Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not the right deal. Not gentle or

genteel. So the question should be what does he...

So? So how did you get on?

Did you score?

Score? With the bird that left the note for you.

Oh, Brenda.

Oh, well, you know, it was fun.

I see.

A nil -nil draw?

No, no, no. No, we met in a pub.

Had a drink.

That was quick thinking.

Then went on to a restaurant.

Let me guess.

You had a meal?

Well, she did.

She had a meal?

I just had a poppadom.

I didn't want to spoil my tea.

OK.

After the restaurant, did you go anywhere else?

Oh, she invited me back to her place for coffee. Ah.

So we're back at the pad.

Sweet light, soft music.

Malcolm gently eases off his crash helmet and says... Er, I didn't go back.

Don't tell me.

You cut your lip on the poppadom.

No, I had to get home.

I'd agreed to take Leonard to a toss meeting.

Well, he's causing, Doc, and I'd promised, and, well, he is chairman.

A toss meeting?

Thirst is to an ornithological society.

What else?

I mean, I know you wouldn't give one.

One what?

Toss.

Another joke, Malcolm.

Don't get carried away.

Sorry.

So you blew it.

Yeah, it seems so.

We had talked of a day out, but when I left, she... Told you to take a long

on a short pier.

Well, no. Well, not in so many words.

I see.

Well, how many words then? Two?

Kitty, she sounds a bit of all right to me.

Yeah, she's quite attractive, actually.

Sort of small face, big bright eyes.

And got a first that cruts.

What are we going to do with you?

You could try asking him to serve a customer.

It is, after all, what we pay him for.

And you.

Right, Miss Jambrode.

Can I help you at all?

Caldwell's in Chester.

Even wanted £5 to pick it up.

I said, right, then it's 10p for using our toilet when you first came in.

Well, I didn't, but I thought it.

No, I'll get Malcolm to take it along.

Hmm?

Oh, yes, I'll have the room redecorated.

Because Malcolm did it last time.

And didn't he run out of paper?

Now we've got a piece of naked plaster behind the dresser.

No, I'll get a proper man in this time.

Oh, well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, well, the thing is...

There's our meeting next Thursday, and he still hasn't fixed the lighthouse.

Yes, miss, can I help you? Yes, please.

Would you be kind enough to show me your braces?

Pardon?

Oh, I see.

A present, is it? For your father, perhaps?

Perhaps.

We have a very good range.

How nice.

Do you ride it or cook on it?

Very droll.

Mr Milton at lunch, is he? Yes, Mr Ambrose.

Was there any particular type you had in mind?

I like yours.

Oh?

The red's rather stepping, don't you think?

Oh, butterfingers!

Excuse me a moment.

Take over here and try keeping things up on the counter and not on the floor.

They're kinky.

What do you want?

A pair of bracelets just like this. What for?

To keep something up.

Unless you've got other ideas.

Don't mess about. He might have recognised you.

No, he didn't. I was in and out last time. I'm wearing my old gear.

Anyway, what if he did? I'm a legit customer, aren't I?

You don't want a pair of braces.

I don't want a pair of braces.

What do you want?

To see you.

Oh.

Hello, Malcolm.

Hello, Brenda.

Look, about the other night, see, I didn't... No matter.

Oh. Well?

Well?

Oh, er, well, what are you doing Thursday?

I don't know. You haven't told me yet.

Right.

What do you think of a run to Buxton?

Takes me breath away.

Somewhere else, if you'd rather.

Buxton will do.

One thing, though. I'm not riding in that sidecar. I'll borrow a helmet.

Do you see anything you fancy?

Yeah, that little bit on the bottom of your left ear.

Tell me, do you deliver?

What? Oh, braces.

No, not really.

Pity. The grapes with ten.

That drip, I hope it chokes you.

Oh, it's sad, really.

You know, he couldn't even join the library.

Why not? He needed two references.

You out tonight?

Yeah. Mr Clough? Yeah.

You know, I don't know where you get the energy. It's amazing for a woman of

your age.

You're only jealous just because you can't keep a fella long enough for his

dandruff to settle.

