Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. The one who I see in him.

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Well, that's your best bet, sir. Take both pairs, see what you think, then

back the pair you don't want. Money back, no hassle, all right? Yeah.

Alison, some of these shirts are on white hangers.

Remember the rule.

Blue stand, black hangers, yellow stand, white hangers. Not very hard, is it?

Uh, I've talked to my Mr.

Milton. He's changed them and wants a refund.

Refund?

Yeah, what's the trouble?

He's tested everything.

I see.

If you change your hangers, Alison, I'll deal with it. Right, sir.

First, we need an RG4. If you just fill in this, explain precisely why the goods

are not set as factory and then complete boxes 3 to 47.

We want name, address and phone number of two referees. So you best take it

home, fit it back in this counter for stamping and hand it in on the fourth

floor, far corner, right -hand side.

I'm going on first to lunch. Yeah, I'll come with you.

Oh, no.

See, that chap, he might come back in a day or two with an RG4.

You'll find it's the out -of -date version, so send him off with a copy of

new one, huh? Malcolm,

the idea is that we give them good and they give us money.

Once it starts operating the other way round, we'll all be out on the street.

Anyway, have you got your ticket?

Ticket? My shot's dinner and binge.

Oh, that, no, it's not my scene.

It's nothing to do with scene power. You go because everyone who matters goes.

Mind you, you have got a problem, haven't you?

Partner -wise, so to speak.

Bit out of her league, really, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

Oh, you know, some classy piece of skirt from the wilds of the Wirral who'd

oblige for an evening.

You know, elbows at the table and a plum in her mush.

If I were to go, I'd take Brenda.

You are a brave man, Mel.

Ridiculous she could handle it.

Go to the Royal Cheshire for a birthday. Yeah, I heard.

No, they're closed down, Chief.

You're not funny.

Sorry. So you'll be wanting two tickets, then? I haven't said I'm going yet. If

you've got to, mate, I promise Mr Blackmore that this department will give

support. And next year, even better.

Well, you can count me out.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

If I place you right next to the bone, why don't you get changed there, if you

like? Save punking for a town in your monkey suit.

Monkey suit?

Yeah, right.

You need a DJ.

Then you can definitely count me out.

Any better?

A bit.

Not like you, Pam.

Last time you had a day off was when you were up in court for breaking that

fella's arm.

Do you want me to try to snatch your handbag?

Well, maybe it's delayed reaction to all the upset, you know, finding out he was

married and all that. I don't think so.

Well, you're backed off out of it.

I mean, you might be finding him hard to forget, but it'll be worth the effort.

You're all right?

Do you want some tea?

No, thank you. I'm still a bit queasy. Drop the soup, then.

Oh, sorry, bit of a reminder, that, isn't it?

What? You know, David and the soup.

I mean, it was probably funny at the time, but dunking him in a bowl of

mulligatawny is hardly compensation, is it? Leave it out, Brenda.

I don't know why, but I just imagined it was mulligatawny. What was it?

Brenda. Sorry.

Tomato. Oh, great, that really stings.

Let's talk about something else, eh?

OK.

Yeah. Well... I see they've got a new kind of, like, pen at the supermarket.

When you walk in, they shove it in your ear to see if you can afford to shop

there.

And you know when you're better, do you think you'll go back on your diet?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Good, cos I've got you some lettuce and tomato. Oh, sorry.

What?

Tomato. I'm sorry.

Those flowers are from me. Yeah. Shall I dump them? No, leave them.

OK.

Er, don't look over for a minute.

That's two chicken, one... ..and one thick vegetable, which

reminds me of being Malcolm tonight.

How's the bird man there?

Oh, hello, uh, Susan.

You, uh, you over here?

Yes, Malcolm. If I was over there, you'd have to shout. Oh, right.

Are you all right?

Fine, yeah.

Going to the bar once on Saturday?

Uh, no, I don't think so. You? I'm afraid it's a must for our sister.

Our boss is giving a speech and he'll be wanting to impress Paola with a full

turnout. And you're the cheerleader? I will be when it's over.

Actually, it's good once they've finished. The food's great and there's

good disco afterwards.

Yeah, maybe.

It's just that... Oh, of course.

