Original subtitles

I want the truth.

I want the name of the bully that did this to you.

I told you, I ran into a locker.

Rory, I'm your mom.

You don't have to keep secrets from me. Now, who did this?

Right, fine.

It was Locker 212.

Rory? Kate?

So?

How's our bleeder?

Oh, yes.

But he still won't tell me who did it.

Well, Kate, I went to principal training camp.

Watch, listen, learn.

Roy, who did this to you?

I went into a locker.

Okay.

Kate, let me see outside for a second.

I don't think it was a locker.

So it's Inspector Gibb.

Hey, I didn't want to push him. He's a freshman. He's embarrassed. The other

probably threatened him. All right, I'm sorry.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing control of my kids.

How do you keep track of 500 of them?

Well, the underachievers I write off immediately.

That really only leaves about four or five.

Did you see the way Prince will give us? Smiling at Mom?

I know. He still so wants to date her. I can never date anyone who wore that

much corduroy.

Anyway, about tonight, I want to get to the club by 7, so just tell Mom we're

going to the library and changing the car.

No, I don't think this is going to work if this place is 21 and over.

Oh, no, no, you'll be fine. It's 21 years, not 21 inches.

We're not 21 years old.

Okay, I'll get fake IDs.

Come on.

You're not losing control. You're a single mother with three teenagers, one

whom you should be very proud of.

I'm kidding. I will find out who did this to Rory, and I'll call you, okay?

Thanks, Ed.

Lieutenanty? Coach McAllister.

Principal Good?

Well, we all have names and titles, aren't we important?

Okay, look, I've been going over this, and I don't mean to be pushy, but I

don't understand why we can't date.

All right, I'm going to level with you.

Besides the fact that we're co -workers, and that I'm just not ready.

to date anyone yet.

This is supposed to be a secret, but Bridget has a huge crush on you.

That's supposed to be a secret.

She knitted me this racket cover.

That was my favorite sweater.

Anyway, you can see why this just doesn't work for me.

Okay, how about a friendly offering? Now, I know you have a sweet tooth, and

make an incredible cheesecake.

All right, how about maybe, Mom?

Feels like I have three nostrils.

All right, honey, I'll be there.

It's not the right time. Totally understand.

Got graham cracker crust.

Principal?

Folks?

Oh, that is quite a dent.

I think he was wearing brass knuckles.

Or a ring, judging from the dainty heart -shaped imprint.

So? So, lots of people wear heart -shaped rings.

Brides, men who throw Academy Award parties, ninth grade girls.

You think I was hit by a girl? Well, I didn't see you at Elton John's bash this

year. I'd go with you.

Fine, it was a girl.

Excellent.

Yeah, let's go.

Please don't tell Mom. I don't want anybody to know. It'll be our little

between me, you, and old Mary Whoopass.

I don't want to go to dinner with Dorothy. We always end up in one of

health food joints. Oh, come on. She's 85.

Something's working.

It's probably that mug of bourbon she knocks back every day watching Regis and

what's -her -name.

Oh, girl, while we're out, I need you to go pick up Rory's prescription.

Oh, well, we told you we're going to go to the library.

Bridget, you're going to the library?

Yeah, they've got Cosmo Girl on microfiche.

You know, if you want someone to pick up drugs, I'm your man.

Not because I do them, because I'm responsible.

So what, Park, do you want me to meet this dude at?

It's the pharmacy, and it closes in an hour.

You know, maybe I should just skip Aunt Dorothy's and stay and take care of

Rory. Tell you one thing, I'm not going to choke down some damn veggie

casserole.

I'm going to eat meat tonight if I have to gnaw on her arthritic knee.

Maybe I'll go to Dorothy's.

Okay, here.

This is the fake ID you got me? Shh.

This woman is 31.

I can't pass for that old.

Yes, you can. Just stand in bad light and frown the way you do.

Yes, I can.

And this is me.

You stole CJ's driver's license?

We are so busted. Oh, Carrie, please. Everyone looks bad on a driver's

And really, how long do you think they're going to be staring at the ID

the one holding the ID?

So, for tonight, you are Hadassah, and I am CJ.

Hi, CJ.

I'm Sean.

Hi,

Sean.

Ooh, me likey.

So, you said you model. Are you one of those supermodels? Oh, that term is so

pretentious. You know, I want people to feel they can approach me anywhere,

anytime. Not now, Hadassah.

Look, I don't normally ask a girl that I just met for a phone number. And I

don't know if you'd be willing to.

I have been going on and on about myself. Why don't you tell me something

you? Well, I'm a cop.

Ladies, IDs, please.

CJ, he's talking to you.

Excuse me, ladies. Could I please see your IDs?

I don't think I like his tone. Come on, Hadassah.

CJ? Hey.

What happened with my medicine?

Uh, I gave it to you.

Yeah, you're having a night terror. Hey!

The pharmacist called. He called here?

He said you never showed up. That dude's a liar. Of course I went.

Give me my medicine. My nose is killing me.

All right, well... Here you go. Got it right here.

Here you go. Top -of -the -line stuff. Very powerful painkillers.

They look like candy. Yeah, they make them like that on purpose so they're

appealing to children.

It's got an M on it. Yes, for medicine.

Listen, take them with water. You don't want them to melt in your mouth.

Richard. Yes?

I'm telling you, that cop knows we have fake IDs and now he has a real phone

number. Brilliant. I didn't know he was a cop, okay? I just thought he was cute.

Is that a crime? Well, at least we didn't run away and look guilty.

Oh, that's right. We did.

No, just relax. Maybe he won't even call.

It's me. Of course he's going to call. We're dead.

Not if we make sure that when the phone rings, we get to it before Mom does.

Yes.

Hi. I thought you guys went to the library.

Oh, yeah, well, I read fast, and all the picture books were checked out.

And they actually were.

So, um, did anybody call for me?

No.

Okay, well, I will be near the phone, so none of you have to bother. Me too.

that towards me. It's terrible.

They had no dessert.

It's always, I've got apples back home. I'm a grown man. What the hell do I want

with an apple?

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, honey.

Well, it looks like somebody's waiting for a boy to call.

And there's no boy. And he's really cute.

There's no boy, and we're not waiting for the phone.

Right.

So how are you feeling?

A little better.

CJ brought me my medicine.

Thank you for taking such good care of him. Oh, I'm crazy about the little

You stay off that nose, champ.

I'm so glad you're better.

I'll be sure to tell Mike when he calls.

Mike the pharmacist?

He's going to call here again?

He called?

No, why would he call? He didn't call.

Well, he always calls to check up when someone's sick.

He's the sweetest.

What is this, Mayberry?

Oh, also, Coach McAllister called.

Scott? Yeah, and he said that... Uh, just a second, honey.

Um, girls, Rory's feeling uncomfortable.

Could you just go downstairs and look for that special neck pillow I put

someplace? He has a pillow! They don't want to leave that phone.

They're waiting on a gentleman caller.

If the phone rings, I'll get it. I'll get it. I mean, I'll get it. You do so

much for me around here. You relax.

Girls, the pillow.

So what did Scott say?

He said, who's this?

And I said, it's Rory. And he said, so how's the nose?

And I said... Today, Rory.

You weren't home, so he said he'd call back.

Tonight? He's gonna call here again?

Oh, God, I'm getting a headache.

CJ, give Mom one of those pain pills.

You can't just share a prescription, you know. This stuff isn't candy.

Please. Would you like a cup of coffee? Oh, Dad, I'd love some.

Well, good. As long as you're making a pot, I'll have some cake.

You know what would be great with that coffee is some cake.

I am not making you a cake.

What's the matter with you? Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

There's this guy at school, and he keeps asking me out. I've made it clear that

I'm not interested, but he's being very persistent.

Have you tried kicking him into grapes?

there quite yet.

But I don't want him to call the house because Bridget has a crush on him. And

she will freak out if she finds out he's trying to date me. Well, shut him down

in two minutes. Who is it?

I'm not telling you. I know how you get.

I can handle this by myself.

I just have to make sure that when he calls, I get to the phone before

I'm telling you, pointy shoes and a running start.

Hey, this is Mike, the pharmacist. What time does he usually turn in?

Hey, Rory, here's your stupid pillow.

Look at that. Watch that phone like you think it's going to hatch.

Come on, what's his name? There's no guy. And we're not waiting on a call.

I got it.

Hello?

Who? Mike, the pharmacist.

Look, no one came by to pick up Rory's painkillers. Maybe that's because we

don't want any. What?

Who's that?

This guy selling long distance, you know.

I don't think we should answer the phone anymore.

What we need is caller ID. No, no, it's expensive.

Mom, my nose is really hurting. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I'm going to be

now, I promise.

Hello?

Oh.

Tonight? Come on, I made the cheesecake. It would be a crime if you didn't at

least have a bite.

A crime?

Oh, my God, that is the cop.

Richard, I can't go to prison. I have the PSATs next week.

It's not the cop.

It's some guy she likes. I can tell by her fake laugh.

You are so right. I know exactly who it is. It's Principal Gibb.

Gibb?

CJ, if Gib's calling, he probably knows who punched me. Yeah, maybe he found

your dignity in the bottom of her Hello Kitty purse.

Yeah, well, okay, but just promise me you won't call again tonight.

Okay. Bye.

Who is that?

Somebody's selling long distance.

Oh.

Mother, that is so lame.

They do call.

Oh, come on. Mom, we know you were talking to Principal Gib.

Oh.

Guilty as charged.

That's right. It was Principal Gibb. I knew it was Gibb. You should have just

told me. Dad, just stay out of it.

Gibb. Did he say anything about me?

No, honey, but he's going to find out who hit you.

Is he going to call back tonight?

Yeah, probably.

You know how he feels about bullies.

I mean lockers.

Look, everybody, I'm really beat. I'm just going to go upstairs.

You know what? That's a really good idea. You get some sleep, and if the

rings, one of us will get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Someone will get it. I'll get it.

Nobody touch that phone. I just had a great idea. I'm going to call that 24

-hour place and see if they'll deliver some pie.

Hello? Damn it, that's my pie phone.

Hi there, it's Ed Gibb. Is your mother there?

God, it's Principal Gibb. Again?

I think I will not give up.

Don't bother your mom.

I'll take it.

Listen, Gibb, Kate's not interested.

Now, you call again, I'm going to come through this phone and break your

fingers. You got that, college boy?

What did he want?

Don't worry about it. Your principal's going to think twice before he calls

house again.

Hello?

Principal Gipps? The nerve of that guy.

There seems to be some misunderstanding. Could I please speak to your mom?

Oh, hold on a second.

Hey, this is Sean.

DJ?

Uh -huh?

Are you busy on Friday?

Are you asking me out?

You know, I'm very flattered, but you're way too old for me. My mother would

just go nuts.

Let me talk to Principal Gibb. I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Sorry, Principal Gibb. Hold on.

I told you not to call my daughter. Now you call my granddaughter. What kind of

sicko are you?

Stay away from my family, you freak show.

It doesn't concern you. Just leave it alone.

Sweet.

Okay, so did you get rid of the cop? Yeah, we're safe.

Now I kind of miss him.

CJ, I think my medicine's wearing off. My nose has a pulse.

Uh, here, try these blue ones.

Hello. Hi, I'm Mike from the pharmacy.

These are for Rory.

I tried to call earlier. Yeah, thanks, man.

Oh, somebody just selling long distance.

And the doorbell. Yeah, long distance guy, too. Freaky.

Hello? Good evening. I'm calling from phone 4 ,000 with our new national

-to -minute... Well, who was that? Somebody selling long distance.

Seriously.

So, Rory, how are you feeling?

Oh, not too good.

Honey. Why is your tongue blue?

What have you been giving him?

These.

From the pharmacy, when I went to the pharmacy earlier.

I like that pharmacist, but we should never talk to him again.

Well, that's strange. These should work.

What is going on around here?

Ed? Yep?

Ed?

Dad, you should have called first.

Well, I did. I made two insane phone calls, and I thought I should stop by to

clear up any misunderstanding.

I told you to stay away from my girls.

Actually, I'm here about Rory.

Rory?

Oh, my God!

You hit me!

That was excellent!

Dad, are you crazy?

Come here! Oh, this nut's been harassing us all night. He has? Two calls! I made

two calls!

people.

Hello?

Scott? Tell us.

Ed? Scott.

What happened to you?

I, uh, I walked into a locker.

What are you doing here? I know I promised I wouldn't call, but I didn't

wouldn't show up. Scott. Look, if I leave this cake at my house, I'll wind

eating the whole thing. So here. Well, thank you. I mean, it's very nice, but

this is really... Kay, the young man brought Kay.

Least we can do is invite him in. I'll take this.

Uh, but Dad, the guy I was telling you about... Hold on. Now, this is the guy

that Bridget has the crush on? No, no, no, no, I don't.

Why did I hit Gib?

Yeah, Gib didn't do anything.

You don't have a crush on Scott?

No, I did, but now I don't. I met this really cute guy at a club tonight and...

Bridget!

You said you went to the library. You lied?

Oh... Like you'd ever let us go to a club where we need fake IDs. I don't

believe you two.

Uh, Kate?

What? Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you have any pain pills?

Actually, yes, I do.

That have never been opened.

CJ?

What have you been giving Rory?

Other medicine I have.

How many did you take?

About 23.

What?

It's okay. It's just candy. It's nothing.

This is great. My son is lying to me, my daughters are sneaking off to a club,

and my dad decked my boss.

What do you think about this, Ed? Would you call this losing control?

Whatever you say.

And you, CJ, I gave you one job. To go to the pharmacy. I did, but it was

closed.

Because I stopped at a bar for a few minutes.

You went to a bar?

Instead of taking care of Rory, this must have been some very special bar.

Please don't ask me what kind of bar it is, because it's a little embarrassing

in front of everyone.

It's got the door.

Hey, I'm looking for a gorgeous blonde named CJ.

Having an apple, you know what they say.

Oh, yeah.

Nothing washes down cheesecake like an apple.

I can't sleep.

Dad, is it my imagination, or are my kids way more out of control than I was?

Darling, you were out of control from the day you were 13 till the day you

the house.

So I shouldn't be worried?

Oh, you should be worried.

You've got three of them.

Well, four if you count CJ.

Well, five if I count you.

Oh, so I hit your boss.

For no reason.

All right, maybe my intelligence was a little shaky, but people have gone to

with a lot less reliable information.

Oh, Dad.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed.

Ah, sweetheart.

There's going to be days like that. Just remember, those are good kids. You're a

great mom.

Now you go back upstairs, go to bed, get a good night's sleep, so you can do it

all again tomorrow.

Thanks, Dad.

Good night, sweetheart.

Go on, go to bed.

Go on.

There's no cake left, is there?

Not a bite.