Original subtitles

You're not the only one who has to be at school.

I'm sorry, Carrie. I am student body president now, and leadership starts

the hair down.

I don't believe you. You're so selfish.

Well, at least I'm still a virgin.

What does that have to do with anything?

You are such a twit. At least I'm still a virgin.

Stop saying that. Mom might hear you. You're right. I'm sorry.

Seriously, what are you doing in there? That takes so long.

Virgin stuff.

You guys stop saying the word virgin.

You heard that? From the basement.

There's certain words my ear is acutely attuned to hearing.

Virgin is one of them.

Actually, it's the only one.

How about beat it, leave, and get out?

Nope, not getting anything.

Anyway, I'm just saying, unless you want the whole world to know what Carrie did

on her summer vacay, I'd dial it down a notch.

Virgin. Playing with fire.

Don't you think it's about time you got ready for school?

Grandpa, you don't have to get rid of me.

There's no prize in this box.

I'm just saying it's getting late.

I don't want to go.

There's this boy at school, Pete Schiller.

Killer Schiller.

He said if I showed up today, he'd punch my lights out.

Oh, well, you got nothing to worry about?

Why? You think he's all talk? No, getting knocked out is just like going

sleep.

Are you going to eat the toast?

You try to steal our newspaper again, you wind up in the obit section. You got

that? But now, how do you like me now?

Hey, little Hefner, what's with the PJ?

He's afraid of some bully at school.

Oh, you see how I talk to that neighbor?

A punk like that gets in your face, you bring the pain.

You rain it down on his world.

That punk is four years old.

Yeah, but he's as big as a six -year -old.

Okay, let's go, let's go. Rory, go get dressed. We have to leave for school in

five minutes. What's the hurry?

I gotta get there early to talk to Principal Gibb. What bridge did you

this time?

Nobody did anything wrong.

The principal wants to talk to me about a job. The school nurse is retiring and

he wants me to take her place.

The school nurse?

Yep. At our school?

That's right.

Seriously, Mom, what did I do wrong?

All right, what are you two talking about?

Nothing.

Well, you're obviously talking about something.

I think he only wants a nurse's job so you can spy on him at school.

Carrie's afraid I'll tell you what they're talking about, but Bridget

think I can hear them.

Ow! Can you hear me now?

So you think I want to take this job so I can pry into your lives?

Oh, come on, Mom. It's pretty obvious from the way you grill us after school.

Yeah, you mean like when I say, how was school today?

So you admit it.

Look, here's the deal. I am tired of working nights at the hospital.

And I promise, if I take this job, I will respect your privacy.

I guess it wouldn't be too embarrassing to have you there.

As long as you never come out of your office. And wear a wig. And change your

last name.

You make it sound like I'm a three -headed freak.

As far as moms go, I think I'm pretty hip.

Uh, hello. Hip is a body part.

I listen to you girls talk.

I know some of that lingo.

I'm with it. I am down with the program.

Oh my God.

What? Just stop the vehicle.

This isn't your school.

Yeah, it is now. We're transferring.

You saw that she hit me, right?

Come in. Come in.

Thank you so much for coming in so early.

You know, I'm very busy.

Were you taking a nap?

What?

Why would you ask me that?

Well, your eyes are puffy and lines are drawn.

There's a pillow on your desk.

Well, don't jump to conclusions. It's a very simple explanation for...

All right, yes, I was napping.

I've given up coffee, and I'm having a really tough time of it. I went cold

turkey. Yeah, I did that once.

It made me so cranky. Well, we're talking about me right now, okay?

I'm sorry.

Have a seat.

So, have you had a chance to give some thought to my offer?

Well, actually, I'm very interested.

Uh, my children aren't exactly thrilled.

They have this crazy idea that I might embarrass them. Oh, well, they'll get

over that. I've seen them with you. They trust you, and they admire you.

So I'm like the only candidate you have.

Basically, yes.

And here's the deal.

Your kids are going to be embarrassed by you no matter what you do, so why don't

you make the choice that's best for you? In the long run, that'll be best for

the entire family.

I'll take the job. You will?

Yeah. Fantastic.

Oh, welcome aboard.

It's not going to be uncomfortable between us.

No, no, absolutely not. I promise you're going to be like one of the guys.

I'm really not myself these days. Margie, coffee, now.

You're going to love it here.

We're like family.

This is Bridget Hennessey, student body president, with today's announcement.

The Ultimate Frisbee Club will be practicing from 3 to 4 .30 on the North

Remember, if a dog can do it, it's not a real sport.

On another note, the Metaphysics Club is meeting tomorrow.

Or are they?

What does that mean?

Hey.

We can be friends.

I knew that breaking up was going to be awkward.

I'm sorry. I just haven't had a chance to take this.

Okay,

now this is awkward.

In other news, don't forget Friday is school picture day. So anyone who's

any embarrassing complexion issues, I want to take some extra care this week.

You know who you are.

Finally, there is no truth to the rumor me and Jenna Sharp are wearing the same

skirt today. Mine is a size smaller and looks way cuter.

You forgot to mention art fair again.

Oh, sorry.

There's an art fair?

Like anybody cares?

Hi, girls.

Hi. Tennessee, I'm gonna pound you.

Uh, Rory, what's going on? Nothing, Mom.

Might as well tell you.

I'm taking the job.

You're going to be here every day?

That's right, sweetie.

My life is over.

Tell me now.

Don't come aboard, Mom.

Oh, hi, Marissa.

Mr. Tennessee, what are you doing here?

I'm the new school nurse.

Oh, congratulations.

Well, see ya. Uh, no, honey, come here. Look, I understand this might be awkward

talking to me, but just forget that I'm Bridget's mom.

And here, you can say anything.

And you won't freak out?

Nope. All right.

I got a tattoo, and now I think it's infected.

See?

Whoa.

Did you do that at home with your dad's screwdriver?

Just kidding.

Actually, it's a lovely butterfly, dragon, snake.

It's a peacock.

Right.

I'm just going to clean that up. But, you know, you really should go to your

family doctor and get a tetanus shot.

Okay.

That's it? No lectures?

No. I was a teenager once. I did a lot of crazy things myself.

I never knew Bridget had such a great mom.

Well, I like to think I'm hip, with it, down with the...

The point is, Bridget and I have a very open relationship, and there's nothing

she can't tell.

So jealous.

So did Bridget's tattoo get infected also?

Hey. What are you doing here?

Your mom forgot her purse at home.

You don't happen to know her PIN number by any chance, do you?

Check it out. Here comes Schiller.

Hey, hey, freshman.

My shoe's untied.

Tie yourself, ass face.

What did you just say?

Remember, my mom, a school official, is right behind this door.

Smart. You smell like an ape. At least you're not as dumb as one.

Oh, good one.

Speaking of dumb, you're so stupid, when you heard it was chilly outside, you

ran out with a bowl and a spoon.

That is stupid.

What are you laughing about, dweeb? You're holding a purse.

I know you're not talking about my cousin. Hey, isn't that your mom walking

the hall?

No.

Move me!

Really, don't be afraid of that, baboon. Rain the... Oh.

And finally, auditions for the senior musical Annie will be held tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Bridget, we have to talk.

Mom, I thought we agreed not to do that at school. No one is even watching.

Hello, Mom, it's me. Someone is always watching.

Do you have a tattoo?

What? You heard me. Do you?

Do you?

Fine, yes, okay.

No, it's not okay.

I specifically told you no tattoos.

How did you even find out? I thought you weren't going to spy on me. And I

thought... I could trust you. You are grounded. What? That is so unfair. You

never ground Carrie.

I do when she deserves it. Oh, please. You watch him like a hawk while you let

Miss Goody Goody do whatever she wants.

This is not about Carrie, Bridget. It's about you. Besides, Carrie would never

do anything so stupid and reckless.

Oh, yeah? Well, at least I'm still a virgin.

What?

Carrie's not a virgin?

What are you doing under the bleachers? Just go away.

Look, Carrie, you have every right to be angry at me.

How could you tell her?

How could you?

I'm so sorry. It's just, first Mom busted me on my tattoo, and then she

up as a shining example, a little Miss Perfect. I just kind of blurted it out.

I don't think I can ever forgive you. It was a rotten thing to do.

It was a horrible thing to do. It was a horrible, terrible thing to do. It was a

mean...

selfish, stupid, thoughtless... Okay, let's not forget Mom's the one who

it over the PA.

Look, Carrie, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, anything at

all... You can leave me alone. You can borrow any of my sweaters. I'll get you

invited to any party. I'll set you up with any guy.

Not that you should have any problem with that now.

I'm kidding.

Did you lose your sense of humor, too?

Hey, how you doing?

Not so good.

Look, nobody listens to those announcements anyway.

Oh, don't forget, Friday's picture day.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Kyle, you're being so sweet.

Well, we're friends now, and I'm just trying to be your friend.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry you had to find out this way.

You must be humiliated.

Actually, it's not that bad.

Everybody thinks it was me.

It wasn't me, was it?

I gotta go.

Some guys are buying me lunch.

So, anything interesting happen at school today?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Thinking of going out for JV football.

You don't even go here.

All right.

I'm hiding from Schiller, okay? The guy's an animal. Have you seen him? My

I'd have beat him off with my purse.

Anyway, you want to talk about it?

Thanks, but what I need is just to be alone.

No, what you need is someone to talk to.

And that someone is me, okay? I'm a good listener.

Hey, James, it's cool. Hey, Purse Boy! Gotta go!

Hey, champ, how'd it go with the bullet?

Well, I think I'm out of the wood.

He found someone else to pick on.

Now, let me guess.

Killer Schiller? What's up, Petey?

Let me give you some advice, Killer.

When you want to visit the Hennessys, you ring the doorbell.

Or I'll ring your bell.

Got it?

Got it. Good. Get out.

Run!

That's how the men in this family handle bullets.

You know that.

Put the purse down.

Just a minute, young lady.

I want to talk to you.

Whatever.

What is going on with my 16 -year -old daughter? Oh, didn't you hear the

announcements?

You know, I wouldn't cop an attitude with me today.

What happened at school was an accident, and I am sorry.

But now that it's out in the open, we are going to talk about this.

I didn't want to...

have this conversation until you were older than me.

And certainly not while I was still driving you to school, but here we are.

So let's talk.

We're collecting our thoughts.

Okay. I'll go first.

Were you safe?

Yes.

Okay, now you go.

Well, I was hoping that you'd never find out. Well, I was hoping that you'd

never have sex. Okay, great. Can we leave it at that? No.

Who is he?

His name is Bruno.

He's an art student.

Bruno?

The art student?

And?

And I met him in Paris, and I fell in love, and he broke my heart.

Oh, honey.

I hate that you had to go through something like that alone.

Well, I did tell Bridget.

And that's good.

Sisters should be there for each other.

Was she helpful?

Not as much as CJ.

You told CJ?

And he was helpful?

What, was I the last one to find out? Mom, I didn't tell you anything because

didn't want to disappoint you.

And I'm supposed to be the smart one, and...

I feel like an idiot.

Oh, honey.

Not an idiot. Well, yeah, I am, because the guy I chose turned out to be a jerk.

And if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't.

And that's something I haven't told anyone.

Oh. Oh.

I don't want to interrupt this.

I'm going to go to the mall.

No, I don't think so.

You're grounded.

Yes, right. About the tattoo.

How long is that going to be for?

I haven't decided.

Did I mention I'm still a virgin?

Hey, I told you, stop saying the word virgin. Hey.

Yeah, just keep your kid away from my paper. Comprende?

Oh, is that supposed to scare me?

Oh, it doesn't, all right? I don't know karate, but I do know karate.

Oh, soccer mom.

Good morning, TJ.

Hey, I got your paper.

Paper? We canceled that a month ago.

Oh, we're getting it now.

Hey, listen, sorry I couldn't give you the heads up about Carrie earlier. It's

just, you know, I try to keep my ear to the tracks around here, but...

You know Carrie. She don't like to say much around us adults.

I know she told you. And sometimes she says too much.

I can't believe everyone knows.

Wait, Grandpa doesn't know, does he? Of course not.

Oh, you better not tell him. Oh, yeah, that's a conversation I want to have.

Ew, I would never tell him.

Hi, Gary.

All right, what's going on?

Nothing, Dad. Why?

You were just talking about something.

No, we weren't.

Hey, we're off to school.

Katie.

Dad, I don't want to be late.

Then spill it.

All right.

Carrie tested at a college level on her English achievement test.

It's the highest score in the history of the school.

Really? Yeah, but don't say anything. She's kind of embarrassed by the

attention. How about that? Our little girl. I know.

Well, got to run.

Oh, nothing.

Really proud of you.

What are you talking about?

Oh,

the big news?

Boy, that's going to look great on your college application.

Grandpa? It's all right. Your mom told me.