Original subtitles

This is Victor Selwyn Evans.

Four days out of five he manages to burn his hand.

This is Fib Turner.

Note the eager expression with which he greets the prospect of another day at

the office.

The bachelor commuter's breakfast, type A.

A four -minute egg and a cup of black coffee.

Now that's what I call organization.

Blake is obviously a man who has everything under control.

Oh, so much for the four -minute egg.

Let's just hope the coffee's all right.

It looks like it's going to be one of those days.

The bachelor commuter's breakfast, type B.

Cornflakes, a filter tip and toast.

Oh, well, looks like just cornflakes and a filter tip.

have to make do with a cigarette.

Yes, it's definitely going to be one of those days.

So here sit Sid and Vic steadily date -stamping their way towards their

pensions.

Yeah, we weren't raving mad. Yeah, it was worth it, wasn't it?

I should have done it years ago.

Oh, blimey, I'll never forget old Popeye's with that basket over his head,

hurtling down the office on that trolley.

What about that farewell message you sent on the teleprinter?

Yeah, head office to all branches, knickers.

You thought, what are you going to do now, Sid? Oh, I'll find another job, I

suppose. That was a quick rebellion, wasn't it?

Well, blimey, I've got to do something. I'm too old to be a hippie.

Looking for another job as an answer boy? That's exchanging one desk for

another. What are you going to do now? Me?

I'm going to get away from it all. I'm going to go back to nature.

You're going to be a nudist.

No, Sid, listen to this, right?

Here we are.

Far from the madding crowd.

Clover Farm.

Forty acres and out of the rural countryside.

To be sold fully equipped and furnished with twelve dairy cows, forty poultry,

two sows and a mare.

What about it?

I'm going to buy it.

Why? I'm going to go back to the simple life.

See, I fancy myself as a farmer.

Farmer? Yeah.

What do you know about farming?

Well, I worked on a farm once. When?

In 1939.

I was evacuated to High Wycombe.

Oh, Blimey, wouldn't you want to be all right? I mean, you've got nothing to

worry about, have you? You must have been at least seven. Look,

I'll soon get the hang of it again, see.

To tell you the truth, I was hoping you might come in with me.

Me? Yeah, why not?

No, all I know about farming is what I've heard on the arches.

There's nothing to it. You put up half the deposit, get the rest in a mortgage.

What do you say?

No, I don't think so. Be your own boss?

Yeah, that's true.

Out in the fresh air every day instead of being cooped up in a stuffy office?

Yes, you're quite right there.

You only please yourself what you did when you did it?

No, I don't think so. No more stamping invoices?

Go on, I'm weakening.

It won't cost you anything for food. You see, it's all growing there, just

waiting to be picked.

I have heard that some of these country birds are ravers.

They are fantastic.

Yeah. And they'd grab you before you could say combined harvester.

That's it.

You've done it. You will be there.

Let's go.

Let's go. Anybody else?

Just a minute. You won't be needing any help.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Is that it?

Yeah.

What do you think of it?

We've been done.

Quite a minute. Listen.

What?

You know who that is?

It's a cow.

You know what?

Yeah.

I think she's one of ours.

I don't know if she's one of ours.

What's a jersey?

A jersey has a much lower move.

Like this.

All right, all right, never mind. Come on, let's get out of here. Don't be six

mad jerseys chasing us round the farm yard.

I bet you're right.

Come on, get inside.

You've done?

Well, go on. You've moved her here. Tell her to move off.

What do you say now, then? Still think we've been done?

Definitely.

We'll soon have this place looking like home.

Which one?

Battersea Dogs or Chelsea Cats?

What did you expect?

The Ponderosa?

Well, God bless me, look at it.

Look at it, look at the floor.

It's wall to wall stone.

Well, it has got certain advantages.

Such as?

Well, we don't have to hoover it for a start.

It's very hard -wearing, and we can stamp our cigarette ends out on it

damaging the pile.

Very convenient.

Oh, well. Any other complaints?

Yes.

I don't like the wallpaper.

Wallpaper? Yeah, look at it. It looks just like bare bricks.

It is bare bricks.

Very contemporary.

No, but look at it this way, Sue. Yes, I know. It's got certain advantages.

Well, of course it has. We don't have to worry about redecorating. We just...

Mix up a bit of mortar now and then and point it up?

Yes. And we can also strike our matches on it. They're like the fags we're going

to stamp out on the floor.

I think this room has got a lot of character.

Oh, Sid.

Look at that beam.

Now, that is solid oak.

I think it's got dandruff.

And if it's crawling with woodworm, I'll bet you there's more livestock in there

than we've got out in the fields.

Or we can have it creosoted.

What, before or after we point the walls?

Shall we proceed, Sidney, with the tour of inspection?

Might as well. It can't be any worse than this room.

I should have kept my mouth shut.

Well, this is the kitchen.

You're joking.

At least it's functional.

Functional? What a liberty they've got calling it a fully equipped kitchen.

Stroke bathroom.

What?

Kitchen, stroke, bathroom. It says so in the description, see?

Don't tell me this is the bath.

Don't be ridiculous, Sid. Of course it isn't.

That's the boiler.

This is the bath.

Very design centre, that is.

The latest in modern living. The open -plan bathroom, combined with the

Victorian sink and the antique dishwasher.

With a portable zinc bird bath.

Yeah, but looking at it this way, it's got certain advantages.

Yeah, go on, go on. No, but I mean, where else can you take your bath,

in front of the fire, sip your cocoa and watch television at the same time?

That's every modern convenience.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me, have we got one?

We've got two.

Well, don't sound it, because I'd be disused. I'll be right back.

Here, here.

It's not up.

It's out.

Yes,

I think it's through here.

Ah.

There it is.

Well, that's one.

I'll go and find the other.

Don't bother.

This is ridiculous.

You a gentleman than you own it?

Well, that's in the building society.

Very droll.

Well, I'm Holloway, M -O -A -F -F.

Are those your initials, or is it some sort of degree?

Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food, M -O -A -F -F.

Won't you sit down, Mr. Holloway? Thank you.

Sid Turner.

How do you do?

Well,

thank you, Mr... Evans.

Victor Selwyn Llewellyn Evans.

Are you Welsh? Only by birth.

You see, I was born in Wales. I understand that this is your first

farming. Yes, we're refugees from the office.

We decided we'd be far happier pushing a plough instead of a pen.

Well,

on behalf of the Ministry, I'd like to wish you every success.

And in the meantime, you'll require a few of these.

Returns. Milk Marketing Board.

Egg marketing board, potato marketing board, wool marketing board, pig

association,

beet sugar corporation.

How often do you throw these in then, once a month?

Oh, weekly.

Weekly?

Intricate. And that's an information booklet.

Well, I'd be most grateful if you could complete that form as quickly as

possible. In fact, if it's not too inconvenient, I'd like to call round

morning for it. No, no, we'll have it ready for you, don't worry. Well, thank

you very much, that seems to be all.

Well, good day, gentlemen.

Don't bother to see me out.

Goodbye,

Mr. FF.

Look at this, Scott. I thought we'd finished with office work.

Oh, sir, look, it's only once a week. We can easily do it. Well, go on, then. Go

on, you do it. I've added in my ballpoint.

I'd better fill this in, then, wouldn't I?

Just a minute. Yeah?

Shouldn't we be doing something?

Like what?

Well, blimey, there's animals out there.

acres of assorted crops?

When do we start sowing and reaping and milking?

Oh, we don't have to worry about that. That's all taken care of. The people in

the farm next door said they'd look after things, see?

Now let's fill in this form.

Farm registration form.

Name of farm?

Clover Farm.

Total acreage?

29 grants and subsidies.

Number of hens?

60.

The government wished to encourage the expansion of home beef production.

of pigs.

Doom. In order to give direct help to rearers, the government will pay a hill

cow subsidy of 16 pounds 5 shillings a head. Number of cows to... In addition

to... What's that you said?

It says here the government pays us 16 pounds 5 for every cow we've got.

Can I see that booklet?

See?

16 pounds 5.

That's right.

So we'd get about 200 quid for our 12.

If we had 24, we'd get nearly 400 quid.

If we had 50, we'd get nearly 800 quid.

If we had 150, we'd get a couple of thousand pounds.

What a good thing we're both honest men.

Oh, good morning.

Oh, good bloody, what a time to get up.

Well, I've worked out our daily routine.

Listen.

First job after we get up, we do the milking, let out the cows.

Collect the eggs, feed the hens, give the pigs a bucket of swill, water the

horse and clean up the cow shed.

And then we have our lunch.

No.

Then we have our breakfast.

I thought this was the good life.

What are you playing at? No time for that now. There's work to be done.

What? The cows are waiting to be milked.

Don't look at me, mate. I don't know how to milk a cow.

Well, now's a good time to learn. There's nothing to it. Just sit there

pull.

Pull what?

Look, you know, Sid.

Underneath.

I don't have to do that, do I?

What did you expect to do?

Stand it over a bucket and pump its tail up and down?

Sorry, mate, I'm not doing it. I'll go and feed the chickens.

Now, Sidney, we are in this together, and you have got to pull your weight.

right, but I'm not pulling anything else.

Well, why not?

Well, Blum, it's right, is it? I mean, a cow's a female and I'm a male.

What are you talking about?

Well, for example, I mean, if it was a woman, I'd get arrested.

If it was a woman, you wouldn't be arguing.

Anyway, I think we ought to show our cows more respect.

What do you want me to do, Sid, eh?

Buy the cows brass ears?

Well, what's this, then? That is your milking clobber. Oh, thank you. I

you wanted me to operate on them.

Right, all ready?

Just a minute. Aren't we mechanised? Haven't we got milking equipment?

Yes, of course we have.

You think we are.

Here it is.

Now, you just sit down there.

Come on, now, Sid, sit down.

Now, you see, I tell you what, you can have a bit of practice.

Go on.

How's that for a cow's udder?

I think you'd better call a vet.

Now, come on, come on.

Have a pull.

It's silly. I mean, it's only a rubber glove.

Yeah, but it'll help you get the rhythm.

Rhythm? What have I got to do, dance with it?

Don't argue, Sidney.

You just grab a couple of fingers.

Go on, have a pull. No, I'm not grabbing anything. May you do the milking.

Go on. I was going to do another job.

All right.

Well, swap.

You do the milking, and I'll do what you were going to do. All right, that's

what you want. What were you going to do? Clean out the pigsty.

Now, the first thing I'll do, Sidney, you see, you push your head against the

cow's flank like this, you see, to hold it steady.

What for?

Stop it kicking.

Kicking? Then you grab the udder, you see, and you just pull and squeeze, you

see? Pull and squeeze. Like that. Nice, steady rhythm.

Squeeze, pull.

Squeeze, pull.

Squeeze, pull. I can go now.

I need a bit more practice with that glove.

All right, I'm going. All right.

Oh, shut up. I haven't touched you yet.

What do you think she's doing to me?

Get on with it. All right, all right, all right.

Here we go.

Eyes down for a good pull.

Now, I think a matter of courtesy, you should warm your hands first.

She's moving again.

I didn't expect her to do bark.

Look, Sid, you remember?

Pull, squeeze, pull, squeeze, pull.

milking. We want two gallons, not two squirts.

Two gallons.

From where?

From each cow.

Goose.

You've got milk as cramp. Well, he's got to try, then, isn't he?

You know how many of those things I've pulled?

52!

52? 52!

You've only got 12 cows.

To my knowledge, you've only got four each.

No wonder I had trouble with that last one.

I tell you what, you sit down and have a cup of tea, eh?

I suspect you could do with one.

That's it, innit?

We're going to stay like this forever. I'm going to starve to death.

I wouldn't say that.

You'd be great with cucumbers.

Come in.

Morning. Oh, uh, it's Mr. Pettenville.

Morning. Holloway?

Well, I was just, uh...

Just on my way to the office, and I wondered if perhaps you'd completed that

farm's registration form yet. Yes, yes, yes, it's all filled in. Good, thank

you. Oh, yes, here, about the subsidies.

Is that right we get £16 .05 for each cow?

Oh, yes, that's quite correct. I hope you've claimed.

Oh, yes, we've claimed. Good. Well, in that case, I'll be running a lot...

Something wrong, Mr Brixton?

Holloway?

Well, yes, you seem to have increased your dairy herd. Yes, we've added a few.

I would hardly call 150 cows a few.

Well, you have to speculate to accumulate.

Yes.

There's nothing wrong, is there? Why, should there be something wrong? No, no.

Then there's nothing wrong, is there? No. Just that you seem to be entitled

quite a large sum today.

Let me see.

150 cows at 16 pounds 5 shillings a head. That's 2 ,437 pounds 10 shillings.

Approximately. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, of course, we're always welcome to be ready to pay. Well, that's very nice

of you. After all, we're very grateful for the extra milk.

Milk? What milk?

From your 150 cows.

Two gallons per cow per day.

Oh, blimey, that's clobbered in there.

Milky works. Gallons of it.

How much have we got?

Three and a quarter buckets.

Marketing board, 300 gallons.

300 gallons.

Just a minute, please.

300 gallons.

How many points is that?

2 ,400.

2 ,400 points.