Original subtitles

On tonight's Top Gear:

Steve Coogan tries our reasonably priced car.

Buying a used Nissan Skyline. Ho ho ho!

World Rally champion Richard Burns gets a taste of his own medicine.

First, there's the launch this month of a new British film,

in which a British hero drives a British car.

It is, of course, Harry Potter, but, since we couldn't get a Ford Anglia

we'll look at one of these instead.

It's the Aston Martin Vanquish -

the kind of car you'd take to the Riviera.

But this is Britian, so I took it to the Isle of Wight instead.

ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS

CAR ENGINE REVS

# Tell me where do you go to my darling

# When you're alone in your bed? #

And here we are in Cowes. This is old school Britain -

shops selling heavy jumpers, pubs selling heavy food.

So the Vanquish seems out of place. It has a new type of chassis which is theoretically very light.

The body is made of carbon fibre for the same reason.

You might imagine that the Vanquish is like modern British cuisine -

jus drizzled onto a spot of rocket.

But, no, it's a proper steak and kidney pie.

It weighs more than the DB7 and that's made of angle grinders... and church pews.

The locals didn't seem unduly bothered about the excess weight.

And that's the best thing about driving a Vanquish.

Even though it costs £158,000, everyone loves it.

How much house can you get for that on the Isle of Wight? Not much.

Let's look in the estate agent's. What can you get for a Vanquish?

That detached house there. Three bedrooms, lounge - whatever that is.

A three bedroom house for about the same as the Aston.

What would you rather? The car. Good girl. Definitely the car.

That's a six-litre, 460 horsepower V12 engine.

You could attach that to your house and still do 0-60 in five seconds.

So, in a car...

ENGINE ROARS

Nice bends... Oh! It just pulls you out of the corners. You floor it and - whaff! Bam!

Oh, that's a fast car.

That's a properly fast car.

So much power!

It's not just the power either -

it's the noise. Listen to this...

ENGINE ROARS AS GEARS CHANGE

I could get all flowery now and tell you

it sounds like lightning, but, actually, what it sounds like

is Tom Jones bending over to pick up the soap while he's in the showers in Wandsworth nick.

Waaa-aaaa-arrrrghh!

ENGINE ROARS

That noise. Ready? Waaaaaargh!

It is a wonderful noise.

And I love the way this car looks too.

I love the interior. I like the badge.

I like the fact James Bond has one. I like its Britishness.

You well up as you growl along on a wave of nationalistic pride -

I Vow To Thee, My Country.

MUSIC: "I Vow To Thee, My Country"

It feels as though I'm driving around in Douglas Bader himself.

But, like Douglas Bader, the Vanquish has something missing -

a gear lever, look.

Instead, I've got these Formula 1 style paddles behind the wheel.

Right-hand side to change up, left-hand side to change down.

That means you have to keep both hands on the steering wheel, which is fine in Formula 1.

No-one talks on the phone in F1, or eats.

And try doing a three-point turn.

I've run out of island - I've got to do one.

So...

Er...reverse. Pull both of them - that's neutral.

Push that.

Wait... Yep, we've got reverse.

There we go.

Back up.

So I've got to get my foot off the brake,

and before we roll back I've got to hit the accelerator.

I mustn't hit it too hard or I'll end up in the lifeboat hut

doing about 140mph.

So.

ENGINE REVS

Ho ho ho!

What a great gearbox. What a wonderful invention!

Well done, whoever thought of this.

HE SHOUTS: What was wrong with the manual?! Why have this?!

There are other problems too - it judders in town and the clutch gives up if you do a standing start.

So the Vanquish wades into battle

with one arm tied behind its back.

That's a problem because look what's attacking it these days.

This is the new Ferrari 575,

fitted here with an equally new sports handling pack.

It costs about the same as the Aston - both are two-seater, front engine, rear drive GT cars,

Both do nearly 200mph and 0-60 in under five seconds.

So which is the best?

Well, let's talk to the man who's driving the Ferrari...

Damon Hill.

So, what's it like?

It's beautiful - a lovely machine. Everything you expect from a Ferrari.

It gives you that slight frisson, slight nervousness. Scary, even?

Is it scary? Yeah. You have to pay

it respect - it's a prancing horse.

You don't feel completely comfortable. You enjoy it, but you're wary of losing concentration.

Well, you drive that now. I'll drive this.

At the end, see what we think.

OK. And if I flash, it means I want to come by, if you just pull over.

Just get out of the way, right? You

really think that's going to happen?

What if I don't?

This has the same stupid gearbox as the Aston Martin.

But you don't have to have it.

