Original subtitles

It was boredom at their sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what is that saying?

Before then, I'm not still ideal.

I'm not gentle or gentle.

So the question should be, what does it...

Peggy, I know you've had it at least 20 years.

In fact, I can prove it. We have a picture somewhere of us all on holiday,

you were wearing it then.

By the windmill in Lytham St Anne's, the camera does not lie, Peggy.

Yes, well, it may at times make a person look more rotund than she really is,

but it knows the effect we cause these ones.

Right, I will.

I'll get Malcolm to dig it out.

Bye, Peggy.

I've done enough digging, thank you very much.

Mind you, don't scratch the new fittings.

Finished, have you? But they can't be.

Right, well, I want you to find a photograph.

Now, there's you and me and Peggy standing by a windmill, and she's got

coat on.

She says she's only had it about 15 years, but that picture was taken only

years ago.

Picture? A slide, it would be. One your father took.

You'll be about ten.

One of your socks is rolled down.

You always looked a mess.

Still do.

Actually, I've been meaning to sort through those slides anyway.

There's some good ones of birds, haven't there?

I don't want you sorting through.

I just want you to find that one. Then it can get going again on the gazebo.

It's not a gazebo. It's a greenhouse.

I've told you, I can't. Ready makes an order till Wednesday.

Just happens I'm ahead of schedule.

Well, that's one for the record books.

So why not get it now?

Ready mix? Oh, sure, I'll nip round with a couple of carrier bags. Mother, it

has to be delivered.

Well, then bring them and say you want it today.

But I don't. I've got the whole week off and I just might go somewhere.

Oh, yes?

Yeah, I was thinking, what are you doing?

I'm getting rid of this lot.

Mother, they're to cover the concrete to stop it drying too quickly.

Well, you could have got clean ones.

David?

What?

Aren't you?

He's got a key to this place, has he?

Well, it's just that we might be meeting him if I'm late in.

Rather than him having to sit outside in the car, he can be... Warming your

slippers? No, warming the bed.

No, and don't be funny.

Anyway, what are you doing here?

You were home last weekend.

Thought you said you could only make it back once a month.

Alison offered me a swap.

She was due the long weekend, but she said it's no use to her.

The cost of the bomb to get home to Dalkeith meant she hasn't even got time

the hooter bagpipe and she has to be at the staff level.

What about Dalkeith? Wales. Next question, please.

Oh, don't change. Oh, I did. I crew. I got the 650 from Houston. Brenda, shut

up. Oh, that's rich.

I head all the way back here at the first opportunity to see if my sister

help in letting out the skirts or anything.

And all she can do is call me David and ask me geography questions.

Coffee! We've run out.

Oh, brilliant.

I knew you couldn't manage without me. I'm going down the shops later.

In fact, you could go now.

Oh, will you let me get my dress?

What's the book?

Are they after you with it? I promise you won't tell me the ending.

Peggy's wearing sunglasses.

Heaven knows why. We saw no sign of it the entire fortnight.

Yes, OK.

Ah, look at that.

Found it?

No, no, it's a puffin. That time me and Leonard went to Anglesey.

Oh, you'll be weak for this rate.

Sorting as I go, birds, bikes and others.

I see.

That certainly put me in my place.

All right, bird, bike, others and mothers.

I really can't see them.

They'll go back in the cupboard and never be seen again.

Why you and your father ever took those fly things, I'll never know.

Here's one Leonard's taken when we were camping up at Rufford.

I'm lying under the bike.

I remember it now. I'd just got the Villiers. I'm not surprised.

The toilets of that farm were disgusting.

The Villiers is a bike. Well, at least an engine.

The bike was a commander, I think.

Must get that projector out. You'd be better finishing the gazebo.

I told you I can't. I'm going away.

Definite now, is it?

Might go to London.

Uh -huh.

Little Miss Muffet's still there, is she?

My, they'll take anything in London.

Ah, here we are.

Is this the one you wanted?

Well, let's see.

Has she the tweed coat on?

It's two birds.

Yeah, they're a couple of rough -legged buzzards.

That was not funny, Malcolm.

What's all this about then?

Well, just look at it. The place is a mess.

Why don't you go out more?

Come and help me choose.

I need paint as well.

What, me?

No chance.

How about Dave the Rave?

He's a very sensitive sort of person. He has thrones to help, actually.

Well, there you are then.

Are you ringing?

Malcolm? He doesn't know I'm home yet.

You'd better rescue me.

I think they'd like something sort of soft and peachy.

Oh, hello, Malcolm.

We're just talking about you.

Hello, Brenda.

Hello, Malcolm.

Sorry. I never get that bit right.

You need practice.

He's just picked me up.

And Pam's going to decorate?

Yeah. And what's worse, she's looking for volunteer helpers. So we'd better

organise something and fast.

Oh, right. I'm useless with a roller.

No, I mean organise not to be available.

Oh, we could hide out at our place.

I'm sure my mother will be around and she sort of puts a damper on things.

Where is she now?

Gone to a meeting. Liso Lighthouse Preservation Society.

What's he going to do, pickle it? Actually, I've got something to show

Oh, yeah?

Well, hey, Mark, you'd better tell me what it is, because you know my

imagination runs wild when I'm cap guessing.

Slide. What, slide for your hair or slide for your climbing frame?

Neither.

Wow, this is exciting.

I've already sorted some out I thought you might be interested in. I can't

I'll just, er, I'll close the curtains.

Now I know what you're up to. Just press that button on there.

Oh, no. Press this. A cocktail cabinet will slide out. That'll turn into a

bedroom and get James laughed on the stereo.

I think so.

That's what happened last night.

Oh, well. Can't win them all, eh?

Right.

Last night?

Yeah. This fella came into the shop for a pair of hush puppies and asked me to

go back to his place for a scream test.

But you couldn't scream loud enough.

Oh, you've heard it. You told me that one two months ago.

My memory's going.

Right, well, let's test it with some of these, then.

Australian guillemots.

Uh, guillemots, yeah, you're right.

Next.

A large oyster catcher on his holidays.

What did that mean?

Hang on a minute. Let's have a look at that one again. Who was that fella?

Leonard.

Maybe I should turn the handle and you just sell the choc -ice, is it? I've

other things on my mind.

Like what?

Like what to do with the weekend.

Rub it till it's strong again.

Remember.

Yes, Mark.

I've only been back a couple of hours and I've already been told to shut up

twice. Only twice?

Oh, that's it. I will not talk again, ever.

Promises. Oh, no, she's back.

Malcolm, are you in there?

Yes. How can we never get an hour on our own?

I called at the garden centre to see if there was something.

I've got the curtains drawn.

Oh, I see.

Hiya, Marge. We're looking at slides.

Oh, yes.

Isn't it customary to have the projector switched on?

It was getting hot.

Not us.

I thought you were in London.

Close for the weekend.

Malcolm, I've ordered some shelving for the gazebo.

And some plants.

Do you think you can pick them up?

What's the point? It's not even built yet.

Come on. If we stick around, she'll end up doing things.

Oh, and I saw a lovely urn in Pickering's yesterday.

I'll pop round after lunch.

I take it you're not going away.

So why not get the base laid today and finish off tomorrow?

Then you'll be free for the rest of the week to do whatever you like.

shelving yes I know he said Wednesday but he's

ready for it now well if you possibly can

I wasn't talking to you. Just deny everything.

There's sandpaper and there's a block.

You can start on the door, Jan.

Brenda, you can wipe down the paintwork.

Where are you going?

Forgot my dinner money, mate. Come back here and get a block from the rag bag in

the kitchen.

David's in there, is he?

You can give Malcolm a hand.

He'll need a brush.

With a very long handle.

Can you pass me back there?

Yes, miss.

Oh, it's empty.

Well, I'll have to get them.

I'll go.

No, you won't. I'll go. I've got my bike.

It's only round the corner. You two get on with that.

Yes, miss.

I'll be back.

Stop on that corner up there. You'll need

the ladder.

What are you doing?

I'm driving.

Bitch. I'm coming. I'll tell Miss. She'll attack me under the dust sheet.

You'll never.

There's still time.

I'm right.

Terrible, isn't it?

I don't know. I've never been camping before.

No, I mean having to sneak in here every time your sister goes out.

Yeah, she's a bully, isn't she?

I know.

I've suffered it for years.

In silence.

Well, almost.

Do you want me to console you?

Made her laugh.

That was quick.

