Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Had a good day today?

No. Oh.

Well, it's the weather, isn't it? Gets you down.

Never mind. Dinner won't be long.

Right.

Any phone calls?

No.

Were you expecting one?

No, I just thought there might have been...

Tell a lie.

I was one.

Who was it?

Auntie Peggy.

She's organising a petition.

You know that lovely little sandstone church at the end of their road?

Well, it's not used anymore, so the council want to knock it down.

Why? To save it from the vandals.

She's sending me some blank sheets.

Blank sheets?

Yeah, for the petition.

I'm in charge of Cheshire.

I'm lucky, Cheshire.

I'll need at least 20 pages.

Oh, at least.

Oh, and I think you'd give a hand, too.

Oh, you didn't. At work.

I'm sure I could get a few signatures.

What about your friend Terry?

Well, he's from Hemel Hempstead.

Oh, yes, I forgot.

Well, he could put a crock.

I've a meeting of the Leaveslow Lighthouse Preservation Society here on

I'll get a few then.

And important ones, too. Probably worth ten times any ordinary signature.

It could be right.

Actually, there's something you can do for me. You see, Mrs Lloyd -Roberts is

taking the chair.

And do you want me to nail it down?

Malcolm, this is very important.

Our newsagents don't keep it, so... Well, I mean, you could order it, but

it would be for next month.

So if you could pick one up in town before Friday... What?

Cheshire Life.

The magazine?

Yes, you know, for the coffee table.

We've already got one. It's been there ages.

I know.

It's August 1967.

Yes, but you still haven't read it.

How's it going?

Well, these will be ages.

Will they?

Oh, dear.

I am sorry about this.

When's she due in? Any minute now.

I'm taking a notice.

I won't even listen.

Didn't you have a coat?

Yes, but like a fool, I left it in the car.

And my brolly?

We were right at the far end of the site when the heavens opened. Well, not to

worry. Look, we'll cancel this evening, eh?

Let's stay in and watch the box. OK.

Here we go.

Hiya. Hi.

Hello. Phone calls now.

Right.

Still raining?

Yeah.

Short and sweet.

Short, but never sweet.

What's up with her?

She's a bigger pain than ever these days.

She walks around all day with a face like a kid on milk.

Is there a chance of her going out again now?

Unlikely.

We'd like to have a quiet night in on our own, though, wouldn't we? Yeah.

Could make you something special.

Sounds great.

Maybe later this week, eh?

And what about Mighty Mouth?

Could you persuade her to go out and practice river jumping?

What? Don't look now, but there's something in your dressing gown.

David got soaked.

I got caught out a long way from my car.

Oh, didn't you know? You can get these little rubber pants for them now.

Don't talk, Brenda. You're not funny.

I'm only trying to help.

You know what your trouble is, don't you? You need a fella.

So do you.

She's been like this ever since Malcolm gave her the elbow.

He never.

He went back home to Mummy and I was glad... to see the back of them.

This whole town's becoming infested with wimps and wallies.

Even our postman pushes a trolley and carries a red umbrella.

If we just ignore her, do you think she'll go away? We could try.

How are the thoughts?

Sodden. I stepped in one puddle that was a foot deep.

I don't know why you bother making up all these fairy stories.

It's fine by me if you like dressing up in me sister's clothes.

I can't look within that year. Just one word of warning.

Normally, she's very understanding about these things, but she does get a bit

upset if you're ladded with surgical stuffings.

They're very late.

Just in. I thought you said George Michael had a pair. Oh, yes.

He gets his direct.

Oh, look, I'll put them on Sally, then. Oh, well, he only wears them at home,

see? Otherwise it'd be advertising, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I suppose so.

I'll see you. Right on.

That's the way to do it.

You've got a nerve.

What did the poor beggar finish up with?

A pair of stonewashed jeans, two designer shirts, a beachy sweater and an

Edmonton scarf.

And what did he come in for?

Directions for Lime Street's fashion.

And did you tell him?

No, I forgot.

Still, it's all good commission.

How much did you make last week?

Oh, about, er, 45.

That's quite good.

And 10.

Actually, some of my receipts have gone missing.

I rang GAD office and they said they'd look into it. Yeah, well, you want to do

something, mate, or otherwise you'll be getting a red card.

Yeah.

It shows that we don't care.

Yeah, well, there's a reason for that. I don't care.

It's wacky Wilson, isn't it?

Brendan, no, of course not. Oh, come off it. Now, you've been mooting about like

a lovesick sheep for the last month.

Past is new, mate. That's what you should be thinking.

I am, yeah. Of course I am.

I mean, you know, it's all in the past. It's forgotten, ancient history.

I mean, she's never really my type.

Amazingly, it lasted so long.

Longer. Six months, it was. Was it?

It's like six and a half months.

Is that so?

Well, nearly. Six months, thirteen days. Malcolm!

It's over.

You're right.

Past is new.

And this place is like Bill Draven for a naughty old man like me.

Hello? Hello.

Jumpers. No, thanks. I'm looking for... Jumpers Nightclub. Oh, yes, yes. I have

been there. I thought so.

Never forget a place.

Don't. Well, excuse me, but I want to see somebody... Is there anything I

interest you in?

You could try a shroud.

Oh, hello.

This is Susan.

She works over in the office, head of account.

Hi.

Terry. Hello.

Susan doesn't get down on the shop floor very often.

Me too.

I understand you've a problem, Mark.

Yeah, it's me who seeks you to. Yes, I was told.

Well, I did want to promise that if you had any little difficulties, it would

help. So you did.

Pardon me about that.

Well, it's not exactly urgent.

Look, do you feel like coming across the Tarenta and chat about it over a bite

of lunch? I'll treat you to a tuna salad.

Oh, well, there could be a problem there.

Could you make it tomorrow?

Oh, awesome.

Wouldn't want to tread on anyone's toes.

Thanks, Bernard.

No, it's nothing like that. Oh, right.

Right. Well, I'll see you then. Bye. Don't forget.

No. Bye.

Oh, my. Getting in amongst her balance sheets.

Oh, she's very nice. We were at school together.

And she wanted to buy you lunch?

Yeah. So what's the problem?

Well, I've bought sandwiches.

Come on, misery gutter. It's your turn.

Sorry, what do you have?

I've plenty stupid people watching.

What's your reference to the one at the far end with the dark moustache?

Not allowed.

I know that one. She works in the DHS, eh?

Other end.

Oh, is?

Let's see.

You sure it's my go?

I've just done one.

The heavy, juicy cheesecake renovator? No.

The born -again lettuce strangler.

I don't think you take this game seriously, Pamela. You always say that

you're losing.

OK, I'll tell you what. I'll give in. You can't give in. That's not in the

rules. There aren't any rules.

Precisely.

No, I've had enough. I'm going.

Anyway, you're meeting darling David, aren't you?

About ten minutes or so.

Yeah, well, I don't want to be here. You might come dressed as Martin Kane.

No, thanks. I've got one.

What's this?

It's for alcoholics.

Alcoholics synonymous.

Not exactly.

It's for apprentice alcoholics. What?

Where did you spring from?

I was in the other bar.

You on your own?

Me? No. I'm sat here with two SS fellas. They're just quite fast. Just wanted a

word, that's all. All right.

About your sister. She's just gone.

Yeah, I know. I was watching from through there.

Watching us? You mean, buying?

Are you fellas listening to this?

I'm wanting a word with you, on your own.

Look, if you're on the sniff sunshine, you'd better forget it, because I'm a

friend to me. Pamela, listen.

Is Brenda going out with anyone at the moment?

You cheeky beggar. What do you think this is, Renta Wilson?

Not for me.

For somebody else, I guess.

We're... Malcolm.

What? Pamela, hear me out.

Has Brenda fixed herself up with anyone since they split?

There's been a few, but they never last.

Our Brenda's got mouth problems.

Between you, me and the SAS there, Malcolm was the longest.

In time, that is.

And what's she like at the moment?

I mean, is she happy?

Happy? Well, you know, life and soul of the party.

Popular, cheerful.

Yeah, fantastic.

She's about as popular as Edwina Curry in our chip shop.

See, he's the same.

He's lost interest in everything, and the way he's going, he's likely to get

push from work soon.

What are you leading up to?

Well, it's just that they're both a bit of a pain in different ways.

But at least when they're together, they're not so bad.

I don't get this.

I'd never have marked your card as the soggy old romantic.

I just wondered whether there was anything we could do to get them back

again. No good suggestion. It should go mad.

Yeah, but what about if they just happen to meet up?

Oh, accidentally.

Yeah.

They first met in here, didn't they?

Yeah. I suppose it could happen again.

I might pop in here one evening after work with Malcolm, then suddenly

something and have to leave.

And you could arrange to meet Brenda here on Thursday, say at six.

It's just possible.

Right then.

So we've got a plan.

What are you whispering for?

We don't want the SAS.

I hear of all places.

Good as anywhere.

I thought you were more into fun pubs these days.

Yeah, well, I get a bit loud.

This place is sort of more traditional.

Two pints of lava, please, my lad.

Shall we sit?

I've seen you stand.

Oh, come on.

I've been standing all day.

So? Might as well carry on standing, haven't we?

Did you get things sorted out at lunch?

Oh, very good. Headless, aren't you? What about Susan?

Cannelloni. Had she sorted out your receipts?

Oh, yeah. Well, no.

Well, I mean, she got them to run a check on last week, but the computer

they were all correct.

Computers. Well, they're like judges, aren't they? Never admit their mistakes.

So, you seeing her again?

Yeah, tomorrow.

Lunchtime. Just for a chat. So I mustn't forget.

I'll remind you.

No, I mean, I'll remember to go. In fact, she said she'd ring to remind me.

I mean, I mustn't forget not to bring sandwiches.

Oh, that'd be tragic.

Well, if you do get stuck, I'll help out.

Thanks. It's Cheshire cheese and chutney usually on Fridays.

No, I mean, I'll meet Susan for you.

Oh, well, Cheshire.

Cheese? No, life. Cheshire life. I promised my mother I'd pick a coffee up.

Everywhere's closed now.

I think tomorrow.

Oh, it's too late. The meeting's tomorrow.

Is there anywhere open now, Harold? There's a paper shop by the stage door

six o 'clock.

Right. What meeting?

I'll explain later. Look, I won't be long. Thanks. OK.

Not me, pal. I'm with the RAC.

It's a good cause.

No, thanks.

You could donate one of those if you like.

I'll manage.

Go away.

What are you doing here?

Just coming for a drink.

They all say that.

Actually, I was just going.

Well, even two pints.

New shot must be paying well.

I accidentally ordered two.

I see.

How's your sister?

Late. I'm supposed to be meeting her here.

I know.

We was, I mean, I was just passing. I thought I'd look in, revive a few

memories. You know, it was the decorated.

Even give him septic Cedric and fresh coat of creosote.

Yeah, he looks a lot different.

Do you want a drink?

I thought you'd never ask.

What do you have?

Nothing. I just like to be asked.

Really? I won't let Pamela get to you.

So, er, how's the new shop?

It's great.

Better than that antique clothes show we were at.

At least I think so.

Malcolm's not so keen.

In fact, well, he's pretty low at the moment.

Low as what?

What's up with him, then?

Moody. No interest in his job.

Does he still go birdwatching? No.

Doesn't seem to do anything for him at these days.

Had some good laughs in here, though, didn't we have?

Yeah. One or two.

I think it was one.

This is where you two first met, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you think I should see the brewery?

I wouldn't have, though.

I mean, what's happened since, eh?

Not enough to laugh at.

I think we'll have a drink.

Yeah, I'll get it.

What do you want?

Vodka and lime.

Vodka and lime, please, mate.

All right.

Who is it? What?

Hannah. Yeah, no.

I mean, I don't know.

Where is she now? What's going on?

She's not coming.

I mean, I don't know.

What? Have you been talking to her? Me?

No. Well, briefly.

She set me up, hasn't she? I'll kill her.

No, no, no. You don't understand, Sue. It was my idea.

Oh, was it?

And she fixed it up for you, did she?

Well, get this.

date with you was six too many.

And I wouldn't even go to the end of this street with a disco who's drinking

pints at a time this early on in the evening.

85p for the vodka and a light, please, lad.

A cheeky little number from a sheltered spot

halfway down the Loire Valley.

Actually, a teepee little number.

From halfway down, our wine shop special offer basket.

I don't wish to know that.

Kindly leave the table.

Oh, no. I thought you'd take us away.

Like the abattoir.

Oh, so this is what it's all in aid of. Hi.

Are you all right? What happened to you?