You can save yourself £8,000 - £8,000! - and have a proper manual.

It's a little difficult to use words like "awesome"

and "very, very impressive" when you're used to Formula 1 cars.

After that, anything else is sluggish.

But for what it is, it's a very impressive beast.

The nice thing is you can dawdle

around in this car, going slowly,

and then just drop a gear and suddenly...

..you're in Schumacher mode.

I'd like to hear the engine again.

Listen to this.

ENGINE ROARS

Now it feels like a sports car.

Then, with the driving over,

we met up to make a decision.

The Ferrari. And for me, the Ferrari.

Yeah.

It's just more complete.

I think it gives you that shot of adrenaline, doesn't it? Which...

The Aston doesn't. And the power of that Ferrari is just immense.

I've never been in a road car where my head's been thrown back.

It just does that with your head.

That has got some serious acceleration on it.

It has got 515hp. The Aston only has 460. But the Aston's much heavier.

Weight kills acceleration.

But there are things on the Vanquish that I'd like on the Ferrari.

I love the way it looks. And the sound.

It disappointed me when I got in

the Ferrari - I didn't hear anything.

There's something that makes people

like you more if you're in an Aston.

You'd be allowed out of more side turns than you would in the Ferrari, where you're a bit of a Schumacher.

Mmm. And you don't want that.

So, Jeremy, you were doing 40mph?

Absolutely. We never exceeded the speed limit once in the entire time.

I have to say, it was for me one of the greatest days -

Ferrari, Aston Martin, sunshine, Damon Hill.

It was just heaven. And what made it particularly exciting

was that the local Isle of Wight

radio station decided to broadcast

that Damon and I were there with an Aston and a Ferrari.

I came round the corner, at 40mph,

and he's there with his greasy hair, "Here's me Rover, have a look." God!

Anyway, we herded them all off the road. It was just heaven.

But you loved the 575? The 575 is a fabulous car.

But the one I drove had the Fiorano handling pack which transforms the car.

Apparently, standard suspension is a bit soft.

But the Aston gearbox... The gearbox, honestly, it ruins it!

You think, "Just change it!". Cos it affects the second-hand value.

If you went out with loads of money, you'd struggle to buy a 575. What's the waiting list?

12-18 months. Pay a premium and you get it before. But a Vanquish I can get you next week.

Second-hand, you'll see them going for strong money, but trade one in and it's a different story.

I've heard of these going six months old with £50,000 depreciation.

So, the Ferrari is a winner as an investment and on the road,

but what about on the track?

It should be a foregone conclusion here,

but Stig had just bought a Boston CD and wanted to give it a spin.

We let him loose in the Aston Martin first.

Here he comes now, last little section,

crossing the line after Carpenter's Corner,

and it's one minute, 36 seconds!

Now, into the Ferrari with his Boston CD again.

One minute, 36 seconds to beat - the final corner here...

Is he going to do it? 1.36 and...

Predictably it is quicker than the Aston, but only by one second!

Is that all? One minute, 35.

I'm going to put that on the board. Behind the Noble,

but remember, it was wet - it really was horrendous out there.

That wouldn't put Stig off - he really tried.

About 140mph through this corner.

LAUGHTER

That's not bravery doing that -

that's just stupidity.

We've got a Formula 1 theme going on tonight, so this has entered our little world.

F1 teams are forever telling us that the technology on their cars

eventually filter down to the cars that you and I buy every day.

On that basis,

we'd all be driving a 1988 McLaren,

as driven by Ayrton Senna, and of course, we're not.

The only technology I can think of that F1 has given us are those

stupid gearboxes that we don't want.

Now, rallying's a different animal.

Sure, it has contributed one word to the English language.

Anyone want to guess what it is?

Anorak.

You'd know, sir.

It's not an Eskimo word - it's what people wear on the Welsh hillsides

when they're sitting in the rain.

But, rallying has given us a lot more - turbo charging, four-wheel drive...

And, if you went to a BMW showroom

and asked to buy this they'd say no.

But, you can buy a Mitsubishi Evo VII or a Subaru Impreza,

and this has been going on for ages.

You can buy Audi Quattros, Escort Cosworths or Delta Integrales.

Rallying gives us the cars AND a world champion.

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Burns!

Hello, Richard. Hello.

So, what are we going to do about Formula 1?

Try and make it as interesting as rallying.

Rallying's always seen as the poor

relation but it's become quite good.

Yes, there's more manufacturers and more people who can actually

win a rally than in Formula 1.

I hope more people will start watching.

It's been kind to you, let's be honest. I haven't done too badly.

