Original subtitles

Huh? Huh?

Well, I'm ready, Sid.

Oh, my God.

The Rue of the Ronda.

Sharp, isn't it?

Yeah, what time do you do back in the shop window?

Do you think I look like an English country gentleman?

You look like a long, thin, overdressed Welsh twit.

At least I don't go around looking like the poor man's Frank Sinatra.

This, mate, is my crumpet clobber.

I tell you something, I've scored more times in this than George's best.

You fancy your chances tonight, don't you, eh? Definitely.

These country birds have never seen anything like me. Yeah, I won't argue

that.

I'll be fighting them off. Yeah?

I think it's your modesty that gets them.

Well, where are we going to find these Randy Ravers, then?

In the village, mate. That's where the action's going to be.

Pass me to locally. Let's have a look, see what Fletchley has to offer.

Right, there you are.

Fletchley on a Saturday night.

Oh, yes, very cosmopolitan. What have you found?

Well, then, there's a whiff drive at the Corn Exchange.

Bingo at the British Legion.

And if we want a really wild time, there's a beetle at the over 60s.

Oh, my God.

How are the mighty fallen?

What? Well, the beetles. John, Paul, George and Richard. No, no, no.

Not the beetles. The beetle. B -E -E -T -L -E. It's the game.

Six for a head, five for a body, four for a tail.

Oh, yeah, I know that one.

That's two for a pair and one for his knob. No, no, no. That's cribbage.

You can tell I'm not a gambling man. Well, what's on at the pictures?

Do you mind? I can read.

Pictures.

Pictures. I don't think I've got any pictures here. I think they're still on

lantern slides.

Of course they have. There's one at the marketplace. It's called the Alhambra

Picture Drome.

Alhambra Picture Drome?

Oh, blum, it is one of the ranked myths.

Well, what's on?

Ben -Hur.

Oh, Ben -Hur?

That's marvellous. That's new and Charlton Heston's very good.

He's not in it.

It's Rudolph Valentino.

I saw that on telly. That's very funny. What time does it start, then? Look,

matey, I am not spending my Saturday night in the local village flea pit

the flavour of the month.

Well, what do you suggest?

Let's go down to the local boozer. That's where the talent is bound to be.

Oh, I don't know, Sid. When you think about it, I mean, what kind of a girl

would go alone?

on a Saturday night to a boozer and chaperone. The kind of girl we're

for. You're absolutely right.

Just a minute, just a minute.

Before we go, let's make an arrangement.

When we get into that boozer, it's every man for himself.

You don't cramp my style and I don't cramp yours.

Right.

Just a minute.

There's one more thing. The first bloke back here with a bird has snogger's

rights.

What's snogger's rights? Well, it's the same as squatter's rights, only more

fun.

If I'm in here, you know, operating with a bird, I don't want you barging in.

And vice versa? Vice versa. We want some kind of signal to signify occupation.

You mean like hanging our trousers out of the window?

I think we can be a bit more subtle than that.

There we are.

See that?

First cloak on, lights out and puts it in the kitchen window. In the kitchen

window. Right.

Ready to go.

Let this go and dip into the flesh pots of Fletchley. Yahoo!

Vicar, it's Dan here.

Look, I've got a couple of nice pheasants if you want one for the

Both lovely birds.

Oh, I see.

Oh, very well, vicar.

Well, if you change your mind to a fancy one, just give me a ring.

It's all happening here, isn't it?

It's a friendly local.

It was recommended by the AA.

What for?

Demolition?

Shop! Yep!

Excuse me, is this your best room?

Yes, you're in it. This is the best room?

This is our only room. Why, is there something wrong with it?

Oh, it's very nice, isn't it?

Very quaint.

Well, now you've approved of the architecture, can I get you something?

Half a keg. And you, sir?

I'll have some absinthe. You got any absinthe?

Is that some kind of a whiff?

It's a drink, mate.

Absinthe. A -B -S -I -N -T -H -E. Oh, yeah, absinthe. French, isn't it? Yeah,

you add water to it. That's right. Goes cloudy.

No, horrible muck.

Half a keg.

Nice joint, isn't it?

