All language subtitles for Top_Gear_Series_1_-_01._Episode_1_p00yzpg2_original

This is a car programme.

There will be no cushions.

There will be no rag rolling.

No-one will sing.

And at the end of the series, no-one
will have a recording contract.

This is our new base.

And this is our
purpose-built test track.

There are no traffic jams here.

Well, apart from this one.

And no bus lanes, either.

This is Top Gear.

MUSIC: Jessica
by The Allman Brothers Band

And in the show tonight
I put two supercars head-to-head.

Jason Dawe on what to do
when car dealers attack.

£5 short of three grand.

Richard Hammond will try to
beat a speed camera.

And a star in a reasonably
priced car.

Hello. Now, two family hatchbacks.

The Ford Focus
and the Volkswagen Golf.

Both have five doors, both have
1.6-litre engines,

and both cost around £12,000.

That's how much family
hatchbacks cost.

Or do they?

You see, on Top Gear
we found one you can buy in Britain,

no tricks, brand-new,
for less than £9,000.

This is it.

It's the Citroen Berlingo
Multispace.

And, I admit, it's a
curious-looking thing.

That's because it started
out in life as a van.

All they've done is add some
windows here, sliding door,

some snazzy seats, where the
cement used to go, and, hey presto.

Garnish it with some metallic paint,
some alloy wheels,

and you can even have a diesel
version for £8,995.

Thing is, though,
are you getting what you pay for?

Is it like cheap wine?
Will you wake up with a headache?

Well, to find out, I took
it down the M20 to Booze Burrow,

for a trip to those
supermarkets of Calais.

First impressions are that I'm
driving a van.

It's quite echoey in here,
and not terribly refined.

Most central locking systems,
for instance, these days, they go

"Bzzt" or "Krrr".

But listen to this.

RATTLING AND CLANKING

It's very uncouth.

In essence, then,
the Berlingo is very loud.

Very Van Halen.

But there is a softer,
Van Morrison option.

For the same money, you can have
a 1.6-litre petrol engine,

which develops the same
power as a Mark 1 Golf GTI.

With that under the bonnet,

this would feel much
more like a normal car.

But how many normal cars have you
ever come across that have got

green dashboards,
with green dials?

And how many normal cars are there
with five glass panels in the roof?

And these roof bars,
which swivel sideways,

so you can carry a bicycle?

Whatever a bicycle is.

No doubt about it,

the Berlingo is turning out to be
astonishing value for money.

# And fortune comes in threes... #

It is possible to buy a number
of other cars for Berlingo money.

But none of them will be this size,
none of them will be

this well-equipped, and none
of them will have something

that we're really looking
for on this new series of Top Gear.

It's an X-factor.

See, this - this is
a perfectly acceptable car.

But this... I don't know,
it's more than a car somehow.

You'd want to bring it in at night,
let it sit by the fire.

Give it a saucer of warm milk,
a little wheel to run round in.

It's got the most important thing
that a car can have - character.

And now the coal is
back in Newcastle.

The Berlingo is back where
it came from.

And I still can't find anything
really wrong with it.

The turning circle's not much cop,

and there's a fair bit
of road noise.

It's not terribly sporty, either.

But it is very comfortable.

Hand on heart,
it rides like a Jaguar.

# Hook me up a new evolution... #

I could go on all day, giving you
swings and roundabouts,

but the fact of the matter is,
basically, I like it.

Right, here we are at one of those
Calais hypermarket,

cash-and-carry booze warehouse jobs

and, boy, have I got
the car for the job.

Let me show you what I mean.

We've got storage space up here,

up here and here above the driver.

In the back, there are two extra
glove boxes,

and then,
if we slide that open,

we've got a cubby hole
here under the floor.

And another one there.

Then we simply fold the seats
down like so

and we have a cavernous boot.

And I haven't finished yet,

because if we open the tailgate,

there's another overhead locker here

for a further
ten kilograms of booze.

So...let's shop.

I want, erm, that one.
That case, there.

It's all terribly exciting,
all this cheap booze,

but you have to be careful because
if customs suspect you're bringing

stuff back that's not for your own
personal consumption,

they'll confiscate it and your car,

and they're currently confiscating
30 cars a day.

So I caught up with the shop's
owner and his girlfriend

to talk about this.

Because I was reading in the paper

that if I were to put 500 bottles
of gin in the car,

which I'm legally allowed to do...
Absolutely.

..customs have said, "Well, you'd
never get through all that."

How can they say that when
Maggie Thatcher

told us to stock our larders up?

I mean... With 500 bottles of gin.

Yeah, but if you drink a bottle
of gin a day,

that's only a year
and a half's supply.

That's not a lot.

Fizzy Liebfraumilch.

I don't think I'll be able to
convince customs

that's for my personal consumption.

No.

Other people were going berserk,

perhaps cos they didn't like
their cars very much.

Perhaps they wanted
to have them squashed.

The trouble is, I really am
very...very fond of this car

and I don't want customs
to crush it, so...

There we are.

I saved a few quid.

Well, pence.

Now, I should explain at this point
that other vans are available.

There's the Fiat Doblo,
which is a trifle cheaper than this,

but I think I'm right in saying
it's the slowest-accelerating car

that money can buy in Britain
today - 0-60 is 21 seconds.

Then there's
the Ford Tourneo Connect.

That's over £10,000.

You don't even want to think
about that, it's so awful.

And then there's the Renault Kangoo.

That's OK, but basically,
it's not as good as this.

You have to have a Berlingo.

The question is, diesel or petrol?

Well, to help us decide that,
I've been joined now by

Top Gear's new car trader,

pocket-sized chap Jason Dawe.
What do you reckon?

Petrol. Really? Yeah,
don't bother with a diesel.

Makes it feel too much like a van.
It did feel like that.

Going down the motorway,
there was the "grrr" noise

and you just think, "Look,
I've saved enough money here."

You can save even more
at the minute. Really? Yeah.

They are doing a facelift on
this car,

which means they'll change
the bumpers and bonnet

and a couple of bits, but it
will basically look the same.

What it does mean is Citroen
have some old models.

They need to get shot of them.
These ones, basically? Yeah.

This car? Yeah.
So, what are they doing?

They're doing a deal.
You can get all of that off.

So that means instead of 8,995,
you can get a 1.4 for 7,700.

77 for one of these? 77, yeah.

That's the bargain of the century.
Cheap as chips.

Good tip.

Right, if I could just sum it up,

it's like Gerard Depardieu.

Slightly swollen middle,
broken nose,

but there are hidden talents. And
it's not just me who likes it -

everyone in the Top Gear
office likes it.

All the crew here like it.
Everyone, apart from him.

He doesn't like it very much,
but everyone else does.

And the people who like it
most of all

are the family of Albanians that
I inadvertently brought back

into Britain in each of
the wheel arches.

They've written to me from their new
house in Leatherhead, The Hollies,

to say that it will always hold
a special place in their heart.

Great car.

You know how,
when you're making up a list,

as you do,
of the world's greatest race cars?

You've just got to include
the Ford GT40,

and here's a reminder of why.

So, they built one of the most
successful race cars ever, great.

But that gave them a problem,

because try as they might,
they struggled for years

to build anything remotely
as glamorous ever again.

Until they came up with
a really good idea.

The best car to replace
the Ford GT40 was the Ford GT40.

I mean, this is the new car and -
come on - you're not fooling anyone.

It's, OK, four inches higher
and 18 inches longer

than the original GT40,

but it is a GT40.

Basically, they put the plans for
the old car on a photocopier

at 110% and said, "Enlarge."

But it is a lot cleverer
than the old one.

It's loaded with technology.
Take a look at this.

Do you want to see the engine?
Right, there it goes.

That's going to take a moment
or two. In the meantime,

you've pulled into
a petrol forecourt,

obviously everybody's going to
be looking at you,

but if they're not,
this should tip it.

Have a go. Here we go.
Let's get to the fuel. Look at that!

That's just to put your petrol in!

That's unbelievable.

We can possibly squeeze in
and have a look at the engine now.

It's a 5.4-litre V8 supercharged.

That's about 500 brake horsepower.
That should be enough.

Bear in mind, this is a very,
very light car indeed.

But take a look inside.

You've got to have a look.
This is just...

It's just breathtaking.

Look at the switches.

Each one looks hand-carved
from a lump of aluminium.

And the gaiter round the base
of the gear lever.

Look at that! None of that nasty
rubber full of bits of biscuits

and old chocolate.

Of course, this isn't real.
It's a pretend one.

I don't know what it'll be like
when they make it.

Yes, they are going to make it.

Ford have announced this week

they will be putting this
into production.

But it's going to be expensive.

It's going to be on sale
in America from 2004

at about $150,000 apiece.

And you're going to be very, very
lucky even if you've got the money

to get hold of one.

They're going to be incredibly
exclusive.

Basically, you're going to have
to know somebody at Ford.

Other items in the news this week...

The government has announced that
it's going to spend £145 million

on the road network over
the next five years,

which works out at
£29 million a year

and that's enough to pay for three
and a half miles of motorway a year.

Wow. Think of the freedom
we can enjoy with that.

Three miles a year.
Looking forward to it.

I'm excited. Three new miles
of motorway. Car news.

Fiat, first of all.
They are in deep trouble.

They're currently losing
£2 million a day.

Well, they've got a new model

which they think is
going to stem the flow.

There it is. Look at that.
They're saved.

They've saved it.
They'll be fine with that!

It's an Estate version of the Stilo

and it is actually very important
this works,

because if Fiat goes to the wall,

they will take with them
Lancia, Alfa Romeo,

Maserati and Ferrari - and of course
they won't go to the wall

cos they're going to get
bought by General Motors.

So, if you don't buy one of these,

General Motors gets Ferrari.

It's that simple. So buy one.

News now of the new Micra.

A rather gorgeous-looking
little thing, as well.

Mm!

AUDIENCE OOHS

That's actually not it, though.
That's the only thing. Ah.

Lovely though it is.
They will do that eventually.

This is going to be the new Micra,
which is...

Well, it's all right.

That's not bad. I've always quite
liked the Micra, myself.

The important thing about it,
though, is, loaded with technology,

even in a small car.

It's even going to have -
and you've probably seen this -

keyless entry, so you walk
up to the car...

I've got some experience of that
and there is a slight problem,

because you keep a little
smart card in your wallet,

you get out the car,
push a little button, doors lock.

You walk away and you think,
"Is that locked?"

So you walk back to check, of course
it recognises the smart card,

sees you coming, it's open.

Er...

You could be there for days!
You could.

The only way you know whether it
wasn't locked is someone nicks it.

Yeah, that's the only way
you'd find out for definite.

Now, this.

We all know the Smart, the one
that's been around for a few years,

the one you can park nose-on
to the pavement,

but now they've got
delusions of grandeur,

and they've launched - I think
we've got some footage of it here -

two versions. There's a coupe

and there is a cabriolet.

Now, the cabriolet's interesting.

You've got an electric folding roof,

rear engine
with a turbocharger on it,

you've got rear-wheel drive,
big, fat alloys,

antilock brakes, traction control.

Basically just like a 911 Turbo.
Yeah.

OK? Except a 911 Turbo is £90,000.

This, the car you're looking
at here,

11,750. What?!

AUDIENCE OOHS

That was the least convincing "ooh"
noise I've ever heard in my life.

Wow. I mean, 11,750.
That is incredible, actually.

If this is the future, now, here,

I'm not scared of that any more.
You can bring it on.

Take as much of the future as you
like. That's stunning. 11 grand.

Take a moment now to talk about
Formula 1.

What are we going to do about
Formula 1?

MAN: Might as well scrap it.
Scrap it.

MAN: Kill it. Kill...
No, the problem I've got...

I've been working out - the problem
here is very simple,

is that Ferrari have completely
dominated the...

Now, we've got a photograph of what
Michael Schumacher's going to do

next year to try and keep it...
There we go, look.

LAUGHTER
That's what he's going to do next
year to try and level it out a bit.

But, really, the problem as
I see it is

that the teams have taken over,

the technology has taken over.

Now that they've got traction
control and gearboxes that change

for you... And I heard the other day
that the teams, the pit crews,

can actually tune the engine
from the pit wall.

What, no spanners? Oh, no.
We'll turn the revs down a bit.

No, one of them developed
a fault, a BMW one,

developed a fault
and they rerouted the oil

without actually bringing it in.
They did it remotely.

And you just think,
"Where's the driver?"

The driver is the big hero.
He's the guy I want to watch.

It was like the Second World War,
you had fighter pilots,

they were the big heroes. After
that, they were racing drivers.

I want to see heroes. I don't want
to see geeks in black clothes

going, "Ooh, well, if I
just fiddle with this laptop

"we'll make it go faster."

In fact, I'd execute them.

LAUGHTER

I would. I'd shoot them in
the back of the neck with a 9mm.

I want to see drivers... Take...
I want Formula 1 unplugged.

Rip out all the technology
and give us proper racing again.

CHEERING

Do you know, Jeremy, that...

That was strangely touching,
your desire for heroes.

I'm just fed up with this.
I don't blame Ferrari.

I can't blame them.

They built a better car, they won.
Just get rid of all the technology.

It's, "Aargh!" I think
computer-animate the entire sport

and get rid of them all
in real life.

Right, here's some stirring news
for us,

in that it's a very stirring car -

the new Bentley Continental GT.

That is a very, very big car indeed.

I think it's gorgeous.
You're a bit...

It's fine. It's got a slightly
Vanessa Feltz-y rear.

LAUGHTER
Yeah, there is something of her.

But the important thing about
the car is the engine, right?

Powering that is a W12.

Massive engine.

It's the same engine they put in
the Volkswagen Phaeton,

which I've already driven at
200 miles an hour.

Exactly. They decided at Bentley,
not enough girl stuff.

Strap a couple of turbos to it,
see how it'll do then.

Which is great, but it's given them
an interesting problem.

It's now chucking out
so much torque,

that they can't tell us how much
torque it's putting out.

Every time they strap it to the
machines they measure it on,
it breaks them.

These are the size of
a building, these machines.
They strap it down, tie it all in...

You could tie it to this base here
and it would spin
the whole studio around.

That's exactly what would happen.

So, unfortunately, they can't
tell you how powerful it is.

Just lots and lots of torque.

Now, bit of a challenge.

Old people get quite bad press.

We're forever reading about them

driving the wrong way down
the motorway.

I think we've got some
footage from a CCTV.

Here we are, little old dear.

Oh, no! Going to the seaside.
Oh, no! Brake! Brake!

Oh, no! And she's... Didn't do it.

And of course, she turned out
to be 170...13. Yeah.

The thing is, though,
we don't think that old people

are as bad as everyone makes out.

So, here's what we're going to do.

We know grandmothers can
make a doughnut,

but can they do one?

And a doughnut is...
Here's the footage, OK.

Here's me going round and round in
a TVR. That is a doughnut.

Now, if you're a grandmother -

and you have to prove you have
grandchildren -

and you think that with a bit of
tuition you could do that,

drop us a line.

The address is...

Or you can look on our website,
which is on an internet.

Somewhere. Somewhere.

Right, that is enough old people and
enough money-saving Citroen vans.

Let's have a look at this.
Excuse me.

This is Italy's newest supercar from
Italy's newest supercar maker.

It's called a Pagani Zonda.

And it is exquisite.

It's exquisite on the inside, too.

Look at this.
Just a wall of aluminium

and shammy leather and carbon fibre
and look at these air vents.

They're like periscopes.

Erm, anyone want to see the engine?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Right, well, let's hop out
and we have to...

Could you just grab the other side?

You have to undo
the leather buckle -

very 21st century -

push the little button, OK?

And there it is. Look at that.
AUDIENCE OOHS

That's a Mercedes-Benz
7.3-litre V12.

You want to hear it? Yes!

Problem is, health and safety, OK?

They've told us we mustn't start
cars in the studio, all right?

But I don't think they'll hear.

Ready? Foot on the clutch,
Jeremy. That'll help.

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think we got away with it.
I don't think they heard us.

Now, do you want to know what
it feels like to drive?

Yes! Watch this.

The similarities between the Zonda
and an F15 fighter are obvious.

Both have glassy bubble roofs at the
front and a lot of engine behind.

And both have styled
exhaust outlets.

There is one difference, though.

In the F15, you don't get much
sensation of speed.

Whereas in the Zonda, you do.

The key to this car is its engine.

It was built especially
for Pagani by Mercedes

and it is a masterpiece.

For me, a huge chunk of a car's
appeal is the noise it makes

and the noise this one makes
is just astonishing.

ENGINE REVS

Oh, ooh!

But even better than
the baritone backdrop

is that under the super-light
all-carbon-fibre body,

you have a
555 brake horsepower wallop.

Not since the Germans
and the Italians teamed up

in the Second World War

have we seen power like this.

The top speed in fifth is nearly
200 miles an hour.

But I'm moving out of fifth gear now

and into top gear.

And now my top speed
is 220 miles an hour.

Whoa, a bit of a twitch
on the braking.

And, oh...

Whoops.

This car is an immense achievement.

Plainly, it's very well-made.

It's astonishing to behold.

I mean, really astonishing.

Can't believe that Pagani's come
from nowhere

and come up with this.

It's a proper, proper supercar.

In fact, as I see it,
it only has one problem.

It must face up to the new
Lamborghini Murcielago,

the latest in a long line
of raging bulls

from Italy's maddest
supercar maker.

It's the ultimate automotive pin-up.

Or is it?

Ever since Audi bought Lamborghini,

I've been worried that
the Germans would try to

bring a bit of order to the chaos,

that they'd try to sanitise
the madness.

This is the first Lamborghini where
you don't need to have the body

of Jean-Claude Van Damme
to drive it -

look, you can change gear
with one finger.

And the steering doesn't feel
like it's set in concrete.

And the clutch...

The clutch is like stepping on
a marshmallow.

However, some elements
of Lambo-ness do remain.

It still has the ultimate pub
car park accessory -

gull-wing doors.

And check this out.

When the engine gets hot,

air-intakes slide out of
the buttresses.

Then, there's the meat.

The engine.

It may only be a 6.2-litre V12 -
the Zonda's a 7.3, remember -

but, amazingly,
this is more powerful.

It serves up 571 brake horsepower.

So, this has more grunt,

but this has less weight.

So which is the fastest?

HE SIGHS

Well, let's find out.

ENGINES REV

Four-wheel drive means that I have
to get the car rolling gently

before flooring it

or I'll cook the clutch and...

Oh-oh-oh!

120.

Into fourth.

Look at that Zonda go!

I'm being annihilated!

150.

Into fifth.

And that's 160,
and I have been destroyed.

Destroyed!

So does this mean, then,
that Audi has turned the raging bull

into a timid little veal?

No.

Not even slightly.

What they've done is turn it
from a supercar

into what feels like a small, nimble
razor-sharp sports car.

The old Lamborghini Diablo
was like a chest of drawers

with a jet engine, but this...

This, you feel like the organic part
of a machine.

This is by far and away
the best Lamborghini ever.

Not just the prettiest
and the easiest,

but the nicest to drive.

It's so good, it's better
than any current Ferrari.

But astonishingly,
it's not as good as the Zonda.

This is the new king of supercars.

So that's it, Jeremy,
you are saying the Zonda

is better than the Lamborghini,
job done, end of story.

Yes, if you're six years old,

and you're looking to
put a supercar on your bedroom wall,

this is the one, you're going to
put this up, not the Lambo.

Yeah, small point -
six-year-olds buy posters.

What if you're actually
buying the real cars?

There is a bit
of a price issue here.

A small one, I admit.

Yes, the Lamborghini is around
£160,000,

and this is £310,000.

Right.

But, in its defence,

you do get a free pair of shoes
made by the Pope's cobbler

with this, and...

LAUGHTER

No, no, you do.

More than that, you get 12 months'
free membership of the RAC.

12 months?

LAUGHTER

12 months free?

I'm not joking,
you get 12 months free.

But I want to be the one
who makes that call.

I want to break down,
M6, February, Friday night,

"Hello? Yes, it's my Zonda,
it's gone.

"I think it's the engine management.
You'd better bring a laptop."

Right, well, there's one final test
for this, the Zonda, and the Lambo.

Now, let's face it, nowadays
0-60 times, absolutely meaningless.

Top speed figures,
totally meaningless.

What really matters is how fast
a car can lap a test track,

and fortunately,
we've got our own test track

for that very purpose.

So this is it, just under two
miles of fast straights

and tricky corners designed
by the test drivers at Lotus.

This one, Chicago Bend,
is a steady state corner

that really loads up
the outside tyres.

Then there's Hammerhead,
a tricky left and right

that provokes understeer.

This one, Follow-Through,
is supposed to be flat out,

but death awaits the first man
to try it.

There are corners with tricky
bumps and cambers

designed to test brake balance,

and in this one here,
a badly set-up front wheel drive car

will struggle to put its power down
at all.

Right, that's the track.

Now we needed someone
who could tame it.

So we got ourselves
a professional racing driver

who could post consistently
fast lap times.

We, erm...

We couldn't do that.

Now, we call this thing The Stig,
OK?

We don't know its name,
we really don't know its name,

nobody knows its name,
and we don't want to know,

because it's a racing driver,

and racing drivers
have tiny little brains,

and therefore worthless opinions
and they're very dull.

Doctors actually call it
Mansell syndrome.

Its job is simply to go out there
and drive fast,

so first of all,
we put it in the Lamborghini.

Immense power,
as we've already discovered.

You've got four-wheel drive,
you have to trickle it off the line,

then nail it.

Right, coming over that
little light lift now,

and he's coming through
Willson Bend,

let's see, does it step out of line?

He's into third.

Ooh, look at that, look at that!

Massive, massive oversteer right,

and through the Hammerhead,
no understeer at all.

Incredible. Big oversteer, trying
not to hit those tyres on the left.

And he's through!

So how does it handle
Carpenters Corner?

This is where
you really want to nail it.

Oh, look at that!

Every power car that goes
around our test track

is going to set a lap time,

and we're going to put those lap
times up here

on our power lap time board.

And the Lamborghini was?

1 minute 29,
which is extremely good,

so I'm going to put that up here.
OK, fine.

Now, we know the Lamborghini...

Jeremy, I can't get
"Lamborghini Murcielago" on here.

A simple "Lambo"
will perhaps suffice.

I think I might have to.

There we are, 1.29.
OK, it's on.

Now, we know that the Pagani
is faster than the Lamborghini

in a straight line,
we've already seen that,

but the Lambo, I've driven it,
is faster round the corners,

so let's put The Stig in the Zonda,
see what happens.

# You see the sky... #

He's coming into the first corner
here, how's it looking?

Oh, it's looking a bit wobbly,
but...

Oh, is he still on the track?

Yes, he is. Now he's got to get it
right the way back across

the other side to get it...

This is the hard one.

Look at that, he is really
having to fight that car.

Even I found it difficult
through there.

Now he's coming up really,
really hard and fast,

he's hard on the brakes,
110 metres, that's 150mph,

all the way down into second gear.

He's actually going to have to use
first on this car.

How much is the understeer through
the Hammerhead Corner?

God, he's actually managed to
get some oversteer there.

Good Stig! Well done, Stig.

It really is quite a drive,
this one.

Right, Follow-Through, let's listen.

No, little dab of the brakes there,

he's gone through the Follow-Through
without following through,

and fighting the wheel
up through there,

a little bit on the brake there,
on the power...

Oh, that really is wet out there
for this one.

Now a dry bit here...
No, it's still wet. Look, bit damp.

Brake hard!

And he's into Bacharach Bend,

breaking again now
for Carpenters Corner.

Tail slide, but he's
still kept the power on,

and he's done it.

I should apologise for the
easy listening soundtrack

going on there. It's The Stig,

it likes to listen to the sounds
of the lounge as it goes round.

We've no idea why.
Perhaps it calms it down.

Anyway... Grim, but no need
to apologise for that time.

1 minute 23, that is six seconds
off the Lambo's time.

And the incredible thing is it must
have made it up in the straights,

all that time, because I know,
I drove both cars,

the Lambo's faster through
the corners.

That is where it has the power.
1 minute 23.

I honestly can't see that being
beaten throughout the entire series.

I think we've peaked.
Neither can I.

But if you think you've got
a car which is faster than that,

if perhaps you've tuned it,
implausible, I know,

but there you go, if you think you
have, why don't you get in touch?

You can either use text messaging,

which you have to have a cellular
telephone for,

or write to us using a quill,

or go on an internet.

Right, there is a story going round

that says if a car goes fast enough
past a speed camera,

when the second flash goes off, and
it needs that to verify the speed,

the car won't be there.

It's going so fast,
it will have left the shot entirely.

So in the name of
scientific endeavour,

and under controlled circumstances,
we had a go

so that you don't have to.

We've got together everything
we need to do this.

A piece of track,
straight, obviously.

We've got a speed camera.

Oh, and a really fast car.

And The Stig to drive it.

Honda Civic Type R.

Lots of people have got these.

It'll hit 60mph in 7.2 seconds
and go on to a top speed of 146mph,

but will that be enough
to beat the camera?

# Raindrops keep
falling on my head... #

So how fast was that?

Well, I've got the pictures back.

It was 129mph,
and here's the first flash.

There is our Honda Civic doing 129.

Plainly in shot.
And the second photograph.

Ah. It's still there.
Still there.

So 129 isn't fast enough.
No, that won't do it.

But we didn't give up,
we had another go,

and we'll do that later on. Good.

Now, when most comedians-cum-actors
make it to the big time,

they buy themselves
a big-time car.

Rowan Atkinson, for instance,
bought himself a McLaren F1.

Steve Coogan got a Ferrari 355.

Norman Wisdom...

Well, forget that one.

Anyway, our guest tonight,
when he made it to the big time,

he bought one of these.

Are we ready?

Right, here we go.

Look at that.

It is a Vauxhall Cavalier
convertible.

Plainly, this guy was devoted
to making people laugh

even when he was on his way
to the supermarket.

Shall we meet him?

Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Enfield!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Harry, how are you?

What in God's name possessed you
to buy one of those?

It's an absolutely lovely car.
Very reliable motor, the Cavalier.

But I did feel like a bit of a,
you know, because I had sort of

become slightly famous,
and you find yourself...

It's the only convertible I've had.

You go up to the lights
in the middle of London,

because I've always lived in London,
sitting at the lights

and you have got the roof down, and
people crossing the road in front

of you, and they look in
and they see it's you.

SILLY LAUGH

"You, innit? Loadsamoney!"

SILLY LAUGH

And you're just stuck there
because the light's red.

Look, here, there is a magazine,
the convertible correspondence

for the Vauxhall Cavalier
Convertible Owners' Club.

You appeared in this,
and this is my favourite bit,

under "famous owners."

An occasional feature.

They haven't been able to find
anyone since who's got one,

and you said it was better
than a BMW.

Did I? Yeah.

Well, I think it is.
It's better than a BMW.

MAN SHOUTS OUT: Yeah.
Yes.

Which bit of it did you think
was better than a BMW?

Well, I think I thought the price
was better than a BMW.

LAUGHTER

Fair point. Probably.

Interestingly, when you decided
that it was time to part with

the Vauxhall Cavalier convertible,
you were getting even more famous

at the time, you went backwards
and bought a Rover 200.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Again, what in God's name
possessed you to do that?

Because most work in our industry
is done in Soho,

and there was a shop in Soho
that sold Rovers,

so I went in there
and bought the Rover.

Forgive me, Soho,
it's close to Park Lane,

on which, from memory, there is
Aston Martin, Jaguar, BMW,

Lexus, McLaren, and so forth. Right.

Right. You could have gone to
any one of those shops,

not to the Rover one
and bought a Rover 200...

But the Rover was IN Soho, and they
were about half a mile away,

and you know, they're...

So is this why you swapped the Rover
for a Metro?

Yeah. Same place.

LAUGHTER

When you are going round to, say,
see Rowan Atkinson

or whoever at the time,
in your Cavalier or your Metro

or your Rover, did they say,
"Harry," and take you to one side,

maybe try to
give you some advice...

No. In fact, it did
actually happen once.

I never talk about sort of...
but I do have an abiding memory

in my head of driving round
to Rowan's house...

This sounds very showbiz, but it's
the only time it's ever happened,

and Robbie Coltrane was there,
and Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie,

and they all had nice cars,
and I arrived in my Cavalier.

And they were all outside,
it was a nice day,

and they were all talking about
each other's cars,

and they looked at me,
and I looked at them,

and no-one ever mentioned it.

Just no-one ever mentioned
the car, none of them, ever.

Anyway, what have you got now?

Now we've got a Mercedes estate.

Very nice. Very nice, yes.

It's very small. And?

It's too small.
And my wife has got a Mini.

Very good.
Have you seen this?

Yes, I want that car,
it's called a Volvo.

I want that car.
It's got seven seats...

Oh, there is a picture
of it on the screen.

That's a Volvo.

Because I'm not allowed to drive,
my wife likes to drive,

so I have to sit in the other thing,

and at the moment,
I sit in our car like this

with an airbag here.

This one looks very big.

I either want this or the BMW one,
which we tried out,

it's fantastic. No, you don't.

It's great, it's fantastic.
I assure you, you don't want that.

It's the ideal car
for my wife to drive,

because she's got blonde hair
and we live in Notting Hill,

and that's the car
that people drive.

You're not just here to chat today.
Aren't I?

No. Because earlier today,
we had you doing some work.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

You see, the thing is, every week,
we are going to run an item called

A Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car.

We've got the star, obviously.

What we then needed
was a reasonably-priced car.

Now, we talked to Hyundai,
they said no.

We talked to Nissan, they said no.

We talked to Daewoo, they said no.

Then we talked to Suzuki,
and they said, "Sure, have a Liana."

£9,995 on the road.

In fact, it's over there, there
it is, and what a beauty it is.

The most beautiful car
I've ever seen.

IMITATES CLARKSON: In the world.

In the world, absolutely.

And the idea is that every week,
our star will take that round

our test track, see how fast
he or she can do it,

and then we'll post that time
on a board,

and at the end of the series,

we'll be able to name
Britain's fastest celebrity.

Trouble is, of course, we weren't
going to let you out first of all,

I had to try it with the other guys,
and, er, this is what happened.

Go!

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

34mph.

No, look at this, it's going well.

I once drove a supertanker
that was a bit like this.

Similar circumstances?
We're going off, we're off.

We're off the track!

Bit of track with us there.

Which is a paint job.

Anyway, we got the tracking fixed,
and the gearbox,

and I posted a time,
even with big Jason in the back,

of 1 minute 50 seconds.

Now, we're currently
cutting your lap in the edit suite,

we'll be showing it later.

How fast do you think
you might have done it?

I don't know, but it was very fast.

Was it? Yeah.

I can't remember what comes next.

Oh, I know, we're going to see

if we can get that car to go through
a speed camera.

We're going to try
and beat a speed camera.

So do you want me
to stay here or go?

No, have a seat.
Roll your sleeves up.

Great. Would you like a drink?

Yeah! Chill.

Earlier on, in the name
of scientific endeavour,

we tried to see if it was
possible to go fast enough

to beat a speed camera.

We used a Honda Civic Type R,
it did 129mph,

and it was still there
for the second flash.

You might think this thing
would be the one to do it in.

It wouldn't, it's only
a pretend one, 20mph, tops.

So we got hold of a faster car.

Right, then, this should be
worth a go, the Mercedes CL 55 AMG.

At 89 grand, not only does it
cost as much as a house,

it's nearly as big as one.

But it'll still do 60mph
in 4.7 seconds,

and it'll cruise all day at 155
as easily as your car will do 30.

But will that be enough?
Let's find out.

Go on, then.

# What's it all about, Alfie? #

Well, we've got the pictures back,
and here they are.

148mph, and, oh, dear,

there he is in the first one,

and still there in the second one.

That isn't fast enough, we're going
to have to try and go even faster,

and we will do that.

OK, so far in the programme,

we've shown you how to save money
on a family hatchback,

we're trying to save you some money
on speeding fines

by showing you that if you speed
up, you can get around them,

and now we're going to give you
the biggest money-saving tip

of them all.

There's been a lot of talk
in the newspapers and on the radio

these last couple of weeks about
people running their cars,

diesel engine cars, I should say,
on vegetable oil.

There's been so many people
trying it that up north,

one supermarket chain is now
rationing the amount of oil

that it will sell to individuals.

Now, the thing is that you CAN
run a car on vegetable oil,

and it's not completely brilliant.

However, I've been joined
here by Jason Taylor.

You reckon you've got
a little additive

that makes the whole thing
better, yeah? Yeah.

So what we've got here
is some normal vegetable oil?

That's used vegetable oil
from a Mexican restaurant.

Used? Used, yeah.

Why used?

Well, we find it gives it a bit
of better power to the engine.

Really? So all these bits,
we have to strain those out,

obviously, so put that over here,

one of these J-cloths, OK?

And in we go.

So that'll collect the bits.

Look at that.

And you reckon this'll work?

Yeah, it's like Golden Elixir,
that stuff.

LAUGHTER

Does it make the car smell a bit?

It is actually,
different restaurants,

you can tell
what you're running it on.

LAUGHTER

Seriously? Yeah.

So if we run a car on this,

it's going to smell
essence of where it came from?

Yeah. OK, that's in there
like that, fine.

Now, what have you worked out
you have to add to that?

Right, well, just to make it
a bit more runny,

you add a solvent,
and for this experiment,

we've got a non-kerosene-based
white spirit. OK.

It has to be non-kerosene-based
for tax reasons.

OK, and how much do we have to
put in?

In 97ml of vegetable oil,

put 3ml of that in there.

So that's about that much. Mm-hm.
OK, let's just pour that over here.

OK, so we add that.

OK, and then we whisk it up.

Actually, you don't
really need to whisk it, but...

So is that ready to go now?
That's ready to roll.

Well, no, you should let it stand
for at least a week or so.

And how much does that cost
for a litre?

About 3p plus the tax.

Oh, you have to pay tax? Mm.

If you didn't tell Customs
and Excise, that's 3p.

If you do tell them...
You have to tell them.

Oh, of course,
you have to tell them.

You have to tell them. Right?

And how much
are they going to charge?

26p, but check with your local
Customs and Excise office.

That's about 29p a litre.

You've got to fill
a couple of forms in. Yeah.

29p a litre. Do you have to
modify the engine?

No. Just any old diesel will do?

Yeah. And it's fine?

Yeah. Performance?

The same as diesel,
maybe even better.

And you reckon we could tip that
into a diesel car and it'll work?

Yeah.

Got to give that a go, haven't we?

This is a Volvo 740.

In the front, there's a diesel
engine, and in the tank at the back,

nothing, it's empty.

Listen.

Start the engine...

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Can't start the engine, no fuel.

And we can verify that, look.

Here we have
an independent adjudicator.

You'll verify there's nothing
in there?

There's nothing in the tank.

We've drained off 25 litres,
it's completely empty now.

Right, brilliant. Well, if we go
round the back and look in the boot,

we find a big container
full of vegetable oil

from El Rio in Macclesfield.

Now, we have added
a splash of white spirit,

and he's going to pour that
into the tank.

Right, it's now been converted
from a car-nivore into a herbivore,

but of course, being a diesel,
you can't just start it,

you have to bleed the system first,
which you've done?

All ready to go.
System bled, no air locks in there.

Good, let's close the bonnet.

If you want to step in,
and let's see if it starts.

If it does, I shall be astonished.

ENGINE STARTS

That's amazing.

Go, go!

£1.50 a gallon, and it's working.

Wow. It's actually still going
round out there. And is it green?

Environmental? Yeah.
Apparently so, yeah. Wow.

Anyway, Harry. Big news.
Your lap has been edited.

Do you want to have a look?
Yes, please.

Who'd like to see Harry's lap?

ALL: Yes! OK, here we go.

Hope I don't die. Ready, steady, go.

It went skid. 30mph!

Now I'm going at 40mph.

50 miles... Blimey.

Oh, yeah, that's supposed to be...

Take that down. Wahey.

And nicely controlled.

Whoa!

Little foot on the brake.
A little tiny bit.

And into second. Lovely.
Take it round, into second.

Heh-heh.

Yes, I can feel some kind
of braking thing happening there.

Me, braking the car.

And oh, yes, whoa, hey,
I lost control of that.

Nice. That was fun.

Finished. I'm the winner!

In a race of one.

APPLAUSE

There were a couple of things
I want to bring up on that.

On one of the corners, I think
it was Bacharach Bend there,

the tail was out.

You're a bit of a hypocrite, you
came off the bloody circuit. I know.

I'm saying, this is praise.
Oh, this is a good thing, is it?

It's a good thing!

Here I was, Cavalier Convertible,
Metro, Rover 200, I assumed,

father of three,
I assumed that you'd be useless.

Well, I was useless.
No, but you weren't!

You put your foot on the brake,
and it doesn't skid,

it's got that ABS braking thing.

Yeah, that'll do, yes.
So you go, eeee!

In the third, because it doesn't
really go in fourth.

But it's very nice. That's
what I call a proper A-to-B car.

Want to know how fast it was?
I reckon... Shall I guess?

That was 1:48, I was 1:50. 1:47.

LAUGHTER

I've got some disappointing
news for you. Oh, no.

Enfield, I just put you up here,

you're the very first
star in a reasonably priced car.

Enfield, two minutes, one second.

And that's only 11 seconds
off the pace, and that's not bad.

I've been driving around there all
day. There you go, put you there.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Enfield!

APPLAUSE

Right.
Time now for some insider dealing.

Jason, what have you got for us
this week? First of all, the Mini.

Great news for Harry.

At last after his appalling
run of bad luck with cars,

he's bought one that's good news.

The car has been out for about
12 months now,

the first of those cars
are actually starting to be listed

in Glass's Guide and CAP,

and incredibly enough,
the basic model, the Mini One,

which is this one, was just on
£10,000 when it was new.

Today that car
as a used car is worth £10,500.

So you could run one for a year,
10,000 miles,

and sell it for
more than you paid for it?

And make a profit. £500.

I mean, that sometimes happens
with expensive cars,

Ferraris and Porsches.

Yeah. But something this cheap,
it just doesn't happen.

That's astonishing.
Think how sick I'm feeling.

Should have bought a dozen of them.

The problem is, the same thing's
happening in America,

they've just shipped 20,000 over
there, they sold out in...?

15 minutes, I mean, ridiculous.
Gone. All gone, yeah.

So it really has been a success.
What else is there?

Well, Subaru,
everybody knows the Impreza Turbo,

when the car first came out,
it was a great-looking car,

but that's the one we remember,
unfortunately, the ugly one.

That's the one we've got now.
That's the one we've got now.

Now, that car's only been out
for just under three years

but it's been doing
so badly that Subaru realised

it had to change the way
the thing looks.

It's actually got a face-lift coming
out in February of next year.

Which everybody knows about.
Everybody knows about.

The problem is,
they've got stacks of these.

So they're going to do something
about it and what they're doing is,

they're taking three grand - three
grand - off the price of these cars.

So, how much is it now? 18,995. You
can buy a brand-new Subaru Turbo...

Seriously? They will do that,
you walk in, you just go,

I want 3,000 off that,
they go, certainly, sir.

They've dropped it by three grand,

that's before you do any discount
and negotiation.

The most you'll
pay for one is 18,995.

And then there'll be a new,
pretty...

I mean, you could just buy
that, kick it in the headlights,

make it look better anyway...

That's fantastic news.

Good news if you want to buy a new
one, they are so cheap.

But the problem is, when something
new drops in price,

you've got to reflect that
in used-car values as well.

But I haven't got a used Subaru,
so why do I care?

Because if you were going to buy
a used Subaru, you shouldn't.

You should wait for a couple
of months.

Wait for these to flood the market

and you'll save yourself another
couple of grand on a used one.

Brilliant. What else?

XC90, the SUV, the new Volvo SUV.

It's coming to the UK
in about November time.

Volvo have made a major error
with this car,

because the car's just so good but
they're only going to make 3,500.

3,500 for the UK for the whole year.

If you divide that by 220 dealers,

it works out about one car per
dealer per month.

Which is nowhere near enough.
Which is nowhere near enough.

I was talking to someone from Volvo
the other day

and he said, I think we'll only
make 50,000.

I just thought,
I can't believe that,

because they've got a Volvo, pretty
popular, make it an off-road car -

well, a sort of off-road car -
and that's really doubly popular,

and they're going to put seven
seats in it, three rows,

still space behind for a Labrador,
or any other sort of Sloaney dog,

and then they've got
TVs in the back,

they've got separate hi-fis
so you can listen to tapes

in the middle seats and stereo
and radio in the front -

and then they said, "I don't think
we'll sell many of those."

Even though it's £12,000 less
than an X5. Potty.

So, Harry, hang onto your Mini
and buy a Volvo

and you save so much money
you can buy the Cavalier back.

LAUGHTER

Mazda have made precisely two
interesting cars in recent years -

the MX-5, which is a sports car
for girls and blokes who like ABBA,

and the RX-7, which was good
but a bit daft.

So, news of a new Mazda sports
saloon, ooh,

is hardly going to excite anyone

outside of the Frimley Green
Bowls Club, is it?

MUSIC: Stem
by DJ Shadow

People don't buy Mazdas because they
desperately want a Mazda.

They buy them because, unfortunately
for them at that particular time,

it suits their needs.

In that sense, Mazdas are like
sink plungers -

you don't really want one,

but sometimes you've just
got to have one.

Mazdas are good cars
for shy exhibitionists.

You could drive one butt naked
through any major town

in the world and
not an eye would be batted.

They're practically invisible.

The Mazda 6 needed an image,
so it got one,

and it looks fantastic.

Mazda confess quite openly
to leaning over the shoulders

and cribbing from BMW and Volkswagen

but they haven't been stupid enough
just to turn out a straight copy.

Oh, no.

The interior doesn't look like
a Japanese copy of a German design -

this is a Japanese design,

they've used their own ideas,

and the changes are much more
than merely cosmetic.

They haven't messed around for
this car,

they haven't just tweaked
the old 626

and launched it as an all-new motor,
this is entirely new.

So, there's a whole new range
of engines.

This is a 2.3l four cylinder job.

The figures really aren't that good.

On paper, it's about 166bhp,

if you're interested,
0-60 is claimed in nine seconds.

Ho-hum.

But that doesn't tell
the whole story.

The point is, it's tuned so that
it's a constant power delivery,

it's mid-range, it's always there.

It feels like a bigger,
lazier engine than it really is.

And then there's the handling which,
well, where did this come from?

This is a Mazda, yeah?
Are we quite sure?

It goes round corners
really, really well.

It just grips and grips.

If anything,
it's encouraging me to misbehave,

and I particularly like that.

This is incredible.

It is exciting to drive,
and I was really not expecting that.

It's just such a shock,

like discovering someone
really grey and average,

like John Major, is a shagmeister.

One blip does make itself abundantly
clear pretty quickly -

it's quite noisy.

As soon as you head off in one
direction for any length of time

with any speed on, there's a lot of
road rumble and wind noise.

That's going to be bad news
when you get to the motorways.

So, how much will it cost?

Well, the cheapest BMW 3 series
is 18,695 quid,

and for that, you'll be lucky
if you get the sun visor.

This is the top-spec Mazda 6,
it's got everything on it

and it'll cost you 17,995 quid.

So, will value for money cure Milton
Keynes man of his BMW addiction?

Probably not.

This is still a Mazda,

people will think of it as a Mazda.

So, no matter how good it is,
let's be honest,

a life of luxury and excitement
in the south of France

does not await the Mazda 6,
I'm sorry.

For you, it's going to be a life
of harrying up and down the M5,

the M4, service stations,
cheap motels.

But it makes me feel good that
at least we've brought it out here

for a final damn
good thrashing, a final day out,

a final fling before you begin
your life of misery and servitude.

Now, I've driven this car

and I couldn't believe how brilliant
it was. It just feels so tight.

It's sharp and it's a Mazda. I know.

And £700 cheaper than a BMW.

Another £700 saved tonight.

With more power and more kit.
Quite an achievement.

Right, more science.

Final attempt at this,
we've been trying to prove,

is it possible for a car to go fast
enough to beat a speed camera?

So far, all we've proven is it's
really, really difficult.

We had a racetrack
with Stig to drive the car,

really fast cars haven't done it.

We're going to have one last go.

So far, yes, I agree, we've failed.

But we haven't disproven the theory,
just that we need a quicker car.

Something like this.

A TVR...

..Tuscan S.

Remember,
this would be a crazy thing to do

if we weren't using a professional
racing driver on our own test track.

MUSIC: Close To You
by The Carpenters

Notice something? No flash.

It never went off,
it was going so fast,

over 170mph, the camera
never saw it. Seriously? Absolutely.

So, we've proven,
it is a mug's game,

you need two miles of track, you
need a car that'll do over 170mph,

but in the name of science,
we did it.

CHEERING

And on that happy note, we have to
start winding up the show.

The vegetarian car is still
going round outside.

Next week,
I go to Wales with an RS Focus.

We've got Jamiroquai frontman
JK coming here

to try and go faster than
Harry Enfield -

and you know you're always seeing
people with motorbikes

trying to see how many
buses they can jump?

Yeah? Well, next week,

we're going to see how many bikes
we can jump with a bus.

See you then. Goodnight!

But it's called a Nissan Mildred.