Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one, Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

The answer, it seems, is play.

Jennifer Holden reporting. The Yukon Territory. Not the best captain.

Amazing it is. Australian movies on every channel.

Don't keep doing that.

What? Changing channels. It's very rude.

Oh, it's not me, sir. I'm trying to ring over to tell my mum I'm all right.

Hello? What is she up to?

She does this when she's got a cold. Reckons it drains the sinuses. What

Her brain?

Hey, it's rude to be rude to the au pair.

I might go on strike and then he'll teach Sarah to eat spaghetti with her

behind her back.

It's like leaving Billy Funter in charge of the tuck shop.

Who's he?

Johnny.

I was waiting for the news.

Oh, right, well, the news is... You've missed it. Oh, damn.

I don't think I can stay in your services if your husband's going to use

language. I didn't realise the time.

I've got to go.

Oh, yeah.

Well, bring us back some crisp.

I have a committee meeting.

Deal, say that.

Which pub?

It's the Thurston Residence Association.

Where do these thirsty residents meet?

Thurston Residence, in a room.

Where? At the back of the Artful Pheasant.

The Artful Pheasant?

Well, when you're on your way home with a busy stop, you'd ask you where you've

been. You'd better be very careful how you say that.

What's it about?

There's a shop come vacant on the block, and one of the applications has run up.

Well, anyway, we'll be making certain objections.

Oh, I know that one. Is it next to the... office.

Well, with a bit of luck, you get yourself another off -licence.

That Howard's wine store's a real rip -off. We certainly don't need another

-licence. No.

We could do with a chippy, as it isn't a betting shop for miles.

That's exactly the sort of thing we're objecting to.

I don't blame you. You've got a right to decent services.

There'll be no chip shop, no betting shop, and no second wine store.

Lawrence and I will see to that.

Bye, darling.

Bye, sir.

Don't forget your wife.

Lawrence Howard, chairman of the Residents' Association.

Oh, I get it. Howard's Wine Store.

I often wonder why people vote to get themselves rolled over.

Oh, we don't vote.

They're volunteers.

What, like a shop steward?

No wonder they get rolled over. They have the interests of the community at

heart. It's a question of standards.

Well, it seems as though you've become an expert in the middle -class tendency.

Tell me something.

What would be a good present for a frumpy, whittle housewife?

Oh, no! Who are you? I'm Ian Malcolm's mother.

I want to get her something she'll appreciate.

Well, you could have picked something up at the face on Saturday.

I did do. That's cold.

I meant at one of the craft doors.

I'll tell you what, have a look on the table. There's a copy of Elegant Homes.

Oh, great.

Elegant Homes. That sounds nauseating enough.

What's Malcolm getting her? Couldn't you go in with him? No.

He fixed himself up with something last week. Something special.

Yes, well, we leave at eight on Saturday morning.

Back just after midnight.

What? Oh, yes, it's very hard to get tickets.

Malcolm booked ages ago.

Do you know, I read somewhere that it takes him three hours to get his mask

No, I don't think he wears roller skates as well.

Yes, it is. It's a lovely idea.

Your son did too.

In Italy?

Oh, in the open air?

Well, of course they can do that there, can't they? Once the pigeons have gone

to bed.

And which birthday was that?

Was it?

Yes, well, I must be going now.

Yes, right. Bye.

I'm surprised Mussolini let them in.

Mrs Lloyd -Roberts? Yes.

She said he doesn't need much time to shop.

Oh, yeah, the afternoon. The matinee doesn't start till four.

I'd like to go to Harrods, actually.

Puffer.

I'll think of something.

Not just for the plastic bag.

No, I can't.

Only I've got one from Halfords. I could alter the name if you like.

Now, who can that be? I'll go.

Oh.

There's no need to tie you up. It's only me.

I wasn't.

You sound a bit rough.

Just a bit of a cold.

I suppose you've been going out with a wet head.

Oh, not much these days. He's too busy.

I'll make some tea.

What's this, then? Maid's night off? Yeah, she's bored out of school.

Fancy taking her for a swift lemonade and a pack of the ready salted?

What, now?

No, a week next Friday. I'll sit on the step until you're ready.

There's a wildlife programme on I really wanted to see. Oh, keep going. I could

get pretty wild myself with an excuse like that.

I suppose I could record it.

And what about tomorrow night?

What, instead or as well?

Well, er... I'll look at the paper. Oh, no, don't move.

I wouldn't want a death of exhaustion on me conscience.

Rest your eyeballs.

Oh, look, here before us is the town of Saturday.

Well, I'm in London.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, it's probably sold out.

What about the pictures tomorrow night, the new multi -screen?

Oh, all right.

I'm fair and bad about doing anything.

Still all pairing, are you?

Yeah.

It's about the only kind of pair I ever get these days.

Ah.

Brenda means like cat's mother.

Oh, does she? Yeah, you know, pair.

Oh, poor Mason, I haven't had my leg for a second.

No, he's just gone out. He's quite choosy.

I was about to start. Oh, yes.

If there's more sex and violence, I'll take mine through to the kitchen.

It's a wildlife film.

Precisely.

What's so special about it, anyway?

It was mentioned in this month's RSPB magazine.

It's about survival strategies. It covers a year in the life of an old red

grouse. Oh, that reminds me. I thought of a present for her.

Three pounds, please.

Cheers.

Here you are. That'll help you cold.

It doesn't need any help. It's thriving on its own, thanks.

Sorry about the film.

Ten screens and you had to pick that one.

Mixed up.

We should have known as soon as we walked in.

We're the only people in there without raincoats.

Sorry, I got engrossed in the subtitles and, well, you know, you should have

woke me sooner.

I didn't know you were asleep.

I thought all those noises you were making were you commenting on the film.

It's the dark after a long day. I just sort of go zonk.

Well, that's a habit you're going to have to break sooner or later.

Otherwise your mother's never going to make Mel's Granny of the Year.

Was it any good?

What do you mean? I was it for me or I was it for them?

What's the film? How do you do it? I don't know.

After you've zonked, as you call it, I went and chatted to the popcorn fella in

the foyer. At least I listened.

Great it was.

I played Trivial Pursuits with a Barry Norman groupie.

Do you know Hobes didn't say play it again, Sam?

Sherlock Holmes. And Huffy Bogart didn't say, elementary, you dirty rat. Nor did

Cagney and Lacey.

Oh, no, don't you start, or you'll have me zonking for England.

You sound rough.

You need an early night?

No. You've already had one.

What about a bit of people watching, then?

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, there's a new one over here.

It looks familiar.

Too smart for this place. I wonder what he's after.

He's after the Duke of Edinburgh reward for looking like the Duke of Edinburgh.

Before we start, listen, just tell me one thing.

Just one?

OK. This drink tastes like hair conditioner.

It's cold.

No, listen.

Remember in the cinema?

How could I forget?

Well, you came back and you sat on me right.

I'm sorry. I didn't feel anything.

No, listen.

You were there, but you blew in my ear to wake me up. But it was this ear.

Ah, there was a fella sitting on your left. Come back just in time, you know.

Cedric! Was it?

No, I mean, that's who it is.

Hey, you're right.

Cedric, this guy used to look like a human being.

He must have ridden his bike through a car wash.

Are you here?

Hey, are the shoes match?

What, match his suit? No, match each other.

You're smart for this place.

It must be Mary.

No, it's definitely Cedric. Mary's next to him.

Wait a minute. Must be Mary's influence.

He's been chatting up for ages.

She must have told him to use the old yard scrubber or else.

We used one to get one.

Right. Scrubber. It's like a joke. We play on the word scrubber.

I just think that's funny.

And what do you mean, too smart for this place?

Well, I mean, the grapes is a bit, isn't it? What, are the people who take care

of it a bit harder?

Right.

I wonder if that pollution they had off New Brighton last week was caused by

Fendrick's bathwater.

Neither did the fish off New Brighton.

No need to cry about it. Oh, shut up.

What's this on? I'm fed up. Of what?

Loads of things.

But mainly you and your snide remarks.

Come on, you started it. I am to like this place.

And it makes the change from your mums and our pams and their chintzy curtains,

double ovens and deep -piled toilet seat covers.

Brenda? Don't make a joke about that.

No, no, Brenda. At least the people here are genuine and don't spend their time

donning themselves up for stupid dinner parties or leaping round their yard and

setting fire to pieces of dead cow.

Yeah, Brenda.

What? Well, that's not your handbag.

How's the pictures?

Disaster. Oh, I like that, sir. What did you see, Tara and Inferno?

No, I meant the evening was a disaster.

Women, eh?

I know the feeling.

Last Sunday, I was at a concert with this girl. I really had the hots for

What was her name?

Oh, yes, Carol.

And in comes this Debbie.

And I told her I couldn't even get tickets for myself that week. And

was going to be at my sister's in Runcorn, helping my dad fiberglass the

And put lagging on it, eh? It didn't run cool.

No, the lagging goes on the pipes.

She must have moved to Tunbridge Wells.

Yeah, well, she has, but it's not something you like to admit, is it?

Anyway, this Debbie, she was dead narked.

Because she'd have to pay over the top for them, and she knows I can always get

them cost.

Tickets. Right.

But last week, I only got the two late on, so I rang this Karen.

I mean, Carol.

Because I really fancy that. I mean, especially as one of your mates.

You'll get tickets.

Not just the bands.

I worked at the box office there once and well.

Keep up your contacts, don't you?

What about the UB40 concert this Saturday?

Sure. It's nice of you, Mark, but won't Brenda be jealous?

Just a joke. She'll be OK. Two tickets.

Yeah, cos she'll probably want to take a friend.

And that excludes you, does it?

Last night must have been a bad one.

I'm taking your mother to see a show in London.

This'll be a peace offering.

Fair enough.

After all, fixing things is what you pay me for.

Shall we sit?

Yeah, all right.

Not there, eh?

Over there, yeah.

Fine taro and a bit of lemon. Right you are, son.

Notice anything?

What?

Oh, yeah, it's nasty, that.

I'll get you some elastoplasts for it.

Do you know him?

More than that. I've written his life story.

What? It's again me and our pamphlet where you make up backgrounds. What,

watching? Well, you know it. Yeah, Malcolm told me how you met.

Oh, right.

I wonder what his version was like.

No, don't tell me. I wasn't going to.

No? Well, tell me then.

No, I wouldn't break her confidence, especially when he was my boss.

I don't think you might have done that already.

What do you mean, tonight?

Oh, no, you see, in a way, he sort of asked them.

40. No, he asked me too.

Look, he said you might want to take a friend.

And as it turned out, I could only get the one ticket besides me own.

You'd be 40, my favourite.

Yeah, well, as long as Mark doesn't get the wrong impression and tell you to

pick up your own, you'd be 40.

Wrong impression?

Oh, I hadn't really thought of that.

Perhaps it would be better if we didn't mention it.

Yeah, perhaps.

So, would you like another drink?

Yeah, all right. Why not?

Though it's a bit this place, isn't it? Oh, don't you start.

No, I just meant if we're going to have another, we might as well go somewhere a

bit more lively. There's a club just along from here.

No, I don't think so.

But you were ready for one here.

Come on, there's a good disco.

Look, then I'll take you straight home.

I'm completely safe. No alcohol when I'm driving.

So you've got nothing to worry about.

Sorry I'm late.

Lawrence does go on. What was it tonight?

Residence? No, Rotary.

Emergency meeting of the Events Committee.

There was a protest about her last race on Saturday.

Pat Horrocks claims she was interfered with.

Is she grateful?

Until it's sorted, we can't order the new minibus for the Distressed Dentist

Association.

Oh, protest. That's a bit much, isn't it? Yeah, well, it is, really. For a

donkey derby.

I remember the last race. She was leading, wasn't she?

Then the animal stopped and sort of backed towards the crowd.

I didn't see it, but that's how she tells it.

Then it sort of shot off backwards towards the start line and didn't stop

it hit the vicar's cactus store.

How you saw it all?

Most of it, actually. I know somebody was in the crowd right by where the

backed up. Well, they may have seen what happened.

What's the matter?

It wasn't... Oh, no.

I knew we shouldn't have taken her. She might have... done anything.

If she was there and something happened, it was her.

It's not a leap.

It's a minute, logical step.

And where is she?

She's gone to a concert. I'll have a word with her when I see her.

Yeah. Better you.

I might do something.

Oh, take one of your tablets.

Yeah, perhaps I'd better.

Oh, Malcolm.

He's not all bad.

No? Well, I must have missed the bit that isn't. She's been good for Malcolm.

You didn't know them in the early days.

She's really brought him out.

And she's changed, too. What was she before?

Completely psychopathic.

Now, look, we can't be sure she did anything on Saturday.

And after all, she's here to suit you, remember?

Yes, but it doesn't suit me.

I wanted a proper au pair from the outset.

She's great with Sarah, and that's all that matters.

What's more, I'm nearly finished at your office, so once I'm back home, Brenda

can go.

Well, she will, won't she?

What? Go.

Well, of course she'll go. She hates it here. She finds it boring.

And it is.

What?

You've been out four evenings this week. Well, you know I had two emergency

meetings.

Oh, look.

We're both on edge.

Look, once she's gone, things will be back to normal.

Like you said, it won't be long.

Just you, me and Sarah.

And she'll be back with a deranged.

What are you talking about?

Sorry.

It's not in the jeans, is it?

No, I went out wearing a black skirt.

Have you paid him?

Yes, you have to pay taxi driver's mother, otherwise they don't go away.

Now, don't let's spoil a perfectly good day with facetiousness.

I'll not bother with supper, thanks.

Oh, right.

You can if you want.

Could do with something stronger.

Was a day with your mother that much of a trial?

Of course not.

Do you want anything?

No, thank you.

If you must, there's that sherry from Christmas and there's brandy in the

medical chest upstairs.

Oh, yes, and there's that.

Oh.

I thought he was very surly.

He was supposed to be. Who?

The phantom.

The taxi driver.

You didn't have to give him instructions all the way. It is his job. Maybe, but

I pass the station coming back from the shops every day and it's definitely

quicker through Fern Close.

Yes, but his taxi's too wide for the passage at the end, isn't it?

Still no excuse for what he said.

Hope he didn't tip him.

So you think she might call tomorrow, then? Who?

Mrs Lloyd -Roberts.

I haven't finished reading them.

Actually, it's tomorrow now.

Yeah, look, it's past midnight.

Oh, so it is.

Happy birthday. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Malcolm.

Did you know Holmes assist?

But you're the great... Oh, now, that's very nice.

And thank you for a lovely day.

It's all right.

No, look, I know we've had the odd little difference over the last year or

Something we never used to have.

But there's reasons.

And those reasons won't always be there.

I'm glad you feel like that.

And I know you'll warm to her eventually.

What?

She came round for the workshop yesterday, asked me to give you this.

you.

Stand admiring all those candles. Blow them out before the room catches fire.

People send rude ones these days.

What sort of people?

Oh, and this.

Oh.

They're very lengthy.

Do you like them?

What are they?

Radiator valve covers.

Quilted nylon and mohair.

But I think tapestry are definitely the classiest.

Yeah, I'm sure they are.

It's on every radiator in Windsor Castle.

Are they?

I didn't know they had to. Oh, yes.

I suppose you can't get the logs these days.

I bet Mrs Lloyd -Roberts hasn't got them yet.

No, I don't suppose she has.

Well, thank Brenda for me when you see her, will you?

I will.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Where's the light? Shh.

Chris, where are you?

Good morning, madam. Can I

interest

you in a yellow duster?

No, thanks. I can still see your face. Try turning it round the other way.

Would you care to say a few words to the viewers?

No.

If we look on this monitor here, you could perhaps talk us through the

stages. Oh, right.

This is where someone tried to score early on in the game and got stressed as

off.

Yeah, well, he's flying away.

It was good, wasn't it?

What was?

The concert.

That car's nice.

Yeah?

I'm thinking of getting one of my own soon.

See if I can get a ride out of Malcolm.

Is that what you're trying to do?

Pardon?

Nothing.

Radiator valve covers?

Yeah. Brilliant, aren't they?

You can also be used as snow boots for cats.

Want to keep your pen warm?

Or even? Yeah, OK, I think that's fine.

That's what they all say.

Is that you, Brad?

Yeah.

I thought we had Berglund.

I've had the radio on. Any tea going?

Oh, no, we've just emptied a pot. I could make another one and bring you one

Oh, no, it doesn't matter.

Don't be long.

Right. Er, Bren?

Yeah? You know Pat Horrocks' donkey?

Well, not as big, too.

But, Faye, did you do anything to it? Me?

Oh, Pam, no, honest.

Sure. Positive.

You ask Sarah, she was with me all afternoon.

I will, as soon as she can talk.

Who did this to your budgie?

I'm going to have to go.

OK.

Er, switch the radio on and don't forget to wash both cups, but only leave one

on the draining board.

OK.

What was that about a face?

Worse than death.

Er, I'm going to let the car roll down the hill before I start the engine.

Played this game before, have you?

Never.

Good night, Brenda.

Good night.

Been a good night.

Good night.

I will have that drink.

When you're ready.

Bye -bye.

Because he drowned me in Chanel.

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?

Am I tackled by style?

Has he made...