Well, I do keep him so long, the dandruff's encrusted on the pillow.

Your pillow?

The sweet little sister you are.

Ow!

I'm very physical lately.

You sure you're not leading this double life?

Go on. Well, sometimes secretary to the deputy assistant under manager brackets

claims. And sometimes, Barbara's Barbara, the bootle bouncer.

Ow! Some of you joke.

Whose idea was that about me being a wrestler?

Was it you? Or was it that wet Nelly with the antique motorbike? Oh, it was

definitely him. You know, I've never cast nastations on your physical

attributes. Of course not.

I'll get him to apologise if you like.

What?

I thought you'd given him the elbow.

Well, he came crawling back, begged me to go out with him this Thursday. I just

couldn't say no.

It upsets me to see a grown ornithologist cry.

I think you fancy him. Oh, get lost. Drink up.

Oh, no.

Why don't you grow up?

Five pounds?

Just to collect a small dresser?

Ridiculous, isn't it?

So I said you'd take it on Thursday.

Thursday?

Oh, I can't. Oh, why not? You're off, aren't you?

Yes, well, I mean, well, it'll get damaged.

Not if you're careful.

After all, that's how we got it from Auntie Blanche.

And Shepter's a lot nearer than that fair feckin'. Thing is, I'm meeting

someone.

In Liverpool, they'll be out the whole day.

Oh?

Anyone we know?

Well, I do.

Yes, Malcolm, I'm sure you do, but do I?

No. I see.

Sex? Mother... Male or female?

Oh, I see.

Well, think hard. There's only two possibilities, if my memory serves me

correctly. A girl. A girl?

Has she got a name? Yes.

Oh, I'm glad.

Brenda. Brenda.

I see.

And apart from that, is she nice?

Yes.

Well, I can see you'd rather see Berkeley to tell me all about her.

Perhaps you'll bring her for tea sometime.

Yeah.

Oh, what's the matter?

She does eat, doesn't she? Doesn't she have this anthrax nervosa?

Oh, she eats.

I'll bring her round.

Right.

What time?

Oh, perhaps in a month or so.

What time are you meeting her next Thursday?

Oh, ten o 'clock. Well, that time.

Caldwell's have a branch in Liverpool that'll do just as well. You can deliver

it per thing.

Oh, but, Mother... It's the very least you can do.

It's my turn to host the Friends on Thursday, and I was hoping it'd help

the tea.

What Friends?

The Friends of Letho Lighthouse. Oh, yes.

I'd forgotten.

Oh, no, you have.

What about that little job I asked you to do for us three weeks ago?

I'll look at it later. Probably just needs a new battery.

Hi.

It's a Welsh dresser.

It's a Welsh dresser.

I can't believe it.

Just because I went riding your flaming sidecar, you'd have to bring someone

else. I was taking it to an antique shop in Bold Street.

You was taking it?

Yeah. Well, I got there at nine.

Well, about five past.

Possibly ten past. I think I'm a bit slow.

Slow? You don't pay for a revere.

Well, there was a notice on the door.

Closed for refurbishment.

Oh, my God.

a day out in Buxton with you and a piece of furniture.

No, well, it doesn't have to be Buxton.

Malcolm, I'm not going to Buxton or Baconhead or even the bottom of the

if it means playing gooseberry to you in a Welsh dresser.

Don't get home. After a day, I'll be gone. Well, it's just tough titty.

There's a man with enough trundling around on the antique tricycle.

This heap of plywood will bring out every would -be tar book this side of

Chester to shout out the funnies.

Chester?

Look, let's just forget the whole thing.

You toot laugh with your friend. Take a bird watching.

And if it rains, you can crawl inside.

No. What about Chester? What about Cairo?

You go first.

We could go to Chester.

We could?

What about Cuthbert the Cupboard?

We live in here. We'll come back and find squatters and move there. No,

a Caldwell's in Chester.

I don't care if there's wishing wells. I'm not going.

That's where my mother wants me to take it in the first place.

Your mother?

Was this their idea?

Yeah. Well, no.

I mean, I was coming here anyway.

Oh, look, I'll explain later.

Come on, we'll go to Chester. But we'll stick to the country roads.

I'll head out through Rumcorn, cross towards Delamere and... Malcolm, if you

think for one minute that I'll travel all the way from Liverpool to Chester on

that splutterin' roller skater of yours with a coffin on the side and a goggle

-eyed goof on the front, then you'd better think again.

There's absolutely no way, no way whatsoever that I would be seen alive,

stuffed or mounted on that...

Hey, you've missed the cemetery, lad. Get lost!

Where's the kitchen sink?

Got your head open, innit? Hey, look, your doors are showing.

Go and get your face re -plugged in.

easy if you hadn't got lost.

You wanted to avoid the town.

And then when you insisted on taking it in with you to the gents.

I had to clean it up. There was all sorts sticking to it. And that was not

funny. What was?

You said when I came out.

Those ladies in the bus queue gave me a very funny look.

I only asked if you'd managed to wash your flies off.

They'll be open in ten minutes. Once we've delivered it, we can go for a walk

along the wall.

Ooh, hot diggity.

A trip on the river.

Hot double diggity.

I know. I'll take your picture.

No, you won't.

Come on. Stand up there. I'll see if I can get the rose in.

The what? The rose. It's what they call the two layers of shots. Come on.

You don't need that.

Turn this way a bit.

Don't screw your eyes up.

Come on.

Brenda.

It wasn't even my helmet. It was my sister's.

What, Pamela's?

No, my younger sister's, Sandra.

God, if it was Pamela's, I wouldn't want to be in your letters for a thousand

pound, a goldfish and a plaid bag.

It wasn't my fault. You put it there.

You told me to.

We point to a bit there. Three double -glam physics.

A bottle of Bacardi to take out and a bucket of oats to the arse.

To your coffee.

Three coffees. And one for yourself.

Hey, have you any of them crisp wafer biscuits with the creamy centres and

dark chocolate coating?

These? Yeah, that's them.

Aren't they horrible?

Oh, well now, look who's here. Hey, it's Batman and Robin. So it is.

The dynamics, you are.

Bit of a long wait for them goddamn shitting, haven't we, till you get lost?

Like you told us to.

Oh, go away, you're curdling milk. Oh, cheeky, are you?

You still doing furniture removals, then? Aye, and nose removal, so beat it.

so, little Robin Redbreast are cheeky, are they?

Well, do you know what colour they are?

Oh.

But Batman does.

Just ignore him.

Well, what do you reckon, Batman?

Has Robin got a... Aye, well, you'll have a red face when I put me through to

you. No, please, Robin. Do as like the Caped Crusader says.

Yeah, otherwise he won't let you ride in the Batmobile.

Hey, that's a nice old one you've got there, isn't it?

Norton, isn't it? Yeah, 500.

Yeah? I haven't seen one of them before.

How old is he?

1939.

How do you want for Spurs, like?

Well, I'll make them myself if I can.

Otherwise, you've got to use the specialist manufacturers. It gets a bit

Yeah, that it does.

Still, it's a smart machine you've got.

Ah, terror!

Ta -ra.

Ta -ra, Robin.

Hey, keep your pecker off.

Pecker off.

Dickhead.

You shouldn't argue with them.

Oh, you can't let rubbish like that get the better of you.

Well, they weren't so bad, really.

I mean, fellas with motorbikes do have a sort of understanding.

Oh, you think you'll be getting on great?

I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them.

No, but we could trust you and your mouth to make things worse, couldn't we?

You make your own spares, do you?

Sort of, yeah.

I can often adapt a piece from some other machine.

Got lots of odd bits at home.

It's all my own gear.

Bullock, welding set, a lathe.

It's certainly a deep one, Batman.

What? If you say so.

Robin.

I do.

So, shall we get back to the Batmobile, then?

Why not?

Brenda.

No, it's called Godfrey, actually.

It's useless.

It doesn't fool anybody.

Well, certainly not the Caped Crusader.

You'll be paying for your friend's coffee.

What size engine is this?

Norton 500, overhead valve.

Pretty solid, eh?

It's ex -army. I'll have any more.

Sidecar the same, eh?

Older, it's a Garrard.

1936. No kidding.

that was used, just the session of disasters.

They disconnected it. Well, even I know that.

Just fix it and let's get out of here. It's humiliating. I can't. They've

the bolt.

The bolt?

That's it?

Hold on, Brenda. Look, we're only a couple of minutes from the M53.

I can be home in a quarter of an hour.

You just sit tight. I'll have a replacement. What did I say?

Look after the sidecar.

Well, there's no more pinch of that thing. They'll be doing us all a favour.

I'm coming with you.

No, no, Brenda, please. I'll be back in half an hour.

Anyway. You haven't got a helmet.

Ow!

I'll go for the bolt.

You could use one through your neck.

Now, we must not forget that Leitho Lighthouse is part of this country's

heritage. Here, here.

Now, my latest information is that the Borough Council intends to lease it to,

would you believe, a brewery. Here, here.

Sorry.

Bad show.

Mother, have you... Hello.

Could I have a word? In a moment, Malcolm.

I need the key to the garage.

It's in the drawer.

No, I've looked. You must have tidied it away somewhere. Well, somewhere.

Look, we're stopping for tea in a moment. Just put the kettle on, will

please? I'm in a hurry. Just two minutes.

Now, along with her apologies, Heather has suggested that we arrange a mass

picket for when the contractors move in.

She says she can't make varieties because she has the shrubberies.

Mother! Malcolm, if you want to make yourself useful, then pick three.

in here with me. Coffee?

No, thanks. There was a girl in here with me earlier. Tea?

There was a girl in here with me earlier. I left her outside looking

sidecar. Well, she's not there now. I wondered if she's... Are you Malcolm?

Yeah.

She left this.

Thank you.

No message.

hour under the Mersey. Well, you've dried up quick.

Mersey Rail?

You think the least they could do is arrange to have the breakdowns at the

station? Yeah, very poor organisation.

If they can't do that, they could at least fit emergency counter lager under

seat. Right.

Oh, God, what a day.

How'd Barnard win? Well, as disasters go, it scores about 12 out of 10. What

happened? Barnard?

I won't say. I'll tell you. Right.

Would you believe I went all the way to Chester on a heap of scrap iron in the

company of a Welsh dresser and a widdle plonker.

That I was left standing outside the jake while he washed his dead flies off.

No. That our Sandra's helmet got stolen by a builder's lorry.

No. Or that the plonker finally drives off and leaves me sitting in the sidecar

like a pried prune in Lewis's window.

That I believe.

Thanks.

Backing off and out, he says. Big joke.

You've always pried yourself on your sense of humour.

So you came in by train?

I was offered alternative transport by a real biker on a real bike. But what

happens in Birkenhead?

Not a lot on Thursdays.

We got stopped by the busies, didn't we?

Busies? No.

Carrying excess baggage?

Just watching you. No.

We got stopped because I wasn't wearing a bloody helmet.

Oh, and you used to be sympathetic.

Oh, what a day. There's just no justice.

Stop!

to apologise, have you? But you're too late. They've all gone.

Mother... I just don't know what got into you, Malcolm Solway. I'm right in

middle of any other business. Mother, look... I might just as well resign from

that committee right now.

Could I ever again raise a point of order when I've shown I can't even raise

own son? Mother, if you'll just let me speak.

Oh, I'm sure you've already said quite enough.

When I think about the money we spent on your education.

Send you to that pre -school group.

It's manners for life, they said. They haven't lasted you 30 years.

I just wanted the key to the garage.

I know what you wanted.

There were three feet less of you. I see that you got it.

But it's her, that girl, isn't it?

You've been influenced.

I can tell.

Oh, it's nothing to do with anybody.

I simply wanted to... Oh, what does it matter?

Well, may you ask.

Oh, I'm going for a lie down. I feel absolutely desiccated.

If that Mrs Lloyd -Roberts should ring, you'd better say that you're under

strain at work.

She won't believe it. Oh, you've got to say something.