All language subtitles for Top_Gear_Series_1_-_04._Episode_4_p00yzqph_original

On tonight's Top Gear:

Steve Coogan
tries our reasonably priced car.

Buying a used Nissan Skyline.
Ho ho ho!

World Rally champion Richard Burns
gets a taste of his own medicine.

First, there's the launch
this month of a new British film,

in which a British hero
drives a British car.

It is, of course, Harry Potter, but,
since we couldn't get a Ford Anglia

we'll look at one of these instead.

It's the Aston Martin Vanquish -

the kind of car you'd take
to the Riviera.

But this is Britian, so I took it
to the Isle of Wight instead.

ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

CAR ENGINE REVS

# Tell me where do you go to
my darling

# When you're alone in your bed? #

And here we are in Cowes.
This is old school Britain -

shops selling heavy jumpers,
pubs selling heavy food.

So the Vanquish seems out of place.
It has a new type of chassis
which is theoretically very light.

The body is made of carbon fibre
for the same reason.

You might imagine that the Vanquish
is like modern British cuisine -

jus drizzled onto a spot of rocket.

But, no, it's a proper
steak and kidney pie.

It weighs more than the DB7
and that's made of angle grinders...
and church pews.

The locals didn't seem unduly
bothered about the excess weight.

And that's the best thing
about driving a Vanquish.

Even though it costs £158,000,
everyone loves it.

How much house can you get for that
on the Isle of Wight? Not much.

Let's look in the estate agent's.
What can you get for a Vanquish?

That detached house there. Three
bedrooms, lounge - whatever that is.

A three bedroom house
for about the same as the Aston.

What would you rather? The car.
Good girl. Definitely the car.

That's a six-litre,
460 horsepower V12 engine.

You could attach that to your house
and still do 0-60 in five seconds.

So, in a car...

ENGINE ROARS

Nice bends... Oh! It just
pulls you out of the corners.
You floor it and - whaff! Bam!

Oh, that's a fast car.

That's a properly fast car.

So much power!

It's not just the power either -

it's the noise. Listen to this...

ENGINE ROARS AS GEARS CHANGE

I could get all flowery now
and tell you

it sounds like lightning,
but, actually, what it sounds like

is Tom Jones bending over
to pick up the soap while he's
in the showers in Wandsworth nick.

Waaa-aaaa-arrrrghh!

ENGINE ROARS

That noise. Ready? Waaaaaargh!

It is a wonderful noise.

And I love the way
this car looks too.

I love the interior.
I like the badge.

I like the fact James Bond has one.
I like its Britishness.

You well up as you growl along
on a wave of nationalistic pride -

I Vow To Thee, My Country.

MUSIC: "I Vow To Thee, My Country"

It feels as though I'm driving
around in Douglas Bader himself.

But, like Douglas Bader, the
Vanquish has something missing -

a gear lever, look.

Instead, I've got these Formula 1
style paddles behind the wheel.

Right-hand side to change up,
left-hand side to change down.

That means you have to keep
both hands on the steering wheel,
which is fine in Formula 1.

No-one talks on the phone in F1,
or eats.

And try doing a three-point turn.

I've run out of island -
I've got to do one.

So...

Er...reverse.
Pull both of them - that's neutral.

Push that.

Wait... Yep, we've got reverse.

There we go.

Back up.

So I've got to get my foot
off the brake,

and before we roll back
I've got to hit the accelerator.

I mustn't hit it too hard
or I'll end up in the lifeboat hut

doing about 140mph.

So.

ENGINE REVS

Ho ho ho!

What a great gearbox.
What a wonderful invention!

Well done, whoever thought of this.

HE SHOUTS: What was wrong
with the manual?! Why have this?!

There are other problems too -
it judders in town and the clutch
gives up if you do a standing start.

So the Vanquish wades into battle

with one arm tied behind its back.

That's a problem because
look what's attacking it these days.

This is the new Ferrari 575,

fitted here with an equally new
sports handling pack.

It costs about the same
as the Aston - both are two-seater,
front engine, rear drive GT cars,

Both do nearly 200mph
and 0-60 in under five seconds.

So which is the best?

Well, let's talk to the man
who's driving the Ferrari...

Damon Hill.

So, what's it like?

It's beautiful - a lovely machine.
Everything you expect from a Ferrari.

It gives you that slight frisson,
slight nervousness. Scary, even?

Is it scary? Yeah. You have to pay

it respect - it's a prancing horse.

You don't feel completely
comfortable. You enjoy it, but
you're wary of losing concentration.

Well, you drive that now.
I'll drive this.

At the end, see what we think.

OK. And if I flash, it means I want
to come by, if you just pull over.

Just get out of the way, right? You

really think that's going to happen?

What if I don't?

