All language subtitles for Top_Gear_Series_1_-_09._Episode_9_p00yztms_original

In tonight's Top Gear:

The ultimate family cars.

What is the best hot hatchback?

And the Stig meets his match
on our track.

Hello. Now, when I was growing up,
doing the school run was simple.

You hammered kids into the car
until you couldn't close the door.

Some got stuck in the ashtray.
In an accident, some died.

We put the fat ones at the front
to act as a primitive airbag.

But nowadays you wouldn't dream
of putting a child in a car

unless it had its own monogram,
personalised airbag.

And its own seatbelt. So that means
each child needs its own seat.

And that's where one of these
comes in - a people carrier.

This is the new Renault Espace.

It's the latest version of the car,
which in Europe at least, started
the people carrier ball rolling.

Like all new Renaults, it has
odd, angular, futuristic styling,

which conceals an odd, angular,
futuristic interior.

But no amount of Star Trek trickery
can mask the car's sole function.

To be as practical as possible
in the smallest possible space.

There are endless permutations to
the way you can arrange the seats.

But the upshot is all your children
and all their friends

can travel in comfort and safety.

So that's the Renault Espace.

A bit pricey,
but the perfect family car.

Except for one small thing.

May I show you our cool wall.

We divide cars into Sub Zero,

Cool, Uncool, and then Seriously
Uncool, which includes the Beetle,

and anything with a Skoda badge.

Now, this is a handful
of people carriers, OK?

And they all go in Uncool.
New Espace - Uncool.

Citroen C8 - Uncool? AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Uncool, definitely.

Seat Alhambra - Uncool.

Peugeot 807 - Uncool,
Toyota Previa - Uncool. What's that?

Chrysler...thing. Voyager, thank
you. What's that then? Hyundai?

What's the Hyundai one called? What?
The Hyundai's Seriously Uncool?

You have a point.

Kia? Kia Garbage. No, you're right,
put it there, what the hell.

The thing with normal cars is
you buy one cos you want one.

These are like washing up bowls -
you buy them cos you NEED them.

And that's where these come in -
off-roaders.

You still get seven seats,
and you get cool looks,

and it's as safe as travelling
to school in Fort Knox.

Look what happens when you crash
a 4X4 into a normal car.

The normal car absolutely destroyed.
You wouldn't want to be in that.

If you want to be anywhere,
it'd be the 4X4.

Big toy like that,
the perfect family car. It is.

This is a Discovery -
it'll break down. Watch this.

I'll close this door
and the glove box opens!

It's a clown's car. If you start it,
the wheels will come off! Not this.

That one. Toyota Land Cruiser.

In the leafier parts of Britain,

the Land Cruiser
is THE school run transport.
It has everything you could want.

Legendary Toyota reliability,
eight seats - and enough
boot space for a cameraman.

CHILD: I got sick this morning.

This, however, is the new
Toyota Land Cruiser.

It's more of the same, but bigger,
better looking and better equipped.

It's also a better ride.

For a big off-roader,
it's comfortable.
And if you go for the diesel engine,

it's economical too.

Good boy. Well done. Come on.

Inside you get a blend
of wood and metal.

There are lots of knobs, too,
and satellite navigation.

Which means for £36,000
it's not bad value.

So, the new Toyota Land Cruiser.
Cool, strong and dependable.

The perfect family car

Except for one small thing.

Step inside. Here we find that
it's got a low-range gear box.

That's very useful
in the Kalahari desert

but pretty unnecessary
in Guildford.

The same goes for height-adjustable
suspension and locking diffs.

You pay for stuff you'll never need.

That's where these come in.
Grass and gravel 4X4s.

The BMW X5 and the Audi Allroad.

They haven't got all that kit,
so you're not lugging around
excess engineering. Perfect.

Except for one small thing.

They've only got five seats, so you

may as well have a family hatchback.

To recap - people carriers, uncool.

Big off-roaders, wasteful. Grass
and gravel off-roaders, impractical.

So we're stuck.
Not any more we're not.

This is the new Volvo XC 90.

It's such an important car,
we had one shipped over from Sweden

before it goes on sale in Britain
to see what it's like.

In many ways, it's like a BMW X5.

You get the high-driving position,
which is what you really want,

but you're not burdened with
low-range this and locking that.

This means it'd be no good
on the plains of Africa.

The meerkats would laugh at it.

It would fail in the Antarctic, too.

It wouldn't get you
out of Death Valley either.