Then... What do you mean? No, that's... Still,

never mind.

I'll go. I'll see you. Yeah, see you, yeah.

Excuse me. Yes, can I help?

It's you.

I just wondered if I could have a word.

I'll give you a word. Get lost.

Well, that's two words, actually.

And unless you've come in here to buy something, here's another two. There's

door.

I've heard there's a jacket.

Do you have a 40?

Thanks. Malcolm, there's two sides to every story. Oh, is that so?

Well, I don't need your side, because I've had Pam's side, and I'm on her

Beside. Oh, I see.

Right.

Then you wouldn't collect something for me from the Wilkins?

No.

What is it?

Well, just some clothes and stuff. I can't go myself.

Right. You show your face around there, you'll get more than the soup treatment.

Oh, I see.

Then I'm sorry to have troubled you.

I just thought that being a man of the world, you'd understand.

Well, after all, you went away with Brenda once.

Well, that was different.

I mean, we went birdwatching.

Camping in separate sleeping bags. I mean, one tent but two bags.

Except for the last night when mine got stuck out the end of the door and got

wet. But that's different because we're not married like you are to somebody

else who isn't Pamela and you didn't even tell her. I'm not married.

What? Well, not now. But we saw you. She gave you a big kiss. A goodbye kiss.

A goodbye kiss.

But we split two years ago and now we're divorced.

I tried to tell Pam that, but she didn't want to know. Well, can you blame her?

I mean, somebody who tells lies is bound to tell more lies when somebody else

finds out that the first lies are lies.

I can show you the papers.

Why me?

Because I hoped you might help.

I don't know many people up here, but you've always stood out as a

caring, thoughtful, understanding sort of a guy. Yes, well... The sort of

fellow... Who doesn't leap to conclusions and who will weigh carefully

of the dispute and give a fair, balanced and intelligent assessment.

I don't like to rush things. Rush things? You?

Malcolm, in this shop we are paid to supply clothing to the public, not to

agony unto the love lord.

Now, let this gentleman watch out. I was about to purchase a leather jacket,

actually. and Mr Stoneway was being most helpful. However, I shall now write to

my friend, Mr Fowler, and tell him the transaction was frustrated by the

aggressive intervention of a certain Terence Milton.

Ah, now, don't be silly. I didn't realise it.

I'll leave you with Malcolm.

He'll about you.

You know our managing director?

Well, I know of him.

More lies.

Only to help you.

Look, Mark, if we could have a glass at lunchtime, I could tell you the whole

story. So I can tell Pam?

Please.

I don't know what to believe.

Shall I wrap this for you? What?

Well, you did say this one, didn't you? That wasn't more lies, was it?

No, no, no, no. Of course not. All right.

Yep. Ciao.

So, how's Pam?

A bit lost.

Well, she'll get over it.

Someone came into the shop today.

What's your fault for leaving the door open?

I mean, somebody I know. Somebody we both know.

Oh, let me guess.

Pooper Rabbit?

No.

Well, yes, she came, but she often does.

Well, at least not often, but sometimes.

Because she's in accounts.

They're not in our building, but she does occasionally come across.

On occasion, which today was one of. Oh, Mark, I don't want to know. Talk about

something else. I was talking about something else. What something else was

that? Well, there's something else that came into the shop and wasn't Susan.

I need to have a chat with Pam. I need to explain things.

What things?

It's difficult to explain.

Oh, can't we leave this conversation and cut our risks?

Talk about something else. Well, it's worth a try.

You don't want to go to a boring dinner on a Saturday, do you?

Well, not like that. I can't resist.

But some odd shops do.

A boogie.

Eh? A dance.

Oh, yeah, well, there'll be a disco afterwards, but not till the dinner and

speeches and all that business is finished. Be a drag.

Do you prefer I be there?

Susan, yeah, she has to, really, because of her position.

What, like horizontal?

Eh?

Not. Well, Mal, you've talked me into it.

I mean, I wouldn't want you roaming the warren with all those unattached bunnies

available. Oh, no, I won't be going.

Of course not.

Mark, don't wriggle.

Oh, but I don't want to. I mean, it'd mean me hiring a DJ.

Surely the bosses should organise a disco.

The papers he was signing were for the sale of the house. He says.

Well, he says.

And it was a goodbye kiss.

Of course, Pam. If that was a goodbye kiss, I bet you had to count your

after he said hello.

Shush, Brenda.

Tony, Pam, forget him. It'll pass.

Like when you had that ingrown toenail or those spots on your belly.

Shut up.

Sorry.

Well, anyway, that's the story. I said I'd give him a ring tonight with your

answer.

He's geared it in a bag in the hall.

I see.

Oh, well, let's be off.

Saturday. Oh, yeah, pick you up at 7 .30.

Did you say you're getting changed to Terry's?

Yes, right by the Beaumont.

What's it like?

It's a big hotel in the park.

Terry's flat.

Oh, you know these Victorian houses. Big room, very Terry.

I'll meet you there, then.

There's no need I pick you up. She's nosy. I'm interested.

Nosy. Write nosy things as you will.

All right.

Oh, David.

What about his stuff?

Oh, let him come for her.

Right. Great.

I'll warm the soup.

I'll go.

Hi. Hi.

Let me take you out.

Wow, you look great.

How's the badge yourself?

I'll put those in the bathroom, won't be long.

Well,

that's what I call subtle.

Lots of surprise.

What's that?

No mirrors.

having a drink here, is it?

Well, it's difficult.

Let's get going then.

You have had a word, haven't you?

Pardon? You know, for a behave.

What?

You haven't had your melt.

Look, Brenda, this is a posh stew, right?

If Malcolm's ever going to get on in this firm, he needs people around him

that's got the proper social graces and that.

Oh, like you?

Right. For instance, if you have the soup, you don't cut the bread, you break

it. Oh, I will. Straight after I've done your neck.

I'll be ready.

Hang on a minute. I'm not stuck with both of you, am I? No such luck,

I'm meeting her there.

Oh, and Mel, just say as we start straight, that'll be 20 quid.

20? Yeah.

Oh, and look at this. We needn't have gone all tarted up. We could have gone

the nude.

Eh? Is this dress optional?

Hello, I've come from things

Here she is, the lucky lady.

Hi. Hello.

You're with us.

Great, so I would let down a moment there.

Oh, a punctured bunny.

Seems you were desperate too, Malcolm.

What? Shall we go in?

I like your frock.

I'm sure you're right. That style must be due back any time now.

I did once have one like yours.

On a barbie doll.

Now look, do you think just for one night you two could lay off?

Truth.

You were right, Burke.

You've got the feet big, Malcolm.

I know you could be top table.

No, thanks.

I haven't got the legs for it.

Why did you meet him in here?

They've been ten quid.

And I'm sure we all wish them well.

And now we come to the point of the evening, which I'm sure you've all been

waiting for, the point where I call upon our managing director here, Mr Fowler,

to present the mod shop's medallion.

Yet again, it's not been an easy choice.

It must be said that the efforts of Miss Susan Roberts in the Accounts

Department have been quite exceptional, particularly so when you consider that

she is, in fact, a woman.

However, the winner for the third year running is the head of expenses and

cash, Mr Nigel Fowler.

Thank you, Uncle.

So to end, we come to the last and ultimate award

of the evening.

Friends, colleagues, mod shops persons, at a

recent senior management seminar, which I attended, we were reminded...

that we operate in a very competitive ballpark.

And we must be ever watchful, hindsight -wise, for the bottom line.

Because whichever way the cookie crumbles, at the end of the day, what is

to be said but... Good night.

See?

That's what we depend on.

At that seminar, our managing director...

likened mod shops to a galleon, a mighty ship cruising the choppy oceans

of the high street.

A brilliant anomaly, if I may say so.

But I say, what is a ship without sails?

A motorboat.

Without sails, the galleon cannot move.

And it will drift onto the rocks.

That's a good move.

You're finished.

Carry on.

For this reason, our major award goes not to a member of management,

because this is a team organisation and intelligence does not come into it, but

to a person who operates at the cold face of the shop floor.

Because, although I have said on many occasions, The buck stops here.

Let us not forget where it starts.

And this year's biggest buck, biggest sales, have been achieved by

Mr Terry Milton.

Thank you.

