Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

Not gentle or genteel. So this wedding should be what I'll do.

Been to the doctor's.

Again? Fancy him, do you?

He's at least twice my age.

Can't be.

Surely he has to retire at 90.

Hey, you can do with getting yourself a season ticket for that place. You're

there every week.

What's up this time?

I'm run down, he says.

Oh, look at me here.

You know in the evening when you make the supper and you always let the milk

boil over and the pan's an horrible mess?

My skin's like that.

I wouldn't worry about it, Pamela. No -one notices.

You never get that close because of your halitosis. Oh, have I?

No.

Oh, but it's a thought.

I might help her get shut of Old Sydney.

Run down.

All that training, that's all he can come up with.

Yeah, but we know the real reason, don't we?

Do we?

Snidey Sydney, the fraudsham ferret.

I mean, you never used to be a member of Waiting Rooms Anonymous.

It's only since Cluffy started getting on to you.

If you pardon the expression.

So you agree, then?

What? That it's work that's making me ill?

Oh, well, sort of. I mean... You're quite right.

I'll just have to pack it in. Hang on, Pamela. No, you're right, Brenda.

All my problems come from being stuck all day with that whinging rat bag.

Hang about, Pamela. I've told you, it's not that easy to find another rat bag.

I mean, job.

Look, you don't have to leave.

Just warn him that if he doesn't lay off, you'll be forced to let Mrs Clough

know that her husband's idea of overtime begins with his left leg.

It never went that far.

Oh, I believe you, sis.

But his intentions were 100 % that way.

No, I've just got to get away from that place.

Hey, well, why not just take a holiday for now?

I could do it, I suppose. I've still got ten days left of this year.

Well, there you are, then. Go abroad for a week.

Could try Lourdes.

driving licence have a little plastic cover?

Yes, why?

Well, there's a job here for a van driver, but your licence must be clean.

Mother, it means no endorsement.

Then why don't they say so?

And have you?

Have I what? Been endorsed.

No, look, there'll be hundreds of people applying for a job like that. Here,

hold on, hold on. Here's one.

Clean... Kitchen and fridge, essential.

Well, that's no problem.

To do what? Peel shrimps at home.

Mother, wearings haven't closed yet, and when they do, I'll be in line for a

transfer to my shops.

Who says?

Terry. Him? Oh, I'll be very dubious.

Didn't you say it's from Hamel Hempstead?

Yeah.

Enough said.

You forget, Malcolm, you've no qualifications.

What, as a shrimp peeler? As anything.

I just think of all those little books of revision aids I bought you.

That was 15 years ago.

I know. We never looked at them.

Told you at the time they weren't relevant. We weren't even doing Troilus

Cressida.

Neither of them. No.

And what's more, you can't get an O -level in origami. Well, your father was

very good at French.

Ah, here we are.

Telly salespersons required.

Outgoing personality and ability to communicate in the Whitney area.

That's asking a lot. There's a telephone number.

Oh, yes, you're right. It is a telephone number.

Well?

There's no point. I mean... Oh, hang on.

This one looks quite good.

Kissagram stuff required.

It will be considered an advantage for applicants to have A, their own fishnet

stockings and suspender belt, and B, the ability to handle a medium -sized

python.

Malcolm, you don't seem to realise the serious position you're in.

I mean, just what are you good for?

Watching birds and tinkering with ancient motorcycles?

Could you possibly think of a more useless combination?

Let's see.

Yeah, a 150cc Coventry Eagle and a Gerrard sidecar. That's a pretty useless

combination.

on 18, please, sir. Here.

Thank you, madam.

I'll tell you what we haven't played for a while.

People watching.

People watching?

Did you know what we've never done?

Harold. I'll tell you, we've never done Harold. That's true.

So what do you reckon, then?

Ex -army.

Regular or salvation?

Both.

He was the first soldier in the Formby Fusiliers to have his rifle fitted with

braille sights.

Formby Fusiliers?

Thanks to Harold, they were disbanded. Shortage of personnel.

He shot everybody.

Right.

So, filled with remorse, he joins the Salvation Army.

Ah, I like it.

How did he get here, then?

Ah, well, one day he was playing his euphonium on Lime Street. But still, one

day he's selling the war cry and the grapes and... Oh, yeah, cool.

He couldn't find his way out.

to admit it, Mark, but you're becoming almost as good a people watcher as I am

bird watcher.

Almost? Because you've got a much better teacher than me. Don't push it,

Stonewire. You'll have one more broken nose than me as well.

Lager and stout, please.

So how's things on the job front?

I don't know what to think.

Terry's convinced we'll get a transfer to mod shops.

But me mother just sits scouring the job column in the paper.

Well, surely Terry should know.

Mine's ears from Emma Lamstead.

Exactly.

Hey, my problem is I've got nothing to offer. No training, no qualifications.

Well, you're good with your bike.

The worst comes to the worst. You can always get a job in a garage.

No, I couldn't. I hate garages. I hate them. They don't care what they do to

machines. Easy, easy.

I did use one once years ago. I had this lovely Enfield.

Needed a rebar. Came back in a terrible mess.

Chipped cooling fins, misplaced washers, nuts rounded and missing. Sounds

painful. I swore then I'd never use one again.

What's your answer, then?

Set up your own bike repair place and do the job properly. You've got all the

gear.

I could, couldn't I?

I'm not sure.

One day.

One day?

What's wrong with tomorrow?

Well, it needs a lot of thought. Oh, yeah? At least two years' worth.

Oh, come on, get me home. Misery Gus will be in bed. And Harold's trying to

our helmets.

Not having problems, is she? Oh, yeah.

Depressed about her work, her future, her appearance.

It's like living with the elephant, man.

Miss Merrick's asleep.

This must be hers, then.

Yeah.

We say she went to Sainsbury's on Sunday.

We're being horrible, aren't we?

You're being horrible.

I'm being normal.

I have to live with her, remember? In her right pain, she is.

If she wasn't my sister, I wouldn't be so tolerant.

I'd take me Woolies vegetarian cookbook and go and sponge off somebody else.

Anyone in mind?

Maybe.

I suppose I could take her out.

You've got a nerve.

Telling me you want to take my sister out.

I think I preferred you when you were all wet and wimpy.

I don't just mean me, I mean we, both of us. Oh, yeah? And play guess who's a

gooseberry? No, you'd win every time.

What about a foursome?

Well, I know she's a big girl, but she's still on the council.

Got it?

Jumpers. Is it catching?

No, it's a club in town. Now that we're part of the Mod Shops group, I've got

free membership. Could go there.

Very nice.

And me and Pam can wave at you through the window.

Which member is allowed one guest?

Oh, let's see.

And you want to take Pam?

Don't be soft.

I'd take you.

If Pam's busy, that is.

Are you looking for a thick lip?

Yours will do. Get off.

know what it's like?

Me? Oh, no, no, Terry was telling me about it. He said it's great because

there's lots of unattached, er, lots of nice girls, people.

I'm not sure it's right to let a young, impressionable ornithologist loose in a

place like that.

I'll be good, promise.

Yeah, you know we are.

But we're still left with the PPP.

And I'm going to wish I'd never asked this, but go ahead.

Pamela's partner problem.

Unless...

Oh, he wouldn't, er... She wouldn't?

No.

You don't mean it, Malcolm.

Yeah, why not?

Three reasons.

One, I don't like her.

Two, I don't like her sister.

Three, I don't like the pair of them.

What about me?

You're all right, but you can't dance.

Not for the sake of our friendship.

As a mate.

Malcolm, you're just not my type, but thanks for the offer.

Terry, be serious.

They're okay, really. It could be a good evening. You're joking.

Oh, come on.

Pamela's having a tough time with Fluffy.

She's finished with him and she needs to get back into circulation again. Look,

Mel, it's nothing personal, but I've got a reputation to keep up.

Many of my groupies see me stuck with a scally like Brenda or a front like her

sister. What? You big head. Right, that's it. Oh, Mel, look, don't

me. Melty, Melty, look.

It was a joke.

I was mucking about.

So you've come then?

Yeah. Great.

As it could be fun.

Brenda, you cannot be serious.

But I am, Miss McEnroe.

Oh, come on, why not?

Three reasons.

One, I don't like him.

Two, I don't like disco.

And three, I still don't like him.

Oh, he's OK.

I mean, I've been out with him myself once and he was a good lad.

And he has to make allowances, considering where he's from.

Hemel Hempstead.

Oh, come on, you've got nothing to lose.

Have you?

You and I both know what my problem is. And an evening having me eardrums

perforated by some screwball jock who wouldn't know a good disc from a slip

isn't going to help.

Ah, now, that's where you're wrong.

Because this is a new kind of club where people are allowed to talk to each

other, you know, with words and everything.

It's fitted with the very latest disco equipment so that if the volume gets too

loud, the DJ is automatically electrocuted.

You lie.

No, it's true. I swear I'm Auntie Bessie's grave.

We haven't got an Auntie Bessie. It's a figure of speech.

Oh, come on, Pamela.

You sit in front of that telly every night like one of the living dead.

You're becoming a zombie.

Don't just start my scene.

You'll feel out of place. Oh, you won't feel out of place.

Look, if it makes you feel better, I'll get him to do the Michael Jackson

thriller video.

Cow!

Oh, I don't know. I shouldn't let him get me down, should I?

No, you shouldn't. Mind, I couldn't go out even if I wanted to, the condition

skin's in.

Of course you could. So that's that left.

Such a mess.

Come here, let's have a look.

It's a boat night.

What? Are you lovely?

Hi. What's up?

Take a seat.

Hey, not there. You'll clash with the wallpaper.

Pam's not quite ready yet.

She's finishing with a coat of non -drip emulsion.

the Oxfam shop.

How is Pam?

Oh, still a bit depressed. Hey, don't worry. We'll snap her out of it.

Have you seen my yellow bear anywhere?

Yeah, he's here.

What is it?

It's Joseph and his amazing Technicolor Dannerack.

Well, if you think I'm going anywhere, I will. The things I'd do for a mate.

We've got to get there yet. I'll have to wear these.

What? I don't want to be seen heading through town with a walking colour

Hey, don't be stuffed.

Anyway, there's nothing we can do about it now.

We could try and sell them to some Egyptians.

Of course, um... You don't?

No. Susan Roberts.

Boy, they can't.

Oh, yes, of course.

Long time ago.

You hardly changed at all.

Just me socks.

What? Oh, yes, you don't.

You, uh, come here?

Occasionally. I've not seen you here before, though. No, well, I don't much

in for, um, you know, occasionally.

Well, I'm not very good at it. Perhaps the slower ones.

I bought a friend. She needs to get out of herself.

Which one's yours?

What? Oh, no, no, a sister's. At least it's a sister and me friend. Not the one

who needs to get out and stuff, because she came with Terry.

Although they don't actually go together, but they did come together

three men were seen with mod shots.

Then you can bring one other person.

As you like it.

Pardon? As you like it.

As I like what?

At school we did As You Like It. I remember Mr. Oakdon asked you to explain

plot. You sounded just like you did then. I need to confuse the thought.

Mr. Oakdon? He must have told.

I've lost my mind.

Oh, it seems not.

Wearing exactly what we've been over to take over

Okay,

it's time now the story by the way down

It's the young set who really know how to enjoy themselves.

Who are you talking to?

Myself, it seems.

And you?

Me? Who was the woolly bat?

Oh, it was Susan.

Susan what?

Susan Roberts, just an old school friend. Yeah, I did love pretty auntie.

Trouble with her legs, actually.

What do you mean?

Difficulty standing up. She was draped all over, yeah.

I would demonstrate the finest lift.

Don't be sorry. We haven't seen each other for ages.

In fact, I didn't even recognise her until she leaned forward and I saw her

better.

She says she remembers me in the English class explaining as you like it.

Well, I like it, Marker, and not too much lie.

Oh, right.

Same again for Pat? I should think so.

Hi. We must stop meeting like this.

The log has run out.

Aren't you going to chase it?

go out with, um, the hockey player.

Hyacinth. Right.

Long time ago. And you were engaged to Tony, um... Flunker.

No, of course, Flunker.

Strung me along for five years. Mine, from what I hear of him now, is probably

the best.

Settled in Greaseby with a wife and a small off -life to support.

He drink?

Only through excess.

Her sister.

Was he?

So, you're, um...

Unattached. I do have a boyfriend, but he works away.

Oh, right.

Hi.

Hi, yourself.

This is David.

Hello. Last thing, meet him, then.

Meet who?

The big fella, Elias.

We're moving on. This place is a bit noisy.

David knows somewhere. It's more sophisticated, you know. Yeah, it's not

from here.

So you'll be okay, then? Oh, fantastic.

I can't think of a better way of spending the night. than being stuck

own, being ignored by everybody.

I'm like a condom machine in a Cliff Richard condo.

So we'll be off then.

Oh, Pam, don't worry if you're not back home in time. I'll take your kids to

school.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Well, I might be around then.

What? Mod shops.

Oh, yes.

Mind, we don't actually go near the shops themselves.

Oh, no, no, of course not, no.

Well, I must get back.

Only Brenda doesn't like me to go off on my own in case I get lost.

Well, you can be if she doesn't. Oh, hi, Brenda. This is Susan, Susan Roberts.

Susan, this is... Hello, Brenda.

So what's been keeping you beside this?

Well, I was getting served and the lager ran out, so... So what's that?

Well, this. Oh, this is lager. No, it'd run in again. I mean... It can't. Well,

somebody will in a minute. No, you see, I asked him for one and it was all

frothy. I've been sitting there... like a preserved moose for the past 20

minutes. I've only been here five.

Nobody asked you.

I think I better go on.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I have a boyfriend of my own.

Is that so, sweetheart?

And have you had many boyfriends besides your own?

put myself out for you lot.

So much for being caring and compassionate.

Maggie's dead, right?

You get no thanks for it.

Here's me organising a night out for three workers who might be losing their

job. Hold on, hold on. It wasn't like that at all. Don't you interrupt me when

I'm ranting.

And what happens?

I'm left sitting on my own while the rest of you are coughing off with the

of Merseyside.

Look, Terry just met some old friends and Pamela, well, the blokes she was

seemed very nice.

Oh, sugar daddy David.

He's just another cluffy without the lock on his wallet.

No, I think you're forgetting the purpose of the evening was to get Pamela

into circulation again. On that score, it was a great success.

Oh, was it?

And what about your score?

What? With Susan Rabbit.

Susan Rabbit.

And I've told you, she's just an old school friend.

Actually, she works for our firm, you know.

Well, what's she doing in a gent's outfit?

No, let me guess.

She works for Mod Shop. They've taken us over. Oh, Beth.

And she happens to be a very nice girl.

Like hell.

I bet that big bunny's been round more fellas than your tape measure.

Do you really think so?

You're right.

Oh, interesting.

She said I could call and see her if I ever wanted to rise.

Well, why don't you do just that?

Perhaps I will. Listen, Stonewave, I don't give a monkey's what you do.

This has been the most disastrous evening since... since the last time I

out with you. And stop grinning.

Don't. Here you are. Use this one.

That'll go all over the place.