However, in temperate,
undulating Britain
why should we care about that?

What matters more is that it

doesn't work very well here either.

Obviously, being a big,
tall, heavy Volvo estate,

it comes as no surprise to find
that it isn't very sporty.

The ride is fidgety and through
the corners, being tall,
it handles like a giraffe.

There's something else, too.
It was designed in America.

So it's HUGE.

Now that might work
in downtown Houston.

Driving here in something the size

of a town hall, can be intimidating.

Threading it through a village
is like threading an elephant

through the eye of a needle.

Park this up for five minutes

and they'd want you to pay poll tax.

And I haven't finished yet.

This model has a 2.9 litre,
twin-turbo, six-cylinder
petrol engine which chews fuel.

You'd be lucky to get
15 miles to the gallon.
So you have to have the diesel.

So, it doesn't work off-road,

it's vast, it's thirsty
and it's not very nice to drive.

So, what's the big deal?

To understand, I've come

to Jurassic Park, in the Cotswolds.

This is the kind of place families

come to and this is the kind of car
they'll want to come in.

Let's start at the back,

where we find a split-folding
rear tailgate,

such as you get on a Range Rover.

The advantage of this is that you
have somewhere to sit at gymkhanas.

And this is a Volvo estate,

so the back is huge.

It'll take anything in here,
up to a horse.

So it has no problem with my lizard.
Sally, out. Out! Come on.

HE KNOCKS ON THE CAR

Oi, come on, out. Sally, out!

Lizards are so disobedient.
You can't teach them anything.

17 years old and she doesn't
even understand "Sit".

Guys, could you come
and...help me out here?

See? That's a really,
properly big boot.

You could get a crocodile in there.

You can get any sort of pet
in the back of a Volvo. Easy-peasy.

Right. So it's good for lizards.

Now let me show you
how good it is for people.

Right.

This row of seats lifts up like so

and this one's particularly clever.

There's a lever down here and,

if I pull it, it converts
to a child's booster seat.

Which, if the child feels left out,

can be slid forward
so it's part of the action in front.

In fact, all these seats move
back and forth.

And that on its own is great.

But it's got more tricks.
Hidden under the boot floor
are two more seats.

And they're not occasional
little chairs. Look.

They've got proper three-point seat
belts, cubbyholes there and there,

you can work the air conditioning
system from here and look at this.

This enables people in the back

to listen through headphones
to a CD or watch a DVD
that slides down from the roof

while the grown-ups in front listen
to Radio 4.

There's even a remote control
for the stereo here.

This car is incredible!
..And look.

Even with the back seats in place -

let me pull this one up as well
to show you -

you still get a decent-sized boot.

Most car designers

are 26 years old,
black polo-neck jumpers,
yellow, rectangular glasses.

Whoever did this had children.

Now for the best bit - the price.

The diesel is £30,000
and the petrol is £33,000.

That's £12,000 less than a BMW X5.

They haven't skimped on standard
equipment. The satellite navigation

slides, in James Bond fashion,
out of the dashboard.

I've got minidisc, CD - it's like
driving about in a branch of Dixons.

They haven't skimped on safety,
either.

Even the back seats have air bags.

And, because it's tall and more
likely to roll than a shorter car,

the roof is made
from specially strengthened steel.

# ..Little lamb, who made thee? #

So - on the plus side,

it's very safe, it's more practical
than any car on the road today,

it's well equipped
and it's good value.

On the downside,
it's not that nice to drive.

You choose.

Those seats really do look
absolutely fantastic. Brilliant!

A brilliant piece of design. But
the drive - how bad is it really?

It's not bad. It's just not as good
as an X5. An X5 feels like a car.

This feels like a wild animal -
it's fidgety, it rolls.

Not really a brilliant drive,
but a great car.

I've got a worry about 4x4s
generally. Only a small one.

I like 'em. I get the big thing.

And I like the height. I can see
why you would. I do enjoy that bit.

It's a new experience for you.
Sometimes quite scary, actually.

What I worry about... I've got one,
drive around in it with my family.

I'm always aware, with a guilty nag,

that if I change direction suddenly,
it could topple.

And the fact that
they've reinforced the roof

is like Volvo saying, "Yes, it
really could." That worries me.

There are two kinds of safety -
active safety, which is a small,
nimble car that can avoid accidents,

and passive safety,
which is what this has got.

They say, "You might crash.
Accidents happen.

"But we'll take care of you."
Hence the roof.

The fact is, big cars are better
in impacts from any direction -

you're better off with one of these.

Good passive safety. If I wanted
to put my children anywhere,

I'd put them in this.
The odds are better. Yes.

OK. We were talking about this in
the pub. Cars are getting heavier,

yet the fastest cars
around our track were light.

Clearly, heavier cars are slower,
use more fuel and cost more to run.

So we thought, what if you took
a normal, heavy car, then took out
the spare stuff to make it lighter?

How much faster would it go?
We had to find out.

Because of the unique way the BBC's
funded, we had £500. It got us this.

Yes, it's a 1985 Jaguar XJS V12.

5.3-litre engine,
300 brake horsepower.

We sent the Stig out in this,
and he clocked up a remarkable
0-60 time of 8.6 seconds!

This car is still pretty quick.
OK. But what would happen

if we strip out as much weight
as we can - will it go any faster?

These guys are from Cornwall,
your stamping ground, so you'll
understand them. I can translate.

That's useful. Can you tell them
to crack on? OK. Crack on.

We'll see how it goes later.
We've got a problem.

Go on. The Stig says he doesn't
want to drive, he wants to promote.

He's done a CD of Christmas hits,
easy listening.

We said, "It's the BBC - you can't
promote it." So he's having a strop.

Ah, a cross Stig. Don't give in.
Anyway, let's do the news.

The producers can worry about it.
No new product this week, it being
Christmas, but plenty to talk about.

First, Jacques Cousteau's opened a
dealership in the English Channel.

This is...

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

This is the boat

that went down with 3,000 cars.

3,000 cars! Interestingly,
mostly BMW. And you just knew
it had to be a BMW boat.

He pulled out without looking
and wallop!

Big impact - two ships collide. The
ship sinks. Clunk! Hits the bottom.

Big impact. 3,000 cars.
Why didn't all the air bags go off?

If they had, it would have just...
Whoops!

Problem solved. The thing is, you
know all the Spanish fishermen...

You know what's coming now! Because
their coast's been wrecked by oil,

they'll be straight up the Channel,
hooking themselves a couple of 318s.

And there are Saabs as well. "Oh,
chuck that back." "Chuck it back."

"9-3? No - it's not subsidised
enough." The true disaster's that
Volvo we just looked at. Great car.

They're only making 50,000 a year
anyway, which is not enough. 350
of them were on the boat. No! Sunk?

They've sunk.
It's gotta make it worse.

Imagine that call. "Where's my car?"
Down at Jaques'.

If you want an XC90, pop over
to Spain. Slightly water damaged,
but that's where they'll end up.

Morgan are going racing again,
which is good news.

But it's an expensive business.
There's their car.

Sponsorship's scarce,
with a recession coming.

They've had an idea to raise a few
quid. Remember the Beano Club?
Did you join?

It cost... It's just me, isn't it?

I remember it! It cost you about 5p.
You sent off and got a membership
card and a badge with googly eyes.

Morgan have launched
the Morgan Club and you can join.
It costs more than 5p.

It's £1,000. Ooh! Yes, but...
for that you do get...

That's instead of sponsorship? Yes.
All the £1,000s go in the kitty
so they can go racing. Right, OK.

You drive yourself to the circuit,
obviously.

But members get free entrance
and a grandstand seat. Seat? Yes.
What sort of seat?

Red plastic. Not a throne, then? No.
Which is what I'd want for £1,000,
with tiger skin.

And a sun screen.
Half-naked Fijian girls chilling me.
It doesn't mention that.

You get your name on a list of
donors. Private access to the team.

But it's a 24-hour race and they'll
be on the circuit for... 45 minutes.

With 23 hours to establish
what went wrong.

Do you not get a clubhouse,
a tree house with a ladder, where
you can go and talk about Morgans?

You can buy
limited edition clothing. Buy?

It's a bit steep. Maybe I won't.

I've found the perfect investment.

It's a house in the South of France,
currently for sale.

Beautiful house. Very nice.
Then, in the grounds...

there's the race track. No! Nice!

I kid you not,
it's got a full-on racetrack in it!

Every home should have one.
Look at that! And that's all yours.

How much is it? Nine million euros.

That's steep. Actually, it's 40p.
LAUGHTER

But here's an even better story
than Jacques Cousteau's dealership.

Motorcyclist Leon Humphries
has been taken to court

for not telling the DVLA
that his Suzuki was off the road.

He claims that under mediaeval law
he's entitled to settle the dispute

in a trial by combat. Ooh, yes!

LAUGHTER

He says that under mediaeval law,
which is still on the statute books,

he's entitled to fight a champion
nominated by the licensing agency.

The DVLA champion? Well, it is
in Swansea. So they'll all do it!

The fly halves will say,
"I'll have him!"

But the DVLA have to remember
that it's a fight to the death.

That's strict. You can use swords,
knives, or blacksmiths' hammers.

Nice. Now that's good television!

That's something I'd want to watch!

That's all, but we have a treat
in store. Look what we've got here.

It's the new MG SV.
It's the new car from MG Rover,

now that BMW have left them alone.
Yippee!

MGs have been a bit
johnny-go-lightly in the past,

a bit delicate in the Dunlops.
This is different.

If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe
made mad man-love

on the set of Gladiator in an angry
brawl, this would be the result.

This is the spawn
of something momentous.

It's even got somewhere
to rest your helmet!

Honestly, it's got helmet holders
in the back!

Would you like to hear it?
AUDIENCE: Yes!

We all like V8 thunder
on a Sunday evening.

Here we go. So go to DEFCON III,
engage, and fire.

IGNITION REVS

WHISTLING

ENGINE STOPS

This will go on sale next year
priced at around £60,000,

or more for the 1,000 horsepower
nitrous kit. Do you want that?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
You just do.

Very, very nice. Obviously, they
won't make a family version of it.

No, family man is doomed to drive
Volvos, like the one we saw before,

wear slippers, and slowly go beige.

Or you could have one of these,
a Subaru Forester.

You remember the '80s
like they were just two decades ago.

You remember steering a car
just by feeling through your bum.

You still could, if you could
get your bum in the seat.

This might fit neatly
into your life, though.

It's the new Subaru Forester.

At first glance,
it's family car heaven.

It's got a big boot with space
to put all the things you now need,

like kids, books and apples.

It's sensibly high off the ground
so nothing gets damaged underneath.

It's got everything you need.
Oh, and it can do this.

MUSIC: "Narayan" by Prodigy

Without a doubt, it really does
take years off the family man.

It's got an Impreza chassis
and an Impreza turbo engine,

there's a 177-brake horsepower
available, and 5,600 rpm.

It'll hit 60 in 7.9 seconds,
and has permanent four-wheel drive
and a limited slip differential.

You'd have to be trying very hard
indeed to break it. It rocks.

This is superb.

It's an Impreza Turbo with a basket
in front and kids' seat in the back.

It uses so many Turbo nutters'
bits and pieces,

they could almost have
stuck an Impreza badge on it.

It does offer real-life advantages
over the Impreza, though.

There's more space in the back,
the boot's bigger,

and that extra height
will please the kids.

If you're old enough to have been
around for the first hot hatches,

you're probably worried
about your weight by now.

Subaru are watching their weight
too, but they're more concerned
about where to put it.

Having the Impreza's engine here
is good, and not just for the power.

It's a flat-four, which means it's
low. It's mounted low in the car.

That keeps the centre of gravity
low, which all helps the handling.

Which means where it really
wins out is as an all-rounder.

Many off-roaders claim to be good
on the road, when they're not.

This is.

The ride is smoother
and more comfortable

than on many cars
built just to cruise the motorways.

The low centre of gravity
stops off-roader wobbling.

It's civilised, but without losing
the ability to cut it off-road.

On the downside, it is thirsty,

and the interior is not exactly
inspired in terms of decor.

But the previous Forester was truly
awful inside, and this one isn't.

The radio is clearly aimed
at buyers of the Impreza,

with tiny buttons lighting up like
an oil rig at night. But it's loud.

They put an Impreza Turbo's DNA
into a family car, and it works!

It's not an in-your-face off-roader,
the Forester.

Compared to CRVs and Freelanders,
it looks a little bit quiet.

But believe me,
it really is the best of the bunch.

The other thing is, Subaru always
win those reliability surveys.

That's true. And it does everything
you want for the family. It's quick.

It won't fall over like a tall 4X4.

The best thing of all is that its
photograph goes in the cool section

of our board! Cool car!
What do you mean, "No"?

Have you seen the interior? Yes.
It's bland, and boring and dull.

He just hasn't got the idea of this
at all.

It's not the point! He's Lawrence
Llewellyn-Bowen without the cuffs!

It's cool! TVR?
AUDIENCE: Cool!

No! Again, you're wrong! Uncool!
And I'll explain why, if I may, OK?

TVRs, as we know, are for men whose
trousers are creeping up a bit.

You know the time of life?

When the gap between the nipple and
waistband is starting to come down.

I'm afraid that's why it's uncool.

Anyone got any objections to that?

Yes. You again! Who is it now?

You can't say that's uncool.
It comes in yellow. What?!

LAUGHTER

So do bananas!

Is everything yellow cool? No.

Talking of yellow,
where do we put the Polo?

AUDIENCE: No...
No! You're wrong!

Cool car. Euro chic. Euro chic!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Agree with me? It's cool.

What do you drive? Jeep Wrangler
Sport, but I had a Polo before!

They're dreadful cars, but cool!

It doesn't matter what
they're like to drive or look at,

but whether they're cool or not.

Colour doesn't matter. Forget that.

You've got your Fiat Punto.

Anything little and
European goes in the cool section.

Are you sure about the M3? Part of
me thinks it's in the wrong place.

What do you reckon? M3?
The only way to put that is down!

I...I can't... Leave it. Please
leave the M3 down there, really.

It's a great car, make no mistake.
We'll discuss that later. Great car.

Ferrari 575? Sub-zero. Sub-zero?

Now, that's...

Who's put a Porsche Boxster in
the sub-zero? It's you, isn't it?

It's you because you've got one.

It's a cool car. I had one.
You had that in uncool. Mmm.

You can't put that in cool.
I had one last week, a Boxster S.

It was beautifully balanced,
but you look like a prat.

No, it's not that bad, really.

Don't put the M3 in cool!

I've gone with you on most of them.
Will somebody back me up?

We'll have a vote on the M3.

Hands up if you think it's cool.

Hands up if you think it's uncool.

More for cool, I win.
But this isn't a democracy.

It's a lose-lose.
You're gonna lose.

Time to put our star
in a reasonably-priced car.

This one's got three restaurants.

Britain's best chef, apart from
Ainsley Harriott - Gordon Ramsay!

Ainsley Harriott! Ainsley Harriott.
He's not a chef.

What?! He's a comedian.
Ainsley Harriott's not a chef?

He doesn't have a restaurant.
He's a comedian and a presenter.

He can make supper for a fiver.
He can barbecue food.

He gets a tin, a Hoover bag and £5
and can feed a family for a month.

You - £5 for a sprig of parsley!

In between opening
25,000 restaurants,

you've dished up four children.
Yes.

All under four. Under four? Yeah.
Nightmare.

What a man. Woah!

LAUGHTER

It'll be empty by now.
Have you got a cushion?

Yeah, four under four.
What do you do for a family car?

It was a problem with a Range Rover
because you couldn't ever
get four seats in the back.

So we got a Mercedes,
one of those ML six-seaters.

But there's no boot in the back.
No.

But I don't get over-involved
with those sort of...

You don't do the school run?
I did once. Talk me through it.

It's 8.20am and you're driving
along the Wandsworth Road
towards Battersea

and the women now, the mums,
don't double-park, they treble-park.

I have to say, a few years ago
I was doing a programme
about women doing the school run.

I turned up with a film crew
outside a school in Sloane Square.

Who should pull up and treble-park
but Mrs Gordon Ramsay.

I thought you'd forgotten.
How could I? She's attractive.

This is my key for not doing
the school run, chaps.

Volunteer to do it. The next
morning do it again and then again.

Fourth morning, say to your wife,
"A lot of the mums are quite slim."

LAUGHTER

You'll never do it again.

Women drivers and vegetarians -
we could forget congestion charges,

and have alternate days, one
for women and one for vegetarians,
London would be a dream to drive in.

How would this play? Is this good?
I'm a vegetarian. Get out!

He does not look like a vegetarian!
I am.

What are you doing?
Gardeners' World is in Hampshire.

I quite like that idea.

They drive 15mph. Vegetarians? Yeah.

They don't look
and they never indicate.

How can you tell they're
vegetarians? I like to think that.

Cos they look rather dodgy.

Pale and wan? In need of a good,
bloody fillet steak, you know.

While we're on annoying things,
motorway service stations?

What do you think of the food?

Shockingly, disgustingly fad.

Pretty dismal, plastic, um...

And expensive.
Gross, imitation food.

Eat before you drive! There's
no need to eat before you drive.

We thought, "Hang on a minute,
you're driving in a car that has
a big, hot engine in it.

"Why not use that to cook your food
as you drive along?"

Let's run some tape
and I'll show you what we did.

This is a Subaru Forester.

Strapped to its engine we have

a succulent turkey breast with
a reduction of porcini mushrooms

with red wine and garnished
with winter sprouts.

This is the Lada
we turned into a Lotus.

That's being used to cook a
baby rack of lamb with vegetables

and herbs.

The Suzuki Liana will cook wild
salmon on a bed of lemon thyme.

Vegetarian option there.

We recognise fish is justifiable
homicide, meat's murderous.

You're cooking them on that. Yeah.

Forget gas mark six or 450C,
the measurement is revs.

We recommend 3,000rpm
for about two hours, OK?

After two hours, I pulled one
of them in. Here it is.

Let's have a little look
how we're doing.

I think it's still a bit pink.
I'll add some seasoning

to see if we can mask the smell
of engine oil in there.

I'll send it back out again.
That's the best thing to do.

Get back on the track.
Or the rotisserie, as we call it.

We've worked it out that if you
were to set off from London
going to Leeds,

by the time you get near Sheffield,

lunch should be ready.

They were trundling round our track
for two hours and...

Is the Stig here?
We've allowed him in.

Can you bring the food over?
Here he is.

For the first time ever
in the studio, the Stig.

APPLAUSE

Now, why don't you sample
some of that salmon?

This was cooked on the engine?

Genuinely. All this food
was cooked on the engine of a car.

Tell me if it matches up
to motorway service cooking.

It certainly matches it.

LAUGHTER

That is slightly dry,
overcooked and...

Not worthy of three stars.
Two stars?

I wouldn't even give that... One
star? Not even one star. Oh, well.

Try a bit of lamb.

This was cooked on the Lada. Market
vegetables dressed in olive oil
and Mediterranean herbs.

That's your sort of food.

What do you think
of his sort of food?

I think Gordon is about to be sick!

You have some.

LAUGHTER

Have some sprouts.

Not even the vegetarian likes it!

That tastes of...petrol.
Castrol oily...

Yes, it was cooked on an engine,
that's why.

The lamb, sadly, is overcooked.
So 2,000 revs for two hours
is too long!

That's the problem.
We cooked it on a four-speed car.

Make sure it's a five-speed
if you cook lamb.

OK. Who would like to see
Gordon's lap?

AUDIENCE CHEER

Yes! Let's play it.

TYRES SCREECH

That's the most aggressive start
we've seen all series.

Come on, you, concentrate.

I could have sworn I just saw
a traffic warden!

That's the point, there are none.
Let's see how tight you are.
Look at that precision driving!

That is precision driving, mate.

Woah!

That's about 85 through there!
Break at 100 and turn.

Turn gently.

Too early BLEEP.

That's where most celebs come off.

You're across the line and...

Gordon...

Gordon R.

These are the sort of times
you're looking for.

It was a dry day so you
should be near the top.

One minute, 50 seconds.
Same as me, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

That's an epic time.

An epic time. I'm not going to put
you above me. Alphabetical order.

Alphabetical order
and, yes, G comes after J.

On there, it does. Gordon Ramsay,
it's been a riot having you here.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

That's enough about food. Let's see
how the Jag's diet's getting along.

Over the next three hours,
the Cornish crew stripped every
piece of excess fat from our XJS.

Out came the spare wheel,
back seats and bumpers.

No pain, no gain, as they say,
but Jag fan Jason wasn't happy.

No. Oh, mate, this is sacrilege.

That's the electric window motor.

The headlamp wiper motor.
All adds up.

Everything has been weighed
and it's all made a nice big pile.

They took off the rear bumper -
20kg -

passenger seat - another 16kg -

even the speakers - six kilos each.

And the ashtray was 0.27 of a kilo,

but every bit counts
and it's come to a total of 223kg.

That'll make a difference back out

on the track. But you've ruined it.

It was lovely.
It's rugged and manly now.

Let's see
what the Stig makes of it.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

TYRES SCREECH

Let's recap. Before our Jag dieted,

we tested it -
0-60, it did, in 8.6 seconds.

We took out
a fifth of a tonne of stuff

and we lost so much. Everything.

We took out the seats,
took off the bumpers...

Nothing's left. It's just a shell.

Then we tested it again. 0-60 time
came down to 7.4 seconds -

That's 1.2 seconds better.
No more power, just less weight.

If you think that's quick. How much
time do you think we saved?

ALL GUESS NUMBERS

Five seconds.

This car was five seconds quicker
afterwards.

That is a lot,
so we have proved the point,

but weight is the enemy not just of
performance, but of economy, too.

You waste fuel just lugging it
around. It costs money.

So light is good and light works.

Insider trading news.
A few days left till year's end,

but there's still deals out there.
One grabbed me this week. 4x4s.

Nissan do the Xterra and they still
do the Terrano. It's all right.
It's OK.

2.7 diesel.
That's normally £20,000

but at £15,500,
it's a bargain. £4,500 off it.

Nothing wrong with it. Brand new.

Toyota Avensis. You're a fan.
Oh, God! It's foul!

You've got a problem. Disgraceful!

It's not the best car in the world,
but... It should have a taxi light.

Listen. Second hand, they are
very good news. I should hope so.

Three-year-olds fetch over book.

There's a new one out
early next year.

What will happen, the old stock,

the dealers will discount them,

so if you're a person who keeps
a car for four, five, six years...

I wouldn't keep an Avensis
for five days!

You can buy one, get a discount.

It won't go wrong - it's a Toyota.

That's true.
And it will hold its value.

Will it? Yes, good car to buy.

If you buy a new car, you expect
to lose money on it. Yeah.

Except this year the Mini. Yeah.
Run it 12 months and make a profit.

There's two or three cars next year
that'll be the same.

Number one. BMW Z4. Nice car.
Buy one, run it for 6-12 months.

You'll get your money back
or make a profit.

Just cos they're hard to find?

Demand will outstrip supply as it

always does, so that's a good one.

Secondly, the VW Beetle Cabriolet.

What's wrong with you?! The
Beetle's not everyone's cup of tea.

The Cabriolet will lift the brand.

It'll hold its value fantastically

and may make a profit. And
the third one is the Nissan 350Z.

At £22,000, it's excellent value.

People will be queuing up
for that car.

I think you'll make a profit on it.

For more information,
just visit the website.

Since this show
has a family-car flavour,

we thought we'd catch up
with all that's new and exciting
in the world of the hot hatchback.

I've always been a hot hatch fan

because they were cheap, simple
and you got two cars in one.

They were as practical
as normal hatchbacks -

useful for the school run -

but you could drive home in them
like your trousers were on fire.

JUNGLE MUSIC

Recently, however, things have got
muddy and complicated.

This Volkswagen Golf R32
cost £22,000, so it's not cheap

and it's not simple either.

Quite apart from the safey and
emissions stuff all cars have now,

I've got traction control, CD
changer control and heated seats,

which are haemorrhoid control.

All very nice,
but luxuries like this add weight,

so much that this car weights twice
as much as the original Golf GTI

from 25 years ago.

So to move at anything more than

a trot, it needed twice the engine

and that's what it's got.
The original had 1.6 litres.

This has 3.2.

The original developed 110bhp, this
develops more than twice that -

240bhp.

Because it has twice the engine
and weight,

that led to another problem -
it needed twice as much grip,

so the original was front-wheel
drive, this...is four-wheel drive.

You think
I'll say it's twice the car.

Well, it's twice as substantial,

twice as luxurious and well made,

twice as quiet, and bearing in mind
the original had no power steering,

it's twice as easy to drive.

But it doesn't have the spirit
of the original Golf.

It's less fun somehow.

Like the new Mini, it's
a better car than the original,
but not as important.

As a historical monument, then,
it's thrashed,

but as a 21st-century flying
machine, how does it stack up?

In this market, in the blue corner,
you have the Ford Focus RS.

In the red corner,
the Honda Civic Type R.

And in the yellow corner,
the SEAT Leon Cupra R.

This is a world of fat tyres
and aluminium add-ons,

where the show matches the go.

The Golf tries to compete.

It has two exhausts, for instance,
lowered suspension and big wheels,

but it looks like the nominated
driver at a New Year's Eve party.

It's sober and restrained

in a rainbow whirl
of streamers and noise.

Sure, the R32 is very, very fast.

0-60 takes six seconds.

The top speed is 153.

But I suspect it's more
of a long-distance cruiser

than a B-road barnstormer.

The engine doesn't like
to be revved

and the gearbox doesn't like to be
rushed, neither does the steering.

If you're quick with the wheel,
you can beat the power assistance.

It all suddenly gets very heavy
which is weird.

And those of you
of a tail slide disposition

are going to be disappointed
as it won't play ball.

TYRES SCREECH

I don't know, it's not brutal
like the Ford.

