Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear:

A knight in our reasonably-priced car.

Maserati's new coupe takes on our track.

And lock up your door mirrors -

we set out to find

Britain's fastest white-van driver.

But first, an apology I'm afraid.

Last week, we did a show mostly about the environment

and I think I may have messed it up.

I inadvertently said I was going to kick a barn owl to death.

You were going to kick it to death for fun. So, can we clear this up.

If you're on a tree branch and an

owl is in your way, don't kick it.

Just don't. We've let ourselves down and, I feel, the barn owls.

Exactly. That was our attempt to be green - we mucked it up.

So this week we're going to be scarlet.

CROWD CHEER

So that's why we have a BMW M5 in the Top Gear base.

Four-door saloon car, 400 brake horsepower under the bonnet.

A lot of you will have no idea what 400bhp actually is.

So I've come up with this graph to explain it.

There's the power and here is the number of double-decker buses.

As an example, Nelson's Column - ten double-deckers buses.

Big Ben - 30 double-decker buses.

And here we are, here's 400bhp up to about here -

40 double-decker buses.

If you were to spread 400bhp on the ground to a depth of six inches,

it would cover an area the size of Belgium.

CROWD TITTER

BMW isn't the only car maker to be putting so much Belgium under the bonnet - look.

It's the Jaguar S-Type R,

now available with a 4.2 litre supercharged V8 engine and 400hp.

Wonderful car. Jaguar must be very pleased to have, finally,

after all these years, caught up with BMW.

But now Audi has come along and moved the goal posts.

They've taken the ordinary, rather antiseptic body from an A6

and fitted it with a twin turbo,

4.2 litre V8,

which develops an almost unbelievable 450bhp.

That's the same sort of area as Portugal.

You could fit St Paul's Cathedral in 450bhp

seven times over - seven!

So, it's more powerful than an M5 and it's more obvious too.

With all the chicken wire at the front and the flared wheel arches,

this thing means business.

0-60 takes less than...

I don't know - no seconds.

The top speed's limited to 155mph

to keep the German Green Party happy.

But the other day, I was driving it on our test track and I saw 175mph on the speedo.

I reckon, on a long track, it could go at 200.

God, it's fast!

So much power!

The RS6 comes as a saloon or as an estate,

both for around £58,000 - that's £5,000 more than a BMW M5,

but this, I think, is one of the best-made cars on the road today.

A lot of the rock aristocracy drive these - Kenny Jones, Mitch Mitchell.

They make their fortune and then want something quiet and restrained.

But like with the unplugged albums, they can't resist having 42 lasers

and an inflatable pig.

"I want the Audi restrained, but, oooh, look at those wheel arches, the big grille and big fat tyres!"

This is rock star country.

They all end up here when album 14 goes double platinum, with a sprinkling of myrrh.

This, for instance, is Gordon Sting's back garden,

or Wiltshire, as we call it.

Except, this bit, which his accountant nicked.

Everyone down here is in a band.

And that makes pulling over and asking for directions a rare treat.

Excuse me? Excuse me.

Could you tell me the way to Steve Winwood's house? Yes.

Up here, till you get to Van Morrison's,

then left up to Sting's trout lake,

around that,

and at the T-junction by Peter Gabriel's you make a left. Brilliant.

What band are you in? Pink Floyd. You're the drummer, aren't you?

Do you have an Audi? A few. One of these? Coming at Christmas. Thanks.

I don't blame the rock dinosaurs for choosing the Audi.

It's not just a well-made but out-of-control volcano. The power is harnessed

by a quattro four-wheel drive system, and they've firmed up the suspension a bit.

No, wrong, Jeremy. Not a bit, it's a lot.

I could live with a hard ride - a good job, as I couldn't live without the looks and power.

This car's a stairway to heaven,

a bohemian rhapsody.

But unfortunately for the Audi, that's not the end of the story.

It's easily better than the BMW M5 and the Jaguar S-Type R.

But Mercedes... They've gone berserk!

Welcome to the E55, welcome to the door of 500bhp.

Now, I'm not a fan of the E Class styling. It looks like a Honda.

And I'm not a fan of Mercedes' service and customer care either.

I am, however, a huge fan of this 5.5 litre supercharged V8 engine.

It's the same engine they put in the SL and in that it sounds like...

a jet fighter, and a NASCAR and thunder.

They've quietened it down in this, but the power is still here.

If you don't mind doing seven miles to the gallon,

this thing absolutely flies.

ENGINE ROARS

HE CHUCKLES GLEEFULLY

It's £3,000 more than the Audi, but you get more.

In a straight line it's even faster.

A word of warning -

in some ways this car reminds me of the Euro fighter which can't fly

without on-board computers always adjusting the control surfaces.

It doesn't have four-wheel drive, remember.

I don't think you could drive it on a day like today -

raining, wet leaves - without the traction control.

You can feel it going de-de-de, de-de-de.

Even the tiniest dab of the throttle...and the light comes on,

telling me that machinery has just kept me out of the ditch.

You are right on the edge - 500 horsepower.

That's as far as you can go.

So, this or the Audi?

Same level of build quality, same size, same interior, ambience...

It's a difficult choice.

But if the Audi is Keith Moon, wild and flamboyant,

then the Mercedes is Charlie Watts, quiet and unassuming.

Me..? I was always a fan of The Who. I, therefore, take the Audi.

Was that really the drummer from Pink Floyd? Yeah, Nick Mason, on his way to Roger Daltrey's. Wow.

So, which was the quickest on the track?

In the dry, I think it would be the Mercedes.

But, of course, inevitably, it was raining, so the Audi -

four-wheel drive - 2.5 seconds faster.

Really? 1.33 - same as the SL or the MSX.

That is a very, very quick car, all the time. Amazing.

The thing is, with this power trip the Germans are currently engaged on - BMW 400,

Audi at 450 and Mercedes at 476 -

we've got this graph to see where that's going. Here we are in 2002,

400bhp, if you follow that through, by the year 2008,

we're at 1,000,000,000 brake horsepower.

Wow!

And this is the distance from here to the moon.

This week's show is all about drivers' cars.

Is it possible to turn anything at all into a driver's car?

To investigate, we found a bloke who owns a Lada and we nicked it.

This is the Lotus headquarters in Hethel, Norfolk.

And this is Paul Sherwood's 1.5E Lada,

six years old and worth about 200 quid.

Taking on Mission Ridiculous is Chris Arnold, general manager of Lotus Sport and Performance.

So this is it? Yep, this is my Lada. My word.

How long have you had it? Just under a year.

Once Ladas are in the blood, you can't get rid of them. They're good.

I was going to talk about aerodynamics, but it's fairly boxy.

There's the blackness that is a Lada interior. It's fairly dingy.

The old steering wheel, again, is perhaps not very fashionable.

You can abuse them, hurl bricks at them - they're solid, rugged cars.

There's your bog-standard Lada 1,500 unit.

Ah. I think it's a Russian tractor engine!

I don't think it's worthwhile doing much with this.

I'd like to rip it out and put a new one in. Always willing to help,

we spent £200 and bought him another engine.

I'm worried they'll do something hideous to it, I really am.

Oh, my God, what on earth's he doing?!

To assess the scale of the task on ride and handling, Lotus let loose their top man, Gavin Kershaw.

This has to be the worst car I've ever driven.

It's not every day Russell Carr and his team get their hands on a Lada.

If we get the ride height right it'll give the car a stronger stance.

Get the wheel-to-body relationship correct. £500 of carbon fibre there, that's worth more than the car!

Colour - that's debatable.

Black will lose some of the dodgy detailing we've got.

It'll clean the surface - could be quite nice.

Rip the bumper off and see what it looks like.

Maybe we can blend these together.

Ditch the centre console.

Maybe the parcel tray. Put an aluminium wrap underneath.

Maybe put some silver detailing on it so it has a sporty feel.

The owner was actually worried you guys would spoil its look.

Well...

We hope we don't prove him wrong!

It's a tough job, but if anyone can do it, it's the Lotus boys.

They can make Vauxhalls handle and Protons.

We'll see how they do later. First, the news.

Absolutely, and we'll start with a story about parking.

Rio Ferdinand, who apparently is a footballist...

Who does he play for? Man United. Ah, that's how he can afford an Aston Martin Vanquish!

He has to pay a £40 fine for not parking it within a box which

wasn't wide enough for the car.

Shouldn't the box be wide enough for a car?

I got a ticket the other day, I kid you not, for being parked badly.

Since when is it like ice-skating?

"No, it's not well parked." Only three from the Nigerian judge.

LAUGHTER

And it should be like carrot and stick. If they think you've parked well they should commend you.

Maybe give you a rosette. Or book tokens.

That'd be nice! While we're on the subject,

we nail this programme together in the middle of London.

There's a car park next door. Two hours - £9.

So for two hours, five minutes - 18 quid.

I went to Oxford, parked on double

yellows right where I wanted to be,

took the kids for lunch, saw James Bond, got back five hours later -

20 quid parking ticket.

That's pretty reasonable.

You invented valet park, didn't you? I did.

I used to live in Fulham, right next to the car pound.

You could drive up to the West End, have a few drinks, leave the car.

Wake up in the morning, they'd towed it home for you.

It was pricey, but kinda worth it. Right, news from Citroen.

The Berlingo Multispace. We all agreed it looked a fantastic car -

great family car, car-like ride,

but best of all, cheap.

This is the new one. It's more a facelift, but it looks prettier.

But the really important thing is it's still prettier. Yes, prettier is relative.

If you tapped Ann Widdecombe's face with a hammer - She'd be prettier.

That's about the same as that. It's prettier. It's prettIER.

But, looks aside, you get all that package and it's cheap.

They're doing a VAT-back deal which makes it about eight grand.

That's a lot of car for that. I know.

Astra. We've all been waiting for it.

Hot Astra - 200 brake horsepower, OK,

but £16,500 - £3,500 cheaper than

the RS Focus, nearly as much power.

The thing I can't work out...

TITTERING

I know. But in the old days, 200bhp was a really quick car.

0-60, only seven seconds. Which is quick -

It's a Vauxhall, you idiots!

All right. Nobody's going to buy one in the end.

The Audi TT. It was agreed on your coolboard, without asking anyone,

that the TT had been cool and kind of slipped -

Let's ask. Is the TT cool? Hands up.

Hands up if it's uncool. There you go.

They've obviously listened to the coolboard.

They've put a bigger engine in, a V6 3.2 litre - about 240bhp.

It's the R32 engine, to cool it up. But... 240bhp is 225 anyway,

so it's 15bhp more. You've got a

heavier engine... It will be, yeah.

But here's the exciting stuff. It has...

a very exciting gearbox.

It's called DSG. It's not one of those stupid F1 things, is it?

I didn't know. I rang Audi for some info and here it is.

It's great because it explains it.

"The control logic integrated into the transmission casing maintains

optimum gear-shift strategies..."

No, you're not reading... Don't rush it.

You were reading that bit? Yeah. It's the way you read it, OK?

DECLAIMS: "As on normal gearboxes,

"transmission radios are present on input and auxiliary shafts

"in the form of toothed wheels.

"Unlike conventional gearboxes, the input shaft divides into two parts.

"It comprises an outer shaft..." Oh, look. Any engineers here?

Is there anyone here with the first grasp of engineering?

You have? I'm gonna give you this.

By the end of the news, I want to understand that gearbox.

We have no clue. Don't buy it because the gearbox doesn't work.

I'd love to ring a dealer up about the gearbox. "Dunno, mate."

Semi-automatic or manual?

BRUMMIE ACCENT: It's witchcraft.

One thing we have worked out... Seriously, we've been with it all week.

It says that it's got two clutches and that it's able to tell...

It has the next gear ready, ready for you. So if you're in third,

how can it tell what you want next?

It might think you'll want fourth

to go faster. "I'm having second."

Last week, we set out to find Britain's fastest faith.

This week, we are searching for Britain's fastest white-van driver.

We asked for applicants a few weeks ago and this is how many we got.

Now, we weeded out the psychotics and we were left with five.

And here they are. And starting at this end, we have...

I'm Don from Kent. And you drive a...

Ford Escort. Colour? White.

What do you listen to in it? Steely Dan. Steely Dan?

Are you a fan of Pretzel Logic? Goucho.

I'm more of a Ricky, Don't Lose That Number. Well, I like 'em all.

I hope you win. Sorry, guys. I like Steely Dan.

You presumably like Bon Jovi. Yes. How do you know? I can tell.

You haven't shaved. What would

your mother say? What do you drive?

My pride and joy. Nissan vanette?

You are a... Heating engineer. A plumber.

And you are... John Wattrip. You listen to...

Tom Jones. Tom Jones?

You work for the Royal Mail, so you're slightly psychopathic.

What do you drive? Leyland DAF vans. OK.

I'm Dale Miller. You work for NTL, who dig up roads, make our lives a misery.

What do you drive? Peugeot Expert.

What a stupid name?

And you are? Steve Hogan from Amersham.

You work for? Iceland. You listen to? The Bee Gees. The Bee Gees...

I'm with Don.

They've already been out. We'll see how they got on later.

Yeah. Right, back in the 1980s,

the most fun you could have was in a supermini.

You could go berserk without

going so fast you got into trouble.

Since then, superminis have got bigger, heavier and faster,

but what if you still just want something that's fun to drive?

Are you stuck? Let's find out.

In 2001, one in three new cars was a supermini. They're everywhere.

We chose the mid-range, 1.4-litre versions of each car to keep it real.

The first of them is the middest

range of all - the Ford Fiesta.

It's a typical Ford, so you have all the kit you need

but it's all slotted into one of

the ugliest dashes I've ever seen.

That's nasty. It does fare well on the drive.

It's not, you know, scintillating, but it really isn't bad.

It's close to that nippy-little-car feel we're after.

The old Fiesta drove well, too, but had absolutely no rear seat space.

They've solved that and now there is...some.

For £9,995, you do get

air-conditioning but not much else.

But it's big problem is it's just so dull inside and out.

Park it somewhere obvious or you might forget you bought it.

Ford have moved the small-car market on not one inch.

They've just put right the problems with the old one.

This Citroen C3 looks promising.

Spiritual successor to the 2CV, it's far funkier than the Fiesta,

which is a surprise from Citroen,

who have in recent years churned out cars blander

than chicken in a white sauce.

It's light, airy and happy in here.

Like a lot of French cars, although flimsy,

once all the bits of trim have dropped off after a week,

the rest of the car will probably go forever.

On the way, you'll enjoy a smooth ride,

if not a fast one.

Its cutesy touches do nothing clever, but it has lots of storage.

An air vent is still an air vent

and a door handle really only opens doors.

But its got its own cute personality.

So the C3's cute, but not clever.

For that, look at the brainier Honda Jazz.

It's a hit, flying out of showrooms faster than dealers get them in.

If any car sums up what people want from superminis now, it's this.

It really does feel massive in here for what is still a small car

It's every inch the little tiny mini MPV.

But you do get the downsides of an MPV, because it's one big box.

It's very boomy. Noise reverberates inside.

To drive, it just feels top-heavy,

not poised. It's the price you pay.

You can't have MPV qualities and the attributes of a nippy car.

But it really falls down on price.

You'll pay £10,300 for a mid-range model

and still have to pay extra for a CD player or alloy wheels.

But where the Jazz goes for big-car space,

the selling point of the

funky new Nissan Micra is gadgets -

some you don't even need.

How sad are you that you need your car to wish you happy birthday?

I'd prefer to have friends.

It's built in Sunderland, Europe's most quality-obsessed car plant.

For the same money as a Jazz, you get a fully loaded Micra.

You get alloys, a CD player and that big-car toy, keyless ignition.

And I haven't finished yet.

The windscreen wipers come on automatically when it rains.

We've got parking sensors for when you reverse into the car behind.

I've got stereo controls on the wheel, proper climate control,

not just air conditioning - climate control.

It is refined, but even though it is the epitome of today's superminis,

if you're yearning for that 1980s' small-car fizz and crackle,

you'll have to look elsewhere.

The MG ZR - spoilers, spotlights, garish paint. Fantastic.

It's 1983. True, it's as subtle as Brigitte Bardot in a basque,

but you can't help looking, can you?

# I got something to say to you

# I wanna say that my love is true

# I wanna say that if you need me

# Just try to, honey, that I need you... #

This is far closer to the original feel of little cars.

No apologies or compromises and it's all the better for it.

Remember, we haven't gone for the top-spec versions of these cars,

so this is the basic 1.4-engine ZR

and, still, it feels a bit special.

10 grand buys a ZR 105, with 105 brake horsepower.

That's at least 20bhp more

than anything else we've looked at.

It is amazingly dated in here.

There's been no effort to make it look, well, anything really.

It's really quite unpleasant,

but that isn't putting me off,

because once you pull away, all that work on the suspension means

you can just feel it's that bit more purposeful.

OK, it's a Rover 200 underneath,

but it does deserve its MG badge.

Do you know what I mean? You can feel what's going on underneath,

but it shakes no body parts off.

And it loves corners. It really does.

This is a fun car.

Ugly, but great fun.

# Oh, lovin' me... #

So for a practical car... The Jazz. The producer's just bought one.

A practical man. In this colour.

And if you want a sporty car... The MG ZR.

It was two seconds faster than all the others. Two seconds?

OK, it is based on an old Rover 200,

which is based on a brontosaurus,

but it's such a good driver's car, it's the one to go for.

The point is if MG can do that with a Rover,

what about Lotus with the Lada?

With two weeks to turn Paul's Lada into something special,

Lotus threw all their expertise into finishing on time.

The shopping list includes new brakes,

and a hand-made exhaust system, special Lotus black paint

and hand-finished seats from the trim shop.

Remember that lump of rust in the workshop?

35 brake horsepower is now 180.

Two weeks after Paul left his baby at the workshop,

it was time to be reunited.

We'll stop here. Before we do anything else, have a listen to this.

ENGINE REVS

First, what is that? They took the exhaust off!

Take your blindfold off. Here we go. Strewth!

Blimey! What do you think? Excellent.

Let's look at it. Good God! It's thorough.

That's beautiful.

An absolute work of art.

You've met Chris. What do you say?

Thanks! I should think so!

Beautiful. There's 1,000 hours gone into this.

It's not just anybody - it's Lotus people.

It's gorgeous. Are you pleased? Really pleased.

Before, the alternator failed, the wheel trims fell off...

I was "What have we done?" But I knew we could make something of it.

Do you remember, we checked the engine for a Fiat twin-cam?

The Lada number was destroyed. That's better than the original

cacky lump. It's the same!

The Lotus guys brought in Guy,

a leading authority, ex-F1 engineer, knows what he's doing.

In fact, stay there while I get the book he wrote on it.

You've done a thorough job. Rob!

You are the lead technician. Yeah. You haven't stopped.

You know, you look dreadful! Get some sleep!

Don't think about it! Then Gav.

You met Gav. He drove your hunk of garbage.

He nearly killed it. It's time to take you out and scare you. Good luck.

MUSIC: "Dambuster's March"

Bloody hell! Ooh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Ha ha! It's different!

A hell of a lot different!

Now you need to watch for something called wheel spin. Power slide!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Third gear wheel spin!

I'd be too petrified to do that,

myself.

It's a beast!

ENGINE ROARS

Proof that any car can be converted into a decent driver's car -

given a ten-man team, a fortnight, and £100,000 -

what this would have cost if you went and asked Lotus yourself.

Paul - better look grateful. Very grateful. No, LOOK it.

LAUGHTER

More grateful.

Get on your knees.

LAUGHTER

Get on your stomach, on the floor. APPLAUSE

Every week we put a Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

This week, he's more than a star,

he's a knight. Sir Michael Gambon!

APPLAUSE

Hello. Have a seat.

This week is about drivers' cars. Oh.

Does that fit with you? Not really, as an actor.

I spend my life in West End traffic.

Go in the bus lanes. You can go fast!

I get had up.

You've got a Ferrari! It's not the right sort.

When I mention it - a 348...

That's a shocking one. Yeah! I don't care. I like it.

I've enjoyed you in several things over the years, but Longitude was

the most fantastic thing.

John Harrison, who invented the longitude at sea device.

Is there some of him in you? Fiddly. Yeah.

I have an engineering workshop

at home. I make things.

What sort of things? All sorts.

Anything. Clocks. Bits of machinery.

You fly as well? Yeah.

I'm not good at that.

Once I took an actor who was scared of flying.

I convinced him to get in my plane, to prove it was safe.

I said mine was similar to a jumbo.

LAUGHTER

Basically. But when I got over the Thames, heading north, I feigned a heart attack.

LAUGHTER

Something inside me likes to fool around.

I was bored. 2,000 feet, towards Ipswich, I went "urgh!"

LAUGHTER

I put the left rudder on for ten seconds.

Falling? I could see Tower Bridge.

You'd expect him to go mad. Yeah.

But he did nothing. Just sat there?

He just froze.

He'd rather crash? I apologised.

I can't tell you what he said.

Are you still friends? No, I don't see him any more!

LAUGHTER Remind me not to get in your plane.

When you're at the RSC, do you sit in the dressing room with a car magazine?

I've been at the Royal Court - serious theatre.

That's how to annoy people - sit with a car magazine.

With Dame Maggie Smith -

"Maggie, look at this 50-70 time!"

Yeah...they hate that.

She likes cars. Really? We must call her.

She can try her luck in the Suzuki!

Do you go to Hollywood much, see the stars? A bit.

I've done six US films. Christian

Slater took me out in his Beetle.

He's got a great trick - he gets on the PCH, the Pacific Coast Highway, flat out,

steers using the quarter lights...

What? Explain the logic.

There's no logic! If you sit on a handbrake... What car?

A Beetle. A Volkswagen Beetle?

Do they still have quarter lights? They don't make them any more.

He does this, and by moving the lights,

they act like aircraft rudders, and you can steer the car.

I'm sitting in the back of his Beetle.

He's in the middle, like a McLaren, doing this.

You're in a car with Christian Slater. How did the conversation crop up?

Did he say, "I've had an idea"? We were talking about fooling around.

You mentioned the heart attack.

Yes. "That would be a good one!"

We're not here to discuss what you've done.

You're here to try your hand in our Suzuki Liana. Don't!

You've seen these people have a go. Harry Enfield not in the ballpark at all.

He's way off. Was it wet or dry when you went out?

Very wet. Wet again. A wet lap.

Shall we see it?

No, don't. I'm afraid we're going to. Let's run the tape.

TYRES SCREECH

This is quite good. Oh, God.

You looked at the gears to change, like reading and moving your lips. Your career!

You do... I have to say, is this acting, or are you really..?

I didn't see that camera there!

You look scared.

Tyres! Oh!

You were close to the tyres. You're supposed to be!

That was beautifully... you're off it!

AUDIENCE GASPS AND APPLAUDS

You said, before we went out, you said,

"Can you roll it?" and I said, "No!"

I didn't mean that, but WOULD it roll.

Yes, plainly, on your evidence!

Was that scary? Very.

It was in the air. We should see it again.

Can we have it in slow motion?

You hit it!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Brilliant! Good car control. That was your timed lap.

What was my time? Shall we see?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Including that moment...

Did you hurt the car?

I've got the... The wing mirror came off!

You've damaged our reasonably priced car!

I was going to bring it in. Never mind. Michael Gambon...

there we are.

Wet. Another wet day.

You did it in one minute... where do you think?

No idea. One minute, 55 seconds!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Two seconds faster than Jonathan Ross on a dry track!

Oh.

The Stig, who took you out to show you where to go,

said you had the best appreciation of racing lines of anyone so far.

Ooh! He said most are young kids.

They're "uh-uh-uh". You were the old bull. Jackie Stewart.

He didn't say that, actually!

We should get Jackie Stewart on.

I thought Stig WAS him.

You thought the Stig was? Yes.

Not with that accent. Do you know who he is? The accent's fake.

I have no clue who the Stig is.

Maureen from Driving School?

LAUGHTER

Not by how he holds the power slides.

He talks in a French accent, but... He drove me in the RS6 and scared

the BEEP out of me.

I didn't know you could go so fast round corners. And sideways? Oh!

You looked out of the window. I felt sick.

It's been enormous fun having you here - Sir Michael Gambon!

This week's insider trader news is all about new cars.

2002 will be a record for new car registrations - 2.5 million sold.

80,000 more than 2001, and that was a record too.

There's pride at stake between

manufacturers - who sells the most.

Top will be Ford. Two, Vauxhall GM.

Three, Peugeot.

There's a fight for fourth between Renault and VW.

Volkswagen, desperate to get fourth place, have done a deal with their dealers.

They've given them Polos, Golfs,

Passats - some with a 30% discount.

That means a two-litre Passat S, which is normally £14,600,

you can buy it, it's on offer, for £11,995.

The Passat is a good car.

It's not overpriced usually.

It's about the same as a new Golf. £2,700 off.

They're out there to be had.

The Suzuki Liana started at £9,995.

Then dealers said, "No, £8,995!"

Then £7,995. This week, I had an e-mail from a dealer with a powder blue one -

air con, ABS, air bags - £7,495.

Is nobody buying it despite it being on TV?

That's a cheap car. Insanely reasonable.

Pre-registered cars. Manufacturers do it.

It's to bump registrations up. They register them in their name and sell them later.

It gets more numbers, part of the fourth place battle?

Yes. They appear to have sold more.

They go on to the market as used cars.

When you sell it, it has two owners on it.

It doesn't make a huge difference to the value.

This week, I was offered a Renault Scenic.

It's normally £12,500. It's 1. 4, air con, alloys.

It was offered to me for £9,000.

A useful family car for £9,000, no miles. Delivery mileage only.

And if you want to go cheaper?

1.4CL, 3-door, normally about £10,500,

pick one of those up, pre-registered for £7,995.

If you want to go really cheap -

last week, we had Ford Ka normally £6,500 for £4,995 - how about this?

Pre-registered Fiat Punto Mia, 1.2, 3-door, £4,995.

Now, in the 1940s and '50s, a Maserati was as exotic and unobtainable as a banana

or nylon.

It was as desirable as a banana in a nylon sock.

By the time I was old enough to notice, a Maserati was a broken down bi-turbo by the side of the M1.

Now, however, Maserati has been taken over by Ferrari.

They're supposed to be chic and tropical all over again.

This is the latest model. You've seen the coupe styling before. It's not very nice.

And the new rear lights don't help.

But...there's something else.

It's got a new engine.

4.2 litre V8 replaces the old 3.2 litre turbo.

That develops nearly 400 brake horse power.

And what good's that in this day and age? Nearly 400?

It's like being nearly 6ft tall.

Nearly winning the Lottery.

Then, we step inside past these elegant hinges

and this dainty welding to find that it is a proper four-seater.

And a clock like you'd give to Dave Brandt on his retirement.

Then, something Maserati calls Cambia Cosa.

We call it stupid, flappy, Formula 1 gearbox.

Great(!)

HE TURNS KEY

And it won't start. Why won't it start?

This stick's got to be in neutral.

Will you go into neutral now? The

foot's on the brake. There. Neutral.

Great gearboxes. Love 'em(!)

ENGINE STARTS

Oh, we go!

# I, I just took a ride

# In a silver machine

# And I'm still feeling mean

# Do you want to ride... #

There are, however, two good things about this gearbox.

It's exactly the same as you get in a Ferrari 575.

In the Ferrari, it costs £6,000.

In this, it's £3,000.

The other good thing is you can have a normal manual.

Which means your head doesn't get

shaken off every time you change up.

God, that's awful!

Got a bit of poke, though!

# ..I've got a silver machine

# I've got a silver machine

# I've got a silver machine.... #

I didn't care for the old engine, but this one... It's not bad.

To get the power onto the road, the Maserati comes with four settings

for the gearbox, seats, the lot.

Think of all those Italian electrics! Mmm!

And it has "sky-hook" suspension which can be tuned to suit your mood.

Sounds good. But it isn't.

Trouble is, when you push the sport button to tighten up the gearbox,

it goes from being a... I don't know ..a blancmange to being...

a marshmallow.

You don't drive this car so much as...hang on!

And woe betide anyone who thinks it's a good idea

to turn the traction control off.

This is our hammerhead corner and, oh dear,

made a bit of a monkey's breakfast of that.

So, I had another go.

And, oh dear.

Made a monkey's breakfast and then lost my temper.

I've never had such a problem going round this track,

oh, as I'm having in this.

This, then,

is not a sports car.

You're more likely to find a sports car on Monarch Of The Glen or Heartbeat

or some period drama.

Nick Berry's helmet - that's more sporty than this.

But then, perhaps, this isn't supposed to be a driver's car,

a rival for Porsche and Ferrari.

Perhaps it's a pasta and Bolognese alternative

to the roast beef and Yorkshire pudding that is Jaguar.

In which case, where's the opulence?

Why little school chairs instead of seats?

Where's the sense of well-being you get from a Jag XKR?

Know what this is?

It's a £61,000 Mr Nearly car stuck in a no-man's land

between the Jaguar rock and the Ferrari hard place.

So, it's no good, then? No.

All I hear from the audience is,

"It's horrid," "it's not very nice".

It's got plenty of space but if you want a comfortable cruiser buy a Jag or Merc SL.

If you want hardcore performance, Porsche, Ferrari.

You're better off with a DV7. Yeah.

But it does have one chance

to redeem itself. Stoke up the Stig.

It doesn't really matter how long it takes to get round.

He's already wasted 15 minutes setting the gearbox and suspension

to his Stiggy liking - that and choosing a CD!

# Her name was Lola She was a showgirl

# With yellow feathers in her hair... #

If he can get round the hammerhead without spinning

we might even let him sit by the fire on Christmas Day.

He's done it!

# ..ask for more at the Copa

# Copacabana... #

Power, now, and it's not lacking

in that department.

Up to a huge speed by the last two corners. Up to Gambon Bend.

And he's not gone sideways and he's across the line.

Brilliant driving but not a brilliant time.

One minute 38 seconds.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh.

Only just faster than the Bentley.

Earlier, we met our white-van men.

They've been struggling with the

Sun crossword and looking at girls.

They all reckon they're a bit handy behind the wheel.

What if there's no opportunity to rip anyone's door mirrors off?

They came in their own weapons of choice but, today, they weren't using them.

The fastest white-van man needs a special kind of white van.

The Ford world rally Transit ain't just a pretty paint job. It gives 200bhp.

It's got race-spec wheels, brakes, suspension and exhaust.

And just look at that. Even

the interior is proper racing stuff!

First up, John, from the Royal Mail.

Are you a big wuss or a white-van man?

Three, two, one...

Are Royal Mail drivers quick?

They are. Cut you up everywhere!

While Postman Pat was driving, I got a few nuggets of white-van man wisdom.

The worst in the world! Women drivers.

Next, Steve from Iceland. The firm, that is. Not the country.

BLEEP Took that in the wrong gear.

And yesterday he destroyed a police car.

Did he? Yeah. Backed into it. Wrote it off in his Iceland van.

INAUDIBLE

Is there a technique to van driving? Yeah. Put your foot down. Good.

It's handy to have dents in your van cos people get out the way.

And Steve was determined to add a few more.

Just bent the bracket.

'Next, Don. He'd got lost on the way down.'

It's that way. And then left.

Three, two, one... Go!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And, sure enough...

..he got lost again.

< He's gone wrong!

LAUGHTER

This way!

< Left, left. Go left... Ah!

< CHEERING!

He's done... You know.

He worked for that. He worked hard.

'Dale was the quiet one, happy

to let his driving do the talking.'

< You're supposed to let the clutch out!

At last, a full-on white-van man.

Silent, but deadly with the rev-count.

To finish, the classic 5:29pm on

a Friday return-to-base manoeuvre.

THE OTHERS JEER

He's done a wheel.

You're giving van drivers a bad name!

Roger, how are you feeling about this?

Very good. Get me going.

Three, two, one... Go!

Another vintage van man. Not fussed about someone else's tyres...

And not that fussed about road markings.

All in all, Roger's van man tactics set him up for a nice, quick lap.

That was good, wasn't it? Smooth. APPLAUSE

Right!

Right!

I have the results here. And in

fifth place - I was rooting for you.

You got lost!

LAUGHTER

You were useless!

Most people did it in around about two minutes, two minutes ten.

You took four minutes 55!

LAUGHTER

And as a result, we would like to present you

with a booby prize.

It's part of the door mirror that Michael Gambon knocked off the Suzuki Liana!

Don, there you are. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Right, the rest. In fourth place with two minutes and nine, John the postman.

Well done, John.

APPLAUSE

In third place, it's Roger the plumber... Heating engineer!

Plumber! Two minutes five seconds.

APPLAUSE

Then it gets close -

with two minutes and three seconds, Steve from Iceland.

APPLAUSE

And that means.

Jason, bring in the trophy. The winner is Dale from NTL,

two minutes two seconds.

Well done, Dale.

Well done. Next week, we're not here, as the whole of BBC Two is full of men playing billiards.

We're back the week after with a programme full of stuff about cars. Good night.

Subtitling by BBC Broadcast - 2002

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk