Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one to Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Did you like that?

I said, did you like that?

Oh, come on, Geoffrey, wake up!

Well, I thought it was brill.

I suppose it was too intellectual for you.

Do you like it here?

It's dead exciting, isn't it? It's fascinating.

We don't always... Let's just sit here and watch the telly, you know.

Sometimes we sit over there and watch it.

It's no wonder you're so tired, Geoffrey.

Because we've had such an exciting and an exhausting day.

I mean, let's see.

What have we done today?

Nothing. You've done nothing today.

That's very good, Geoffrey. I didn't know you'd have been so eloquent.

You didn't even bring the milk in off the step. Yes, I did. Then what's this?

Ah, that.

Yeah, well, I put that there.

For the milkman.

Well, he's always leaving us milk, so I thought I'd return the confidence.

Stupid. No, he's very nice.

Why'd you come sneaking in on me? Thought you might be in bed.

No. We're just winding down after another crazy and exhausting day, aren't

Geoffrey?

Anyway, you can't sneak up on me.

Cos I'm trained in self -destruct. You mean self -defence.

Do I?

Well, watch this.

Go on, attack me.

Go on, don't be frightened.

That's it.

I wasn't ready for him.

Sit and stay.

Hopeless, where did you get that thing from? Malcolm. Your birthday?

No, that's Thursday.

You'd better come up with something better than... Oh, sorry.

Better than this on your birthday.

This was just a peace offering.

Malcolm's way of apologising for being such a wally.

Why, Geoffrey?

Cos that's his name.

was your weekend?

Fabulous. Just fabulous?

Oh, what a weekend. London's just great.

Well, with everything costing an arm and a leg.

And all those yippies riding their filofaxes around Leicester Square.

You're not the trend of yourself.

Leicester Square and you can't ride a filofax. I bet I could if they had

lessons.

Do you want to hear about my weekend?

Well, I think that's something strictly between you and your doctor. Okay,

forget it. Oh, go on, Pam. I'm sorry. Tell us about it.

Oh, I'm dying to know.

So you had a really good time?

Fabulous. Yeah, I didn't know that.

So what did you do?

Well, on the Friday night, we went and saw Cass.

Damn, Jessie!

Brilliant. Then on to London.

Is that a mate of David's? No, it's a nightclub.

David's a member.

Didn't leave there till gone through.

Then on the Saturday, David had a bit of business to attend to, so I took a

cruise along Oxford Street, bought myself some lovely tights and

Tights?

their knickers with feet.

Well, actually, Pamela, I think you might find that some of the trappers are

selling them up here, off the back of the sledge, of course. Not like these,

they're not.

Then last night, guess what?

Follies. Follies, eh?

Is that like a new London word for it?

It's a show.

Fantastic.

Tickets are like gold, but David has the connection.

Does he just?

after all his efforts, he'd at least have brought them back for a cup of

Oh, he's still down there.

He's down there the rest of the week, on business.

Yeah.

So what about you?

Oh, fantastic, wasn't it, Jeff?

Actually, we didn't take him.

We left him here to guard the house.

Malcolm's already house -trained him, you see. What did you do?

Oh, me and Malcolm?

Well, you don't have to go all the way to London to live it up, you know.

We went to see a play.

it was. It was really great. Dead funny.

God, every man. Oh, Hamlet.

Hamlet?

That's right, it was very good. The ghost was a hoot.

Malcolm enjoyed it, didn't he? Well, he seemed to.

Afterwards, he stood on his feet and shouted for the author.

You know what a wicked sense of humour Malcolm's got.

And then after that, we went to a club.

Jumpers? No, no.

This is a very sophisticated kind of club.

What's it called now?

Oh, that's it. Tommy Smith.

it was ten past.

Time flies when you're enjoying yourself.

You've always been a liar, Brenda, but these days you're not even good at it.

Watch it, Pamela. Because if Geoffrey thinks you're getting at me, he's liable

to become very aggressive.

And if he ladders you tight, don't expect me to go running down to that

freezer shop for a new pair.

Freezer shop?

Where they sell fridges?

Brenda, that would be a terrible joke.

No, it wasn't. It's you losing your sense of humour through going down south

living with the zombies.

You'd be far better off staying up here with those warm north country folk

eating chips and mushy peas They're thinking up rib -tickling ways of

money out of the Social Security Sometimes wonder whose side you're on.

Yeah, so do I Hey Roy, it doesn't seem to be a 15 and a half here. I'll go have

a look in the stockroom. Right.

Can I help?

Have you got this and a yellow?

Nah, sorry, darling, only what's out.

Mind you, I don't think yellow's a good idea, really, do you?

Well, he did say.

Yeah, but you know what fellas are like. No colours, then.

Dark, is he?

No, he's sort of bearish.

Right, well, he'll be wanting a blue, then.

Fortunately, there's none.

Hang on.

You're in luck, look. There you are.

But what about the size?

What's he like?

About my build, would you say?

A bit taller and... Well, he'll be wanting a medium, then. Let's see.

Medium? Yeah, you're definitely in it.

These were 1899 till recent, but we've had to make way for new stuff.

Terrific bargain.

Got one myself at home.

There you go.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Shall I wrap that for you? Well, I wanted a 15 and a half. Actually,

gone today. Ah, well, these are made of broad, see?

Continental sizing.

And they're 14 and a half. He's more like our 15 and a half.

What size you got there?

15. Oh, that'd be about right then. Loud for shrinkers.

Which they don't, of course.

Remarkable bargain, this.

You'll see the same shirt across the street for twice as much.

Different label, different design, different material. But the same shirt,

or less.

Just as we get out by boat, see?

Thanks a lot, pal.

How's it going today, Mel?

Not so good.

Whenever I go to help somebody, they disappear.

Nuisance. Theo, you've got to keep pegging away.

Good weekend?

Yeah, fine.

Went to see Nightmare on Elm Street 2.

But the cue for Screen 1 was out in the rain, so we finished up watching Police

Academy 3 on Screen 4.

How was it the other way round?

The plane wait was very amusing.

I think I might have seen it before, actually.

What next?

Then we got some chips and took them back to Earth. Great.

Then what?

You'll never guess.

Try me.

Wi -Fi, though.

I've never guessed.

I love a Wi -Fi, though.

Brenda, enjoy.

She fell asleep.

There's a geezer over there. Looks like he might need help now. Who's that?

Hello. Oh, it's you.

How are things going to count these days?

Bubbling.

You don't get across here very often. I try not to.

Pity. Makes a change to have a good -looking woman around.

We like to see someone fresh. I don't. Do you look for someone?

Possibly. Me?

Always available.

I'm sure you are. Don't forget, there's anything you'd like me to do.

There is, but I'm far too polite to give details.

Malcolm. Oh, hello. Malcolm, you wanted to work with me, didn't you?

Me? No, I don't think so. Yes, you did. I need rest.

Oh, right.

What from?

Oh, Terry.

I think he fancies you. Nothing like the looks that he fancies himself.

He's OK. He's from M. Lempstead. Oh, yes, yes, that's a good point.

Look, we'll just keep talking until he goes away.

Oh, right.

What about?

Well, anything.

Oh, actually, actually, there's something you might be able to advise me

go ahead.

Somewhere nice we could go for a meal.

Well, I like the rentals.

No, I mean somewhere really swish, you know, take someone for dinner. Oh, I

A special occasion.

Yeah. Right, well, let's see.

Buried or not.

Well, that doesn't matter. I mean, I don't do this sort of thing often.

Well, not much at all come to that. Well, never, actually.

So this time I'd really like to push the boat out, you know.

Well, I like the Royal Cheshire out at Neston.

But if you're pushing the boat out there, I'll warn you, the water's quite

Anyway, I'll tell you what, I'll pay for the wine.

Oh, you will?

Oh, oh no.

No, no, you mustn't, because, I mean, I wasn't actually thinking... I mean,

suggesting... It's not that I wouldn't. I mean, I'd like to pay for the wine if

we were... Look, Malcolm, we can argue about this on the day.

What day?

Friday suits me. Oh, no.

Is that a driven? No, look, what I'm trying to say is... It's not me you're

taking. Exactly.

Sorry.

I was pulling your leg.

Oh, yeah, well, I thought you were, yeah.

Of course, if something should happen and you need a companion at the last

minute, I am available most Friday. Right.

You know, if Belinda goes down with housemates, Neil.

Brenda. Brenda, yeah.

So don't forget, if you need me, just give me a call.

Ready when you are, darling.

Excuse me.

It's the rear entrance if you're looking for kitchen work.

We've come for our dinner.

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid we're fully booked.

There's a cafe of sorts, I believe, several miles up the road.

Oh, right, thanks.

Just a minute.

Yes? Booked?

For tonight. I rang on Tuesday.

Oh.

I'm sure it was here.

Yes.

Perhaps so.

Are you Mr. Boneway?

Stoneway. Quite so.

And it's a table for two. That would be for you and her.

Look, have you got a cloakroom? Just over there, sir.

So.

Stop! Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The table is not ready.

We'll have a drink, then. OK.

And a rather snake bite.

RV wallbanger.

A loin...

comment, sir?

Um, I think I'll have a bodice ripper.

I'll have a knee trembler, then, in that case.

I'm sure you should. I mean, you're driving.

Just a tomato juice, then, but plenty of Worcester sauce.

There you go. Easy, Mark.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, Dr. Riddick, but I can find no sign of a booking

Oh, damn, Secretary.

I told the woman to ring on Tuesday. Mind like a sieve.

Most annoying.

Sure you can't fit it in somehow?

If you could just bear with me for a moment, sir.

It's just that we're going on somewhere at night. I do understand, sir.

You're going to come this way, sir?

Oh, thank you.

Always works.

Did you see that?

I can't see anything from behind here.

Well, I'm sure that was our table.

bottle of the Coase Hermitage.

I like a Rhone wine, don't you?

Hmm.

Not a bad place, is it?

New chap took it over a year ago, brought the standard up, and his prizes,

course. But it kicked the rep rap away.

It seems I spoke too soon.

Do you think you could breathe in and hold it for an hour?

I

suppose

it's inevitable being close to a large conurbation.

Some are bound to find their way this far now and again.

Are you ready to order, sir?

A starter, perhaps?

Perhaps.

I might want to suggest marinade of salmon, or l 'escargot chauchat royal.

I'll just have the soup, please.

Consomme, madame?

No, I'll have soup as well, sir.

And can you tell me what this is?

A breast of chicken with a spicy fruit sauce, garnished with straw mushrooms,

madam. Oh, right. Well, I'll have that, but can you skip the mushrooms and I'll

have peas instead?

Madam, it is the garnishing that makes the dish.

Why, haven't you got a cook?

I'm glad you'll have that.

And for you, sir, might one suggest again noisette de veau a la bourgeois?

Oh, that's veal, isn't it?

Oh, no thanks. It bothered me to think of what they did to the poor little cow.

Then why not take her home?

What was that?

I was addressing my friends.

Yeah, well, another crack like that and you'll be directing your wounds.

I'll just have the beef ragout, please. And a wine, sir? Oh, well, not for me,

but Brenda, would you like some?

Yeah, I'll have a Chardonnay 85.

Well, it's now Donny 85.

It's wine, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I didn't know you knew about wines and stuff.

I don't. I heard someone saying it on the telly.

Oh, God.

It's 14 quid.

Oh, well, I'll go off easy.

No, it's all right. Here's your birthday.

You remembered.

Talking of which, I've got you a present.

to sit them somewhere else. In the car park, perhaps.

Hey, do you think we should tell old Mizzo his handbag is on fire?

Actually, I wrote to the council some time ago, suggesting they'd close the

murky tunnels each evening and fix it.

I'm driving.

Go ahead.

This is going to take ages.

Yes, it's a bit depressing in these parts.

Remember Ron Batesfield? He sold up, moved out. About 3 ,000 he had.

A practice taken over by a group of the local health centre.

Proper little United Nations, that lot.

Must be a doctor.

Do you think?

Very important people, doctors. Did you know that? Oh, yeah.

Very important.

OK, go easy, Malk. It's not your fight.

Did you know they were trained in arrogance?

It's part of the course. Some of them aren't very good at it, but this one

have won the class prize.

Go easy.

It's a God's gift, they do.

Don't get worked up, you're spoilt. So important.

Just walk in, make snidey comments about people.

Don't knock, Doctor. You never know when you'll be needing one.

Well, I did need one once when they did me back in.

Especially. Keep you waiting for three hours and then tell you it's all in your

mind.

Our GP is all right, but I think he's frightened of me mother.

Who is?

Well, I'm not.

Mark, don't tell me you've defied her again.

What do you mean? You haven't come out this evening without your vest, have

No!

rid of us.

Would you give me my dinner and puddle on one plate?

I'll be a minute and I just need a hanky.

Oh, right.

Mmm.

Yes, I think you're right. The claret hasn't travelled awfully well,

particularly the last stage, from cellar to table.

Never mind. The orchisons, the rather good Krug Bollinger, which will

clear the palate.

all that's due to me this year.

I don't care what other office workers do. I don't.

All right?

Yeah.

Hey, Mal.

Make some coffee, eh?

No, you go make it.

I love it when you're forceful. Makes me go all gooey.

Now go make the coffee. OK.

Going to Holland for a fortnight.

Business? Yeah.

He must be pretty rich, your David.

Well, obviously he's not short.

If you say so.

And he wants you to go with him.

For a week.

But you're not that sort of girl.

And I must say, I think you're dead right. I mean, you can't let fellas push

around.

That's funny. Norton?

Who was I?

Oh, yeah, you and Dave the Rave. No, you can't let fellas take you for granted.

What, like you don't? Right. I mean, I'm my own boss.

I might go off tomorrow.

Or I might hang on and save Stoneway from a life of luxury.

That's funny.

On the other hand, I might just break his bloody arm.

And as for you, Geoffrey, if you carry on taking the mic, I'll be forced to

you for a certain operation to a certain doctor I know.

That's if he's out of prison by then.

I'll make it.

You hurt him, then. He's only a little puppy, you know.

Oh, sorry.

Mark. Yeah?

Thanks for me dinner.

And this.

It's all right.

Happy birthday.