Huh? Oh, it's David.

Just a minute, darling.

I'm not dressed.

Oh, come and get me.

Oh, cute.

Hello. Hi.

Decorating? What makes you think that?

Pam's gone for some turds, right?

We were just filling in till you got here.

We started the stealing?

On the pint there.

Where are you going?

Up there.

Malcolm's not feeling too well. He's just got in from Mel's and he's

from jet lag.

Will this do?

Yeah, OK.

Or shall I move further along?

If you like.

Well, it's just I can see the bike from down there if we go to the end. Yeah,

OK.

I suppose.

Right.

a decision?

I don't know.

What do you think it is?

You always rabbit on about things instead of just doing them.

Sorry. Oh, don't be sorry.

Okay, I'm not.

No, I'm sorry.

You are?

I've never known you sorry before.

It's just that I feel so let down.

I've come all this way just to...

Well, you know what I mean.

So we can be together?

Yeah. Two of us.

That's right.

We need to get away on our own.

There's no chance.

I spent my last penny on my train ticket.

And I've just cleared out my account behind a new arc welder.

So we're stuck here.

Of course, it doesn't have to be the wrist.

Right. Well, we just want to be on our own, don't we?

Yeah. It's a rifle, let's go.

We've only just got here. Push on being decisive.

I mean, I know you've never done it before, but really, it can be great fun

provided the weather holds out. And if you don't like it, well, we can come

back, can't we?

Right, then.

When we get to your place,

I'll stay down below with the engine running.

Yeah, Ken.

Don't forget your wellies.

There's no one in, love. Oh, it's my house.

Hold this, would you?

Look, missus, I'm in a hurry. They stuck this one on me lift last thing.

It is you, isn't it? No, my son's actually.

He'll be back soon.

So where do you want it?

Around the back.

So do I back it through your living room or squirt it over the roof?

There's no need to be offensive.

Has it got a wheelbarrow? Yes. Say no more. But I only brought it from

Pickering's last week. I mean, I don't want that stuff stuck to it. It'll spoil

the gal when I find it.

If it's not back to, stick some old sacks on it and keep it down.

Great spot, isn't it?

If you like grass.

Don't you?

It's a safe shift.

What's this?

Oh, it's a larder. You can get off the ground, stop things getting at the food.

What's this?

It feels nice, bold, you know.

No, I don't know.

You said it was just going to be me and you. You never mentioned company.

Oh, lads, we're getting a tent.

Oh, they're amazing.

I don't want to be amazed.

Everything's going to be fine.

Believe me, you'll love it.

Fresh air.

Country walks.

Early bed.

You what?

Don't want to waste the battery, do we?

Oh, you do conjure them strips as well.

Where did you get the water?

River.

Hey, I've just seen fish swimming in that.

It's pure anyway. Now it's boiled.

A little taste of boiled fish.

Let's try it.

What's this?

Well, oh, CB radio.

Needs new batteries.

Some birders haven't keeping in touch when there's something special around.

Don't you use it then?

Did when I first got it once or twice.

But it's not really your style.

No.

So, what do you think, then?

What about?

Camping. I don't know yet, do I?

Where's the toilet?

There's one in the outhouse by the barn and a tap in the yard. Only cold water,

mind.

What are you looking for?

Someone to plug me air dryer in.

Brenda, I'll fan you.

Just relax.

Wind down.

Let it all hang out.

What time is it?

Doesn't matter. We've got all the time in the world.

Just lay back.

And think of England.

Idiot.

But this is vitally important.

The cement is on the path.

I mean, I've covered it, but I don't think... I'm very sorry, but we're in

middle of decorating.

They must have stopped somewhere on the way.

Pam, could you pass that half -inch brush to me? OK, I must go.

Who was that?

Look, if they arrive here, I'll get Malcolm to ring you. Goodbye, Mrs

Sorry, love.

What's the problem?

Well, Malcolm's building something and the cement's arrived.

Sounds all right, old fusspot.

A couple of bags of clementa aren't going to come to any harm.

Unless it rains.

Well, she says it's covered.

So how did you get started on this camping life, then?

Me dad.

Now, if you go just eight miles in that direction, do you know where you come

to? Norway?

No, surely.

Thank you.

I used to live there when I was a kid.

My dad was a keen fisherman.

We used to come over this way at weekends and camp on Bennettsfield where

are.

And your mum?

No, not her seen at all.

Deb used to visit us.

Check we've been in the teeth.

Go on.

What was he like then?

Your dad?

Great.

Everybody liked him.

Never very good at making decisions, then.

Well, I think it's... Shall we

stay here or shall we go to the pub?

Pub.

Happy?

I like this bit.

Play him again.

Yeah, OK.

Yes. Well, I did only get back from North today, Charles.

Still a few from the wreck here.

I'm sure we'll get the sun tomorrow.

All right, Eric, if you think it's still on.

We'll have to make a very early start tomorrow morning.

I thought we'd go to Southport first for the waders and then on to Martinmere.

We should be at the nature reserve at Mears Sands Wood by ten.

It's only a mile up the road, actually.

Now for that popping here for a pint and pint there. Good thinking.

Well, no, I assume we'd be taking butties.

There's no need.

Get the hundreds of money, don't worry.

You just do the driving and the ticking and leave eagle -eyed Eric here to do

the spotting.

Did I tell you I had a couple of mega -tics this week?

Yes, you did mention it.

A little whimperl.

And a rose -coloured starling.

Yes, Eric. He said I have to spend over four hours completely rigid for the

wimple.

Four hours, he said?

They'd be twitchers.

Don't you like twitchers, then, Malk?

They're OK.

Just not in my scene, that's all.

But surely once you've seen all the normal birds a couple of dozen times,

got to be keen to spot a rare one.

Have. Not spot. You have a rare bird.

So do you.

I don't know.

Suppose if a short -toed lark or something popped up in the long grass

there, I wouldn't actually look the other way.

Nor would I get the next plane to the Philly Isles if one turned up there.

You want some twitchy stir, do you?

Yeah, crazy.

You want to see the lengths some of them go to if something really unusual turns

up. High helicopters, all sorts.

Helicopters? That's great.

Something very rare.

They're usually birds that have got blown off course. You wouldn't normally

them in this country.

Tend to get more on the East Coast.

There's a cafe in North that acts as a sort of headquarters.

All the information's written through there.

Well, if we saw something special, we should ring them.

Well, I wouldn't.

Might tell Leonard and a few others at the club.

Wouldn't want that crowd frightening the poor little fella, whatever it was.

Hey, Mark.

Hmm? Did your mum know we're here?

No, she has no idea.

There's someone else stepping up on us.

Look, a queen mind.

A meek.

Comfy? No.

See, I knew you'd like it.

Mark? What?

I think I could be a twitcher.

Not you.

Can't keep still for four minutes, let alone four hours.

Well, I'll practice one.

Now.

Brenda.

Brenda, you're asleep.

Where have you been?

Milk. I've got eggs as well.

Oh, now I know what you mean.

Are you late?

I think I'd best go back and re -read me Janet and John on the farm books.

Oh, are you freezing?

You could take a run round the field.

You could take a run and jump.

So what are we doing today then, Skip?

Er, tell you what.

I'll take you to the spot where I saw me first kingfisher.

It's an eatery zone there. Oh, May's fans would.

How did you know?

We talk in your sleep.

Do I?

Non -stop.

Amazing, that business with the gym mistress.

Gym mistress?

Unbelievable.

And you'll have to explain to me sometime how you managed to get that

in the sidecar.

See ya.

Gym mistress.

Do you have a pacing table?

We can borrow one from Mr. Hagar up there.

Right. But first... First,

Pamela, do you know what I think we should do?

What? I think... I think we should... Give the ceiling one more coat. Oh, yes,

why? Come on, it won't take long.

If it's for me, I'm not here.

OK. Who is it, please?

Is Malcolm there?

Oh, Mr Stoneway? No, sorry. Did he not come back?

Are you sure?

Well, of course I'm sure. I told you yesterday that if he showed up here...

Hello? Hello?

Crabby old boo!

There's a golden eye over there on the far side.

Oh, yeah?

Next to that woody duck?

That's right.

On the flaming sandbank.

Oh, that was feeble, Malk.

Leave the joke to me, eh?

Oh, look, there's a little grebe.

And a shoveler.

Haven't I, Lord?

I don't trust you to get the hard ones.