A truly rural robber's return, isn't it?

Here we are, sir. Best beer in England.

Bit flat, isn't it?

Oh, sorry, sir.

What was that?

I'll bet you're a bit of a devil with cocktails.

Off the ground.

Here it is.

Gabriel.

Evening, gents.

Looks like rain.

No, no, won't rain tonight.

May have a bit of ill fog, but it should clear by morning.

Might have a few isolated showers in the west, but it'll be mainly dry.

Ah, do you hear that, Sid? Now that's country folk talking, you see. They're

tune with nature.

Marvellous, isn't it? You tell that by looking at the sky?

No.

Weather forecast.

On telly.

Here. How's the beer?

Oh, I've tasted worse.

Do you think I should have one?

Well, what's up to you, matey? I mean, if you want one, you have one. It's very

kind of you. I forgive that.

Gentlemen's pain.

Here.

For you to judge who bought Clover Farm.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Victor Evans.

Sidney Turner.

George Proctor.

One and three. And have one yourself.

Three and nine.

Three and nine?

I only drink whiskey.

I bet you find this a bit different from London.

Yeah, more expensive.

Is that first night out?

Enjoying yourself, eh?

Well, up to now, now.

Oh, well, it'll liven up your... Tom and Harry will be in in a minute. Get away.

I can hardly wait.

Because I never saw Mary come and meet my friends.

These two gents have just bought Clover Farm.

I bet you wouldn't say no to a drink, eh? What's there to drink in?

They'll have the same, pints.

And I'll have another myself.

Here, have for me, please.

Did you say another for yourself, sir? Yeah, might as well. I'll have another

whiskey, thank you.

You care to join us in a game of dominoes? No, thank you very much. I

get overexcited.

Well, if you change your mind, we're over there. Thank you very much.

There's Doss there, if you want him.

No, thanks. As a matter of fact, we'd rather have a couple of birds.

Well,

it just so happens I think I can fix you up.

You mean you can fix us up with a couple of birds?

Yeah, I do it for most of the regulars.

Can the brewery object?

Helps to sell the beer.

I'm not surprised.

They only started it off as a sideline, but there seemed to be quite a demand

for them.

Always has.

Especially around about Christmas.

Everybody seemed to want a bird at Christmas.

Well, you couldn't find a better time, really, could you?

I picked the vicar out with a beauty last year.

The vicar?

Even the curate share one every Christmas.

Very kinky.

I have one myself every Sunday.

You know why?

Nothing I like better than a bit of breast.

It's worse than fighting place.

How many birds have you got, then?

Oh, I keep a couple of dozen on the go.

He's got muscle that don't even show.

You want one, then? Yeah, well, yeah. Two, we want one each. Any particular

kind? No, no, no.

As long as they're not boilers.

Oh, they're in their prime.

Get out of here.

I'm afraid they're not dressed. Oh, that's even better.

Quidditch. Yeah, Quidditch are well worth it. Here we are, then.

A couple of birds.

It's not birds, birds, we want.

Birds.

Girls, here, what kind of hairs do you think I'm running?

Perishing foreigners.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I think we should have bought them, Sid.

Looks like the only birds we're going to get tonight.

Allow me. Oh, sorry.

Oh, thank you.

And it's Corbett.

You can call me Liz. Really?

Victor Evans?

Just call me Vic.

Don't bother to call me. I'm here already.

Cigarette? Yeah, cigarette.

Hang on.

Careful of the light.

And how's Clover Farm?

Oh, how do you know we're from Clover?

I work at the local telephone exchange.

There's not much I don't know.

I'll bet there isn't.

Cheeky.

Who would you like to drink, then? Oh, that's very kind of you. I'll have a gin

and tonic. Gin and tonic for the lady. You're in the church. Don't argue. Keep

lady waiting. You have a keg. I'll have one as well.

It won't be long. Yeah, take your time.

Well, what are you and me going to do, then, tonight?

You're fast, aren't you?

I'm just revving up, darling.

Well, why don't we go out just down the...

I'm back.

That was quick.

The landlord's bringing the drinks over. The trouble with this place, the

service is too good.

It's very cosy, isn't it? Here we are. One gin and lime and two halves a keg.

That'll be £1 .15.

£1 .15?

Well, I had to order a round for George and the boys, didn't I? Thank you very

much. I like it, man. It's generous.

Keep the change.

Thank you, sir.

Hungry? Cheers.

Oh. Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, I enjoyed that.

I'm surprised you even tasted it.

Like I said, are you hungry?

Yeah, well, I'm starving. I thought we'd leave.

What would you like to eat?

Oh, I like curry.

You do? Mm, I love erotic food. Oh!

Yeah, well, let's hit him. No, look, I'm just going to bite this. No, no, no.

Boys, make up your minds.

Three's an orgy.

I don't mind if you don't. Yes, well, just... Where are you going?

I just want to have a word with my friend about who's going to take you out

dinner. Don't go away.

Stay there.

Get in there. I've been.

Doesn't matter. Go again.

There's only one of her and two of us, right? So it's no good both of us

sniffing around. It's only going to spoil it for the other one. Well, I

agree. Right, so you push off. Well, no, why should I? She fancies me. She

fancies anybody. Now, clear off. Yeah, but look, I mean, look, it's not fair.

All right, we'll talk through it.

Edge you get the bird, tails I have. Right, fair enough. Right? Ready? Right.

Have you seen Auntie Sidney?

Have you?

Have you seen Auntie Sidney?

Oh, he's not in yet.

Oh, that's terrible.

Well, you'll be lucky if you see him before milking, eh?

Ta -da, Anna.

Keep watch.

I'm a tiger.

I'm a tiger.

I'm a tiger.

I hope you don't sing all the time. No, no, darling. I know when to shut up.

Here's a kiss.

Oh, can't you wait till we get inside?

No, I want a kiss now.

All right, then. Just a little one for starters.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, blimey.

If that's just starters, I can't wait for the main course.

You'll like the dessert.

he said.

We've got all night. I'm not on duty till ten o 'clock in the morning.

Oh!

There.

There.

Hello. He's bringing her back.

Well, I'll soon stop his little game.

Oh, come on out, love.

I'm getting cold.

Oh, come on, darling. I'll warm you up. Is that a threat or a promise?

Hello.

He's found a bird as well.

Oh, come on. Let's get inside.

No, we can't, darling. Why not? Because Victor's in there, you see.

So what about him? Well, there's a light on in the window.

So? So he's actually... Why don't we go in the barn?

You're joking.

My barn's snogging days are over. Oh, come on, darling.

It's too cold.

All right, let's go in the cow shed. It'll be warm in there.

Look, darling, I'm strictly an interior sprung girl.

Are we going in the house or not? Well, we can't because Victor's in there. Good

night, Vic.

Oh, Liz, darling!

And don't ring me. I'll ring.

And I won't be ringing you.

Oi, kid.

Oh, come on, Vic, hurry up.

Good night, Sidney.

He must have been out all night.

I hope he slept well.

The story of my life.

Start off hoping to spend a night with a nice bit of crumpet. What do I finish

up sleeping with?

An old cow.

Oh, well, I'll see you tonight then, eh?

OK.

Oh. Morning, Sidney. Oh.

Oh, God, I'm making all over.

You look a bit rough.

You look rough, too, if you spent the night in a casket.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Have you got something I can have? Oh, I've got the very thing, eh?

Sidney, I've got the very thing here.

A few drops of this, and that'll get rid of your aches and pains, and I'll go

and pour a cup of tea.

What a shocking taste that's got.

Right, strip to the waist.

Strip to the waist.

What for?

Well, I'm going to rub this embrocation on your back.

Embrocation?

I drank some.

Oh, shut up. It's not funny. Yeah, I know it's not.

I'm poisoned.

What am I going to do?

Oh, don't worry.

It'll probably seep through to the outside.

What do you want me to do with it then? Rub it on your back? Oh, shut up, Tappy.

Just stick it in there. Where's your sense of humour, Sid?

I left it in the couch.

Well,

what time did she go?

What time did you go?

The bird you had in here last night.

What are you talking about?

The only bird in here last night was Anna.

But the light was on in the window. I know. I left it on for when you came

But that was our signal.

Signal? Yes, for having a bird in there.

Oh, yes.

You know, it completely slipped my mind.

What mind?

What a pity, Sid, and you all fixed up with Liz and all that effort wasted.

Who said it was wasted?

Rob, she didn't get anywhere.

I did all right. Oh, you do surprise me. Yeah, she was all over me. Yeah, was

she? I wouldn't leave me alone. Oh, really?

Don't ring me and I won't ring you.

What? Wasn't that after she said the bit about her barn's snogging days were

over?

You were listening. Yes, I was listening, Sid. And you lit that lamp on

Yes, absolutely right, Sid. What a lousy stroke to pull. Yes, almost as lousy as

locking somebody in the lavatory.

Still, I think I'll have better luck tonight.

What are you talking about?

Well, I've invited the lovely Liz to dinner and she has accepted.

She hasn't? Well, she isn't. Fair.

You had your chance last night and she didn't rise to the bait, did she?

But I think tonight I might get a little nibble, speaking metaphorically.

Well, OK, mate, you help yourself.

Just wasn't my type anyway.

Bit of a scrubber, if you ask me.

You get stuck here, mate. You fill your boot. Go on.

Don't worry, I will.

Come on, Sidney, we're late for the milking.

Yeah, well, go on. You carry on.

What are you going to do? Oh, I'll finish my tea. I'll be with you in a

All right.

I'm just coming, ladies.

Oh, God.

Hello? That exchange?

Could I have a word with Liz Corbett?

Tell her it's Victor.

Hello, Liz?

This is Victor, yeah?

Oh, I'm very sorry, Liz, but I'll have to put you off tonight, you see.

Yes, it is a pity.

Oh, indeed to goodness, yes, it is, yes.

Oh, I'm very sorry, Liz.

Sid is here. He would like to have a word with you.

Yes, just a minute.

Sid!

Yes?

Oh, Liz is here on the phone. Would like to have a word with you.

Thank you, mate. I'm coming.

Hello, Liz.

I'm sorry about last night. Well, it's the way it goes, isn't it?

I was wondering if you'd meet me tonight down at the boozer.

You will?

Oh, that's great.

Eight o 'clock?

Right. Ta -da.

Pardon?

You like another word with Victor?

Yeah.

Just a minute.

Hang on a minute. Just a minute.

this once I have another word with her.

All right -o, Sid.

Hello, Liz.

This is Victor.

Oh, I'm very sorry, Liz. No, it's business, look you.

Yes, it's business, you see.

But don't you worry, Sid will look after you. Yes, he's a good chap, Sid. Yes,

very generous.

Yes. Oh, yes, very, very generous, Sid. Oh, don't you worry, Liz. Yes.

Yes.

Cheerio, Bach.

Yeah, cheerio, Liz. Sorry.

Oh, Lord, I've cracked it.

What's the

matter

with the lights? They're not working.

I've taken the bulbs out.

What for?

Well, you don't like lighting when you're wooing a young girl.

You won't be able to find her in this light, never mind, will you?

Don't worry, I'll find her.

Soames Foresight rides again.

Well, where are you going to? Oh, I'll go down to Boozer and have a game of

darts or something.

It's very obliging of you, Sidney. Well, there's no point in me messing it up

for you, is there?

Sidney, I will not forget this. Oh, I'll bet you won't.

Say well, ta -da. Ta -da.

Have a nice time.

Elizabeth, Victor is waiting for you, pussycat.

Ah!

Yeah, yeah. Evening. Yes, I know. Off a kick.

Thank you. Phone.

For me? Yeah.

Hello? Hello, Sid.

Vic. Oh, yes?

Are you all right?

Oh, yes.

Ah, that's good.

Because we were both worried about you.

We?

Practice your Welsh accent, Sid.

And next time, keep your voice down. I can hear you off across the farmyard.

Chilly horse, Sid. Bach.

Would the lady like some of the red wine, or perhaps she would prefer some

the other?

Well, I think we'll have the wine first.

And leave the other till a bit later.

You'll soon pick it up. It's a double to kick off with.

And if you can't go, you knock.

Like that. Yes, sir.