I'd just like to offer my concurrences with all that Mr Crawford said and

him on behalf of all of us who do their bit on the sales floor that we intend to

keep banging away.

There's an old saying back in M. Wednesday.

You, Mr Milton.

Milton. Milton.

And now I'd like to end with a little anecdote that you may find amusing.

Laugh while you're sacked.

In our January sales, last December, we offered a 10 % discount

on purchases over £50.

On the first morning, a supervisor was checking up on the new sales assistant

and he asked one young lady, if a customer offered you £85,

what would you take off?

And she said... Everything but my earrings. Everything but my earrings.

Thank you.

I've spoiled it. Why not, pompous old pillow?

Who ever is such a load of old pigeon droppings?

Cookies that are crumbled at his brain.

Good lady, I don't know which branch you work in, but I tell you one thing, you

won't work there any more.

Well, is this a transfer leg?

You can collect your cards on Monday.

Okay, but what about me weak in hand? Oh, God. She's not with us.

What? I'm not with us.

Well, don't stand there arguing. Just get the little baggage out of here.

Don't. She's with me. Well, you get her out.

Yes. And if you want to stay employed by this firm, don't you ever again bring

such a revolting specimen to one of our functions. Is that clear?

Right. And she's not the only thing that's revolting. I am.

I've had just about enough of you and your stupid mud shots, so you can take

them and stick them one by one into your ballpark situation, hindsight -wise.

And that goes for you, too.

Come on.

I'm not staying for the disco, then.

All I can suggest is that you go in on Monday and really grovel.

I'll tell you what.

Say that you was on tablets and they didn't mix with booze. You went all

You've been in hospital all weekend.

I know. You needed a brain scan.

Well, so do you, but I don't think you'll find anything.

You can't say I didn't warn you, Mel.

What does he mean?

Do you live far?

A mile or so. I'll pay you if you like.

Oh, great.

You're coming back now, aren't you? No, it's late. I'll go straight on home.

I've got a drop of the good stuff here. You drink it.

See if it'll help get that shoe polish off your tongue.

That's a copy.

Put it down, my son.

Come on.

Hey, Malcolm.

He's still in shock.

Why, concussion?

I suppose it's not every day you tell the managing director what to do with

retail outlet.

You need something to snap him out of it.

Oh, I know.

Are you sure?

I'll try it.

OK.

There's one thing I've always wondered about. It's the mechanical principles of

the folding settee.

Settee? Oh, yeah, remember?

I'll demonstrate if you like. Oh, there's no need, Malcolm. No, no, let

I'll rig him off to my second.

Hello. Are you in bed?

No, I've been out.

I can tell that from the direction your face is pointing in.

This is Susan. We've met.

This is David.

Hello.

I think the secret's in the biradial hinge, Susan.

He's still at it. He's in shock. We've got to be gentle with him.

And there.

There must have been something in that one. I'm glad I stuck to orange juice.

Pamela. What?

Warm soup? It's all right. We're OK.

I'll never understand women.

I'm finished.

It's very clever.

He means finished at mud shops.

He left this evening.

What happened?

It's a long story. There were speeches and... I helped a bit. One thing led to

another and Malcolm resigned.

I'll make the coffee.

So what will you do?

Well, I'll not go back.

Even if they beg.

Plead on bended knees.

Yes, well, Malcolm, I don't think there's too much hope of him doing that.

Mother.

No, that's David, but there is a resemblance. No, he won't become your

You could say that one of the directors insulted Mel and you resigned in

protest.

Look, I ought to be going.

You can stay here if you like. This is a family bed, you see.

We put a record on and we all walk round it. Then when the music stops, the

first two in have it for the night.

But don't worry, if we get David, it's an automatic rerun.

Nice to be back.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Will you drop me off?

Oh.

Go on, then.

I'll trust you. Bye.

Coffee. Oh, thanks.

Then we'll get going.

Well, you did say you were fed up with your job.

Yeah, by the sound of it, it wasn't really the best way to go.

I suppose.

What?

Well, I suppose up to a point, and all things considered, bearing in mind the

chain of events leading up to it, some people might think that, in some way, it

was sort of my fault.

No. No. Quite ridiculous.

No way.

It was just a thought.

Have I fallen in his path?

Does he drown me in canal?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out of water?