Original subtitles

No, honey, that was the first point. It just started.

So it's not over?

Sit down.

This is the city championships.

Carrie is very excited about it, and we're here to support her.

Yeah, and I'm going to be here for every game.

That's how much he cares about his cousin.

Ooh, she's bending over.

CJ. The coach. I'm talking about the coach.

I think he's winking at you. No, the other coach, the girl.

Pete, that geezer's my grandfather.

He has glasses. He just forgets where he puts them.

Rory, sit down.

Grandpa can defend himself.

We're a much classier family than that. Oh, my God. The top of her butt is

showing. Nice.

See ya.

Oh, get it, get it.

Great dig, honey.

Kill me out. Kill, kill, kill.

I tell you, we did not need to take this. Let's go. Bridget. Hey, kick them

I'm going to tell her to shut up. No, Rory, don't. There are rules about

behaving this way.

Just go get the lead commissioner. He's on the other side of the court. Oh, you

need me to drive him?

All right, be aggressive and let's run the middle. Owls on three.

One, two, three.

Owls!

Can I help you?

Should I not be standing here?

That is my daughter. And for your information, she's only one or two

below average. Uh -huh. Congratulations.

Okay, sweetie, hit it to the red -headed midget. She's the weak link.

You cannot talk to my daughter that way. Hey, you know what? If I want any crap

out of you, I'll squeeze your head.

Let's go. Go.

Go, team, go.

What do you think about that, you wacko?

Mom. Just a minute, honey. Now shut your yap, or next time you'll be wearing the

nacho, too.

Mom. What?

I found the lead commissioner.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Hey, there you go.

Now take your big mouth and get out.

I'm talking to you.

You have to leave.

Well, what did I do wrong? Throwing your food. The threat. You may not be aware,

but we have rules against parents. Anything like this?

Thank God.

Wait a minute. You cannot do that. She's the one who started it.

I have a walkie -talkie, and I'm not afraid to use it. Oh, this is

Who's that nutjob?

I have never seen her before in my life.

Coach?

DJ Barnes here.

I met you the other day at the volleyball game.

In the huddle.

Listen, wondering if I could buy you a sports drink sometime.

I imagine an active person like yourself needs to replenish your bodily fluids

on a regular basis.

I know I do.

Okay, then. Bye.

Hard to believe one man could have so much game.

I'm so excited about the game today. And I promise, this time I'm going to be on

my best behavior.

Even though it was that wacko mother who started it.

Come on, CJ, let's get going.

Rory, get your grandpa.

Bridget, come on.

You didn't tell your mom she can't go to the game? I haven't found the right

time. I just know she's going to be upset.

Well, if you don't have the nerve to tell her, I will.

Tell me what?

How great that outfit looks on you. Look at that with the textures and the thing

and the wrap. That's nice.

I'll be in the car.

Um, Mom, CJ wasn't telling you the whole truth.

He doesn't like the textures?

I don't want you to go to my game today.

What? Well, you got a warning from the commissioner.

Yeah? Yeah, and if our fans cause one more incident, we forfeit. I mean, we

could lose the championship.

Oh, honey, that was a one -time thing, and that nut provoked me. Mom, do you

know how embarrassed I was? I mean, somebody posted the whole thing on the

Internet. I mean, you made Ron Artest look like Gandhi.

Carrie, you are overreacting.

Do you actually think I'm going to go off again?

I see you already told him.

You knew? There was some chatter on the Internet.

I'll be in the car.

Well, Carrie, I have to go to the game. We're in the playoffs.

Come on.

for whatever it is, the game you play.

She's going, but I can't. Oh, now you told her.

Since when did you care about volleyball?

Volleyball, that's it.

Since I found out that Charlotte might be there with Grant.

I thought you broke up with Grant. Well, Charlotte's my friend. She can't date

my ex. How's Grant's heart going to explode from misery if he's already with

someone else?

Well, see, there you go. I have to go to the game to see if Grant is with

Charlotte Haskell.

Okay, Mom, I hate to do this to you, but you have to promise me that you will

not come.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Oh, I was hoping not to be here when you told her.

I'm fine.

I won't go to the game.

Okay, you have to promise.

I have to promise.

For God's sake, Carrie, I'm your mother.

Everything I've done since the day you were born is like a promise.

Can you? You know, the point is she shouldn't have to say it. Thank you,

Bridget. But you can't, can you?

I promise I won't go to the game.

But I want you to take this video camera and tape it. I don't want to miss a

thing.

Now, that's not going to be a problem, is it? If it means that I have to watch

the game, then yeah.

Look, Mom, I know you're disappointed.

and I'm sorry.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Hey, Aunt Kate.

I feel sorry for you. I really do.

Thanks, CJ.

You don't have to stay with me.

Oh, you thought...

No, I just needed to grab these.

Okay, then.

You better get

those eyes checked, old -timer.

You just worry about the game, young lady.

If, in fact, that's what you are.

You tell him, Heather!

I told him, Mom! God, I love that girl!

Hey, keep it down. She's trying to coach here. Show some respect.

Oh, she got a pink thong on today.

You're the scuzziest person I know. Well, that's a little harsh.

Hello? Oh, hey, Mom. Hi, Bridget. How's it going down there? Absolutely

fantastic. I have a perfect shot of Grant. Now, if Charlotte shows up, she

busted. No, honey, I meant the... game are we winning uh either that or losing

or is it something something with a bunch of minutes left bridget i don't

to miss any of this oh my god what happened charlotte's here she's talking

grant he's smiling i gotta go god you can't

possibly be hungry after eating all my fries it wasn't me try feeding your dog

once in a while

call me Grandpa unless you want a special beating I reserve for family.

You've been missing calls all day, Magoo.

You know what? Don't talk to him like that. Why don't you stand up and say

Hey!

Kill CJ.

I am going to kill him. What happened?

We had to forfeit the game because he started a brawl. Oh, my gosh. A brawl?

Really? He threw a hot dog at a player. Everybody started fighting. It was like

a riot, and it's all CJ's fault.

You can't prove I was involved in any such thing.

Oh, my God.

Don't feel sorry for him. He's a troublemaker. He ruined everything.

It was awesome.

Are you kidding me? I almost got killed. Look at me.

Doctor says I may lose use of my chin.

Mom, I thought you were the maniac in the family, but he's the crazy one. Oh,

my. It just sounds awful.

It was a humdinger, Kate.

Three years in Korea, I never saw that much action.

I was the perfect gentleman.

Gentlemen, I practically spoon -fed a blind man his lunch.

And then, out of nowhere, this Amazon... I think it was Daryl Hannah.

She popped out and...

Crawled up and dug her dirty digits into my neck and shook me like a rag doll.

For no reason.

You threw a hot dog at her. I did not.

You did have a hot dog?

You missed 15 calls and you see my hot dog?

And all of a sudden, the hot dog was gone.

Don't you have pimples to pop or something?

Oh, yeah.

Listen, I don't know where my hot dog went, but I didn't throw it. You know,

maybe the blind guy took it. They think they're entitled to everything.

Uh, Bridget, did you see anything?

saw was my ex -best friend Charlotte draped over Grant like she worked for

sort of escort service.

You didn't see that huge Sasquatch shaking the life out of me?

Whatever. I'm going upstairs to make Charlotte's life a living hell.

Call me for dinner.

You know, we are in the playoffs. Now we can lose the championship because of

you. I hope you're happy.

Why would I throw a hot dog?

Why would you get in a huddle? You're insane.

I'm not insane. I was trying to trick your coach into falling in love with me.

Gosh, a brawl.

At least I wasn't there. They can't pin this one on me.

Except you were there.

No, I wasn't. I was here knitting all night. Katie, I saw you.

You missed 15 calls, but you saw me?

Dad, I couldn't stay home. I could not go to that game.

Did you throw the hot dog?

What kind of person do you think I am? I don't know. You're lying a lot and

running around in a bad disguise.

No, I did not throw the hot dog.

But I saw who did, and it wasn't C .J.

Who was it? That crazy, wacko mother.

She was aiming for Carrie, and she missed and hit her own beast of a

Well, then you can get C .J. off the hook. Well, I can't tell Carrie I went

the game. I promised I'd stay home.

Oh, you're just going to let C .J. take the fall?

Well, I don't want to, but I've got to keep lying to Carrie or she'll never

trust me again.

Okay. Carrie's team had to forfeit the game and CJ's going to take the blame.

Oh, I wouldn't want to be him at that school tomorrow.

Oh, Dad, they're high school kids.

Trust me, by tomorrow they'll be all worked up about something else.

Good morning.

Well...

I did not throw that hot dog and cost the owl the game.

Girls' volleyball is very sacred to me.

I played.

I'd like to think in this classroom, my word is enough.

Who threw that?

I'm telling you, Kate, it was like Al Pacino in Scarface, only with hot dogs.

CJ, I feel terrible about this.

Why? You didn't do anything.

That's right, I didn't. Did someone say I did? Because I didn't.

Kate, I didn't throw the hot dog. I believe you.

A lot of good that does me. One person believes me. She wasn't even there.

I know. It's been firmly established I wasn't there.

I know a lot of things, but I'm not a liar.

I cheat a little bit.

I don't have a lot of patience with a disabled, but I don't lie.

I know you don't. You know, it's so frustrating because there's no way to

my innocence.

Wait a second. You could say you were there.

Oh, but that would be lying.

But that would be you lying. I think I'm okay with that.

Yeah, I'm okay with that.

Actually, I have an idea.

You know, practically everybody at that game had a video camera. How do you

know? You weren't there.

I mean, must have had a video camera.

Do you want to hear my idea? Yeah.

Why don't we round up the video? There's got to be someone with the tape that

proves you didn't do it. Yeah, yeah, and if there's not, we can stage one.

That's not lying. That's theater.

No way.

I'm not okay with theater.

Attention, students.

Hello, students. It's Mr. Barnes.

Stop that. I will not be booed. I'm an educator and a veteran.

You will not boo me.

Bite me.

Bonzo. I'm sorry. It's pretty brutal, isn't it? Anything I can do?

I was just going to ask if someone had a videotape of the game, you know, to

prove my innocence, but I don't think anyone's about to help me.

Step aside.

Talk for lunch?

Attention, students. This is Bridget Hennessey, student body president.

Okay. I want anybody with videotape of yesterday's basketball game volleyball

game to please drop them outside of Principal Gibbs' office as soon as

Oh, and Charlotte Haskell, your anti -fungal cream just came in.

That should get you those tapes.

Well, thanks, but I'm pretty hated around here. I doubt anybody will bring

Siege, they heard it from me.

I've asked you all here today. We live here.

Just focus, all right? The league commissioner doesn't have all day.

Actually, I do. It's not a very demanding job.

After an exhaustive search, I think I found a tape that proves I'm innocent

Carrie's team does not have to forfeit.

All I see so far is you with your pending hot dog in your throwing hand.

minute. What you see may surprise you.

Did you just steal a chocolate raisin from the blind guy?

Keep watching.

See that? Look at that blind guy's dog ate my hot dog.

You didn't throw it. You didn't throw the fly.

Does that mean we're still in the playoffs?

Well, this certainly changes things. That's right. I'm innocent, and you guys

don't have to forward the game.

Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thank you, Aunt Kate. You're

the only one that believed in me.

Well, she has a thick fist about those things.

That's right.

Without your emotional support, I never would have made it through this very

difficult time.

You're all that's good in people.

Oh, my God.

What? Mom, that's you on the tape.

You were at the game. And you're holding a hot dog.

Liar!

You promised me you wouldn't go to the game. You lied to me.

Oh, Carrie, wait. Look, I'm sorry. I just could not go to the game. Okay?

Mystery solved.

Miss Tennessee, you don't have the authority to say mystery solved. Mystery

solved.

What do you mean?

You still have to find out who threw the hot dog. I'm sorry. Could I do my job?

I still have to find out who threw the hot dog.

Well, it was that crazy, wacko mother.

Wait a second. You knew who threw it the whole time, and you let me twist in the

wind? Well, I couldn't say anything because of Carrie.

You chose your own daughter over your nephew?

You think you know someone?

CJ! No!

Carrie, I'm sorry. Your team still forfeits the game. What?

It's obvious that your mother threw the hot dog. I am telling you, I didn't do

it. Look, I've already escorted you from one game for throwing food and making

threats. Now you want to accuse someone else, the knife lady, who follows the

rules that we have?

I'm sorry, but I've made my decision.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

I am telling you, Carrie, I did not do it!

Come on, wait up.

Hey, listen.

I feel like a prairie dog chasing a giraffe.

We all know in this school that it was my aunt that threw the hot dog.

So I'm innocent.

You still don't want to feature this?

Listen, I'm going to say this as nice as I can.

My brother's a cop.

Oh, come on. Let's hook it up. I'll do all the work.

CJ. I'm not speaking to you.

That was an exception.

So was that. So was that. So was that. I get it.

Look, CJ, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything.

You know, sorry doesn't cut it.

So is that.

Look, if you're here to punish me some more, just go ahead.

I deserve it.

Okay, well, let's see.

Your daughter thinks you're a liar.

I think you're a backstabber. The whole school hates you.

I think that's punishment enough.

Thanks.

Apparently that's not my decision.

watching those tapes?

I just want to prove that I didn't throw that hot dog.

Well, have you seen the one that Bridget shot?

Oh, yeah.

48 minutes of Charlotte's tongue in Grant's ear.

What if I just say that I believe you?

Do you? No.

But I want this to stop. I want my slightly less crazy mother back.

Carrie, I'm so sorry I broke my promise.

I just could not.

Stay away from that game.

It's like a drug for me. Well, can't you just say no?

Here's the thing.

I can't shout for your art projects or your writing or your math.

And I just love to yell, great dig, Carrie.

It sure beats nice existential sonnet.

And, you know, volleyball just gave me an outlet to get it all out. And it felt

great.

Up until the time I was ejected.

Hey, Mom, this is our last shot at the championship.

Just stop all this craziness and come to my game.

Oh, Carrie.

I'd love to.

They serve a great hot dog.

So why aren't you sitting next to your girlfriend?

No, we're in a bit of a cooling off period right now.

Court ordered? Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm saving the seat.

For who?

Grant. We are back together.

Really? Yeah. Charlotte gave him some sort of fungal infection in his ear, so

we're going to give it another shot.

Very romantic.

Come on, Carrie.

Show them what you're made of.

Yeah. Straw and red yarn.

Hey,

loud mouth. We all know you're the one that do the hot dog.

Yeah, that's right. Next time, I won't miss.

Whoa, nobody threatens my family. Uh, trust me, CJ, don't go down this road.