It's very soft actually,
very forgiving.

Think of it more as a long-term
companion than a one-night stand.

So, there we are.

The oldest hot hatch of them all
is acting its age.

I feel I've grown up with the Golf.

I was 17 when the Golf GTI came out.
We've matured together.

Now we're... Fatter? Yes, but wiser.

A wise head on a fat body.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

How does it compare
with the Ford Focus RS?

Well, we're men so we have
to quantify that. Engage Stig drive.

The Ford Focus RS came here and was
four seconds faster round the track

than the Subaru Impreza
and here it is again,

blitzing the track.

What's the time?
One minute and 32 seconds.

How does the Golf compare?
Four-wheel...

MUSIC IN CAR: "Last
Christmas" by Wham

He's managing to promote his CD.
What's he listening to?

It's Wham.

Will the combination of the
four-wheel drive and the... Oh...

Will the four-wheel drive and
the power match the Ford's front?
Crosses the line...

in one minute, 33 seconds. That's
only one second behind the Ford!

It's still three seconds quicker
than an Impreza. An astonishing car.

That Ford is incredible
but you did have reservations.

The thing that makes it incredible
on a track, its front differential,
makes it useless on a road.

This, yes, it's a second slower
on a track, big deal,

but on the road
it's so much more civilised.

We are getting towards
the end of the series.

The Westfield XTR is still at the
top of the tree as the quickest car
to get round our test track.

But it's under threat. First of

all, from this, the Radical SR3.

Like the Westfield,
it's got a 1.3l bike engine

but in the Radical,
it's more powerful.

Then we heard from this guy, Tom.

He said, "I've got something that
can thrash anything on the track."

Most of the challenges we get are
rubbish. But he may have a point.

OK, so here's the Stig,
warming up the Radical.

This is what he'll be racing.

It's a super-light, super-fast,
aerobatic plane.

Tom, the challenger,
is the British aerobatic champion.

I'll be the go-between.

Here's the opposition,
it's a Radical SR3.

It's powered by a bike engine,
1300cc. It puts out about 200bhp...

Your plane has... 300.
This only weighs 500kg.

But your plane only weighs 600kg.
So they're quite evenly matched.

Top speed here about 150mph.
Your plane? 200.

The plane will be faster along the
straights but not on the corners.

A plane has a big turning circle
and our track is very tight.

Tom's will have to climb violently
and throttle back to lose speed.

This here, I'll have to climb to
lose speed to get back down here.

I'll cover more distance.

Round here, I'll be drifting wider.

But you can stay close
to the track? I think so.

Will it work? We'll see.
Done it before? No.

The Radical can hit 60mph in 3.5
seconds and 100 in 8.8 seconds.

So it has the edge from the start.

It carries that lead
into the first corner.

Tom must start climbing now.

He'll have to throttle back
to make it round the first bend.

That Radical can generate two G
in the corners.

The plane can manage 9.2.

He catches up on the straights
but then he has to climb again!

That means that Stig is ahead.

Both of them pushing these things
as far as they're going to go.

Every time he gets near the Stig,
he's got to climb for the corner.

It's hard work on the ground

but it's nothing to what
Tom is having to do again.

We're on the final straight.

Tom should be able to...
Yes, he's passed the Stig!

Not for long, it's not the final
corner, there are two more bends.

Stig could get ahead. The plane
has to climb so high to lose speed.

Will Stig get over the line first
or will Tom swoop down on him?

And he's swooped and he's won!
Stig comes second.

How cool! Tom's my new hero,
definitely. That was very cool.

Hang on a second, it was a plane.
We specify everything on the board
has to be road legal.

If you took that plane to the shops,
the police would stop you.
It has no indicators and no brakes!

It has wings. You couldn't park it,
you'd just cause a menace.

What matters here is the Radical.
How did it do?

Here's the Westfield XTR, 1.23.
Where's it going to go?

Faster? Higher?

AUDIENCE MURMURS

1.22? I'll tell you what it is.

One minute, 19 seconds!

But next week, the Germans are
coming here with a couple of cars

that they think will
beat the Radical.

We'll have a laugh... I mean, we'll
see in a fair way how they get on.

We'll also be naming
our Car Of The Year.

And our quest
for Britain's fastest faith.

The Church Of England has the title
but will the druid beat the Muslim?

Will the Rastafarian win through?

Find out next week. We'll see you
then. Have a happy Christmas!

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2002

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk