Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call it right.

There's no one to miss the right.

So what do I see in it?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does it...

Promise me that all you say is true.

That's all I ask of you.

Hey!

Sorry.

Mark? Yeah?

I thought it was you.

Brian, do us a favour.

Now, you'll have to learn to dry yourself sometime.

Get us some more shampoo, will you? It's in the kitchen.

OK. Don't go away.

That's all I ask of you.

Let me be your shelter.

Oh, let me be your light.

That's very good of you, Marge.

Shampoo. Cupboard.

Morning.

Good morning.

Not that.

Shampoo. It's the carpet.

Where did you get those slippers?

The wardrobe.

Wishing you were somehow here again.

Wishing you were somehow here.

All right, all right, I'm here.

Prude. Did you get the shampoo?

Yeah, it's out here.

I've got this.

One of the chaps at Rotary was saying you'll sponsor me for Royal Liverpool.

Coffee's cold.

Need to get the handicap down a bit first, though.

Came back in 45 yesterday.

Which wasn't bad, considering the weather.

And I'll be late again Wednesday.

Interclub due out at Birkdale.

Is my squash gear clean?

If Jim McGovern rings and asks about a ladder game... Could you tell him I

haven't got a window before next Tuesday?

Have we got any fresh coffee?

Brenda!

Go away, I'm not decent.

Don't mess, I've got to go to work.

Brenda. What?

Let me in.

Malcolm, control yourself.

I'm cold.

Malcolm, breakfast!

Yeah, all right. I'll be down in a minute, yeah.

Ah, Brenda!

Brenda.

What's going on?

Malcolm, are you in there?

are you doing in here?

Uh, Brenda asked me to get her something.

What?

What? What did she ask you to get?

Uh, a pillow.

A pillow?

Yeah. What do you want a pillow for?

She didn't say.

Well, she can't have one. Not in the bathroom.

Right.

So?

I'll tell her.

You can't have a pillow in there. It'd be ruined if it got wet.

They're a feather, you know.

if I was you, their feather, you know.

Hold it like that and you're liable to tickle yourself to death.

Pam?

Pam, there's no towel in here.

Pam, darling, you haven't put a towel in a... Thank you.

Right, right, right, I'll tell him.

Yeah.

When are you coming late? Did you tell yourself off?

That was Christopher.

He'll be along about 11 and he says he should start without him.

Another comedian.

Well, I'll be carrying on without him as well.

Are you going to sack him? Surely not.

He's useless.

And other things.

We all have to learn.

Anyway, I have beds to make.

Didn't even try.

I'm dead.

Oh, great. And you enjoyed it, did you?

Oh, come on, Mark. He's OK, really.

I didn't get a concert ticket.

But you don't know him. You think making a pass at you is something new?

He's got a whole harem, that fella.

Oh, do you know?

Well, cos he never talked about anything else.

There's Debbie, who works at Boots, and Samantha, the trainee hairdresser. And,

once he's been out with them, they grade you on a scale from one to ten.

About one and a half, I should think.

Morning, Pat.

Morning, David.

Very nice.

Don't you start.

I've had enough of fragile females for one day.

Pam. And Sarah.

I think she's sickening to something.

Pam had to get up to her at least four times during the night, that I can

remember. Don't you take a turn.

Right, what have we got today?

We've just got report to finish this morning.

Oh, yeah. 12 .30, lunch at the Adelphi with a chap from Fairplay Golf

Yes. At three o 'clock, Miss Palmer from Laundry by Louise will be here to

discuss presentation.

Oh, yeah.

You have a squash game at 4 .30, and after that you're meeting the MD of

McEwan's Malt at the Rackets Club.

I've booked your table at the Armadillo, 7 .30 for eight.

Great. Thanks, Pat.

Don't know when I'll get home this evening.

Do me a favour.

Ring Pam and warn her, will you?

Right.

Oh, and Pat.

While you're on, ask her gently, mind, if she'll do me a big favour.

Everything got soaked yesterday and I've got a four ball on Wednesday.

If she could just pack the shoes with a sock... Well, she knows the drill.

Hi, right.

Hi.

Well, don't take your coat off.

I've decided the business doesn't need any more help from now on.

Especially your type of help, which is no help at all.

In fact, the only help you ever give is to help yourself to other people's

relationships. Oh, put them out. Don't melt me.

You might think you're God's gift to women, but you're not to me. Don't care

you can get tickets when others can't.

If you didn't go out clubbing it every night, well, then you might have been

able to do a decent day's work the next day, after the night before, when you'd

been out gallivanting till the early morning of the following day.

Sorry, you're right. What?

You're right.

I'm just not suited for this kind of work.

Yeah, well, that's definitely true.

So it's best all round if you look for something else.

Here's two weeks' money. Just don't expect me to write you a reference,

all.

Fair enough.

I understand.

Though, actually, I don't need one.

You see, that's what I came to tell you. I've got a new job.

Well, thanks for the money.

I think of it as sort of holiday pay.

Actually, Lawrence, I just wondered if your Rotary Club had ever had to

a stewards' inquiry.

A donkey derby.

Just a minute, Pat.

The thing is, until it's all cleared up, we can't order the new minibus for the

DDA.

Distressed Dentists Association.

Yes, Pat?

Someone to see you.

Who is it?

Your wife.

Ask her to hold on there, will you, Pat?

Sorry, Lawrence. A touch of the matrimonials.

Yeah, I'll get back to you soon.

Great.

Ask Pam to come through, would you, Pat?

She's gone, but she left something for you.

Really? What is it?

Isn't Daddy pleased to see you?

Darling, you don't fancy lunch at the Adelphi, do you?

No.

Oh, do I?

It says here that there's only 3 ,000 great bustards left in Europe.

Don't you feel ashamed?

Why should I feel ashamed?

Well, we all should, cos we've all been going round polluting and ruining the

place. Only you're worse than me, cos you've been doing it longer.

Oh, how do you know?

that I voted for those green people last time. Oh, what, the Martians?

The Green Party.

My, they don't agree with all their ideas, so I only put a small cross.

Mark, come to the cabinet.

What? You missed a bit.

You could help to the lounging there.

I'm helping. You can see the dust better from this level.

Yeah. She's been in?

Yeah.

Did you set him?

No.

You said you were going to.

Yes. But you didn't. No.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Yes, certainly. I'll just get her.

For you.

A gentleman.

Hello?

Christopher. Why does everybody want to know about him? Oh, never mind, then.

Right.

Did you sack him? Mother.

Just wondered.

I was going to sack him, but he beat me to it. Oh, he sacked you?

He resigned.

He's got another job. Now, can we just drop the subject, please?

Certainly.

in a funny mood.

I'm not. Did she upset you? No. This morning? No.

David. David. Oh, your brother -in -law.

Thought I recognised the boy.

He's from Surrey, isn't he?

Oh, Pam's walked out and dumped the baby on him.

How irresponsible.

Yeah, well, it's two sides, eh?

He wants me to look after Sarah.

Poor man, he must be desperate.

Drop me off at the station on your way back.

What, you want me to move in? Probably.

I'll phone my mum this afternoon and find out what's going on. Do you know

she is?

I've got a good idea.

You didn't tell me about Chris.

No, I wasn't. He's resigned.

He's got another job.

Does it matter?

Oh, you are grumpy.

Are you keeping regular?

Mother.

You must know he's selling cleaning materials.

Not one of those youngsters who goes round door to door.

Topeless.

He can get it all so much cheaper in the shops.

Only an idiot would buy from them.

I think he's saying he'll see her in a minute with the last straw.

She just handed Sarah some meat, then give him this and flounced out.

Who can imagine? Popham does a very good plump.

Hey, he's a busy boy, isn't he?

I'll see you in a minute.

I'll surprise him, eh?

The moody mummy went off and left you, did she?

What a woolly -headed mummy she is.

What a silly sausage.

What a load of balls.

Come here, you've made it. Come here.

Come here.

What? All right, thanks.

I don't know what's got into her.

Well, not much. Most of it's on your shirt.

Do you know where she is?

No, do you?

Not yet, no.

So you'll have Sarah, then?

Well, if I do, you promise you'll come straight back this evening?

Well, that's the problem, you see. I've got a very important meeting.

I know. I've seen your diary.

You've got no right to look... Pardon?

I'll rearrange things.

Right. Tank which would cover it.

What?

Taxi fare.

Mails 1892.

Oh, hello.

No, I'm afraid not. She's round at her sister's in Haleswall.

Looking after the baby. There's been a bit of a domestic.

Now, it's not for me to say, but I'm sure she'll be pleased to see you.

Of course, you know the house, don't you?

That's right.

But bye.

Oh, and good luck with your new enterprise.

Oh, well, of course, Pamela. Some people might say that you and David were a

pair of self -centred, spoiled, irresponsible, self -indulgent, loaded

Not that I'd say that.

I mean, some people might say that you don't deserve to have a kid like Sarah

when you're just going to use her for scoring points in your pathetic games.

Some people might even say that you've got more money than sense and it's about

time you grew up.

But I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say anything like that. Because, you see,

it's just not in my nature to criticise.

Yeah, Pam, I know. You've told me all that. Why don't you go off and have a

think about it? I mean, I wouldn't want to influence you in any way.

I've got to go now. Say that you've fallen down the stairs again. Bye.

Come on.

Ready for your kip?

You!

Right first time?

What do you want?

Can I come in? Why?

Show you what I've got.

I know what you've got in there. I'm not cheating.

Oh, come on, friend.

You've got some good stuff in here.

All right. Five minutes.

Sorry.

Yes, please.

Eh?

I'm sorry. I thought you said have a coffee.

You thought wrong, didn't you?

Oh, fair enough.

I'll put the kettle on anyway, in case you change your mind later.

I had the idea last time I was round here.

Do you remember?

Yeah, well, perhaps it was the wrong idea, eh?

I was own -friendly.

Just like me.

Careful, you've got to wipe it right away.

What's this like?

It's all right, just keep it off the wood.

It's not easy, will you?

It's shaving foam. Look, do you want anything?

Do you?

Well, it depends on what's on offer.

Where is she?

Who? The lady of the house.

Oh, Pam.

She's just knocked out. Gone to the shop. She'll be back any minute.

Look, I didn't really come round here to sell things.

No? No.

I wondered if you were doing anything on Saturday.

Oh, I am. Oh, look, you've missed a bit.

What are you doing?

What, on Saturday?

out bird watching with Malcolm.

You've ruined me shirt.

I haven't ruined it. Look, there's a stain remover here.

Here, tea, coffee and bodily fluids. Well, perhaps not.

Here, tar paint and shoe polish.

You're a nutcase, you. Sorry, it was just a joke.

I'm only demonstrating.

Yes, you won't believe that. But I'm just trying to get to something.

Oh, listen, look. Remember that time outside? Outside Malcolm's garage?

When she hit you in the side street?

Shame, I know, but you know.

Oh, and the kettle's just boiled.

Chris. What?

Look, I'm sorry about your shirt. It was just a joke, eh?

You're mad.

And the other night, it was great.

Maybe we could do it again sometime, eh?

Maybe we could.

And more.

Come here.

See ya.

Hello, Malcolm.

Feeling better?

There's nothing the matter with me.

Of course not.

I just made some tea.

Right.

I must say it's a relief.

What is?

Having the house to ourselves again.

She'll be back soon.

If you say so, dear.

That's what you want.

As soon as Pam and David are OK again.

This one could go to the bathroom where one wants to.

One doesn't want to.

It's a bit of a morning.

Look, I've told you, Brenda can stay as long as she chooses.

And if you don't like it, that's too bad. Because if she goes, I go.

She's gone.

She'll be back.

We'll see.

I know you don't like her.

I've never said that.

Oh, so you do like her?

Never said that either.

You'd at least be polite.

I mean, she did buy you those radiator valve covers.

Yeah.

I don't think they've got them at Windsor Castle.

Well, does it matter?

Well, she said they did.

Look, Mother, Brenda and I... You wouldn't understand anyone.

Oh, I do, Malcolm.

I do.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Brent.

Yeah, right. Hello?

Oh, pardon me, Hashi.

Never mind.

We're better in the morning.

It's prunes for dessert.

Hiya. Hi.

How is she?

What's the error?

Oh, she's asleep.

Oh, no, don't go up. She's just gone off.

Yeah, but I need to wash my hands.

Kitchen? No, but... Kitchen.

Right.

Furniture polish?

Oh, yeah. They'd go a bit mad.

Even did the breadboard.

What? And your golf clubs.

She will stay until Pam... That's the easy error of her way.

Well, you know.

She just doesn't realise she's got it made here.

Oh, I think she does appreciate the better things in life.

Is the wine just breathing?

Good heavens.

It's a bit... You and me?

Well, I know we haven't all seen eye to eye.

I suppose not.

You're showing how it should be done. Could say that, yeah.

It'll be about 20 minutes.

Why don't you go through it?

Get yourself sorted.

Thank you.

I know what you like.

What? Gin and tonic, ice and lemon.

Thank you.

David. Yes?

Take them off.

What? The shoes made themselves uncomfortable.

Was that Sarah?

No. No, I heard something. No, we left the radio on upstairs. Look, relax. Take

your shoes off.

And the other one.

Thanks.

David. Yes?

You know how I sometimes... Call you a pretentious pillock. Yeah.

Well, no. Well, you may have.

Well, not without good cause, of course.

Look, I'm sure I heard something. No, relax.

20 minutes.

What? Before the meal.

Have you... Have you... Have you spoken to Pal?

Yeah. She was at our mum's. You get?

Well, she hasn't got that many options.

No, it's not.

Unlike yourself.

Pardon? Well, you get about a bit, don't you? I mean, clubs and all that.

Golf, squash, vibratory.

Vibratory?

Oh, that's right.

And lunch at the Adelphi. It's business.

Of course.

Right. And Pam, well, she should be more understanding and do things for you

when you come in.

Perhaps I could arrange to have more time here.

It's very comfortable, isn't it?

Intimate, even.

You'll take her away for a long weekend.

She likes the lake.

What? Windermere.

Right. Well, I'll pick something up as soon as she gets back.

If she gets back, don't be long.

Right. Oh, hi, Malcolm. Good to see you. Come in.

Thank you.

Ready?

Hold on. I thought you were going to stay.

I would love to, but someone else needs me more.

Right. Well, what about Sarah?

Well, if she wakes up, you can look after her. Or a mum can if she's out of

bath. See you.

I've been fixing fellas all day.

Fellas? Oh, you mean me on the landing?

Eh, that's right, yeah.

Have you forgiven me yet?

No. I'll make it up to you. I promise.

How?

Think of something.

Have I fallen in his bath?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out of water?