Look at those two. Right pair of poses.

No, they're Gadwell, aren't they?

They feed off the eel grass on the bottom.

No, I meant those two on the path.

Oh, yeah.

It's Eric and Charles.

They're twitchers. Yeah.

I heard them say they'd be coming this way.

What, me and Sam's wood?

Yeah.

Talking me sleep -doer.

Help! Be quiet.

That's him.

He hit me.

Sorry.

Right, have a recap.

First I had a pied wagtail.

Flat -cut warbler.

Five tips.

Yes. Had a ballooner grate near the car park.

Curled in a long tail in the pines.

And a willow tip.

Remember a willow?

Of course you do.

It was on the log where we saw the red pole.

The red pole?

Charles!

If they have 50 by lunch, there's no time for quibbling.

Look at that.

50 before lunch, he said.

It's their game. They call it ton a day.

The idea is to have 100 birds in 24 hours.

Except he's a stranger.

Can't be claimed to have seen Bergen, hasn't he?

Oh, you mean a liar?

Come along, Charles.

Hey, look.

What? There's a bullfinch in those bushes.

Where?

Oh, no, he's flown away.

I didn't see anything.

Well, there's definitely some sort of bull flying around here.

Did you get it?

Oh, hello.

Can I help you?

Partly.

Look, if it's the watchtower, I'm afraid we're rather busy. I'm looking for...

Oh,

I'm afraid they're both out at the moment. Pam will be back in a minute.

just popped upstairs. I'll wait.

Have you cared to come in?

Are you a friend?

Certainly not. I'm Malcolm's mother.

Oh. Did you ring earlier?

Were you here then?

Yes. Ah, I see.

And you are?

David Lynch. I'm Pamela's friend.

You're not from these parts, Mr. Lynch?

No. Guildford.

Guild... Oh.

Very nice.

Well, I'm sure you know that you could.

Thank you for... You see, I'm trying to locate Malcolm.

Ah, well, as Pam told you, we're not quite sure that... That'll be her now.

We have, Miss. Look, Mrs Stoneway, I don't know what you're expecting me to

You see, Miss Phillips, I've covered it with sacking, and I keep it damp, but it

seems to be going hard anyway.

Damp?

When we get it cracked here, you've got bags of cement on your part, and you're

keeping them damp. No, not bags. It's loose.

The, uh, you know, that lorry brought it.

Ready mix?

That's right.

That'll be concrete, not cement.

Well, aren't they the same thing?

Oh, my God. It'll be like a rock. A rock.

I've got to find him.

I can't laugh.

Thanks very much.

Bye.

Get through.

No, it seemed to be faulty.

Try again later.

No need. I rang old Hagar from the flat above and he said he'd leave a message.

What, that you've been converted to the great outdoors and won't be home till

Tuesday? Or later even.

I'm beginning to enjoy it.

Sorry, not this time.

I've got some ready mix being delivered on Wednesday morning.

Thanks very much, Mr Hagar.

They've gone camping.

Camping? Yeah, but he's no idea where.

I have.

I don't think I've seen so many different makes in one day before.

How many do you reckon?

I don't know.

Well, she'll keep score.

No, Bren, that's not what it's about.

Well, I'm going to.

But I won't show you my list.

And I won't give you the go of my helicopter either.

Oh, why don't you go join your mates inside?

Who's a raper?

Stringer. I saw them.

You know, it's people like him that give us twitches a bad name.

Same again?

Not for the minute.

I've got another phone call to make.

Another one?

Well, I wouldn't lie to you, would I, Mark?

No.

Oh, we've had a great day so far.

28.

But best of all, I've had a mega tick.

A short -toed lark.

Honest. You never get worse.

Right, first time.

But you won't tell anyone, will you?

Well, we've got to go back this afternoon because we forgot to take the

this morning.

OK, yeah. I'll see you later, then.

Bye.

Hello, is that Nelson's Cafe?

Eric Ward speaking.

Eric Ward!

Would you pass the word? I've just had a short -toed lark.

Probably still here.

Yes, yes, I'll give you directions.

Lanks.

859.

Thank you very much indeed.

Rufford in Lanks on the 859.

Here it is. It's not far from Martin Mear.

It's only a cheap and nasty one.

Hardly any range at all. Well, it doesn't matter. They just want to have a

little play with it.

