Original subtitles

Narrator: At a karate

studio...

Jump on it like a monkey in a

tree, you little bastard.

[ Laughs ]

Narrator: On the

boardwalk...

Now you relax here.

Use your butt to massage her.

I'm just gonna bring it home.

Shake it all out.

Narrator: And on the

street.

Get your face as close to his

face as you can.

That guy is just standing

there.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: And tonight's big

loser will face the most

humiliating challenge yet.

Excuse you.

Oh, my god!

Never seen anything like it

in my life.

[ Laughter ]

[ Pop! ]

We are here at

tiger schulmann's karate,

teaching a kickboxing and a

grappling class.

We're doing this in teams.

It's murr and Joe versus me and

sal.

We got to do what they say.

They got to do what we say.

I'm ready to karat the

[bleep] Out of them.

You guys look like a couple

of great senseis... not.

Hi, everybody.

I'm shisho James. Shisho Joe.

Okay. So, we're gonna start

with just some basic moves.

All right, listen... we're

gonna play out a scenario, guys.

Let's play out a quick

scenario.

Pretend one of you is a

bully.

Let's pretend, for example,

one of us is a bully.

Hey, man.

Hey.

That's my parking spot.

I was there first.

Well, eff you.

And he goes in for your waist,

right?

Using your body weight... right

down... boom!

Go for the attack.

He pulls me in. Seatbelt locked.

All right, this is the

seatbelt... seatbelt.

Start rolling around.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Say, "all right, class.

Pair up and start rolling."

S we want to get everybody

to pair up.

Use your momentum.

Twist and roll. Twist and roll.

One roll... you only can do one

roll.

Okay.

What if the attacker comes in

from behind?

Murr, jump on his back.

What do you do in this

position?

Drop to the floor... right.

That's right.

Right down.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, guys.

Now move over to the punching

bag.

Take a knee, everybody.

Take a knee.

Here's how you deal with a

bully.

Let's say this is the school

bully.

Double-team that bag and just

go to town on it.

So, you're just gonna take

turns really getting at him...

[ Laughter ]

Go nuts. Go nuts!

Just going to town on him

and telling him, "you can't have

my lunch money!"

Jump on him, murr.

Jump on it like a monkey in a

tree, you little bastard.

[ Laughs ]

That's how you take a [bleep]

Down.

So, there e four places that

we always want to protect.

What are they?

They're your face first, right?

Touch his face, Joe.

Face first... you always want

to protect it.

Keep your hands up.

Second place... neck.

Touch his neck.

Always keep your chin down.

Third place is what?

Solar plexus.

That's right... your chest.

And the fourth place is?

Yes, your groin... correct.

Touch his groin.

Touch his groin.

No.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Nice teammate, murr.

How you doing, everybody?

Ready for a good class?

Sal, show them what not to

do.

Show them how not to slap a bag.

You do not want to do this.

Okay?

And then back into position.

[ Ding! ]

You're not gonna win a fight

doing that.

Let's do another one.

Okay. We're gonna show you a

new move, guys.

New move.

We're gonna show you a move

called the "you go, girl."

All right. All right.

Why don't we do some of the

newer stuff?

You want to do some of the

new stuff?

Guys, get down in a guarded

stance.

All right.

Now, when he's gonna strike

me, I'm gonna do what we call

the "y go, girl."

"You go, girl."

Come down with your right to

strike.

Swipe it away.

Say, "unh-unh."

Unhnh. Unh-unh, girl. No.

Go ahead.

Tickle fight!

Tickle fight!

Tickle fight! Tickle fight!

Tickle fight! Tickle fight!

[ Laughs ]

Is someone gonna help me?

[ Ding! ]

We know his kryptonite now.

Joe's kryptonite is Murray's

balls.

America's... amer... america's

kryptonite is Murray's balls.

Do you think that you still

have game?

As I get older, I care less

about everything, and that's

appealing to women.

Women's expectations have

dropped, and we fit right where

they're looking.

We're in a real sweet spot

right now where we don't care

and women our age don't care,

either.

Yeah.

We're coming to you live from

Times Square.

We will be playing TV

reporters, but we will be the

worst TV reporters ever.

Why?

Because we're telling each other

what we have to say and do.

Yeah. It's a clip-on.

[ Laughter ]

Sal's going in.

Sal's going in.

Would you like to be

interviewed for TV?

Would you like to be interviewed

for TV?

Yeah.

All right. Cool.

Have you taken any vacations

this summer yet?

I'm actually on vacation now.

