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PRIEST: And now by the virtue

of the authority vested in me by the laws of the state of Illinois,

I pronounce that you are husband and wife.

May your days be long together

and the joys ever increasing.

Kiss the bride.

(WEDDING RECESSIONAL PLAYING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUTHING)

Hey, there. Hi, there. Hello.

(CHUCKLES) Come here often?

Yeah.

Hi, how you doing? Pretty good.

Mmm-hmm.

This is my place here.

Super.

Mmm-hmm. Impressive, isn't it?

Phew.

I introduced the bride and groom. Did you know that?

Nope. Oh?

Would you like to hear the story?

Sure, yeah.

(SIGHING)

Just get me a scotch. I think that'd be best.

Hey, Linda, what's up?

Hi, how are you?

Good, good. How are you? Fine.

Look at you. You look great.

Not as good as you.

Oh, well, I showered.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Table four. I got the caterer to switch me.

We're gonna be sitting together.

Oh, good, we can catch up.

Absolutely. How you been?

Good. Good.

This is a great house you have here.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Real nice of you to let the kids have it for the affair.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Guess they couldn't spring for a band though, huh?

Do I know you?

No, I'm crashing.

Whose wedding is this anyway?

(LAUGHING) Kidding, kidding.

I'm laughing. (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

No, I'm here with Vicki Pelam.

She went to Northwestern with the bride.

We're getting married next Christmas.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you, thank you.

Don't know where we're gonna have the ceremony yet,

but, gotta tell you, it's a great house. Great, great house.

Hi, honey. Oh, hi, honey.

Honey, this is Linda. This is her house.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God, Lynn. How did they land your house?

I mean, are you like family or friend or what?

Oh, I introduced the bride and groom.

You know the whole story.

Oh, my God, I've been dying to hear about this.

CLIFF: That's true. She called the bride 10 times.

Hasn't gotten one call back.

I'm sure. Yeah.

But, Lynn, tell us the story.

Mmm, I don't know. You don't know it?

She doesn't know it. Oh, no. I know it.

She doesn't know it. I know the whole thing.

You don't know it. Oh, I know it.

I'm responsible for it.

Well, then tell us for Christ's sake.

Yeah, come on, Lynn. Tell us the story.

Well, I'm the hostess. I got a lot of people to see, things to do.

How long could it take? Come on. No, I really can't.

What, five minutes?

It's only five minutes. Mmm, all right.

Fill this up, will you? (CLICKS TONGUE)

Well, Max and Jay have been friends since birth.

Now I come into the picture.

To put it modestly, I discovered Jay.

Really?

I decided that our house would release his first book,

even though every publisher in town had passed.

Well, you could imagine how happy he was about this.

I'm very happy about this.

Okay.

I had the perfect editor for him. A young, fast-rising talent.

Sam.

Samantha Andrews, Jay Murphy.

Sam, Jay. Jay, Sam.

It's very nice to meet you. Hi. You, too.

LINDA: I knew her style was the perfect match for his.

Of course, I was concerned about a possible romance between them,

and how it might affect the book,

but my fears quickly subsided,

because Jay was clearly not in the right frame of mind to be looking for romance.

(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

Is anyone sitting here?

I don't care.

The first thing he thought of regarding Sam and romance was Max.

What up, Chicago?

This is Max Abbitt reporting live at Wrigley Field.

How am I doing? How do I look?

Great. You look great.

You know, I'm not wearing any underwear.

Huh?

Hey, Abbitt, who was that girl who was with you

last night at the Mambo Room?

Keep your glove off her, Sosa.

(CHUCKLING)

You...

What?

Well, who the fuck was she?

What, are we married?

Obviously Max was not having any problem finding women on his own.

But Jay didn't approve of any of them,

and he was convinced that he knew exactly what Max needed.

I thought we agreed not to set each other up anymore.

No, I agreed not to let you set me up anymore

after that girl who you said was perfect for me

tied me up and came out with that hood and cane

and offered to beat the shit out of me.

You didn't like Xena?

No, I didn't like Xena.

I also agreed that I was gonna help put an end to your hedonistic lifestyle.

I know what that means, okay?

I mean, Max, you don't wanna become that 40-year-old guy

who's still out at the clubs

with the silk shirt and gold chains

trying to pick up on college girls, do you?

Of course not, Jay. At 40, I wanna be the bald guy

with the ponytail and a Harley

trying to pick up high school girls.

You're an idiot.

You're the one in therapy.

You're the one who should be.

Maybe you can get me in.

I always wanted to pay 100 bucks an hour

to talk myself out of being happy.

Why are we meeting in the zoo anyway?

It's a good environment.

Show her you're the kind of guy who likes animals.

Oh, you know what? Don't worry about my appearance, okay?

Worry about hers. Trust me, Max, okay?

I don't have to worry about hers.

What, the Queen of England is perfect?

She's not from England.

I thought she was. No, you didn't.

It's just that England's the only country in Europe you know of.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Besides, you know, she's been here so long... WOMAN: What up, Max?

What up? Yeah.

She's been here so long, she's basically been Americanized.

Really?

You Americanize her?

What?

You know, bang her?

Why would I set you up with some girl that I banged?

Share the wealth, brother.

You know? I banged Xena.

I liked the hood and the cape. That's me.

My question to you is, what is wrong with her?

If this girl is so great,

why haven't you banged her yet, Jay?

Neanderthal, she's my editor.

My book is about my ex-girlfriend.

She knows every intimate detail.

So?

Besides, I'm in a mourning period.

I can't even think about another woman.

See? You say shit like that to me,

it makes me seriously question your orientation.

What, you've never been in a mourning period

where you just didn't wanna have sex?

No.

You know what? Maybe this isn't gonna work.

God, lighten up.

You've been away writing a little book in Europe for six months.

Look at me, huh? I've changed.

I'm mature now.

Yeah, I can see that. Lose the toothpick.

What?

Lose the toothpick. It looks ridiculous.

First of all, this is not a toothpick, okay, Mr. Ignorant?

This is an Australian chewing stick.

Ah. Yeah.

See, college boy? I know other countries in Europe.

Yeah, I'm sure you do. Just lose it. It's not her.

No, it's not her. It's me, Jay.

That's why it's in my mouth.

Shut up. Here she comes.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hold this.

Hi. Sam, Max. Max, Sam.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

You like Italian food? A nice chicken parmesan?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

Who is it?

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

I'm coming. Jesus, who is it?

MAX: Open the fucking door.

How could you?

How could I what? What time is it?

It's 6:30.

In the morning? What are you doing here?

What was this, huh?

A setup to, what, humiliate me?

What are you talking about?

I have a reputation in this town, Jay.

And you set me up with this animal?

Animal? It didn't go well?

No, it didn't go well.

For future reference, when you list someone's credentials,

and you say they're beautiful, smart and funny,

here's an idea, don't forget to mention psychotic fucking drunk.

She got drunk?

It was like a scene out of Barfly.

The bride drinks?

Like a fish!

I never saw her drink.

Oh, you never saw her drink.

I took her to Ambria, right?

Only the best restaurant in Chicago.

Usually, it takes two weeks to get in there, but they know me.

Christ, it's gonna take a fucking month to get back in there now.

And she got drunk?

Jay, she got hammered.

Waiter. Hey, hey, hey! Another scotch.

Pronto!

(STAMMERS) I don't believe this.

MAX: Yeah, well, believe it.

This girl is nuts. First she's laughing.

Then she's crying.

(CRYING) There was my fish and there was my kitty-cat

and there was my dog.

They're all dead.

Then she's screaming like a maniac at the top of her lungs.

(SCREAMING)

Check, please.

JAY: Maybe she was just nervous.

In some bizarre circles, you are a celebrity.

First of all, she didn't even know who I was.

What the fuck is that about?

And second of all, she said she drinks like this every night.

I feel terrible.

You should feel terrible.

People recognized me, Jay.

Jay, there were cameras.

(GRUNTS)

This is a nightmare. What can I do?

Very little.

I mean, there is very little you can do at this point.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You got a girl coming over?

At 6:30 in the morning?

Yeah.

Holy shit! It's Sam.

What? What the hell is she doing here?

(KNOCKING CONTINUES) Uh, one second.

I have no idea, but if I were you,

I'd call Cook County and have them rush over with a straightjacket.

What should I do?

You know what? Let me handle this. I want a word with...

Shh! Shut up!

I wanna talk to her.

You know what? Closet.

What? I'm not going in the closet.

Max, I have a professional relationship here, all right?

Let me get rid of her.

One second! I can't get in the closet.

Max, get in the closet!

Leave it open a crack. I'm claustrophobic.

Okay, okay. Uh, coming!

Hi. Hi.

I know it's early, but can I come in please?

Sure. Yeah.

Thanks.

Sam, are you okay?

No, Jay, I'm not.

I know we don't know each other that well,

but I thought we had a mutual respect for each other.

As did I.

So how could you do this to me?

Sam, do you have a drinking problem?

What?

Max told me about last night.

Oh, he did. Yes, and it's okay.

What's "okay"?

To be rude and crude?

To act disgusting like that in a public place?

If you were drunk and are willing to get help, it is.

Not me!

Your animal friend!

Do you know where he took me?

Uh, Ambria, I believe.

Hardly. Try the Crazy Horse.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN WHOOPING AND WHISTLING)

Cheyenne, what up? Hey!

Hey! Hey! What up?

What up? Hey, hey, hey!

Hey.

Hey, what... Come here! Hey, good to see you.

Oh, hello. How are you?

Everyone, girls, I want you to say hi to my friend, Sam.

Sam, say hi to the girls.

GIRLS: Hi.

JAY: Say hi.

Then finally, when the night was over,

this guy, he actually thought it had gone well.

Hi.

You ever have sex in a Mercedes?

Convertible?

He said that?

Twice.

Did I mention this is a convertible?

Huh?

What a dick!

I didn't say that!

How could you believe her?

What the hell is he doing here?

What am I doing... What are you doing here?

Isn't there a liquor store you should be knocking off right about now?

How can you take her side?

I'm not taking any sides. I think you are.

No, it's just that her story sounds a little more like you

than your story sounds like her.

Really? You know her, what, two weeks?

You know me your whole life.

Since we're babies, you know me.

I'm gonna take her to a strip club?

It's wonderful to see that chivalry is not dead.

Yeah? Fuck chivalry. How about some loyalty?

I don't know what is going on here.

But something obviously happened. Something bad.

Why don't you just forget about it and apologize?

I guarantee you'll never have to deal with the other one again.

I'm not apologizing to her.

I'm not apologizing to him.

Max, just apologize, okay?

All right, because I am your true friend, I will apologize, okay?

Are you gonna apologize now? If you do.

Fine. Then I am sorry.

Fine. Then I am, too.

Great. Okay? What? Anything else?

You want us to shake? Why don't we kiss?

Okay, with or without tongue?

Your call.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, man. You should've seen your face.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, Jay. It was Maxie's idea.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. "Maxie"?

It's a pet name. I like it.

You know each other less than 24 hours. You have pet names?

I told you he'd put me in the closet.

It was unbelievable.

It was perfect. We went home and changed.

Wow, you guys really overplotted this thing, didn't you?

Ah! Oh! I thought I'd die.

What happened? I don't get it.

Well... You tell him.

They were acting. You know, role-playing?

Oh, like when we do that thing with the pigs...

Exactly.

(LAUGHING)

I have to get some sleep.

Oh, no. Come on. Let's go get breakfast.

No, I can't. I have to get some sleep. Come on.

All right, I'll call you from the station.

I'll watch your report.

Yeah? I'll wave.

I'll watch you wave.

Okay, enough already. Okay?

I'm meeting Linda tomorrow morning.

Okay.

I think.

Bye. I gotta go.

Bye.

Bye.

I miss you.

What?

Hmm. So what did you kids talk about?

To be honest, I don't even know.

I mean, we have nothing in common.

I mean, nothing.

I mean, she hates sports. I hate books.

She's lived all over the world.

The only time I've been out of the country is when the Cubs played in Tijuana.

I think I love her.

They were engaged two weeks later.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

Spontaneity is so romantic.

Yeah, it is.

Is she pregnant?

I don't think so. Why?

Hey! Hey, you know something?

LINDA: It was that quick. Jay and Sam got to work,

and Max and Sam got to play.

This was the girl for him and he was going to stick to it.

Suddenly, he's a one-woman man.

He tells Dara. You?

You're getting married?

Mmm-hmm.

I give it a month.

Okay.

Then he told the rest of the girls in Chicago.

What up, Chicago?

Not a good day for the ball clubs as the Cubs and the Sox both lose.

But on a lighter note, I'm getting married.

(ALL GASPING)

Oh, there she is.

Everyone who knew him was shocked,

but no one was more shocked than Jay.

This is like a real, live documented case of love at first sight.

Don't you understand?

I can't believe I'm having him move in already.

Well, the getting married thing might have sped up that process.

Do you think we're rushing?

I don't know. It's not really my call.

This is so not like me.

Yeah, it seems nobody is themselves.

My parents think I'm crazy.

So does your cousin. Hi.

Jay, this is my little cousin, Andrea.

I like Dre.

Listen, Jay, I know I'm not supposed to ask this,

but Sam's been raving so much about your book,

I was wondering if I could read it.

I told you it's not finished.

No, it's okay. I would love to hear what you think.

Thanks. I'm really into stories about heartbreak.

Good. You should get a real kick out of this one then.

(HORN HONKING)

Hi, honey!

Hi!

Yeah. Traded in the Benz.

Whoo-hoo. What up?

First time living with a woman.

A little nervous, yet excited.

Think fast, Shakespeare.

MAX: Hey! SAM: Hi.

Come here. Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Squirt, why don't you give me a hand with my stuff?

First of all, don't call me Squirt.

And second of all, 'cause I don't want to.

(IMITATING) "'Cause I don't want to." How long is she here for?

Till Labor Day. Get used to it.

Uh-huh. Okay.

See ya.

Ooh. Where you going?

Movies. Don't have her home too late.

It's 12:00 noon.

Bye, Jay!

Hey, I'd like a goodbye, you brat.

I'm in tight with the family, you know?

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.

I can also see the U-Haul.

But what I can't see are movers.

What is that?

John Madden, sportscaster.

And why would someone want him in their house?

I couldn't answer that, but where is the man who could?

What, is he taking a nap already?

No, he's on the phone.

Then I'm taking a break.

Here. I brought you a cold beer.

Thanks.

This is a great album. Do you mind if I look at it?

Sure, go ahead.

I brought it back from Florence.

I love Florence.

I lived there. That's where I wrote the book.

Yeah, it was this shop with this tiny little entrance,

and you had to duck under these giant horrific lion heads?

I know that place. Are you serious?

I'm serious.

The gelati place right across the street.

Oh, my God, with the 10,000 flavors?

It was the Baskin-Robbins of Italy.

God, what the hell was that place called?

It was like Al... ll...

Al... Al... ll... ll...

ll... Might have been ll.

What are you guys doing?

Al Gelati. Al Gelati. Right!

Right. God! Is that all it was called?

I don't know. I think I had more of a romantic recollection myself.

Hey, I'm not gonna use this. You want it?

Uh, no.

The Bulls.

No, that's all right. I got it.

(MUMBLING)

Hey. Hey.

We're just talking about Florence.

Ah, Florence.

You've been there?

Uh, no, never. What's that?

That's my family.

Oh, yeah? Let me see.

Hey, are these the 'rents?

The what? Parents.

That's my parents.

Yeah. So...

You approve? I do. I do.

Although I probably should've seen these before I moved in.

You know, check out the gene line.

Oh, sorry. What is that, a mole on your mother's face?

That's not a mole. It's on the film.

I'm kidding. They pass. They pass.

SAM: Hey, Max, would you go to Italy with me?

I'd go anywhere with you, baby.

But just so you know, they got great pizza right here in Chicago.

Right, Jay?

Oh, yeah, great pizza in Chicago.

What?

SAM: What about this one?

No.

That's nice. What about this one?

Nope.

Ah, that's so pretty. What about this one?

Mmm? Oh, oh, oh! No.

Honey! We've been through dozens of magazines,

and you can't find anything that you like.

I just want the perfect dress for you, baby. That's all.

I'm allowed to pick out my own gown.

No, no... Whoa! Oh!

Hold everything. No, you won't, 'cause I think I found it.

You found one?

No, no, I found the one.

Are you ready? Yeah.

MAX: Yeah.

SAM: Max, this bride looks like she's dead.

She's supposed to look dead. It's heroin chic.

It's the latest rage.

Honey, I don't wanna look like a dope addict at my wedding.

I'm just talking about the dress, not the corpse.

Let me see. What?

SAM: What kind of a pose is that?

MAX: That's a guy.

Oh, God. This is so, so ugly.

Forty pounds and 16 years...

Let me see. No.

Let me see. Come on. Why? MAX: No.

Because it will upset you.

Max, I've seen the heroin look. It's not gonna upset me.

Please, let go of the magazine.

Yeah, yeah. Let go.

What are you doing? Let go of the magazine.

No. Let go.

Give me the magazine. You're ripping it.

Just give me the magazine. You're ripping it.

I don't care. Give it to me.

What's the matter?

That's his ex, Natasha.

Shit.

Jay!

Jay!

Jay, are you okay?

Jay.

She said she was gonna be a model.

She's a fucking model, isn't she?

Okay, okay, this is just a temporary setback, okay?

I mean, look at Sam and me. I mean, the same thing is gonna happen to you.

Any day now, when you least expect it,

some incredible girl, some beautiful woman,

is gonna just come along and blow Natasha right out of your mind.

Like who? My cleaning lady, Gladys?

I thought she left you.

She did leave me, okay? All women do.

Thank you for replaying that.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. Okay.

Okay, not only will I get you another cleaning lady...

Listen to me. You are a successful writer.

Any day, your confidence is gonna come shooting back,

and then you'll start letting yourself be available again.

I need to call her.

No. No.

You need to forget her.

What you need to do is remember that she treated you like a piece shit.

Don't start with me.

She did, okay?

She was unsupportive. She was a liar. Jay, she was a fucking whore.

How many times did she cheat on you?

Look, Max, you didn't know her like I knew her, okay?

So you can't possibly understand.

Now I know in this little three-week Love Boat episode of yours,

you think you've come to understand what love is.

But you know what? I don't know that you have.

First of all, I resent that, okay?

And second of all, if love, if love takes my best friend

and turns him into a miserable piece of crap for a year,

then you're right, I don't know what it is and I don't want to.

Okay, don't. Jay, what are you doing? Don't call her, Jay!

So Jay is just like this really supersensitive guy?

Oh, yeah. He was devastated by this girl.

That is so romantic. I know.

Except she was a whore.

Well, I don't know if I'd go that far.

Love had blinded him. Exactly.

Except she was a whore. Right, Linda?

Anyway, Jay was real depressed,

and seeing Max and Sam together made him feel even more alone.

And obviously Max's little pep talk didn't work,

'cause he went home, drank some whiskey, threw on an Air Supply CD

and called Natasha's parents for her number in Paris.

(RINGING)

(GREETING IN FRENCH)

Tash?

NATASHA: What do you want, Jay?

You speak French now?

(SIGHS) I do live in France.

You've been there three months.

Jay, why are you calling me?

I just wanted to talk, you know. I have a book deal.

Is someone there?

Yes, Jay. Actually, two other people.

Don't you know? That's all us models do,

is get coked up and have orgies.

(EXHALES)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What?

What, "What"?

What's with the look?

What look?

You just gave me a look, like I did something wrong by smiling at the girl.

What girl? I didn't even see you smiling at anyone.

Come on. You saw me smile at the girl.

What, I can't smile at a girl anymore?

Hey, I don't give a shit who you smile at, okay?

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

I don't have a problem.

What up, Tony?

What up, Max?

Were you ever attracted to other women when you were with Hitler?

I'm sorry. Natasha.

Is that what this is about?

Look, I've never done this relationship thing before. You gotta help me out here.

You said so last night. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I don't know what I can do and what I can't do.

Max, laws of a civilized society still apply.

It's fine to look as long as you don't act.

So I can look?

Yeah.

I can look. I can smile.

I just can't act, right?

What about detailed fantasy-type shit?

(DRUMS BEATING)

(CHEERING)

It's natural to be attracted to other people physically. Everyone is.

What are you saying? Sam is attracted to other people?

As great as you think you are, yeah, I think she probably is.

Who?

Who what?

Who is she attracted to?

What? Hey, don't leave me hanging here.

Max, I got work to do. I'll call you later.

Are you kidding me?

Tell me, what... Hey. Hey!

Hey, who's she attracted to?

Hi. Hey.

You know, I know it's not my business,

but I just wanted to make sure that you were okay from yesterday.

Oh, yeah, I'm a rock.

Well, if you wanna talk...

Have you just

not been able to get someone out of your head?

I mean, you know it's over,

but I walk around with this pit in my stomach,

and everyone tells me I'll get over it.

All I'm asking is when.

Jay, everyone has their own time.

But you know what? I can tell you, it does happen.

I know it happens. It happened in college.

I broke up with my girlfriend, Sarah. Two days later, I was fine.

Did you love her?

I don't know.

I mean, we were stoned most of the time.

It's hard to tell how many emotions were real and how many were manufactured

just to get the other person to bring over more pot.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Samantha Andrews.

(MUFFLED) Is Jay there?

Who's calling?

Jay, please.

It's Max.

Hello?

Don't say my name. It's me.

I'm working here.

Tonight at the Mill, 8:00. Okay? Be there.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh, Mr. Abbitt.

What up?

My friend loves you on the news. She thinks you are it.

She asked me to come over and tell you that she is willing to sleep with you.

No strings attached.

Is that right?

Easy. (LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Hi.

Very tempting,

but how are we gonna have sex if you won't even talk to me?

Did we ever talk?

That's a good point.

Mmm.

I hear you went out with our station's fair weatherman.

I had to do something to get your attention.

Yeah, I don't know that dating Windy Weathers is a real attention-grabber.

By the way, I meant to ask you,

does he go by Windy? Or Wind? Gust?

Are you still going through with this marriage thing?

I am.

And you're comfortable with this?

Mmm-hmm, yeah. I'm very comfortable.

How you doing?

(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS)

Well, my offer still stands, you know.

No strings.

Okay, be good.

Hey. Hey, what up?

Hi, Jay. MAX: Hey,

do you mind making this offer to Jay, huh, for me?

He's still very heartbroken.

What offer?

Bye, Jay.

Oh, Max, you forgot this.

Hmm? Oh, yeah, you can hold on to that for me.

What offer? Hey, what up?

Hey, Max. Good to see you, man.

Thanks.

Max, what offer?

She offered me sex. No strings.

Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

She offered you sex, no strings?

Uh-huh.

My whole life, I've never had a girl offer me sex with no strings.

I get the offer all the time.

Fuck you. Really?

What, you want the offer? I can get you the offer.

What am I doing here? What's with the obscene phone calls?

Stace, can we get two beers?

All right, first things first.

I didn't ask you this morning.

I apologize. All right?

I just didn't wanna hear all the pathetic details before I had my coffee.

Are you okay from yesterday?

I'm fine.

Good, 'cause I don't wanna talk about you. I wanna talk about me.

We spent a year on you and your heartbreak.

I need a night on me, Jay.

I'm listening.

Okay, I'm freaking out.

About?

What the fuck do you think about?

This is all moving very fast.

You wanted a shotgun wedding.

Yeah, I was fine with it, okay, until...

Until the incident last night.

What incident?

Okay, after you went home to mope...

I thought we're not gonna talk about me.

We're not, okay?

But after you left yesterday to go mope,

I hopped in the shower, I grabbed a beer,

and I sat on the couch for, like, hours, mapping out my life.

I started thinking about everything

and how fast it was all happening,

and I started to freak out.

And then I heard Sam calling me.

It wasn't like a yell or a scream or anything,

it was just this soft, angelic, little kind of a whisper,

but it scared the fuck out of me.

SAM: Max.

MAX: So I go upstairs, and I'm real nervous, okay?

I don't know why I'm all clammy and shit.

All these thoughts start flying through my head, like, "What am I doing?"

"Who am I? What is up with the Cubs?"

So I get to the bedroom door,

and I look inside, and Sam's there.

She is so unbelievably beautiful.

I mean, she's perfectly framed in the window.

You know, her hair is all rumpled.

And I go over to her.

And I don't know whether I'd like to jump her bones or flee.

When she attacks me.

She, like, starts tearing at my clothes, clawing my back,

throwing my shoes out the window.

She threw your shoes out the window?

She did things to me I didn't think were possible.

We're not talking about cable porn. This is pure rental.

Okay, Max, I get the idea.

Good. So after this sexual triathlon,

we're laying in the sheets,

sweaty, panting, and it suddenly hit me.

Max, this is the last woman you're ever gonna sleep with,

and you, my friend, are her last man.

(LAUGHING)

That didn't hit you, maybe before you gave her the ring?

It didn't hit me. I mean, I knew it, but it didn't hit me.

Let me make sure I understand what you're saying here.

You're scared of never sleeping with another woman.

You're afraid you can't stop yourself.

I'm not worried about me, you moron. I'm worried about her.

You're worried about Sam, if she's gonna cheat on you?

I'm not the one who went to an all-girls Catholic school

till I was 17.

What?

These Catholic schoolgirls have so much pent-up sexual energy

from being denied it as a youth,

that one day, they just flip out,

lose complete control of themselves and their bodies.

How do I know Sam isn't gonna freak out

and go on a sexual rampage?

Do you know some of these countries she's lived in in Europe

encourage that type of behavior?

I said something funny.

Where's Sam?

She's gonna come in here any minute

and, you know, burst out with some story

how you have a removable penis or something, right?

I'm not kidding around.

Then you're an idiot, and I'm leaving.

All right? I've gotta get some more pages to your sex-crazed fiancée.

Sit down. Sit down. I haven't gotten to the point yet.

Well, get to it already.

I need a test.

A test?

To see if Sam will cheat on me.

Jay. Come on, Jay. I'm serious.

You work together, you're friends, you're fairly good-looking.

Goodbye.

Come on. This is something a guy can only ask his best friend.

Well, I won't do it.

Then I'll get somebody else. I'd love for you to do it.

But, hey, this is my future we're talking about, okay? I gotta be sure.

Max, are you really this insecure?

Yes.

Okay, for the sake of argument,

even though I'm only "fairly good-looking,"

let's say I agree to this, and then she goes for it.

Then what? What do you think, genius?

Then the wedding's off. She failed the test. Very simple.

Wow.

What's "wow"? What is that?

I'm not gonna sit at home alone in a dark room

listening to Barry Manilow records.

Those were not records. That was a radio special.

Okay.

Hey, I'll get over it.

Just like that? Just like that.

I wish I had your heart.

It would've saved me a lot of miserable evenings.

Jay, are you in?

CLIFF: Hold it, hold it. Hold on, hold on everything.

Jay hit on her on Max's orders.

Is that what you're telling me?

You don't know Jay very well, do you?

No. No, not well at all.

What did he do?

He got sick.

Yeah. The whole scheme, preposterous as it sounds, made him sick.

So why didn't he just tell Max no?

Oh, very good question.

Bravo. But obviously you don't know Max that well either.

BOTH: No.

The answer is, Jay knew Max would find someone anyway.

And he felt responsible for anything that might happen

being that he had set them up.

So he got sick?

He got sick.

Couldn't eat.

See, I'd force something down, that's what I would do.

I can see that.

He couldn't sleep.

Tonight, a Jerry exclusive.

It's friends who ask their friends to hit on their girlfriends.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

But the worst part is, he couldn't work.

'Cause every time he was around Sam, he became nervous.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

You've just been extremely jumpy all day.

Oh, no, I haven't.

Actually,

you know what I'm thinking?

What?

Do you think we should really meet as often as we do?

My schedule only calls for us to meet once a week.

Yeah, but twice this week though. Yesterday and today.

I mean, you know, next thing you know,

it'll turn into three times a week.

I'm just thinking, with this cooped-up office feel,

is it really the way to go, Sam.

You know, I almost feel a shortage of air in here.

How's your breathing?

My breathing is fine. What do you suggest?

What I'm suggesting is,

maybe we don't even need to meet, you know, at all.

We could work out of the comfort of our respective spaces,

your office, my home,

and just keep in touch via phone and fax.

What are you thinking?

You're unhappy with my work.

You don't like what I'm doing. You think I'm hurting your book.

Oh, God, no, Sam.

I can ask Linda to remove me. That's not a problem.

No, Sam, I'm sorry. If that makes you happy.

That's not what I meant at all.

The work you've done is amazing.

It's made all the difference.

Are you sure?

I am positive.

I am so sorry. I... We'll stay in the office.

And you know what? We'll meet daily.

Maybe even twice daily.

As long as I'm not interfering with your breathing.

Trust me, it's not you.

MAX: So let's focus on my eyes.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Hi, Jay.

Um, could you... Could you give us a second, please?

Sure. Thanks.

So, uh, what up, buddy?

Your test, okay. That's what's up, okay?

It's killing me. It's affecting my work.

Okay, calm down.

I don't want you having one of your little panic attacks in my office.

Sit down. Sit down. What's up?

Okay, I'm bailing on this test.

You're gonna have to call an escort service,

or whatever your backup plan was,

because I'm not cut out for this, okay? That's it.

Why don't you just look at this as a situation

that you can use in your writing.

Max, every time you want me to do something that I don't want to do,

you tell me to use it in my writing.

"Help me move into my house. It'll be your next book."

Change your tire, write a trilogy.

You're right.

I may have mentioned this before, but this time, no bullshit, okay?

This is your next book. I'm practically writing it for you.

All you have to do is come up with some kind of title.

Take all the credit.

Max. "Jay and the..."

Max, have you been listening to me?

Sam almost quit today.

She thinks I'm uncomfortable around her now, which I am, because of your stupid test.

She does? Yes!

That's perfect.

How is that perfect? This is my career!

Yeah, right, I know.

She must be thinking that she's starting to remind you too much of Natasha.

Excellent.

Hammer that home, okay?

Don't let up on it. Don't be afraid to use it, to use the sympathy, okay?

Keep bringing up Italy. Keep your head down. Mope a little.

Tell her that you can't eat.

I can't eat.

Then don't, okay?

Oh, my God. I give up.

What? No, no, no. Jay Murphy is no quitter.

What would your dad say? Huh, huh?

Shit. Do you remember that book you got me for my birthday?

What's that title? The Roach?

La Rochefoucauld. It's a classic.

Yeah, La Roch...

(MUMBLES)

Anyway, Sam found it.

And? And she wants me to read it.

I think she thinks we're running out of things to talk about.

So read it then.

Read it? I can barely lift it. Here's a little tip.

When you're gonna get literature for your close friends,

books on tape, okay?

What am I... I can't even talk about this.

I'm on the air in five minutes. No blush.

Well, as you can see, Max wasn't giving up,

and Jay just didn't have the strength to fight.

This nagging guilt started coming over him

as to why he had even set up Sam with Max in the first place.

Bottom line is,

he decided he wasn't gonna do it.

You know, he would keep away from Sam, except at work,

and tell Max that he had tried,

and she had turned him down.

Well, that's when I added a little fuel to the fire.

I'm pushing up your deadline six weeks.

Six weeks!

Is there an echo in here?

Linda, it's crazy to rush.

There's a rhythm to this process. Yeah!

Well, speed up your rhythm. I want the two of you together 24/7 for the next month.

Get it done.

JAY: Linda, look, I appreciate all you've done for me,

but I will not rush.

I am standing firm on this. I won't budge.

You don't budge, Jay, your book gets shelved indefinitely.

That means no one will read it, not even your mother.

We own it. We won't give you the rights to distribute it to her.

Got it? Get it? Good.

Okay, I'm having my chest waxed.

So, if there's nothing else, see you both later.

Cruel! (LAUGHING)

You're very, very cruel, Linda.

VICKI: How can you laugh?

You were gonna scrap his book?

Of course, I wasn't. That was just my strategy.

My feeling is, great minds work better under pressure.

And you know what? I think both of them thought about it for a moment

and really respected my decision.

That chain-smoking bitch.

There is no way we'll finish this book in a month.

Jay, we can do it.

We can't do it. No one could do it.

Okay, Stephen King could do it, but no one else.

Bobby, give me another one.

Jay, try to relax. You wrote an amazing first draft.

How long did that take you?

About seven weeks.

So this'll be a snap.

But that was different, Sam.

That was easy then. I had so many feelings to get out.

I kept writing because I thought if I got them on paper

that maybe it would've been enough.

To get her back?

(SIGHS) Yeah.

Or to make a shitload of money and stuff it in her face.

Sam, I can't work today.

Can we just get out of here, take a day,

run around the park, see a museum or something, just clear our heads?

You got it.

LINDA: So they did. Despite my threats,

they went and cleared their heads.

And a day turned into a week.

(INAUDIBLE)

And a week turned into two.

JAY: So what's your most major fault?

SAM: I don't know. What's yours?

I'm not daring enough. I always admired that about Max.

He'll do anything.

Like what?

Like public speaking.

I've always been afraid of crowds ever since I was a kid.

You know, in class, when everyone had to go around the room

and say their names, I used to freak out.

They'd go around in a circle

and by the time they got to me, I'd be completely frozen.

Oh, that's so sad.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

It wasn't like I was the Elephant Man or anything.

Oh, just a little nervous.

Yeah.

And I just always wanted to, once, get up in front of a crowd

and say whatever's on my mind.

So do it. Get up in front of a crowd.

What, now?

Not now. On Sundays at the Mill.

There's an open talent night. You can do it there.

But I don't have a talent.

You can just do whatever you want. Say anything.

Are you talking like stand-up comedy now?

Whatever. I'll go.

I'll laugh no matter what you say.

Hey, maybe I really could be funny.

Hey, maybe I'll really be laughing.

You ever hate your ex-girlfriend so much

that you wish she was dead?

Anyone?

No.

You never have? No.

That's a little hard to believe, okay?

(GASPING)

Anyone else?

Hello?

Hello!

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) How about something funny?

You mean to tell me that no single person in here

has ever hated their ex-girlfriend?

No, you fucking jagoff.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I have.

Thank you.

Me, too, okay?

And it's not that you're a psycho or anything.

It's just that you really, really...

I mean, you really hate her guts.

Don't be afraid to hit that drum.

A little enthusiasm never hurt anyone. Okay.

Come on! I didn't come to hear about your dead girlfriend.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I wish I had my video camera, 'cause...

Stop it. He's trying.

...I'd submit it to Leno or something.

Folks, we came here to laugh, didn't we?

Come on! CROWD: Yeah.

I don't wish my girlfriend was dead. I wish you were dead.

Well, I guess my time is up.

They're giving me the light.

Whoo. Whoo!

Well, keep clapping because I have even better news for you.

The beautiful girl sitting back there

with our favorite sportscaster

is buying drinks for everyone.

(CROWD CHEERING)

That was exhilarating.

Yeah, yeah? 'Cause you sucked.

I had a couple of laughs.

There was one laugh, Jay. It was Sam.

I thought you were great.

It felt great. They had me pissed.

It was a rush, like sex.

You remember sex?

Vaguely. Sam, thanks for the drinks.

Yeah, yeah. This was great, man. This was great.

You can keep doing your shitty comedy, and we can go bankrupt.

Man, that was the stupidest shit I ever heard in my life.

No autograph for you.

And you.

What up?

You suck in the news, man.

(LAUGHING)

(DIAL TONE)

(RINGING)

JAY: Hello? Hey, you sleeping?

No, I'm on the 18th, putting.

Sorry. Go back to sleep.

No, I'm serious. I'm on the 18th, putting.

If I make this, I win.

Shit, I lost. What's up?

(SIGHS) I'm very concerned.

Do you realize we're now down to three weeks to our deadline?

Aren't you worried about this?

Not really. The deadline will be met.

How?

Well, a certain someone has been feeling so energetic lately

that's he been up late nights working

and I've managed to get a couple of pages done

based on the changes we discussed.

Really? That's great.

When can I read it?

Let's meet during the day tomorrow

just to go over a few things,

and then I'll bring the rest to your house tomorrow night.

Tell Max we'll all have dinner.

Oh, great. All right. Sure.

Sorry I called you so late.

All right, see you later.

Okay, good night.

MAX: You wanna have sex?

Do you?

Either way.

(PHONE RINGING)

(ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS)

Hello, you've reached Samantha Andrews.

I'm away from my desk right now.

Please leave your name and number

and I'll call you back just as soon as I can.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Hey, sweetie, it's me.

I'm so sorry. I gotta cancel dinner tonight.

I've got a dinner thing in Detroit.

Hey, hey! You! What up? Max Abbitt!

Hey, what up? What up? What up!

I've gotta do a dinner thing tonight,

then I've got a thing on the Sox tomorrow, Sox Tigers.

Just call me, okay? I love you, all right? Just call me.

What up? Jesus!

(PAGER BEEPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Hi.

Hi, where've you been?

There's a cab outside. Where are you going?

Detroit. I gotta do a thing on the Sox.

Oh, were you planning on telling me?

Uh, as a matter of fact, I was.

I left you a message, but I never got a call back.

Oh. Jay and I were working out of the office today.

Oh, you guys have been working out of the office a lot lately.

How's it going?

It's going well. Yeah. Yeah?

Oh, he's such a great guy. Don't you think?

Yeah.

He's so talented and sensitive.

Did you notice that? How talented and yet how sensitive Jay is?

What do you think about him?

As far as what?

He's not a bad-looking guy.

Oh, that's so sweet.

You're jealous that we've been working together so much lately?

No. No, no.

I'm not jealous.

You're totally misinterpreting the whole situation here.

I love that you guys spend so much time together. You know what I mean?

No, I really don't.

I just wanted to know if you think Jay is a good-looking guy.

Okay? It's no big deal.

Are you taking a survey?

No. I'm saying, I think he is.

I wanted to know what you think.

I'd say he is.

He is?

Where the hell is this going?

It's not going anywhere, okay? Calm down.

I'm calm. You're weird.

(STAMMERS) I'm not weird. Okay? I'm not weird.

Okay, I'll call you when I land.

Okay?

Max.

Oh, hey.

What are you doing? I thought we were having dinner.

Yeah, I... God, I was just gonna call you.

I gotta go to Detroit to do a thing on the Sox. Listen.

I'm feeling like tonight is the night to get the thing over with, okay?

Max, "the thing" is already over with.

Whatever. Listen, do whatever you have to do tonight.

Okay? 'Cause tomorrow I have to know that, yes, I'm going through with this,

and Sam is the woman I'm spending the rest of my life with,

or, no, I'm on my own again.

Okay? Pick me up tomorrow at the airport?

Why can't you ever take a cab?

Hello, I'm taking a cab now.

Pick me up. 5:00, United. Okay?

Oh, by the way,

I...

I put in a good word for you.

You what? Yeah.

I just wanted her to know that you're a good-looking guy,

you know?

Sensitive and... All that other crap.

Max, I gotta be serious with you for a second, okay?

You're real, real fucked up.

Why? 'Cause I wanna make you out to be as tempting as possible?

Do you want her to go for me?

Is that what's happening?

Whoa.

Don't mistake my insecurities

for anything but what they are, all right?

I am totally prepared to marry Sam.

Okay, I'll be at the Detroit Marriott

if anything major goes down.

Okay?

What?

Don't you ever wear a jacket?

All right, let's go.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Come in. It's open.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

Fine. Nothing.

Listen, does Max have any psychological

or chemical imbalances that you know about that I don't?

I don't know. Why? What's up?

What do you think of Max and I?

What do I think?

Do you think we're right for each other?

No, I don't.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

I mean, I was looking for a little outside input.

I'm not really outside though.

I brought the new pages.

Oh, great. You finished it.

Wow.

Did... I'm real sorry to ask this,

but I don't feel like working.

Do you mind if we go out?

What do you wanna do?

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Look at these freaks. What kind of place is this?

Jay?

Yeah?

Did you ever say anything to Max about me?

Like what?

Like you wanted to ask me out or something?

Like I wanted to what?

Four shots, vodka.

We had a really strange conversation earlier.

I think that Max thinks that we should be together.

We are together.

No, what I mean is,

at the beginning he used to tell me all the time

how sweet and beautiful I am,

and all of a sudden he's telling me how sweet and beautiful you are.

Oh, that's just Max being a good friend.

Here, down a shot with me and we'll go dance.

Ready? Yeah.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(STAMMERING) Wanna get a drink?

Yeah. Yeah.

NATASHA: Jay?

Natasha?

What are you doing in Chicago?

Actually, I go by Natasia now.

Whoa. You go by what?

Natasia.

With an I instead of an H.

And I'm here doing a spread for Vogue.

Oh, a spread. How appropriate.

This is Rudolpho.

Rudolpho? You're kidding, right?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I'm Claudette.

You are? My fiancée, Claudette.

Pregnant fiancée, actually.

It's a nice rock, isn't it?

Congratulations.

Yeah, well, you know, my fiancée and I,

we're just gonna head over and get a couple shots.

So, uh, maybe we'll catch you guys later. Have a good one.

Nothing too strong. It's not good for the baby.

Yeah, all right.

Four vodka shots.

Four.

Oh, hey. Oops. Hello!

Where're we going? It's almost midnight.

I've been able to tell time since I was 11,

but thank you.

Andrea. What?

Don't fall in love out there, okay?

It's nothing but heartbreak.

Little piece of advice for ya. Enjoy yourself.

Thanks, Jay.

(LAUGHING)

So, I think you survived.

Yeah, I'm still standing, I'm doing okay.

Now, I know it's hard to believe that

after that little scene back there,

but I've been doing okay lately.

I need to go lie down.

Why don't you go upstairs?

I'll just sleep on the sofa.

Are you sure? Okay. Yeah, no problem.

Jay?

Yeah?

That girl is not for you.

(SIGHS) I know.

I just keep thinking, what if I missed out on the girl who is?

Hey.

Hi.

How're you feeling?

(GROANS) Like 10 bucks.

I read it.

You did? What'd you think?

Well, there's 30 new pages.

Yeah, yeah. I was on a roll. Is it too much?

No. It's not too much. It's beautiful.

(CHUCKLING) It's just that, all of a sudden,

I can't believe how you can write

such eloquent things about her.

Yeah, it helps to have an active imagination.

That way you can mold the characters into whatever you want.

Yeah.

You know that I hadn't dated for two years

before you introduced me to Max?

I didn't realize that, no.

My whole life had been my work.

I'd gone through a heartbreak as well,

but I now understand it was just my ego,

'cause looking back, I don't...

I don't think I really loved him.

But I cried when I realized that he didn't love me.

(SIGHS)

So the $64,000-question is,

how do you know beforehand that you're with the wrong person

so you can avoid having them wreak havoc

on a large portion of your life?

I don't think you do know until you meet the right person.

'Cause then you just... You just...

You just feel something that you know you've never felt before.

Are those words for me, Jay?

Sam, no. You're misinterpreting the whole thing.

Am I?

(SOBBING) 'Cause suddenly she just feels like me.

Wow, this is really awkward.

Yeah, I guess it is.

I'm gonna go.

SAM: I'm confused.

Well, so am I.

But I don't want to get hurt again, Sam, okay?

And now you're marrying my best friend, so this is pointless.

(GASPS)

Whoa, sorry.

Andrea!

What a spot, huh?

To be in love with your best friend's girlfriend.

Fiancée, Cliff.

(CHUCKLING) That he set up!

Oh, Cliff.

VICKI: What'd he do?

Have you been listening at all?

This is a very sensitive man.

Oh, he got sick again?

LINDA: Yes, he got sick.

Again.

Poor Jay.

It gets worse.

You're kidding me.

(BEEPS)

MAX: What up!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

What, you score, huh? You get a little action?

I'm kidding. Forget the airport ride tomorrow, all right? I got...

NATASHA: Jay, it's me. I hope your fiancée isn't getting this.

I'm sorry about tonight.

If you get a chance, I'm staying at the Ambassador Hotel.

Call me.

(RECEIVER CLICKS)

Suddenly his head cleared. Everything went blank.

He forgot about Max.

He forgot about Sam. Yeah.

He forgot about all the hurt Natasha put him through.

And ran as fast as he could to the Ambassador Hotel.

I still have it.

I've missed you.

You embarrassed me with that girl tonight.

Well, it's over. Calm down.

It made me so crazy!

Calm down.

I don't want to be calm.

(RIPPING)

Hey, you just ripped my shirt.

(PANTING) Like that? Pull my hair!

What? I'm not gonna pull your hair.

Pull it!

Jay tried desperately to grab onto whatever

had made him love this girl in the first place.

Wahoo!

All he could think about was Sam.

(NATASHA PANTING)

What is it that you found remotely interesting about this woman?

(GROWLING)

I don't know.

So tell her you don't want her.

Tell her you want me.

Nuh-uh-uh. Don't tell her that.

Sam's my girl, all right?

You stick with the Virgin Mary.

And remember, if you fuck it up again,

you're back to Italy doing another romance novel.

(NATASHA PANTING)

Wait. Natasha, I can't do this.

Where're you going?

I had a really great time but I have to go.

Don't you walk out on me, you fucking faggot!

Thank you for that. It was a memorable last image.

Huh?

Now he knew deep in his heart that he really loved Sam,

but he really had betrayed Max.

Well, he felt so guilty about it

he decided to call Max and confess.

(RINGING)

What up?

Yeah, you up? I need to talk.

Oh, Jay. What up?

What up?

Hey, you're up? Come on in!

Shut up!

(STAMMERING) Who is that? Who is that?

(STAMMERS) It's the maid. What up?

At 6:00 a.m.?

Yeah. I am not the maid, Max.

I'm here because you want me to be here.

Would you shut the fuck up?

Who is that?

What's up? You shut the fuck up.

(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) You shut the fuck up! Jay?

Wait. That's Dara, isn't it?

Jay?

You know what? You're a dick, all right?

(SLAMS RECEIVER REPEATEDLY)

Fucking ass. Fuck you, man.

(SIGHS) Oh, fuck. God. Fuck!

Can't you shut the fuck up?

You know what? There's no more fucking hot water, anyway.

Fuck you! Fuck the... Fuck up!

(SINGING SOUSA FANFARE)

So Max cheated on Sam?

Mmm.

Look at his eyes.

You can tell he's a cheat.

Well, it was exactly what Jay needed because now he felt betrayed.

But, more importantly, he felt the woman he loved had been betrayed.

Now, all loyalties were off. He had to go to her.

Jay? Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

You look like shit.

Yeah, yeah. I'm aware of that.

Do you want to come in?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm fine.

I was just, you know, walking by, getting a little jog in.

You know, that morning walk/jog thing.

In slacks?

Yeah, in slacks.

I'll see you later. I'm gonna...

(IMITATING ROBERT DE NIRO) "Never, ever rat on your friends."

That's Goodfellas.

Oh, that was great, honey.

Thank you, sweetie.

Well, he didn't. Goodfellas or not.

Max and Sam's relationship would have to run its course without his interference.

He decided to stay away.

Jay! Open up.

(POUNDING)

Open up. It's me.

Jay! Go away.

Just open the door, okay?

(KICKING DOOR)

Jay, I'm not kidding. I'm gonna kick it down.

Go for it. It's solid oak.

(CONTINUES KICKING)

I could hear that pouty little fucking voice of yours this morning.

"How could you, Max? How could you?"

Well, you know what? This has nothing to do with you, all right?

What, you think 'cause you set me up with her

you have a stake in our relationship forever?

Well, I'm telling you, fuck you, you don't!

Why am I apologizing to you anyway?

I don't know. I don't either.

I don't owe you anything.

I didn't even know Dara was going to be there, okay?

You gotta believe me here.

I mean, she must have found out somehow, called... I don't know.

She's tracked me down like an animal. Stalked...

It's a stalking is what it is.

Um, I've called the police.

(SIGHS)

Okay. I had to... I had to get it out of my system, Jay.

I had to. One last time.

And you think it's out?

Do you think it's out?

I don't know.

In the middle of the day?

Why are you drinking so much?

I was depressed.

What, over this?

I have depressions that don't relate to you at all, okay?

Look... Okay, I thought I could handle this.

Okay? I thought I was ready for this. Maybe I'm not, okay?

I mean, I never...

I've never had to be loyal to just one woman.

I don't know if I can be.

Well, maybe she can't be loyal to you either.

What the fuck does that mean?

Nothing. It doesn't mean anything.

Oh, it meant something.

What are you saying?

You're a sick, deranged freak.

How could you ask me to try and sleep with your fiancée?

No, no.

I didn't ask you to sleep with my fiancée.

I asked you to find out if she would sleep with you.

And what are you telling me now? What are you saying?

That you did?

Get out.

Did you fuck my fiancée?

Of course I didn't.

Do you think you could have?

I think maybe there was a connection between us.

You think?

I had a real strong feeling.

Join a support group for your fucking feelings, okay?

I want an answer. What happened?

Max, nothing happened.

Okay?

Why don't you just call off the wedding?

You don't love her, do you?

Just let it go.

You're telling me my fiancée wants to fuck my best friend,

and you want me to just let that go?

She wants to cheat on me?

(CHUCKLES)

You're cheating on her, okay? You egomaniac!

Why do you want to marry her?

What do you mean? She's perfect.

You know that. She's everything I ever pictured in a wife.

She's hot, she's smart, she hates fucking cats.

Max, do you love her?

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know.

(MUMBLES)

The way you talk about love,

I don't know if I'm capable of loving anyone like that.

But if I am, it's her.

But that's not fair to Sam, okay?

"Fair"?

You're telling me the woman I want to marry

is thinking of fucking my best friend.

"Fair"? Fuck fucking "fair."

Fuck you. Fuck her. Fuck everybody. "Fair."

That's it. We're going over there. You're coming with me.

We're gonna go and confront her about this, okay?

We're gonna find out what's really going on.

You wanna take this here? Fine.

But you better be prepared to deal with whatever happens,

because I am.

Okay.

I told you to put the bottle away.

I don't want you blurting something out until I feel the moment is right, okay?

Ooh, what is this, a sting operation?

To a certain degree, yes, it is, Jay. Yes, it is.

Chances are you just misinterpreted

something she did, something stupid.

But if you're right, I want to get her when her guard is down.

I need her completely... Jesus.

Oh. Ooh. Hi. Oh, my God.

I thought I heard some voices.

Hi. Where've you been all day?

(STAMMERS) I've been at home.

What's wrong? You look awful.

Oh, I've been drinking.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Hi, Max!

Hi. Hi.

Linda read the new stuff today.

She absolutely loved it.

Good.

Aren't you happy?

This is great news.

Is it?

Well, we should celebrate this great news.

Why don't we make some great pasta,

open a great bottle of wine.

I'm thinking Jay's great garlic bread.

I'm not hungry, okay?

Surely you don't want to deny Sam the pleasure

of your garlic bread?

So, what'd you guys do last night?

Oh, we just went out, had a couple of drinks.

Yeah? Where'd you go?

This place called, um, the Metro?

The Metro?

JAY: Yeah, the Metro.

You know the Metro, Max.

Remember? You used to, like, live there.

You know, Max and the Metro.

Oh. The Metro dance club.

Yeah, they got some dancing and there's a bar.

Yeah, I know.

So, did you guys, uh...

You guys dance, or...

Maybe one dance.

A half a dance.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, just half a dance.

Oh, Jay, I didn't realize you were so fleet-footed.

Well, I'm pretty good, huh?

So, what else did you guys do?

We went home.

Oh, yeah. We just came right home.

Whose home?

What do you mean?

I mean, did you guys come back here to our place

or did you go to Fred Astaire's rat-infested shithole?

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey. Something smells good.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, my God. This garlic bread is great.

Join us. Please.

Thanks.

So...

How was Detroit, Max?

Yeah, Max. How was the old Motor City?

Any action going on in the Motor City?

Always action going on in Detroit, isn't there?

As a matter of fact, I hear there's all sorts of action

going down at the Detroit Marriott, isn't that right?

You wanna shut the fuck up?

Am I missing something?

No.

What happened in Detroit?

Nothing happened in Detroit.

It sounds like something did.

Well, nothing did. He's drunk, okay?

He's been drinking an awful lot lately.

He's right.

Max, did something happen in Detroit?

No, nothing.

How the hell does this get turned on me all of a sudden?

What...

Damn it, Sam, Jay thinks you're attracted to him.

(GASPS)

Well, are you?

Andrea, go to your room now!

(SCOFFS) Right.

Hey, hey, hey! I want an answer here.

What's going on? You tell me.

Are you attracted to him?

You forced it on us, Max.

What?

Forced what on you?

Maybe it was inevitable anyway.

How... What is inevitable?

I love her and I think she loves me.

What?

I'm sorry, Max.

What are you talking about?

Sam, I love you.

I've never loved anyone the way I love you.

I've never, ever felt this.

(LAUGHING)

You... You little dick.

You...

I'm sorry, Max.

No, man, you... You had me going.

Whoa!

You had me going. You sick...

You just tongued my fiancée. Whoo!

Max, Max, I'm not joking.

So, what? You told her... You told her about our test?

Your test, and no, I didn't.

What test?

Oh, good. That's good. "What test?"

So, you told her about the test

and then you concocted this little joke to get back at me?

Let me tell you, for the record, you got me.

Shit, you got me good.

Max. Fine... Bravo.

Max. Bravo, man.

It's not a joke, okay? I love her.

Right. No, I know, Jay. You've told me.

You love her and Natasha means nothing to you.

Yeah, right. Come on!

Jay, what test?

Max had this idea that you might cheat on him

and wanted me to be the test subject.

Keep going, keep going. And you agreed to that?

Of course I didn't agree to it,

but he wouldn't let it go.

You just wouldn't let it go.

What, am I on fucking Candid Camera here? What's going on?

Hey, hey, are you telling me this whole time

I've been after you to see if she's go for you,

what, you've been falling in love with her?

Max, I think I was in love with her before I set you up.

Do you know what you're saying to me?

Don't I feel like a fucking asshole.

No, I feel like the asshole!

You give me a ring,

then you tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me,

and then immediately you ask your best friend to try to get me in bed.

Well, it looks like you're ready to fuck him, so I guess you failed.

(SCOFFS) You're pathetic.

(SCOFFS)

And you. If you love me so much,

how come you set me up with him in the first place?

The truth?

Yeah.

I guess in some sick way I hoped that Max would fall in love with you

and you'd kick his ass like Natasha kicked mine and teach him a lesson.

Well, I guess I failed your test, too.

(SIGHS) (DOOR SLAMS)

"I guess I failed your test, too."

Oh, that is rough.

Yeah, it was.

And Jay, full of guilt, he didn't know which way to turn.

He's gotta go after the girl.

No, he's gotta go after his friend.

Well, he did neither.

Went home, packed up his car,

and drove to New York.

Took the first apartment he looked at.

Called Max. He refused to take his calls.

(RINGS)

What up?

Stop calling me, traitor.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Hello?

LINDA: Anyway, Max moved out.

And he refused to talk to Sam.

And she refused to talk to him.

So how the hell did we get here?

All right. Hold on to your horseshoes, big fella.

Months passed. We released the book.

It was a monster success.

Every heartbroken geek in the country bought it.

And Max?

He found his own book to put to use.

He read,

and he read,

and he read.

And a passage in it made something in him change.

Understanding came over him and he needed to see Jay.

He needed Sam there, too.

He knew she wouldn't talk to him, so he enlisted Dre.

And he enlisted his maître d' friend at Ambria

and it was all set.

BOTH: What was?

Patience.

Um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

What do you think the letter said?

Which letter?

Either letter. I don't know. Tell us!

Uh, could I have everyone's attention? What up?

Here's an advance copy of Jay's next book.

You'll need to read it to find out.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute!

You can't leave us hanging like that.

We didn't even talk about the house!

I know I don't like being the center of attention,

but I have something to say before we get dinner served.

First of all, I just want to say thank you,

thank you all for being here,

on such a special occasion.

It means a lot to us, so thanks.

Even you, Dre.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

All right. I guess on to my toast.

Cliff, come on. Speech.

A couple of years ago, my best friend Jay here gave me a book.

It was written in 18-something or other

by a guy named La Rochefoucauld.

Yeah!

(LAUGHS) That only took two weeks.

Anyway, I finally came across this book

and decided to give it a read.

And while I didn't understand half of this very big, very boring book,

what I did get I wanted to share with you, and it's this.

True love cannot be found

where it does not truly exist,

nor can it be hidden where it truly does.

And with that, as my best friend Jay's best man,

I want to raise my glass

to Samantha and Jay.

And what can I say?

I hope one day I should be so lucky,

we all should be so lucky, to find someone that makes us feel

the way you two obviously feel about each other.

I love you.

I'm getting a little misty so let's, uh, you know...

Too much love in the air.

Let's get some music going

and let's have you all out on the dance floor

for your first dance as husband and wife.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Max.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

So what the hell did the letter say?

Come on, honey. Would you get him away from me, please?

Hey. You wanna dance?

No. No thanks. Come on. Get up.

Not interested. Here we go.

I'm not doing it.

So, uh, you have money, huh?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yes.

Yeah, me, too. It's good.