Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one to Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the wedding should be what does it.

Good morning. Malcolm Stoneway Motorcycle Repairs. Vintage Machines of

Speciality. Malcolm speaking.

How can I help you?

All right. Look, David, if you've rung to say you're staying longer, I'm afraid

you're not on.

Unless you've got someone in mind who can take her. Because my mother reckons

she's a bitter finger. I know daughters don't really... We're home.

But I believe some can give quite a strong suck.

Home? Got back late last night.

Actually, I was ringing to ask if it's OK for me to pick up Tanya.

Yeah, sure.

When? Now.

Now?

Er, all right, I'll take an early lunch.

Did you have a good time, then?

Excellent. Pam's a touch upset this morning. Lots of washing to do after the

weekend, and the machine's being a bit temperamental.

Oh, no!

Oz!

Oswald! What?

Come here and give his hand!

I'm busy!

Oswald, come here!

What are you messing at now?

I was trying to put this bulb in and my chair's knocked over.

Have you put new on it? No.

I'll come back when you have.

Oh!

You're late.

Well, don't just stand there. Get hold of me legs.

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

Stage face in a King Kong.

Legs.

You doing anything on Saturday?

Yeah, loads. Why?

Thought you might like to buy a ticket.

What, to go out with you on your bike?

All right, all right. What's it for?

I don't know. I bring them by.

For what?

Lifeboat service.

Ah, sorry, I use a bus.

It's a good cause.

Well, I've no money to buy and not to bring.

Hang on, I could do you a 13 stone of greasy idle slob. Have you done it?

Yeah.

Well, give us the old one. I'll take it back to the shop and say it didn't work.

I'll not bother.

What about this delivery?

Well, you two bring it through. I'm stock -taking.

Skiver.

Right.

Tanya?

Carriage.

Fox?

Car.

OK.

Fine.

Coffee. Great.

Bye.

I think they're probably spies, not us.

It's a big order for its place. Business locking up? Yeah, thanks to me.

Cleaned the place up from the start.

And Oswald?

I'll book the roof this afternoon with the car wash.

New menus?

Yeah, same food, just different menus.

Got them as a job loft in that posh place on the Hoylake Road.

They were changing theirs.

Cocked in the van?

No, it's the truth.

Is that the loft then? Yeah. Where do we sign?

You sure you don't want to buy a ticket?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Why don't you try, Oswald? He's a caring, generous, compassionate sort of

Os! What do you want?

Come here, is it?

What is it?

Haven't you finished bringing that stuff through yet?

Oh!

Oh, yes.

We used to go to the make district a lot when Malcolm's father was alive.

Been before, have you? Years ago.

I was fond of climbing.

Just like Malcolm.

Me? Yes.

Remember that time at Ambleside when you fell off that dry stone wall?

What a tinker he was.

You didn't do any climbing this time, then? No.

Not even the dry stone wall.

Had a sail, though. Friend has a boat on Derwentwater.

Malcolm's done a lot of sailing.

Model boats on the Park Lake.

With Leonard.

My friend had a dinghy at West Kirby. I used to crew for him. Of course,

Leonard's got a yacht now.

Kill these 24.

It's moored out there, actually.

Len lives in Gaten, so I keep an eye on it for him.

Tidal out once a week at low water, check she's OK, pump out the bilges,

sort of thing. Sounds fun.

Randy Pandy.

Randy Pandy, that's the name of the boat.

And you sail Randy?

With Leonard.

Not so much recently. Not since Randy Mandy came on the team.

So, you're not at work today, then?

Tomorrow. Pat will ring if anything crops up. She manages extremely well.

Look at you. When I stop, everything stops.

Well, it's your own fault.

I've told him, Mr Lynch, he'll not be a proper businessman unless he can

delegate.

He's sacked that nice young Christopher, so now we're back to square one.

He was useless.

I heard. Then he should get somebody else. Oh, tell him, Mr Lynch.

David? David who?

Oh!

Well, do tell him, David.

I'll leave you to it. Thank you.

It is true, Malcolm.

It's very specialised work. I can't afford to pay a qualified mechanic.

You don't have to. Employ an irk.

An irk? Yes, you can always find a use for low -grade labour, which then frees

you to be more productive.

That's the way I operate.

Oh, by the way, the reason I came... Well, no, I did come to pick up the

tortoise. But I did just wonder if you could pop round to our house and take a

look at our washing machine.

Well, I've got nothing.

You can have your lunch first.

Yes, it'll be similar to the job we did for Braithwaite.

How much did we charge then?

400.

Right, well, Pat, ring him back and say, we've costed it at 500, but as he's a

special customer, we'll do it for 450.

Right? OK. Bye.

How's it going, Malcolm?

Oh, there's a blockage somewhere.

Seems to have got past the impeller and into the elbow with a pump casting.

Marvellous. I do admire you.

Me? Find anyone with a...

Practical flair. I mean, I'm happy with a liquidity statement and a balance

sheet, but show me a nut and bolt and I wouldn't know which end to put the

screwdriver.

Pete? Uh, Pete, yeah.

You and Pam OK again now?

Fine. Last weekend was like a second honeymoon.

Where is she?

She's at the clinic.

Flair is due for a triple.

Triple? Inoculation.

Diphtheria, whooping cough and tetanus.

What about you?

Oh, I had an anti -tet last June. I stood up the garden talking with her.

You and Brenda.

Oh, oh, we're fine.

Just fine.

Well, good.

Good.

Very good.

You don't feel the urge to move things along a bit?

The urge to... Oh, you mean like your second, only a first?

Well, no, I hadn't actually thought.

I do feel the, uh, now and again.

But then I think, well, you know.

Don't leave it too long.

Tea's here. No.

No, I won't. I mean, when I decide to, well, I will.

It's just that there's no knowing whether he feels the... whether he wants

has the urge to... Got it.

What, the urge?

Oh.

50p. Oh, brilliant. Well done, Malcolm.

You'll be able to have the whole thing boxed off before Pam gets back.

I'm just ringing Lawrence about Sunday's foreball. Well, that'll take me... No,

you keep that for your trouble.

Lawrence.

Hiya. Hiya. Do you want tea?

Please.

You want China, Darjeeling or Earl Grey?

Earl Grey, please.

They're all in here, actually.

Do you want milk or lemon?

Lemon.

Hey, while I remember, next Saturday.

How can you remember next Saturday?

Pam and David wanted us to babysit. Are you OK?

Can be.

Two o 'clock, they have a wedding.

There's some rice.

It could be fun.

There's nothing funny about a wedding.

Not for us.

House to ourselves.

We could... What?

You know.

How fun.

Yeah. I suppose we could play hide the baby.

I mean, once Sarah's asleep, we can relax a bit, talk about things, about if

want to move on.

Well, we can't until Pam and David get back.

No, I mean, in the short, long term...

Sooner than later. I mean, if we are, then OK. And if we're not, then... OK.

Yeah, provided we both feel good.

Hey, what's going on?

London.

It's a man from the vasectomy clinic.

This is... Why are you serving?

Well, you only pay me till four. It's 20 past.

Not quite. You should be more flexible.

Biscuit.

Digestive. I'll bring them over.

Saw an arctic school out on the sands this morning.

Hey, I need one of those. for me lift?

Twitcher. Fairer.

Biscuits? They're broken.

So there is.

I'll be waiting.

Tomorrow. Remember.

Wait it, I'll bring it over.

Don't look now, Mother, but it's that spy again.

Hey, do you think it would still be there?

It's good.

Could be.

When are you next due? I was on Leonard's boat.

Tomorrow. Let's go tonight.

I could do. Why? We could use it as a hide.

It'll be soft.

It's possible, I suppose.

We'd have to go now, though. She'll be dry an hour earlier today.

Come on, Nat.

OK. They must be organising the drop.

Are you sure it was an accident?

Definitely. He was chasing some goals and making them disgorge the food.

Oi! Oh, I'd like that if you don't pay.

Right.

Yep.

That's it.

This 50p's bent.

It's all right. It's been in the washer just designing.

I don't know why you couldn't wait till after dinner.

We won't be long.

Hey, why don't you come with us, Marge? I've things to do.

You could walk on ahead and she'll have the quicksand.

Of course she'll love me, dear.

She loves me, really.

Mail's 1892.

Oh, hello, Peggy.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

How long were you stuck there?

Half an hour?

Well, I'll just have to come over.

Quick, before we get ropey.

Look, Peggy, I know you want to be independent, but it's not working, is

What's that for?

You'll see.

Look, I'll put a few things into a suitcase and I'll catch the five, six,

twenty. There's a casserole in the oven for Malcolm and Bread.

Oh.

Well, it can't be helped.

They had the leeches, Pet, on the cross at Seaforth last week.

We should have gone, shouldn't we?

Mega.

All right, so it's not your thing?

I'm into birdwatching, not this twitching business.

Chasing all over the place with lists and CB radios. One quick look, a tick,

then off again.

Well, you've got to lighten things up a bit, otherwise it's boring.

Like Mel's.

Have you seen a paper? Mel's won again.

Won what?

Dump of the month competition.

Seven and low, which means it qualifies as yawn of the year. Here we go. Even

beat Birmingham.

500 quid, first prize.

Trouble is, you can't find anyone who can stay awake long enough to collect

Not helping.

Leave your wellies on the mat.

I didn't know you were a religious man.

Come round to this stern, I'll help you.

That's the back to you.

Hello, Mr Lynch. David, you shouldn't come to the back door.

Is Malcolm in?

No, I'm afraid not. He's just gone out to the yacht.

Can I help?

Well, he did a little plumbing job for us this afternoon and he left this. I

just going to leave it in the garage. I thought he might need it tomorrow. Oh,

mind like a sev.

Please, put it there.

Right. And do come through.

Anyway, it's working fine.

Oh, good.

Pam filled it three times this afternoon.

Did she?

Oh, she'll feel a lot better.

It was awful this morning when she flooded the kitchen.

How upset.

Right. She just ran upstairs and I was left to mop up.

Anyway, please thank Malcolm for me and tell him I owe him one.

Owe him one?

A favour for fixing our washing machine.

What? Oh!

He's very clever.

Yes, he's always been quite dexterous with his hands.

I wish I was.

Oh, but you have other talents.

You're more mental.

Anyway, must go. Of course, you're a busy man.

Well, not so much these days.

This evening, it's feet up in front of the box.

Is it? Well, that's coincidental.

Look, I wonder if it... Oh, one hesitates to ask. But as he did insist

owed one one, perhaps you wouldn't mind.

You see, my sister's husband's gone extramarital with a choir mistress.

And she has great difficulty with her arthritis.

The choir mistress?

No, my sister.

I mean, it's been going on for a while.

But like I said, if he's been jogging as much as he claims, there'll be a three

-foot trench round Sefton Park.

Anyway, now he's jogged off.

And she's trying to cope on her own.

But there's a grid right next to her dustbin. And this afternoon she was

an hour with a left wheel stuck in it so i said i'd go across and stay till

things get sorted but then it dawned it did what i'm going to leave here a time

bomb that's what but if she's on the northern line it means changing levels

central which is no good with a wheelchair well you'll understand being

married man i can't say i do actually and you have a car

Say anything?

Sure, I'm not speaking to you.

Do you have a jumper back there?

Just done with an oyster catcher.

I'm sorry.

Did you do it on purpose?

Of course not.

I would have.

I suppose we should be getting back.

Catch her off.

He'd lose himself.

He'll keep it.

She's gone to Peggy's.

Should still be getting back.

I suppose we should.

Hey, Mark, what's in there?

Oh, nothing. That's where the sales are kept. Once the season's over, he keeps

them at home.

What are you thinking?

Er, just wondering.

About?

The future.

Brenda. What?

Where do you think we'll be in ten years' time?

I'm still here, isn't this right?

It's all right, Mark. I don't know what's happening in the next ten

Never mind, can you?

Right.

Fran?

What?

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that I'm cold and I'm wet, and if I was here with anyone other than

the Mel's mackerel, something might have happened by now.

That sort of thing, yeah.

Year by year.

I'm pacing myself.

Roll on 2 ,000.

Okay, they're not lip shows, though. It should be done.

Okay. This is my vampire special.

Wow, I didn't know it was that good.

It's fine.

Have you forgotten my special?

No, it's Tuesday.

Where are we?

Same place, but the tide comes in an hour earlier each day, and I was

thinking... Stop!

It turns in a couple of hours.

Oh, we'll have to swim for it.

No way, the current's treacherous round here.

Well, it's a sailboat, isn't it?

Leonard's.

Oh, look, I'm cold and I'm hungry. You and in a minute I'm going to be

I'm feeling hungry.

No jokes, Stoneway.

You'll forget my day. It has put my life in danger.

If we drown, our Pam will kill you.

No danger. We're safe enough here at anchor. And once the tide goes out, what

will we do? Where will that be?

How did that get there?

We'll be all right in that morning now.

Thanks very much.

Oh. Now don't you wish you'd bought the ticket?

See you tomorrow.

Ta -ra, delivery man.

Ta -ra, King Kong.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Excuse me, sir.

I think they must be British spies, Mother.

They've obviously made a mess of things.

What would you like?

A coffee or Ovaltine?

I know what I need.

What? A new pair of wellies.

Right.

Now, where were we?

When? Before the tide came in.

Have you ever been cut off before?

No. I've always been very careful.

Mother, I thought you'd gone to Peggy's. I've been.

Oh.

How is she?

Asleep, in your bed.

How did you... David took me across to collect her. He said he owed you one.

Looks like you owe him one now, Mark.

So what sort of time do you call it?

Injury time.

The catarole's ruined.

And what are you doing wearing his sweater?

What?

Good heavens!

I suppose that's what comes of getting dressed in the dark.

Brenda, sure.

Do you know, we got cut off, you see, and Brenda tried to pull herself aboard

using the anchor, but she couldn't, so she came round to the stern when I

started to pump. So I gave her mine while hers was drying, and then the tide

came in, you can guess what happened.

Can I?

Yeah. Well, no.

Well, nothing happened. We just drifted, and the maroon went up, and the

lifeboat came out, and they brought us back up the slip, because we couldn't

walk, because Brenda had lost her, um, and I'd lost mine.

It's probably our plan, doesn't it, by now? Night, Mal.

Night.

Nothing happened.

Good night, Malcolm.

Nothing ever happens.