Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call it right.

There's no one Mr.

Right. So what do I say in it?

But then I'm not so ideal.

Not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does it...

What time did Cluffy leave then? Early, was he?

Well, never mind.

Too many late nights might affect his performance.

At work, that is.

You've got to check out for him.

Frodsham, isn't it?

Poor beggar.

Fancy being a deputy assistant under manager brackets claims, and on top of

that, having to live in Frodsham.

You know you can't get a house there unless you've got O -level boring.

Just shut up, or you'll feel my boot.

At A -level.

Pamela, is something bothering you?

Brenda, shut your blabbering face.

No, because if there is something the matter, I'd rather you told me. You're

matter. You and your pathetic jokes and your infantile behaviour.

Me, infantile?

Right, that's it.

That's the last time I'll lend you me nurse's set. Oh, shut up.

I thought you were going to play something else next time. One more

like last night and you'll be playing something else.

The harp?

I doubt it.

One thing's for certain, it won't be here.

This is my flat, remember, and I can think I'm somebody else to share it

An adult, for instance.

Not Mr Clough, then? Oh, just shut up.

There are at least three girls in our office. OK, OK, I'm sorry.

It was only a joke, honest.

Look, I don't mean to be a messer. I just get carried away.

You need putting away.

It's like a disease with you. You're just a compulsive liar.

Oh, hey, Pamela, what a thing to say.

Have I ever told you a lie? Now think hard. Yeah.

Averaging about ten a day over the last 20 years.

You can prove anything with statistics.

That's nice. Sidney and I have hoped for a quiet night. Sidney? You never tell

me his name was Sidney.

We weren't late yesterday because he's got to go down to the Birmingham office

for a couple of days.

Come back here with two charmaine and a bottle of plonk, hoping for a quiet

evening in to wind down.

Then you come in with your... Oh, hello. Is this Mr Clough or is this the other

one?

You're not funny.

Just a dream, a schoolgirl prattle, cheap jibes, an old joke.

You just go too far.

No.

Well, apart from that, is there anything bothering you?

Well, I think she sounds a bit of all right, your Brenda.

Problem seems to be is that you're just not handling her properly.

Is this another one of your crude jokes?

No, no, just the opposite.

What's missing is a bit of romance.

You what?

You talking about romance?

Terence Milton, the number one wham -bam and thank -you -ma 'am of Emma

Leinster. I don't believe this.

Means to an end, young grasshopper.

You ever thought of buying her a present?

Yeah. You need a prescription for stripping it. No, no, no, seriously.

I mean, you can't go wrong with a present.

Some perfume, earrings, perhaps a necklace.

A pair of bobber boots, more like. You don't know her.

Well, maybe that's the answer.

What, bobber boots? No, me getting to know her.

What you need is a second.

Second what?

A professional in your corner to apply the soggy sponge and give with the inter

-round advice.

No, thanks.

Those amateurs only go three rounds. I've done mine.

Leave it to me. I'll pop round then.

Where? To the grapes.

It's the pub she goes to, isn't it?

Yeah. Why?

Because I can put in a good word for you.

Now will I recognise her? I don't think there's any need for you to... Malcolm,

believe me, it's no trouble. Now, what does she look like? I don't see the

point. Where does she usually sit?

By the space invaders.

She's the one that never stops at the leaping.

Do either of you two gentlemen want to serve it?

He does.

Sorry. Have another, please, Harold.

Off the line, water, please.

Truth. Oh, all right.

What, you're out? You buying? Yeah. Just a double brandy, then?

Oh, no, Pamela, that's distortion.

Extortion, and it's your penance.

Well, that reminds me, you rang just as I was leaving.

Who? Your penance.

From Birmingham.

Said he'd be there if the office took seven.

Ah, he's working late. Oh, poor love.

Lend us 10p for the phone.

Place 20, you make a pig of yourself.

They ain't have things banned before 11pm.

Pardon?

Well, the handle's connected to the main. Touch it and you get thrown across

bar.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and if the lecky doesn't do it, I will.

Well, if it bothers you that much, maybe I should take you through to the other

room. Will you do that? It's a bit heavy.

Then make two journeys.

Is your name Brenda?

No, is yours?

No.

Well, obviously.

Well, it's not obvious from here.

A friend of mine, well, he knew a girl and he said that she always sits where

you're sitting.

Always? Usually.

I've got a sister called Brenda.

Oh, well, that'd be her.

Who are you, then?

Terry Milton.

Mind if I sit down?

Are you a mate of Malcolm Stonway, then? Yeah. Then I do mind.

You're Pamela, are you? So me mum says.

Yeah, Malcolm mentioned you as well.

I thought you'd be, um... What?

Well, you said that Brenda's sister was a bit...

Physical. Physical?

He said that, did he?

And did he mention I used to wrestle for Bootle?

Well, he did say something about wrestling, but he reckoned it was just a

Oh, it's no joke.

Fact is, me and our Brenda have decided to become a tag team.

She's on the phone right now to Sidney Clough.

Sidney Clough? The promoter.

Surely you've heard of Big Sid?

Can't say I have. He's the biggest name in wrestling in all of Frodsham.

Frodsham? Have you been living in a sack?

Surely you know where Frodsham is.

If they ever make a TV series about the goings -on there, it'll make Miami Vice

look like The Adventures of Postman Pat.

Well, I've only lived up this way six months.

Well, obviously.

You won't ask our pant, our Brenda, when she gets back.

One second thought, perhaps not.

She's been a bit gnarky lately, and a wrong word might result in someone

hurt. And it might be me.

Pardon? Norton.

No, she's been in a gnark since she got landed with that clapped -out clone of a

mate of yours.

You're not like him, are you?

Nah, no, I wouldn't take a Welsh dresser on a date.

I might take an Andres, though.

Would you just?

I guess us females should be really grateful as fellas like you around.

Quite a few have been. Is that right?

Well, I'll tell her Brenda you called.

She'd be dead sad to have missed a groover like you. Just watch your head

doorway. Pardon?

Ta -ra, Terry Milton.

Are you sure? Ta -ra.

Yeah. He'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, I get it. But the story is he won't be back until after midnight when Tilton

misses Clough.

He'll be able to have that peaceful evening that you put the moccas on.

Anyway, I'm going in a minute.

Oh, stay a bit.

No, I'm tired and I'm hungry.

I'm away for some tea. Then it's a nice long soak and an early night.

God, if it's doing this to you, it must be killing him.

You'd better watch it and all. place, you know, it'd be hell getting a

down them stairs.

You're sick.

What about another drink? I don't mind you buying. No, thanks.

What about a bit of people watching? No, it's boring.

Well, there's a newbie over there, that blonde fella. What do you reckon?

He looks a bit of a trendy Wendy.

He's definitely a Wendy.

Do you know him?

I've never seen him before.

Let's see, he's about 26.

From Crosby.

Works in an office. Account.

Oh, boring! Or at weekends, he hangs out with the Waterloo and District nude

hang gliding club.

I suppose he would.

No, I reckon he's from Tunbridge Well, where he runs a protection racket for

local massage parlour.

Hobbies? Well, he collects antique plastic bin liners.

I like to play travel scrabble on his exercise bike.

Why Tunbridge Well?

Oh, it's just a wild guess.

He keeps glancing this way.

Well, maybe he thinks we're talking about him.

We are.

Maybe it's a clever dick, too.

The thing about this game is you never know who's right.

Could be neither of us.

I suppose one of us could go over and chat him up and find out.

Why don't you have a go? What, like you did the other week with that mint

Malcolm? No, thanks.

Oh, I understand. You feel you ought to stay faithful to Sidney.

Well, I wouldn't worry, you know.

I bet sometimes he cheats on you and sleeps with his wife.

Oh, go ahead. It's easy enough.

You just go and... stand behind him with your drink near his elbow so that when

he moves it gets knocked. He apologises, buys you another and you're away.

Unless the court is saving yourself for Sydney.

Loving him drink?

They are.

One pound easy, please, lad.

Keep it, Shane.

Thanks very much.

You will explain, then?

I'll do me best. I mean, she did jog my elbow.

That's all you said.

It's just that she was so annoyed, she didn't give me the chance to explain.

Well, it was her dress.

She was going to wear it for her interview tomorrow.

Interview? For her job at Lime Street.

As a station announcer.

I think she might get it, too, because she's very hard to understand.

Well, but surely she hasn't had a dress.

Well, not in the fit.

She's put on over the stone in the last month. She can't stop eating.

It's part of the making plate, you see.

When a girl's in cycles, she sits down. Yeah?

Mind, I can't stay long, cos I'd better get back and check on our Brenda.

See, it's times like this when she's been upset that she forgets.

Forgets? To take a tablet, but I can stay a bit.

What are the tablets for, exactly?

They're for her metabolism.

Unless she takes them, it goes all unstable.

And what happens?

Well, it falls over, I suppose.

Her metabolism? Yeah.

And she gets a bit odd, but we don't talk about it. No.

Well, it's embarrassing, especially if you're out.

But when we're going to visit me mum, I have to ring first and tell her to wipe

the geraniums. What's that?

Well, Brenda eats them.

You see, when it gets really bad, she thinks she's a hamster.

I'm out. I've never mentioned any of this.

Well, we wouldn't know. As long as she takes a tablet, she's OK.

I see.

Well, occasionally she puffs out her cheeks, but you wouldn't think anything

that, would you?

Oh, right.

Well, nice meeting you. Was it?

Oh, yeah.

Pity it was so short.

Just one thing.

Do hamsters eat geraniums?

Well, she's not really a hamster, is she?

No.

Pamela?

Oh, yeah?

What are you doing tomorrow?

Oh, I'll be outside the Odeon about seven. I'll see you then.

Oh, and if I'm a bit late, it's because I've had to take our Brenda to the vet.

So she copped a full pint, did she? A lot.

I'd love to have seen that.

Malcolm, it's not like you to be malicious.

I'm prepared to make an exception in her case.

I must say, I prefer Pamela.

What to?

Oh, you have changed.

Anyway, I'm seeing her tonight.

Pamela? Good God.

Yeah, we're going at the pictures. I think it's an horror film.

It will be.

You know, if anything, your affair with Barmy Brenda sharpened you up.

It wasn't an affair.

Didn't even get too old in hands.

What, you mean when you went for that Indian that time, you walked there

even touching?

Oh, she walked. I was on the bike.

She didn't have a helmet.

Said the sidecar smelt of dead gerbils.

I think she's got some sort of rodent fixation.

Well, if you do ever decide to make it up and buy her a present, make sure it's

not a geranium.

OK.

Why not?

Well, they're poisonous, I suppose, aren't they?

Geraniums? Yeah.

If you eat them.

Oh, yeah, see, yeah.

It's a pity you blew it, really.

Could have made up a foursome.

Oh, and second thoughts, well, she does have her problems, does Brenda?

Certainly does.

Oh, you know?

Know what?

About her metabolism.

No.

Unless she takes the tablets, it becomes unstable.

Tablets? Brenda?

You didn't know?

She never said anything.

Perhaps that's why she gets a bit, well, upset.

Yeah. You're blessed to have it.

Yeah.

Shame, though, if she just wasn't well.

Pamela told you this? Yeah. She has to keep a close eye on her.

Never mentioned any tablets.

Maybe she was ashamed.

Brenda?

I think so.

Perhaps I was a bit hasty.

Perfume, you reckon?

Or something to wear. That's always a winner. Is it?

Hey, Terry, you wouldn't mind... Ah, no, not me, mate.

That's something you've got to do yourself. You know her.

But remember, no geraniums.

It was on the car radio.

On the radio?

Motorway. Roadworks.

Around Walsall.

Walsall? So what did you do?

I headed up through

Brown Hills.

Oh, Brown Hills.

I joined the M6, the mechanic.

I'm headed up to Stoke.

But I had to stop. Oh, no.

No, don't stop.

For juice at Knutsford Services.

Knutsford Services.

Coffee,

everyone.

Yes, please.

What the hell are you doing here?

I've just come to make amends.

Look, you go through and sit down. I'll bring the coffee in. Coffee?

We don't want coffee.

Right.

Another little accident?

Yes.

Still. No use crying over spilt.

No.

It's quite warm this evening.

For the time of year.

Yes.

I'm Terry Milton.

Pleased to meet you.

Sidney Clough.

Yeah? From Frodsham?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

You're Big Sid, then?

Big Sid?

The wrestling promoter.

Who?

You're not?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think I've been having my leg pulled.

Seems to be a family tradition.

Yeah. A bit obvious when you think about it, but she keeps such a straight face.

Who does?

Pamela.

Pamela?

You know her, then?

Well, I only met her last night. But we had a long chat.

She was telling me about all the problems she has with Brenda.

Her needing medication and everything.

Does she?

Oh, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it. No, I'm not surprised.

I find her most odd.

You do?

How long you known her?

Oh! Only met a couple of nights ago. She breezed in when I was here with Pam.

You were here with Pamela?

Just watching TV, of course.

They're a very free and easy pair, aren't they?

Seem to be.

Wow.

How are you two getting on?

Someone just had a little accident. We should be in in a minute.

Well, as long as we keep taking the tablet.

We don't talk about it. Sorry.

Sugar. One, please.

Mr Clough.

No sugar, thanks.

It's Sidney. What is?

My name.

Never mind.

How did her interview go? Interview?

Oh, for a bank loan. She didn't get it.

Sorry.

Well, this is cosy.

Sorry, sorry.

Go ahead.

Oh, no.

I want a word with you.

Is your loo through here? It's on the left. Yes, beloved sister.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, it's you.

What do you want?

Have you got money problems?

Well, hasn't everybody?

I've got something for you.

Yeah, I know it's late. I've been out at my auntie's in Egberth.

Yeah, service in a wheelchair, yeah.

The grapes.

Well, you wear it.

No, it's a surprise.

Look, if it's serious, I might be able to help out.

But I would have preferred you telling me and not to hear about it through him.

What are you talking about?

I understand you had a long chat yesterday.

Well, you understand wrong.

The only contact with that nerd was when he threw a pint of bitter over me.

Well,

why don't you come round?

There's no -one here.

OK, see you then. Bye.

Who was it? Oh, it was the wrong number.

You were tall.

or there was no -one here called Sidney?

What? Oh, pain in the wits.

She's thick.

Has she taken her tablets?

What tablets?

We don't talk about it.

Is that better?

Yes, thanks.

And I suppose you're wondering who crocheted the dress for the lady who had

spare toilet rolls?

No, I wasn't, actually.

Well, then it'll just have to stay our little secret, won't it, Sidney?

What is she talking about? Shut up!

Oh, sorry.

Eh, not you.

You live in Frodsham, then?

Uh -huh.

Nice there, is it?

Well, it's handy for the forest.

Delamere Forest.

I collect leaves, you see.

Oh, well, it would be.

And I do bark rubbings.

I've got, uh, got three scrapbooks full.

There you go.

That's a lot better than anything I could make up.

Shut it.

I'd like to see them sometime.

and there was nobody. They just got back from the pictures. Come on, don't be

shy.

Hi. Malcolm.

Oh, you haven't met Sidney.

Hello.

Coffee.

Good fill.

Seemed better on teeth.

Mind you, Pamela likes it.

Has she seen it?

Yeah, with me.

You?

Terry took Pamela.

When? This evening.

OK, OK, don't go on. It's not my fault.

So where's me present?

Oh, it's in me bag here. Hold on, what do you mean, Terry took Pamela? She's

been here with me.

Well, I'll get it myself.

You said he was going to.

No, I did.

We went to the Odeon and we... Hold on a minute.

Oh, it's a bed jacket, me auntie Peggy knitted it.

It's for me mum.

Yours is in a cardboard box here, I'll get it. Just a minute.

Who is that?

Oh, sorry, haven't you been introduced? That's Brenda, Pamela's sister.

Brenda? Of course it is.

Do you like it? Oh, yeah, Brenda.

Where is she?

In the hall.

You're Pamela. You're a pillock.

Of course she's Pamela.

Do you like it?

You'll bloody well need it. Just a minute.

I think she said to try and keep you away from the geraniums.