Original subtitles

Tonight - a rock star in our reasonably-priced car.

I learn how to drive a Lotus Elise properly.

And it's religious racing as we find the fastest faith.

So it's a riot of fun and games.

The theme tonight is the environment.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I know!

What we'll try to do is balance our love of the car with a need to be green.

That's why we put a camera over the M4 bus lane,

to try and work out what it's for.

The Government must have worked out

there was a need for it.

You wouldn't put all the cars in two lanes. That'd be the work of a madman.

Unless there were lots of buses.

We're gonna play this throughout the show.

If anyone sees a bus, do shout out, OK?

Feel free. Yeah. OK.

Well, while we're waiting... Bus. What? Bus.

There is something coming, and it's a...

That's not a bus. It's an ambulance.

False alarm.

Panic down. While we are waiting, this is the new Saab 93.

It's a competitor for the Audi A4 and the BMW 3 Series.

But because it's Swedish,

it's that bit more cuddly and friendly than its German competitors.

It's the perfect car in tonight's Top Gear.

There'll be no nonsense.

I'll drive this in an eco-friendly manner.

MUSIC: "The Flower Duet" by Delibes

This T model has 175 horsepower

and does 0 to 60 in 8.5 seconds.

But don't worry.

I'm following the Government's guidelines on commuting in an eco-friendly manner.

We should, I quote, "steady our speed."

They suggest 50mph as being the most economical. It probably is.

Righty-ho. 50mph it is.

# I kept my feet on the ground... #

It's not bad at 50mph.

It's a firm ride, but sportily so.

That's not economical! He's going quickly.

It shares bits with the Vectra.

They have their own engines in and their own suspension setup.

It's not the sharpest feeling bit of kit,

but you do get a solid, premium car feel.

That's what it's got to be to compete with Audi, BMW and Mercedes.

It has a two litre engine and a light pressure turbo.

A very light pressure. It's hardly there.

Over about 3,500 revs it goes... (HE BLOWS) That's it.

I want great big, stonking, huge, heavy-handed turbos.

But then it would be very uneconomical,

and against our guidelines.

Obviously, it's capable of far, far more.

We can do speeds... Well, it can do 60. But that would be crazy.

If you are going to let rip and explore speeds beyond 60,

do it before you get to that invention,

the bus lane.

Here we go. Bus lane.

Apparently, as many as two buses an hour come along here.

That's worth cordoning off 50% of road space(!)

Great thinking!

At a time when BMW have introduced their iDrive on the 7 series,

where you get one big knob on the console to control everything,

here we've got an old approach.

We've got a button or dial for everything.

I've counted 98 separate controls in this car. 98!

They give you control over an impressive array of toys -

air conditioning, cruise control and CD player.

But our guidelines

have something to say on that matter.

All onboard electrical devices shouldn't be used unless necessary.

They waste precious fuel.

Unfortunately, handy though all that is,

I'm gonna make sure we don't use it, and stay friendly.

That's what the Government tell us. That should do it.

Shame, really. I'd have loved the air con. It's getting muggy in here.

In fact, it's pretty good value for money.

At £21,500, it's over £2,000 cheaper than the nearest Mercedes or BMW.

You can dream of the money saved while you're stuck at the lights.

And stationary.

I've followed the guidelines. I've switched my engine off. Lovely.

There's a rumour that the Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone,

is rigging traffic lights to cause disruption,

so people are more accepting of congestion charges.

Then he can change the lights so everything moves. Cheers, Ken!

HORN BLARES

Lights are changing! I've started pulling forward... They've changed!

That was my eight-second launch window!

It's only a rumour, and his people deny it.

They say lights have changed to ease congestion in the case of roadworks.

But that's everywhere ALL the time!

They also deny that it is causing traffic chaos.

What's this, then?

They say we find alternative routes.

Where? In the sky?

Two minutes red. Eight seconds green. Nice.

We can sit here at the traffic lights

while our life ebbs...

slowly...away....

Well done! No whales were harmed in the making of that item,

but you forgot to tell us about the car! I missed that out.

That's a coach. A bus is smelly and full of old ladies going to the post office.

LAUGHTER

That's taking businessmen from Heathrow to London.

The car's a bit bland.

Saabs were quirky with wraparound windscreens and big slabs of dash. Now, it's just a car.

It's got a clever engine. Very. If you drive through very polluted cities like Denver or LA...

Birmingham. Yeah. Birmingham.

The stuff coming out of the exhaust is less toxic than what goes in!

Really? The catalytic converter

on a light-pressure turbo is so clever and efficient

that all the muck from old cars gets taken out.

So, basically if you turn this car's engine off at the lights,

you're harming the environment? It's weird but strangely true.

Government guidelines don't work? No. I was lucky not to get punched by a van driver at the lights.

Which you missed! With eight seconds of green and two minutes of red you

are like a sniper waiting for a shot.

LAUGHTER

Let's forget HOW to drive and concentrate on WHAT to drive.

We'll be doing that later on after the news.

News from Daihatsu on the new Copen which stands for coupe that opens.

It's the car of the future. Remember we talked about the Smart Roadster?

Yes. This is a little 660c turbo-charged engine,

folding roof like the SLK...

The only problem is they might be £14 grand imported.

14? And the Smart was... Starting at 12.

It's two grand too much though they mightn't import it. I wouldn't bother!

Sorted that one.

Last week there was an issue about Jeremy's Mercedes SL55 AMG. Which you stole.

We kind of did.

Do you know what's really funny? We've had hundreds of e-mails

saying that the car driven round the track by The Stig wasn't mine!

The thing was, when I drove it in the road test

I changed my plates. I put SL55 AMG on so no-one knows my numberplate.

Did you bother?

No! Not really.

So you did steal it? Pretty much. But there's more news here.

This won't cheer you up because there's a better one.

Brabus, the German tuning house, have brought out the K8

with 75bhp. Ooh! Even more than before.

It's tricked up with great wheels. It's a big, mean car.

Is that gay? Oh, no! Who thinks it's gay?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

What's it gonna cost?

Makes no difference. It's gay!

LAUGHTER

What about safety? People think all cars are the same,

and have to pass the same tests, but they're not.

There's an organisation called Euro NCAP and they test and grade cars.

They're independent.

They give 1-5 stars and the only cars that had five

were the Renault Laguna and the Mercedes C Class.

They've tested 18 more and four now have five stars.

They are - it's important to know -

the Mercedes E class, the Renault Vel Satis,

the Renault Megane - five stars for a Megane!

And the Saab 93 which you drove.

That's good! Not only does it clean the air... It's not just the air...

It'll suck up rabid bats!

Clean them up, shoot them out nice and fluffy with no rabies! Lovely!

If you look at those cars you wouldn't necessarily think...

You wouldn't think a Megane is as safe as an S Class.

They test for pedestrian safety and they all do badly or very badly.

Or in the case of the Suzuki Grand Vitara - appallingly. No stars!

If you're in the middle of a dual carriageway with two cars coming,

and you're going to be run over, if one's a Vitara, go for the other!

LAUGHTER

Just being serious, if I may for a moment,

because I never worried about safety until I had kids.

NCAP put child seats in the back and test 18-month-old babies and three-year-old children

to see if they survive if you have an accident.

Most of the cars tested have done very well

but the one they've said is very

good is the Subaru Legacy Outback.

That's not an obvious choice, is it?

No. If you wanted to put children somewhere safe, you'd go Volvo or Mercedes,

but that is actually singled out

in child seats as being very, very good in side and frontal impacts.

There we are. Have you seen about

transport minister Alistair Darling?

He's been saying that we need a "hole tsar."

A what? Because of all the holes in the road...

I think it was in London on the Strand 160 holes? In 12 months, yeah.

As a result, congestion chaos.

That comes in the same week as we've heard

that the average car journey is 16% slower.

It takes people 16% longer to make the same journey.

Than it did four years ago. Yes.

The school run I do outside Oxford

into the centre of Oxford, the most car-friendly city in Britain...

OK, second most car-friendly.

That's 18 miles, an hour and a half.

The interesting point being, how much has the volume of traffic increased by?

So, journeys 16% longer. How many more cars are there?

Two. 2% more.

Or two cars? You fool! That wouldn't do it!

You're wrong. I'm gonna tell you.

None. Yet journey times are slower.

That's because of all the stuff we've... That's why!

That guy would have been doing 70 in that lane. Now he has to do 40 because of that.

There's something coming.

It's a taxi, another taxi and another taxi.

That's the problem. What about the scam with bus stops?

There used to be a lay-by for buses so old ladies could get on.

Now, they're building bus stops out into the road. Why?

Bus drivers said no-one was letting them out.

Nobody lets me out! We have to wait

while she dithers.

"I've got my tartan shopping trolley."

Before... What? Travel on buses,

do you?

Do I travel a lot on... What do you think?!

I went on a bus once.

I was eight. It was hideous.

There's been a lot of talk recently in America about what Jesus would have driven.

We're not interested in that.

We want to find the fastest religion around our track.

So, will you look at what we've got here!

You, sir, are from? The Catholic church. And you're...?

Father Simon Thompson. What do you drive? A Seat Leon. A turbo-charged Seat Leon!

Yeah. And you've had it chipped?

I got the touch-up paint, yeah. No, you've had it chipped from 180 to 206bhp!

One fast priest, I'd say!

Now, you, sir, I'm guessing rabbi. Correct.

Rabbi? Pinni Duna. Pinni Duna. Great name.

What do you drive? I drive a Vectra, I'm sorry.

LAUGHTER

You did know what we were planning on doing?

I did. Any crashes?

A few.

Talk us through them. I've turned over a Honda.

I've crashed a 2CV. I've backed out of my drive into somebody's car.

That's three I can think of offhand, but I've crashed a few more times.

We've learned you've never had a good car.

Now, standing alongside you is -

Nigaka Lama Rigsin Tacklung Roll Paedyorge.

I'd no idea you were fluent in Tibetan. Amazing.

What's your e-mail address with that?!

Can I call you Rigsin? Oh, please, yes.

Now, you're Buddhist. Good, yes.

And you drive a...?

Renault Scenic. Renault Scenic.

You had any accidents?

I may be the only person to have written off a car

in a motorway service area.

Really? How did you manage that?

I got a bit disorientated.

I'd stopped for a pee and walked through the door with the picture

of the man wearing a skirt.

It's true.

Leaving in a hurry, I was still revolving this incident in my mind

and I met with a rogue lamppost.

How annoying is that(?)

So now we move on to the Reverend Anthony Feltham-White.

Representing the...? Church of England. Church of England.

Now, you are a bit of a dark horse. Um, not exactly. I wouldn't say so.

But you actually race cars.

Three or four times a year, yes.

What's your team called? Revelation Racing.

Glorifying God through motor sport. Absolutely.

I know he's Church of England, but we couldn't resist it

when we were contacted by a... Bishop. A bishop.

When Bish rings, we've got to have you on board.

You're Right Reverend Wallace Ben from...? Eastbourne, but I'm Bishop of Lewis, which is East Sussex.

And member of the Institute Of Advanced Motorists. Yep.

This isn't gonna help.

Shuffling your arms around won't help here.

It has to be that. They went round the track with a guy from the Hare

Krishna, but he can't be here today.

Shame. >

Nor have we got a Muslim cos it's Ramadan.

But when that's over, please get in touch.

We'd love to see how you get on.

We'll be seeing how you guys get on a bit later.

Let's get back to the environment and talk about diesel.

We don't blame people for buying a diesel-engined car.

The fuel might cost about the same as petrol, but it's better economy.

The engines have come a long way.

For instance, there's the TDCi diesel engine in this Ford Focus.

It's a good everyday car, and it's a diesel.

Need something bigger? Try the BMW 5 Series.

At 90 miles an hour, you'd never know it was a diesel.

Clueless about contraception and want a people carrier?

The Citroen C8 has a cool and funky interior, and is very clever.

It's spacious. Are you comfy in there, guys? Yeah. Oh, good.

Now, Top Gear hasn't been renowned for its love of diesels,

and yet the version of the C8 we'd recommend is the diesel-engined one.

These are three cars with different purposes,

but they're all diesels and all good.

So what's next for diesel?

This is the Peugeot RC, maybe the world's first diesel sports car.

And since only one exists,

Peugeot were a little nervous about The Stig having a play.

So they sent down their own man, Richard Burns.

The RC has all the sports car credentials.

Carbon fibre body, mid-mounted engine, a six-speed sequential gearbox, a 0-60 time of six seconds,

but Peugeot still claim it will do 57 miles to the gallon.

So, could you? Would you take the leap and have a diesel sports car?

'Would I buy a diesel car?'

No. And I can explain why. Volkswagen Golf, OK?

It has a petrol engine and European chic, so it goes onto my cool wall.

Volkswagen Golf diesel.

Identical except the engine, but uncool because it marks you out as a cheapskate.

Here's the Saab we looked at before. I know Saabs have gone conventional.

But telling people you've got a Saab is cool. So it goes there.

AUDIENCE BOOS By the way, this isn't a debate!

I tell you where things go! I am the judge here.

Unless it's got a diesel engine, as Saab do, in which case it goes there. Happy now?

This cool wall has caused a furore. We've had 20,000 e-mails about it.

All day, people have been going, "What did you put that there for?"

I've got a microphone to hit people with. What do you want moving?

The MX5 and the MGTF. You want to switch an MX5 with a... MGTF.

Anyone else got any thoughts?

I'd put the Aston Martin as uncool,

on the basis of build quality and it's not value for money.

You are such an idiot!

This is the coolest car!

I perhaps haven't explained how the cool thing works.

It's got nothing to do with build quality. Absolutely nothing.

Or looks, or how they are to drive.

All that matters is, are they cool? The way you can judge it is this.

You're taking Kristin Scott Thomas out for dinner. Cool girl, yes? You've never heard of her, have you?

She's the coolest actress there is.

If you turn up in something like the Ferrari 360,

she'll think you're a berk. But if you turn up in that,

she's going to leave her husband!

That's how cool works. Who complained about the Ford Ka?

Why were you complaining about it? It's good.

Just look at it. It is a good car.

You turn up with 86 earrings and tell us it's a good car. My case rests! He's looking angry.

I like earrings! I drive an SL, OK? I'm gay.

Anyway, where was I? I forgot.

Oh! Diesels. The point is, if you have a diesel,

it marks you out as being mean, so they're uncool. The end.

Feel better, do you? Yeah. But don't upset the bloke in the earrings.

So we're saying diesels are uncool.

The next thing could be electric cars.

Billions of pounds are spent in America by organisations

on developing electric cars.

And this, the Ford Think...hmm.. is the best they can come up with.

You're better off doing a Guardian and jogging to work. Here's why.

Now, here's the Think.

Listen to the throbbing silence of that electric motor! Glorious.

For comparison, we've lined it up

against something equally sprightly - Jason.

LAUGHTER

And they're off! Now, the Think can do 0-30 in seven seconds.

But there are problems with its electrical stuff, like the stereo.

STEREO: # He's leavin'... #

LAUGHTER

Jason is by now way behind, but look! It's running out of steam!

MUSIC SLOWS DOWN

Oh my word, it's stopped!

And the giant Galapagos tortoise has crossed the line!

Would you drive an electric car, then, Jeremy?

No, I don't want to drive around in an appliance.

You also have to charge up electric cars every night.

How many people park outside their houses?

You have to park streets... You do. Well done!

One man parks outside his house!

But the rest of us park three streets away.

Even if you can park outside your house,

there'll be lots of flex to walk over! They're stupid.

Maybe, but there might be a solution. It's a compromise.

It's a hybrid car, the Toyota Prius.

It's a compromise because it's got two engines.

There's a 1.3 litre petrol engine and an electric motor.

It runs on the electric motor at slow speeds,

but when it needs more power, the petrol engine fires up,

and that charges the electric one. So you don't have to plug it in.

What's more, I've got a list of people who are driving this car.

This isn't made up. It's for real. Cameron Diaz has one of these cars.

So does Leonardo DiCaprio. And Donny Osmond, but we'll skip that.

Also Alicia Silverstone, Jane Fonda, Jeff Goldblum, Ted Danson,

Dennis Weaver, David Duchovny... The list goes on and on for ever!

And yet, despite that, despite the incredible patronage...

..I don't know. Where do we put it? < Uncool.

I'm thinking not uncool,

I'm thinking not even seriously uncool,

I'm thinking further down here!

I'm thinking way out of the base and into the recesses of hell!

LAUGHTER

Despite what the Government and the environmentalists say,

diesel and electric cars don't excite drivers.

I went to see what cars the kids of today want to drive.

And they weren't drawing a Prius.

To see if kids still love supercars, I lined up some break time treats.

A Ferrari 360,

a Pagani Zonda, a Nissan Skyline r34 GTR,

and finally, a TVR Tuscan.

Cool, there's a Ferrari.

Look at this one first - the red one, OK? Ferrari, right.

Who drives one of these? David Beckham. Michael Schumacher. David Beckham. Where are they made?

Italy. Italy.

Shall we do some spellings? CHILDREN: No!

Shall we look at the cars instead? CHILDREN: Yeah!

Guess how much money one of these costs.

£7.50?

A little bit more than that.

This costs about the same amount as a house.

It costs £110,000 which is like loads and loads of pocket money.

Anybody know what car this is? GTR. Yes, it's a Nissan Skyline GTR.

It's not made in Italy, it's made in...

Anybody know? Crockra?

Crockra, not heard of that place.

I heard someone say the name of this one. TVR. TVR.

Where are these made? Cyprus. Cyprus!

They're made here! In a place called Blackpool.

Want to hear it? Yeah! OK.

Ready?

ENGINE REVS

ENGINE REALLY GETS GOING

Wow!

This car will do 220 miles an hour.

This car has a funny name - it's called a Zonda.

How many houses do you think you could buy?

Three. Quite right. Three houses.

This car costs £300,000.

Three, two, one.

Woah! Wow!

Cor!

ENGINE REVS SUDDENLY

There's one more car to show you.

If you look behind you.

Wow!

JASON LAUGHS

The undefeated champion of the bedroom wall posters.

The Lamborghini Countach.

ENGINE REALLY REVS

It rocks!

Put your hand up if...

'With the paintwork covered in fingerprints, time to vote.'

Hands up for the TVR.

In fifth place was the Nissan - four points. Fourth was the TVR - 11 points.

Third place, the Ferrari.

Second place, the Zonda - 16 points.

Second! The winner - the Lamborghini with 41 points.

Yeah!

CLAPPING AND CHEERING

Excellent.

Did they go on about the environment at all? Ah, no.

The thing is,

we put those cars in the playground.

Their eyes were like saucers.

When we started it up, they just went to another place.

It was the Countach - the oldest, dirtiest car that fired them up.

Bad news for the future,

but there is a way any car can be made more environmentally friendly.

This is a Bristol, a clinking great V8-engine car.

But it's been converted to run on gas.

It's cleaner burning, it's cheaper and doing it doesn't cost a fortune.

You can convert pretty much any engine for £1,500.

And gas is so much cheaper - after £20,000 miles, you'll recoup that money.

Great, everybody's happy.

But the gas is only so cheap because the Government has frozen the tax on it.

They've promised to do that until 2004, so what happens then?

They suddenly say, "Let's bung some tax on." They did with diesel. Yeah.

We'd all be stuffed. We've converted our cars, we've got to pay for it.

Whether or not to convert your car depends one thing.

Do you trust the Government? AUDIENCE: No!

The funniest thing for me about the Government -

they decided to judge how much car tax you pay by how much carbon dioxide comes out of the back.

How stupid!

It's not a killer gas. We've got a chart.

It shows where it comes from.

95.5% comes from nature!

Do they tax farmers for their flocks of cows?

Or Mount Etna when it blows up?!

This little sliver comes from man.

34% of that is from power stations. People charging up electric cars!

Then you've got 14% from domestic use.

Potterton Boilers - tax them out of business.

Only 13% of that little tiny bit there comes from cars.

But we have the rules

and it's our job on Top Gear to show you a way round them.

LAUGHTER

That's where this comes in, OK? A Lotus Elise - it does 40mpg.

40, but it's in the same tax bracket as a Ford Fiesta.

It is!

So, it obeys the letter of the law perfectly.

But the spirit? No! Not even slightly.

This, of course, is the new Elise,

which you can have with the normal 1.8 litre-engine.

But this version, the 111S, has a sealed-for-life 1.8,

with complex trickery like variable valve timing.

It offers up 160bhp,

0-60 in five seconds,

and a top speed of 132.

How come then, it's so economical

and so kind to the environment?

How does it do that, hmm? How?

They key is weight. This car weighs less than the driver.

It doesn't need much fuel.

Put it like this - you don't need a rocket motor to move a souffle.

The old Elise never had electric windows.

They weren't too expensive - the motors were too heavy.

They never fitted carpets, and yet this one has the full Wilton,

air-conditioning, a CD player, and leather!

So does this mean, then, that Lotus has sold out a bit?

No.

See these new wheels that they've fitted?

Delicate, aren't they? And light.

Specifically, six kilograms lighter than on the old car.

Even with all the luxuries, the whole car in total weighs 760 kilograms.

About the same as a Mercedes headrest.

With the extra power in the boot, it's even more fun to drive.

Great!

The old Elise was described by many as,

"the best-handling car in the world", and it doesn't disappoint.

Oh, this steering is still just as good as ever.

It's so delicate, with so much feel.

You could run over an insect and

know by the messages from the wheel

how many legs it had.

Beetle? Spider?

Hang on, spider.

So what about the handling?

Oooh, understeer. Big understeer!

The old Elise was very twitchy. Some people were scared by that.

They fitted narrower tyres on this to reduce front-end grip,

but I don't think they've reduced it.

They completely removed it.

OK, turn in, no power.

Oh, Lord!

Have you ever seen understeer like this?

Oh, dear!

Slide! Slide!

If you do go mad and kick the rear end out,

you end up facing the way you came.

In a cloud of smoke.

JEREMY CHORTLES

So, on the evidence we've seen, not a particularly good car.

This is Gavin Kershaw from Lotus

and he says it wasn't the car -

it was my driving.

He offered to show me how it should be done.

You're the chief chassis man for Lotus? One of them, yes.

And you live in Norfolk? Yep. So you've got a girlfriend? Yes.

How many wheels does she have? Wheels?!

I was going to say "legs". Same surname.

TYRES SCREECH

I couldn't make it do that. Why doesn't it just understeer?

You have to be very gentle. It defies physics.

Come to the corner, on the brakes, then lift.

God!

Not flat out through here.

Why've you made it more understeery than the old Elise?

Because we're selling 3,000 cars, we have to cater for all drivers.

We make the chassis so if you know how to drive, you can play with it.

I could vomit on you now. I'm really considering vomiting on you.

Ah!

I can go off people!

I'm really quite impressed,

and quite depressed at how I couldn't do that and how you can.

We're going round that hammerhead corner.

Oversteer in. Oversteer.

Into the tyres! You were close to the tyres, man.

Can we go home now? Yeah.

It's not clever to drive like that.

Are you impressed? Yes. You are? Move to Norfolk, then!

The thing is, I don't live in Norfolk. I have a life.

How do I kill the understeer if I were to buy a car like that?

We can supply bigger front tyres so you won't get it.

You'll sell me big tyres? Yes. Brilliant.

So all we need do is see how fast it goes round our track. Unleash the Stig.

Of course, for the Stig, over and understeer aren't the issue.

He needs to keep it nice and tidy.

We're into the first corner.

Even in the wet, it's as smooth as silk.

RADIO PLAYS

Look at him, really enjoying the Elise's stereo.

Here he is at the hammerhead.

It was designed by Lotus. It's good through there.

None of the slithering about we had from the Honda NSX last week.

# I won a ticket to the world

# But now I've come back... #

This car is on for a seriously fast time.

I mean really fast.

He's hardly having to work at that wheel.

If you know what you're doing, this is such a well-balanced car.

For the fifth time, Stig went round in the rain.

The time was astonishing.

One minute, 35 seconds.

That's the same as a Ferrari 575,

and it only has a 1.8 litre engine.

Let's not get carried away.

It's not the most environmentally money can buy.

That is. Jason, Richard, do the honours.

LAUGHTER

This is a Peugeot 607.

The reason why it's so green is simple.

It's awful. It's dreadful.

If you bought one, I guarantee you'd never drive it anywhere.

LAUGHTER

It's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

He's been on Top Of The Pops 105 times.

Now, he's on Top Of The Gear.

From Status Quo, Rick Parfitt.

How are you? Have a seat.

You're not the ideal guest to have on in environmental week.

Not really, no.

We went over through your hits last night.

There weren't any eco-friendly lyrics. None at all.

It's about love and dopey stuff.

And it sells. It certainly does.

New album? Yep. Heavy Traffic. Yeah.

Inspired by this? Aptly named, isn't it?

It wasn't inspired by anything.

This is unbelievable. When it went in, I remember thinking...

It's a bottleneck going into Heathrow. Europe's biggest city.

To put that in there, to take a lane away from us is disgraceful.

You've had some bad times on the M4.

Me? Yeah. I had a shunt on the M3, it was. Yeah.

The M3? It changed my view about driving.

I became sensible after that. I stick to the speed limit now.

Really? Like a cup of tea after a

concert. A cup of tea and then bed.

Real rock'n'roll. But I do.

I feel these days a license is precious.

It certainly is to me.

I really don't want to lose it any more.

I've lost it three times. Three? And in great circumstances.

Were they? The last one was, yeah.

I was doing an estimated 120mph down the M3.

I don't know what speed I was going. I was actually asleep!

Is that where you stuffed it? Yeah, I was lucky.

Had it been in anything lesser than a Porsche, I wouldn't be sitting here now.

It spun. It was four in the morning and so no-one else was around or involved.

I ended up in a field, merrily sleeping.

I didn't wake up at all. What was it

that turned you onto Porsches?

I had a Mini Cooper S, which is one of my all-time favourite cars. You know, with the twin tanks.

I'm upset the new one hasn't got them.

I know, like Jags should have twin tanks. It'd be great.

However, I was sitting

at the lights on the A3

and it's a complete straight piece of road.

I'd had the Cooper S bored out and shaven, the Ricaro racing seat.

It was a real tool.

So, I'm looking forward to a burn away at the lights and this thing

just went away from me

and I had no idea what it was.

Anyway, it was a Porsche and I had to have one.

Luckily enough, I can afford a Porsche.

So I got one and I've had 11 since.

11 Porsches?! Yeah. Are you still on them now?

No, cos since I had the accident, my mum, she's passed away now,

she said, "Don't buy another Porsche," and I haven't.

I've never had another one. It's eight years since I've driven one.

Didn't she ever say, "Why don't you give up the booze and the drugs?"

That would be causing the accidents.

She was a sensible woman, my mum.

Anyway, of course, the reason you are here is because of this.

It's our Suzuki lap times. How was it?

Well, I mean it was, um, it was great fun, actually.

Would you like to see how you did?

Yeah, I would. OK, here we go.

Play the tape. Rick Parfitt in a

reasonably-priced car for the first time in 30 years and you're off!

It's a dry track! It started out

dry. It started out dry.

Lights on.

SKIDDING

What was that?

What was that noise?

I probably broke wind. Yes!

What are those gloves you've got on? They've got Jason King holes in the knuckles!

And they're from Harrods!

Across the line after this corner.

TYRES SCREECH

It felt so much faster than that.

That was fast. It felt it. I've got the time.

These are the times we've had so far. These are dry tracks.

Jonathan Ross, pathetic.

You... I'm feeling quite nervous.

Rick P, cos I'm not going to get it on,

one minute... At least I'm in the one.

..52 seconds!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Lovely.

That's just after you. It is.

He's not going to be happy. That's great. Isn't Coogan.

I'm very pleased. But, the thing is, it wasn't entirely incident-free

out there.

Not entirely, no.

Who'd like to see what happened? AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's watch Rick coming through the second-to-last corner and...

Oh, dear!

Beautif... Oh, no, there's more. Back on.

TYRES SCREECH

Across the line sideways!

Beautifully done. I saw the camera

crew on the far side of the track

and as I'm approaching you could see them going like that!

Woah!

Nearly every celebrity has been off there and the crew's learned.

Director goes, "Cover that corner?"

"Who's coming this week, Rick Parfitt? No!"

Definitely not! Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Parfitt.

APPLAUSE

This week's insider trading news.

Now a couple of weeks ago, we

promised cracking deals on new cars.

The Suzuki Liana costs not £9,995 but £7,995. The fight is on.

This week I was e-mailed by another dealer

to say that the five-door Fiat Stilo is normally £11,700.

Guess what they're offering it at? I've no idea. £10,500?

£7,995. That's insane. It's four grand off.

That's a big saving. What's the cheapest new car around?

It's the Perodua Kelisa, at £4,999. No, wrong. Oh.

This week I was offered a brand new Ford Ka for £4,995.

That's fantastically cheap.

It's four quid cheaper(!)

But that car is normally £6,600, and when they brought the Ka out,

a few years ago, it was £8,000, and that car is now £4,995. Why?

The dealers have targets to hit.

Ford give dealers a percentage on all the cars they've sold.

If a dealer has a target of 1,000 cars, they could lose lots of money if they don't meet their target.

If they don't sell those cars, they could lose £100,000.

So the last few... ..are sold at a loss.

Once they hit targets, they'll raise prices again.

£4,995 is seriously cheap. But I've got an even bigger discount.

They're bringing out some new Isuzu Troopers next year, and there's some old ones in stock.

As they don't hit emissions targets for 2003, they need to go this year.

You can't register them next year?

No. They'll go back to the factory.

Bargain round the corner.

The 3.5 V6 Citation, a proper car with seven seats, is normally £27,000.

Yes? £18,995. Good grief! That's enormous! Brand new.

It's because the dealers are stuck. There aren't many,

but if you register a current one this year, you'll get a bargain.

Earlier on, Jeremy introduced us to our various men of faith.

And this is it. Now it's time to find out which is the fastest faith.

It had been raining, but now the sun had come out,

as you'd expect with this lot around. The track was dry.

And that was good because this was the car they were driving.

The car? Well, it's based on a Subaru STI with a bit more to it.

It's been modified.

It's got a performance engine. Suspension. Exhaust. The whole lot!

Over 330 brake horsepower. Nought to 60 in 4½ seconds.

It's a proper rally car. They'll enjoy it.

But only after guidance from the Prince of Darkness - The Stig!

First to go for the Hare Krishnas was Mark Lee.

Three - two - one - GO!

He gave it everything!

All right! It's surprisingly aggressive!

He might be nervous

cos it's a powerful car, but at the back of his mind he'll be calm.

Let's give him support! It's great you all came!

# Bow down, mister Hare Rama, Hare Krishna Bow down, mister... #

He's going well. It's pretty committed driving.

# Bow down, mister... #

I want him to make this corner... He did it!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, my word!

BEEP!

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

Next up, Rabbi Pinni Duna, the 2CV crasher!

Three - two - one!

Due to the Rabbi's lack of experience The Stig offered to act as co-driver.

I think we need some big inter-denominational support.

But the collective goodwill of all religions wasn't enough to keep him on the racing line of righteousness!

THEY CHEER

So, could Rigsin the Buddhist do better?

I've never done anything like this, ever in my life!

His owners had instructed him to drive at the speed of light.

And he took them literally.

Even the Zen Master, Stig, was impressed.

But would he be impressed with the Bishop of Lewes?

CHORAL MUSIC

TYRES SCREECH

Much better.

'Next, the favourite, Reverend Anthony Feltham-White from Revelation Racing.

'He didn't disappoint.'

Second gear, apex early.

Get it in, get it in, get it in.

Push!

# All things bright and wonderful. #

Who's got the nerve? Who's got nerve?

Hard on brakes, take it in, take the bend early. Take the bend early.

Look!

Ah!

Ah, ah! Yes!

# The Lord God saved them all. #

That was scarily good.

'A biblical lap from the C of E, but the Catholics were determined.'

Go!

Committed. I think he means business.

LAUGHTER

TYRES SCREECH

CHORAL MUSIC

APPLAUSE

No.

Now I have the results here,

but before we get to that,

this is the car they were driving.

We told the people we'd borrowed

it from they were just a few vicars.

Couldn't come to any harm.

Look at this! Look at this down here!

Look what happened underneath!

Smashed off and broken.

So, which one of you lot is responsible?

LAUGHTER

Come on, own up!

The bishop! The bishop is responsible!

Now, who...

who would like to see how he did it?

AUDIENCE: Yes! Play the tape.

TYRES SCREECH

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Ooooh!

How do you feel?

Unrepentant!

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

Very good.

Right, time for the results. Richard, do join me. Yes.

In last place, and not here, Mark Lee from Harry Crashna, as it's now known.

One minute 56 seconds.

In fifth place, Rabbi Pinni Duna.

You did crash! How surprised can you be? With one minute 55.

In fourth place, from the Buddhists, Rigsin. One minute 45 seconds.

In third place, despite ruining the car that we borrowed...

LAUGHTER

..Wallace Ben, Church of England, with one minute 42 seconds.

It's a straight fight between the Roman Catholics and the Church of England.

It's the 16th century all over again! The Catholics come in second.

Simon Thompson with one minute 40.

The winner... The fastest faith is the Church of England,

and the Reverend Anthony Feltham-White.

And Jason...

Thank you.

Oh! Delightful.

That is the end of the show.

Just looking at the bus lane.

No. Still nothing going on.

Next week we won't bother with the environment.

We might kick barn owls to death, just for fun.

We're doing drivers cars. 400 horsepower is the minimum level.

We'll turn our Suzuki Liana into an Aga and a Lada into a Lotus.

See you then. Good night.

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast, 2002