Original subtitles

A man is walking along a straight road.

He notices a tower subtending an angle of 60 degrees.

Yes, Miss Hennessy?

Where is he going?

That is not important to the problem.

Well, if he doesn't know where he's going, it is a problem. I mean, what if

starts raining and he's wearing suede?

Does that actually happen to me once?

Delightful. No wonder we're outsourcing our tech jobs to Bombay's finest.

Not so fast.

I want you all to do the first ten problems in Chapter 12.

Oh, you know, you know, tonight's not good. See, they're announcing the court

for the Valentine's Day dance, and I'm going to be a little busy practicing my

surprise face for when they name me Queen of Hearts.

Ten more problems.

Let's do your surprise face now.

That's not fair.

Not fair?

Not fair is having your family farm confiscated by the U .S. government.

Is that during World War II at the Japanese internment camp?

No. Last September, my uncle lost his avocado farm for non -payment of taxes.

But thank you for the racial stereotyping.

I'm Chinese.

Can you leave her? No, she's such a witch.

Mom's right here.

Thank you, Rory. No, it's that Mrs. Crouch. She totally has it out for us.

I know she hates Bridget, but why doesn't she like you?

Well, apparently I'm her racist sister.

That would do it.

Do you know what Mrs. Krupp means?

A man. Oh, please. What man in his right mind is going to go out with a lonely,

frustrated, desperate, divorced woman?

Did someone just describe the perfect woman?

Because me ears were ringing, and I don't mean me ears.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You are not going out with Mrs. Krupp. Oh, come on.

haven't been on a date in two years. I can go out with Mr. Krupp if I want.

It's just not a good idea to date someone you work with. Oh, come on. I

work. You've seen me.

You just think so because I'm always sweating.

Mom, how are you to say that someone can't date a co -worker you dated

Gibb and Bridget's tennis coach? And did those work out well? Well, I'm

different. I'm the CJ.

Stop saying that. That's never going to catch on.

At least I got 400 personalized coffee mugs that say you're wrong.

Look, the point is, it's just not a good idea to date Krupp.

I know you, and you're going to just mess things up. Why do you say that?

Remember Cheryl?

Oh, Cheryl.

Who could forget the most beautiful blonde goddess to ever graze the

Yes, all highlights and headlights.

I would want a real classy lady.

Oh, yeah.

She was also Principal Gibbs' girlfriend who tried to seduce C .J. while her

boyfriend watched.

Like I said, a real classy lady.

Yeah, forget Cheryl. That's the past.

I have a feeling that this lonely, desperate woman is my future.

My everything.

What was her name again?

Okay, okay, there she is.

All right, with any luck, I'll be the next Mr.

or Mrs. Krupp.

Mom was right. This is a terrible idea.

Just relax and give me some love ammo.

What are her turn -ons? What are her turn -offs? What makes that little

cat purr?

All we know is she's good at math and delivering punishment.

Ooh, I'm down with half that.

Now, Brad, a D doesn't mean you're stupid.

A C means you're stupid. A D means you're stupid and lazy.

Feisty me likey.

What do you want?

Hey, Mrs. Scruff.

I'm C .J. Barnes.

Who?

I'm one of the subs.

Right. The guy who's always sweating. Yeah, yeah, you noticed.

Hey, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me sometime.

Would I like to? Not particularly.

Will I?

I don't like Thai, Mexican, or Tex -Mex. I'm lactose intolerant and easily car

sick. Pick me up at 7.

Oh, how'd it go?

I really can't hear what you're saying over the sound of wedding bells.

Oh, he is risen. Hallelujah.

She said it was big news.

Actually, this is way bigger. As to no one's surprise, I have been elected to

the court of the Valentine's Day dance. Oh, honey, that's great.

Congratulations.

Oh, great. Another outstanding achievement amplifying and perpetuating

of women as object.

Lighten up. It's a freaking dance.

Oh, I'm so going to be picked queen of hearts.

I don't know. You might have some stiff competition.

Is that girl in the wheelchair running again?

I had the most wonderful time.

Hey, if you had a good date, be a man about it. Pour a whiskey and show me the

pictures.

Dad? Well, it's a lot less creepy than what Doris Day is doing over there.

So the date went well? Oh, the wellest.

It was drinking and dancing and laughing.

And once I picked her up, it got even better.

Oh, God, if your acting was stupid, you must have done something stupid. Oh, far

from it, Carrie Top.

I was a delight.

I tell you, Miss Krupp is pretty fun once you drop a few tequilas down her

gullet.

Sounds like a keeper. Oh, you knows it.

Well, now, CJ, I'm very glad you had a good time, but be careful.

If something doesn't work out, it could be very awkward at school.

Okay, Kate, I know I don't have a lot of experience with non -transactional

dating.

But I've got a good feeling about this.

You know, if this is the sign of things to come, it may never have to end.

CJ, are you expressing genuine, sincere, mature feelings about a woman?

You had to go and make it dirty, didn't you?

Ooh, there's my little cupcake.

CJ, you are so adorable. Aw, you should see me on my pony.

Oh, pumpkin.

Pumpkin.

Girls, I assume you did all your math homework?

Oh, my God, I totally forgot.

It's okay. I know you'll get to it when you have time.

Thank you.

By the way, Carrie, I am Japanese.

I was just being lighthearted yesterday.

You know me.

totally different woman. She didn't need a man. She just needed CJ.

Are we still on for tonight?

I want to cook you a traditional meal.

Wild dogs couldn't drag me away.

Unless, of course, that's what we're having.

Cheryl?

Hi, CJ.

I missed you.

Oh, God, it's the wild dogs.

I love when you call him that.

Hey, look, everybody. It's Cheryl.

So, what brings you to my desk?

Well, I'm here to get my picture taken.

I was nominated for Valentine's Day Queen.

What? How?

You're not even a student.

You came here to get your GED. You're only here two days.

I know, and I ditched one of them.

But apparently some teenage boy made me a writing candidate on account of me

being so good -looking.

Oh. So you're going to take your court picture, then be on your way?

Well, I came for the court, but I was hoping to stay on the chapter.

Wait.

I don't think this is a good idea.

What? Yeah, I can't do this.

Why? Well, you've been out of my life for months and months. You think you can

just waltz back in and play me like a fiddle?

I'm sorry, you're right.

I'll leave. Please don't. I was never going to. I never wanted to do that.

Oh, uh, excuse me. but... Hey, Aunt Kate.

You remember Cheryl.

Sorry you had to see that.

Yeah, I'm just glad I didn't come in a minute later.

Okay, it would have been over by then.

What were you thinking kissing Cheryl? I wasn't thinking.

Not a lot of blood flowing to the brain at that minute.

Hey, did you guys know that Cheryl is back in town?

What? She is?

She thinks she's going to get Queen of Hearts?

The crown is mine.

Well, wait a second. How did Cheryl, a grown woman, get on the Valentine's Day

court?

Have your eyes been put out?

She was a write -in. Apparently, she struck a chord with some prepubescent,

sexually frustrated boy.

My vote is private.

Now, look, CJ, I know that Cheryl is attractive.

But last night, you were telling me that Krupp was the perfect one.

Cheryl has other qualities.

Yeah, they're hard to miss.

If that's some veiled reference to Cheryl's breasts, she likes them

as wild dogs.

Oh, Cheryl's back in town?

Yes, and I walked in on CJ making out with her. Two women in two days?

Read your Bibles, people.

The apocalypse is nigh.

That's right, preacher man. Build your ark and spray for locusts.

CJ's back in the game.

Now, look, I am not going to tell you how to run your private life, but you

playing with fire here.

Look, there's no law that says I can't date two women at the same time.

Yeah, unless you count the law of averages.

But it's just not fair to lead two women on. If you really have feelings for one

of them, you should make a choice. I know, I know, but how do I choose? I

them both for different reasons.

Krupp and I get along so well.

We, like, finish each other's sentences, you know?

She could be my soulmate.

She might be the one.

On the other hand, Cheryl has big boobs and loves sex.

I wonder how Krupp's gonna take the bad news.

What? Why would I hide from you? I told you, I only hide from Border Patrol and

military police.

And leprechauns.

Where did you get that mind?

I once laid at the bottom of a pool for eight minutes.

Hey, listen, I wanted to tell you something.

Oh, I've got something to tell you.

I've done all the shopping for our Valentine's dinner tonight.

Is there anything special you want for dessert?

Yeah, I just, I don't think I can make it tonight.

But pumpkin, it's our first Valentine.

I scattered rose petals. I know, it's just that... I carved butter into

I'll see you, Dave.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Can you come over tonight?

Oh, tonight. Yeah, you know, I can't. I got a thing.

It's Valentine's.

I really want you to come over.

Really?

Really? I've been a bad girl, and if you come over, I'll... I'll let you...

See you at eight.

Well, look at you, old fancy.

Who's the lucky guy?

That must have killed in vaudeville.

Oh, it did.

Yeah.

You got another date tonight?

Actually, I have two.

I'm gonna have dinner with Krupp right after I have Cheryl for dessert.

Well, you didn't break it off with Krupp. No, and I know what you're gonna

Oh, you gotta make a choice. Quit leading them both on. Blah, blah, blah.

Greatest generation. No, no, no.

I admire what you're doing. I'd do the same thing.

Really? Yeah, well, Krupp is smart and kind, and like you said, she could be

one, but you're a single guy. You're not tied down.

You know, I always went for the eye candy myself.

You know, a buck's got to run, a hound's got to hunt. That's right.

I'm a running and a hunting buckhound.

Of course, I was 18.

And you're a grown man.

And a man knows how to treat a woman with the respect that they deserve.

I don't have time for these riddles. What are you talking about?

I'm sure your conscience will steer you straight.

Yeah.

All right.

See you later.

A little more vino, milady?

I'd rather have a little more CJ.

Oh, excellent choice.

I go good with meat.

Or fish.

Mmm. Mmm.

I'm so glad you stopped by my class today.

Me too.

I thought I may have missed my moment.

I thought I'd come back and you'd have a girlfriend.

Me, a girlfriend?

What makes you think I have a girlfriend?

You're so adorable.

You should see me on my pony.

I'd rather see you on my bed.

Ah, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a second.

What's wrong?

Um, I just, I don't, I feel funny. I think that apple wine on an empty

Oh, poor baby.

Do you want me to order takeout?

Are you interested in a little Japanese?

No, what have you heard?

CJ. What?

I'm just not myself tonight, I'm sorry.

Is it me?

Is it something I did?

With the one I bit you?

No, no, that was weird, but I liked it.

Then what is it?

I... I think I'm feeling guilty.

Oh, no.

Don't feel guilty. I like it when you call me those names.

No, I... I lied to you.

I'm actually seeing someone else.

So?

So, that's not fair to you. And I don't want to hurt her.

You're a little thinkier than I remembered.

I can't do this. This sounds crazy, but I think I'm finally getting a

conscience. What?

Oh, I gotta go.

CJ,

there's nothing I can do to make you stay.

I don't think so. I mean, once you get a conscience, I don't know how you erase

it.

Oh, there's this idea.

I can't.

I gotta... Supposed to be at her house an hour ago.

You think she'd like to come over here?

Oh, I'm either very moral or very gay.

Hello, North Tennessee.

Well, Mrs.

Krupp, what a surprise.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Oh, no, no, no. I was just doing some laundry.

You know how that is.

I'm Japanese.

Is C .J. here by any chance?

He's not.

I'm going to need to come in.

All right.

I'm just so upset by what happened with me and C .J. tonight.

Sit down, please.

Look, Mrs. Krupp, I am so sorry.

I tried to tell CJ it wasn't fair to lead two women on.

I'm just sorry that he chose that bombshell over you.

What bombshell?

He just didn't show up for our Valentine's dinner.

Yes, that is exactly the bombshell I was talking about.

It's the dinner bombshell. Boom!

You said he chose someone else. No, no, no, no. I say a lot of crazy things. You

should hear me when I talk about Roswell.

We've got mint bees.

Wait a second.

Today in the hallway, he must have been trying to break up with me.

Mrs. Krupp, I'm so sorry.

I should go.

I'm making a fool of myself with this embarrassing display of emotion.

I just went to your apartment looking for you. I'm so glad to see you.

I hope you and the bombshell will be very happy. What?

Wait. What did you say to her?

Take me to your leader.

Look, it's not what it seems, all right? I chose you. I just left a gorgeous

naked woman in bed for you.

I don't mean I left her in bed for you.

Although that was presented as an option.

I thought we had something.

I thought I'd finally met a nice guy.

I am nice. I made a mistake.

So did I.

Oh, wait.

Mindy!

Mindy? I can't believe this.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Why'd you tell her about

Cheryl? Well, I thought you broke up with Mindy.

Mindy?

And I also thought you were going to do the right thing. Don't ever assume I'm

going to do the right thing.

Oh, Aunt Kate, what's wrong with me? I act so stupid and immature around

It's not just around Cheryl.

CJ? Hello, Cheryl.

I'll make this short.

Cheryl, you have superpowers, and you have to be careful how you use them.

I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my life, because every time I see you, I

want you.

Oh, crap. Let's get this over with. No, I can't. Yes, you can. Just pretend I'm

someone better looking than me. No, no.

What you said really got to me.

And now I have a conscience.

You?

Yeah, I keep thinking about your girlfriend. I think about all the times

cheated.

Sorry, CJ. Now that I have a conscience, I can't make it go away.

Okay. Okay.

That's fair.

That's smart.

Better.

High school's going to be real fun today. Mrs. Crump's going to give us

hours of math homework. Yeah, and do you know how long that's going to take me

to copy off her?

Uh, five hours?

Sorry, I'm sorry for everything.

Who knew I'd finally find a girl I like and it would end up like this?

You know, CJ, this whole thing wouldn't have happened if you followed my advice

not to date coworkers.

Or my advice not to date two women. at the same time. Or my advice... Well,

I, for one, C .J., am proud of you. Oh, pile it on.

No, no, I'm serious.

You screwed up a relationship with two women in the same day.

Power.

The point is you did the right thing.

Even if just for the briefest moment.

I believe the man was speaking.

The fact is that you were willing to give up the eye candy for someone of

substance. Someone you could have had a future with. And that shows real growth.

You're a man now.

Being a man isn't much fun.

You're in.

That's why I've already had a beer.

I am so honored to be chosen. You're a queen of hearts.

Thank you. Thank you. Students of... Liberty High.

not believe I lost Queen of Hearts to her.

I can't believe you copied my math.

I'd still get a D.

I'd also like to thank the boy who made this all possible, the boy who started

the write -in campaign, Mr. Rory Hennessey. Trader!

I'd like to have a quick dance with you, Rory.

Come here.

She's got a way.

Yes, she does.