Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one, Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not the right deal. I'm not gentle or

genteel. So the blessing should be what does it.

That room of yours is a tip, an absolute tip.

Does it ever cross your mind to put something back in your wardrobe?

Obviously not.

Or even, just as a novelty, put a book back on the shelf.

Heavens, no. We're far too busy to do that.

True. Why, it's so long since I've seen your carpet, I've forgotten what colour

it is.

It's red. Oh, thank you very much.

Live his own life, he says.

Privacy of his own room, he says.

There's no need for you to go in there. Well, somebody has to tidy up sometime.

Otherwise you soon won't be able to find a bed.

Why, just crossing to close your curtains is like scaling the Orinoco.

The Orinoco's a river.

Oh.

Don't be flashing your CSE geography at me, Malcolm Solway.

That room is a bin.

And I know you never go under the bed.

Well, I prefer to sleep on top.

Well, I've been under.

You know what I've done?

A balaclava.

Three slippers, all left feet.

Auntie Peggy's Christmas present, which you haven't even unwrapped.

Aftershave. It's always aftershave.

And this.

It's not mine.

It's certainly not mine.

It's probably Brenda's. Probably?

How many other waifs have we let sleep there?

What's more to the point, it's now more than a month since that girl stayed,

which shows how often you tidy up.

And what sort of a girl is it that leaves her frill thralls lying about,

she's a guest on respectable premises?

Doesn't even miss them, it seems. Have you forgotten?

Aunty Peggy moved in on her in the middle of the night, so she had to... I

have to explain.

I'm living my own life. I've told you that. And if I can't do it here, I'll do

it somewhere else. That's what I'd like the lot be, I wonder.

Whatever I choose.

And if I want to, I'll spend my evenings lying under my bed wearing three left

slippers, a balaclava and a bra.

Excuse me, madam, just take a look.

Excuse me, madam, just take a look.

What do we say, to take a daily newspaper?

No, never.

Erm, an evening paper?

No, no, one minute, Woody.

Frank, would you spare a moment?

Do it.

Do you take a daily newspaper?

A newspaper!

Or just on Sundays.

Eh?

I'll have to move.

She's just impossible.

Well, move then.

Yeah, I will.

You'll feel much better once you've cut the strings.

I mean, I'm taking a week's leave from Friday.

Back to Hemel Hempstead?

Where else would anyone want to go?

True.

The first few days, it'll be great.

Then it'll start with you and half -looking Finn, you know.

You eating enough up there?

That ankle's got a bit grey.

Well, then I know it's time to ring you to check the train times.

Yeah, you're right.

This morning I got, what's this bra doing under your bed?

Have you been hiding something from me?

No.

I'd better be off.

What's the rush? I mean, we've got half hour, haven't we?

Are you looking for someone?

Me? No.

In that case, I won't tell you. Susan's sitting at the next table.

Susan? Where did you know? I think she saw you first.

What's it to be then?

You going to come round here or shall we come round there?

I think I prefer option three. You come round here and I'll go round there.

Clever. I'll tell you what.

You come and join us and I'll get coffees all round.

Wow. Not for me, thanks.

Just the two of you.

Does he never give up?

Not him.

He'll wear you down just like water dripping on a stone.

Well, that's not your style.

Well, you know me.

But first, you don't succeed. Give in.

Oh, no.

I'll persevere.

Not like Terry.

A different sort of drip.

You said it.

No, I mean it. Oh, never mind.

How's your little girl, Brenda?

Brenda? She's fine. She's got a job.

Good heavens.

Just for a few days, standing in for a friend.

Did you not see her as you came by, corner of Paradise Street?

Can't say that I did.

Looking for customers.

I told her about the day.

She'd done it before.

No, but she says there's nothing to it.

The only difficulty seems to be getting a representative cross -section.

That's very democratic of her.

Well, the firm stipulated.

The firm?

Yeah. She was telling me that the only trouble she seems to be having is with

socio -economic group A stroke B.

She'd be better off on Dale Street.

Oh, right, businessmen. Yes, that's what I said. But apparently you have to

stick to your own particular patch.

Of course. I believe things can get quite nasty if you encroach on the

of another... another... Canvasser, yeah.

Canvasser.

Sorry about the mess.

Yeah, it's a bit cramped for you, isn't it?

I thought I was looking for something bigger. I thought, would Brenda not wake

him? Quite.

You're carrying more than your fair share.

Oh.

See what you mean.

Lovely.

To... A.

To what?

Pamela.

David. Let me take my card here.

And I'll put a record on.

You'll never get your head through that little hole.

What are you doing here?

Mommy lunch hour.

What's your excuse?

I happen to have the afternoon off.

And you, Superman?

I've taken it. It's none of your business.

Sorry, I can't stop asking questions.

Look, carry on. I'll stand in the corner and take notes.

You'll have to do something.

Oh, great.

Has she shown you the one where she puts on a brownie uniform and does original

things with an egg custard?

Oh, Pamela, don't be tight.

I'm looking for ABs.

You don't happen to have one lying around here somewhere, do you?

ABs? You're talking about occupation class.

Managerial stroke professionals.

Well, vice versa, I suppose, though. It's none of my business.

What are you on about?

It's for my survey.

Oh, look, just lend us Clark Kent here for ten minutes.

And then I'll go away and I promise I won't come back till midnight or 8pm,

whichever happens first.

Midnight.

I'll make a change. You stay away till midnight.

Midnight Friday.

Are they?

Well, nine minutes then.

Eight. Oh, right.

If it'll get rid of her. Oh, isn't he sweet?

Right there.

Which, if any of the newspapers mark 828, do you purchase on a regular basis?

C.

Well, it depends.

Don't know.

And what do you consider the paper's A, most reliable, and B, least reliable

features?

Oh, well, I'd need to think.

And you're buying the wrong paper.

What? It's just a joke. Some interviewer. You're supposed to be

I am, compared to you.

She's a passionate one, isn't she, David?

What? Well, didn't you know?

One glass of that stuff and she's anybody's.

Two and she gives green shield stamps.

Listen. I think I might be able to do something for you.

Something painful, I trust.

You do want a job, don't you? I mean, something more permanent than this.

Of course I do. Why?

Well, I have a few connections. I'll see what I can do.

That's very kind.

You don't deserve that anybody should put themselves out for you. What do you

want me to do? Knuckle me four locks? Just be grateful, that's all.

Thank you kindly, sir.

Yes, well, let's get back to this questionnaire, shall we?

My favourite newspaper's most reliable feature.

Well... Financial matters, I suppose.

Though lately it's not done very well at estimating market trends.

Some blue chips have dropped right through the bottom.

Ah, well, it sounds like you've been using too much vinegar.

And have one yourself.

Salad?

£1 .75, please, Josh.

Yep. Thank you.

Cheers, lads.

There we are, then.

Right.

Well, er... Right.

Hey, did you know there's a nature reserve out at Seaforth, beyond the

Amazing, eh?

I'm off, thirsty.

Thought of going up there.

Apparently they've got a couple of permanent hides.

Dead of Ross's gull there back in January.

Twitchers poured in from all over.

Twitchers, you know.

These mad keen types will travel anywhere for a rare bird.

Like you.

Well, cheers.

Have a good day.

How did your, um... Did you meet your target? Did you meet yours? And don't

I saw you.

Saw me?

Munching a carrot with super rabbits.

Oh, lunch with Susan. I was only with her a couple of minutes.

Don't give me that. I saw you sitting there all doe -eyed and droopy.

It was like a wet wedding for you on Watership Down.

Yes, well, if you'd looked a bit further, you'd have seen Terry coming

the coffee. When he came back, I left.

Terry? Yeah, he's stuck on a...

Gradually wearing her down.

Is he?

Well, don't expect me to feel sorry for her, cos I won't.

They've gone out tonight.

Oh?

So, looks as if somebody owes somebody an apology.

OK.

I accept.

How did it go?

I still need more managerial professionals.

I thought you said it got to be all handed in tomorrow morning. It has.

So where will you?

Here. Here?

Yeah, there's plenty.

He's a good manager.

He's been diluting the ale for so long, he's managed to make us all pee total.

Oh, don't stop there. What about Cedric?

Good thinking.

Cedric's a professional, isn't he? A professional slug.

But I think I'll start with, guess who?

Who? You.

Me? And for the purposes of this exercise, Stoneway, you are a part -time

and full -time manager of the Meld While You Wait massage parlour and second

-hand cycle exchange.

What's this, newspapers?

It's my first time, Your Honour.

Right, sir.

As a High Court judge, which is your favourite newspaper for calling the

in?

Bigger flat.

I'll just keep this one and have smaller people.

Don't start.

OK.

But it is a bit strange that it's only these past few weeks it's suddenly got

small.

Hasn't got anything to do with Clark Kent, has it?

David did happen to remark that things were a bit cramped, and he's right.

Oh, that's rich, coming from someone who's used to getting changed in a phone

bot.

David is doing all that he can to get you a job, so don't be so bitchy.

Pardon? Why is he?

Well, I don't know.

No damned rude to him. I think one day he'll just thump you.

He wouldn't dare.

He's probably heard about me blackbelting Harry Carey. That's

It would be for him.

I suppose he realises that if you had a job, we could afford a bigger, smarter

place.

And he'd prefer to be meeting you somewhere better than this.

I suppose so. Fine. So it's self -interest.

It's OK.

It fits, you see.

It's just I was a bit worried you was going all true, what's it, and ruining

image.

So?

So?

Pamela, it is extremely not Christmas.

Oh, this?

For you.

Me? You dropped it in at the office, asked me to give it you.

I think you're a cracker, Em.

Isn't that pathetic?

Yeah. You're not supposed to agree.

Well... Go on, then.

You OK?

Yeah, great.

Come here.

How far did it get?

Almost to the end, but it was really boggy. It's better here.

What were you talking about?

I was just pointing out a gull I'd spotted.

Oh, right.

Which one?

It's gone behind the bag now.

It was a rocket gull.

Oh.

A what?

Er, Brenda, I think it's time we moved on.

OK.

Enjoy, you lot. Black collar, red legs.

You can't miss it.

Brenda? Oh, what's the rush?

Rush is gone, you're crazy.

Chances of seeing one of them round here must be a million to one.

But a dead honest.

Black collar, red legs.

Just like me grandad.

I suppose so.

Everything all right?

It's just old Pamela.

She's on about moving.

But it's not her.

It's dodgy David talking, isn't it?

You don't want to move? No. But she says fine.

She'll move anyway.

Couldn't you manage to do that on your own?

It's not unless the job you get him is churning on little hoods.

I bet you could sell my crackers.

Come on, it can't be as bad as all that.

You don't know half of it.

I used plastic money to buy presents last Christmas.

And I'll still be paying it off in pension.

Oh, I know, I'm stupid.

But you can't give cheapo presents to people who buy you good ones.

Even the government knows that.

Well, things could turn out OK.

Could they?

Yeah, well, if Pamela did move out and you wanted someone to, er... What?

Well, you know, if you were stuck for someone to, you know... No, I don't

I don't want to say anything at the moment.

You haven't said anything for me.

Nearly ready.

No hurry.

I overtook little and long on the way over here.

Oh, little and long. Very good.

Before they arrived, there's something I wanted to tell you. Well, two things,

actually. Good news?

Excellent news.

This afternoon, I finally cracked it.

Oh, we've achieved a superglue in the cupboard.

No. I've tied up the deal with Den Haag Industries that will net a cool... Well,

make quite a lot of money. Den Haag? Yeah.

The Holland job.

So, I'll need to spend some time over there.

Oh, when?

I'll be going Friday.

Oh. Oh, come on, Pamela.

It's only been for a couple of weeks.

And there's the other good news.

It's all fixed.

When I get back, you won't be so cramped.

Great, you've got Brenda a job.

Quick, Mark, get in. That was a lousy piece of parking. What do you mean?

What about a car?

Oh, was it a plane? No, it's Clark Kent.

What car?

A big posh blue one with a silver stripe down each side. In fact, now, one

side's got two silver stripes.

Take no notice.

You should know her by now.

Anyway, it's only a little scratch.

It better not be.

All right, we'll lengthen it.

Just kidding.

Do you want to see?

Why I should ever put myself out for people like you, I'll never know.

I know, she doesn't deserve a job.

Yes. Although I don't know why I bother.

Anyway, I've something to say, so if you'll all take a seat.

Where to?

Now, do you think that you could cope with a job in a shop?

Just about.

Yes, you probably could. Doesn't really call for much upstairs.

On the ground floor, is it?

Upstairs, meaning up here.

Oh, I see.

The only problem is likely to be accommodation.

Do you have any friends in London?

London?

Got you one in?

Yeah.

So, did you sleep on it?

Yep. And? You must think I'm a right mug.

So, you're not going to take it, then?

Yeah, I am.

Are you going to be able to cope?

Don't you start.

I've worked in a shop before, you know.

When? Just after I left school. I did five weeks with the Tesco checkout

Choir? Yeah, you know.

Teresa, how much is the raviolis?

Why did you leave? My voice broke.

Oh, I have to go, Mark. There's nothing for me here.

Well, there's me.

It's hard enough.

I've got to pay my plastic off somehow.

You know, used properly, a credit card can actually save you money because...

Sorry, it's easy for me to say, I suppose.

I was going to cut it in half, but I needed to buy my train ticket.

You're definitely going?

Definitely. Look, I'll buy your ticket, then.

There's a goodbye... Well, there's an au revoir present.

No, I'll manage.

Look, let me. I really want to.

Oh, OK.

Pleasure.

Seems a strange sort of present, though.

Not trying to get rid of me, are you?

What, so I can go into Super Rabbit? No.

No, she's spoken for, honest.

Terry? Yeah, finally worn her down.

That's amazing.

Does she know?

What, that it's Memel Amstead?

Well, yes, but she's very broad -minded.

When do you start?

Monday.

But I'll need the weekend to sort out somewhere to stay.

Will you miss me?

Just a bit.

Yeah, I will.

I'll buy you a ticket, but it'll be a return, OK?

OK.

And I'll be back for a weekend as soon as I'm settled.

Is there anything in the paper?

What? Oh, yeah, just this.

Preliminary results of a survey indicated that most people in Liverpool

Financial Times, starting at page three.

They found it most reliable for its pools forecast and least reliable for

horoscope.

That was close.

Why does it say Glasgow?

What?

I never used to play childless trips like that.

Well, I met you.

Yeah, well, try and grow up while I'm away.

Well. Yeah?

Thanks.

Thanks for everything.

It's all right.

Give me a ring as soon as you can.

And don't forget that ticket's only valid for a month.

OK. I'll come back in a weekend, as soon as I can.

My mother's going on holiday in the fortnight.

Where's she going?

Transylvania?

I'll miss you.

You'd better.

See you then.

Take care.

I will.

I'll send you some tulips.

Give my love to Hamel Hamstead.

Don't worry.

It's only a week.

I don't mind you now.

What?

Metaport Act.

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by his style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.