Original subtitles

And welcome back to the first annual

Lewis, Roberts & Roberts

Satan's Tongue Spicy BBQ Sauce-Off.

They'll now be attempting

the four-alarm ghost pepper blend.

God help them. God help us all.

Murmur, murmur, murmur.

(groaning) (groaning loudly)

ANDREW: Waiting for reactions, folks.

Ooh, that was a hot and spicy blend,

and down goes Zachary!

Whoa. Attention, everyone!

This is my new assistant, Allie.

ANDREW: ...surprised he made it this far.

Let's clear him out. You'll have to excuse everyone.

It's a really big day around here.

My dad loves this barbeque sauce,

and he's dying for the account.

Or after this next shot, he might just be dying.

Oh, I know about the competition.

Yeah, I had Lauren send me your schedule.

So, I've taken the liberty of placing Tums and Shout Wipes

on everyone's desks.

I love you.

I'm sorry, I mean, thank you.

I love you. Um...

(clears throat) Uh, coffee...

Yes, tepid with a splash

of almond milk. I've been blowing

on it every 40 seconds to cool it down.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, it's not ready. ZACH: Oh, God.

I've never felt so...

Hello.

I'm Zachary, and you are?

Not interested.

What? Okay, you listen to me, boy toy,

and you listen very carefully, okay,

'cause I'm only gonna say this once.

I finally got my own assistant,

and you are not gonna screw this up.

You will not happen to be having lunch

at the same place that she is, you won't just happen

to be grabbing a drink at the same bar,

and you will not just happen to have condoms

when she's bored and hanging out at your apartment.

I was just gonna say hello.

I'll say it for you.

You stay away from my machine.

Back away.

Okay.

(ululating) (yells)

ANDREW: And go for it!

(groaning) (groans, yells)

Shake it off, shake it off.

Here we go. And go for it!

(groans)

I conthede. I conthede.

I-I can't feel my tongue.

(yells)

We have a champion.

Oh, I love this sauce!

Now on to the pitch!

Let's make Satan's Tongue Spicy Barbeque Sauce...

(cheering) ours!

Yeah...!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* Oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh.

So, when our aunt died,

all she had left was her collection

of frogs in sex poses

and a shoebox full of recipes.

Amazing. So in the sweet,

sexually amphibious woman's shoebox,

you found a magic sauce that will make people say,

"Ketchup? What the hell is that?"

(chuckles) He's a huge fan.

Yeah.

I even had this made so I can take

a bottle to the movies and sushi bars.

ZACH: He never goes anywhere

without his sauce jockey.

I'm on a TSA watch list.

Ladies, what is it you're looking for?

What's your wish list?

Well, what we'd really love

is one of those fun jingles

that sticks in your head.

Oh, like the one for petit peas; I love that one.

Yeah, that's Danny Chase.

Best jingle writer in the business.

Could we get him? Get him?

We created him; he'll do anything for us.

If you sign with Lewis, Roberts & Roberts,

he'll do anything for y...

(stomach grumbling) (groaning)

(strained): Ladies, boys.

What? (wheezing): Can I have a word?

(wheezing continues)

Hey, boss,

you okay?

Maybe. I'm either having a heart attack

or my stomach's melting from that sauce.

Fingers crossed it's number two. God, does this hurt.

L-Let me drive you to the hospital.

No, you care too much about the safety of pedestrians.

Andrew? You stay here. On it.

Keep them on the hook. You-you want me to finish

this meeting by myself? Of course.

You do not let these women leave the room without closing

this account, okay?

I'm gonna do it for you, boss.

I'm gonna give you Satan's Tongue.

Fantastic. Ladies?

Mm-hmm?

I've had two dreams.

One was to ride an ostrich down Michigan Avenue,

the other was to meet you.

I'm thrilled to say

(stomach grumbling) I've realized both.

I leave you in good hands.

(chuckles)

Millie, Jane, what can we do

to get you to sign with our agency?

Well, the campaign you've pitched is amazing.

But you should know that we are meeting with other agencies.

Yeah, but are any of these other agencies

gonna be able to get you a jingle written by Danny Chase?

(gasps) That would be so fun.

Who would you get to sing it?

Anyone you want.

But we're just a tiny company.

I doubt you'd be able to get anybody really big.

Think big, ladies. Big!

Brad Paisley.

(chuckles) He's really big.

We'd sign with you right now if you could get him.

You got him!

(squeals)

(laughter)

(chuckles)

You promised them Brad Paisley?

They're a tiny regional brand.

You guaranteed them a huge star.

(stomach grumbling) You over-promised.

Isn't that a classic Simon Roberts move?

But the over-promise is just one of my many moves.

This situation cried out for a nod and switch.

What is a nod and switch? I taught you that on day one, remember?

You asked for a parking space.

I nodded and suggested a bus pass,

because hotties take the bus. There were no hotties on the bus.

Of course not. I tricked you with a nod and switch.

(groans) I validated your idea

then substituted one that would benefit me.

I thought that was called a pivot.

No! Doc,

I think I'm having another heart attack.

It wasn't a heart attack,

but your blood vinegar levels are through the roof.

I think you've been hitting the sauce a little too hard.

But BBQ sauce is the only sauce I can hit.

How am I gonna handle the problems you created without it?

I'm gonna give you and your husband some privacy.

Oh, no, we're not... Thank you, Doctor.

Look, you scare me

when you make that-that squishy angry face.

Stop it, stop it. Okay.

Stop it. Are there any moves left?

Only the most hated move of all, doing what we promised.

Now let's go clean up your mess

and get Danny Chase and Brad Paisley.

You can see my butt, right?

Full moon.

Oh. (howls)

Hey, Lauren, have you seen Allie?

Oh, yeah, she's just making me some oatmeal.

Actually, remaking it.

She went a little crazy with the almonds.

Lauren... You know, I always hated

when you made me redo stuff, but now I get it.

It's a real power trip.

Lauren, you know she's not your assistant, right?

I know that and you know that,

but she doesn't have to know that.

Here you go. Sorry.

Won't happen again, Lauren.

It's totally fine, but see that it doesn't.

(whispering): What a rush.

I'm sorry, I think my head is just in the clouds.

I'm excited.

I met someone this morning.

Really? This morning?

On your way into work, she asked, fearing the worst.

Oh, no, no, no, he works here,

and he's so hot.

We're going out tonight. (squeaks)

Oh! That's so great.

Look, your problem is you're just not used

to people being angry at you.

Yeah, but this is Simon.

Andrew, this is like God saying to Jesus

you should've turned the water into better wine.

And in this analogy, you're Jesus?

Yeah, I just hope the story ends...

I'm sorry, Zach, not everything in this office is yours.

I brought that muffin from home.

There are a million women out there, okay?

And yes, I realize you've probably

Zached your way through most of them,

but couldn't you just

honor my one tiny request

and not go out with my assistant?

I'm not going out Allie. I am.

It was a zucchini banana nut from the corner store

on Halstead, if you want to make things right.

I don't understand.

Why? Is it so surprising that a desirable,

attractive woman would want to go out with me?

Yeah. No. No. No, I just...

needed a little time to process 'cause I thought, you know...

Of course you could have any woman that you want.

It just... Oh, my God, Sydney, It was Andrew, not Zach!

Isn't that insane?

Yeah, we've already established that,

but thank you, Lauren.

Wait, so Andrew gets

to go out with her?

This is BS. Why am I the only one that gets banned?

Wait, you banned Zach?

You don't think I'm even ban-worthy?

Fine, you're banned, too. You can't do that.

You just asked me to. I wanted to be banned.

I didn't say I wanted to adhere to it.

Well, I'm sorry, you can't date her either.

Yeah, stay away from our assistant.

Hey, Syd, Allie is a grown-up. So am I.

We can do whatever we choose to do.

We're all adults here.

Yeah. Hey, by the way,

if anything happens

and your phone accidentally takes a couple pictures,

that'd be cool. Okay, we're mostly adults here.

LAUREN: Hey, you guys.

Danny Chase is on his way up. ZACH: It's gonna be easy

to get him to do this, right?

Well, yeah, he works a lot, but I'm sure

he's still the same sweet kid.

(elevator bell dings)

(laughs)

What up, bitches?

Did somebody call a master jingle-ist?

Because D.C. is in the hizz-ouse.

(chuckling)

Hey. Hi. Oh!

Oh!

That could've been you, Sydney!

50 yards, jingle boy.

In effect till 2015.

You're adorable.

So why me?

Why barbeque sauce?

Why now?

You're great; it's great. You are.

It's a time that worked for all of our schedules.

Look, you guys gave me my first shot,

so I felt I owed it to you to at least take the meeting,

but I thought my agent would've told you,

I don't do condiments.

Your mom was lovely, but she didn't mention that on the call.

Well, then she is no longer my agent.

I just fired her.

Wow. L-Look, this is more than just a condiment.

A condiment is something that you throw

on a meal at the last minute; it's an afterthought.

Satan's Tongue is the main event.

It's more like a meal replacement.

I had one for breakfast, one for lunch,

and then a sensible dinner.

You know what, I'm gonna do something

that I don't normally do.

I'm gonna take off my sunglasses

and I'm gonna really listen.

This sauce of yours,

does it have a story?

It actually does.

(high-pitched squeal)

Begin.

(piano playing) 50 years ago,

there was a strange old woman

with a slightly complicated sex life.

She found her steak to be dry and tough

and wanted to find a way to moisten her meat.

* Is your tenderloin less than tender? *

She went to her cupboard and found molasses,

ghost peppers and seven secret ingredients.

* Seven wonders of the secret spice world *

Shh.

Was that part of the song

or do you want us to actually be quiet?

* It's kind of both because...

You know what? I'm in.

This is officially

a Danny Chase joint.

Yes! Great.

Guess who's gonna be singing your words?

Danny don't guess.

We will tell you right now.

We're going after...

BOTH: Brad Paisley.

(gunshot noises)

I'm out. BOTH: What?

I hate Brad Paisley.

Why? What'd he ever do to you?

Oh, Paisley knows what he did to me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Danny, Danny, Danny, sit, sit.

There's got to be something we can do

to change your mind. Something.

(sighs)

I suppose if Paisley were to apologize to me,

I might consider stomaching him for one session.

We haven't even talked to him. Done!

You will get your apology, sir.

Then you will get your genius jingle.

This is empty.

Why is this always empty?

What have I got to do to get some

melon liqueur up in here?

Lauren! Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What?

I over-promised again, didn't I?

What is wrong with you?!

Oh, my God, I mean, this is insane.

So, I strictly forbade Andrew

from going out with Allie last night, and what does he do?

Goes out with Allie.

I mean, this just makes me so...

Jealous? annoyed.

No, I'm not jealous.

Just upset that someone is going out with my assistant.

It doesn't make it any worse that it's Andrew.

Right, Andrew. Not jealous, got it.

ANDREW: Okay, break it up, ladies.

Let's just get it all out on the table.

Allie and I went out last night,

and while she's perfectly nice,

I don't think I'm gonna be seeing her again.

I just wasn't feeling it, you know?

So, why pursue something if it's not going anywhere?

At least, that's how I put it to her.

Wait, you said that to her? Yeah, at the end of the date.

Thought I should be honest. LAUREN: Who's honest, you psychopath?

You don't tell someone you don't want to see them again.

You lie, you evade, you make up excuses.

There's dead grandmas

and work projects

and colds that linger for months.

Lauren's right. I mean, there's a guy from OkCupid who thinks

I'm in a Mexican jail right now.

Gerald the security guard thinks I'm my own twin sister.

You guys are completely overreacting.

I'm sure she's fine. (scoffs)

(sobbing)

I-I just...

I thought he really liked me.

I can't... I can't work today.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, we have no idea what went down between Danny Chase

and Brad Paisley, but the one thing I do know

is stars like Paisley are notoriously difficult.

You the barbeque sauce dudes?

Yes, sir. Oh, I'm totally in.

Look, I know it's just regional,

but Big Paisley's got to get that sauce money.

Wow. Where do I sign?

Yeah, see, when I care

about a product or a cause,

I'm happy to lend my name to it.

That's the way my mama taught me.

Bless your mama.

Here you go, Brad. Thanks.

Hi, I'm Brad Paisley, and you've reached

Amy's voice mail.

* Leave a message at the tone.

Good one.

Boom, just made 35 bucks.

Oh. Wow.

Brad... May I call you Brad?

Yeah.

Satan's Tongue is a wonderful product,

and this commercial's gonna be the balls.

But there's just one tiny, tiny hitch.

It's silly to even mention it, really.

What? Well, just so you know,

the jingle writer for this campaign is...

Danny Chase.

Who?

Danny Chase.

Never heard of him. (laughter)

(laughing): Didn't expect that.

(high-pitched): I don't know.

Say, Brad,

there's this game that we like to play.

Yeah, this kind of crazy little thing we do once in a while.

"What would you do" is what it's called.

Yeah, "what would you do if..."

All right. Somebody asked you

to apologize to a stranger you've never met before

for something you don't remember doing.

All right, look, fellas, I got two rules.

All right, one:

I don't do a gig without a life-size bust of my head

made out of cheese.

That's reasonable. Yeah. Fair enough.

Second: I don't apologize for nothing.

Should've expected that.

I'm in hell.

Well, Andrew, you broke my assistant.

So now you're gonna fix her. Oh, yeah? How?

Go out with her again, but this time,

instead of turning on the charm, do the opposite.

Make her hate you.

We give her the victory.

And then boom, I get my assistant back.

Sorry, we get my assistant back.

What a fiendishly clever plan.

Um, excuse me, this is your fault.

So you're gonna be part of the solution.

All we're asking is for you

to be just a little less charming.

You think you could do that?

(sighs) Gosh, I don't know.

It's hard to just turn this off.

Are you gonna act like that?

'Cause that will be perfect. Thank you.

(guitar playing) "Again, I am sorry for that thing

"that I did in the past. Mm-hmm.

"I feel so bad about it. Aw. Aw.

"Let's agree to move on

and never speak of that thing I did again."

Wow. That's the best apology letter

Lauren could come up with?

It's worth it for her forgery skills. Ah.

"Sincerely, Brad Paisley."

It takes a big man to apologize on lavender-scented stationery.

(sniffs)

I guess I should thank him for the gesture.

No, no, no, no. No!

Brad is a Southern gentleman.

It took a lot for him to even write that apology.

You know, there's an old Southern saying. Mm-hmm.

About the, um...

Possum who's... um... (stammering)

He's been slighted. Yeah.

And he doesn't hiss when it's been righted. Yeah.

It's not a great Southern saying.

Just old. Yeah. The point is

(Southern accent): you should never, ever talk about this again. Ever.

Never.

Hey, guys, this jingle's pretty great.

* Sweeter than springtime

* Hotter than hell

* There's a fire in my lungs

* Someone call me an ambulance

* I just had some Satan's Tongue. *

Brad, you sound amazing.

Let's start recording. Yeah.

We did it, boss. We got Brad Paisley

to sing a regional commercial. Wow.

I guess someone's retaining

their employee of the month title.

Can't say I'm not relieved.

I had 12 plaques preordered.

(door opens) Where's Danny?

BRAD: Hey, man. Hey.

I just, um...

I just have one question. ZACH: No!

Remember the possum. Doesn't hiss.

Um, would you have apologized to me

if I wasn't one-time Possum. (hissing)

Tuney Award winner Danny Chase? Possum.

(Zach chuckles)

I didn't apologize to you.

It-It's in this letter.

Yeah. Or is it?

Or why are we here?

These and other fun questions could be answered

after the session. In the other room.

Wait, that's not my signature. No?

(sniffs) But that is my signature scent.

And what a lovely scent it is.

Okay, take one, let's go

to the other room.

You lied to me. Well...

Wait, you told him I wrote this?

What? (scoffs)

Why the hell would I apologize

to someone I've never seen before?

You don't know who I am? No.

You don't have any idea what you did to me? No.

DANNY (deep voice): * You've got to know when to hold 'em *

(high-pitched): * And know when to fold 'em.

Okay, I got to stop you right there.

I'm sorry, but the last time

I heard that sound, somewhere a bull

became a steer.

You're un-American.

(buzzer blaring)

So this is what you're angry about?

This is what you've been putting us through hell for?

Because you were cut from a reality show

that airs at 2:00 in the morning

after that infomercial for the thing that shocks your face?

Oh, I remember you now.

You sang like a girl.

Hey, that is called falsetto.

Okay? Oh, I don't know.

You know what really matters, guys,

is that we're all here to sing the jingle,

and we're all gonna make a ton of money.

It's not about the money.

Oh, it's always about the money.

It's about the integrity.

Oh, no, he's throwing the "I" word around.

You all lied to me, and now you expect me

to listen to this joker

bastardize my song? Hey.

(country twang): * Satan's Tongue.

Come on, Danny, be reasonable, please!

Simon, let me handle this.

I have a lot of experience dealing

with people who are emotionally challenged.

(grunting)

Ow, damn!

ZACH: Can we get some ice?

ZACH: Paisley is on his way to the airport

in a Super Shuttle.

The client gets here tomorrow,

and we have no jingle.

I blew it.

I tried to pull the ultimate Simon Roberts,

and I failed.

Please stop asking yourself "What would Simon Roberts do?"

Why? You're the best.

All I want to do is be like you.

Maybe that's my fault, but you know,

after my heart attack...

Uh, the doctor said it was indigestion.

Well, technically, your heart stops when you burp.

But you think to yourself,

who's gonna fill your shoes when you're gone?

What about Sydney?

Her feet are bigger than mine.

You know, I think I've been putting

too much pressure on you to be me.

I feel like once you ask yourself,

"What would Zach Cropper do?"

you're gonna be even better than me.

So what's your next move?

I don't think there are any moves left, Simon.

Nonsense!

These are the moments when moves are born.

You paint yourself into a corner,

then you find your way out, and afterwards,

whatever you did, you give it a cool name.

Yeah, but we've got no singer, no writer, no jingle.

True. Just scraps of audio of two angry men fighting.

Do you know the answer and you're just not telling me?

Maybe I don't and maybe I don't,

but I'm sure you'll

come up with something.

Then I'll give it a cool name.

(indistinct conversation) ALLIE: Morning, boss.

Morning, other boss.

You seem like you're in a much better mood.

How was your date last night?

I mean, if you had one.

Yeah, how was Andrew? If it was with him.

You know what, I have been completely unprofessional.

From now on, it is going to be all business, all the time.

I'll be right back with your guys' coffee.

(sighs) Wow.

Thank God it worked.

LAUREN: Hey, Andrew, you did it.

You totally fixed Allie.

I mean, she is completely over you.

What did you do? Were you just, like, a total jerk to her?

Oh, no, that was a terrible plan.

It was never gonna be followed.

No, but thank you guys for forcing me

to go out with her again.

You know, it's generally against my nature

to second-guess my snap judgments,

but turns out I kind of like her.

You do?

Yeah, uh, you know, once we let our guards down,

it was-was kind of like talking to you.

Okay, here you go. Oh.

Thanks. Thank you.

Oh, Andrew, hi. What's up?

Um, listen, I read online

that there's a Das Schlachtschiff tournament

at the University of Chicago this weekend.

No way. Mm-hmm.

That means Battleship.

We have a mutual love of German board games.

(chuckles) How anyone could pass up

der fuchs over here is beyond ich.

ANDREW: Where's your Milch Kaffee?

I'll go make one. Oh, thank you.

That's milk and coffee in German.

(chuckles)

Wow, they seem really into each other.

SYDNEY: Yeah, they do.

Oh, it's okay, Syd.

We always want them a little more

when they're unavailable, right?

When I heard Gerald the security guard got a girlfriend,

part of me was a little jealous,

but then the bigger part of me didn't want to get murdered,

so I let it go.

Oh, my God, Millie, I can barely breathe.

Brad Paisley is about to sing

about our sauce.

I'm dying. I just died.

Ladies, get ready to have your socks knocked off.

Can I just say one thing?

Zach, we've talked about this. They want a jingle.

I know, of course.

It's just, I thought I might have a better idea,

but for-forget it, go ahead.

Well, if it's better,

then shouldn't we hear it?

No, no, I think it's too extreme.

I think it's fresh. People these days

don't have the attention spans for jingles.

I'm losing focus from myself right now.

Can't I?

All right, fine, do what you want.

You always do.

They're probably gonna hate it.

Look, it's just another way to go.

Meet Satan's Tongue 2.0.

It really

packs the Paisley punch.

PAISLEY: Ow, damn!

(giggling)

We've all heard Brad Paisley sing.

What we haven't heard is him howl in exquisite pain

from your delicious sauce.

And Brad loves this sauce so much,

he's willing to put his voice inside every bottle.

Ow, damn!

Ow, ow, damn!

I love it. I'm dying again!

ZACH: Check it out.

Ow, damn! Hey, boss? Yeah?

I think I just came up with my first move.

It's called the bicker and swap.

Ow, damn! Great work, but you know it's just a nod and switch

with a disagreement at the top. You're really not gonna let me have this one?

You want the top of my mountain, you're gonna have to push me off.

So, ladies, are we good to go? Ow, damn!

And mark. I'll do it for you, boss.

I'll give you Devil's Tongue. Give me Devil's Tongue?

Ah.

Look, Syd, Allie's a grown woman and so am I.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

You stinker!