Original subtitles

Narrator: In the shoe

store...

What happens in the back of

the shoe store stays in the back

of the shoe store.

[ Laughs ]

Narrator: In a corporate

office...

In your opinion...

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: And in a bakery.

Put powdered sugar all over

your face.

Yeah, soft.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Plus, tonight's big

loser shocks the art world.

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

We are at ferrara's bakery,

the oldest bakery in Manhattan.

And today, we're gonna be

working behind the counter.

The challenge is we've got to

do and say whatever we're told.

If you refuse, you lose.

I'm in.

Boom.

Four cannolis.

You want the big ones?

Powdered sugar?

You got it.

Tell me when to stop.

That's the wrong guy to say that

to.

[ Laughter ]

Just unscrew the top, Joe,

and dump it in there..

And there we go.

[ Laughter ]

And a regular cannoli.

Joe, smear chocolate on your

face.

And pop up.

Okay, so...

[ Laughter ]

Let me tell you something... the

chocolate here is delicious.

You know what else is good?

Cake.

Did you ever have the cakes

here?

That's the tiramisu cake.

It looks delicious.

Shove that cake in your face.

Slam it.

[ Groans ]

[ Chuckles ]

Do it!

This and the cannoli are

probably the two things I can't

resist in this place, you know?

Joe, we dare you.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, we got him.

They go fast.

Oh!

He did it!

Would you like some?

Go ahead.

Do it.

Do it.

Yeah.

Yeah!

[ Laughter ]

Do you have any idea how much

tiramisu is up my huge nose

right now?

[ Ding! ]

How are you?

Tell them all the ingredients

and make it a never ending

explanation.

[ Laughs ]

Do you know how they make this?

First, they take chocolate,

sugar.

If you do the sugar too fast, it

coagulates and forms a

crystallized goo.

Keep going.

They frost the top with,

like, a flambé, almost.

[ Laughter ]

The saucer comes from sicily.

They bring it over on a boat

because it has a certain flavor

to it.

Keep going.

The pastry is thinking about

what its like to be a pastry.

She looks like a deer in

headlights.

Two hours later, the chefs

finally turn the oven on.

If it meets all the criteria,

right to your plate.

Do you guys know how they make

these?

[ Record scratches ]

It's actually far more

complicated.

[ Ding! ]

Do your best super Mario

impression.

[ As super Mario ] Hello.

[ Laughter ]

Welcome to ferrara's.

It's me, the cannoli guy!

[ Laughter ]

Talk with your hands more.

Mwah!

Mwah!

[ Laughter ]

A cannoli.

Eh?

Get her to feed you.

Get her to feed you!

You want some?

Oh!

Mmm, mangia.

[ Normal voice ] Four or five?

Put powdered sugar all over

your face.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, soft.

[ Laughter ]

What was that order?

I'll give you a sample.

There you go.

Interesting thing about that

cannoli.

It's made from 100% breast

milk.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Laughter ]

It's really good.

Breast milk.

No.

Come on. Do it.

It's made from 100%, uh...

Goat's milk.

[ Laughter ]

Yes.

[ Buzzer ]

Which one did you want?

This one?

Yes.

Bobble it, as if it's gonna

fall.

Whoa!

Whoa!

[ Laughter ]

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[ Laughter continues ]

Keep going!

Whoa!

[ Laughter continues ]

I'll get you another.

[ Laughter ]

Yikers!

[ Laughter ]

A raspberry tart?

Whisper to the tart.

Be the tart whisperer.

[ Laughter ]

You're a good little tart.

You're gonna go.

You're a good little tart.

Shh.

Come here.

What else?

A cannoli?

One mini one?

You're gonna go home with this

girl, and she's gonna eat you,

and you're feel full.

Yes?

[ Laughter ]

Remember what I said.

[ Laughter ]

Don't talk to the cannoli?

Sorry.

Don't worry.

She's gonna be all right.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Who kicked the bucket?

Q kicked the bucket.

Woo!

Is it worse to take a loss when

there's a horrible pun involved?

It's the loss I can stand.

It's the pun that's killing me.

[ Laughter ]

You're fat.

He just hides it well.

I concentrate it in my core.

I got skinny arms, skinny legs.

You unwrap this present, you

want the gift receipt.

[ Laughter ]

Everyone's got an opinion,

and we want to hear them all.

So today, we're conducting a

focus group.

We've written the questions

for each other, so they're gonna

start out kind of normal then

get really weird really fast.

Yeah.

And the goal is we got to have

the guts to ask every single

question.

Hi.

James. How are you?

Rachel. Nice to meet you.

Hi, Rachel. Come on in.

Have a seat.

Okay.

It's important I mention from

the top, I'm not the client.

Okay.

I simply work for the

focus-group company.

He really fits this role.

He looks like a douche.

What's the last electronic

item that you've bought?

Your iPhone.

IPhone 4.

Has the recession affected

your spending habits?

No.

Okay.

Great.

[ Laughing ] Here's where

it's gonna start taking a turn.

In the future technology

arena...

What?

That's a question?

It is a question.

No.

Next question.

[ Laughter ]

Every time I go.

Every time you go?

Oh, yeah.

Five, six times.

[ Laughter ]

Texting on the [bleep]

Yep.

Pretty much.

What?

You know, like, "oh, these

bitches be tripping."

Stress.

[ Laughter ]

Great.

And the last one is...

[ laughing ] Oh, my god, the

next one.

And, uh, the last question

great.

And the last one is...

[ laughing ] Oh, my god, the

next one.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

[ Laughter continues ]

No.

You would not.

We're all done.

Got through it.

[ Ding! ]

All right.

Done one of these before?

No.

You ready?

Okay.

Do you ever use coupons?

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

Know what this looks like?

It looks like the real guy is

tied up in the closet.

[ Laughs ]

Moving on.

[ Laughter ]

Not really.

Okay.

[Bleep] These are something.

Okay.

How wasted do you need to be to

hit this?

[ Laughter ]

Very?

[ Laughter continues ]

All right.

So, um...

There's no way.

How often would you say per

week...

[ Laughs ]

You know what?

We're actually all done here, so

thank you for your time.

Bye.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god!

[ Buzzer ]

Do you normally watch

commercials?

When they're entertaining, I

watch them.

Gotcha.

Joe's not gonna go through

all these questions.

He's afraid of this guy.

He's afraid of the suit.

[ Laughter ]

Zero, because there's no such

thing as duck rape.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so, if ray-ray comes

around, you might drop a dime.

Depending on ray-Ray's needs.

[ Laughter ]

In your opinion...

[ Laughter ]

Very, not very.

Not very.

It's more "very" than "not

very."

[ Laughter ]

Okay, that's all we have today.

You did great.

[ Ding! ]

How many hours of television

would you say that you watch a

day?

Like, two hours.

Two hours?

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

No.

Absolutely not.

[ Laughter continues ]

Did you come up with the

questions?

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

Female.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] No idea.

Good luck with the next

question.

Oh.

Um...

Uh, well, this one definitely

doesn't apply.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

There's something about being

one-on-one with a woman that I

never got really...

yeah, I heard that about you.

[ Laughter ]

You didn't let me finish!

Narrator: Q is on the ropes

early, but sal is showing

symptoms of loser fever.

There was a time when murr

would do focus groups and, like,

odd jobs.

I did.

So, what's the worst thing

you've done for money?

[ Laughing ] Well...

Oh, we don't want to...

wait, wait, wait.

I retract that question.

[ Laughs ]

We are here at propel shoe

store in Manhattan.

Today, we'll be playing shoe

salesmen.

If you reject a line, you're

out.

Yes.

Do you have this one in

7 1/2?

Throw the shoe over your

shoulder.

7 1/2?

Yeah.

Sure.

I'll find out.

[ Laughter ]

Talk to the woman sitting

down there.

Whisper in her ear, "i'm

married, but what happens in the

back of the shoe store stays in

the back of the shoe store."

I-i-i-I'm married.

[ Laughs ]

Go ahead, buddy.

What happens in the back of

the shoe store stays in the back

of the shoe store.

No way.

All right, buddy.

I bet you can't kiss her.

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

And he does that hand!

Can I go home now, please?

The girl with the hat right

there.

Yep. That's it.

You need help with anything?

You know, you can tell a lot

about a bitch from her shoes.

Not even close.

[ Buzzer ]

Hello.

Welcome to propel.

This guy is begging for it.

Murr, go up and whisper in

his ear.

What kind of shoes you

looking for?

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

Sneakers, or shoes?

[ Laughter ]

This is top-notch material.

Say, "let me go get you this

ting."

[ Laughter ]

Come on.

"Let me get you this ting."

Come on, mon.

Let me go get you this ting.

[ Laughter ]

Murr, help this lady.

Very politely.

Hi.

Would you like any [bleep] shoes

today?

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] Oh, my god.

Come on, murr, get back in

there.

So, how can I help you out?

[ Cheering ]

[ Ding! ]

How you guys doing?

All right?

Everything going all right over

here?

Keep your hand on him.

Do not take your hand off of

him.

Oh.

Quinn, massage his back.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

Oh, your back is really tense.

[ Laughter continues ]

Now, sit down in front of him

and take his hands and put them

on your shoulders.

All right, buddy, it's my

turn.

Come on.

Come on, buddy.

Come on.

[ Laughter ]

Come on.

[ Moans ]

[ Cheering ]

Yeah.

Hi.

You need help with anything

today?

"I would so love to put

whipped cream on your toes and

go to town."

Yeah, say it... Bitch!

[ Laughter ]

What's up, Quinn?

What's up?

"I would so like to put whipped

cream on your toes and go to

town."

Hi. You need help with

anything today?

"I would so love to put

whipped cream on your toes and

go to town."

Yeah, say it... Bitch!

[ Laughter ]

"I would so like to put whipped

cream on your toes and go to

town."

Say it!

Nope.

[ Buzzer ]

You got any chapstick on you?

Chapstick?

No, you can't use my

chapstick.

Are you insane?

I'll put it in my finger or

something.

I don't want your finger on

my chapstick.

That's worse.

Put your finger up, and then

put your finger on my lips.

I don't want to put my finger

anywhere.

Let's keep your fingers and your

lips to yourself.

Sal.

Yeah?

You gonna give it to me?

What?

I'm not gonna give him

chapstick. I know.

You know where that's been.

Size 7?

Yes.

Joey, yell out the shoe

order.

Azlet, size 7!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Do it again.

Get in her face.

Larry, I need an azlet,

size 7!

[ Laughter ]

It's a good pick.

It's a good pick.

[ Laughter continues ]

One more, as loud as you can.

Do it right in her face.

38!

Larry!

38!

[ Laughter ]

Those, size 8.

[ Laughter ]

Nose her foot.

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Ding! ]

Put it against your head.

[ Laughter ]

Tell her to push hard.

Get her foot in the shoe.

[ Laughter ]

Larry!

I need an 8 1/2!

[ Ding! ]

One thing that we have

learned today is that we're

not cut out to be shoe salesmen.

And Larry takes a really long

lunch.

All: Larry!

He's a hell of guy.

All: Larry!

Narrator: That's three

challenges down.

Who will be tonight's big loser?

Murr is always wearing dress

shoes.

This is comfortable to me.

Sal has flat feet.

Yeah, I don't know if you

could tell.

I have the flattest... there is

no arch at all.

There's nothing.

No, don't do that.

No, no, no!

[ Laughter ]

[ Horn honks ]

Yoga.

Pilates.

Body pump.

Street jazz.

These are the classes we are

teaching today.

If anyone walks out of the

class, you lose.

What world do you live in

that you think any credibility

is gonna come out of you walking

in that room looking the way you

look?

I don't have to be

crane-lifted out of my bed.

What is going on there?

These guys are Broadway

dancers.

Yeah.

They're never gonna listen to

us.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hi, everybody.

I'm James.

We're gonna loosen up our arms a

little bit.

Oh, my god.

They're following him.

Everybody out to the side.

You should feel a burn.

"Just like I do when I

urinate."

You know.

Kind of like I do when I

urinate.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, now everyone should reach

over and touch your toes.

"I call it the little John."

This is just like your little

John.

"Skeet skeet."

Skeet skeet, mother [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Skeet skeet, [bleep] Damn.

[ Laughter continues ]

So, let's do a couple moves,

okay?

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

And kind of get the hands going.

That's it.

[ Laughter ]

How much longer are they

gonna buy this crap?

Now, arms.

"Fly the airplane."

Fly the airplane.

And there they go.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me, where are you

going?

We got a [bleep] load more jazz

to go.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Hi, everybody.

[ Laughing ] Look at him.

Look at the swagger.

Ready for a little peaceful

yoga?

All right, just got back from

Tibet on, like, a yoga mission.

[ Laughter ]

But, boy, are my arms tired.

[ Laughter continues ]

Okay.

"This is a great stretch for

your uterus."

All right.

We're gonna do a great stretch

for our uteruses now.

[ Laughter ]

Tell them the downward dog.

Downward dog.

Do we know it?

That's right.

Let's get in that position.

He doesn't know it.

[ Laughter ]

Is this right?

Am I doing this right?

I work here.

Of course I work here.

[ Laughter ]

Look, that guy's leaving.

You don't want to leave

before the uterus stretching.

[ Buzzer ]

How's everybody doing?

They already don't like him.

My name's sal.

I just want to start off with

breathing exercises first.

So, everybody, let's close our

eyes.

Inhale.

[ Breathes deeply ]

"Now open your eyes."

Now open your eyes.

"Now close your eyes."

Now close your eyes.

"Now open them."

Now open your eyes.

And this is called blinking.

[ Laughter ]

"The key to staying fit."

They key to staying fit is...

Is cupcakes.

Cupcakes, right?

Drop them.

"In your mouth."

In your mouth.

Then force yourself to vomit.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

How we doing?

All right?

This stretch is what I call

the frank and beans.

Right.

Here, we're gonna do the frank

and beans.

Knees tight.

[ Laughter ]

Bring it around.

There you go.

Stop it.

Bring it back the other way.

[ Laughter ]

A lot of people ask me how long

I've been teaching.

Don't answer.

Don't answer.

There you go.

[ Laughter ]

Perfect.

Okay.

On top, I like to call this the

"Titanic."."

[ Laughter ]

Feel me, Jack.

I trust you.

I trust you, Jack.

[ Laughter ]

Good.

Bring it down.

Now go crazy, Joe.

Got some cardio going.

[Bleep] The step.

Let's do it.

Do it.

Do it.

Let's do it.

Don't be afraid.

Don't be [bleep] afraid!

Don't make me do this by myself.

It's a journey, people.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Get those knees up.

Knees up, mother [bleep]

It's dance time.

Who's with me?

That's it.

Pump it out.

Pump it out.

Woo woo!

Get on the [bleep] train,

people.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: For q, that was

fail number four, making him

tonight's big loser.

So, we're here at an upscale

art gallery.

Yeah, and we have a crowd of

art lovers coming in to see q's

new photography exhibit.

I suppose these photos are

gems?

They're photos we had of you

that we've edited through the

magic of computers.

Oh, my god.

[ Classical music plays ]

Oh, my god, it's freaking

packed.

I'm gonna throw up.

Ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome tonight's artist,

Brian Quinn.

[ Applause ]

Hi.

I'm Brian Quinn.

Thanks for coming down to

"me, myself & I

(a journey of self-discovery)."

These are photos where I'm my

own muse, and it's about myself

and it's about my own journey.

I have a feeling we're all gonna

be enlightened today.

So, witht further ado...

[ Laughter ]

So, we're here at an upscale

art gallery in downtown

Manhattan to see q's new

photography exhibit, which he's

never seen before.

The pictures start kind of

normal, but at the end, they get

absolutely nuts.

Hi.

Thanks for coming down to

"me, myself & I."

So, without further ado...

All right.

That's me.

Look at how cute that is.

Over here is my second piece.

Yes, I am highly contagious.

[ Chuckles ]

Here we have...

White people problems.

Don't get distracted by the fact

that I'm white.

You know, 'cause that's just...

I look very worried there.

Rich white people up on the hill

on the manor, you know what i'm

talking about?

Meanwhile, I'm down here and I

can't even eat an apple.

[ Laughter ]

Yes.

And here we go.

That is...

[ laughs ]

Wow.

Well, what happened here is it

looks like...

[ laughs ]

Me stepping on Chinese children.

[ Laughter ]

I just got emotional.

Because I feel like...

I feel like I represent america.

This country was built on

stepping on foreigners.

[ Laughter ]

Finally, the end of the journey

here is...

That's great.

Clearly... clearly... there's no

way to sugar-coat it.

It's a picture of me having

coitus with a buffalo.

[ Laughter ]

I think that about wraps up this

for today.

If you want prints and whatnot,

I can certainly get them for you