Oh, no. I completely forgot.

We were meant to be meeting, weren't we? It just gripped me mind. Did you wait

long? You lie.

You set me up, didn't you? Me? What do you mean?

Don't pretend, Pamela.

out of the way so you and the waltzing suit here could play handsy. No, it

wasn't like that at all. Get this, once and for keeps.

If there's ten fellas on this earth that I can't stand, that mod shop Maureen is

all of them. All right, all right, get down off the roof. We were only trying

do you a favour. You've been such a pain lately.

Well, if you want to do me a favour, don't do me any favours.

What do you mean, Whit? Don't look at me.

I wouldn't, not if they were giving you away free with personal automatic.

It was Terry Milton.

I know it was Terry Milton.

Hold on, Brenda. It wasn't Terry you were supposed to be meeting.

What? Didn't he try it on with you?

Well, doesn't he always?

Climby Cody, come me. I'll murder him. Well, you and me both. Look, I don't

to interfere in your homicidal forward planning, but we've a meal going cold

here. Sorry.

Well, who was it then? What? You thought I was... Malcolm. Pamela, come on.

Malcolm, of course.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

You shut up, you.

Do you know what I'm going to do?

This.

Look, Malcolm.

I completely misunderstood what was happening.

Don't give me that. I've known you too long.

You'd chase anything in a skirt.

Looks like you ought to be taken to the vet.

Listen.

Listen,

it was all for you.

Oh, was it? What were you doing, running her in?

I was just trying to get her in a nostalgic mood.

You were pawing her. Oh, leave off now. I was only getting a... I'd like a word

with you.

I'll see you later.

Bye.

Lunch. Oh, is it?

No, I mean... Not Susan.

Oh, Susan, you've finished with Brenda. You want to take Susan for lunch now, do

you? Come on, Mal, I did explain.

OK, I'll do it.

It's all done with the best intention.

So you say.

And I did get 15 signatures for your petition.

Yeah, but they all look a bit similar.

Different names, Mel. Blimey, what do you want, Brad? Look, Terry, I'd be

if you stick to running your own love life and don't go poking your nose into

mine. I promise, Mel, I promise.

Right. Right.

Right.

So, um, you're having lunch with Susie, aren't you?

Yeah.

Can I come with you?

Give you a bit of immoral support.

You won't know I'm there.

Come on, now. I'm your mate. Terry, with mates like you, I'll never need the

other car.

No, no, no.

Well,

I suppose jumpers is all right.

If you want something that really moves, you've got to come down to my neck of

the forest.

Terry from Hemel Hempstead.

Wow. This is something else.

I don't know if it's a really good idea.

Are you fond of discos, Mum?

I organised one once for the Thurston Ornithological Society.

Not really.

It was a disaster.

No, it turned up.

Oh, lots came.

On a beach, I think, son.

It did.

On a different night.

My mother was furious.

Your mother went?

No, no, of course not. But she'd made 80 sausage rolls.

Oh, well, she would be upset.

And 40 vol -au -vents.

Oh, well, best be off. Yeah, see you later, love.

Don't worry about it. I only get spied on after dark.

That's just when he chokes.

Didn't mind.

What?

My ringing.

You can do what you like.

Oh, Pamela sometimes plays Penny Lane by banging a spoon on her head.

Tony. Who's that?

No.

I'm glad you came, Brenda.

Oh, yeah.

I'm glad you're glad, Martin.

Right.

Well?

Yeah?

I'm going to the tour.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, I thought we might try to sort of have another shot at

starting again, I've read.

Are you asking me?

Yeah.

Will it be any different?

Could be.

It's up to us, I suppose.

It's up to you.

You've got to change.

Okay. And don't be so agreeable.

I will if I want.

What? I've just been disagreeable for practice.

Well, we need coaching.

You'd better come here.

We're halfway.

All right.

Hello, Brenda.

Hello, Malcolm.

Feed the pigeons, I suppose.

What to?

You have to change as well, you know.

I've, er... What?

I've got to go in a minute.

Oh, great.

See you tonight, though.

All right.

Brenda, I've been thinking.

Will you... What?

Well, I've got something.

What?

Williams. Oh, no, Martin, don't. Sign this petition.

Have I fallen in his bout?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? Don't want to act in it.

as he made my