This has the same stupid gearbox
as the Aston Martin.

But you don't have to have it.

You can save yourself £8,000 -
£8,000! - and have a proper manual.

It's a little difficult
to use words like "awesome"

and "very, very impressive"
when you're used to Formula 1 cars.

After that,
anything else is sluggish.

But for what it is,
it's a very impressive beast.

The nice thing is you can dawdle

around in this car, going slowly,

and then just drop a gear
and suddenly...

..you're in Schumacher mode.

I'd like to hear the engine again.

Listen to this.

ENGINE ROARS

Now it feels like a sports car.

Then, with the driving over,

we met up to make a decision.

The Ferrari. And for me, the Ferrari.

Yeah.

It's just more complete.

I think it gives you that shot
of adrenaline, doesn't it? Which...

The Aston doesn't. And the power
of that Ferrari is just immense.

I've never been in a road car
where my head's been thrown back.

It just does that with your head.

That has got
some serious acceleration on it.

It has got 515hp. The Aston only has
460. But the Aston's much heavier.

Weight kills acceleration.

But there are things on the Vanquish
that I'd like on the Ferrari.

I love the way it looks.
And the sound.

It disappointed me when I got in

the Ferrari - I didn't hear anything.

There's something that makes people

like you more if you're in an Aston.

You'd be allowed out of more side
turns than you would in the Ferrari,
where you're a bit of a Schumacher.

Mmm. And you don't want that.

So, Jeremy, you were doing 40mph?

Absolutely. We never exceeded the
speed limit once in the entire time.

I have to say, it was
for me one of the greatest days -

Ferrari, Aston Martin,
sunshine, Damon Hill.

It was just heaven. And what
made it particularly exciting

was that the local Isle of Wight

radio station decided to broadcast

that Damon and I were there
with an Aston and a Ferrari.

I came round the corner, at 40mph,

and he's there with his greasy hair,
"Here's me Rover, have a look." God!

Anyway, we herded them all off
the road. It was just heaven.

But you loved the 575?
The 575 is a fabulous car.

But the one I drove
had the Fiorano handling pack
which transforms the car.

Apparently,
standard suspension is a bit soft.

But the Aston gearbox... The
gearbox, honestly, it ruins it!

You think, "Just change it!". Cos
it affects the second-hand value.

If you went out with loads of money,
you'd struggle to buy a 575.
What's the waiting list?

12-18 months. Pay a premium and
you get it before. But a Vanquish
I can get you next week.

Second-hand, you'll see them going
for strong money, but trade one in
and it's a different story.

I've heard of these going six months
old with £50,000 depreciation.

So, the Ferrari is a winner
as an investment and on the road,

but what about on the track?

It should be
a foregone conclusion here,

but Stig had just bought a Boston
CD and wanted to give it a spin.

We let him loose
in the Aston Martin first.

Here he comes now,
last little section,

crossing the line
after Carpenter's Corner,

and it's one minute, 36 seconds!

Now, into the Ferrari
with his Boston CD again.

One minute, 36 seconds to beat -
the final corner here...

Is he going to do it? 1.36 and...

Predictably it is quicker than the
Aston, but only by one second!

Is that all? One minute, 35.

I'm going to put that on the board.
Behind the Noble,

but remember, it was wet -
it really was horrendous out there.

That wouldn't put Stig off -
he really tried.

About 140mph through this corner.

LAUGHTER

That's not bravery doing that -

that's just stupidity.

We've got a Formula 1 theme
going on tonight, so this has
entered our little world.

F1 teams are forever telling us
that the technology on their cars

eventually filter down to the cars
that you and I buy every day.

On that basis,

we'd all be driving a 1988 McLaren,

as driven by Ayrton Senna,
and of course, we're not.

The only technology I can think of
that F1 has given us are those

stupid gearboxes that we don't want.

Now, rallying's a different animal.

Sure, it has contributed
one word to the English language.

Anyone want to guess what it is?

Anorak.

You'd know, sir.

It's not an Eskimo word - it's what
people wear on the Welsh hillsides

when they're sitting in the rain.

But, rallying has given us
a lot more - turbo charging,
four-wheel drive...

And, if you went to a BMW showroom

and asked to buy this they'd say no.

But, you can buy a Mitsubishi
Evo VII or a Subaru Impreza,

and this has been going on for ages.

You can buy Audi Quattros, Escort
Cosworths or Delta Integrales.

Rallying gives us the cars
AND a world champion.

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Burns!

Hello, Richard. Hello.

So, what are we going to do
about Formula 1?

Try and make it
as interesting as rallying.

Rallying's always seen as the poor

relation but it's become quite good.

Yes, there's more manufacturers
and more people who can actually

win a rally than in Formula 1.

I hope more people
will start watching.

It's been kind to you, let's be
honest. I haven't done too badly.

You're earning twice as much as
Jenson Button. I'm twice as old!

And you're a tax exile.

I am. A house in Andorra. I have.
A girlfriend. Yes, so I need money.

And you've still got ginger hair.
I cut most of it off!

Why do you drive one-handed?
It's like you're not trying!

Use both hands - you'll go faster.
It's got power steering!

But why do you do it?

I used to but now the gear change
is on the wheel. Oh, it isn't!

Yes, sorry. It doesn't work!

So that's why you lost the

championship! Why have you lost it?

We've had a fairly average year and
our team-mate had a spectacular one.

You have? Me and Robert.
Oh, of course, you're a team.

He caused a good crash, didn't he?
It was totally his fault!

I had a big accident recently in
New Zealand, which was my fault.

The corner was too tight.

What happened?

The tyres had done about 60,000 -
there was absolutely nothing left.

We slid, hit a bank and the nose dug
down so we flipped about five times.

Hurt yourself? No. Have you hurt
yourself at all this year? No.

So it's Colin McRae who does that?

Colin always tends to hurt himself.
I hurt my co-driver - more sensible!

You've got a book out.
What's it called? Driving Ambition.

As a youngster you didn't like pubs,
and preferred to see rally people.

Yes, but then I grew up and I had
that money you were talking about

and found out what all that was
about, so now I do go to the pub.

If you don't live a normal life,
you'll go mad.

I saw a picture of Colin McRae

tucking into curry sauce and chips.

I've never seen an
F1 driver having curry sauce...
They're not cultured enough.

Of course, what's it...
Network Q...

Rally Great Britain. It starts
later this week, doesn't it? Yes.

It starts on Friday.

You've won...? Three times. Three!
You've done your research!

You've got a heater, haven't you?
Yes. So you're comfortable.

Have you ever thought
what it would be like

for the people who have to turn
out and spectate on the rally?

I used to do that. You did? Yes.

I'm not sure that you've got it
at the forefront of your head,

so here's a flavour of what
it's like to be a rally spectator.

LAUGHTER

Right...

APPLAUSE

Now, we'll leave him out there

until his whole head's turned blue.

What about a car that's got
nothing to do with Formula 1,

or with rallying?

The Nissan Skyline. It's basically
a PlayStation with an exhaust pipe!

If you want to buy one second-hand,
there's things you should know.

In the world league table
of supercars,

Japan's only made one real
contribution - the Nissan Skyline.

It may not have the pedigree
of an Aston Martin or Ferrari,

but then again,
it never had the price tag either.

But it certainly had the pace.

Whenever it went racing,
it crushed the opposition.

In fact, in the Australian Touring
Car series, they changed the rules
so the car could be outlawed.

Its strength lies under the skin,
where there's a 276bhp twin turbo

and an incredible
computer-controlled chassis

that can be two-wheel drive or
four-wheel drive when you need it.

It's all over for this techno titan
as they've stopped building them,

and Japan's cut-price supercar
is now only available
as a second-hand buy.

There were three models.

The R32,

built in the first half of the '90s,

the R33, built between '96 and '99,

and the imaginatively named R34.

With a 0-60 time of 5.2 seconds
and a top speed of 155mph,

it's the best of the breed.

ENGINE ROARS

Ooh! Oh-ho-ho!

Ahhhh. That was nice.

Not only is it blisteringly quick,
it's almost idiot-proof to drive.

That computerised chassis can turn
Maureen into Michael Schumacher.

It's a really clever torque
converter.

Sensors on the wheels tell you
how fast you corner or accelerate.

That information goes into a 16-bit
processor. The car looks after you.

It doesn't half
make it corner quick!

And the display -

as we drive along, we can check how
many G we're going round corners.

We can check the er...turbo boost
and we can check the torque
to the front wheels.

It's going to
keep you occupied for...

minutes!

A fantastic bit of kit.
It really is...

a car for the
PlayStation generation!

So, a big fan of the car. Yes.

We all are.
Which one should you buy?

Skylines are mainly bought as play
things, so if you're looking for one

you can find a car with low mileage
that's had a few owners.

Basically, they wheel it out,
do a track day and drive it home.
Also, a lot are imports.

This means you lose service books
and even mileages.

A little haircut on the mileage?

A little trim. Somewhere coming
round past Dubai.

That's what's happening, is it?
Yeah, it is. OK.

What kind of things
are they known for?

They're well put together.
A lot of things about them are
very good but things can go wrong.

The R32 - the brake discs
sometimes explode. Explode?!

What, bang! They disintegrate and
they're £500 a pair to replace.

You don't want that. No. On the
later cars - the 33s - you also get
synchro problems on the gearbox.

To sort it costs about £1,000.

OK. And the 34?

It's pretty much bulletproof, but it
is a lot of money to buy. How much?

£40,000.

That's as cheap as it'll go? At the
moment, for a UK car. It will drop.

And the question of tuning them?

I've driven one that's 1,000hp.

Yes. The standard car's 276bhp
which is plenty.

Chips means turbo wear.

A normal turbo lasts about 60,000

miles and costs £1,500 to replace.

Bumping that power up
shortens the life of the turbo.

So you want one that's unchipped
and unmolested, which is hard!

They're four-wheel drive.
When you check the tyres -

they're £250 a piece...

That's £1,000 for all four. Yes.
And they wear out on the inside.

Like an Escort Cosworth? Yes.
5,000 miles in an Escort Cosworth,
the tyres are gone on the inside.

When people check, they go,
"OK, there's tread on there."

You want to turn it on full lock
and feel the tread on the inside, or
else you're into £1,000. Good tip.

Which one do you reckon?

The 32, you can pick up for about
£12,000, but they're quite old cars.

The 33, you can pick up
for about £20,000.

The 34 is £40,000, so on balance,
the best value car is the 33.

Cos it's about the same as the 34.
Same Brembo brakes,

same twin turbo engine -
OK, a bit older, but half the price.
Brilliant! Let's do some news. OK.

The news this week for petrol heads
is dominated by Formula 1 and
how to make it more interesting.

Tricky - not so long ago,
F1 looked like this:

COMMENTATOR: He's on the inside!

He's got the shorter line! He's got
second position, they banged wheels!

He's off! He's off!
And he's back again.

Rene Arnoux off the circuit.

And this is the last lap!

Wow! That was just the greatest race
ever in Formula 1 - two bronzed men,

gladiatorial, fighting one another!
That's quite scary actually, Jeremy.

The Formula 1 governing body
met this week to decide what to do.

What they've decided
is to do nothing.

At all? Cross their fingers
and hope it's more interesting.

You came up
with a theory to improve it -

get rid of all the electronic gizmos
and effectively give us F1 unplugged.

Yeah. Not a bad idea.
But we've a better one.

You've one point for qualifying
on pole, one for winning the race

and a point every time
you overtake someone.

It's brilliant.

Michael Schumacher
would still be world champion.

He'd qualify on pole, get a point,
then at the start of the race,

engage fourth, drop to the back and
spend two hours overtaking everyone.

It's brilliant!
Yeah, but if Coulthard and
all the frontrunners are slowing up,

conceivably some idiot in a Minardi
could wait and, vroom!

By the first corner
they've got 20 points.

It'd be better to start at the back.

Qualifying would be
how SLOWLY you drove!

The lights would go green and no-one
would go! They'd just sit there!

It's a good job
Murray Walker wouldn't commentate!
The lights would go green...

Nobody would move. You'd sit and it
would be chicken, "I'm going...now!"

It won't work.
Here's one you may have seen.

A 19-year-old lad, he's just out of
jail and has an electronic tag -

he's been stealing so many cars he's
under curfew and can't go anywhere.

He has just won £9.7 million

on the Lottery.

Your point is?

Frankly, that proves there is no God.
LAUGHTER

Talking of God, we requested men of
the cloth to drive round our track -

we're looking for
the world's fastest religion.

LAUGHTER

We've had lots of e-mails - here's
a good one, from Rev Danny Wignall.

He says he wants to have a try and,
"Did you know Jesus drove a Honda?

"Jesus says, in John's Gospel,
Chapter 12, Verse 49, 'For I did not
speak of my own Accord...'"

LAUGHTER

It gets better - Rev Phillip Sutton
is also keen to come on the show.

He says, "Driving fast is a fine

Biblical tradition.

"The Bible makes clear that King

David rode a British motorbike.

"'The roar of David's Triumph
was heard...'"

LAUGHTER

They're all Anglican, all vicars.

We've got one Methodist,
which is good,

we're OK for Hindus,
we've even had the Hare Krishna,
but we still need Rabbis,

Imams... Buddhists. No, we're OK
for Buddhists, we're down on Rabbis,
so if you're a Rabbi, have a go.

OK. This week's Insider Dealing.

It's a funny time of year - it's
when the manufacturers look back

and say, "We've seven weeks
till the end of the year,
will we hit our target?"

They all hang on to see
if they will, but every year,

in the next weeks, they'll realise
they're not and will do some deals.

My advice is, if you're buying a
new car this side of the new year,

wait, let 'em sweat, yeah?

In three weeks they'll offer some
blinding deals. Some manufacturers

this affects more than others?
Yeah, the people down on the year.

We spoke about Alpha Romeo last
week, Fiat, Subaru are doing deals.

You won't go into a BMW dealer
and get a great deal

because BMW is up, Jaguar is up -
it's those suffering in the market.

One good deal - the Ford Focus
came out in October '98 in the UK.

It's been out four years.

When it came out it was £12,500
for the base model, that was a 1.4.

Four years on, you can buy
a brand new five-door, 1.6,
with air-con for £9,995.

The same as our Suzuki!
That's a reasonable price!

Nice though the Suzuki is... It's
looking dodgy! That deal runs till

15th January, so you don't need
to have it this side of Christmas.

Get it in the new year?
That helps the value.

Anybody who's fairly young who
looks to buy a car will find the
insurance premiums are really high.

You look at, even on a small car,
up to £2,000, fully comprehensive.

So free insurance
is worth lots of money.

Renault are doing a deal on new
Clios - the cars are the Dynamic
and the Extreme, 1.2 and 1.5 diesel.

If you're between 19 and 80,
you can buy a new car
and get free insurance.

For somebody of 19,
that's worth a couple of grand.

What bugs me - this is my soap box -
you'll see these deals advertised

and it'll look like you can buy
a fantastic car for no money.

I saw one for a Lotus Elise saying,
"Drive one for £199 a month."

It's like, "Let's all get one."

And then you look at the small
print and the deposit is £8,000!

So if you make a big enough deposit,
you can have anything for any price.

So this week only, I'm offering new
Porsche 9.11 Turbos for £99 a month.

Phone me up! Of course, there
is a small deposit issue of £84,000.

LAUGHTER

But £99, you can have a 9.11 Turbo!

Big story for me comes from the
world of film and I'm not talking
about Harry Potter. My children are.

Yes, I'm talking about James Bond.

New film, Die Another Day.

After 15 years of disloyalty,
Bond is back in an Aston.

And this is it!
Bond's Aston Martin Vanquish.

A Bond car has to do clever stuff -
we've got the ejector seat in there.

At the front, the grille drops down
and out come two machine guns.

Ooh, thank you. Then four missiles!

Four missiles? Oh yes.

For once,
Bond is outdone by the baddie.

This is his car, a Jaguar XKR.

It doesn't have four missiles,
it has 18!

It also has spikes in the tyres

and here are
two heat-seeking missiles.

It also has central locking - you
can lock the doors and the boot

by pressing a button on the key fob.

Behind the seats is a bulletproof
screen which rises like so.

A Gatling gun - obviously!

MOTOR WHIRRS

That's a great Bond noise -
kabun-chuka! I love that, but the
piece de resistance is in the boot.

Open it up!

Mortar bombs in the back! Love it!

You absolutely had to, didn't you?!

Bond has sophistication
and brains on his side.

The baddie fires his mortar bombs,
from here, two shot guns...

GUNS CLICK

A rather pitiful noise.

Those and the front missiles gave
them a problem when they built this.

So much space was taken up that
underneath here... There go the guns!

..they had to get rid of the V12

Aston Martin engine. It was too long.

So they replaced it with this
Mustang V8, it's that much shorter.

The good news is that
because the Aston engine's gone,

so's the stupid gearbox! Look!

Bond gets an automatic.

If you had to do a three-point turn
with the flappy paddles, the world

would blow up before you'd finished.

Despite the depressing difference
in fire power, they're very similar.

They both have the Mustang V8 and
were converted to four-wheel drive.

They had to be, because in the film
they're driven on ice.

APPLAUSE

It makes xXx look pathetic.
Does, doesn't it? Do you know
where that was filmed?

The wide shots were done in Iceland,
but the close-ups, Gloucestershire.

No! Little Rissington. Big on
icebergs there, is it? Yeah, in June.

What really excites all of us

is that in this world of computer
generation, they could've computer
animated them, but they didn't!

They built them for real,
actual Bond cars.

That got us thinking - we thought,
"If they can do it, we're Top Gear,
we can do it."

But it took 20 men eight months
to make these.

Their budget for the four-wheel
drive system alone was £1.5 million.
Ours was?

Well, Jeremy, it's 300 quid. Exactly.

That has to include the car - we've
bought that already - a Rover 820.

It cost £200, so we've £100 for the
gadgets! If you've got any ideas...

Jeremy has some ideas, but all of
your ideas are potentially lethal.

We need ideas that'll work,
particularly for the ejector seat.

We've got a budget of £50 for that.

If you have any ideas
for our Bond car, write to us at:

I've Got A Really Good Idea For
Your Bond Car On The Cheap.

Or you can visit the website.
Or text.

The marriage between Bond and Aston
Martin is one of the greatest ever.

That photo of Sean Connery
leaning against his DD5 in the Alps,

a publicity picture for Goldfinger,
was just wonderful.

But since then, there has been
an even better automotive marriage.

It's three days before Christmas

and I drive the Rover Vitesse
back to the Royal Norwich Hospital.

You can't park here.

I've got permission because I'm
distributing a large box of toys.

Shall we meet the man who put
Alan Partridge in a Rover Vitesse?

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!

APPLAUSE

How are you?

I'm very well. Good, have a seat.
Thank you.

Of course,

the great news is Partridge is back!

Is he? Yes, tomorrow.
He's on our screens. Great.

Is he still in his Rover?
Not any more.

We'd laughed enough at Rovers.

By rights, Alan would probably be

in a Jaguar now, the small X-type.

However, that's not funny, so
we thought we'd put him in a Lexus.

A Lexus?
A Lexus because the word Lexus...

AS ALAN: "I drive a Lexus."

It sounds funnier than,
"I drive a Jaguar."

Who'd like to see a clip? Yes.

Wye-aye, look, a Lexus.

That's a better one than yours. It's
amazing the number of Lexi you see.

That's the plural.

The Daily Mail. Yep. Arguably, the
best newspaper in the world. Yeah.

Nice Lexus. Yes, I love Lexi.

I have a thing I say about Lexus.
BOTH: It's the Japanese Mercedes.

I hate Mercs. People who drive them
are just sa-a-aaad.

LAUGHTER

Are you wearing Lynx? Well smelt.
Voodoo. Java.

Alan Partridge. Dan Newman.
Nice to meet you.

Fantastic.

So he hangs out in petrol stations?

I used to work at a petrol station,

one of those
where we still served the customers.

So people who liked to have their
oil changed came into our garage.

Bernard Manning used to come in,

in a white Lincoln Continental
with white plastic seats
and a white steering wheel.

And a white vinyl roof.

He'd come in, and probably because
he couldn't get himself out,

he'd lower the window and go,
"Fill 'er up, sunshine,
and watch the paintwork."

The thing about Partridge,
he's made a video.

Yeah. I can hardly wait to see it.

There's a bit of Alan's delivery
in the car crash video

that I probably owe you money for
because you inspired it. Oh, God!

These videos are called,
one of them he's released is called,
Crash, Bang, Wallop, What A Video!

It's one where the camera
speeds towards his head.

AS ALAN: "Crash, bang, wallop,
what a video!"

LAUGHTER

It's that intonation of finishing
a sentence and going...

HE DRAWLS ..like that, at the end.

I've created this monster?

I wouldn't give you the credit!
Oh, no.

You're partially responsible.

My favourite pairing, man
and machine, was Gareth Cheeseman.

Do we remember him? A top character.

Here's a clip to remind
those of you who can't remember
the magnificent show.

Here it is.

You're number one.

You're a tiger!

R-r-r-a-a-a-a-ah!

Now, does anybody remember
what car he drove?

INAUDIBLE

Exactly, he drove a Ford Probe. Do
you know what happened to its sales
figures after that programme?

I know it wasn't hugely successful.

No, but it was a hugely successful

vehicle. That was November '95. Yes.

The year before that,
they sold 6,200.

Shortly after that went out,

or immediately after that went out,
2,400. Really?

You killed the Ford Probe,

and if anybody's watching from
Lexus, don't bother going to work.
You've had it.

How much of an anorak are you to be
able to put them in the right cars?

Unfortunately,
I'm a lot of an anorak.

At the Motor Show I was looking at

people with their bags of brochures,
thinking, "God, you sad bastards."

Then I realised I was carrying one!

Volvos, you're particularly good on.
I am cos my dad has always driven
Volvos, so I'm quite good. OK.

What we've got here
is a pile of Volvos. OK?

I'm going to pass bits to you
and I promise we aren't cheating.

We're going to find out
if he's as good as he thinks.

Hardest one to start with.

OK, that's the hubcap off,
I'm pretty certain it's off, er...

the 122, the Volvo 122? No, later.
Later?

One, er... You're right
with the one. I'm impressed.

It's one...one...

144? A hubcap from a 144!
What years was the 144 with us?

Um, the 144 went from,
I think, '69 to about, er,

about...about '76
when the 2-series took over.

This is amazing. OK, this.
That is... First of all,
do you know what it is?

That is the interior armrest
of a 2-series Volvo, so, a 245?

No, no, it's earlier, I'm afraid.
This is off a 145, 144?

Yeah, it's off a 144.

OK, but let me just add -
this may be off a 144,

but earlier... Hang on. No, no

yeah, I'm mistaken, it is off a 144.
LAUGHTER

Right. It's a door. I know, yeah.
I know that. You know it?

The seals used to go here and here.

There should be a frame
attached to it.

Interestingly, the frame was
only attached on later models.

It was bolted on this one. Ah!

I believe that to be the case.
I'm very impressed.

But that part is common to both
the 1-4, er, 144, 145 series
and the 1-6...

No, because the handle...

LAUGHTER

There was a chrome pull door.

It stood out from the door,
rather than flush like that.

Yeah.

So it's either a late...144, 145

but it could equally be,
you could fit that to a 244, 245.

You have to bear in mind

the 244s had the welded door frames.

So it's a, it's a 144, a late model.

OK, that's a steering wheel off...

It could be off an early 240-series
but it's more likely to be off
a 140. You're absolutely right.

That's a 144 and this is stunning!

Sounds though, door slams?

Well, I can tell the difference
between, not lots of door sounds,

but I'm a fan, I know you're not,

but I am a fan of the 993 Porsche
Carerra and of the build quality.

Also, the old Porsches,
the bolts they used were this long.

On the 996, the bolts are this long

cos that's when they were made
to share lots of parts.

So, if we play the sound
of a door closing... The 996,
I could tell the difference.

OK.

CAR DOOR CLOSES

One.

CAR DOOR CLOSES

OK, the first was a 993,
the second a 996.

He's right.

APPLAUSE

There's a very definite click to
the 993. That's what it is, is it?

Yes. We should swap seats!

Then I'll have to be Alan Partridge.
I'll have to dress like you!

You're not just here
to identify bits of car,

but to drive round our track.
Every week, we have a star in a car,

that's the Suzuki Liana, £9,995,
with a roll cage in there.

Earlier, you did that.
How do you think it went?

Er... Oooh, er...

Well, it was absolutely
bucketing down, so let's find out.

JEREMY LAUGHS

I should write my will,
I suppose, but I don't have time.

Any idea how fast you got up to
down here? I've no idea.

Glad I cleaned my teeth! There's
a gradual build up of terror there.

That's quite neat,
and there you are.

These are the times we've had from
everyone who's been on the show.

Stig's still 1.46. It was wet. Some
people have gone round in the dry.

We've only had one wet one so far.
It was Ross Kemp.

He did it in one minute, 54 seconds.

That's your bench mark time.
Do you wanna know...

Go on. ..how fast you were?

One minute, 53 seconds!

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Yes! We can put that here.

Coogan.

One minute, 53. Ross Kemp's going
to be so angry. I beat Ross Kemp!

Right, now, we've got Richard Burns
standing outside at the moment.

We're letting him know what it's
like to be a spectator on a rally
in England or Scotland or Wales.

We can see a picture of him now.

There he is, chilled to bits
and nothing much happening.

He's waiting for the Nova to come
bumbling by. There's the gravel!

A face full of gravel!

That's basically rallying, Richard.
That's what we have to put up with.

We'll leave him out there for a bit
longer. Thanks for coming, Steve.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!
Thank you.

We've noticed something recently.

All of the Formula 1 manufacturers,
with the exception of Ferrari,

make a mid-range two-litreish
four-door family saloon.

Honda, Toyota, BMW, the lot. We got
them all together to fight it out.

This is not F1. Look at that grid.

There are no girls dancing around
in their pants,

there's no throng of celebrities
and I'm wearing corduroy.
This is real life.

BRAKES SCREECH

Later on, the Stig will drive all
these cars round our test track

establishing which is
the fastest in our sales rep F1.

But we need to set up the grid order
to see who's on pole or at the back.

We'll do it according to value,
quality, image and handling.

Renault Laguna. Renault's
Formula 1 car had enough innovation
to win an F1 season.

Shame they didn't.

Just like in F1,

the Renault lags behind
the rest on power.

And then there's the handling.

Lagunas have always felt as if they
are aimed at comfort, not speed.

Actually, they can surprise me.

They roll and lean a lot but they
grip and they can get a move on.

Let's see what the
Stig does with the Laguna.

The Laguna was the first car
ever to win a maximum five stars

in the respected Euro N-CAP
crash tests.

It has technological gizmos too

like on-board tyre pressure monitors.

All right, so the build quality is,
er, French which isn't a good thing.

But it's loaded with technology
and it looks pretty good.

It's a chance to drive
something a bit different.

So the Laguna makes
a good case for itself.

Ford have, and have had,
links with several teams,

not all of them with big budgets.

Their latest Mondeo has a
distinctive feeling of quality to it.

It is an excellent drive and it has
a lot to offer as an all-rounder.

But it is still a Mondeo.

Toyota's the newest team
on the F1 grid, with a huge budget.

Their Avensis is the oldest car here.
It's also ugly.

It's endlessly reliable
so you'll have to suffer millions
of boring miles before it dies.

Those miles will be spent
in an interior that will only get
shinier and nastier with age.

It's got a good engine but it will be
starting from the back of the grid.

Jaguar haven't been shy about
spending skiploads of money on F1.

It's only just paying off.

So how will their cheapest car be?

As in F1,

the Jag has one of the most powerful
engines. It's a two-litre V6,

with 157bhp.
0-60 in 8.9 seconds.

And like F1, the Jag isn't blighted
by handling problems.

That's despite this being cheap with
the two-wheel drive at the front,

rather than four-wheel drive.

The £20,000 X-Type is Jaguar's go at
getting an affordable prestige car

onto the sales rep's shopping list.

It gets miserable and miserly on kit.

This sat nav with touch screen
operation is gorgeous.

You don't get that or the 32 other
optional extras fitted to this car.

You don't get much Jag for £20,000.

It's a very good car,
the entry level X-Type.

It might be small but it's enough
Jag for anyone. That's the problem.

It's enough Jag. But you want much,
much more than enough Jag.

There's something for me of
the rather annoying social climber
about the small, cheap Jaguar.

Mercedes haven't enjoyed
the best of years in F1.

Usually renowned for their engines,
it never measured up to the handling.

They've put new motors
in the C-Class.

From now on, two-litre C-Classes
come with a supercharger.

Will it be enough for it to take on
its arch rival, the BMW 3 Series?

If you took Ferrari
out of the equation,

BMW would have been
the best in the season.

They've got the most powerful engine
but need more research.

Or rather their F1
partners Williams do.

The best engine on the grid has been
let down by the car's handling.

In fact, it's the opposite
of the F1 cars.

The handling's great, it's a BMW

but power is behind the rest
of the pack at just 143bhp.

It's heavy. 60mph takes 9.3 seconds.
I'm being left behind.

As the third of our affordable
prestige cars,

again, they're stingy with kit.

And it's the only one with something
of an image problem. When did you
last smile at a BMW driver?

It catches up a bit with handling.

It grips and the suspension set-up
is fantastic.

It should do well on the track.

Just one more car before
we rearrange the grid.

Honda have had a disappointingly
mediocre season.

Certainly a long way
from their glory days in F1.

Back in the real world,
they've launched the new Accord.

The Honda Accord hasn't
had a glamorous profile.

They're not as posh as a Beamer
or a Jag

but not as everyday as a Laguna
or a Mondeo.

They're well enough put together.
It's still not exactly exciting.

It's not down on power with a
two-litre VTEC engine and 155bhp.

That places it
near the front of the field.

So it's got plenty of kit,
it's got prestige. But unlike F1,
the Accord is a world of compromise.

Here is our starting grid rating
according to real life.

At the back, the Toyota.
It's old, ugly and boring.

The Mercedes C-Class is next.
You get nothing for your money
and it's not the best drive.

The Laguna's five-star crash test
rating brings it up to here.

It's nice to get a Jag for not much
money but you don't get any kit.

Here's the benchmark. The Mondeo is
still one of the best in the class.

Well-built and a good drive.

The BMW 3 Series is rear-wheel drive
and well-built.

At the front to give it a chance,
the new Honda Accord.

That's how we rate them
but what will the Stig reckon?

It's a different kind of F1.
There's seven cars and only one Stig.

So the Honda? Yes. In the real
world, it's about compromise.
It's got a bit of prestige,

enough kit and a good engine,
that VTEC.

And reliable, they're well-made.

If you want a safe car,
you'll get the Laguna.

To show off,
you'll buy a Mercedes C-Class.

If you want to take a minicab,
you'll buy the Toyota.

The most important thing we have
to do now, which is the fastest?
Time to see what the Stig did.

The Jaguar has a good engine and a
good chassis. But it was the slowest,

not helped by a sulky traction
control system.

The Avensis and the Laguna
were about the same.

Both were beaten by our favourite
in the real world, the Honda Accord.

BRAKES SCREECH

Next the Stig tried the Ford Mondeo.

We knew it had a wonderful chassis

but it turned out to be a full
three seconds faster than the Honda.

That leaves us with the two Germans.

The C-Class Mercedes, with 20 more
bhp than the Ford, but it was
nearly two seconds slower.

Can German pride be restored
by the ultimate driving machine?

BMW 318i, rear-wheel drive,
perfect weight distribution.

And an astonishing result.

It was a full two seconds slower
than the Ford.

The Mondeo is the quick one.

Maybe the engineers are working
on the road car and the tea boys
are making the race car.

That's amazing. Most weeks,
the guests come on,

do their chat and get back
in their limos to London.

I've just noticed Steve Coogan
is still here,

hanging on to the bitter end.

I'm afraid it is the bitter end now.

Next week, Jonathan Ross is here.

Heaven knows how he'll see where
he's going with that hair he has.

We'll be looking at the ultimate
cars money can buy.

I'll be doing this in a Bentley.
Good night!

Can I go now? What? Can I go? No!
Three-day rally, stay there.

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2002.

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk