Original subtitles

All right.

Murray, were you guys just playing video games all day?

No. We stopped to pee.

I schooled you.

One more game.

What do you say?

I'm such a girl. There you go.

Mom, Jenna invited me to sleep tonight. I'm going to, okay? Thanks. Love you.

Bye. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Missy.

Are Jenna's parents going to be home, and who else is going to be there?

Take it easy, Sipwitz. It's just a sleepover.

Yeah, Mom, it's just a sleepover.

BJ, you don't have kids.

Oh, not that I know of.

Oh,

good, Mom, you're home.

I need you to take me driving. Oh, honey, I just walked in the door.

But I need more practice before my test. I need you to take me now.

Okay, okay, I'll take you driving later.

Something funny, Dad?

I don't know.

The thought of you teaching somebody to drive just tickles me.

Hey, I'm a good driver.

Tell that to the Doyle's mailbox.

Now, now, now, be fair. That mailbox swerved in front of her.

You know, Mom, most of my friends have never even seen an airbag.

You know, Rory, it snows a lot in Michigan.

Besides, there are a lot of indecisive squirrels on the road.

Not as many as there used to be.

since you're God's gift to the automobile, you take Carrie out.

Fine by me. She can still be saved.

This I gotta see.

All right.

I'll get a free ride back to campus. Big party at my pad tonight.

What, are you celebrating being the oldest man on campus? You know it,

Let me tell you something. With age comes an appreciation of education.

A maturity, if you will. Shotgun. No!

Well, Carrie, I hope you were watching closely.

That is how you drive a car.

We're home.

Hi, it's home.

No offense, Grandpa, but can you see?

You almost hit a dog.

The dog wasn't on a leash.

He was on the sidewalk.

And, Grandpa, you're really not supposed to be flipping people off.

Oh, I was just signaling some thug on a motorcycle to stop tailgating me.

Grandpa, it's a thug.

License, please.

Is there a problem, officer?

Oh, where do I begin?

Speeding. Rolling through stop signs.

Flipping me off.

Now, your license?

Here you are, sir.

And remove the dollar bill wrapped around it. What dollar bill?

This is an expired Florida license.

If you want to drive in Michigan, you have to take our driver's test.

What's so funny?

Oh, just the thought of you taking a driver's test. It tickles me.

Officer, do you know how many squirrels she's killed?

Babies, cuties, how are you? My party, my pad will be here all night.

Big Steve, what's up? Funnels later?

For sure.

You're so cool, dude.

Hey, hey, what's the lady low down, roomie? Hey, yeah, so you see Haley over

there? Fresh off a breakup.

I go after myself, but I just spotted this talent outside.

Ooh, nice. Thanks for the tip, Martha.

Wounded beauty seeks shoulder to cry on. I liked it.

All right, cover me. I'm going to run the back of this and push it.

Whoa, there she is. I gotta get to work. Dude, dude, that's my cousin.

Hey, I saw her first.

What are you doing here?

Why are you wearing that hat?

Because it's cool.

No, it's not. Five people said it was.

Where are they? They left. What are you doing here?

Well, you remember how you were putting those flyers off our computer while I

kind of saw it and I kind of showed it to my friends and we all decided to kind

of surprise you. So surprise!

Surprise, please.

Oh, my God, you're sad. You're so Ashton Kutcher.

Jailbait, I'm talking to you guys. Look, I'm taking you back to Jenna's right

now. Haley, meet CJ.

Your head, my shoulder. Tell me a secret.

And you, stay away from my roommate Eric. He's after

one thing, he's a pig.

CJ! Just a second.

I have to go before she gets her self -esteem back.

How can I help?

So, guess this. These two girls in the bathroom, they told me that my ex was

hooking up with them the same time he was dating me.

Wait, you're telling me there's two other hurt girls here?

Now? In my bathroom?

What, did I rub a magic lamp or something?

Holy cow.

You know what I feel like doing?

I feel like getting even.

Like hooking up with the first jerk I meet.

Technically, that's me.

Hold on one second. Please don't cheer up.

Is that beer in those cups, children?

CJ, for the last time, we are not drinking beer. I'll hand over them cups

case you plan on spiking them later.

Spiking them? What's that?

Nice try, boozy Susie. Cups.

Sodipop.

Diet Sodipop.

Marianne Raspberry.

No! Hot coffee.

Haley is very important to me right now, okay?

Stay here, behave, and stay away from sleazy Eric.

Hey, dude. Yo.

Where were we? Okay, you were going to get even with your boyfriend, and he's

out of state, I hope.

You know what?

I'm going to have one wild night, just like he did.

How wild?

I mean, should I stretch?

Pussycats are out of here.

Sorry, Mom, I didn't help you, but I've got to keep studying manuals. Dad, why

aren't you studying?

Because I've been driving for over 50 years.

Have you?

I don't think so.

You still need to study. A lot's changed since you first got your license.

Like what? You can't shoot buffaloes from your car anymore.

have engines now. They're not foot -powered like the Flintstones.

Oh, family full of comedians. I feel like I'm sitting here with red buttons

Jack Oakey.

Topical.

Okay, Grandpa, let's test you out.

True or false? Honk your horn to show other drivers when they make mistakes.

True. False.

Honking may upset them so much they make more mistakes.

Well, that's ridiculous.

How the hell are they ever going to learn?

Dad, you are so taking the bus. All right.

I am out of here. Go read my paper in peace. No, wait, okay. What do you do

there's a funeral procession?

That depends. How well did I know the deceased?

Grandpa, you don't know them at all.

Then to hell with them.

Hey, Mom. Hi, Bridge.

How was Jenna's last night? Did you girls have fun?

Yeah, yeah, it was fine. We just went to go see a boring movie.

Oh, what movie did you see?

You know, it was so boring, I don't remember.

You know, you only don't remember movies when you're with a guy.

So, uh, who was in it?

Um, yeah, um, it was in the monkeys.

There are no monkey movies currently playing? I think I would know.

Thanks, Rory. She fooled me.

Rory, would you take this down to the basement, please?

All right, Bridget, you and I have got to talk about this.

A little weird, but whatever.

What are you doing to my sock, you little perv?

Nothing. I just find it interesting and, well, odd that it smells exactly like

beer.

What?

Give me that.

Oh, my God, Bridget, it does smell like beer. What is going on?

This new beer perfume, the guys love it.

Nice try.

I was your age once. I invented beer perfume in monkey movies.

You mean we're rich?

I want the truth now.

Might have something to do with this wire printed off our computer.

DJ's beer bash.

Beer on Bridget's sock.

Beer bash.

Sock.

If only we knew what this DJ fellow was.

Laundry. No, Rory Happy.

So this is where you were last night?

CJ's college party?

Where they were serving beer?

You were there? Oh my gosh, you should have said something.

Bridget. Yes, I went whatever.

I didn't drink.

Yes, but you lied straight to my face. You are grounded, young lady.

Take away our...

Discussion. Now go to your room.

And you cannot have that cell phone either.

Sweet!

Well, I'm going to skadoodle. What am I supposed to think about this, PJ?

Huh?

You heard her lie straight to my face about going to Jenna's. You knew that

was not supposed to be at that party. Look, she just showed up and then she

wouldn't leave. There was a smoking hot girl after me and I blew her off, so

keep an eye on that one. You call that responsible?

In my defense, you didn't see how hot she was.

That's it, CJ.

I've had it. You know, every time my children are with you, they get into

trouble. And I just can't let it slide anymore.

You... You're banished.

What? What are we, going back to middle ages?

You're serious?

Uh -huh. I just think we will all be better off if you don't come around this

house for a while.

Well, how long's a while?

A day?

Two?

Longer? Fine.

You know what? I don't need this dummy house.

I won't bother you anymore.

I don't need to be hanging out with a bunch of teenagers.

And I certainly have a bunch of more mature friends at school.

So nice. Can you believe it, Mom? I'm actually getting my license today. No

embarrassing rides in the minivan with you.

I'll miss them too, honey.

Dad, how about you? You happy to get your license back?

Yep, no more embarrassing rides in the minivan with you.

Oh, no, no, no. That's CJ.

Let the machine pick up.

Hey, it's CJ again.

Anybody there?

Aunt Kate?

Bridgie?

Carrie? Rory?

Grampy, if you're there, limp over and pick up.

I hope you guys aren't screening my calls, standing around staring at the

Please let him come back. I miss having a worthy video game opponent.

Grandpa's reflexes are shot.

No.

Oh, come on, Mom. It was kind of like having a family pet in a giant human

No. Not after he was such a bad influence on Bridget.

Yeah, like that was the first college party I've ever been to.

Explain, please.

Okay, we went to the party uninvited, and CJ tried to get us to leave.

But you cannot reground me because you should have already figured that out.

Well, C .J. had to have something to do with this. He just had to.

His name keeps coming up.

Dad, back me up. Did I overreact?

Well, I do miss having someone to swing my cane at.

Oh,

not again.

Oh, Aunt Kate, I forgot one thing.

Okay, you may begin.

Please bring your test to me when you're finished.

Good luck.

I'll be fine.

Just let me take a peek.

Just give me the answer to number one.

And two.

Come to think of it. Three is a mind bender.

Grandma, I'm not... No talking during the test, please.

That's just what I was telling her.

I told you a million times to study. Hey, I thought I said no talking.

Dude, what are you doing home? You said you were out doing laundry. Yeah, all

the machines are full. It sucks. I'm just going to go commando for a while.

What's with the deer and the headlights?

Oh, you got a cheek here, dude?

I missed you.

Lie one.

You came by to see him, and dude, I told you to stay away.

Yeah, well, you also said you were doing laundry, so who's the liar now?

CJ, don't tell my mom. Please, she'll kill me. Of course I'm not. We gotta get

you out of here right now.

CJ, it's Aunt Kate.

Bathroom. But it's gross. Hide.

You too, come.

Hey, Aunt Kate. Oh, did you do something to your hair? It looks great. Um, look,

CJ, I just wanted to, uh...

a little hard on you and it just got me to thinking.

You know what? Apology accepted. I'll walk you out. No.

I wasn't necessarily going to apologize.

You see, I'm a single mom now. And you should be out there circulating. I'll

walk you out.

And because I'm a single mom, I need all the help I can get.

I need you to be on my side and tell me when my kids are lying to me.

You mean rat them out?

Come on. I'm like their cool older cousin.

Uh, no you're not.

CJ, I just can't have you helping Bridget to sneak around.

I'm kind of cool. I mean, I'm not like Big Steve, but when I got the hat

crooked, it actually worked.

Look, Bridget is 17 going on 25, and she is bound to get into some trouble.

You could be responsible.

Okay, so let's say she was here in the bathroom with a guy or something. That's

something you'd want to know?

Oh, yeah. That is exactly the kind of thing you should tell me.

It's your lucky day.

What?

Bridget, get out of here this second.

Bridget! Mom, you should have banished CJ. He's a terrible influence.

When I got home, she was already here.

You are so uncool. I'm kind of cool.

Hey, uh, we were just cleaning.

Bridget, what is a 17 -year -old girl doing in a college boy's room?

17? Where's my frame?

me seeing friends eric is a very nice guy and very smart tell her about the

toilets in australia oh yeah well when you flush the water swirls the other way

for that if i

may this will go over big so eric you guys are buddies that's awesome can you

tell us three things bridget's interested in besides yourself

You mean you can't name one thing after all our phone conversations?

How can I believe anything that comes out of your mouth, you jerk? And you

probably lied about the magic toilets in Australia.

Bridget, go home.

We'll talk about this later.

Problem solved.

Thanks, EJ.

Thanks, EJ. I thought you were cool.

I'm kind of cool, damn it.

Whatever, I let you crash here. Now pack up your crap and get out.

Fine, I'm moving back in with Aunt Kate. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to get my stuff and get out of here. Oh, no.

I'll send for it. Let's go.

I promise this will be temporary, Aunt Kate. I'll get on the apartment waiting.

Well, how long is temporary?

A day?

Two?

Longer?

You're back.

It's go time.

I'm going to smoke. You do.

Wait.

Did you clean your room?

Upstairs.

Clean behind your ears and say some prayers.

You don't have to be sickening about it.

Hey, Mom.

Don't ground me, please.

I'm not.

Oh, wow, it worked.

Mom, give me $20, please.

Tomorrow afternoon, you're going to help me garden and clean the rain gutters.

Mom, what about my nails?

Yeah, you might want to cut those back.

This is all your fault.

Hey, I just realized what CJ stands for. Benedict Arnold.

That would really hurt if it made sense at all.

Bridget, you must believe me. I know it's hard, but I did what I did because

actually care about you.

CJ.

Bridget, nails.

Nails, Bridget. Get upstairs. You're nailed.

Cut him down.

See, I'm more adult already.

You see, C .J., this is what I mean about needing all the help I can get.

This is just really, really hard.

My daughter just ended up at some college with a guy, and I was clueless.

What kind of parent is that?

Well, if it mattered, I had two parents growing up, and you could run circles

around both of them on your worst day.

You're a great mom.

You really think so?

Bet you're only going to get out of me once.

I'm going to go get settled.

Well, congratulations,

new driver.

I failed.

I passed.

Wait a minute. You failed and you passed?

I failed because of him. The teacher busted me for talking when I was telling

Grandpa to stop cheating off me.

Well, you just have to try harder this time.

Oh, and I suppose you passed because you're a world -class driver.

Well, I guess this proves it. You want to see what one looks like?

Well,

look at that grin on your face, you child.

Well, try to wipe it off.

DJ's moving back in the basement with you.

You're bluffing.

That crampy I hear.