Oh, good one. There's a newsagent just down the road.

All right.

Hello, Bernard.

Alistair. We've just had a short -toed love.

There's a great thing about this area.

It's the peace and quiet.

Nothing ever happened.

At Rufford, on the A59.

OK?

Short, total out.

Rufford in length.

OK. We'll see you then.

Anyway, like I said, the early bird gets the work.

Anyway, it's not spotted out in Mearsounds Wood this morning, but it

before we could get to it first.

Doesn't that, sir, Charles?

Did it?

I mean, it did. A couple of other birders have seen it. They're away

now. A chap on a motorcycle combination.

Is there a report back here?

Well, yes and no. He didn't see them as reliable of types.

Best operate from last confirmed sighting. Which was?

Mearsounds Wood.

Roger. His name's Eric, actually.

It's an albatross calling all birders. Stand by for your grid reference.

Last sighting of the short tow. Henry.

4 -4 -8.

4 -4 -8. I repeat, 4 -4 -8.

One, five, seven. Cool. A short -toed. Did you hear that? What a coincidence.

Why? Well, they only mentioned a short -toed log yesterday.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Who was that talking?

Not sure.

I think he said his name was Albert Ross.

Right, you can read a map, can you, Brent?

Yeah, cool.

Is that far now?

Oh, look at that.

That'll be the police chasing Bonnie and Clyde. Who?

You mean Malcolm and Brenda.

Well, I honestly can't see the point of us waiting here. I think we ought to go

straight on up there. There's enough.

Hey, Lieutenant!

Well, come on. What are you waiting for?

Yes, dear.

But if you don't mind, I would, uh... What seems to be the problem, Mrs.

Stonway? Well, I would appreciate it if you could just, uh... Well,

let me out for a minute.

I'll be decorating.

The minute that sister of yours appears back on the scene, what do we get?

There. Very lovely.

Hi, love.

It's there. Well, let's go.

What about it's there? We can come back for it once we've talked.

if you're following us.

What was all that about?

We'll have to move on.

Then it'll never let us see you another night after that little lot.

You let go of them front guys, will you?

We'll just tuck everything in the sidecar.

She's a fallout.

You've no right to leave without telling me. You've no right to change the

order. Without telling her. You keep out of it.

No, she won't.

Yes, she will.

Malcolm, we now have a pyramid in the middle of the drive.

You've got to get back to moving. You've ordered it. You move it.

You change at Ormskirk, then Central.

You'll be home in an hour. But the pyramid!

I'll be home Tuesday.

Just leave the front gate open. Maybe someone will net it.

This is all your fault.

Mother.

Is that your mummy, Annie?

Brenda!

Brenda!

Sorry, did you get rid of her in the end?

Well, you should have seen her. You were so forceful, weren't you, Mal?

I think you should have brought her.

Sorry you were troubled. I'd sooner be sitting here than decorating.

Yes, nice, isn't it?

Still, it mustn't get too comfy. We're headed for another little spot I know

this side of Parbold.

Hey, why don't you come?

There's no tent.

We'll use their frock.

Do you want to wake up and...

Knock it off, you two.

I think it's time we left. Yeah, we'll be going too.

No more CV and no more twitches.

Spoke too soon.

Excuse me, do you mind if I speak to... Feel free.

Weren't you here at lunchtime?

Yeah. And is it true you had the short -toed lock?

No, Paul. We had chicken in a basket.

What a day.

I suppose camping's okay.

Oh, okay because of now or okay because of the rest of today?

Well, you've got to admit it, Mark. It wasn't boring, was it?

Well, not with you around.

Calling all birders. This is Albatross. Repeat, Albatross.

New quarry sighting. New quarry sighting.

That by the map reference.

I say, that by the map reference. Switch it off.

Bye -bye, Albatross.

at last.

Yeah, and I do like camping, Malk. Well, no more chasing round, eh?

I'll try not to.

Isn't that a skylark?

Yes.

Eh, you don't think it could be the short -toed? No, it certainly couldn't.

Come here.

Hey, Malk, it's certainly away with the birds.

What do I mean?

You are away with the bird.

Brenda. What?

Come on.

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out?

So what do I say in him?

Am I dazzled by his style?

Has he made my life...

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh