding.

I mean, nice is ripped as shreds.

Ooh.

The last thing I want right now is a chat.

Malcolm, he's locked out. Goodbye.

The Beast?

Who?

She's locked him out.

Malcolm? He even tore down the curtains.

Sounds more fun than Scrabble.

Mrs Cartwright had a key all the time.

Count to ten, Brenda.

Peggy was always locking herself out.

Well, we'll know next time. Thanks very much. Bye. Bye.

One.

Two.

Three. You OK?

Yours was called Stanley.

He had a cold.

Five.

You go and get cleaned up.

I'll get breakfast.

Perhaps I should go over?

Leave them.

Pam, your sister can take care of herself.

She wanted to. She could eat Malcolm for breakfast.

And still have room for his motorbike and sidecar.

I'll ring.

Tomorrow.

Better now?

That's your old friend.

Yeah, I know. Don't worry. It's on my list.

They've sent for the cavalry.

What? Oh, you mean Stanley and his driver.

No, nobody sent for them. They were just passing.

The mounted division's based round here, and they were just exercising.

Anyway, here you are.

This will warm you up. What will they do?

Soup, it's all there is, I'm afraid.

Soup for breakfast?

Yeah, I know. I should have got some.

I'll make a list.

Another one?

Things to get list.

better, can't they?

Now, have you got a first aid tin on your list?

First aid tin? There's no need, there's one upstairs.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Do you?

You haven't been home for nearly a week.

I've been busy.

You could come for your lunch.

Would a five -minute walk take too much out of your day?

Bring sandwiches. Anyway, your house is not my home.

Malcolm, it always will be.

Peggy's lent a third place while she's staying with you. So for the moment, my

home's over in Exeter.

Mother, what are you doing?

Make them yourself, do you?

Sometimes.

It's...

Oh, yes.

Mother. What a shame.

Well, for today, at least you best come home for your lunch.

It's not my home.

Oh, there's some letters for you. They'll be coming all week.

You could readdress them.

Where to?

Peggy's.

Hardly worth it if you're coming home for lunch. It's not my home.

It's not funny, Pamela. That window's dead little.

But you've healed up now. I mean, I don't want to be seen walking around

Henry Lees with a battered wife.

I'm not a wife and nor am I battered, but you will be if you mention it again.

Why, Lee? I thought I'd buy you a present.

A present?

A new nightie.

I don't need a nightie. No, of course not.

Ham. All right, all right, forget Lee's. We'll just go to Kitchen Queen.

Where? It's this new place. One of the girls at Young Wives was telling me

they've got this fantastic display. Every type of fitted kitchen you can

imagine. And bedrooms, too.

Matching duvets and curtains that you can put on the bed and hide under.

Hamela.

All right, look, I'll meet you at Central Station at three o 'clock, all

Where's Peggy?

She goes to Senior Citizens Club Thursday with Alice Connolly.

They make a right pair.

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you go?

I have a home to run, don't I?

There's only the two of you, isn't there?

Malcolm, if the good Lord had meant us to play bingo in the afternoons, he

wouldn't have given the cyborgs to dust.

You'd probably enjoy it.

With Alice and Peggy? I should think not.

They're bad enough on their own, but together they're a disgrace.

Oh, yeah?

Anything specific?

I can't tell you.

But you will?

Well, you know that a few of them are high speed?

I've never been in. No, nor will they again.

They've been banned.

What for?

Language, that's what.

I'm laughing.

And, other thing, perfected but not proven.

Like what?

Like the addition of a small black moustache to a signed portrait of the

Oh, I must pop in to see that.

It's not funny, Malcolm.

Anyway, it's been removed.

What, the moustache or the portrait?

The graffiti.

Yeah, well, it couldn't have been Peggy, could it? Can't reach from a

wheelchair. Nobody saw her do it.

But back at the senior citizens when the bingo started, she was seen to untape

her felt -tipped pen from the end of her walking stick.

Great.

You think so?

No, I mean, it isn't great.

Oh, yes, well, I suppose it's a while since you had a decent meal.

We do very well, actually.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

All the same, if at any time after work you feel like a proper dinner, just call

round... I don't need a proper... I mean, I don't want to...

Look, Mother, I get what I want when I get in.

Do you just?

Yeah, with Brenda, together, you know. Well, provided I'm not working too late,

in which case she starts without me.

Yes, well, if ever you have to work in evenings, just let me know and I'll have

something ready for you here.

It's no worth you going all that way and back when I'm just round the corner.

That won't be necessary. I can always grab something from big jocks, can't I?

If you're working evenings, you need something substantial inside you.

Proper food with all its vitamins.

Not those cardboard burger things.

You'll not be doing much bike repairing if you're in bed with rickets.

This is really nice.

You know, maybe I do need a proper meal.

I mean, it would be... What about this evening?

Well, I'm not working late.

You can still eat here.

Thanks very much, but we've got to go. Oh, all right. Bring her as well if you

want. No, no.

See, we're going round to Pam's for the evening.

They're meeting in town this afternoon.

Who? Pam and Brenda.

I mean, you know, girls love mooching round shops, don't they?

Brenda, just look at this.

It's a sink. A quality melanin giving a lacquered woodgrain effect.

It's a sink with cupboards under it.

High -impact polycarbonate or bliss.

Available in mustard yellow, salad green and chocolate.

when you run the hot water.

Oh, isn't it gorgeous?

And a matching corner carousel.

Pamela, you've already got a sink and cupboards. Why are you looking at these?

I'd like a new kitchen.

And where are you going to put it? In the shed?

We might get a stending at the back.

A new kitchen would be twice as big. I'd need new units and I'd love a fan of

the big oven.

Does that mean somebody'd chase it on?

Do you realise our microwave isn't even integral?

Oh, well, Japanese ones are just as good.

You can stop.

Just wait till you're settled in your own place. Then you'll be wanting

Nice things.

Not me.

You have enough unfitted muesli mashes and programmable pedal bins.

You forget I've already done time in your place, on Malcolm's mother, and now

another semi -detached syrup tin.

Just look at this hub.

Might as well. It'll take as much notice of me as you do.

Now, that's something I'm not sure about. Halogen plates.

How can feet have bad breath?

I'm thinking, let's get out of here.

In a minute.

Brenda. What?

No, I said we might be extending.

So? We might be going up as well.

Oh, you mean you're getting the gap opened?

I'm up there.

You see, it's no good talking to you.

Can we go?

All right.

If I get off a stop early, will you go and look there and I'll give you the

Why are we together?

I've got to pick something up with the doctors.

Is she beautiful?

I'll look after myself.

Where did you get some from her?

She's got me grandad's hair.

Brenda? What?

Do you think if we had kids, they'd look like Sarah?

Don't know.

Suppose it depends on which adoption agency you went to.

I mean, if you went to one in Peru, it's not likely, is it?

Brenda... Forget it, Stoneway. There's only one thing I like less than sleeping

every night in Legoland, and that's being kept awake every night in

Hi. Hi.

Oh, how's my little precious?

Don't say it.

I was just laughing the bus stop and I got off the bus.

He gave me a lift.

Well, I'm amazing.

Not that funny.

I'll start on the meal.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, I saw it on Tomorrow's World. Dead ingenious, it was.

You see, you know how you're often left with, like, a part bottle of wine? He's

not.

Well, see, they've devised this special cork that has an inlet valve inside it.

And then there's a long, thin tube attached to the cork. And on the other

the tube is, like, this special bong that's especially shaped to fit the

nozzle of your average vacuum cleaner.

Boring. Yeah, yeah. And all the wine is keeping really good because all the

air's extracted out of it, you see. Sounds to me like a recipe for getting

vacuum cleaner slopping with Cabernet Sauvignon.

Wasn't that funny?

What a thing to do to a blue knot.

Oh, I don't think they're out yet.

Make us one, then.

Put it on your list.

List? He makes lists.

You know, things to do lists. You do?

Yeah. Who do I?

Oh, God.

Well, it's a great idea. Otherwise, you forget things.

Yes. Yes, and if you put it on your list, you can do jobs in most efficient

order, can't you?

Yeah. See, I remember when my mum was going away for the weekend and she asked

me to get the case out of the loft and I put it on the list. On the same list

was check the central heating head of time. Did the two jobs at the same time.

So you're getting that loft letter out twice.

Wow. Well, it was.

Tell me, do you like ticking things off?

Yeah. And do you sometimes do something that's not on your list? And then put it

on the bottom so you can... Tick it off!

Catch me the Mogadon.

If we made a list of the most boring people in the world, who do you think

come first?

Well, I'll be starting on a new list soon.

Things to get for the new baby.

Which you in December?

Both of you.

of the surgery.

It's exciting, isn't it? If you say so.

New baby!

You're pregnant?

Yes, well, you see, that's how most couples get to have new babies.

Oh, well, congratulations.

That's great.

She soon will be.

Pregnant? Yeah.

Hey, is it the same, um, is it like last time? Is it the same, um... Father.

Feeling.

So far.

But you can't...

I think it'd be a boy or a girl.

Probably. Chances of a kangaroo are pretty remote.

I think a boy, cos then they'd have a nice family unit.

Yeah, nauseating, isn't it?

Only in the mornings.

Eh? Morning sickness, get it? No, and I never will.

Just a joke.

Two things.

One... Don't explain jokes.

And two, in your case, don't make them.

OK. And don't be so agreeable. Right.

Oh, I'm going to bed.

Yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah.

What are you thinking about?

Oh, Pam and David.

I think it'd be nice if it was a little girl. Those two daughters would be nice,

wouldn't it?

Mark. What?

Let's have a look at that list.

Things to do, yeah, why?

I'm just a bit worried about what might be on it.

For who?

For lots of relief.

Oh! Oh, I see.

Well, I'd better put that down straight away, then.

I'll press it off the first thing tomorrow morning.

bismillah