Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

What's up with you?

Morning, Terry.

Oh.

I'll do that. You sit down.

Thanks.

Must have been a good night.

Good night.

Oi. On your toes. It's Ambrose.

Morning, Mr. Ambrose.

Where? It's all right. He's not in today.

Late night.

Hmm. Brenda.

I thought we had to run it home.

Not from your place.

I was in my place, she was in Crewe.

Crewe? I was going to London.

Changed her mind.

You are a mug.

I am a mug.

Still. I suppose you should be glad she hasn't reached Watford.

So you're not making any progress, then?

What? You know.

Oh, impossible.

We start off OK.

Well, you know what she's like.

Compulsive messer.

Never shuts up, never listens.

Always taking the mick. Yeah, we have met.

Then by the end of the evening, that's just... I just want to go to bed.

Well, that's progress, isn't it?

Then what happens?

Malcolm?

Malcolm?

Five more minutes, Mum.

What do you think?

Ludicrous. Yeah, it is better.

You're late.

Wolfie's been cracking the whistle. Oh, I could crack his head. He's just a big

kid who wants to have his cake and eat it. Oh, I never thought of you as a

of cake.

He's gone all prissy ever since I told him what he could do with his turnip

wine. I don't want you to see me, though.

But you will remember to put those personal letters I sent you in the paper

shredder. Not the only thing of his I'd like to put in the shredder.

Come on, that's Sydney.

Smarmy slob.

And have you not sent out those claim summaries yet?

You forget that after a bank holiday, everyone gets a bit behind.

I suppose you've got more behind than most.

I thought you were going to London. It was closed.

Noah got dragged off the train by an admirer of a crew.

Pleaded with me to stay, he did.

Oh, aye. You got Muggins Malcolm to bring you back, did you? Yeah.

And his sidecar.

No, he rode the bike. You can't get two in a sidecar.

The pluffy's still giving it hard time, you say?

Oh, he's so petty.

You're too good for him, true.

He doesn't appreciate a good thing while he's having it.

Just a bloody big kid, he is.

Well, there's the answer.

Tell him if he doesn't grow up, you'll put a teddy bear in the shredder. I

just do that.

How's yours?

That's the sleeper under me pillow.

Malcolm.

He's a drip as well.

If he was any wetter, you'd have to follow him round with a mop.

We should give them both the eve.

You're right.

There again, the next along might be way. Could be violence or rub your face

when you weren't looking.

But is he right?

At least my honeythologist is well -meaning, kind to his mum, and always

his armpits.

That's nice.

Yeah. I hate fellas who smell, don't you?

Especially when you're going to be wrapped around them on the back of a

Just like Nathan a bin bag.

Which brings us back to Sydney.

I think you're the saints that put up with them, nothing less.

I just have this wonderfully kind and generous nature.

And he takes advantage.

No, Pamela, you're the fool to yourself.

She's a one -off, isn't she, Malcolm?

Once they made Pamela, they broke the mould.

You're right there, Malcolm. Broke the mould.

And with the pieces, they made three new ones.

What did you say?

What did she say?

I didn't quite catch it. People watching, we could take one each if

three new ones.

Same again, Mal? Oh, yes, please. I know.

Oh, no, Tara, not for me. I'm going after this. Don't worry, I'll have this.

It's your shout.

You never have any new ones these days.

Well, it's Mary.

Oh, we've done her.

You've done her. And I'm afraid it's none out of ten for that one, Pamela.

better have another go. Have you been talking to her? That's against the

No choice.

I was in the laundress on Wednesday, and when it came to my turn for the dryer,

she catches a ride for seven large stockings and a birdcage cover.

Bevan Stockman.

That's what it says.

One for straining the chip fat. Oh, of course.

And she's not from Southport. She's from Hale.

Hale? Hale in Cheshire.

Well, then we can call her Hale Mary.

Well, that's another thing. She calls herself Frida.

Oh, no, that's too much. She's wrong there.

She's definitely a Mary.

Mind you, write about it, Pete.

Not around.

She got him in a car boot sale in Mosley Hill.

See you later.

Oh,

put the change on the tower, Harold. Thank you.

Strange smell over there.

Yeah, we call it Cedric.

It's like stale cabbage water.

He works down the veg market and distills his own aftershave out the

Does he?

I'll get you some if you like. It'll freshen up your sidecar.

No, I mean, does he work at the... Oh, you're making it up.

Gosh, Mal, you've rumbled me.

You've been people -watching.

Just a bit.

Do you want a turn?

Not the moment. I can't compete. I still feel a bit dozy. Well, if you will,

spend your nights kidnapping innocent young girls from cosy railway stations.

I don't know why I bother for all the thanks I get.

Thanks. It's all right.

So how did you survive the day?

Terry covered for me. He's all right, you know. What about you?

I've got this trick. It's very clever, really.

If I'm tired after a late night, I'll spend the next day in bed.

It's all right, Mrs Storm.

It's one of the little luxuries this government makes available for the likes

me.

I take it you and Pamela are OK again? Yeah, we're mended.

Actually, she's got other problems with hissing Sid.

He doesn't appreciate her.

Yeah, so you said.

It does seem an unlikely relationship, though. They're so different, aren't

they? You're not wrong, Malc.

be something in the genes. This interests our family as in semi

wallies.

Much, he can't be as rude as you or he'd have called it off years ago.

Well, toot him, doesn't he?

He's got it made.

He's got a plastic wife and Labrador back home in Frodsham and his own

snog -ography here in town.

Brenda? Yes?

Pamela and Sidney.

Do they, er... No, of course not.

What a thing to say.

They're just very, very close friends.

In its own way, it's quite a stable relationship.

But they do, er, horse around.

Eh? Horse around.

Stable relationship.

Malcolm, what a dreadful joke.

Promise you'll never do that again. Sorry.

No, it's just that he takes advantage of her.

You know, she's good. Aunt Pamela, unlike lots of secretaries, she

most of her time covering up his cock -ups for a tenth of his money.

She deserves better.

How long's she worked there? Since school. Have you got 10p?

She started in the mail room back in the olden days before they decided you

needed 2A levels to carry a postbag.

And then she went to night school for a tycoon.

Hold on.

It must be ten years nearly.

So don't you think there should be a little party?

Why not?

They all smoke, too. I hate people who smoke, don't you?

No, actually, I don't. Not as much as I hate people who rabbit on relentlessly

and assume that their prattle is understandable to the people they're

actually it's so confusing that the people just switch off or walk out.

Well, I hope you don't mind me saying this. Well, you're a bit like that

yourself.

Oh, my gosh.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yeah, you suggested a party.

Oh, had I? That's a surprise.

Hold on a minute.

You're right again, Malc.

Did you organise the food?

And we'll fix up the food between us. How are your fairy cakes?

God, Malc, I don't know how we do it.

When the time calls for a really crazy idea, we can always rely on you.

Hey, Malc, might as well come in line.

Unfortunately, we are unable to proceed with your claim for damage to personal

effects until all, underline all, boxes of the appropriate form CL stroke

214 have been completed.

I would also point out that the case is not helped and may even be prejudiced.

by unflattering remarks relating to the response time of the local constabulary

and the parenthood of particular officers.

Yours sincerely, Sidney J.

Clough.

Right, Miss Wilson, if you have that lot ready by four, I'll sign them then.

Oh, and, um, you have disposed of the you -know -what in the you -know -where.

Now, listen here, Sidney. Ah, ah, ah, Mr Clough, when we're in the office.

Then regarding the matter of damage to personal effects... Any day now, Miss

Wilson will place Mr Clough's you -know -what -he.

Hello, claims, deputy assistant under manager's office.

For you, a Mrs McDonald.

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

No,

no, not really. You see, strictly, the home contents policy doesn't cover pets.

I see, and how precisely did he come to singe his trunk?

Until the brigade arrived.

Well, yes, you're right, it is a bit complicated.

Yes, by all means.

It's just that 1 .30 is a touch awkward as I usually go to... Oh, well, if

that's the only time.

No, no, no.

No need to bring Henry with you.

Hello? Who is it?

It's Mrs Macdonald.

Ah yes, come in Mrs Macdonald.

You. Hi, is this?

What do you want?

I brought you some gas sheds.

Was that you on the phone?

Yes, I had to leave Henry downstairs.

His lift doors closed a bit fast and I thought he might catch his ears.

Now listen.

You have no business in this building. I shall have strong words with your

sister about this.

Sit down.

Don't speak to me like that.

Shut up. No, listen.

No, Sidney, you listen and keep it this.

One, I do have business in this office with you, in fact.

Two, you won't mention my little visitor, Pamela.

And three, if you don't keep quiet, I shall be forced to conduct this

at 17 Ante Rhinum Close, Frodsham.

Phone book.

What do you want?

You to be nice.

What are you talking about?

Sidney, you are a mean, inconsiderate, conceited, thoughtless, two -timing

fleabag. Now, look... Which, as you were about to point out, is none of my

business. Only it is my sister you're taking advantage of, and I don't like

So I want you to change.

Not too much, or she won't recognise you.

But what is needed is a spontaneous showing of your appreciation.

I gave her those wine glasses at Christmas.

You gave her 24 coupons and told her which petrol station to pick her up at.

However, your next idea involves putting those glasses to good use.

Oh, does it?

You've decided to throw a surprise party for your favourite stenographer next

Friday. Will you fix up the food, Brenda? Yes, of course I will, Sidney.

I'll look after the liquid refreshment. Well, that's very good of you, Sidney.

And if you don't agree, the lovely Mrs MacDonald will feel compelled to make

a...

telephone call to Auntie Rhynam Close.

And if that's not enough, she'll get every upper here to sit on you.

Terry? Yep?

Can you make butterfly cakes?

Butterfly cakes?

I used to, when I was a kid. You sort of cut an upside -down cone out the

centre, halve it, fill the middle with cream. Malcolm? Then you put the two

wings in the cream, like wings, sort of. Malcolm, this is a joke, isn't it?

One of your traditionally unfunny jokes.

No. I just can't remember how you make the cream.

Brenda.

What? I smell Brenda.

She's setting you up for something. Yeah.

Well, I mean, no.

See, there's a party for Pamela that we're not going to, Brenda and me. At

we are going, but only till it gets going, cos then we're going, because her

gang smoke, at least a lot of them do.

And Brenda and me are in charge of food, see. Just stop there. I'll go back to

the door, turn round and we'll start again.

Next Friday, there's a party.

And you've been told to make butterfly cakes?

No, they're my idea.

OK, confuse me some more.

Pamela's birthday, is it?

Anniversary. On Friday of this week, she'll have been in a present job nine

years, seven months and two weeks.

Obviously a course for celebration.

It's a surprise.

Yeah, I'm sure it will be.

See, if we'd waited until the ten years were up... Malcolm, please don't bother

to explain.

Anything involving those two is bound to mean somebody being taken for a ride.

My guess is that it's you.

Sidney.

Sidney. Oh, yeah.

Big Sid, the wrestling promoter. From where was it?

Frodsham? Oh, that was just Brenda's little joke. Yeah, at my expense that

She made out it was some sort of Las Vegas.

It's not, is it?

It's the sort of place they all turn out Saturday nights to watch the traffic

lights change.

That's quite nice, really.

I had an uncle who lived there once.

He's dead now.

You mentioned Sydney.

Oh, yeah, well, see, he's been giving Pamela a hard time.

You know, taking advantage of her easy -going nature and... What?

Well, he doesn't appreciate her.

And Brenda's planning another little joke, is she?

No, well, not a joke as such.

See, she's sort of persuaded him that he ought to be more considerate. The party

will be his idea.

What does she do?

Leave an horse's head on his pillow?

Pardon?

Marlon Brando, the godfather.

Oh, never mind.

Look, I think you've got Brenda all wrong. She's not like that.

Underneath, she's a very caring person.

Just at times, she can't resist having a little fun.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I believe that when someone works one on her and she joins in the giggles.

Sure she would.

She appreciates a good joke.

Maybe I should put sour cream in the butterfly cake.

No.

There's got to be something better than that.

Shaving cream.

Oh, what a whiz.

That's the lot.

They'll be here any minute.

These other friends, there's nobody from the office, is there? No, Sidney, don't

you worry.

They're a carefully selected bunch of dipsomaniacs who wouldn't know you if

fell over you, which they probably will do in the course of the evening.

At the moment, they're in training round at the grapes with instructions to be

here at seven precisely.

Otherwise, we'll set Malcolm on to them.

These curtains look a bit odd.

Shut up.

Oh, hell, they're here.

Kitchen.

Of course I'm late. I had the misfortune of meeting this pillock as I came out

the office. Hi. Hiya.

Can I give you a lift, he says?

Oh, that would be kind of you, Malk. I was just passing.

Oh, yeah, great.

What he didn't mention was that it was a 15 -minute walk to the multi -storey.

And do you know which level he'd parked that Victorian boat shaker of his on?

No. No, nor did he.

We had to get out the lift on every stupid floor to look for it.

Then he remembers.

We were in the wrong multi -storey.

We were in the wrong multi -storey.

So then it's another half -mile walk, and then which level is it on?

Top. It usually goes to the top. You like whizzing down the ramps, don't you,

Mum? It's the only time he gets up a decent speed. Not this time.

It was rush hour, wasn't it?

20 minutes it took us to get out, and the fumes, God, it was awful.

And that sidecar gets all deemed up. Oh, poor you, I can just imagine it.

Muffin -ready turkey in a microwave.

Thank you.

And I'm sure we went round some of them floors twice.

Could be.

Navigation isn't exactly a strong point, is it, Mark?

I'm all right once I've got the map the right way up.

Oh, God, that was another thing embarrassing it was.

The line of traffic beeping away while he looks at his stupid map.

I was always keen to find a new shortcut.

In a car park.

Then it's off on a magical mystery tour out through the festival site and

halfway to the bloody airport.

The lovely one alongside the river.

You don't mind, do you?

I could have been home an hour ago if it wasn't for you.

Oh, that's OK.

Oh, I must have smelt that sidecar.

Dead gerbils, isn't it?

I'm taking a note. She's always saying that.

Look, Pamela, why don't you go and freshen up? I'll have your tea out in

minutes and then we can go off to the grapes.

And he'll buy you a compensating pint of gin and orange.

Oh, who?

Well done.

Guess I'm just a natural.

She seemed a bit hostile.

Well, not another bit of debauchery won't cure.

Great.

OK, now, quiet.

Is everybody right? Yeah.

Did you try the parsnip?

No, a whole pint of the turnip was enough for me.

The rest of them are putting it away happily enough.

That lot?

They drink liquid age, actually, provided someone else was buying.

What are you having?

Vodka and lime.

Vodka and lime and half a lager, please, Art. All right, sir.

So, how was Pamela, really?

Well, you saw her. She put a brave face on things, instead of the white one.

I should think by now, Cluffy will be consoling her in the broom cupboard.

What about 35, please?

Food didn't last long.

Well, as soon as someone mentions parties, that'll have to stop eating.

You know the tall girl, Glenda? She nearly starved to death once when she

three weeks' notice of a do.

Cluffy bought plenty of booze, didn't he? Yeah, all homemade.

Actually, he stashed them away in the understairs cupboard to mature.

For future visits?

Yeah. The locusts will probably find it about half nine, so hope it's matured by

then.

Oh, I'm glad to be out of it.

Have you ever smoked?

Yeah, every two.

But I gave it up when I was 12.

I don't suppose you've ever smoked, have you, Mel?

No, never. I've no vices.

Well, there's still time.

So what are we going to do?

What about a bit of people watching?

That's not a vice. It's not even naughty.

I'm not so tired this time.

I see.

And you think you can compete in the big league, do you?

Yeah, I reckon.

What about that fella over there?

Oh, nearly.

OK, then. Who's first?

I will, if you like. Let's see.

Bit out of practice.

I'd say Hungarian.

Yeah. No, better still, Canadian, yeah. French -Canadian lumberjack with a

wooden leg.

Very good.

Arby's are balancing everyday objects on his nose whilst playing the organ.

I like it. He's certainly getting the hang of things now, Mo. Easy, really.

Saw him come in, did you? No, honest.

Sorry, Mace, don't change dollars here.

What is this?

We haven't got a music license.

Who's the L .A., sir?

Like I said, a French -Canadian lumberjack with a wooden leg who

everyday objects on his nose whilst playing the organ.

Hello. Any pair of funny I wish to buy from Firewood?

Well,

you've got to come second sometimes, Brenda.

You're around, I think.