Original subtitles

Come in.

Stand still.

Just keep still a minute.

Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Trying to catch that dinner.

Well, that's not very nice.

And you're satisfied with the eggs?

I am not satisfied with the eggs. I've had so many eggs, I'm beginning to fancy

the rooster.

That's no reason to kill our livestock. Yes, it is, mate. It's roast chicken for

dinner tonight. Come here. Now, you can pack that in.

She's a productive unit, but she's more than you are. She's broody. Well, of

course she's broody.

Anybody be broody chasing around with an axe.

Come on, we've got other things to do.

Like what?

We're going down to the village green this morning to get a bit of practising.

And what are we going to practise on the village green?

Golf.

Cricket.

Cricket? Yeah.

It's the annual match between the Vickers 11 and the Squires Select. They

too short, so I called a bit of a wee turnout.

Sorry, mate. You've had me. I can't play cricket. Oh, come on, Sid. It'll be a

bit of fun. I mean, they're all amateurs. I mean, they're all getting on

I've told you before, I can't play cricket. Well, Mr. Davidoff, everybody

play cricket.

What about when you were at school? What did you do then?

Played truant.

Didn't you play any games?

Well, yeah. We had a pontoon school. We owned a bicycle shed.

It's very athletic, isn't it? I know we used to play who's got the biggest.

And?

Who's got the biggest?

Biggest what?

Utah.

I was champ three years running.

I take it you don't want to be with the biggest 11?

Definitely not. Right.

I'll just tell the vicar there's one less for the booze -up.

Booze -up?

Yeah, booze -up after.

It's tradition. You see, we all go back to the squire's place and get roaring

drunk.

You know why? Yeah.

Oh, it goes on all night, so they reckon. They'll be drinking, dancing and

That? Yeah.

Quite a lot of that.

Birds as well, eh?

Cream of the village made in Sydney.

Is this the squire's select?

Yes, it is. All amateurs, you say? Yeah, play once a year.

Getting on a bit as well?

Doddering, I shouldn't wonder.

Yeah, well, I think we ought to join in the village activities, don't you?

Show them our city fellows are as good as they are. Yeah, you're with us, then.

Well, I mean, be a bit of a giggle, won't it? There's nothing to it, is

knocking a ball about?

Well, there's a certain amount of skill involved. Ah, nonsense. It's a matter of

keeping your eye on the ball.

I thought I should have never played cricket. Well, I've seen it on the

Go on, chuck us up a... Chuck us up a king, Edward. Go on. Oh, all right,

You ready?

Yes. Right, right. Here we go. Right, left, right, left.

Well, at least we have a lovely day for the match. Yes, glad you're able to make

up the eleven. You think we stand a chance? Between you and me, sir, it'll

miracle if we reach double figures. Well, I reckon that's your department.

Miracles, eh, Vicar?

Well, I did think of praying for rain.

At least we might claim a draw.

How's the pitch?

Usual length, Vicar, 22 yards.

Yes, well, I think I'll go and put the stumps in.

Morning. Morning.

Morning, Victor.

Good morning, Mr Evans. You're early. He knows Tartle, too.

I thought I'd come round and get a bit of practice in, you know.

Oh, I'm glad to see you're so keen.

Where's your colleague?

Sid? Oh, he's putting the car away.

I am very forward to meeting him.

By the way, I haven't seen you at church.

Are you Anglican persuasion? No, I'm a primitive Methodist.

Well,

none of us are perfect.

You don't cater for us, then? Cater for you? I never heard of you.

Mostly establishment around here, is it? Well, we do have one or two followers

of Rome, but the majority of the parish is Anglican, yes.

We did have some sort of strange evangelical sect some years ago, led by

red -headed Scotsman. He claimed he was a messiah from Motherwell.

They used to hold the meetings in a tin hut behind the British Legion, did a lot

of singing and shouting hallelujah.

This messiah chap, he used to practice the laying on of hands.

It was his downfall.

How was that, Vicar?

Well, he worked himself into a frenzy one night and laid his hands on Major

Crabtree's daughter.

Eve has a lot to answer for, Vicar.

The devil tempts us all.

Your colleague, Mr Turner, is he a churchgoer?

Sid?

Not to my knowledge, no.

One of the last sheep strayed from the fold. I wouldn't say strayed. I'd say he

was evicted.

Well, we'll have to see about dragging him back inside, won't we?

By the way, how are you off for gear?

Oh, well, I haven't got any, I'm afraid.

Well, you'll find all you need in there. Oh, thanks. I'll go and sort something

out. Yes, help yourself. Thank you, Vicar.

Good morning.

Morning, Mush.

I've come for a bit of a knockabout. You on our side?

Whose side is that?

The Vicar's. I hope so.

He's conned you into it as well, has he?

Bible thumper?

Holy Joe.

That was very interesting.

Mind you, I'm only in it for the booze up after.

The booze up after?

And the birds.

Birds?

I wouldn't mind betting you I score more tonight than I will this afternoon.

I think I'd better introduce myself.

Yeah, why not? I'm Sid Turner.

I'm Reverend Harker.

Reverend?

The Holy Joe.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Your Reverence. I didn't recognise you. You didn't have

your... Collar on and a black suit, you see. I don't usually wear them for

cricket. No, no, that's true.

So I think you ought to wear something to show us you're a man of the clock.

Perhaps an armband with Vicar tattooed on it.

I'll mention it to the Mother's Union.

I take it you're not particularly religious.

No, I don't bother going to church much. I suppose you could call me C of E.

I sometimes wonder why we bother to send missionaries abroad.

Oh, you've met then? Yeah.

What do you think of our lost sheep, Vicar?

Well, I know the good Lord said there's a spark of divinity in us all, but I'm

beginning to wonder if there isn't an exception.

Bill, see you later. Don't forget, play starts at two sharp.

Ah, you made a big impression on the vicar, didn't you? Well, I didn't

go a bundle on him either.

I thought they were supposed to be overflowing with brotherly love and

It's up to him to show me the light.

Light? What you need, mate, is a bleeding flamethrower.

Go on, let's sort some of this out.

You know, Sid...

I feel sorry for you, I really do. Yeah? Yeah, don't you worry what's going to

happen to you when you snuff it.

Not me, mate. I'm not going to snuff it. What do you mean?

I like it down here. I've made arrangements to stay.

You mean... You mean you're going in for that deep freeze, lark?

No, don't be stupid. I'm not turning myself into a human fish finger.

What are you going to do?

I've donated my organs.

Pardon?

My organs, I've donated them.

I'm a walking transplant bank.

I've told them I can have a lot.

Two eyes, two lungs, two kidneys, my heart, my liver, anything else they can

off.

Is there anything else?

There's over 80 % of me that's transferable. When I go, there'll be

thrashing about in at least a dozen other people.

Hope I don't get older one.

They were delighted to get my offer. There's a shortage of organs.

I suppose everybody's as far -seeing as you are, Sidney. That's possible.

I reckon we ought to start up an international organ club. Yeah? Who's

be president? Sandy McPherson?

You're going to laugh, mate. I'm telling you, the time is coming.

There'll be organs coming in from all over the world.

When you sort of need a spare bit, all you do is knock off somewhere and buy

one. Ah, Sid, you make it sound like a human service station.

That's it.

Every 25 years, you can have a complete new set.

Now, look, Sid, and I'm serious now.

If God intended us to swap our organs about, he'd have made them with zips on.

That'll come, mate. That'll come.

Let's get a bit of practice in. Come on. Right.

Hey, I think you'd better wear this.

What is it?

It's a protector.

Oh.

Oh, I do. Part on the chin?

Oh, it's not to protect your face.

What's it for, then?

Well, it's to... protect your transplants.

I thought it was the wicket I aimed at.

Seb, I think you'd better wear one.

No, I don't need it. Just give me a bat and a ball, that's all. All right, then.

One ball coming up.

That's lethal.

What do you think we're playing with, then? Ping -pong balls?

You mean to tell me those old geezers are going to chuck it at me?

Yeah.

Them and Freddie Truman.

Freddie Truman?

Yeah.

You mean Freddie Truman, Freddie Truman?

Yeah. I forgot to tell you, he's an old friend of the Squire's.

Fiery Fred Truman?

Yeah.

Now will you wear a protector?

It's not a protector I need, mate. It's a bleeding brick wall.

What were they coming down?

I'll leg you in. Put the ball down. Let's have another one.

Make it an easy one this time.

Underhand this time.

Nice and slow.

Can we have our ball back?

You going to start any minute?

All right, I'm coming.

I'm ready.

What for? That's the question.

What's the matter?

You can't go dressed up like that.

I'm going to play for the biggest 11 of the New York Yankees. I'm not taking any

chances. They don't call him Fiery Fred for nothing.

Now, look, Sid, I'm not dressed up like that. You didn't smash his window.

He threatened me. You heard what he said.

Yeah, I know I was there.

All he said was, he'll have your bales off this afternoon.

Yeah.

Well, that's not the way I heard it.

Ah, there you are, gentlemen.

Good heavens, what are you supposed to be? All right, all right, all right.

We've had the one about the New York Yankees. You're not turning up for my

in that fancy dress. I am not batting without proper protection.

You're not batting at all. We are fielding.

Now hurry up and take these ridiculous things off, please.

Ah, come on, Sid. I mean, look, take it off.

Look, Freddie Truman isn't the kind of a fellow who's going to bear you a

grudge. No. Well, I'm... Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello,

Mr. Truman.

It's all right. You can call me Fred. Hello, Fred. You can call me Mr. Truman.

Hello, Mr. Truman.

What's this, then? New York Yankees.

Oh,

that's very funny. That New York Yankees.

Very funny, yes.

No hard feelings about the window?

No hard feelings.

Good. Here's the bill.

Sid's a very big fan of yours, Fred. Is that true?

It's quite true. Always have been.

Always have been a big fan of yours. Yes. As a matter of fact, I reckon you

carried that England team.

Fifty times better you were than that other fella, Statham.

I wouldn't pay him any washes. Rubbish. He was useless.

Brian Statham was a very good friend of mine.

And a wonderful sportsman. Good old Brian.

You know your trouble, don't you? What's that, Mr. Truman? You've got a big

mouth. Have I?

And if I was, you should keep it shut.

Because when you're on the wicket this afternoon, you might finish up with a

ball right up the back of your gusset.

Nice fella.

Turner! Yes?

Chuck me a ball out there, the good chap. Yeah.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Truman.

Once is an accident.

Twice, deliberate death wish.

A little more square, Tom.

pretty human, ain't he? I thought I'd better turn out just to even things out.

Mind you, this Sunday critic's a doddle for me. You know, it's nothing like

lords.

I never forget my first century at lords, you know that?

Sid, the skipper said to me, we're opening.

Right, Colin, I said.

Don't worry about me, son. You keep your end up.

Gentlemen versus players, it was.

I was one of the players.

You can see I'm no gentleman, can't you?

We're not going to have booze up afterwards. I don't suppose you'll be

interested. I think somebody's trying to attract your attention.

What do you want?

Come on, Sid.

You're not keeping your eye on the game.

You keep your eye on your game. I'll keep my eye on mine.

Come on, darling. Yes, darling?

Oh, you do work with any... Yeah, it's off it.

Remember me to call in.

It's yours, Sid. All right. Fine, I got it.

I can't believe it. The Spire's 11, all out for 69.

Yeah, thanks to Sid clobbering Freddie Truman.

Oh, shut up. I wish I'd accident.

Now, now, Turner.

You look worried.

I am worried.

I don't see why.

Mr. Truman has fully recovered and is fitted after both of us. That's why I'm

worried. All ready, Bigger?

Yes, Cyril. Well, with a bit of luck, we'll soon knock these off.

With a bit of luck.

Not opening, then?

No, Cyril and I are, Fred.

That's a pity, but I can wait.

After you, Vicar.

A fight, a good fight.

Good luck, Vicar.

There they go, striding across to the wicket.

It's a beautiful day here at Flatchley.

Oh, play until that moment while the squire chases a small dog across the

He's lunges, he nearly got it, he misses, and the dog is over the boundary

four.

And now over to John Harlott for a quick summing up.

Knickers.

Thank you, John Arlett.

Freddie's taking his run.

And he bowls!

Arrest!

Oh, God.

What's the matter? What happened? Well, he clean bowled to Vic, huh?

That was quick. Quick?

That was vicious quick.

I don't fancy your chances.

Oh, well, there's plenty of time. All we've got to do is knock up 69 runs and

won't have to face him. I wouldn't bet on that if I were you. What do you mean?

Your next man in.

Me?

I've never seen Bowling like it.

Look what he did to my stump.

Shouldn't he be sent off for that?

Come on, Turner. You're in.

Don't you think you ought to go in next? Me? No, no, Sid. I wouldn't deprive you

of your moment of glory.

Come along, Turner. You're holding up play.

Yes, right.

All right, then.

Oh!

Oh! It's gone. What's gone? Me, me. It's gone.

Gone where, Sid?

It's a cartilage, you see. There's a steel pin through it, and every now and

then it gets rusty.

I'll have to put you in lower down. No, no, no. I'll struggle out here somehow.

No, you sit down. I'll put somebody else in. Well, I don't want to let the side

down. No, don't you worry.

We'll only use you if we need to. You're quite sure, then? Absolutely.

I'll put Carter in. Thank you. Oh.

How long are you going to keep this up, then?

Can we knock up 69 runs, mate?

Yeah. Go!

Come on, hurry up. You've only got six to get.

You're in, Turner.

Right.

Oh!

It's gone again.

It's gone again.

Have you got a rusty pin in each leg?

Pardon? It was the other leg before.

Yeah, well, it moves about a bit, you know.

Well, I would follow its example and get out there. Yes, right.

I'm going.

Turner. Yes?

You might as well take this.

Oh, she doesn't get all that big a head. She will have in a minute.

How do you do?

Hello. The other end, Sidney.

Why can't you go to the other end? The other end, friend.

How many balls left in this hour?

Enough.

I'll let him.

Excuse me, sister.

Oh, can I help you? Yes, I've come to see Mr Sidney Turner.

Oh, yes.

How is he?

There's no change, I'm afraid, and there's still no sign of him getting his

memory back. Think he'd better come home soon? Not unless he recovers his

memory, no.

Oh, my God, he snuffed it.

Mr Turner, what are you doing under those bedclothes?

You've got a visitor.

How do you do?

Hello, Sid.

Now, look, Sid, I know you don't know who I am, but I'm Vic, you see, and

Sid, and we had a farm, see, Sid?

We had animals.

Animals on the farm, Sid. We had animals. We had chickens.

Chickens, eh?

Chickens, chickens.

Pigs.

Sheep.

Cows. We had cows, Sid.

Cows.

Great. Yes, Sid? You left one out.

Which one?

Well,

I was only trying to... Hey!

You call me Vic.

Well, that's your name, isn't it? Oh, it worked. You got your memory back.

I never lost it, mate.

Oh, well, look, I'll go and tell the doctor. What for?

Well, you must come home. There's plenty of work to do. Don't be ridiculous.

I've never had it so good. Nurse!

Nurse!

I'm getting one of me headaches, nurse.

There, there, Mr. Chair. Oh, that's lovely.

Who is this man? He's worrying me. Make him go away. No, but Sid, I was... Go

away!

You're exciting him.

Go. I'm exciting him.

Oh, that's better. Feed me some more grapes.

Thank you.