Original subtitles

All right, Kate, just push then.

What's the big deal?

What's going on? What?

No, come on.

Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. My heart's beating like a rat. I

thought you were outside trying out your skateboard with the rest of the middle

-aged men.

I was, but I decided to come in for a minute.

Would you like your skateboard?

Yeah, I like it fine. It's just, uh, you know, I thought I'd come in for a

second.

Well, you do live here, so you have every right to just come on inside.

yeah. Just wanted to... Ha ha ha! Who's Matt?

CJ. Well, you practically forced me to look at the screen.

Ow!

this boyfriend I had in college. I looked him up on the internet and, you

I wanted to say hello.

Ooh, you old dog digging up the old bones.

Nice. Thank you.

Yeah, so why don't you push send?

You probably won't even remember me.

Senile.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Mom's hooking up with an old boyfriend.

What? Well, it's not exactly hooking up. I'm emailing.

And I don't even think I'm going to do that.

No, come on. You got to do it. Live on the edge.

I know. Mom's never been on the edge. Oh, I've been on the edge. Trust me.

Especially with Matt.

He was part of my dangerous phase.

You had a dangerous phase? It must have been before she started keeping the

snake bite kit in her purse.

I'll be laughing when you need one.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Did Mom ever have a dangerous phase?

Are you kidding me? She was hell on wheels.

Right up to the summer when she got bit by the snake.

That slowed her down.

Did Grandpa know Matt?

Matt Walsh? That crazy, long -haired, lowlife? I should have shot him when I

the chance.

I believe Grandpa knows the man.

I thought I told you to stay away from that hooligan.

Well, it was just an email, but if it's going to cause such an uproar, just

forget about Matt.

You're done.

Over. Never to be resurrected again.

I wonder if he'll write back.

I am going to kill Carrie and Bridget. They were supposed to be here an hour

ago. Man, Kate, I don't mind helping you, but I got a plan.

You know, I didn't commit to this bake sale. They did. Well, I know I didn't,

and I gotta go.

Me and some of the other substitute teachers are going out for a drink.

Tonight? Yeah.

We go to this bar where the real teachers go, but some of them can't make

we're filling in.

Well, how am I supposed to do this all by myself?

Oh, I don't know. You'll figure out a way. You always do.

Hey, Kate.

Are you busy?

A little.

I was hoping you could throw a button on my flannel shirt.

Well, do you have to have it tonight?

Yes. It's the one I wear when I watch the lumberjack competition.

Can you wear something else?

No. Can you watch something else?

You never really approved of log rolling, did you, Kate?

Mom, I need you. What?

This project's due tomorrow. My geyser's only sputtering.

I know that feeling.

Lori, you shouldn't have waited so long.

Kate, the button.

Ew, cookies.

Cookies? Where have you girls been?

It was Carrie's fault.

My fault? Yeah, you're supposed to pick me up. You weren't there on time. I have

a broken leg.

We're making out with Jack Harrington by the fountain.

With a broken leg.

Wait a minute. Is this why I've been baking cookies by myself for the last

No.

We went to the mall. What?

I have a broken leg!

Mom, it's not working. I'm going to fail.

Kate, the boy needs your help. Um, you made chocolate chip, Mom. We kind of

committed to butterscotch. Yeah, and these are kind of burned.

Hey, if you're tied up with this whole cookie thing, can I borrow the car?

I got the button and the shirt right here. One, one, one.

Button lumberjack. Button lumberjack.

Why don't I have a girlfriend?

I quit.

What? Bake your own cookies.

I am not a baker or a seamstress or a scientist.

I'm taking the night off.

Well, what about dinner?

I'm sorry. I just love dinner.

You can all fend for yourself.

You know what? That's right. Teach him a lesson. Toughen him up a little bit.

There is a fridge full of food because CJ was kind enough to go to the market

for me.

Was that today?

Oh, look.

A fire.

You knock.

No, you knock. No, you.

No, I'm not knocking.

I can't hear you, but I know you're out there.

And it's harshing my mellows, so leave.

Mom, please come out.

Yeah, Rory needs to talk to you. He thinks he's gay.

Super gay.

We agreed Carrie was going to be the gay one.

Kids, I spent 41 years married to your grandmother, and 39 of them I spent

outside the door, just like this one. She's not budging.

Maybe Grandma had other reasons.

All right, listen up.

You're about to hear the most powerful words you've ever heard come out of my

mouth. Do not...

I got your e -mail.

Well, why didn't you call?

I thought this would be more fun.

Gee, you look great.

Well, yeah, so do you. I mean, what I can see.

Gee, you know, Matt, we have a front door.

You said your dad lived here. I thought climbing the drain pipe would be safer.

I can't believe this. Come on in.

No. I want you to come out. I want to give you a ride on my motorcycle.

Now? Yeah.

I can't.

Why not? That's crazy.

Exactly. Let's be crazy like we used to be.

Matt, that was like a thousand years ago. What happened to Wild Katie?

I haven't changed a view.

You don't come out, I'm letting go.

Five, four, three, two... How you doing?

How many nights did we spend here? A lot more than we spent in the library.

There was a library?

Oh, my God.

It's Nixon.

Do you think it's still there?

Impossible.

Oh.

The gum I took out of my mouth right before our first kiss. I'll never forget

that kiss.

For years, I got turned on whenever I saw Nixon.

What are you drinking?

Please, these days?

I brought your favorite tea, sweetheart.

Please come out.

I'm serious, sweetie.

C .J.'s cooking pork, and I'm afraid for the children.

Two tequilas. Oh, God.

You better get your I .D. out, Katie. I'm serious. You look great.

I feel like I'm dreaming.

An hour ago, I was wearing fuzzy slippers, listening to Mozart, and

about elbow soffers.

Would you rather be here?

I'd rather live here.

Nixon.

Oh, warm.

Two more.

Oh, yeah, that's great, because I don't think driving a motorcycle through the

snow is quite dangerous enough.

Let me finally eat something.

Two double cheeseburgers. With onion rings.

And anything else you can fry.

You really haven't changed, have you?

Well, I did.

I changed back.

What do you mean?

Well, I did the corporate thing. You know, I sold roofing systems.

Who are we kidding? There's no system. It's a roof.

I hate it.

Did you ever get married?

I had a marriage system.

So, what are you doing now?

Having a drink with a beautiful girl.

On some most wanted list, are you? Oh, I made a little money in the market.

Now all I need is my bike, my laptop, and some open road.

I want your life.

I'm a single mom.

I cook, I clean, I do bake sales.

They depend on you for everything, huh? Yeah, that's right.

Right now they're probably eating bologna sandwiches on moldy bread.

I think this proves that we can give your mother a night off and still have a

nice dinner together.

May I present CJ's swine surprise.

Oh! Oh, it smells disgusting.

It was more sanitary when it was alive.

Hey, are those marshmallows? CJ, it's still pink.

That's the grape jelly.

Mom,

please come down here. We're sorry.

Mom, he's trying to kill us. You know what? I work all day, and I try to do

something nice for you guys.

Something a little special.

I gave up a night of substitute drinking, and this is the thanks...

The attitude I get?

I will never, oh, and I mean never, cook for this bunch again.

Oh.

I'm ordering a pizza.

If you order any pork products on that pizza, I will consider it a slap across

my face.

You look happy. I don't know if I can take any more excitement.

What a night.

Tequila. Red meat?

This guy, he called me miss.

You want to kiss the gargoyle?

You know, Matt, I may be a little out of touch, but if that's some kind of drug

or sexual reference, I'm not interested.

How could you forget about kissing the gargoyle?

There it is, right out here.

Come on, let's climb over and make a wish.

I'm not going down there. It's like a 200 -foot drop.

Because I have a cheeseburger and a piece of mud pie in me.

Come on, nobody falls.

40 kids in 100 years, that's not bad.

Come on.

But it looks so dangerous.

It's just so crazy.

Katie Egan, get out here.

All right.

All right, fine.

I'm coming. Here I come. That's the Katie I remember.

I didn't do this when I was 20.

They said that I didn't have a dangerous side.

Well, here I am, literally on the edge.

Whoa!

Here's my phone. I want a picture of this. Okay.

All right.

Oh, that's going to be great.

That's going to be great. Okay.

Ah, I don't know if the picture's so good.

Don't you want to know my wish?

Tell me.

I wish you'd run away with me.

What? Tonight, right now, yesterday.

Where would we go?

Wyoming, where we always said we'd go.

And open a waterbed store.

And write bluegrass songs.

And live on love and free -range chicken.

Live on love and free -range chicken.

You remember the song.

We were good.

Wouldn't that be great, Matt?

Living free forever like that? What a fantasy.

It doesn't have to be a fantasy.

Let's do it. Oh, come on. Come on, I'm serious.

Let's run away tonight. No, no, no. Say that. No, no, no. I'm not running away

with you. Why not?

There's nothing between us and total freedom.

Don't answer that.

Hello?

Oh, this is Kate Hennessy. Who's this?

It's your wife.

You said you left her.

I did.

When?

This afternoon when I got your email.

Matthew?

Matthew!

You left your wife for me?

Based on what? Your email.

Dear Matt, how's your life?

I read between the lines.

There were no lines.

Here, now you tell her that you're coming home. I'm not going back.

It's you and me now. Oh, no, no, no, no. Matt, you have lost your mind.

Katie, you say you'll run away with me.

Three. Matthew Walsh, get off the gargoyle.

Come on.

Living on a loving free range ship.

Forget it. We are not going to Wyoming.

We are not opening a waterbed store.

And we're definitely not writing bluegrass songs.

But you said your life wasn't exciting.

That doesn't mean I want to leave it. I have responsibilities and a family that

worships me.

I say let her rot.

And I always do my homework last minute, and she always helps me.

Boy, if you were my kids and this was around 1955, I'd be beating you right

What? That's right, with a switch.

And he'd make you go out back behind the barn and cut it yourself.

What barn?

Yeah, the 50s, everyone had a barn.

Just listen to you.

I mean, you took your mother for granted, and sometimes so do I.

But it's wrong.

She takes damn good care of us. We're hungry. There's food.

You're hurt. She makes you feel better. And if there's a mess, she cleans up. We

clean up.

Oh.

Hey, your mother's up in that room for one night. I wouldn't blame her if she's

up there for a month.

So get off your butts, clean up the mess, and think about what I just said.

Not you, CJ.

You keep sewing.

My foot's a little cold.

Wish my loafer hadn't fallen off.

This isn't going at all like I planned.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

Married Betsy right out of college.

Betsy Monaghan? Yeah.

That was her on the phone? Uh -huh.

She didn't like me back then.

This isn't going to help.

Now the kids are growing out of the house.

You have kids?

A lot of them.

I'm about to be a grandfather.

I wonder if that has anything to do with all this.

You know, all night long you sounded like such a rebel.

Such a born -to -be -wild man.

Sure sounded good.

What about the motorcycle?

Technically, I'm still out on a test ride.

I drive a Korean hatchback I can't even pronounce.

Six -cylinder?

Four.

What about the investments and the market?

I'm Senior Vice President of EverDrive Roofing Systems.

We did this bell tower.

That's Betsy.

That's one hell of a cell phone.

I'm sorry, Katie. This whole evening's been a disaster.

Oh, are you kidding?

This is exactly what I needed.

Riding on the back of that motorcycle, I felt like I was 20 years old and could

ride forever.

Let's go! Oh, don't start.

I know.

I guess I was a pile of dynamite waiting to go off and you came along.

Believe me, there's plenty of times I want to just chuck it all.

You know what stops me?

My kids.

I think about how great they are and how awful they are.

And how great they are.

And I don't want to change a thing.

Want to fool around a little bit?

Let's get you home, Gramps.

Okay.

Please don't call me that.

Mom, please come out.

Mom, we know you're mad and you have every right to me.

Mom, we know how lucky we are to have you. Please come out so we can tell you

that face to face.

So you can see the tears.

Baby, it's dad.

Come on out.

The lumberjack competition is over.

But I have it on tape if you're interested.

Or we can watch what you want.

Uh, Aunt Kate, it's your nephew, C .J.

Listen, I walked a mile in your shoes tonight, and I learned something.

You know, taking care of this family is the hardest job of all.

By the way, I broke a heel.

And I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

Sure, I have to share a room with Gramps here, and I don't get to use the car as

much as I'd like. She gets the point.

Mom, this is the last thing we're going to say, and then we'll leave you alone.

It's just weird when you're this mad at us.

It feels like a piece of us is missing.

Forget it. She's not budging. She can be such a witch.

Wait, wait, wait.

Mom, we're so sorry.

Look, it's okay. I'm better now.

Well, Kate, we had a little talk tonight about everybody helping out more.

I think they got the message.

He threatened to beat us.

Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it.

Hey, if you're hungry, you're in luck.

I happen to have a boatload of marshmallow pork left that's going to

Again.

It's all right. I already ate.

When? You were up here all night. Yeah, listening to your old people music and

taking a nap before bed.

Actually, um, I wasn't up here all night.

What do you mean?

You remember that guy on the internet?

My old boyfriend?

Well, he showed up.

He whisked me out the window. We jumped on his motorcycle, went to this little

club called the Purple Haze.

I had a double cheeseburger, did tequila shots.

We broke into the bell tower, climbed up to the top, and I talked them down out

of a nervous breakdown.

Um, Mom, hear us.

We love you.

Dull, boring you.

You don't have to make up these stories.

Come on, Mom. Come taste the cookies we made.

Okay. I'll be right there. All right.