Original subtitles

Hey, man, what's going on?

Getting ripped.

Might want to start with three sets of a billion.

I'm tired of being skinny.

Chicks hate skinny guys.

Hey, I'm skinny.

I know.

Dude, chicks love this.

Yeah, well, ladies my age aren't allowed to drink.

Right now, I'm the alpha dog of middle school.

Ah. But next year, it's the show. Okay.

High school.

I want to be popular. Something in sports.

I hear you. I remember my high school days. Football, basketball, baseball.

You? Yeah, I went to all the games.

But where I became a legend, and I mean legend, is being funny, pulling pranks.

Dude, one time, I stole a school mascot.

What kind of animal was it?

It was an alligator.

No, it wasn't. It was a bobcat.

No, it wasn't. It was a duck.

It's amazing you weren't nibbled to death.

Well, it did cost me a fingertip and 25 cents in cracked corn.

But you know what I became known as?

The guy who stole the duck? You heard me!

You know, it's freezing out in my van.

The heater only works if people stop unplugging it.

Was it you?

Grandpa?

Grandpappy?

Gee diddy?

Hey, C .J., could you come a little closer? This is my bad ear.

I said I can't believe... Dad,

what did we say about hitting C .J. with your cake? Not to do it.

Because of him, I'm using the damn cane, tripping over his damn extension cord,

bruising my hip. Now I can't stand up, I can't walk, I can't... Okay, now, Dad,

let's be positive. There must be something you can do.

I can plot my revenge.

I said I was sorry, okay?

But what are you going to do about it anyway?

Now, PJ, what did we say about taunting Grandpa?

not to do it.

What in God's name? Oh, that's Luke's motorcycle.

He's just dropping Bridget off.

She better be wearing a helmet.

Bridget, how many times have I told you not to ride on the back of a motorcycle

without a helmet? I didn't. Why don't you ever believe me?

There's a bug in your teeth and a cricket in your hair.

I'm sorry, I just didn't want to get helmet hair.

Helmet -free hair isn't exactly working for you either.

Honey, it's illegal.

And stupid. And dangerous.

And without leather pants?

I mean, come on, Paris.

I know guys dig the biker chick look, but you're so one of me without the

leathers.

And the helmet thing is wrong.

Bridget, go to your room.

That's it? That's what you're going to do?

That girl needs to be punished.

Dad, I have to pick my battle. If I grounded her for everything, she'd never

leave the house.

What are you grounded for, Grandpa?

That's really funny.

DJ, you want to see a cane disappear?

Okay, I'm off.

All right, Carrie.

Friday night, out rocking the suburbs.

I'm going to the library.

Right, library.

I'm cool. So where's the rave? Draw me maps.

I'm going to the library.

Okay, cool. You know what? I respect that.

Wow, there's a loser.

Straight from Loserville.

Now look, CJ, Carrie is not a loser. She's my responsible child.

She's just a very conscientious student who takes her schoolwork seriously.

news, a narcotic -sniffing police drug dog in the Columbia School District is

missing. Legend.

My man.

The Golden Retriever, who answers to the name Buzzkill, is a prized canine which

costs the police department roughly $30 ,000 to train.

$30 ,000?

Grand theft. You're on your own.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Bridge.

Uh, Bridget, are those new pants?

Yes, aren't they cute?

Yeah.

How'd you pay for them?

Um, with your credit card.

Don't you remember?

You said Lulu's is having a sale on towels. Please go get some for the guest

bathroom. Use your own judgment. So on the way to the towels, I saw these

leather pants that were on sale, and I remember CJ saying, you're so wannabe

about the leathers, and my judgment said, you don't wanna be a wannabe, and

I thought, judgment, you are so right.

That made no sense, but at least you had the presence of mind to drag me into

it.

All right, Bridget, come here. Sit down.

We have to have a little talk.

Um, first you want to talk about why Buzzkill is in our house? Because he's

honey, and he has nowhere to go.

No, no. He's a stolen drug dog from school.

What is a stolen drug dog doing in my house?

Mom, I'm really sad because the society objectifies women.

Oh, no worry.

What was going through your head? Stealing a drug dog?

I guess I was just trying to pull a prank.

I wanted to become a legend.

Well, whoever gave you the idea that... It's not another step.

It's a prank.

Yeah, but you want to see a really good prank?

Kate, where's my cane? No.

You two planned this, didn't you? You got together and you thought, you know,

Mom's life just isn't hectic enough. Why don't we work together to drive her up

a wall?

That's what you did.

We haven't done that in years.

Mom, I'm going to the Doyles to tutor Mary Beth on her algebra.

Sit down, cool?

All right, Carrie.

Now look, you guys, why can't you be more like your sister?

What? Get away!

What do you mean, get away?

Carrie, what's going on?

Who did that?

Carrie, give that to me.

Is this pot?

Bet you're happy he jacked the pooch now.

Answer me, young lady.

Is this yours?

I think I speak for everyone when I say we are so disappointed right now.

Rory, go return the dog.

I'll do it tonight. I can't be seen in broad daylight with the evidence.

I'll go to jail and wind up with some guy that teaches you all three things.

Carrie, I asked you a question.

Is this yours?

Girl must be tripping.

That's enough, you two. I'll deal with you later. After Carrie. Go upstairs.

Come on, wife.

Yes,

it's mine.

Well...

come from?

Well, I guess not Amsterdam.

Maybe Western Canada.

Saskatoon.

British Columbia.

I'm really good at this stuff.

Which is not the point at all.

All right, go to your room. But I'm supposed to tutor Mary Beth.

Okay, then just go tutor Mary Beth.

No, stay.

No, no, go.

No, no. If you'd like, I could just hover.

That's it. Show attitude. Good call.

All right, Carrie, just go tutor Mary Beth and just come back the minute

done.

Boy, that's showing her, Kate.

Oh, you forgot to give her spending money.

I don't know what happened. I just froze.

Carrie, marijuana?

It's unbelievable.

I wonder where she would get such an idea.

Aunt Kate, come on, you let me in your home. You think I'm going to repay you

giving your daughter weed?

No.

I'd bet my left eye on it.

I haven't touched that stuff in five years.

In a row?

Okay, two.

You want some advice?

Oh, sure, between the stolen drug dog and the leather patch, you're batting a

thousand today. All I'm saying is that when my parents came down on me hard, I

went in the opposite direction. Obviously, they didn't come down hard

All right, stop it.

You want me to come down hard on her. You want me to go easy.

And I would just like to know what's going on inside my good child.

The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?

What up, Smokey?

Can't you be better than that?

What up, pot smoker?

Oh, hey, by the way, I just want to say thank you.

For what?

For getting Mom to utter the words, I'll deal with you later.

You know how long I've been waiting to hear that?

Since, like, birth.

Perfect. What do you think you're doing? You're not going out. Mom's pissed at

you. Not as much as she's pissed at you, which means I can do whatever I want.

Bridget, where do you think you're going?

Oh, Carrie.

I need to talk to you. I'll deal with you later. Okay.

So?

So?

Just ground me. Get it over with.

No.

Carrie, when I was your age, my mom would punish me, and I'd ask her why.

And she'd say, because I'm your mother, that's why.

But I'm not going to do that.

You and I are going to talk.

Oh, honey.

We've been through a lot this year.

I just want you to know that I understand if you're acting out because

happened to your dad.

God, Mom.

I'm so sick of everyone interpreting every move I make as a reaction to what

happened to Dad.

Last week I was at school and they served this disgusting lasagna, so I

out. Next thing I know, I'm in the principal's office.

Carrie, not eating is no way of dealing with grief. I'm like, it has nothing to

do with grief. Your food sucks.

You know, in case no one's noticed, I'm popular this year.

I have a boyfriend who loves me. I'm fine.

Okay.

You're fine.

Fair enough.

So, sweetie...

Let me ask you this.

Have you lost your mind?

Carrie, this is marijuana.

It's illegal, in case you didn't know. Oh, please, Mom, wind up.

Tell me you didn't try it when you were my age.

Hmm?

Well, all right, I won't lie.

Yeah, I did. And it was stupid and illegal back then, too.

Come on, Mom.

Everybody knows it's not a big deal.

Everybody doesn't work in an emergency room like I do.

Look, Carrie, I see kids come in there every day because they thought it wasn't

a big deal.

Where'd you get this anyway?

Come on.

Come on.

The debate team.

A few kids offered me a joint, and I took it.

The debate team smoked pot?

At least in my day, we thought it would make us cool.

You told me the debate team is cool.

It is.

It is.

Look, I stuffed it in my backpack and left it there. I never tried it, I

You didn't exactly throw it away, either.

You're grounded. One month.

Whatever.

That whatever just brought you another month.

Two months for doing nothing? Nothing?

I'm trying to get through to you, okay?

You also cannot... get your license until the fall. I can't get my license.

Why? Why?

Because I'm your mother. That's why.

Hey, Kate. I got your mail.

And if you're looking for Carrie Downey Jr.,

I saw her climbing down the rain gutter.

What?

Should I have stopped her?

So why do we have to look up here?

I'm grounded.

Had to sneak out of the house.

You know I climbed through a window for you? Yeah.

You're in trouble.

You never get in trouble.

What'd you do?

Did you get an A -?

My mom found weed in my backpack. She totally freaked out. I brought it for

months. Can't get my license. Can you believe that?

Since when did you start smoking weed?

Well, it's not like I'm part of the fluffhead stoner group. I just had some

me. It's a big deal.

You know my brother's a druggie and totally out there?

Well, yeah, but... The guy totally screwed up his life. It's not like I

see somebody else I care about go through that again.

Well, I hadn't even decided if I was going to try it or not.

I mean...

We're still okay, aren't we?

Look, let me know what your decision is, and then I'll let you know mine.

Kyle?

Can you hear me now?

Good.

Can you hear me now?

Good.

Okay.

So, trouble with the Lollipop Guild?

How'd you know I was here?

Teenage girl, mall, not exactly a Rubik's Cube.

Is that your boyfriend?

Not sure.

He looks familiar. I think I used to hang out with his brother.

Look, Whitney Houston, I get why you took off. I used to do the same thing

my parents wigged out on me.

But today...

I kind of saw what happens after the kid leaves, and it's kind of tough on your

mom.

She's upset?

Well, it's not like you're trapped in a well, but yeah.

Let me take you home.

Yeah, no, officer, no, that's Oak Dake.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Oh, well, look who shows up. We are worried sick trying to find Carrie, and

you're out finding Carrie.

Good job.

Oh, it kills you to say that, doesn't it? Like swallowing fire.

I'm so sorry.

I won't ever do it again.

No, you're damn right you won't.

All right.

We're going to take this thing and throw it into the fireplace. Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.

You give everyone a contact high? Come on.

You really want to see Grandpa cranking Pink Floyd and watching The Wizard of Oz

with the sound off?

I don't.

We flush it.

Officer.

Is this your daughter now?

For now.

Wow. It's like Christmas morning.

I had to thank your daughter for riding on the back of a motorcycle without a

helmet. Oh, it wasn't me.

You are in big trouble.

What? I thought you were dealing with me later because of Carrie and her

friends, Mary, Juan, and... Anna?

Nice try.

Look, officer, I'm sorry. My family is generally very respectful of the law.

Hey. Buddy.

This must kill our drug dog. How did he get here?

It was all him.

Because there's a reward for finding him.

It was all me, sir.

He smells my dog, I bet. He's fun.

Get him off me.

Good puppy.

He's a nice dog.

Sir, may I ask what you're doing with this?

That?

Yeah, sure.

That's... It's a, um... That's because... Well, it looks like it's time

glaucoma medication. Thank you, grandson.

There you go.

Now I have to make a court appearance.

Why didn't anyone tell me that glaucoma medicine is illegal in Michigan?

Well, Dad, look on the bright side.

You could carpool to the courthouse with Bridget.

Oh, and you might as well bring Rory, too. He could pick up his reward.

And you thought all this behavior was T .J.'s fault?

Guilty.

And you thought they were reacting to, well, you know what happened.

And it turns out they were just being typical rebellious teenagers.

Which means?

You're screwed.

What is it, Kate?

I just, uh, I just don't know if I can do this.

The kids are all reaching complicated ages.

I'm a single mom.

I don't want to be one.

You're a great mother.

And a great parent.

It's hard, Dad.

I'm just afraid I can't do it all alone.

Oh, baby girl.

You're not alone.

Finally.