Original subtitles

- Remember, you don't do anything.

Just scout it out.

First sign of anything, you come grab me. We clear?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I got this.

If I find something, I come out and call you.

I know, I got it. - Good.

- Okay.

Oh, shit.

I found it. I found it.

- Negative. If you have confirmation, retreat.

- I'm going in. - Negative.

If you have confirmation, retreat.

Lucas. Lucas.

- Ah.

- Adrian, Adrian. I got her, I got her.

Hello?

I hear something.

I hear something.

- Lucas?

Lost him.

- Another night is gone.

Marcus, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

- Come a little, come a little closer, son.

You remember Aidan? He works for me.

- Yeah, course. - Marcus.

I'll give you guys some time.

- Okay.

And there you are. My boy.

There's something I gotta tell you.

I've needed to tell you this for a long time.

- What is it?

- There's a small group that's been around for centuries

known as The Knights Society.

And their main job is to protect.

They seek out and destroy the undead,

banish them back to Hell.

- Sounds like one of the comic books I'm reading.

- Don't laugh, depending on the comic book,

there are codes from the Society

that indicate orders to be carried out.

And I need to tell you about your birthright.

- Shit, Dad, was I adopted?

- No.

No. You are my blood.

- What's this?

- That's the coin of a knight.

Open this. Open it.

Easy, easy, easy

with that stuff.

That's been around for three generations.

That's all about your bloodline.

Now I know that you like to collect all kinds

of really cool stuff for your bar.

- Who's this?

- Ah, just keep reading, keep reading.

Read. Go on.

- I, I don't know what I'm reading here.

What are you trying to tell me, Dad?

- That's all about your great-great-grandfather.

- Uh, no shit?

Wow, ah...

I've never heard anything

about your side of the family.

And I, I tried to do a family tree

a few years ago for your birthday.

I couldn't find anything. - Oh.

- I learned that Mom's side were bootleggers

from Kansas City.

- My side were knights.

And just keep reading. Check that out.

I wanna leave this world knowing

that you understand what I'm telling you.

- Oh, you got me.

This is about Dr. A. Van Helsing.

- And about the Society that our family formed.

- Ah, um, I'm not following.

What does Van Helsing have to do with me?

And, and what's, what's the Knight Society?

- He was your great-great-grandfather.

- What?

The fictional character in the monster novels?

- Yes. Yeah, fiction is most often based in truth.

- Dad, just because we have similar sounding names

does not mean that-- - "Von Helsin"

was "Van Helsing."

- What are you telling me?

- When they came through Ellis Island,

they thought it was a misprint,

and they really couldn't understand

his heavy Dutch accent,

so the name was altered forever.

"Van Helsing" became "Von Helsin."

- You're serious?

- Yes.

That is your great-great-grandfather,

Van Helsing. And that other picture

is a man that we believe

killed your great-great-grandfather.

Son, our family has been in the hunting game for centuries

- Vampire hunters? - Yeah.

All those stories you heard, they're true.

He was a hunter.

And, um, I've just been waiting for the right time

to, ah, to share all this with you.

- So you're saying that my great-great-grandfather

is the famous vampire hunter, Van Helsing?

- Yes.

- Uh, written about in the damn horror novels?

- Yes.

- And we come from a long generation of hunters?

- Yes.

- And I'm a Van Helsing?

- No, you're a Von Helsin without the G.

- Okay, so, ah, now what?

- That coin is now your birthright,

and someday you'll share that with your blood.

- Do you want me to, to hunt vampires?

- Revenge, extinguish

all of them.

That man.

He's identified by the Society as Michael Connor,

and the man who killed your great-great-grandfather.

Aidan will help you get settled.

Son,

carrying out this tradition

is God's will.

- Dad.

Dad.

- What are you doing? - Hi, Mom.

- One sec. - Tell Aunt Julie I said hi.

- How did you know it was me?

- 'Cause I have caller id.

- Oh, yes, the caller ID.

Why do you waste your money on things like that?

- I don't. It comes with the phone.

- Does mine? - Yes.

Along with a bunch of other things that you don't use.

- Oh, really?

Before I forget, are you coming up this weekend

for the family retreat?

You said you might. - No, I can't.

I have a few things to handle for work. Sorry.

- What do you have to handle?

More dates with strange men? Please.

You might find a nice man at the retreat.

Someone who will accept you for who you are.

- Mom, I'm good. It's part of my job.

I go on the dates and then I blog about them afterwards.

- Sounds like a stupid way to find a man.

Who pays for these so-called dates?

And how do you make money with this bogging?

I'm worried about you.

Listen to your mother and come to the retreat.

- It's called blogging. - What is?

- My job, Mom. It's what I do.

Mom, I have people that pay me to do this.

This is a real job.

- Go out with strange men?

Sounds like one of those escorts. Contessa.

You're not an escort, right?

- No, I am not an escort,

but I am totally miserable with what I received

from your side of the family.

- Tessie, don't say that.

You know how many people would

love to have what you have?

- Yeah, I'm sure. Mom, I have to go.

- You need to come to this retreat.

Just think, you could meet your soulmate.

Just the way I met your father.

- Um, I cannot do that, but I can send Laura.

- Laura? You know that child doesn't have the gift.

The only gift she has is annoyance .

And she gets that from my poor brother.

- That's true. Mom, let me call you back.

I have to go. - Okay, dear.

I love you. - Me too, bye.

- That's so not true. I have good traits I get from my dad.

- What's up, Laura?

- I was gonna take you to breakfast. Remember?

- Oh, cuz, I can't. I have to do work.

I have too much to do. Can we go tomorrow?

- Fine.

- Thanks. Do you wanna lock yourself out when you leave?

- And she throws me out.

You know, you're lucky I love you.

See you tomorrow.

Locked.

- Oh.

Let's see.

Oh, a date tonight. Perfect.

Steve.

Steve. I like that.

Steve. It's very mature, Steve.

Steve and Tess.

Okay. That's nuts.

All right.

"Dear Tess, let's talk about manners.

Why do grown men forget that they were taught this

or should have been at an early age?

My date the entire night was belching various names

at me all night."

What?

Oh no. Okay.

Ew. Okay, first of all, let's break it down.

Belching at the dinner table, that is not cute nor polite.

Some cultures find it respectful to belch after a good meal.

They find it to be complimentary towards the chef.

Okay, I get it, but belching

while saying random names is not cute nor polite.

It's just rude.

Dump him.

I mean, I would've bit his head off.

"Dear Tess, my first date was a bit on the boring side.

He kept talking and all I wanted to do was jump his bones."

Oh my gosh. Settle down, tigress.

A first date should be like a job interview.

Two people finding out if they can get along

and are interested in building something cool together.

Jumping their bones the first night takes away

the mystery and the excitement.

That's what I think.

But you never take your own advice.

- Yo. - Hi, Steve?

- Steve-O, please. - Oh, Steve-O.

I'm sorry. - Hey, who this pretty voice,

sweetheart? - This is Tess

returning your call back tonight.

- Oh, yeah. 7:00 PM, Renfield's.

I'll see you there.

Steve-O.

Steve-O.

Steve-O.

- Vanessa.

My eyes deceive me, but so much like her.

- Mm. I need to take you to my father's place.

You will love it. They have everything.

The chef is pretty unique in what he whips up.

- Tell me your name.

- It's Trudy.

- How you doing? Thanks for coming.

I'm, I'm Steve-O.

- I beg your pardon?

- You just asked me what my name was.

- Did I?

- Mm.

- Nice. Go easy.

You're gonna give me diabetes.

- I can smell your cologne. - Oh, th-thank you.

You like it? It's, you know the Dollar Store?

You, you used to go to Dollar Store,

nothing there, and now you can get everything.

They get the cologne, they get everything

you need there, it's good. - I could smell it

when I walked in the front door.

- More cake? - Mm.

- Yeah, you look, you look real nice tonight.

What, what, what is it? Louis, Gucci?

What do you got, what do you got going on here? Huh, huh?

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Ah, so we got sangria?

- We do, we do. Got sangria, the red wine sangria.

Hey, you, you come here a lot?

- Yes, I do. - You been here before?

Yeah? What do you...

You know, I, I just got some of the piggies in the blanket,

and I don't know about you,

but I got a big side of mustard,

'cause I like putting mustard on the piggies in the blanket.

I like the piggy and the blanket,

and you know, it goes really well, pairs really well

with the garlic cheese bread here.

I've been coming to this place for 15 years,

so I think we're gonna have a real good time.

Oh, and I'm so sorry.

I forgot the, the best part of all this.

I got some shrimp cocktail for you.

And I know you, I know you like the cocktail sauce,

so I got a bunch of cocktail sauce for us to just nibble on.

And we'll talk about each other, talk about you.

I wanna know a lot about you. I don't, I'm talking a lot.

I'm talking a lot. I know I'm talking a lot.

I'm gonna let you talk 'cause I wanna hear about your life.

I know you're, you're a blogger,

real interested in the blogging that you do.

Let me out!

- Let me out of here!

Let me out!

- Let me out of here, you asshole!

Do you know who my father is?

Let me out of here!

My father will bury you!

- Steve.

- Hey. - Seriously,

that was so much fun. - Hey,

you are so damn beautiful, huh?

You wanna maybe

- No, thank you, I can't. - go back?

- I have an early morning planned.

- Okay. Maybe another night.

Another, different night?

- Yeah. We'll talk.

- Hey, ah, where, where'd you park down here?

Let me walk you. - You really don't need to.

- No, all right, hey, hey. - I'm right here.

- I'm a gentleman. - Steve-O, it's really okay.

- It's a dark night in this scary alley.

Let, let me walk you. Come on.

Come on. - Steve.

- Please, call me Steve-O.

- Steve-O, stop seriously. - Huh?

- Okay, okay, okay. All right.

- Not tonight. - All right.

Well, hey, maybe we should do this again. Huh?

I like you, you like me.

We had good time, huh?

- Yeah, definitely. We'll talk.

- Yeah? - I'm, I'm a little busy

next week, but... - Well, maybe

next weekend, huh?

- We'll talk. - We're talking right now.

Okay?

Well, have a good night. Huh?

- Have a good night, Steve.

- Steve-O. - Did I do something wrong?

- No.

- I felt a bit, ah, slighted.

- "Slighted?" - Slighted.

I mean, we, we put it on the phone, huh?

And I take you out. And I dropped 375 bucks!

- Steve-O, I've had- - We left, I figure you wanna,

Shut up!

All I wanted was a hug and to take you out again.

Why wait until next time, huh?

- Steve, stop, stop! - Huh, huh, huh?

- Get off of me! Uh!

- Look, I...

Look, I like you.

- Well, I don't in that way. Leave.

Hey, hey!

You shouldn't tease a man and dress the way you do

with these little short dresses you got on.

Huh? You shouldn't do that.

- A woman in a dress is not an invitation

for a man to have his way with her!

Get the fuck away from me!

- Ah, wait, wait, wait. Is that, is that your story?

Is that what you think I'm doing here?

Is, is that what you're gonna write about

in your shitty little blog tomorrow?

Huh, you gonna say, "I went out

with such a bad man last night.

He was so bad. He attacked me last night."

That's why people do crazy things.

You, you, you, you women, you, you lead us on

and make us spend our hard-earned money on you.

You take advantage of us, you make us think that

we're gonna, we have a chance, we're gonna get something.

You're, you're gonna put out!

Chicks put out all day, every day,

whenever the hell they want to,

but the second that a man attempts to get some,

he's labeled as a rapist!

Huh? You gonna write about that in your little blog?

- Good night, Steve.

- You know, you're not even worth it.

You're not worth it, honey.

You're a whore! Huh?

Bitches love Steve-O!

Bitches love Steve-0, sweetheart!

Mm!

- Dammit.

Mm! Damn.

Uh.

- Well I'm fighting battles with impossible odds.

I look down at this symbol of celebration.

You know what it does?

It lets me know that no matter how bad things are,

the end of it telling 'em, "Put them red panties on,

Daddy's coming home.

It's a celebration, baby."

So never say that I don't know about fashion

'cause I'm wearing red Penney's on my wrist, huh.

- Yeah, Aidan knows fashion.

He usually just gets dressed in the dark.

Hawkin' me out.

I don't even know why I come here.

Oh, that's right. I promised your dad.

- Huh, and the drinks are cheap.

- And I put up with your shit.

- Well, that's it.

- Hey, whatever happened to that clown

you had in the front, the Siamese, weird, petrified thing?

- Yeah. Freaked a few customers out.

I had to move it to the courtyard.

- Are you serious? That thing was badass.

Ah, can't make everybody happy.

- Another one.

- There she is. Pepper's in the house.

- Boo

We need to talk.

- Yeah, yeah, just, ah, meet me in the back.

- Seriously? Wow.

- She's been gathering intel for me.

It'll be okay. Hey Aidan, watch the bar for me.

- Let me get another beer. - Sure.

Just add it to your tab.

- What are you talking about? Doing a job for you?

Yeah, I'm protecting this establishment,

handling your customers, and doing it with class.

It deserves two drinks on the house.

- Okay. Grab a glass of water.

- For what?

- Pretend it's a glass of gin.

- Oh my God. What?

Wow. You got jokes now.

You should probably put that bit up on stage

with those other shitty acts. - Ah, wow, hey, thanks.

- I'm just being serious, bro.

So what's up buddy? Want another drink?

- Hell, yeah. - First one's on me.

- Not saying much tonight.

You all right?

- Thanks.

- Any issues?

- Nope, the guy's a missing persons,

never asked me any shit.

In fact, the one guy's been trying

to get in my pants for years.

He'd probably give me his bank account info if I asked.

- Really? You should ask.

- That's not gonna happen.

Thank you, by the way.

- All good. So, ah, what'd you find out?

- You're gonna want a drink.

28 missing persons have been reported since the summer.

18 of those cases are still open.

- 10 cases were closed.

What you thinking, Pep?

- Why do you collect all this odd shit?

- Ah, because it's odd.

I guess it's in my genes.

My great-great-grandfather was a hunter of the macabre,

I'm a collector of the macabre.

- Yeah. Seems like it.

- Hmm. What made you become a cop?

- Detective. And, ah, I don't know.

It's a family business. I guess it was in my genes.

My granddaddy was one too.

- Well look at that. Another thing we have in common.

Now the world

is filled with bad people.

There's not enough good ones out there to hold it down.

So what do you think about these pictures?

- Those aren't all coming from the same crazy.

And all 28 cases,

they were all last seen at Renfield's Place.

- Is that a real place?

- Yeah, it is.

- Wow. It's, that's bizarre.

- It's a popular place. What are you thinking?

- Well, it's also the name of a character

in those novels about my great-grandfather.

- So we're on the same page? - Regarding?

- That can't just be a coincidence.

And I'm willing to bet you that we are dealing

with multiple predators here.

- You gonna be back here all night?

A bunch of weirdos that just showed up

call themselves Freaks of Russia.

- Damn, forgot about those guys.

Ah, just show 'em the green room behind the stage.

- Yeah. Getting another beer, dog.

- Yeah, sure. - Awesome.

- The victims that were found,

it suggests that they were all mauled by an animal.

- Welcome to Renfield's Place.

I have your table ready for you.

Cheers.

- Cheers. - Salute.

To you.

- Why to me?

- Pretty incredible.

I mean, do they always stare like this?

- The envious stare. Uh.

Staring at you. - Mm.

- Should we get out of here?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- I hope everything was to your liking, Mr. Connor.

- Pristine as always, thank you.

- Enjoy your dinner? - Loved it.

Thank you. - Great.

That's what I like to hear.

- If you could bring the car around as well.

- Actually, your car is ready,

and till next week, good night to you and the lady.

- Thank you. - Perfect.

And for the staff as well. - Thank you.

- It was a pleasure. Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Have a good evening.

- Good night. - Ah, it will be

a good evening. - Mm.

- Shall we?

- You look absolutely beautiful.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome. - Here's your menu.

- Thank you. How are you, Raoul?

- I'm great. How are you, Ms. Wagner?

- Good. - Have a wonderful evening.

Ah, Bella will be here with your specials.

- Thank you.

- I really like this place.

Has a wonderful vibe.

- Yeah. - This is awesome.

- Hi, how are you? - I'm good.

How are you? - Good, thank you.

Do you like pinot noir?

- Yeah. - This one's on the dry

side, but it's my favorite.

I love pinot noir.

- But, no, I'm cool with that. - Okay, great.

- Toast.

- What do you wanna toast to?

- Those eyes. That smile.

Very inviting.

To this evening. May it last forever.

- That sounds wonderful.

- Wow.

This place has everything.

So much to choose from.

- I know. I am so getting the lamb chops.

- Really? I kind of assumed you'd be vegan.

- What? Vegan?

No. I will destroy those chops.

- Well, here's a man surprised.

- I thought you said we were going back to your place.

Where are we?

- This is my home.

- This is your home?

Yeah.

Please.

- Mm.

- Don't be afraid.

I've got you.

- Oh. This place seems very peaceful.

Are you an artist?

I love the ambiance.

- I tried to give it a sense of the old world

when I had it built.

Huh. If these walls could talk.

- Mm. - Some embarrassing

stories for sure. - Hmm.

- Let's get a drink. - Okay.

- Yeah.

- I feel like I've been here before.

- I'm sure I would remember. I never forget a face.

- Mm.

So, do you live here, um...

- Alone?

Yes. Most of the time, anyway.

- Thanks.

Um, so you never forget a face?

- Mm. There have been many.

Maybe not quite as pretty as yours.

Some fade over time. Others still haunt you.

It's, ah, you know how that goes.

- Mm, cheers.

Oh, I am so sorry. Oh, shit.

Oh my gosh. I'm such an idiot.

Oh, how embarrassing. Um, do you have a towel?

Um, oh, I'm so embarrassed.

I'm such an idiot.

Michael?

Michael? Mm.

Michael?

Michael? Oh.

- Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you.

- That's okay.

Hmm. Um, here.

- No, don't worry.

Just a priceless crystal glass and $1,500 brandy.

- Oh, shit. Uh, how embarrassing.

I am so, so sorry.

- I'm kidding. It's a cheap rock glass.

You're lucky, though. - Oh.

- As a child, if I broke something,

I'd be punished, sent my room.

- Mm.

Thank you, Mr. Connor,

for a beautiful night.

It was so enjoyable meeting you.

Michael?

Michael?

Michael, Michael, are you there?

Michael?

Michael, are you there?

This isn't funny anymore!

Oh!

No.

Forgive me.

I had hope for us.

- Ah, shit.

- Oh my God. It took you long enough.

Could have been raped or killed.

- Even if you screamed,

no one would've heard you over that outfit.

- Uh, wardrobe advice from a woman

who answers the door in a robe.

Cute.

Ready for breakfast? - Hmm.

- It smells like sex in here.

How was he?

- He tasted like shit.

- Uh, you ate him? Why?

You texted me that picture.

I thought you guys were hitting it off.

Oh my, when I said go in for the kill,

I meant seal the deal romantically, that is.

Not kill him.

- I thought he was the guy,

but then he went and did something stupid.

- Okay. What did he do that was so stupid?

- Oh, damn. That shit was good.

Hey, babe.

Oh, hey, babe. Hey. Babe, what did I do?

I know. I know.

- Uh.

Hold up. Is that a tip?

Okay. I am not a hooker.

- Well, I told you, I had to stay late.

Yeah, I, I was hanging out with the fellas.

Yeah, I told you we closed that big deal.

Yes.

I don't know, all we did was hang around,

drink cocktails, smoke cigars.

Yes, of course.

Yes, I love you.

Okay. I'll be home soon, okay?

All right. I love you too.

What the heck?

Mm.

Hello, beautiful. Yes, I'm back in town.

The trip took a little longer than expected.

Sure. I can make it over.

Maybe not for breakfast, but I could bring dessert.

Oh my God.

Yeah, babe? - Bryan, did you leave

the office yet? - Yeah.

- You did? - Yeah, I had to go back

to the office and get my wallet.

I'll be home in a few.

- Fine. Can you pick up sparkling water from the store?

- Pick up what from the store?

- Sparkling water. - Okay, fine.

- Good, thank you. - Yeah, I love you too.

- Love you, mm-hmm, bye.

Shit.

Ah, what's up?

Dude, you are too cool for school.

Come on now.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me. A fucking ticket?

Is this a joke?

Tess, you following me?

Huh?

Oh, shit.

Oh, that is a big fucking dog.

Oh God, that's, that's, that's, that's a...

- Tossing money on a dresser

as if you were some cheap hooker?

Although you did sleep with him on the first date.

I mean, I would've killed him too.

- Seriously? You're judging me now?

- Uh-huh. I mean, you did eat him.

- I did.

- Oh, oh, God! Nasty.

- Sorry, cuz. - It smells like hot dogs.

- What do you need?

- Ah, I mean, I was gonna take you to breakfast,

but seeing you ate already.

- I can still taste his drugstore cologne.

He said such sweet things to me, Laura.

- Yeah, was that before or after

you played hide the salami?

Ha-ha, yeah, I bet it was before. Right?

- Oh my god, you are so judging me right now.

- Look, I know you go on dates with these creepy guys

to build a following on your blog.

I get it, but you're looking for Mr. Right,

and he doesn't exist.

You keep on finding Mr. Screwed up.

- He's out there somewhere.

- Yeah, whatever.

Our mom needs to help, me to help her out.

Her hip's out again.

Where's this chew toy of yours I need to bag and burn?

- The parking garage.

- Here? Are you freaking nuts?

Why so close?

- Hello? My bed is here.

- Uh, what if someone saw you?

You could have gone to his place.

- He's married. Remember?

- Uh-huh. Yeah, you did say that.

- I didn't want to eat the dude.

Like the wedding band, I could have gotten over,

but the money, I'm not a hooker.

- Yeah, you really need to rethink your meal plan,

'cause, uh-huh, no more eating where you live.

I am doing the heavy lifting here.

- Sorry, cuz. It just happened.

- Why do you get to dine and dash and I have to clean up?

I mean, if I were to change, I would not do that to you.

Yeah. I would clean up my mess.

- Seriously, you think I like tearing up

my designer outfits on a weekly basis?

You think I like eating people?

- Don't you?

I'm sure you enjoy devouring these shitty...

I mean, hell, I'd much rather your curse than my period.

- Oh my God. Listen to you.

I'm sorry the wolf blood skipped over you and went to me.

My mom just probably has stronger genes than your dad.

- Hey, my father does cool things too. You know?

- Really? - Yeah.

- Growing a unibrow is not a talent.

- It, it's not just his unibrow.

He can also- - Okay, cuz, I don't care.

Can you please just get a mop and clean up my date?

- Okay. Where is he?

- All over the garage. Mm, I'm kidding.

By the dumpster. - Dammit, Tess.

You couldn't have done 'em in a cleaner place?

- Sorry. Next time.

- All right.

Oh, and actually, um, if you come across the hooker money,

can you bring it back?

Your girl needs some new clothes.

- Mm, gotcha. - Thank you.

Hooker money. I'm not a hooker.

- That was the last time I saw him.

- Your father was a good man.

You know, he sort of helped me win my first fight?

- Really? How so?

- Well back when my dad would leave

for long periods of time with the Society,

your dad would check in on us sometimes,

making sure we were good.

- The benefits of living across the hall from each other.

- And I came running up the stairs, crying.

And your dad grabbed me by the shirt,

and he said, "Why are you running?

Why, why are you crying?"

I told him, "Lenny, another 10-year-old had hit me."

So then he stood up, he looked at me,

then he punched me right in the arm.

- Why? - Ow.

It hurt so bad.

And I remember I stopped crying really fast.

I was confused.

And then he yelled at me, "Cry, dammit!"

- Wait a minute. I remember this.

I was in the kitchen with Mom.

Pops went in the hallway...

- He hit me again, even harder. He said, "cry!"

And then he said,

"Boy, Mr. C. hits harder than any 10-year-old."

- Oh, yeah.

- "You can cry once.

Now go down there and deal with Lenny."

So I ran downstairs, I kicked Lenny's ass.

Never ran again.

- God, Lenny was such a bully to both of us.

Ah, my dad was a good man.

Different time, different world.

You know, they would've called

Child Protective Services now.

So, ah, you wanna tell me what happened here last night?

- Ah, well, I had a heads up that these two

were going to pay a visit to the Society.

Uh!

Ah!

- Uh!

- Wow. Okay.

That sounds, um, pretty epic.

- It was.

- So, you gonna help me this time or do you gotta go?

- Oh, actually I've got a date I need to get ready for.

- Oh, huh. - And get this.

It's gonna be at Renfield's Place.

- Well, I hope that you're working on your date.

- Yeah. Kind of.

Sort of.

- Okay.

Looks like it's just the two of us. Huh?

- How do you weed out the creeps from the good guys?

When do you tell your date you're not interested in them?

Before the dinner? After?

While you're having dessert?

While getting attacked in the parking lot

when you lay down the law regarding, "no means no"?

Yep, I said that.

Sure, dating can be exhausting each time.

You're looking forward to that, maybe this will be the one.

But within a short period of meeting them,

your highest expectations get kicked in the gut.

And then you're planning your exit.

Just a minute.

You then hope that the night will go by super fast.

The one thing to look forward to

is not the date but the food.

That's where we can all be a winner.

Suggest your favorite spot. Go where you are comfortable.

Make it a requirement. Pick the wine.

Yes, the wine.

I'm coming.

That's the only real advice I can share.

The last few weeks, I have found out nothing about my dates.

Each one was different, but deep down they were the same.

Mama's boys. This kitty cat wants a tiger, not a cub.

There is love waiting out there for all of us,

but unfortunately, we all have to meet a few duds before.

Different faces, same asses.

I will tell you one thing,

none of these stud muffins I went out with

made me want them in the way I crave crème brûlée.

Oh, yes. The dessert is always the best part of any date.

This is Tess Wagner.

Until next week.

Mm, it's open.

And it's you.

- You must want someone attacking me outside.

- Oh, yeah. Exactly.

That's why I live in the safest neighborhood.

- What does that mean? Huh.

Do you know who I was on the phone with for 45 minutes?

- Hi, Laura. How are you?

I was working. I was on a roll.

- Your mother, my aunt, trying to set me up with Willie.

- I don't know Willie.

- Are, are are you drunk?

- No. Oh my God.

- Wait, what the hell?

You look amazing. Another date?

- Yes, with Marcus.

I met him at that bar you took me to two weeks ago.

- Marcus? Seriously, why?

- Yeah, Mar- - He's a creep.

- What? Are we talk, are we talking about the same person?

- Bartender guy, right?

- Yeah. - The shit collector?

- Shit collector? - Mm-hmm.

- I don't know, he's just been annoying me

to go out with them, so...

So what?

I have a hangnail that's annoying.

Doesn't mean I'm gonna date it.

- Okay. That's hardly the same thing.

And besides, we know you don't date.

That's why my mom's setting you up with Willie. Remember?

- Why date when I live life through you?

You continue to show me that nobody's out there.

At least not worth eating.

- Okay. Stop.

That's not right. You know I can't control this shit.

- "Not right?"

What's not right is you turn yourself

from beauty to the beast.

You know, I wake up sounding like a beast. It's so not fair.

- Well, maybe you should lay off the cigars.

- And lose my only enjoyment? Please.

- Does this dress make me look fat?

- God, what?

- So you're saying you like the dress?

- Yeah.

- Should I wear some earrings with it?

Should I do long or short?

- Wearing heels or flats? - Heels.

- Go with the long earrings. - Thank you.

What is that?

- Tip from the cleanup.

- Oh, the hooker money.

It's actually kind of messed up. Just kidding.

You're the best though. Thank you so much.

I don't know what I would do without you.

- Like $500 worth?

- Deal.

- Thank you. Oh, and refrain from eating Marcus.

Lots of people know him.

- Good point.

- Mm.

Woo.

- Oh my God. - Yeah, see you later.

That smells like hot dogs. What are you eating?

Disgusting.

And he's not a serial killer.

- I've, ah, I've read your blog.

- Why?

- I, ah, wanted to get the female perspective on dating.

Make sure I did things right on the date.

- So tell me about you. - Me?

- Yes, you, silly.

- Well, I, I run my own bar,

and I collect odd things for it.

- How did you get into that?

- I don't know. Attention, maybe.

- "Attention?"

Are you one of those people that needs to be validated?

Didn't get enough attention as a kid?

- I had a great childhood. What do you mean?

- Nothing.

So how long have you had the bar?

- Ah, years. Been, ah, thinking about expanding.

Franchising, maybe. You know?

- No, I actually don't.

Do you ever eat crème brûlée?

Are you trying to get me drunk so soon, Marcus?

- Who me? Hmm.

- Pardon my intrusion.

- Hey man. What's up?

- Well, I noticed your wife here.

- Oh, "wife." She, she's not my wife.

- Apologies.

I noticed your lady. - She's my friend.

My date.

So what can I help you with?

'Cause we're kind of in the middle of something.

- Well, I'm alone this evening.

I enjoy the music here.

It reminds me of better times I spent with my beloved wife

taken from me long ago.

- Okay, ah, I don't mean to be rude,

but what do you mean, pal?

We're in the middle of something here.

- Marcus, stop. - I'm sorry.

As you both were.

- No, wait, what were you gonna say?

- I wanted to know if I could have this dance?

- Absolutely not.

- I would love to.

- That would be beautiful.

- Tess. - Just once dance.

- Sorry. - Are you kidding me?

- This means so much to me. You have no idea.

- I'm glad I could help you fill your void.

Unbelievable.

- My name is Michael, Michael Connor.

- Hello, Michael. I'm Tess-

- Tess Wagner.

- Excuse me? - I know all about you, Tess.

I've watched you every time you've come here.

- Do you work here? - Mm.

You know I don't.

Do you like to tango?

- Actually, yes. I love to dance.

I just don't get to do it often.

- Born in Argentina in the 1880s.

- I didn't know that. - Frequently practiced

in brothels back then.

- Really? - Brothels would hire bands

to keep their patrons with music,

and the tango spread like wildfire throughout the world.

- Interesting.

Was that a true story about your wife?

- Yes.

- I'm so sorry you carry that pain with you.

- Thank you.

- Why me?

- Why you?

- Why did you choose me?

You're always surrounded by beautiful women.

- Yes, a lot of pretty women,

but tonight, I'm with pure beauty.

- Stop.

- First time laid eyes on you

was the last time I would love another.

- What? What does that even mean?

- Do you believe in love at first sight?

- I'm not sure. - Why are you unsure?

- Because I've never felt the way I do right now

- Than you do. - Pepper,

get ahold of Aidan.

Meet me at the bar in an hour.

I found him.

- Who are you?

- What does your heart tell you?

- This isn't real, is it?

- As real as your date leaving you behind?

You are an incredible dancer.

- Thank you.

I don't care how much money they have

and what kind of job they have,

as long as they have a job, some type of responsibility.

Thank you.

Not someone who's sitting in their mom's garage

playing video games, waiting on their next bang.

- Sounds like you know what you want.

- I'm good at giving advice, but taking my own,

the jury's still out on that one.

- Is that why you blog?

- You know I blog?

- Yes, I, I told you, you intrigue me.

I had to know who captured my heart.

- Do you have a heart?

- I did once. It was a long time ago.

- What happened?

- Safe to say, I was reborn.

- What keeps you going, Michael?

- Hope.

Hope that one day I can stop searching,

reset my life how I was.

Maybe let some light into this stark, lonely world.

- You sound ready.

People need to be ready when they take the next step.

Most people are just forced into it by peer pressure,

and then it fails.

- Do you wanna get outta here?

- Sure.

There's a lot of eyes on us.

- They've just never seen the real life Cinderella.

- You're certain?

- I'm so certain this is the bastard

that killed my grandfather.

I never forget a face. Especially that one.

- Since you already owe me.

- Ah, you can add that to your tab.

- Miss anything.

- So what do you wanna do?

- I wanna put an end to this.

Free Tess from him.

- This girl Tess that you wanna rescue.

Maybe she doesn't wanna be rescued.

- What do you mean?

- Marcus, she writes a blog about looking for Mr. Right.

She goes out on a ton of dates,

and who knows how many of them she sleeps with?

- She's easy, guy.

- Maybe they had a real connection. You know?

Maybe she decided to go with the so-called

bad boy on your date.

Chicks dig bad boys. Gives 'em a sense of adventure.

- Is that what you look for? A bad boy?

- Not at all.

The one I like is too oblivious to figure that one out.

- What? - Look-

- Listen up people, we have location of his lair,

422 West 98th Street.

Getting a little leeway from Society,

but we need to move and we need to move fast.

Cheers up to the heroes.

- Cheers.

Come on.

- Uh, I'll bring that.

- You are breathtaking.

- I was just gonna say that about you.

- You're trembling. Don't be afraid of me.

- I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of me.

- Oh.

- I want you so bad.

- Then take me.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

- Tess? - Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Tess?

Uh!

No!

- Clear.

- What's the plan?

- We've got 15 minutes.

We need to do this quick and then contact the Society.

- We don't need 15 minutes.

Go in, take him out, Rescue Tess.

Call it in and make the bust.

- It won't be a caller if I don't get a confession.

- No confession. He dies tonight.

We'll be your witnesses.

- We'll be heroes to those victims' families.

Let's do this for them.

We have God on our side.

- Ooh!

Huh, uh!

Ah!

- You got it. - Uh!

Uh!

Ah!

Uh!

Ah! Son of a...

All right.

Look at you. Not so tough no more.

Now it's coming, buddy.

Get your hands off me.

- Take me.

- Take you? I'm gonna stake you, man.

Lycanthrope. - They exist.

Oh!

Let's do this.

Ah!

Shit.

Eat me.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

- Pep. Pep.

Pep, come on.

Pepper, come on.

Pep, Pepper, come on.

Pepper, come on. Oh, thank God.

Come on. I gotta get you outta here.

Come on.

Come on.

- Marcus. - Yeah?

- I love you. - I know.

Okay, come on.

- So, you're a werewolf?

- Don't even go there.

- Are you all right? - I will be.

It wasn't real silver. - That actually works?

- Oh, yeah.

I mean, it hurts like hell still, but are you okay?

- Huh.

I've been here before.

I feel much better now.

What should we do with him?

- I'll clean him up.

I'll eat him. - Good evening, Mr. Connor.

Confirming your usual reservation for two

tomorrow evening at Renfield's.

I will have your usual bottle on ice

and look forward to seeing you again, ciao.

- What are you doing tomorrow night?

We should have dinner.

- Maybe. Depends what bottle's on ice.

- Have to wait and see.

Got a lot to talk about.

- We do?

- Not every day you fall in love with a werewolf.

- Oh, is that what's happening here?