Y-You're here... so, you're

not from New York City?

No, I'm from here, but I live

in Dallas, Texas, now.

Wave your hand behind your

butt, as if you just farted.

Where do you recommend people

to go if they're visiting

Dallas?

[ Laughter ]

Sorry. Sorry.

Tell me about what you've

learned so far and what you want

to do with that degree.

Sal, start drooling.

Possibly just...

Um... um... just, basically, uh...

You have... you have a little

dribble.

Drooling... perfect.

[ Ding! ]

From Times Square, this is

James Murray, and today i'm

talking to...

Smitty.

If you had to live somewhere

else other than New York, where

do you think you would move to?

Touch him in as many places

as you can with that microphone.

Have you been there before?

Keep going.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Have you been following the

heat wave as it strikes across

the southwest?

Has the temperature affected

either you or your lovely mother

here?

Has the temperature...

[ Laughter ]

Come on, say it.

Has the temperature affected...

Has the temperature affected,

uh, uh...

Re we rolling? Great.

Have you been following the

heat wave as it rikes across

the southwest?

Has the temperature affected

either you or your lovely mother

here?

Has the temperature...

[ Laughter ]

Come on, say it.

Has the temperature affected...

Has the temperature affected,

uh, uh...

Say it.

Has the temperature affected

you physically at all?

[ Buzzer ]

What's your name?

Nick.

Nick. Joe.

Pleased to meet you.

Joe, keep mumbling

"squeeze it" when he talks.

What do you think's better to

get here... the buses or the

ferry?

Squeeze it.

[ Laughs ]

That's two long trips.

Squeeze it.

Somebody coming to New York...

What's some things they need to

do?

Squeeze it.

Eat cheap.

Eat cheap is one. Okay.

And then some sights they need

to see?

Squeeze it.

It's so creepy.

Let me ask you a quick

question.

Joe, hold the Mike up to his

mouth and just look at each

other.

Don't say anything.

[ Laughter ]

Just wait. Wait him out.

Get your face as close to his

face as you can.

[ Laughter ]

That guy is just standing

there.

People are crazy, man.

[ Laughter ]

And that's all from

Times Square.

[ Ding! ]

All right. What is your name?

What is it?

Okay.

I'm gonna call you "Sammy."

I'm gonna call you "Sammy."

How about how hot it is, huh?

So, this is nothing for you,

huh?

Oh, you love to talk, huh?

You love to.

Is she still talking?

She's still talking.

He gave her the microphone.

He's walking away!

Taxi!

He's hailing a cab?

[ Laughter ]

What is she doing?

She's still talking.

[ Ding! ]

Murr didn't fool anybody with

his reporting skills or his

bow tie, okay?

I just put it back on!

No one ever wants to talk to

q.

Well, no.

"Least approachable" goes to

you.

'Cause you got those beady eyes.

I don't trust you.

Yeah, you do.

They're always darting

around.

They're always like...

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Murr is two in the

hole and on the fast track to

loserdom.

We're at the pharmacy, where

we're gonna have to approach

customers and convince them not

to buy something.

How are we gonna do that?

By using a random reason that

the other guys give us.

But wait, folks!

This is a joker-versus-joker

challenge.

Oh, yeah!

Whoever pulls the pink has to

play.

Booyah.

Let's do it. Don't look.

Don't look.

Ha!

All: Yeah!

All right, murr.

Let's do this, buddy.

I wouldn't get that brand if

I were you.

This one?

Yeah. No, no, no, no.

Not at all.

Yeah, I'll tell you why I

wouldn't get it.

Nazi Germany.

I wouldn't get these mostly

because of Nazi Germany.

I don't know if you know

Nazi Germany.

It's a little-known fact that

Eva braun, who was

Adolph Hitler's wife, had a baby

who survived after the

third reich was overthrown by

the U.S. government.

And that baby... she used to

wipe with this brand.

So, it's a little bit like if

you buy this, you might be

supporting Nazis.

What?

Yeah. Crazy. I know.

I might get these.

That's... you know, that's

comparable, and, for me, it's...

I've always been, you know, just

a supporter of the allies.

Wow.

It's your call, man.

It's your call.

Buy the wipes.

Come on.

Buy the wipes. Eff Murray.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Hold on one minute.

[ Record scratches ]

Well...

Did he just use it?

I like to stay as far away

from Adolph Hitler as I can.

Your call, man. Your call.

By all means, if you want this

one, get it, but it's just, you

know...

Take it. Take it from him.

Take it from him.

Take it from him.

Take it from him and buy it,

sir.

I know it's a tough one.

It's like, you know, "do I

support a third reich, or do I,

like"...

No, I don't.

"you know, spend an extra

50 cents?"

So, what do you say, man?

You gonna switch to my brand?

That's my man. That's my man.

That's right, man.

Let's fight racism at its

source.

[ Ding! ]

All right, sal.

You've got the woman in the hat.

[ Laughter ]

Get her, sal.

Oh, that's a... that nail

file?

Yeah. Metal.

Metal.

Yeah.

Um...

[ Laughs ]

Mm.

I wouldn't get that particular

Emery board.

Because of prison riots.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

I don't know if you'll really

care for it.

It's easy to conceal.

I'm in the middle of... sorry.

[ Laughter ]

Hi. How are you?

Great.

It's been such a long time.

Yes.

[ Laughing ] What's going on?

Oh. Thank god.

Yeah.

I'm the caretaker.

Who is she taking care of?

There she goes.

She's buying the Emery board.

I'm trying not to lose.

I got someone.

I'm out here busting my hump.

I got "thank you for being a

friend" in my head.

[ Laughter ]

Really?

I'm losing 'cause I'm getting

granny-blocked?

Get a vehicle. Drive.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Well, murr came out

victorious.

That's right.

I just have a sharper tongue

than the rest of you.

That's what my mom said.

All: What?!

That's not right!

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: For sal, the

pharmacy was a prescription for

failure, but can he beat out

murr for dead last?

Sal has got the worst luck.

How about the time you parked

your car away from everybody

else and when we come out,

there's a homeless man sleeping

on your car?

[ Laughter ]

We're on the boardwalk,

touching people.

Well, professionally.

We're giving them free massages.

Right. While that's

happening, we have to do and say

what the other guys tell us.

Whoever gets the least amount

of tips loses.

Let's go rub some people.

He's good at that.

I'm creeped out by how good he

is.

All right, murr.

You're up, buddy.

Ma'am, we have a promotion on

the boardwalk.

What is your name?

Mary.

Mary?

Yep.

James.

Okay. I'm gonna work the neck

area first.

I'm gonna give you a

neckgasm.

And, uh, I'm going to try to

give you a little bit of a

neckgasm.

No. My dad's over there.

He might punch you.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, I don't want to get in

trouble with your dad.

Anything on your body that's

particularly stressful today?

[ Laughs ]

Everything.

Your spine is all sorts of

messed up.

Your spine is a little bit...

A little bit screwy.

It's turned away from your

cornhole.

[ Laughs ]

The spine is supposed to go

straight...

Down toward the cornhole.

[ Laughter ]

Making a left turn, like a...

okay.

[ Laughs ]

All right.

You have been a peach.

If you feel so inclined to give

me a tip...

Don't tip him.

Don't tip him.

We do have a tip jar there

if you've got any interest.

Does she realize what he was

I've never gotten a massage

in my entire life.

You go into a room in a towel.

There's a stranger greets you,

and three seconds later, they're

massaging your inner thighs?

[ Laughs ]

Anything on your body that's

particularly stressful today?

[ Laughs ]

Everything.

Your spine is a little bit...

A little bit screwy.

It's turned away from your

cornhole.

[ Laughs ]

The spine is supposed to go

straight...

Down toward the cornhole.

[ Laughs ]

Making a left turn, like a...

okay.

All right.

You have been a peach.

If you feel so inclined to give

me a tip...

Don't tip him.

Don't tip him.

We do have a tip jar there

if you've got any interest.

Does she realize what he was

just doing?

Ohh!

Lovely.

Wow.

So, sal's got to beat $1.

Just have a seat right here.

You want to check if he's

ticklish?

Ken, I'm gonna check if

you're ticklish.

What do you got?

[ Laughs ]

Coochie-coochie-coo!

You all right? Nothing?

Kenny! Kenny!

Yeah. You're ticklish.

You're ticklish.

Nothing?

Ken's not ticklish.

Are you a physical therapist

or...?

No, I'm not. No.

[ Laughs ]

How you doing? I'm sal.

Sit down. Have a seat.

Make yourself comfortable.

Sal, burp super loud.

He's winding up.

[ Belches loudly ]

Oh, excuse me there.

Excuse me. I burped.

Sorry. I had a big lunch.

All right, Jeff.

He's never tipping him,

right?

No way.

He is!

Oh, my...

thank you so much.

$2. Thank you so much.

$2! $2!

Look at this mess.

Who would accept a massage from

q?

Would you like a massage?

All right, buddy.

Just let your arms dangle.

Q, say you want to get a

sense of his body.

All right.

I just want to get a sense of

your body.

And now just lay down on top

of him.

Right down.

Okay.

Just gonna... just gonna get a

full sense of your body, okay?

Yeah.

[ Both laugh ]

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Mm.

You just ate. You just ate.

How does that feel?

Good.

Just feeling it.

Okay. Yeah. That's good.

[ Laughing ] Stay.

Don't do anything.

Just stay. Don't move.

Don't move.

I'm gonna do the lower back.

How's that feel?

Okay. Now I'm just gonna work

your lower back.

Mm.

Ohh, that feels good?

It feels good, yeah.

And now I'm gonna work the

upper back.

Upper back?

Upper back.

Lower back.

Upper back.

Lower back.

You're all done, brother.

Q ain't getting no tip.

We do accept tips, uh, you

know, if you feel the service

was tip-worthy.

You're gonna tip me when you

come back?

All right, man.

You got nothing for me now?

[ Laughs ]Ng for me now?

No tip!

[ Buzzer ]

Yeah, would you like a

complimentary massage?

Come on in.

Use everything but your hands

to massage this girl.

We do unorthodox massage.

Is the hardest part of the

body.

How's that feel?

Really good.

Really good, right?

Use your nose. Get in there.

And now we're just gonna go

with the jackhammer.

[ Laughs ]

Jackhammer?

Use your butt to massage her.

And now we're just gonna

drill it in.

We're just gonna bring it home.

Shake it all out.

And you're up.

Okay, Joey.

As you're massaging her, take

off random articles of clothing.

[ Laughing ] He kicked them

off.

[ Laughter ]

[ Swanky jazz music plays ]

Pants, too, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

Okay. How'd that feel?

Oh, that felt good.

Great. Excellent.

So, we accept gratuities.

[ Laughter ]

She's totally speechless.

Anything you'd like...

Anything you want to put in

there.

[ Laughing ] She is not

even...

perfect.

She tipped him!

Thank you so much.

A guy in his underwear.

Leave it to Joey.

"Q," you couldn't get a tip.

I gave him the best massage I

could.

I got a tip for you right

here.

[ Laughs ]

It's huge... huge tip.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Murr is tonight's

big loser, so now he'll get hung

out to dry.

This is the grossest thing we

have ever thought up.

You're gonna go into the

laundry room, up to a stranger,

take their underwear out of

their basket, put it on your

face for 10 seconds.

That's gross!

That's gross! I'm not doing it!

In this area for 10 seconds.

No. That's not possible.

You've done grosser.

We all know it. Let's get to it.

No. Come on. Seriously.

Hop to it, buddy.

Hop to it.

I can't do this, guys.

This is... this is ridiculous.

Here he goes.

He looks a creep no matter

what he does and where he is.

Oh, my god.

Go to that lady in the back.

Go.

Go. Her. Yes, her.

Go. Go.

No way. No.

Murray.

I mean, you can't say no, so you

might as well just go.

Am I right?

Swoop in like a hawk.

There you go, murr.

Look at those.

Yeah, those are some nice

parachutes.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

He's sizing it up.

Go! Go!

Her back's turned.

Get in there.

Well, who's that guy there,

though?

Oh [bleep]

Oh.

My god. That's her husband.

This just got interesting.

Murr's scared to death.

[ Laughs ]

You're nervous?

How do you think murr feels?

Do it! Do it!

Go, Murray, go!

Here he goes!

Here he goes.

All right. Here we go.

Oh, my god!

Ohh!

Oh, my god!

He just stole them.

Murray, you got to put them on

your head.

It's not to steal panties.

Murray is a loser, and losers

must get punished.

Yeah.

You're gonna go up to a

stranger, take their underwear

out of their basket, put it on

your face for 10 seconds.

[ Laughs ]

Well, who's that guy there,

though?

Oh [bleep]

Oh.

This just got interesting.

Murr's scared to death.

[ Laughs ]

Do it. Do it.

Go, Murray, go!

Here he goes! Here he goes!

All right. Here we go!

Here we go!

Oh, my god!

Oh!

Oh, my god!

He grabbed... he just stole

them.

Murray, you got to put them on

your head.

It's not to steal panties.

Here we go! Here we go!

Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

These are... these are yours?

I am so sorry.

Just 5 more seconds.

All: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Yeah!

I am so sorry.

I thought these were...

I apologize.

I thought these were mine.

I apologize so much.

[ Laughs ]