Original subtitles

Huh? Huh?

A flaming duck, it's in the house again.

Morning, Sid.

What's the matter?

Well, either I'm hearing things or that bleeding duck's a ventriloquist.

Did you see it go through here? No.

Well, it's hiding somewhere.

Hey, Art, did you hear that? Yeah.

Well, where's it coming from?

You're a bit old to be playing with toys, aren't you? It's not a toy.

That is a duck warbler.

It's very realistic, isn't it?

I bought it for Anna.

Well, you wasted your money.

You'll never get a duck to blow down that.

Come on, come on.

It's not for Anna.

It's for me to blow through so I can talk to her in her own tongue.

Oh, well, why don't you do it properly? Buy a cow warbler and a pig warbler and

we can have any questions in the barn.

Look.

The trouble with you, Sidney, is that you're not very affectionate.

I don't want to be affectionate with a duck.

When I think how fond that duck is of me, I'm quite cut. Yeah, you're right.

Very cut.

All right.

What's your book?

Oh, it's mine. You can have a look if you like.

Duck Spotting for Beginners. Go on.

No, it's very interesting.

It's all about ducks and their habits, and there are over 40 colour photographs

in there. I see.

Sort of playboy of the feathered world.

Yes, it is.

See if Anna's in there.

What's she?

Play duck of the month?

She'd be under A for Aylesbury.

A for Aylesbury. Hang on.

There she is. Isn't that pretty?

Ah.

Could almost be Anna herself, couldn't it? Yes. What's she say?

Oh, that's very interesting.

What? According to this Anna, it should be Alec.

Alec? Yes.

She's a drake.

I don't believe it. Well, Leo, look for yourself. Here's a picture of the

female. Nothing like her.

Anna is definitely a fella.

No wonder she never laid any eggs.

Well, that's it, you see. This is the only farm in the country with a queer

duck.

Look, don't talk rubbish.

I'm not talking rubbish. Facts are facts.

Look how he follows you about.

Well, he's just very affectionate.

More than affectionate.

He's a feminine.

I mean, you are talking rubbish. I mean, just because a male animal gets

attached to a male human, it doesn't mean to say there's anything queer about

it. Well, it's not natural.

Of course it's natural.

I mean, our brown heifer, she's very fond of the woman who comes to collect

eggs, right?

Yeah. Who wouldn't say she was queer?

Well, I'm not so sure. Have you seen her in that duffel coat and the big boots?

Not the egg woman, the heifer.

Yes, you know, I think you've got a good point there. A very good point.

I mean, we don't really know what that duck thinks about you.

I mean, he obviously knows the difference between a duck and a drake.

he know the difference between a man and a woman?

What we have got to find out is whether that duck just thinks that you are a

friendly fella or a bit of crumpet.

Sidney, I do not intend to spend the morning psychoanalyzing our duck.

Drake. Jack Drake, what does it matter? Good God, if things go on the way we

are, what have the animals left at all?

What do you mean?

We are faced with what is known in financial circles as the balance of

problem. What kind of problem?

Balance of payments.

Too many payments, not enough balance.

And here you are, Sidney, the history of our financial crisis in black and

white, except the bank statements, and they're in red.

Well, let's see. That's two over you.

Three final demand.

Solicit his letter?

I see. Does that mean we're skint? Yeah, Stoney's skint.

Well, that's good, isn't it? We've been in exactly one month and we're bankrupt.

Even the government did better than that.

I think we should call an emergency financial meeting.

Carry on, Chancellor.

Now, the way I see it is this. It's all a question of imports and exports.

What are you talking about?

We're running a 40 -acre farm, not Marks and Spencer.

I'm just trying to put it into simple terms. Simple terms. That's right. Now,

look, you see, if we equate our sales with our exports and our expenses with

imports, we find that our exports vis -à -vis our sales are adversely

disproportionate to our imports vis -à -vis our expenses.

Now, you see, unless we revert our import -export ratio to bring about a

surplus and close the gap, we will continue to have an adverse balance.

Does that old Wilson know about you?

Not the position is this, you see.

Now, our sale of milk and eggs only just cover our overheads. Therefore, our

first priority must be to get an infusion of new capital.

So what do we do? Get in touch with the gnomes of Zurich?

There are two courses of action open.

One, we can sell our assets, in other words, dispose of our livestock.

Or, if we do that, this raises a snack.

I thought it might.

Aha, because...

If we did this, we'd have no sales at all, and we'd be worse off than we are

now. Brilliant.

Therefore, as I said in the beginning, are you listening?

Yes. We must increase our exports.

So what else can we export besides milk and eggs?

You for a start.

Produce, wheat, barley, oats.

And where are we going to get all that? From our 40 acres.

Oh, Blobby, have you been out there on safari lately?

We must have at least, let's see now, 20 acres of nettles and dandelions, 14

acres of king -sized clover and about six acres of swamp.

Well, I admit there's work to be done, but we didn't come here to take it easy.

I did.

Now then, the questions I see is this.

If we can hang on to the harvest, we'll have enough left over to pay off all our

debts and have a little bit left in the bank.

Oh, well then, we'll manage, won't we?

I mean, we're all right, aren't we? All we've got to do is wait for all that

lovely stuff to grow.

Uh -huh.

No, no. No? No. What do we do before we reap?

So? Plough.

Oh. And we haven't got one.

All right, we'll do it by hand. Ah, impossible.

The time we finish ploughing, we'll be showing what the others are reaping. Oh,

blimey, what a performance. All right, we'll hire a couple of ploughs.

What with?

Yes, well, it's back to the bowlers and the brollies.

Oh, no, no.

There is one alternative, Sidney.

Mr. Bromley -Jones next door might lend it a plough.

Bromley -Jones from next door? Oh, he'll fall over himself to help us, he will.

Why not?

Well, for a start, we pinched his prize ball and put it in with our 11 cars for

the night. We'd him in out for six months.

Added to which, I tipped the manure over his classy car.

How's that for a why not? Sidney, you disappoint me? You are a pessimist? I

persuade him. Impossible.

In two minutes, he'll be eating out of my hand.

If you can persuade Bromley Ivan Jones to lend us a plough, mate, it'll be a

miracle. Ah, in that case, make it ten minutes. The impossible I can do at

But miracles take a little longer.

You're Mr Turner? Yes. I'm Mr Gill, butcher.

Oh, what a coincidence.

That's very strange. I've just been talking about you to my partner. Yes,

just been talking about you to my solicitor.

Oh.

All right, how much do we owe you?

Fifteen pounds ten.

You wouldn't consider taking payment in eggs?

No. Either I get my money by the weekend, or you get a writ. From now on,

-O -D.

No money, no meat.

Morning, Mr Gill. Morning, Doc.

I shouldn't try and drum up any business here.

They're broke. Oh, I didn't become a medical man to get rich.

I may be only a veterinary surgeon, but the care of the sick comes before the

pocket, you know. Oh, well, good luck to you.

Good morning.

Good morning.

May I come in for a moment?

How much do we owe you?

Oh, nothing.

Come right in, matey.

And who have I the pleasure of addressing?

Sir Tanner.

Delighted to make your acquaintance.

Doc McBride. I thought I'd just call round and make myself known.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Doc. Not at all, not at all, not at all.

After all, you never know when sickness may strike.

Yeah, that's true, quite true.

Here, while you happen to be here, would you mind having a look at my ankle? I

get twinges, you know.

Well, it's a bit irregular, but if you really want me to... Well, that's very

nice of you. One second a minute, will you? Uh -huh.

Which leg is it? That's the one.

I see.

Ah, well, just turn you around.

There's a slight swelling there, but I don't think there's any serious damage

the fetlock.

Well, thank you.

That's a relief, that is.

Well, is there anything else?

Well, I've been a bit run down lately. I wonder if you had any vitamin pills.

Oh, well, I have, but I don't think that...

Well, I suppose one wouldn't do you any harm. One would be enough.

I think this one will.

I asked for a vitamin pill, not a billiard ball.

That contains every known vitamin.

And one or two that haven't even been discovered yet.

What do I do with it? Sit on it? Kill it? No,

no. Pop it in your mouth and swallow.

I have trouble swallowing aspirin.

Yes. Of course, your gullet isn't as wide as a cow's.

A cow's?

What kind of a doctor are you?

A veterinary surgeon.

What are you doing giving me pills?

Don't worry, it won't do you any harm.

We're all pretty much the same.

I think.

Well, if you show me where the cow shed is, I'll have a wee look at your

carousel. Straight through there, sir.

Thank you very much. Right across the yard. Thank you.

What was that, Sid? It's the Dr. Finlay of the animal world.

Well, did you see Lord Muck? Yes, I saw him. What did he say? Not much, if we

leave out the swear words.

Is he going to lend us the plough or not? I never got round to asking him.

ask him myself.

Don't think you need to bother, Sid.

I think he'll be round here himself any minute.

If not sooner.

He's not going to shoot you.

Don't tempt me. Just a minute.

What's going on here? Well, we had a little mishap with a few eggs.

Six dozen eggs, to be precise.

Well, can't you salvage some and make me a few omelettes? I'm running a farm,

not a transport cafe.

How much were the eggs?

Two pounds.

Plus 50 guineas mating fee for my prize bowl.

Why don't we talk this over like intelligent men?

Intelligent men? Don't you think that would give me an unfair advantage?

It was just an unfortunate chain of events, you know. Starting with you

in here. Oh, we bound to make a few mistakes in the beginning. Can't you

and forget? I was prepared to forget the incident with the manure.

Well, that was an accident. I was prepared to overlook the fact that you

my prize bowl. And that was an accident. And this morning's incident was a

disaster. A total disaster.

Oh, that was an accident. Yes, there you say. Now, listen to me. I will tell you

this. If either of you two gentlemen come anywhere near my farm again, there

will be another accident.

I want that 50 guineas by the weekend.

Otherwise, you will hear from my solicitors.

You are the greatest. You go over there to get us out of trouble, how do we

finish up? 50 guineas worth of soap. I'm sorry, Sid.

You do seem to have the knack of upsetting everybody.

Oh, I don't know.

The local solicitors are probably highly chuffed.

We've had it now.

He's not going to lend us his plough, is he?

Well, gentlemen, you'll be pleased to hear that everything's just fine.

All right.

What was that?

Oh, it's probably that pig face from next door.

But he shot himself.

Oh, no such luck.

You know, I'm surprised at him going duck shooting after what happened last

year. What happened? Well, he accidentally shot Tom Grimshaw's

collie. Peppered its tail with buckshot. Get away. And it cost him over £100 to

hush it up, you know.

Cheerio.

£100 for a champion Welsh collie.

I wonder how much we get for a broken -down Welsh farmer.

I don't

think it's going to work, Sid.

Why not?

Well, um...

He might not shoot in this direction.

He will when you give him a blast on your quacker.

Here, have some of this as well.

What's that for?

Realism. And if you're going to pretend to be shot, you've got to have some

blood on you, haven't you?

It smells like sheep dye.

It's a sheep dye.

Yeah, that should do it.

Sid,

there's no chance of my actually being shot, is there? You don't think I'd let

you do it if there was any danger in it, do you?

Yes. You'll be as safe as the bank of England.

Not in case I've had it.

You've got nothing to worry about.

You say so.

What are you doing?

Giving him a few quacks.

Well, hang on a minute. Wait till I've gone.

Why? There's no point in both of us getting shot.

All right, Vic, don't worry.

Don't worry.

Get him on the seat, Peter.

You'll be all right. Don't worry.

Oh, my God.

All right, mate.

All right. All right.

All right.

How is he?

He's in a bad way, isn't he?

Well, I'm sure it's nothing serious. Well, not for your sake.

I think I'd better take his pulse. Yes.

God, blimey.

What is it? It's stopped.

Oh, my God.

I think I must have forgotten to wind it.

Shouldn't we get him to a hospital? No, no. I don't think he should be moved.

I'm sure it's nothing serious. He is going to be all right, isn't he? He was

very good friend to me.

Mr. Evans.

Mr. Evans.

Speak to me, Mr. Evans.

The pain!

I really think we should get a doctor. No, it's too late.

I'm a goner. No, no, no.

Don't go.

No, don't go. I'm going, Sid.

Goodbye, Sid.

Goodbye. Yes, you can have my share of the farm.

Look after Alec.

Alec? Is that his next of kin?

He's a duck.

The poor chap's delirious.

I'm on my way to that big farmhouse in the skull.

Have you got a friend? Would you get one and come in the kitchen? In the

kitchen, yes.

Farewell, cruel world. Oh, shut up, Sir Lawrence. Don't overdo it.

I just thought that had a touch of realism.

Oh, yeah, very real. I'm on my way to that great farmhouse in the sky.

Well, I got that from Humphrey Bogart.

When he was snuffing, he said penitentiary in the sky. Yeah, well,

Keep on groaning.

Don't forget to ask him about the compensation. Yes, I'll bring it up

in the conversation.

Here we are. Oh,

thank you very much.

I thought that was from Mr. Evans.

Oh, no. We can't give him any strong drink. He might have internal injury.

Oh, dear, yes, how very wise.

Well, if there's anything I can do.

Well, I don't think there's anything anybody can do, really. It would be

compensation for what's happened.

Well, it was purely accidental.

Yeah, I mean, good health is its own compensation.

Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure it is. I mean, just to see my friend on his feet again

would be compensation.

Yes, I'm sure it would be, yes.

However, since you've mentioned it. Mentioned what?

Compensation. Did I mention that?

Three times in the last minute.

Under the circumstances, if there's anything I can do to help, I would only

too happy.

There are one or two jobs you could do for us.

Top meadow?

Ploughed and sown with barley.

Bottom meadow? Ploughed and sown with oats.

Long meadow? Ploughed and sown with wheat.

Ditches? Yes, all dug and drained.

Edges? All trimmed.

Well, that's a lot then. Thank God.

You can do the barn in the morning.

Yes, I beg your pardon. There's a couple of holes in the roof. Well, I would

like to do it myself, but somebody's got to look after Vicky.

Yes, by the way, how is it, sir?

Well, he's had a good night, the patient, but his condition remains

Well, perhaps I ought to pop in and see him. No, no, no, no.

He's under very heavy sedation, you see.

And while he's asleep, he doesn't feel the pain, so I wouldn't like you to wake

him up. I see. Well, perhaps I'd better pop off home, then. Yes, well, see you

in the morning. Yes, right.

Don't forget the paintbrush.

The paintbrush?

For the barn.

But I thought you said the roof needed repairing. Yeah, well, you might as well

give it a lick of paint at the same time.

Don't mind, Alec. No, Uncle Vic delights you even though you've changed your

sex. There we are.

Oh, God.

This is marvellous. This is delight.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.

What's the matter with you?

Well, I'm fed up with lying about you. I want to go out and get a breath of

fresh air.

Get a breath of fresh air? What happens if you bump into Bromley and Ivan Jones?

You're supposed to be fighting for your life. Well, can't you say I made a

miraculous recovery?

No, you can't. Why not? Because you're going to have a relapse.

I have? Yes. I mean, if we play our cards right, we need never work again

after the harvest.

Look, if you think I'm going to lie here till September, you're mistaken.

I ain't getting up and going out.

Well, hurry up. Oh, Rick Amortis might send him if I lie around here much

longer. Well, then get on with it. An addict needs a little turn as well.

Yeah, well, you say goodbye to him. Shut up. Go on, get him out of here. Go on.

And hurry up. Don't go too far. Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Goodbye, goodbye.

Hello? Is that the exchange?

Put me through to Gil, the butcher.

Hello, Mr. Gil?

Clover Farmer. Would you please send four fillet steaks?

A pound of kidneys and two pork chops.

The money? Just send a bill to Mr Bromley -Jones.

Thank you.

Are you there, Mr Turner?

Don't come in, don't come in.

I thought you'd gone out.

Is Mr Evans still on his sickbed?

Oh, yes, yes.

That's strange.

I could have sworn I'd just seen him walking around with a duck.

Oh, never, never. He hasn't left that living room.

Oh, in that case, you won't mind if I go and see for myself?

No, I don't think you should be disturbed.

I'm afraid you're going to have to be.

Yes, well, would you mind giving your boots a wipe, please? Because I'm

expecting the doctor to polish the floor.

Mr Evans, I'm so sorry to disturb you. My apologies.

Straight.

Well, it appears I was mistaken.

I'm so sorry. Oh, goodbye.

Oh, dear.

I left my cap in the living room.

Your cap? Yes.

I'll get it. No, no, no, it's no trouble.

Well, would you mind giving your boots another wipe? You've got them all mucky

again.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Evans. I left my cap behind.

Oh, thank God he's gone.

Oh, Blaine, am I glad you're back.

You just had that twit Bromley Jones in you.

If I hadn't been clever, he'd have rumbled us. I'm safe now. Are you

me? I just have to.

Well, gentlemen, how did you get on today?

Did you plant all my potatoes, Mr. Turner?

Yes, all ten acres.

Oh, good. Capital, capital, yes.

I've gone right over chips.

And you, Mr. Evans, you've got the cleanest pig ties in the country.

Oh, splendid, splendid.

Well, tomorrow you can start sheep shearing.

We don't know the first thing about sheep shearing.

Well, you'll soon learn. I have over 500.

and tell you I'll see you in the morning at five a .m.

It's your blimmin' fault. You and that flaming duck.

He's in the house again.

Look at him. A feathered freak.

Uncle Bigger thinks you're a very clever drake.

Duck. You said he was a drake. If he is, he's queerer than we think. What do you

mean?

That's what he's done.

Ah.