You're earning twice as much as Jenson Button. I'm twice as old!

And you're a tax exile.

I am. A house in Andorra. I have. A girlfriend. Yes, so I need money.

And you've still got ginger hair. I cut most of it off!

Why do you drive one-handed? It's like you're not trying!

Use both hands - you'll go faster. It's got power steering!

But why do you do it?

I used to but now the gear change is on the wheel. Oh, it isn't!

Yes, sorry. It doesn't work!

So that's why you lost the

championship! Why have you lost it?

We've had a fairly average year and our team-mate had a spectacular one.

You have? Me and Robert. Oh, of course, you're a team.

He caused a good crash, didn't he? It was totally his fault!

I had a big accident recently in New Zealand, which was my fault.

The corner was too tight.

What happened?

The tyres had done about 60,000 - there was absolutely nothing left.

We slid, hit a bank and the nose dug down so we flipped about five times.

Hurt yourself? No. Have you hurt yourself at all this year? No.

So it's Colin McRae who does that?

Colin always tends to hurt himself. I hurt my co-driver - more sensible!

You've got a book out. What's it called? Driving Ambition.

As a youngster you didn't like pubs, and preferred to see rally people.

Yes, but then I grew up and I had that money you were talking about

and found out what all that was about, so now I do go to the pub.

If you don't live a normal life, you'll go mad.

I saw a picture of Colin McRae

tucking into curry sauce and chips.

I've never seen an F1 driver having curry sauce... They're not cultured enough.

Of course, what's it... Network Q...

Rally Great Britain. It starts later this week, doesn't it? Yes.

It starts on Friday.

You've won...? Three times. Three! You've done your research!

You've got a heater, haven't you? Yes. So you're comfortable.

Have you ever thought what it would be like

for the people who have to turn out and spectate on the rally?

I used to do that. You did? Yes.

I'm not sure that you've got it at the forefront of your head,

so here's a flavour of what it's like to be a rally spectator.

LAUGHTER

Right...

APPLAUSE

Now, we'll leave him out there

until his whole head's turned blue.

What about a car that's got nothing to do with Formula 1,

or with rallying?

The Nissan Skyline. It's basically a PlayStation with an exhaust pipe!

If you want to buy one second-hand, there's things you should know.

In the world league table of supercars,

Japan's only made one real contribution - the Nissan Skyline.

It may not have the pedigree of an Aston Martin or Ferrari,

but then again, it never had the price tag either.

But it certainly had the pace.

Whenever it went racing, it crushed the opposition.

In fact, in the Australian Touring Car series, they changed the rules so the car could be outlawed.

Its strength lies under the skin, where there's a 276bhp twin turbo

and an incredible computer-controlled chassis

that can be two-wheel drive or four-wheel drive when you need it.

It's all over for this techno titan as they've stopped building them,

and Japan's cut-price supercar is now only available as a second-hand buy.

There were three models.

The R32,

built in the first half of the '90s,

the R33, built between '96 and '99,

and the imaginatively named R34.

With a 0-60 time of 5.2 seconds and a top speed of 155mph,

it's the best of the breed.

ENGINE ROARS

Ooh! Oh-ho-ho!

Ahhhh. That was nice.

Not only is it blisteringly quick, it's almost idiot-proof to drive.

That computerised chassis can turn Maureen into Michael Schumacher.

It's a really clever torque converter.

Sensors on the wheels tell you how fast you corner or accelerate.

That information goes into a 16-bit processor. The car looks after you.

It doesn't half make it corner quick!

And the display -

as we drive along, we can check how many G we're going round corners.

We can check the er...turbo boost and we can check the torque to the front wheels.

It's going to keep you occupied for...

minutes!

A fantastic bit of kit. It really is...

a car for the PlayStation generation!

So, a big fan of the car. Yes.

We all are. Which one should you buy?

Skylines are mainly bought as play things, so if you're looking for one

you can find a car with low mileage that's had a few owners.

Basically, they wheel it out, do a track day and drive it home. Also, a lot are imports.

This means you lose service books and even mileages.

A little haircut on the mileage?

A little trim. Somewhere coming round past Dubai.

That's what's happening, is it? Yeah, it is. OK.

What kind of things are they known for?

They're well put together. A lot of things about them are very good but things can go wrong.

The R32 - the brake discs sometimes explode. Explode?!

What, bang! They disintegrate and they're £500 a pair to replace.

You don't want that. No. On the later cars - the 33s - you also get synchro problems on the gearbox.

To sort it costs about £1,000.

OK. And the 34?

It's pretty much bulletproof, but it is a lot of money to buy. How much?

£40,000.

That's as cheap as it'll go? At the moment, for a UK car. It will drop.

And the question of tuning them?

I've driven one that's 1,000hp.

Yes. The standard car's 276bhp which is plenty.

Chips means turbo wear.

A normal turbo lasts about 60,000

miles and costs £1,500 to replace.

Bumping that power up shortens the life of the turbo.

So you want one that's unchipped and unmolested, which is hard!

They're four-wheel drive. When you check the tyres -

they're £250 a piece...

That's £1,000 for all four. Yes. And they wear out on the inside.

Like an Escort Cosworth? Yes. 5,000 miles in an Escort Cosworth, the tyres are gone on the inside.

When people check, they go, "OK, there's tread on there."

You want to turn it on full lock and feel the tread on the inside, or else you're into £1,000. Good tip.

Which one do you reckon?

The 32, you can pick up for about £12,000, but they're quite old cars.

The 33, you can pick up for about £20,000.

The 34 is £40,000, so on balance, the best value car is the 33.

Cos it's about the same as the 34. Same Brembo brakes,

same twin turbo engine - OK, a bit older, but half the price. Brilliant! Let's do some news. OK.

The news this week for petrol heads is dominated by Formula 1 and how to make it more interesting.

Tricky - not so long ago, F1 looked like this:

COMMENTATOR: He's on the inside!

He's got the shorter line! He's got second position, they banged wheels!

He's off! He's off! And he's back again.

Rene Arnoux off the circuit.

And this is the last lap!

Wow! That was just the greatest race ever in Formula 1 - two bronzed men,

gladiatorial, fighting one another! That's quite scary actually, Jeremy.

The Formula 1 governing body met this week to decide what to do.

What they've decided is to do nothing.

At all? Cross their fingers and hope it's more interesting.

You came up with a theory to improve it -

get rid of all the electronic gizmos and effectively give us F1 unplugged.

Yeah. Not a bad idea. But we've a better one.

You've one point for qualifying on pole, one for winning the race

and a point every time you overtake someone.

It's brilliant.

Michael Schumacher would still be world champion.

He'd qualify on pole, get a point, then at the start of the race,

engage fourth, drop to the back and spend two hours overtaking everyone.

It's brilliant! Yeah, but if Coulthard and all the frontrunners are slowing up,

conceivably some idiot in a Minardi could wait and, vroom!

By the first corner they've got 20 points.

It'd be better to start at the back.

Qualifying would be how SLOWLY you drove!

The lights would go green and no-one would go! They'd just sit there!

It's a good job Murray Walker wouldn't commentate! The lights would go green...

Nobody would move. You'd sit and it would be chicken, "I'm going...now!"

It won't work. Here's one you may have seen.

A 19-year-old lad, he's just out of jail and has an electronic tag -

he's been stealing so many cars he's under curfew and can't go anywhere.

He has just won £9.7 million

on the Lottery.

Your point is?

Frankly, that proves there is no God. LAUGHTER

Talking of God, we requested men of the cloth to drive round our track -

we're looking for the world's fastest religion.

LAUGHTER

We've had lots of e-mails - here's a good one, from Rev Danny Wignall.

He says he wants to have a try and, "Did you know Jesus drove a Honda?

"Jesus says, in John's Gospel, Chapter 12, Verse 49, 'For I did not speak of my own Accord...'"

LAUGHTER

It gets better - Rev Phillip Sutton is also keen to come on the show.

He says, "Driving fast is a fine

Biblical tradition.

"The Bible makes clear that King

David rode a British motorbike.

"'The roar of David's Triumph was heard...'"

LAUGHTER

They're all Anglican, all vicars.

We've got one Methodist, which is good,

we're OK for Hindus, we've even had the Hare Krishna, but we still need Rabbis,

Imams... Buddhists. No, we're OK for Buddhists, we're down on Rabbis, so if you're a Rabbi, have a go.

OK. This week's Insider Dealing.

It's a funny time of year - it's when the manufacturers look back

and say, "We've seven weeks till the end of the year, will we hit our target?"

They all hang on to see if they will, but every year,

in the next weeks, they'll realise they're not and will do some deals.

My advice is, if you're buying a new car this side of the new year,

wait, let 'em sweat, yeah?

In three weeks they'll offer some blinding deals. Some manufacturers

this affects more than others? Yeah, the people down on the year.

We spoke about Alpha Romeo last week, Fiat, Subaru are doing deals.

You won't go into a BMW dealer and get a great deal

because BMW is up, Jaguar is up - it's those suffering in the market.

One good deal - the Ford Focus came out in October '98 in the UK.

It's been out four years.

When it came out it was £12,500 for the base model, that was a 1.4.

Four years on, you can buy a brand new five-door, 1.6, with air-con for £9,995.

The same as our Suzuki! That's a reasonable price!

Nice though the Suzuki is... It's looking dodgy! That deal runs till

15th January, so you don't need to have it this side of Christmas.

Get it in the new year? That helps the value.

Anybody who's fairly young who looks to buy a car will find the insurance premiums are really high.

You look at, even on a small car, up to £2,000, fully comprehensive.

So free insurance is worth lots of money.

Renault are doing a deal on new Clios - the cars are the Dynamic and the Extreme, 1.2 and 1.5 diesel.

If you're between 19 and 80, you can buy a new car and get free insurance.

For somebody of 19, that's worth a couple of grand.

What bugs me - this is my soap box - you'll see these deals advertised

and it'll look like you can buy a fantastic car for no money.

I saw one for a Lotus Elise saying, "Drive one for £199 a month."

It's like, "Let's all get one."

And then you look at the small print and the deposit is £8,000!

So if you make a big enough deposit, you can have anything for any price.

So this week only, I'm offering new Porsche 9.11 Turbos for £99 a month.

Phone me up! Of course, there is a small deposit issue of £84,000.

LAUGHTER

But £99, you can have a 9.11 Turbo!

Big story for me comes from the world of film and I'm not talking about Harry Potter. My children are.

Yes, I'm talking about James Bond.

New film, Die Another Day.

After 15 years of disloyalty, Bond is back in an Aston.

And this is it! Bond's Aston Martin Vanquish.

A Bond car has to do clever stuff - we've got the ejector seat in there.

At the front, the grille drops down and out come two machine guns.

Ooh, thank you. Then four missiles!

Four missiles? Oh yes.

For once, Bond is outdone by the baddie.

This is his car, a Jaguar XKR.

It doesn't have four missiles, it has 18!

It also has spikes in the tyres

and here are two heat-seeking missiles.

It also has central locking - you can lock the doors and the boot

by pressing a button on the key fob.

Behind the seats is a bulletproof screen which rises like so.

A Gatling gun - obviously!

MOTOR WHIRRS

That's a great Bond noise - kabun-chuka! I love that, but the piece de resistance is in the boot.

Open it up!

Mortar bombs in the back! Love it!

You absolutely had to, didn't you?!

Bond has sophistication and brains on his side.

The baddie fires his mortar bombs, from here, two shot guns...

GUNS CLICK

A rather pitiful noise.

Those and the front missiles gave them a problem when they built this.

So much space was taken up that underneath here... There go the guns!

..they had to get rid of the V12

Aston Martin engine. It was too long.

So they replaced it with this Mustang V8, it's that much shorter.

The good news is that because the Aston engine's gone,

so's the stupid gearbox! Look!

Bond gets an automatic.

If you had to do a three-point turn with the flappy paddles, the world

would blow up before you'd finished.

Despite the depressing difference in fire power, they're very similar.

They both have the Mustang V8 and were converted to four-wheel drive.

They had to be, because in the film they're driven on ice.

APPLAUSE

It makes xXx look pathetic. Does, doesn't it? Do you know where that was filmed?

The wide shots were done in Iceland, but the close-ups, Gloucestershire.

No! Little Rissington. Big on icebergs there, is it? Yeah, in June.

What really excites all of us

is that in this world of computer generation, they could've computer animated them, but they didn't!

They built them for real, actual Bond cars.

That got us thinking - we thought, "If they can do it, we're Top Gear, we can do it."

But it took 20 men eight months to make these.

Their budget for the four-wheel drive system alone was £1.5 million. Ours was?

Well, Jeremy, it's 300 quid. Exactly.

That has to include the car - we've bought that already - a Rover 820.

It cost £200, so we've £100 for the gadgets! If you've got any ideas...

Jeremy has some ideas, but all of your ideas are potentially lethal.

We need ideas that'll work, particularly for the ejector seat.

We've got a budget of £50 for that.

If you have any ideas for our Bond car, write to us at:

I've Got A Really Good Idea For Your Bond Car On The Cheap.

Or you can visit the website. Or text.

The marriage between Bond and Aston Martin is one of the greatest ever.

That photo of Sean Connery leaning against his DD5 in the Alps,

a publicity picture for Goldfinger, was just wonderful.

But since then, there has been an even better automotive marriage.

It's three days before Christmas

and I drive the Rover Vitesse back to the Royal Norwich Hospital.

You can't park here.

I've got permission because I'm distributing a large box of toys.

Shall we meet the man who put Alan Partridge in a Rover Vitesse?

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!

APPLAUSE

How are you?

I'm very well. Good, have a seat. Thank you.

Of course,

the great news is Partridge is back!

Is he? Yes, tomorrow. He's on our screens. Great.

Is he still in his Rover? Not any more.

We'd laughed enough at Rovers.

By rights, Alan would probably be

in a Jaguar now, the small X-type.

However, that's not funny, so we thought we'd put him in a Lexus.

A Lexus? A Lexus because the word Lexus...

AS ALAN: "I drive a Lexus."

It sounds funnier than, "I drive a Jaguar."

Who'd like to see a clip? Yes.

Wye-aye, look, a Lexus.

That's a better one than yours. It's amazing the number of Lexi you see.

That's the plural.

The Daily Mail. Yep. Arguably, the best newspaper in the world. Yeah.

Nice Lexus. Yes, I love Lexi.

I have a thing I say about Lexus. BOTH: It's the Japanese Mercedes.

I hate Mercs. People who drive them are just sa-a-aaad.

LAUGHTER

Are you wearing Lynx? Well smelt. Voodoo. Java.

Alan Partridge. Dan Newman. Nice to meet you.

Fantastic.

So he hangs out in petrol stations?

I used to work at a petrol station,

one of those where we still served the customers.

So people who liked to have their oil changed came into our garage.

Bernard Manning used to come in,

in a white Lincoln Continental with white plastic seats and a white steering wheel.

And a white vinyl roof.

He'd come in, and probably because he couldn't get himself out,

he'd lower the window and go, "Fill 'er up, sunshine, and watch the paintwork."

The thing about Partridge, he's made a video.

Yeah. I can hardly wait to see it.

There's a bit of Alan's delivery in the car crash video

that I probably owe you money for because you inspired it. Oh, God!

These videos are called, one of them he's released is called, Crash, Bang, Wallop, What A Video!

It's one where the camera speeds towards his head.

AS ALAN: "Crash, bang, wallop, what a video!"

LAUGHTER

It's that intonation of finishing a sentence and going...

HE DRAWLS ..like that, at the end.

I've created this monster?

I wouldn't give you the credit! Oh, no.

You're partially responsible.

My favourite pairing, man and machine, was Gareth Cheeseman.

Do we remember him? A top character.

Here's a clip to remind those of you who can't remember the magnificent show.

Here it is.

You're number one.

You're a tiger!

R-r-r-a-a-a-a-ah!

Now, does anybody remember what car he drove?

INAUDIBLE

Exactly, he drove a Ford Probe. Do you know what happened to its sales figures after that programme?

I know it wasn't hugely successful.

No, but it was a hugely successful

vehicle. That was November '95. Yes.

The year before that, they sold 6,200.

Shortly after that went out,

or immediately after that went out, 2,400. Really?

You killed the Ford Probe,

and if anybody's watching from Lexus, don't bother going to work. You've had it.

How much of an anorak are you to be able to put them in the right cars?

Unfortunately, I'm a lot of an anorak.

At the Motor Show I was looking at

people with their bags of brochures, thinking, "God, you sad bastards."

Then I realised I was carrying one!

Volvos, you're particularly good on. I am cos my dad has always driven Volvos, so I'm quite good. OK.

What we've got here is a pile of Volvos. OK?

I'm going to pass bits to you and I promise we aren't cheating.

We're going to find out if he's as good as he thinks.

Hardest one to start with.

OK, that's the hubcap off, I'm pretty certain it's off, er...

the 122, the Volvo 122? No, later. Later?

One, er... You're right with the one. I'm impressed.

It's one...one...

144? A hubcap from a 144! What years was the 144 with us?

Um, the 144 went from, I think, '69 to about, er,

about...about '76 when the 2-series took over.

This is amazing. OK, this. That is... First of all, do you know what it is?

That is the interior armrest of a 2-series Volvo, so, a 245?

No, no, it's earlier, I'm afraid. This is off a 145, 144?

Yeah, it's off a 144.

OK, but let me just add - this may be off a 144,

but earlier... Hang on. No, no

yeah, I'm mistaken, it is off a 144. LAUGHTER

Right. It's a door. I know, yeah. I know that. You know it?

The seals used to go here and here.

There should be a frame attached to it.

Interestingly, the frame was only attached on later models.

It was bolted on this one. Ah!

I believe that to be the case. I'm very impressed.

But that part is common to both the 1-4, er, 144, 145 series and the 1-6...

No, because the handle...

LAUGHTER

There was a chrome pull door.

It stood out from the door, rather than flush like that.

Yeah.

So it's either a late...144, 145

but it could equally be, you could fit that to a 244, 245.

You have to bear in mind

the 244s had the welded door frames.

So it's a, it's a 144, a late model.

OK, that's a steering wheel off...

It could be off an early 240-series but it's more likely to be off a 140. You're absolutely right.

That's a 144 and this is stunning!

Sounds though, door slams?

Well, I can tell the difference between, not lots of door sounds,

but I'm a fan, I know you're not,

but I am a fan of the 993 Porsche Carerra and of the build quality.

Also, the old Porsches, the bolts they used were this long.

On the 996, the bolts are this long

cos that's when they were made to share lots of parts.

So, if we play the sound of a door closing... The 996, I could tell the difference.

OK.

CAR DOOR CLOSES

One.

CAR DOOR CLOSES

OK, the first was a 993, the second a 996.

He's right.

APPLAUSE

There's a very definite click to the 993. That's what it is, is it?

Yes. We should swap seats!

Then I'll have to be Alan Partridge. I'll have to dress like you!

You're not just here to identify bits of car,

but to drive round our track. Every week, we have a star in a car,

that's the Suzuki Liana, £9,995, with a roll cage in there.

Earlier, you did that. How do you think it went?

Er... Oooh, er...

Well, it was absolutely bucketing down, so let's find out.

JEREMY LAUGHS

I should write my will, I suppose, but I don't have time.

Any idea how fast you got up to down here? I've no idea.

Glad I cleaned my teeth! There's a gradual build up of terror there.

That's quite neat, and there you are.

These are the times we've had from everyone who's been on the show.

Stig's still 1.46. It was wet. Some people have gone round in the dry.

We've only had one wet one so far. It was Ross Kemp.

He did it in one minute, 54 seconds.

That's your bench mark time. Do you wanna know...

Go on. ..how fast you were?

One minute, 53 seconds!

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Yes! We can put that here.

Coogan.

One minute, 53. Ross Kemp's going to be so angry. I beat Ross Kemp!

Right, now, we've got Richard Burns standing outside at the moment.

We're letting him know what it's like to be a spectator on a rally in England or Scotland or Wales.

We can see a picture of him now.

There he is, chilled to bits and nothing much happening.

He's waiting for the Nova to come bumbling by. There's the gravel!

A face full of gravel!

That's basically rallying, Richard. That's what we have to put up with.

We'll leave him out there for a bit longer. Thanks for coming, Steve.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan! Thank you.

We've noticed something recently.

All of the Formula 1 manufacturers, with the exception of Ferrari,

make a mid-range two-litreish four-door family saloon.

Honda, Toyota, BMW, the lot. We got them all together to fight it out.

This is not F1. Look at that grid.

There are no girls dancing around in their pants,

there's no throng of celebrities and I'm wearing corduroy. This is real life.

BRAKES SCREECH

Later on, the Stig will drive all these cars round our test track

establishing which is the fastest in our sales rep F1.

But we need to set up the grid order to see who's on pole or at the back.

We'll do it according to value, quality, image and handling.

Renault Laguna. Renault's Formula 1 car had enough innovation to win an F1 season.

Shame they didn't.

Just like in F1,

the Renault lags behind the rest on power.

And then there's the handling.

Lagunas have always felt as if they are aimed at comfort, not speed.

Actually, they can surprise me.

They roll and lean a lot but they grip and they can get a move on.

Let's see what the Stig does with the Laguna.

The Laguna was the first car ever to win a maximum five stars

in the respected Euro N-CAP crash tests.

It has technological gizmos too

like on-board tyre pressure monitors.

All right, so the build quality is, er, French which isn't a good thing.

But it's loaded with technology and it looks pretty good.

It's a chance to drive something a bit different.

So the Laguna makes a good case for itself.

Ford have, and have had, links with several teams,

not all of them with big budgets.

Their latest Mondeo has a distinctive feeling of quality to it.

It is an excellent drive and it has a lot to offer as an all-rounder.

But it is still a Mondeo.

Toyota's the newest team on the F1 grid, with a huge budget.

Their Avensis is the oldest car here. It's also ugly.

It's endlessly reliable so you'll have to suffer millions of boring miles before it dies.

Those miles will be spent in an interior that will only get shinier and nastier with age.

It's got a good engine but it will be starting from the back of the grid.

Jaguar haven't been shy about spending skiploads of money on F1.

It's only just paying off.

So how will their cheapest car be?

As in F1,

the Jag has one of the most powerful engines. It's a two-litre V6,

with 157bhp. 0-60 in 8.9 seconds.

And like F1, the Jag isn't blighted by handling problems.

That's despite this being cheap with the two-wheel drive at the front,

rather than four-wheel drive.

The £20,000 X-Type is Jaguar's go at getting an affordable prestige car

onto the sales rep's shopping list.

It gets miserable and miserly on kit.

This sat nav with touch screen operation is gorgeous.

You don't get that or the 32 other optional extras fitted to this car.

You don't get much Jag for £20,000.

It's a very good car, the entry level X-Type.

It might be small but it's enough Jag for anyone. That's the problem.

It's enough Jag. But you want much, much more than enough Jag.

There's something for me of the rather annoying social climber about the small, cheap Jaguar.

Mercedes haven't enjoyed the best of years in F1.

Usually renowned for their engines, it never measured up to the handling.

They've put new motors in the C-Class.

From now on, two-litre C-Classes come with a supercharger.

Will it be enough for it to take on its arch rival, the BMW 3 Series?

If you took Ferrari out of the equation,

BMW would have been the best in the season.

They've got the most powerful engine but need more research.

Or rather their F1 partners Williams do.

The best engine on the grid has been let down by the car's handling.

In fact, it's the opposite of the F1 cars.

The handling's great, it's a BMW

but power is behind the rest of the pack at just 143bhp.

It's heavy. 60mph takes 9.3 seconds. I'm being left behind.

As the third of our affordable prestige cars,

again, they're stingy with kit.

And it's the only one with something of an image problem. When did you last smile at a BMW driver?

It catches up a bit with handling.

It grips and the suspension set-up is fantastic.

It should do well on the track.

Just one more car before we rearrange the grid.

Honda have had a disappointingly mediocre season.

Certainly a long way from their glory days in F1.

Back in the real world, they've launched the new Accord.

The Honda Accord hasn't had a glamorous profile.

They're not as posh as a Beamer or a Jag

but not as everyday as a Laguna or a Mondeo.

They're well enough put together. It's still not exactly exciting.

It's not down on power with a two-litre VTEC engine and 155bhp.

That places it near the front of the field.

So it's got plenty of kit, it's got prestige. But unlike F1, the Accord is a world of compromise.

Here is our starting grid rating according to real life.

At the back, the Toyota. It's old, ugly and boring.

The Mercedes C-Class is next. You get nothing for your money and it's not the best drive.

The Laguna's five-star crash test rating brings it up to here.

It's nice to get a Jag for not much money but you don't get any kit.

Here's the benchmark. The Mondeo is still one of the best in the class.

Well-built and a good drive.

The BMW 3 Series is rear-wheel drive and well-built.

At the front to give it a chance, the new Honda Accord.

That's how we rate them but what will the Stig reckon?

It's a different kind of F1. There's seven cars and only one Stig.

So the Honda? Yes. In the real world, it's about compromise. It's got a bit of prestige,

enough kit and a good engine, that VTEC.

And reliable, they're well-made.

If you want a safe car, you'll get the Laguna.

To show off, you'll buy a Mercedes C-Class.

If you want to take a minicab, you'll buy the Toyota.

The most important thing we have to do now, which is the fastest? Time to see what the Stig did.

The Jaguar has a good engine and a good chassis. But it was the slowest,

not helped by a sulky traction control system.

The Avensis and the Laguna were about the same.

Both were beaten by our favourite in the real world, the Honda Accord.

BRAKES SCREECH

Next the Stig tried the Ford Mondeo.

We knew it had a wonderful chassis

but it turned out to be a full three seconds faster than the Honda.

That leaves us with the two Germans.

The C-Class Mercedes, with 20 more bhp than the Ford, but it was nearly two seconds slower.

Can German pride be restored by the ultimate driving machine?

BMW 318i, rear-wheel drive, perfect weight distribution.

And an astonishing result.

It was a full two seconds slower than the Ford.

The Mondeo is the quick one.

Maybe the engineers are working on the road car and the tea boys are making the race car.

That's amazing. Most weeks, the guests come on,

do their chat and get back in their limos to London.

I've just noticed Steve Coogan is still here,

hanging on to the bitter end.

I'm afraid it is the bitter end now.

Next week, Jonathan Ross is here.

Heaven knows how he'll see where he's going with that hair he has.

We'll be looking at the ultimate cars money can buy.

I'll be doing this in a Bentley. Good night!

Can I go now? What? Can I go? No! Three-day rally, stay there.

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2002.

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk