All language subtitles for Top_Gear_Series_1_-_05._Episode_5_p00yzskq_original

In tonight's Top Gear:

The most relaxing way
to spend £280,000 on a car.

Richard reveals our budget Bond car.

And a floppy-haired star
in our reasonably priced car.

But first, ten years ago
if you wanted air-conditioning,
anti-lock brakes, or an airbag,

you had to buy a big, expensive car.

But today it's all available on
a family hatchback like this Golf.

So, to work out what sort of kit

will be fitted as standard
to the family cars of the future,

just look at what's been fitted
to today's big, expensive cars.

And the king of the big expensive
cars is the technological
trail blazer for the last 30 years -

the S-Class Mercedes Benz.

This is the latest S-Class,

now available with an economical,
twin turbo, six-litre...

I don't mean economical, do I?

Massive, MASSIVE V12 engine.

But I'm not interested in that.
I'm more interested in the toys.

But first I had to get in character.

So I borrowed a big house,

a suit and a butler.

If you could just pop my briefcase
in the car for me. Thank you.

He doesn't know
that he won't be able to
cos I've got this credit card.

When I walk up to the car, it'll
recognise that and open itself.

Can you not do it? No, sir.

It's perfectly simple. You just
walk up and open the door like that.

Thank you. And now you're sacked.

And if you've got this, you just
touch the gear lever to start it.

That shows how many malfunctions
there are. GERMAN ACCENT:
It's German. There are none.

There are 140 motors in this car.
Only one of which is the engine.

This button raises and lowers
the rear roller blind.

If you push this, the car goes up a
bit. Push it again, it goes up more.

If you want to go off road.

If you've got the sports suspension
engaged, you take a left-handed
corner and you're thrown this way,

it'll tighten that bolster
to hold you in the seat.

That lowers the rear head
restraints. Quite good fun.

If you push the "pulse" button,
these inflate and deflate
and move about.

It's like having a Vietnamese girl
in there massaging you as you drive.

That's the phone. It's kept here.

That's the satellite navigation,
the CD player.

You can memorise the seat positions.

That's my driving position, that's
my butler's, except I've sacked him.

They're stuffed and padded
with Amazonian coconut husks.

This turns off the parking sensors,
this engages the sports suspension.

And if you have an accident,
in the time it takes to yell,

it will arrange itself
so you're perfectly positioned
for being hurled into the airbags.

Makes crashing very comfortable.

It's got four aerials in each
pillar. These are the radio stations
it can pick up.

Now this one enables me to select

how long the rear numberplate light
will stay on after I get out.

What kind of meeting did they have

when they went,
"Have we thought about everything?

"The rear numberplate light!
How long should it stay on for?"

Dial name.

COMPUTER: The name please. Wilman.

JEREMY'S VOICE: 'Wilman'. Dialling.

This is the show's producer. I can
ring him up without taking my hands
off the wheel. Probably at the Ivy.

ON PHONE: 'I'm in the car park.
Can I call you in two secs?'

He doesn't even want to talk to me!
The problem with this feature

is you have to teach it the number
and names and that can be tricky.

Store name. The number please.

0,7,7,1,0...

2,7,7,1,0... You see,
that's not what I said, is it?

Listen, woman, when I speak to you.
3,4,9... 2,4,9. I said three.

7,1,0. Please continue.
No, you've got it wrong.

0,2,0...

2,6...7...

1,0,1,0...

Dial number. Shut up. Store number.
Shut up. Delete number.

Confirm number... Correction.
Store... Pardon?

I haven't said anything yet!
Store... Function not possible.

I'm not going to be defeated here.

3,4,9.

2,0,0,5.

2,4,9.

3,4,9...

The number is deleted.
Please continue.

2,4,9.

Why don't you listen!

Dialling. No! I don't know who
that is, it might be the Queen.

0,3,3.

0,3,3.

Store.

Name and number are stored.
Yes! We're there! We're there!

Then we've got these buttons here.

This repeats the last instruction
from the satellite navigation,
this steers you round tailbacks.

This one brings up a map
of where you are.

It's gone dark.

When did that happen?

I haven't finished yet.

BEEP

Delete Radio One for ever.

Would you like to delete...
JEREMY'S VOICE: 'Wilman'. No!

I've spent hours putting him in...

Cancelled. What? You haven't
cancelled him! I've just put him in!

No!

No, no, no! No!

You didn't drive it.
No, and I'll explain why.

This is Simon Schama's new book.

History of Britain.
He condenses into 558 pages
the whole history of Britain.

These are the Mercedes' handbooks.

720 pages. Before you can set off.

Longer than A History Of Britain!
Exactly.

But if we get these toys
on ordinary cars in the future,
we won't go anywhere.

Not quickly, no.

You won't go to the shops without
getting the brightness just so
on the vanity mirror light.

Just a little bit more...
Page 486 of the handbook.

But I did eventually get this going
and I took it to the one place
where it absolutely shines.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

It's on the motorway
that we find the most astonishing
feature of them all.

The radar-guided cruise control.
Let me show you how it works.

I've set it to 70mph, foot off
the accelerator and I'm doing 70.

But if I pull onto the inside lane,
behind this truck, I'm not touching
anything and we're slowing down.

It'll get me to 150 feet behind
the truck and it will keep me there,

doing the same speed it's doing -
for ever.

And then when I've had enough,
I simply pull into the middle lane.

The truck's no longer there,
it recognises that,

and we speed up. COMPUTER: Follow
the road until further instructions.

If you think about it, satellite
navigation's telling me where to go,

the cruise control makes sure
I don't crash into anything,

the wipers will come on if it rains.

..What am I for?

I know this costs £85,000
but it is worth every single penny.

It's a fabulous, fabulous car.

However, Audi thinks
it has an Achilles heel.

They think there's a chink
in its armour,

and they've slipped in
with a rival for it, the A8.

It seems to be the same
as the Mercedes -

quite a lot cheaper
at around £60,000,

but still big, imposing
and very German.

There's the same number of toys too
and the same attention to detail.

Like Mercedes, Audi check every car
before it leaves the factory,

to make sure that the smell from

the leather on the steering wheel

doesn't clash with the smell from

this bit of leather, or this piece.

So they're like "smelliers".

Obviously, they couldn't get a job
in the German wine industry.

They had to work for the car firms.

However, there are some differences
between this and the Mercedes.

Its V8 engine feels more muscular
than the Merc's V12,
and it's louder, more "there".

Wit four wheel drive, it's more
sure-footed through the corners,

so you feel more in charge,
less of a passenger.

The Audi is more of a driver's car
than the S-Class.

The steering's a bit dead
like it is in all Audis,

but I can use this button to adjust
the harshness of the suspension.

Put it in dynamic. There we are.

Then I've got these paddles here,
so I have some control

over the automatic gear box.

This is the limousine GTI!

So it's better than the Merc? No.

Oh. Not even slightly.

It's better to drive, but the Merc
is more refined and comfortable.

The best way to describe
the difference between them,

is the World Cup final - OK?

Ten million watched it on the BBC,
two million watched it on ITV.

ITV's coverage, like the Audi,
is just as good.

But when you take on
an institution, like that,

you can't be just as good,
you have to be 20 times better.

And if you want
a sporting limousine,

we have something later that blows
this into the middle of next week.

So, Audi have taken their swing
at Mercedes and missed.

Jaguar are next to step
into the ring with their new XJ.

Not this exact one - the ones they
sell, they'll put some paint on.

It's handsome
and it's as long as the S-Class.

But that's not enough
to tempt plutocrats away from
their beloved three-pointed star.

It needs to be special, and
it is inside. You feel cosseted

with its suedes and leather.

It's like riding
in a mobile gentlemen's club.

Don't be deceived though,
because behind that leather veneer,
this is a very high tech car.

Think of it as being
like a tweed space suit.

I'll explain.

Like the Audi, it's aluminium,
but it's built in a different way.

This is the Audi.

It's got an aluminium skeleton
onto which the panels are bolted.

You have the weight
of the skeleton and the panels.
The Jaguar is more like a lobster.

A lobster?
Yes. It's got an exoskeleton.

What you see here is the structure.
That's it.

A lobster?
Exactly. Don't you get it? No.

Do you get it?

CROWD MURMUR YES AND NO

You know what I mean - it's light
and you don't have doubling up.

You'll have more speed, more
economy, you'll be kinder to the
environment. A lobster? Give in.

Let's do the news.

News this week: New Nissan Almera -
well, it's a facelift, really.

Couple of new engines on them. But
the important thing they're changing

is the stupid names.

Now, on the old one they did an
Almera E. That was the entry level.

They did a Sport Plus, a Sport SE
Plus and a Twister and a Hurricane.

Yes.
No! Not a Nissan Almera Hurricane!

It's mad optimism, "If we call it
Hurricane it'll be really exciting."

"Here is the Nissan Light Breeze...
Oops, there's a draught."

LAUGHTER

Now it's an S, an SV and an SVE -

so much easier.

The new Nissan 350 Z here.

Astonishingly good
and very pretty car,

and with quite a good bloodline.

It started with the 240 Z in 1969.

Nissan then made it worse with
the 260, worse again with the 280,

then the 300 was dangerously bad.

Was it..? Just thinking about it

could kill you.

That's quite dangerous. Wow.
Don't even think about it. Leave it.

They're back to basics now with the

350 Z. It has a 3.5 litre V6 engine.

It has rear wheel drive.

By all accounts,

it's absolutely wonderful to drive.

But we're not going to find out
because all they could make for the
next year are going to the sceptics.

Sceptics? Sceptic tanks...
Yanks. Americans.

The sceptics are having everything
they can make for a year.
This happens time and time again.

The Volvo XC 90,
great seven-seater off-roader.

They've put the launch date
back till spring here 'cos of
the sceptics. Volkswagen Beetle,

that was nearly a year - completely
out of date when it got here -

because of the sceptics. What the

European car industry needs to do -

and Japanese - is make a car
they don't want. American-proof.

So you get a seat,
get a plaster cast of Kate Moss'
bottom, so they won't get into it.

The cup holder, make it about that

big, for an espresso or a Red Bull.
Rather than this sort of... Yes.

So they can't get the buckets with
two gallons of water and a granule

of coffee... "Hey, go easy on that!"

And the boot -

exactly an inch shorter
than a golf club. Ooh!

That'll get 'em! So they think
it'll go in, but not quite.

Sadly, we have to wait
till they've gorged themselves.

Serious point -
in the papers this week,

Wiltshire County Council have,
not just in villages but on the

A360 too, removed the white lines

because "This will create a feeling
of uncertainty among drivers,
making them more cautious."

Yeah, it would scare you to death!
It's not a laughing matter.

Seriously, someone's going to die
as a result of this.

I don't mind if environmentalists,
who dream this up, sit at home,

eat your vegetables,
wear your potato shoes.

Don't bring your idiotic ideas
onto the road, OK?

Someone will be killed.

A story about manufacturers
claiming their cars are more

economical than they actually are.

You know when you look at the MPG
figures, you get the urban,
which is town driving,

extra urban, which is the highest
figure, that's for motorways -
and the combined.

Those figures are a bit optimistic.

They are. They test their cars
on rolling roads and machines.

They have no white lines
to worry about or traffic lights,

and that's what does you.

What I always do,
a piece of information,

is look at the urban figure
because, as a rule,
that's what you get out of a car.

The lowest figure.
Your average figure will be that.

Except, the car I brought down
this morning from, ahem, Mercedes.

They say... Look,
this is my note paper here,

they say that the combined figure
I'm supposed to be able to do
is 19.9 miles to the gallon.

On my system,
the urban figure is 13.5.

Guess what I did from London
to the Top Gear base.

Ten? Eleven?
6.5 miles to the gallon.

That's plenty of fuel(!)
6.5 - that's astonishing.

We've talked enough
about fat cat transport.

Now, this car
is movement for the masses.

This car is so hot it has set
the used car market alight.

Visit the AutoTrader website,
you'll find these cars are getting
an inquiry every 25 seconds.

Seven days a week,
24 hours a day, every 25 seconds,
someone is looking for one of these.

During this programme, 144 people
are trying to find a second hand one.

It's the Peugot 206. You want
to buy one - let's show you how to.

It's not hard to see why the 206
is on so many shopping lists -
it's a nice car to drive.

And I don't mean soft and mushy -
it's really pleasant to be in.

And then, of course,
there's those looks.

Although that design's four years
old, it still looks great.

If you buy one, in two years, it'll
still look better than the rivals.

And it's classless, too - it's got
so much charm, it fits in anywhere.

Even though it's a mass-market car,

it's got enough character
to make anyone who drives it feel
a bit special - quite a rare trick.

Let's get down to practicalities -
four years into its life and the 206

hasn't thrown up any big faults -
just squeaks and rattles
from poor trim finish.

The sunroof sliding mechanism gets
worn, so check it on your test drive.

But most 206s have air-conditioning
or a sunroof so you do have a choice.

You're better off
going for one with air-con.

It'll cost you a few hundred quid
more, but it's well worth it.

The switch gear can be delicate.

Check the buttons work - if, say,
an electric mirror isn't working.

It may just be the switch,
not the electric motor.

On the plus side, the 206 petrols

have the longest service interval
of their class -
that's two years or 20,000 miles.

Engines - I'd avoid the 1.1.
It's not really up to the job.

You're far better off getting a 1.6.

But on the 1.6, watch out.

They can be prone
to cam belt problems.

So I'd buy a 1.4
and enjoy the performance.

With German executive saloons, I'll
recommend one that's done 80,000.

But I'm not going to do the same
with a small hatchback.

I'd play safe - look for one with
under 50,000 miles that's still got
some of the manufacturer's warranty.

For me, the perfect combination
would be a 206, 1.4,

about three years old
with 30,000 on it, service history,

air-con, metallic paint and
you can pick one up for about £5,500.

So look out for switches
and dodgy sunroofs?

Yep. What confuses me is
if there's a huge demand for it
- there obviously is -

isn't that inflating the price?
You said £5,500.

The second-hand prices are strong -
you could buy a Ford Fiesta or Clio -

same spec and age for £1,000 less.

Why wouldn't you do that?
This is pretty,

it drives nicely and,
although you spend £1,000 more now,

sell it in three years and you'll
get most of it back, so it's like
loaning £1,000. There we are, 206.

The best used buyer
on the market today.

It's time to put a star
in our reasonably-priced car.

We've got celebrities queuing up
to try out the Liana on our track.

But this week's guest needed a bit
of encouragement, a shoehorn even.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross!

They are beautiful.
I've got a matching leather cap.

Sadly, I couldn't find it. Pants?
No pants on today, as you requested.

So, you're not a driver, then?

I am, I drive my family Toyota
Previa to take the kids to school.

A Toyota Previa?
It's a fine vehicle.

If you drive a sports car, fine.

With a people carrier, it's like,
"Mine works - look at all my kids."

I like that silver car. The Jaguar.

I accidentally keyed it, that's not
a problem? No, it's got no paint.

That's fantastic - we all want that.
What a car!

Let's talk about your car - not
the Toyota Previa. The family wagon.

Your Mazda MX5,
what colour have you painted it?

She's a beaut. She is a...just
a slightly, you know, duck egg blue.

Mm. She's a shade up,
a light turquoise.

And it's your own colour.

My wife bought it for me
for my 40th birthday. Mm-hm.

She covered the seats in pony skin.
Pony skin?

Yeah, not the head - I think
there's a bit of a leg. Can I...

No ponies were peeled
for the making of your car.

They're not real pony skin.
Yeah, it is.

It is real? Well, it'd better be,
the amount it cost her!

So are the aesthetics
more important - plainly -
than the engine and the...

I have no interest
in how fast a car can go,

I have absolutely no interest
in how it steers,

what even the word torque means.

Nobody knows. You made that word up.

I... When you started rewriting
car journalism, you invented words

you threw in
just to confound people.

No-one's called you on it.
Clarkson, I put it to you,
torque doesn't exist!

LAUGHTER

Torque comes in lumps,
it's not little.

I hear it's expensive -
"torque" isn't cheap.

AUDIENCE GROANS

What's wrong with that?!

Well, make your own jokes up then!

That's the worst.
Torque's not cheap!

What's the fastest you've ever
driven? Relax, I'll tell you this.

Years ago I had an RX7, black
with a leather interior with

an engine called a rotary wankel -

not easy for me
to get my lips round.

LAUGHTER

I once took this beast - and I know
it's against the law and wrong...

Perhaps it was in Germany.
No, it was on the way to Maidstone.

No, wait, we've had a complaint.
I have to look disapproving.

I was young and foolish...
Is this disapproving enough?

Let's have a look.
That's your orgasm face.

LAUGHTER

It's the same thing!

It's just that Jay Kay said
he got from Rome to London
in 13 hours and I went, "Ha!"

And I should've gone...

Don't encourage...
So this 100mph to Maidstone.

That's right. I went up to 100mph,
but it's not for everyone.

I thought I'd give it the extra and

I went up - the wankel was spinning.

As I got up to 100, I was sweating

so much I had to pull over and rest.

I was sweating... 100mph?
It was horrible.

There's no need for a man to travel
that fast on land. There IS. No.

It's ridiculous and it makes your
heartbeat go up. Which is good!

I like a car, dog's head out

the window, maybe a body attached...
LAUGHTER

Possibly a pipe.

Slippers. Wouldn't that be lovely?
A leather patch there.

You've argued cars are dangerous.
They are. Why?

I have a love-hate relationship

with cars, like many people
in cities.

I don't want other people using
their car when I use mine. Fair.

That's not unreasonable. It's
the clothes you wear that's scary.

You think so? We should have dipped
beam on your tie. You're so rude!

You sit there in, what is that?
A turquoise, synthetic nylon shirt?
It has its own power supply.

I'm the only guest
to make an effort. I thought,

"The show is lacking glamour,
give the ladies a bit of crumpet."
Where are the ladies?

They've gone outside to get some
fresh air, because they're overcome.

Of course, you're not just here to
pass the time of day, but because

you are a star and you elected
to go in our reasonably priced car.

Were you nervous?

I was a bit worried because I've
never tried to drive a car fast.

And I know that's one
mean mother of a vehicle you have.

That baby, she handles. Everyone's
coming out going, "That's a serious
car." That's a motor and a half!

£9,995 - you can't ask fairer than
that. Worth every penny. Absolutely.

Shall we see how you got on? Let's
have a look! Let's see Jonathan
Ross in the reasonably priced car.

LAUGHTER

The first man in a suit
in the reasonably priced Liana!

It's easier
because I don't care if I do well!

But it's harder, because cars seem
to drive differently

when you go fast.

I'm used to taking the kids to

school and going to the supermarket.

That's fast, Jonathan!
It's in the rain!

INAUDIBLE

Look at that magnificent turn!
'Wasn't!'

This bit, I think I have

to go here... 'You look ridiculous!'

LAUGHTER

I look like a Star Trek fan! The
first man to get lost on the track!

'It's raining! Look at that speed
there! I was going 30 or 40mph!'

I'm aware there are cameras here,
so down to third, down to second.

'The synchro's gone.'

BLEEP

LAUGHTER

A bird flew past!
'That's quite speedy!'

Now, now, OK. These are the times
of the people who've been on
the show so far. The Stig, 1.46.

Well, you know, racing driver.
JK, 1.48, I did it in 1.50.

These are the wet times.
Steve Coogan, 1.53, Ross Kemp, 1.54,

Harry Enfield on a dry track,
two days and one hour.

Now, Jonathan Ross, your time is...

I'm going to penalise you two
seconds for cutting the hammer head.
What are you talking about?

You got lost, you cut a corner!
There was standing water!

You're lucky I'm alive!
Do I care? No, but you're lucky!

Two seconds, no arguing
and it is one minute...

You did it in 55, it's 57.
That's not shabby.

That's not too bad.
And that's with two seconds. Wow.

Now I'm ranked number six
in the world?

You are ranked... Somewhere.
Somewhere!

This was Jonathan's timed lap
we've just seen. Who'd like
to see some of his practices?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
Let's have a look, shall we?

LAUGHTER

That was fun.
Curiously I appear to have stalled.

Another one.

I thought it might be faster!

A car like this
likes off-road action.

It was fantastic. Ladies
and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross!

It was great fun.

We're trying to find the fastest
religion in Britain. Good news!

We've heard from a rabbi and
a bishop, we'll show you that soon.

We've got two new challenges. We're
looking for Britain's fastest lord

and Britain's fastest
white van driver.

If you drink in the Duke
Of Cumberland or you are the Duke
Of Cumberland, get in touch.

We've established the S-Class is
the ultimate plutocrat's runabout.

We reckon there's only one company
that could beat Mercedes and that's
Mercedes. Even they have to go some.

That's what they've done. Meet the
mother of limousines - Maybach 62.

Suddenly the S-Class seems a little
bit small and a bit cheap too.

Jeremy's cost £87,000.
This cost £281,380.

Before you rush out to buy one,
I went to Germany to try it out.

Mercedes sell 100,000 S-Class
every year.

Those sort of numbers
are not for the Maybach.

1,000 a year will be plenty.

We are breathing
very rarefied air indeed.

If the S-Class is as much car
as anybody needs,

why would people spend
three times as much?

It's in the details.
There is the option of black wood.

It's "piano wood", made by Steinway.

The wheel arches are lined
with a fibrous textile.

Elsewhere in the car there are
microfibre tiles, whatever they are.

The result is,
it's spookily quiet in here.

I wonder how fast we've got to go
before there's any noise

to back up the only evidence we're
moving - scenery flashing past.

Manfred, step on it!

We're doing 150, no noise.

I know how fast we're going
as I've got a speedo up there

and a clock and a thermometer.
The ultimate control freak's gizmo!

I can hear something.
They're moving the scenery faster.

It's boring, speed.

250kph is about 155mph and noise?

What noise?
I'm starting to get the point.

For Mercedes to set a new standard
in limousinery,

they had to revive
the old Maybach brand.

It was Germany's answer to
Rolls-Royce and Bugatti in the '20s.

They were very big cars. But then
they were taken up with bonnet,

with a little cabin bolted onto
the back. The interior was poky.

This though, well,
it's huge and very long.

Most of that is
interior accommodation.

62 stands for 6.2m long.

They must expect customers
to be as tall as they are rich,

but the chauffeur
has more than a packing crate.

At the front, this is the world's
most powerful production engine.

I think it's running, yeah,
there's heat coming off it.

Passengers can gaze into
the heavens or dismiss them

at the touch of a button.

# Into the night
with the syncopated melodies

# Street life

# Look left, look right
You've got lips from a magazine... #

I don't know.

Nearly £300,000
and it looks sedate on the outside.

But maybe that's
the northerner in me complaining.

If I designed it, I'd let people
know £300,000 was coming.

It would have fins,
a glitter ball, neon,

a big mahogany TV cabinet.

The driving experience might be
as relevant to potential owners

as how to change the oil but well,
it would be rude not to.

This, this is insane!

This car is truly enormous.

But it can get to over 60mph
in 5.4 seconds.

That's thanks to a 5.5 litre V12,
550bhp,

900 Newton metres of torque,
that's the important one.

I won't bore you by telling you
what torque is 'cos I can't explain.

But 900 is a lot, it really is!

# ..Street life

# Look left, look right
You've got the lips from a magazine

# Cheap sound that
comes from the underground

# Is like a bass drum
kicking along... #

Even up here, at the top of the
motoring pile, you can buy extras.

Not matts and alloys type stuff

but you can have
a walnut dividing panel.

That's £20,000. On the cheaper side,

an outdoor speaker system for
£1,200 so you can shout at peasants
and the photo-electric sunroof.

That's £10,000. You do get
a personal liaison manager, or PLM.

Your PLM is another extra with the
car but you don't pay more for it.

You don't ring him
to book servicing

but to move the Eiffel Tower
'cos it's shadowing your Maybach.

# ..In a future world
with an astro girl

# The sky goes on and on
for you and me. #

You'd be in Sicily before you
finish playing with all the toys.

I mean, executive equipment! Two
types of drink holder, remote DVD,

Aahh!

Is it better than a Roller? It is!
It's huge.

But it differs from a Roller in the
same way it differs from Ferraris.

Those are both cars
that kids have pictures of.

This isn't. It's not designed
to bring a smile to the whole world

but to bring a smile to the faces
of those who can afford it.

The effect begins to sink in
after a while.

While I'm here,
there's a call I need to make.

Hello, is that Mr Dainty?
..Good.

Headmaster of Sharmans Cross
School? My name's Richard Hammond.

Class 1A, Mrs Levy's class.
There's a few points
I'd like to take up with you.

Just thinking back, a few things
you said. You might remember.

"Amount to nothing." "Go nowhere."
That's me. Short bloke.

This is the first one in the UK,
so please, climb in.

You haven't been eating chocolate?
Nothing on your fingers? Or shoes?

There is a cheaper version.

Maybach 57, and it's only £243,780.
That's not bad.

25 grand deposit,
which does hurt a little.

Don't break anything.
Please don't break anything.

When you're agonising over colour -
you know, "Blue or red...?"

They have domes which can recreate
light from anywhere in the world.

You live in Mombassa.
How will a blue one look?
Mombassa light. There it is.

Know what I just thought? No.

280,000? Yes.
I think that's good value.

Because...? Really.

If you were to buy a house
in the south-east of England,
you don't get much for £280,000.

It won't be this big and
the owners will take the curtains.

This comes with curtains.
How many houses do you know of
that have got central locking?

None. Double glazing? Some have.
Leather seats? TV sets?

I've never been in a house
with electric windows.

And, in a house,
very easy to commit suicide.

Yes. Look at this.
There's a button to close the boot.

Obviously you can't be bothered
to do it.

If you just put your neck
down like that, and...

It detects me and goes back up
again. How did you find that out?

I thoroughly road test a car.
That is thorough.

I don't just go for a drive in
Germany. Trap your head in the boot.

It's safe and a bargain.
Precisely. Amazing.

Last week I showed you
how to buy a brand new Ford Focus
for under £10,000.

And we know that you can buy
a brand new Suzuki Liana for £9,995.

Reasonably priced car.
Well, Rover are now competing
head-to-head with them.

The Rover 45, limited edition,
the Spirit, is normally £11,650.

You can go and buy that car today
for £9,903.

Another reasonably priced car!
Indeed.

MG are also knocking 15% off
some of the models.

The MG ZT, the hot one, the 775.
That's normally £21,150.

You can get that for £18,284 -
three grand off.

It's stealing Impreza territory.
Different car but loads of fun.

I've got a gripe. If you replace
your own tyres, you'll probably use
a specialist tyre and exhaust fitter.

"Prices can't be beaten!"
National networks.

I've got a feeling they can so I did
some homework and phoned up Kwik-Fit.

I phoned three branches.
My mate's got a 320 diesel BMW
so I used that as an example.

They clearly have
an accurate pricing policy.

The first place told me
£587 for four tyres, fitted with VAT.

OK, so I phoned another Kwik-Fit.
Same price, £587.

Next one, £587. Next one, £587.

I wondered if it would be more at a
BMW dealer, as they don't specialise.

I phoned a dealer.
What do you think the price was?

I would imagine, BMW franchise
dealer, it's going to be a lot.

Seven, maybe a grand.

Yeah. £420.

No? Including VAT and fitting -
£170 cheaper than Kwik-Fit.

Being fitted at a franchise dealer,
does that make a difference?

Well, it's BMW trained technicians.
So I tried some other places.

I got the price down a little
but the message is clear,

don't assume the franchise dealer
will be more expensive than Kwik-Fit.

Get a couple of prices and negotiate.
Shop around. Save £170 on that one!

How about this for deal of the week?
Vauxhall Omega 2.2 CDX auto.

£22,500 if you went to buy that car.
List price £22,500.

There is a dealer in the UK that's
selling a brand new unregistered car

for £16,000. 16...?
That's an enormous saving.

Six and a half grand off. 30% off
list price. But that was just one.

Is that...? If there's one
out there there's got to be more.
I was offered one car.

I'm sure I could find a few more.
That is a very big saving
on a very big car.

Look at this serious car!

This is a Bentley Arnage T.

It was built with Volkswagen money,
but it's still very, very British.

You can tell that inside.

Look, this is all loose

and the key is very...slow motion.

But the doors on Westminster Abbey
don't fit very well. No-one cares.

That's Bentley. They have
a different approach to everything.

Most engines in today's big cars
are 21st century, fuel efficient

tree huggers.

The 6.75 litre V8 in this Bentley
can trace its roots to 1959.

Trees wither
when they hear it coming.

It's big, Brunellian,
and unbelievably powerful.

A few years ago,
when Bentley was still independent,

it tried to kill this engine off.

When Volkswagen came along

they brought it back and added
a couple of turbos for good measure.

What does it feel like?
That power and tort?

You know what it's like on a hot,
thundery summer afternoon.

You feel the weight of the sky,
an intangible presence.

That's what it's like
driving an Arnage T.

If Hollywood made a trailer for it,
it'd go,

"Bentley.

"Fear beyond your wildest dreams.

"In a Bentley,
no-one can hear you scream."

HE SCREAMS

You're constantly aware
that if you were sitting in this
at a zebra crossing

and you revved the engine,
anyone on the crossing
would be sucked into the engine.

You can feel it hoovering up leaves
and small stones as it goes along.

Eating the Tarmac.

You probably think that you can
handle it, like heroin, but look,

at 60 miles an hour,
a little cough and we're doing 70.

Then we're going 80.
..and now we're doing 90.

I feel drowsy as it's so relaxing
to go past 100.

110... 130!

It isn't only fast
in a straight line.

Wonder what Blenheim Palace
looks like going sideways?

I'll turn the traction control off.

Wonder no more.

You couldn't do this
in an Audi or a Mercedes.

It's like riding a brontosaurus
bareback.

Actually, make that a T-rex.

LAUGHTER

Hold on to your camera man!

What did you drop the camera for?

I told you it was a frightening car!

What we have is a three tonne car
that can do 0-60 in 5.5 seconds.

A stately home that can power-slide!

Bentley appear to be sporting, but
this is manic, this is magnificent.

I don't mind all these fiddly
switches and this loose cover.

If you want perfection,
buy a Mercedes.

Or marry an accountant.

# I wanna be

# An anarchist

# Destroy. #

Without a doubt,

this is my favourite of all the
luxury barges we've seen tonight,

even though there are a few things
wrong with it.

It suffered from total brake
failure during the filming of that,

David Beckham's got one,

and it costs twice what you'd pay
for an S-Class Mercedes Benz.

As we can see
from this mathematical formulae,

Omega, carry the one,
it is exactly twice the car.

It is, really.

The only thing that remains to do
is find out how fast it goes.

These are the times we've had.

The Westfield weighs the same as
one of the indicator stalks in this.

Over to you, Mr Stig.

Here he is. And he's off!

Building up the 645 pounds feat
of talk,

and heading down
to the first corner, that's so fast!

RADIO PLAYS: # We've got tonight... #

It was Boston last week. This week
it's Ronan Keating and Lulu,

murdering Bob Seger's
We've Got Tonight.

Right, through the hammerhead.
The Bentley is struggling.

It doesn't have
a limited slip differential.

Oh, it's spinning away!
All the power on that wheel!

Unleash the turbos
and off down to the follow-through.

# We've got tonight

# Who needs tomorrow? #

Two corners to go now.
Bacharach and carpenter's curve.

123 to beat. Here he is.
How's he going to...

Look at that! Across the line
in one minute 40 seconds.

Put a "W" there for wet.

That's not particularly fast for
a car, but it is for a cathedral.

Which it is.

I love this thing.
I absolutely adore it.

On last week's show,
we had the Bond cars in the studio.

They were fantastic.
They made us think.

We invited you to send in ideas for
us to build a cut-price Bond car
on a budget - £300. We've done it!

This is it! Some of your ideas were,
frankly, a bit scary.

We gave all the good ones to Ed.
Hello.

You are a tall one! Yes, Agent 003
and a half. Thank you!

He's created this. It's a Rover 800.

It's a gentleman's car. It is,
in British racing green.

If you're wondering where

everyone's gone, they're over there.

They backed off,
but we'll be fine over here!

Right, talk us through it.
The best thing is to get inside.

Ordinary door handle.
Absolutely normal.

It's not bad!
It's a standard Rover dashboard.

Look - our first gizmo!

Another handbrake? You'd think that.
That's the idea.

Imagine the scenario.
You're driving along

and suddenly
an assailant is behind you.

They're giving you grief. Yes. First
thing to do is try and shed them.

Push the red button. What happens?
We're going to shed balls behind us.

OK.

Oh, my word! Balls everywhere!
Look at that!

That'd see 'em off! You might use
boiling oil, that sort of thing.

How did you make this, just briefly?

It was Auntie Maud's panic button.
What, the red button is?! Yeah.

She presses that at home,
balls everywhere!

This is bike cable, so these are
things you could build at home. Yes.

So we've got the balls out...
We've annoyed them, so the chances
are they'll be shooting at us.

We need protection. We do.
Which brings us to the next gizmo.

This'll get dangerous. We need
a villain. Jason, where are you?

Look at that! He looks quite scary!
LAUGHTER

Right, so he's miffed and he's
going to shoot at us. Fire away!

Fire away.

Oh, my word!

That does look like a tea tray.
It is.

It's bullet-proof. They're the best.
It cost £6.50. Charity shop? Indeed.

Came with a trolley.

I'll retract that now. Excellent.

Now we've annoyed them even
further... They'll be really cross.

Now, handbrake turn, you have them
in front, you have to blast them.

I'm facing them? You're facing them.
Blast them out of the sky.

So we've got guns? We have guns.
James Bond would use nasty gizmos.
We've got something classy.

Fuzzy dice. Fluffy dice?! Yeah.

We need a target.

Jeremy...
Oh, look! The perfect target!

I'm not the target! But I have got
you the perfect target.

Ready, everyone?
Look at that! Perfect!

He can have it. Yes!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

This is a very good job! They're

paintball guns, hidden completely.

They are hidden inside the wings.
Triggered with these.

We had to make
kind of like a plastic finger,

and used a Metro windscreen wiper
motor to kick it around.

Plastic finger?! Very Bond.

What about this fella here?

Etiquette suggests you ask him
politely to leave,

but if not, we need to vacate
the vehicle ourselves.

We have another trick up our sleeves.

Something awful's going to happen!

We need to grab hold of this... That
seat's wet... I've got a doorbell!

It's brass - no expense spared.

We need to get further away
from the car. How far?

A little bit more than that.

How dangerous is this?
Possibly more...

Can I be as far as the audience
'cos they look safe?

Right. So then it's this button.

Ask him again - will you leave my
car, villain? ..No. Right. Have this!

Heeeeey!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic! And you were wonderful.

Right, so we've got rid of him.
You've got one more trick left.

We need fire and brimstone next.

Nice. No Bond car would be complete
without a rocket.

OK, now this is a drainpipe.
It is. Well spotted.

What you need, of course,
is our fuel-cleaning missile.

OK. This is some sort of rocket.

Also, when you're driving,
you need a windproof lighter.

You've thought of everything!

What you have to do is open this.
Pop it in.

Light it. I'll do the other side.

I'll put my goggles on. It's neat!

I'll put these on.
I don't think Bond wears these!

Safety first and all that.
Mine are smarter than yours.
Windproof, that's genius!

Ready? OK. I'm going.
We might have to stand back.

I'm going to stand back a long way.

LAUGHTER

Oh, look!

Ed!
Ed, that was fantastic.

And we have to end it there.
There's a lot of tidying up to do.

We've got to get some flowers
and pot pourri because we've got
some girls on the show next week.

Don't worry! We've also got a
five-and-a-half litre V8 Mercedes.

So, we'll see you then. Good night!

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2002

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk