Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Morning. Is it?

What do you call that?

Hello.

I sometimes wonder what young girls do in school these days.

Don't think Brett's last name's on the curriculum, Mother.

Then it ought to be.

Broken.

Have you got it switched on at the wall?

No.

It's taken years off my life.

What is? Having her here. Just look at this mess.

All right, all right. I'll do it.

Have you seen the living room?

I think it's through there somewhere.

Yes, that's all we get these days, isn't it? Just silly remarks.

We know whose influence that is.

We got in too late last night to do it. Three o 'clock.

What? You arrived to this house at 3am.

It was another hour before you came up.

We tiptoed. Tried not to wake you. I know.

You know?

Hold on, did you... You did, didn't you? You looked in my room afterwards.

You were checking up. You just wanted to see if Brenda was in my room. No, I

didn't. Well, why then?

I wanted to see if you were in your room.

Not that I'm a grown man.

Then start acting like one. Wash those dishes.

Wait a minute.

Go on, have it. It smells a bit funny.

Well, it would smell. It's been out all night.

Just like me grandad.

Morning, Beth.

Hiya. Look at the mess this kitchen's in.

Don't blame me, Marge. I've only just got up.

Stop your sleep if some idiot hasn't switched the radio on.

You should clear off after you. Quite right, Marge, but they're all the same,

aren't they?

Right, well, you can do in here and I'll square up next door.

And hurry up, there's supposed to be an early start.

Yes, Master.

Where are you going?

Oh, across to Clwyd, Fantriffid. He's taken me to the woods.

That's no good. She's bound to find her way out again.

What would you say if I said I could see a cuckoo near the top of that beach

tree?

I'd say there was one standing next to me.

Well, what is it, then?

A wood pigeon, probably.

Or a feral.

All the cuckoos are on holiday in Africa right now.

More sense than us. I'm freezing.

Come inside, then. This will warm you up.

Is that better?

It's better. You can't see any birds.

Oh, hang on. Try a flycatcher.

Stop it.

Hello, Malcolm.

Hello, Brenda.

When your face came out then, you know what you reminded me of?

What?

Tortoise.

It's all right. It's all right.

Come here.

Did the earth move for you, too?

I couldn't say.

It moved for rabbits or pigeons.

Or us.

Oh, come on, I don't like whales.

Just take the chips.

Come on, I'm serious.

Maybe you've got the place to kiss here on Sundays.

You might get back to your bike and find the sidecar's been burnt out.

Shush. What?

There's something over here.

Well, I'm staying over here.

Oh, come and see.

Oh, what's up with it?

It's hurt.

Well, what can we do?

It's his wing.

I've got my first aid kit in the sidecar. We can strap it up.

It's best wrapping in your jumper.

Why mine?

I can't use mine. It might get frightened and make a mess.

I don't think it's too bad.

The shot's just peppered his side.

We could do with a box for him.

Yeah, we'll stop off somewhere on the way home.

Who's this?

Have you been in this wood?

Yeah, why?

Then you've been trespassing.

And you've been murdering.

What have you got there?

A load of pigeon.

And if you come any closer, you'll get both barrels.

What do you want?

Have you got something for this? It's been peppered.

Give me 20 minutes, I'll do it with chips and mushy cream.

You mean a box?

What?

Have you got a cardboard box?

Is it on the menu?

We haven't got one.

Will you be wanting tea or anything?

Yes, all right. Now can we have the box? Take it.

Two teas?

Anything else?

No. Good.

I'll bring them over. Thought you might.

Hey, what about Beethoven?

No, that only goes back as far as Kaji Guggen.

No, I mean the cat. We can't have a pigeon at home.

Well, we'll keep them apart.

I think my mother wouldn't like it.

Well, tell her it's a long -lost relative.

Do you like milk?

In tea, yes, please.

Hold on. You've run out of milk, haven't you?

No.

I've run out of tea.

The nasty man fires bang -bang at you.

Well, never mind. You have a rest. I'll take you to see Mrs Scott first thing

tomorrow.

Good morning.

But why us?

Well, because of the cat and Malcolm's mother.

Neither of them like pigeons.

Well, I'm sorry, Brenda, but we can't possibly take on another animal.

Oh, well, it'll be less trouble than Sarah.

I was referring to Tanya.

Who's she?

Well, I got her from a friend for David. It said in this magazine, executive

homemaker.

But they do eat the farmer's crops.

What do you expect them to do, grow their own?

Talk of economic realities, Malcolm.

Living close to the country, as we now do, gives one an awareness of the

primeval conflict between man and nature.

What, and Haswell?

Haswell?

At the Rotary Club, we've got two farmers and a tree surgeon.

How do you do that?

Look, if folk work hard against the element, it's hardly surprising that

not too kindly disposed to those who live off the fruits of their efforts.

Oh, hi, Brenda.

You getting at me?

Well, David thinks our pigeon's a lame duck.

Come on.

Just don't say anything.

Look, it's not just because of Tanya. We're going away for a few days

Forget it. We'll cope, won't we, Mal? Too right we can't.

Come on.

We'll be wondering if you'd look out.

It's all right, I've found him.

Come on, Beethoven.

He's hiding under the bed.

Poor

little

fella.

Why, he doesn't seem too upset.

Well, we'll see what the vet says tomorrow.

I'll fix this box up on a shelf in the garage.

Oh, it's freezing out there. Can't he stay in my wardrobe?

Oh, great. What happens when we go out and a little fat friend comes sniffing

round? Well, she only vacuums in here once a week.

I meant Beethoven.

Oh, him.

Well, and her as well, I suppose.

No, it'll have to be the garage.

I'll fix this up on a shelf.

I need to tell you a story.

Thank you so much for the lift, Mrs Lloyd -Roberts. Please, take a seat.

Sorry about the mess.

We were slack... Someone staying with us just for a little while. Don't worry,

Mrs Stoneway. I just wanted a quick word, entre nous.

Oh, oui, then.

Alice Connolly. Yes?

She's up for chairperson this year, and, well...

You don't mind my being frank, do you?

Oh, no, please be.

I don't think it's a good choice.

You don't? No.

Let me put it this way. If you were to stand, you could count on my support.

Oh.

Oh, that's very gratifying.

Well, you think Alice is too... I'd sooner not say.

It's just the word, has it? Her husband once kept...

Now, this is just a rumour, so please don't repeat it.

Discretion's my non -central, Mrs Lloyd -Robbins.

Ferrets. I beg your pardon?

Oh, I see, her Albert kept ferrets.

Mum's the word.

Hello, Mum.

Mrs Lloyd -Robbins. Hello, Malcolm.

I thought you were out.

Yes, we got back earlier than expected, so we found... found it a bit cold.

Where's our guest?

Upstairs, I hope, I think. I'll just check.

No answer that, would you, Malcolm?

I'll just put the kettle on.

Phone. Excuse me.

Mel's 1892.

Oh, hello, Aunty Peggy.

Oh, Mum's just... Harry?

Oh, no.

I heard voices.

Just a minute. No, not you, Peggy, no.

I thought Marge the Barge was back.

Look, I'll ring you back. I'll have to go. Bye.

Your guest?

Brenda, this is Mrs Lloyd -Roberts.

How do you do?

OK, Ty, how's yourself?

Fine, thank you.

And Clarice?

You know my daughter.

No, Malcolm's told me about her. Is she still riding?

Not at present.

Drained fetlock.

Oh, I see.

We'll need another cup.

No, it's all right. I'm just going through.

Yeah, you'd think he'd be really busy in here. It's in a good spot.

He's got a bull Oswald, isn't he?

Surprised he's not encouraging people to eat at home. He'd walk them.

How can he afford you, then?

He can't even afford him.

He's been told it's because of his attitude.

Of course, he doesn't believe him. To prove people wrong, he's taken me on to

attract customers.

That's funny.

Oh, nothing.

So what are you going to do, then?

Well, we need new menus for a start.

I'll tell you what, we'll stop off at that cock -o -van place on the way back,

see if we can get some ideas.

The whole place needs a good clear out.

Starting with these.

I'll take pirate with empty.

And ending with him.

What was that?

He's taken both peas.

And I've drip -dried the tea bags ready for tomorrow.

Have a seat. Thank you.

We just wanted a word with them before we left.

Malcolm's usually home by now.

And Brenda?

Haven't seen her all day. She was up and out very early. I wondered if her watch

was faulty.

We're going away for a few days. We just thought we'd let them know.

Oh, I could give a message.

Yes, thank you.

Right.

We'll wait here a little while, if that's all right.

Just so we can say cheerio.

As you wish.

Your daughter's all right, is she? Oh, yes.

She's on the back seat of the car.

Oh, she's wide awake.

I saw your photograph the other week in the Cheshire Life.

Oh, the Guild Committee.

Actually, there's a possibility that I might be the next chairperson.

Strictly on to know. Oh, Trey Barnes.

I invited a certain party, except that a pigeon in the lounge was a random

caller and not a returning racer.

Will you keep it in sight?

Certainly not.

It's supposed to be convalescing in the garage.

But some people seem incapable of closing doors after them.

It invades my kitchen using Beethoven's cat flap.

This morning it demolished half a caraway cake. It walked all over my

Albert dinner service.

I can't tell you what it did in the gravy boat.

That's a nice teapot.

For every day. That's not the Royal Albert. No, of course not.

I'll just go and check up on Sarah.

Are you going far, Mr Lynch?

Kedwick. Well, just outside, a little get -out.

Oh, I love the Lake District.

The rain's so clean.

Oh, well, where have you been?

Ask me where I've been.

Oh, don't mess.

All right.

Guess which one of us two's got a job besides Malcolm?

Oh, that's great, Brenda. In a campus area.

senior waitress. There's only one.

Shut up.

Congratulations.

You will take her, won't you?

Who?

Oh, no. Just a couple of days. You wouldn't have our pigeon.

Well, that was different.

Anyway, Marge, you'll go mad.

Oh, you could hide her somewhere in a box.

What does she eat?

Oh,

please, Bran.

Malcolm, Tanya's no trouble, honestly.

She bought it for David.

She said an executive homemaker that there's less risk of heart disease if

you've got a pet.

Can you talk?

Only a punty, pretentious pill I could think up a name like that.

You're probably right.

I'm pleased, then.

Would you like to ask Malcolm?

Oh, no. Couldn't possibly.

All right, yeah.

I saw the trouble we got with the pigeon and Beethoven leaving home and Mrs

Lloyd -Roberts thinking I raced him. Why not? They raced him. Just couldn't go.

That's better.

It's a bit cold. I don't want to hire Satan again.

Just for now.

I always feel the tea tastes of that soup song better.

No, I'm sure you're right.

I've just been in the family now for two generations.

I was with her today.

All right, all right. I feel all right, Bert.

Come here.

And if I catch you smoking back there once more, I'll put you in an intimate

contact with your bacon slicer.

Hey, I'm supposed to be the boss, you know.

Well, take the gentleman's money.

280. Have you not got right money?

No, I haven't.

You'll be wanting change, I suppose.

Oh, yeah, please.

No consideration.

Right, that's two pots of julienne, followed by one croquette of fromage and

earth effect upon fruit.

All right, hos, that's two cheeses, one cheese on toast and an egg and chips.

Excuse me.

It's time now, it's time.

Oh, the cabaret.

That's Oswald's auntie Maureen. She's off this week with a bad chest.

Sorry. Yes, as you see. I mean, 40 a day is a bit much.

Two pottages, Julian.

I haven't got an auntie Maureen.

Shut up, it's good for people. Well, they'll be expecting us. No, never mind.

Next week we'll think of something else.

Tell them she's in bed with shingles.

Shingles? No, Fred Shingles, who used to have that fish stall on Bailey.

What's ragout de bouillette?

Ragu de beurre. It's a delicate stew of best beef, diced potatoes and selected

root vegetables.

Oh.

OK. Do you want two?

Yeah, fine.

Is that all?

What now?

Give her two plates of scouts, will you?

Right, little fella. Good luck now.

You keep waiting that farmer.

Look, I really am sorry.

It was only while they were away.

They're due back tonight and they'll be coming round to collect it.

Nothing but trouble since the day he met you.

I ain't, Marge. I do me best.

I've tied it up everywhere.

But I'm a working woman now, you know.

Turned a decent civilised home into Noah's Ark.

Furniture polish and cut flowers.

That's all this place ever smelt of. Now it's like Chester Zoo.

Your mum found Tanya.

It attacked me.

Tortoises don't bite.

Oh, that's all I need. Now my son's calling me a liar.

She must have just caught it on something.

No, she didn't. We can just get rid of the whole menagerie. I can't cope with

them and Peggy.

Peggy? She phoned this afternoon. She wanted to come and stay for a few days.

Did you explain the difficulties?

She took the call. I was lying down.

Well, she's got enough problems now, Bernard, to run off.

I didn't want to answer them further by telling her sister had been savaged by a

tortoise.

Oh, well, we've managed before. We'll manage again.

Oh, very philosophical.

What about our other guest?

Well, Tanya goes back tonight, and I've just taken the pigeon back to his wood.

And? And?

Brenda stays.

Hello? It's my sister.

Hiya, Pam.

Yeah, it's quite nice here as well.

No, you can't.

You've booked.

Oh, no, you can't.

We're going to stay a few more days.

You just can't get rid of animals that easy.

Bye.