Original subtitles

Music in the night.

Isn't it romantic?

Music in the night.

Isn't it moving shadows right beyond?

Magic world.

Isn't it romantic?

Oh, thank

you.

Romance. Come on. Go.

Oh.

Can I give you... Can I give you something?

Hey. Happy birthday, Ben. Thanks, man. Whoa. Where you going?

Hey.

I'm here.

Romance Romance Romance

Romance

Romantic. Romantic.

Romantic.

Hello?

Yes?

Yes.

Special, mi amor.

You can't blame yourself.

I mean, you could, but I didn't know she was a hooker. It was raining.

Let me ask you this. What did she look like?

Wet. Wet? It was raining.

What was she wearing? A raincoat.

So you didn't know she was a hooker? No, I didn't know she was a hooker. How

could he know she was a hooker? It was raining, right? That should be one of

first laws of hookering. Raining? Game off. What are you talking about? There's

no way he could know. It's like a setup or something.

Yeah,

that'd be me. Or soon to be.

Excuse me, honey.

Can I get a side of mayonnaise, please?

Anything you want.

Just ask.

I'll be right back.

So what, the cops call Laura at three in the morning?

Yeah, at first she thought I was murdered or something.

That'd be a tidier conclusion.

Believe me, there's an option she's still considering.

Well, let me know, okay? Because I have always sensed that Laura is interested

in me. As more than just a friend.

And if you'd gone, I'd be able to slide right in there.

That's good.

You know, you might have a chance because... She already threw me out. She

kicked you out? What did you tell us? Where have you been staying? On the

in my office.

Look, you always crash at my place, no problem. Yeah, and me too. I got plenty

of room.

Here's your man.

I get the distinct feeling that she is thinking the same thing about me that I

am thinking about her.

She's imagining wearing nothing but a push -up bra and edible pens.

Come on, Allie, have a real drink. No.

My marriage is falling apart, and that calls for a serious alcoholic stupor.

Maybe later.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, June.

My thighs touch my dance.

My jiggles are commingling.

I never commingled there before.

Uh -uh.

About three exits back.

I never did nubile. I went straight from awkward to cocky. No, Allie, that's not

true. I never left awkward.

I'm just kidding.

No, but seriously, you shouldn't talk that way. You know, you really

Jeff says the body manifests negative affirmations. Jeff's a yoga teacher?

Yes.

I'm seeing him privately now. We're working on my second chakra.

You're kidding.

What?

What's he doing down there? You wouldn't believe the negative memories I've been

holding. In your crotch?

Pizza! Thank God.

My pizza is grounding.

Hey, you ordered the veggie pasta? Yeah. Hi, what's your name?

Hi.

Don't mind her. She's got a compulsive flirting disorder.

Kind of like Tourette's.

What do we owe you?

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you the coupon price. Eight bucks.

Deluxe?

Cooper. No.

Airwax. Yeah. What's your name?

Allison. Oh, no.

Well, next time you order, let's prevent.

Bring us some free coke.

Hey.

See ya.

Please,

he smelled like tea.

So what? He was a doll.

I can go for him.

What am I going to talk about when Mr. PJ died?

Domino's domination?

Yeah, pineapple.

Pro or con? We're not talking talk, Allie. We're talking fun, and he was

total amusement park.

He liked you. You shouldn't shut him out.

Ooh, this song, and I am touching labor.

A wave of combo.

I remember.

A little beer, a little buzz.

You could head to an armrest.

Come on and dance with me, fool.

Alan, I've been considering your case, and you know what I've been thinking?

What is the big deal about a little blowjob?

When you get down to it, you're trying to be faithful.

Not like you were going down on her.

I'm afraid Laura has a distinctly different take on it. I don't know why

didn't leave when you wanted to. I can't even remember why we begged.

I do.

She was bent over looking at me between her legs, blowing me kisses, giving my

wheezer rigor mortis. Oh, so because you had a woody, I end up in jail and my

marriage is going to hell? Yeah.

You can leave Woody out of it.

I had to stop and think of a hooker at 3 o 'clock in the morning.

I didn't know she was a hooker.

I was just going to give her a ride.

And then she reached over and touched my hand.

Bam. Something just fucking snapped in my brain.

Oh, God.

How many times have I succumbed to that?

Plenty.

And I'll tell you why.

Why what?

Why? Why a chick just touching you can make you lose your mind.

Great, you know, let me call Laura, because I'm sure this explanation will

everything just right between us. Don't worry about that. I'll explain it to

Laura when you're gone.

All right, she's already talking to some asshole lawyer.

Don't look at me.

I only do personal injury and car wrecks.

Divorces are way too messy.

So what's this theory of yours?

What? Okay.

It's what women...

Do not understand about men.

We cannot help it.

It's biological.

Every guy has got this thing in the back of his neck.

This reptile nose.

I saw this on the science channel. Way back when, when we had horns and a lot

more hair. This reptile nose thing. It was nature's way of saying, you go

forward. You find as many women as you can and you bop till you drop.

Damn,

mine is huge.

Go ahead.

This is true shit, okay?

At the base of our brains is this clump of sex drive.

And we have these roots that go all over our bodies.

Roots?

What's a root?

Root? Yeah, you got your main root here.

And then you got these skinny little roots that go everywhere from your skull

and down to your toes. You think about this.

If a chick is bold, maybe a little drunk.

All she has to do is grab you by that main root. And the rest of it, forget

Wham, bam, history.

Wait a minute. The main root part, I guess. What is it? The little dicks all

over my body? Come on, listen and learn. If a chick is a little more suave,

maybe not quite so rough, she'll start. She'll start by touching your neck.

And then she moves on down your chest.

Hello. And then your knee.

And then, you know, all these little roots. They totally freak out. They send

red alert back over to the main root. And we're helpless.

This girl is half good looking. If she has a couple of her teeth, all she has

do is smoke. We practically stand up and salute.

Okay, here we go.

Fill your heart. Meet great men at the supermarket.

Yeah, right.

You know, the only guy that ever talked to me in the supermarket was buying,

like, a case of toilet paper and some jockage powder.

Very sexy.

I'm telling you, you should masturbate. If you don't work those muscles, they

start to atrophy. I don't like to masturbate.

You're so desperate.

Oh, then have an affair, Allie. You don't have to love everyone you sleep

I tried that. Remember the Xerox toner guy?

I didn't even come.

I mean, I can go there. The guy just looks at me funny.

Oh, he didn't. So what?

Geez. Just so that sex shouldn't be goal -oriented.

Bullshit. Sex without an orgasm is like an airplane taxiing around and around

the runway.

What?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Did you cut Alan's head out of all these?

Oh, my God, you did.

Hello, that's a tad psycho.

Not very original, I know.

But perversely, that's fine.

I have to pee.

Don't talk about me.

This is scary.

She's entitled.

Well, she should at least hear him out. I mean, God.

Ellen and Laura were, like, the only happy couple on the planet.

We thought.

They were.

I mean, everybody knew it.

Okay, so Alan messed up. He did, but he's not pleased.

Well, he's one of Danny's best friends.

Danny just leaves.

A plus B equals C. Could you please try and keep your bitter breakup thing out

of this? You're only encouraging... What is that supposed to mean?

You'd love it if Alan and Laura broke up, because then you and Laura could run

around together like you used to. Oh, yeah, look who's talking. You want them

break up more than anyone else.

What? I see right through you.

You're like a love -struck teenager when Alan's around.

What?

Nothing.

What?

Nothing, really.

Let's go out.

Come on, you could use some fun, Allie.

We'll get you laid.

Hell, we'll all get laid.

What about Alan?

You want to be my guest.

That's not what I meant.

You too.

You want to sleep with my husband.

Oh, my God, no.

God, don't be an idiot. I want you guys to work it out.

Why do you look so guilty?

We were just joking around, right?

Right? Oh, my God.

Honey, don't freak.

Allison has a little crush on Alan, that's all. Oh, God.

Have you slept with him?

No. No.

Look,

Alan loves you, Laura.

He loves you more than anything.

I can't fucking believe this.

Way to go, Allison.

At least I have orgasms.

Hello.

Laura. Allison.

Allie, hi. It's Alan.

Oh, God.

Hi. How you doing?

I've been better.

you are you okay um let me talk to laura hold on

laura alan's on the phone

tell him i'm busy fucking three guys i picked up hitchhiking

she's still in the bathroom she's got to give me a

chance to explain where are you

Do you think women think about sex as we do?

No. No, I think about it when I'm sleeping, when I'm waking up at

the shower.

I'm used to beating off in the shower. Every time it rains, I get a hard -on.

I'm sorry, but a guy should be able to get a blowjob from a hooker any time he

wants. The way it's infidelity, it's just self -abuse using someone else's

It's a liberal definition. It's the right definition.

It is just a little harmless.

I think most women have a different take on it, especially the married ones.

What? I'm a nerd.

After years of serious sampling, you get married, and then when what? You're

supposed to eat the same dessert every night of your life until you die?

Let's say my favorite is chocolate mousse. I love chocolate mousse, but

now and then I might want a little creme brulee.

Okay, where are you getting this? The food channel? It's crazy. What kind of

shit is that?

Sounds like scared of commitment shit to me.

That means a lot coming from...

Mr. 12 Weeks and dump him over here. At least I admit it. You know, I'm not

pretending to be anything else. I'll tell you something else, Dan. No, buddy.

Yeah. I'm actually getting a little tired of the fast food section.

When the right woman shows up, my true soulmate, I'm going to know it's her.

That's a lot of romantic horseshit. Spoken like a true burn victim.

How long has it been since Terri Ann dumped you? Six months?

Hey, buddy.

I dumped her.

I was committed. She cheated on me.

Let's get your story straight, okay?

She's in the goddamn bathroom. She won't even come to the phone.

Oh, man.

Well, guys, I guess it's your lucky night. The girls at the booth down below

these up.

Wow.

A good -looking one and a couple of two beggars.

They're all too old.

What are you talking about? They're R .A. in their top.

They're too old. Go hang up on the beers and tell them we're gay.

We're gay?

Laura?

Laura, honey, please come out. You know, it was a misunderstanding.

I mean, we were just joking around.

Alan's not even my type.

And even if he was, Alan would never go for Allison.

Laura?

to hurt you.

Any margaritas left?

I don't know.

You know, this thing with Laura is freaky.

You know, I mean, I figured she'd kick your ass for a couple of weeks, make you

crawl like a reptile, get her some serious new clothes, but I mean, calling

quits, I don't get it.

Hey, um, Laura didn't want anyone to know this, but, uh...

We were trying to have a baby.

Oh, man.

She wants to hit a pitter -patter of little feet.

Get her a gerbil and some tinfoil.

It's not that. I mean, I kind of like the kid idea, you know?

Just mostly the process.

And what is it about humping like mad dogs that bothers you? Don't you tell

Danny any of this, or I'd have to kill him in his big mouth.

You know, at first we made love the normal way, which was great, you know?

no Bambino. It's a lure.

She gets a little crazy, you know? And soon, our bed is covered with charts of

lunar cycles.

Oral and anal thermometers.

Oh, God!

She'd drop her orb, take her temperature, and command that I insert

probe. Then, as soon as I came, she'd push me off, jump out of bed, and stand

her head. Get out! No, no. Did I mention the mucus test?

No, please don't.

So, one night, I couldn't get it up.

Oh, no wonder.

Except that Laura, she took it as a... Sign that I didn't want to have children

with her. It's been way downhill ever since.

Well, do you?

I don't fucking know.

I do know that I love Laura.

I gotta get that fixed first.

I mean, she's the only woman I've ever enjoyed sleeping with. Yeah, sleeping.

Like, you know, sleeping.

Like we can be in each other's arms.

Holding each other.

All night sometimes.

And I've never been able to do that with anybody.

So, you know, we have a serious situation on our hands here. No, it's

but it's not irreparable.

I'm talking booze, okay? We're out.

Which is very irreparable.

Come on, let's party. I mean it. I want to meet a guy con manos grandes.

Olé.

I'm not going anywhere. Look at me.

I've got something you can wear.

Make a bad car now.

All right. Now we're talking.

See you later.

See ya. So, tell her the truth. Tell her you were freaked out about having kids,

and when the sex got into the clinical thing, you started feeling like all she

really cared about was your sperm. And then in mid, you got a little drunk and

stupid, and the hooker was just about wanting to feel special again.

But you gotta put a lot of emphasis on that drunk and stupid part.

Oh, man.

Fuck me.

I sense there was something odd about those girls.

Our drinks were meant for the ladies sitting behind us.

Cheers.

Okay, that's it. Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that not the location of the devil woman who wants

your huevos rancheros?

Oh, my God. What did you suggest? My advice didn't really include me and

Come on, I need your help.

I don't think so. Yes, yes, I think so. Last time you were with me, this time

you owe me. Bye, thanks for the beers.

You get a point, Danny. You know, being rejected by a bunch of carpet munchers

shouldn't really bother me, but it sort of had a sobering effect.

Hey, maybe we'll pick up a couple of hitchhikers.

Hey, Jude.

Hey, buddy.

Look at those three locals.

They're just like everybody else that comes into the jink.

I mean, they got nice cars, great places to live.

My name's Vern.

So when it comes to love, they're one sorry ass only bunch of fucked up

pendejos. Say, numerator five!

Is this too much?

Yes. Don't hold back now. Tell me what you really think.

You look like you have a mental disorder and you forgot to finish dressing.

Allie, let's go!

The necklace, isn't it? You don't like the necklace.

Wow!

Oh, my God.

God, you look amazing.

I can't wear this.

No, no, no. Sure you can.

You don't look like this. When did this happen?

I don't know. I guess I just lost weight or something.

I wasn't trying or anything.

Bull, you stopped eating.

Fen -Phen.

Allie, you've been taking Fen -Phen that is so bad for you. You could have a

heart attack.

Where did you get it?

What are you talking about?

God, this is going to be great. You're going to be fighting them off.

8 -6 -7 -9 -3 -0 -9.

8 -6 -7 -5.

8 -6 -7 -5 -3 -0 -9. 8 -6 -7 -9 -3 -0 -5. No, no, no. Look, look. You got her

number from the bathroom stall. It's just called Jenny.

Yes, it is. She's a hooker.

8 -6 -7 -5 -3 -0 -9 -9.

Thanks for the hooker comment, Dan. Very, very sensitive there, buddy. It's

great.

Speaking of hookers, what's a good blowjob go for nowadays?

Jesus, Danny. I'm just asking.

Well, I never really asked, but...

Cops said she gets like a hundred bucks. A hundred bucks? You know, that's not

bad. That seems fair.

At one point, I would have paid whatever she wanted.

Whoa, there we go.

That's our angle. The whole deal should have been deemed null and void. A guy in

your position is not in total possession of his faculties. We'll argue temporary

insanity. That's what I love about lawyers, Danny. You know,

lying just come naturally.

Yeah. You know what, guys? I think I'm having second thoughts about this. Maybe

it'd be better if I spoke to Laura by myself. No way. No way, Kimo Sabe. This

the kind of situation where you need your power.

Okay. Watch my back, please, Tonto, and make sure that Terry Ann doesn't hit me

over the head with a frying pan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Terry Ann is going to be there?

Oh, shh. This is just great.

I leave a bar full of perfectly good lesbians so I can go visit my ex -wife?

You need to chill, Danny.

You chill, Brent.

What is your problem?

My problem is the bitch cheated on me.

Whoa, whoa, aren't you the guy with the blowjobs for humanity policy?

Yeah.

So? So, for a guy with some pretty liberal ideas, you sound downright

about being cheated on. Oh, it's not the same. It's completely not the same. Oh,

do you smell a burn victim?

Oh, you can shut up, okay?

You know, you're just sore because she cheated on you before you could cheat on

her. You're a classic case of what is called a cuckold.

And you are a fucking asshole.

You hit me? Fuck you.

That's the problem, is I can't loosen up. I always overshoot the mark and wind

up way past loose.

Better to stay tight. No, it's better to live.

Come on, life's passing you by, Allie. Hey, where the hell are we going?

The Jinx. No, we can't go to the Jinx. That's where they are.

They who?

They, the guys, they, Alan, Danny, and Brent, probably.

Ugh. Go someplace else. No way. Why should we go someplace else because of

Why? Because things could get ugly.

I like...

You want to see them?

I don't want to see them. Maybe I want them to see us. Huh? Let them know what

they're missing.

Stay in the fucking...

Laura?

They have to kick my car.

Son of a bitch.

Look, you didn't wrap us around a telephone pole. Oh, don't. Alan

was in control the whole time. Control what? Fucking control, Danny. Okay, all

right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I should have freaked on you.

It's just all this shit with Terry Ann is driving me crazy.

Bud?

Where'd you get this romantic cockhole shit from? You've been reading books

again.

Ah, Patron.

Serious margaritas were consumed here.

And?

They're about half an hour ahead of us.

Take the shortcut, we can catch them at the pass.

He's been boxed.

of hope she left them with the White Album.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

At least she left our heads intact.

Hey, you see this? You see this crap right here? This is direct evidence of

reptile node.

I mean, all guys want to eat this shit, but women have domesticated us into

cowering chihuahua lap dogs. Well, I'm sorry. Even dogs have enough balls to

snarf up an empty pizza box.

They're not here. I'm just going to wait around until she gets back.

Well, we can hang. We can turn on the deuce. I mean, Danny, you drove, so

got to stay. Hey, I'm staying.

I'm staying. No, really, you don't have to stay. Come on, really. It's my place,

too. No, no.

We're staying. We missed the excitement last time you got in trouble.

Who knows what'll happen this time.

Hey, friend, don't you sit there. Order a couple pizzas.

You're treated.

Why don't you order a couple of pizzas, Dr. Leakey? My charge card's running on

empty this month.

Yeah, we need a delivery, a large pepperoni, and one, uh... It's a

Shit, he's good.

Who are you calling? The psychic pizza hotline?

Three pizza time, ladies.

You're not the ladies who were here earlier.

Which of the ladies were you coming to see?

Oh, boy.

Sorry, guys. I didn't know they had boyfriends.

Husbands. Husbands.

Allison's your wife?

No, no, no.

Allie's single.

You know, we're waiting for them to come back.

Would you like a beer? Yeah, sure.

You guys want some pizza? Yeah, sure. This guy's amazing.

How are you with point spreads?

I don't see them. Alan said they were here. Maybe they left.

Gee, that's too bad.

thing as this. Not a squeezable ass in sight.

I don't know, that one over there looks kind of cute. That guy?

Did him.

Man, you are a heat -seeking missile.

He couldn't get it up. At least not in a significant way.

You're kidding.

He looks so promising.

Only with his pants on.

Evening, ladies. This round of drinks is a compliment of that table up there.

We've already seen Revenge of the Nerds.

See what happens when you advertise a little?

Laura, I don't know. Be good.

It's my night.

And told.

Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh,

look at him.

Mary. Wait, he's not wearing a wedding ring.

Oh, get real.

That's like saying...

Because he's not wearing a yarmulke, he can't be Jewish.

I'm serious, this guy is classic.

He only comes in on weeknights.

Won't give out his phone number.

One night, we had a little too much to drink, so we start making out at the

and he takes me out back to his Volvo wagon, which should have tipped me off

the first place, right?

We get in the back, and it starts getting hot and heavy, and my head...

It's a baby. He has hidden on the floor.

Your head was on the floor. You wanted to look at it. You got it.

He's over there.

Waving.

Yeah, we'd have Paul, ugly guy with a C average sitting on the bench. Hey, up,

guys. I got a blow for you. Where are you going?

I hear the jinx has happened.

Yeah? Let's go with Vince.

I mean, come on. The girls could be out all night.

No, it's okay. You guys go ahead.

No, I'm hanging with you, man.

No, it's okay, Brent, really.

I need to talk to Laura alone anyway. Laura!

Hi, I'm here.

Alan, you bad boy.

What's all this fuss about a blowjob?

Hmm?

Who are your friends?

Um, this is, um, um... Danny. Danny.

Hello.

Brent. I'm Brent.

And, um, Vincent.

Very nice to meet you, gentlemen.

Where's Laura?

She was gone when I got here.

Who is that?

That is Elaine. That is Laura's mother.

You never told us that.

This presents an interesting twist on the mother -in -law problems.

Guys, I'll catch you later.

Good luck, man. You look like you married into the right man.

You guys aren't leaving?

I was just going to hang out until it's, you know, see if everything's okay.

What?

is because she's suppressing rage. Jesus, you're like my grandmother with

clippings. Get away, please.

The manager wants to know if you guys can come here every night. We're making

bundle of you.

Slow down, girl.

Sorry, they're so good.

Who are these from? From the guys over at the pool table.

Have fun.

Great. We are about to be kidnapped, sodomized, and left in the woods for

Up there? They're pussycats. Here, just a smile.

Bye.

Don't kill us.

Oh, stop that. See?

Hey, gentlemen, I told you. Anyway, the article says that if... Wait, wait,

you... I don't want to talk about this here.

If you can't talk to us, who can you talk to? And maybe we happen to know a

thing or two about orgasms. Oh, I'm sure you do, but... I just find it

humiliating, all right? No, it shouldn't be. I mean, we all have humiliating

stuff, right? I do.

Absolutely, me too.

Okay. Prove it.

Fine.

This isn't something that happens so much as something that I want to have.

Come on, fill it.

Okay. I want to dance in front of people.

You know, like exotic.

Dress? You want to dress?

God. I know. I mean, it's horrible. I'm the enemy of all women. But don't you

think it's kind of exciting? I mean, kind of a turn on to have... All these

just around you and wanting you.

So that's why you've been working out so much.

No, actually, it is my workout.

I mean, just by myself, of course. But, you know, I do little routines. Oh, you

do little routines.

Wow,

do you have like a special outfit or you just take off any outfit? Okay, Laura,

your turn. Go, go.

Oh, I don't think I can top that.

Try.

Okay.

So, I had a huge crush on my poli -sci teacher in college.

Poli -sci? Oh, Jack Raymond! Oh, God, he was so gorgeous.

Oh, Laura, you could have had him. I know, I know, but I didn't want to just

another notch on his blackboard.

I wanted to be special.

You know, so I thought if I studied him, you know, figured out what made him

tick, then maybe I could be the one.

So I spied on him.

You were a co -ed stalker?

I hid in the bushes outside his bedroom window.

I'd watch him read, watch him dress.

So then one night, he brings home this waitress from the local diner, and I

watch him kiss her and slowly, I mean slowly, take her clothes off.

I mean, here he was, this guy could have anyone, but he was so into this kind of

plump, older woman.

I mean, it was the most amazing thing.

I mean, talk about... I mean, I got very, very hot.

Yes. Oh, yes.

And just as we're all about to come to a peak, the sprinklers go off, and I

screamed, and then he looked right at me. Oh, my God. Anyway, I got totally

drenched, and I ran off.

I never said a word about it.

But to this day,

I never need any help getting excited.

All I have to do is think about that window.

Oh, how much do I hate you, Laura?

Why?

Your humiliation story is like the most erotic thing I've ever heard. I mean,

it's like a French fucking movie. You know, I see it with subtitles.

Aren't you ever mundane?

It was totally humiliating. I got dreaded.

Give it up, Laura. She's right. What a charmed life.

Right.

With the exception of one drive -by hooker.

Alan, have you talked to Laura?

Did she say where they were going?

No, I haven't talked to her.

So what have you been doing?

Well, uh... Have you been staying with one of your friends?

No, I've been sleeping at my office.

Uh -huh.

Laura's father spent a lot of nights sleeping on his office couch.

Might be there still, for all I know.

Mrs. Robert.

Elaine, can I get you a beer?

Think you could find something just a little bit more interesting?

Absolutely.

So where do you suppose my wandering daughter and her friends have gone?

I don't know. When I got here, I found this mess, but no Laura.

Do one of you gentlemen have a...

Well, looks like we missed the party, but I don't suppose we should let that

stop us. Elaine, I fixed you a cosmopolitan.

Cosmopolitan. Danny, you are a true gent.

Yes, and a classic barbarian. Well, I know how to treat a lady.

Indeed you do.

And you, Brent.

Hola.

Hello?

Hi there, where are you?

Okay.

Would you two get a grip? She has opened up the pure mother of God's face.

I would still be living at home.

Wow.

Well,

I hate to break up the party, boys, but with Laura, I'm going to join her for a

nightcap.

Elaine, I know I fucked up.

Big time.

All I want to do... is grovel and make it up to your daughter for the rest of

her life. But, you know, she won't even see me.

Alan, you've got to understand something.

Laura has a very real image of you with your cock in another woman's mouth.

And trust me, that's a bitch.

She's not going to be easy to talk to.

But I believe what you did is very human.

It doesn't have to be the end of the world.

So you say something to her?

No, you will.

She's with her friends at the hijinks.

Is she there with...

Terri -Ann?

What's the matter, Danny?

Don't tell me you're one of those guys who can't handle seeing their ex.

No, I'm not. I can handle it. I can totally handle it. Good.

So are you guys coming or what? You know, I don't think that the Jinx is the

best place for me.

No woman respects a man who sends his mother -in -law in to do his dirty work.

If you really want her back, you're going to have to take the heat.

Kickboxing. Is it?

Kickboxing. You gotta let out all that pent -up frustration. That's what's

messing up your orgasm.

Is that the gospel according to Cosmo? Did you read it?

My mom's on her way. She says you should try a vibrator.

Please. Laura, you told your mom? Well, if anyone knows about your problem, it

would be my mom.

You have tried one, right? A vibrator?

You know way too much about getting off, all of you.

We enjoy sex. There's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, thank you for you to say. Your mom's so hip.

My mom makes sour lemon face whenever I take this shirt off on TV.

Why did they just show that on public television?

Fine. You can either go to a therapist and work on your mother issues for ten

years, or you can get yourself a little battery -operated therapy and be humming

in no time.

It's your choice.

Very funny.

Okay, hold on. Who's that?

Oh, my God.

It's yoga man.

Isn't he edible?

Hey, Jeff.

Hi.

Oh, you.

I have to pee.

Wait, what are you doing? The other two have really big hands.

I'm just going to go check on Laura. I'll be right back.

Laura?

Are you okay?

Come out, okay?

I can't. Not until Jeff leaves.

What? Why?

You have to promise not to tell anyone. I mean, no one. Okay.

I'm in trouble here, Ellie.

You and Jeff?

No, we didn't. Use protection?

Oh, my God, Laura, how could you be so stupid? Will you calm down? You're

getting far more freaked out than I am. We didn't even need protection.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I thought the way you... I mean, you sound... So what

happened? Well, you know, Jeff's very sexual.

I mean, he gives off this, like, sex thing.

I mean, in class, he just reeks of it. Oh, everybody reeks in yoga. It's lack

deodorant. Yeah, but one day we're hanging out and...

He kissed me. A kiss kiss?

You fried me, Allie.

God, I wanted to throw him in the back of his... Screw his brains out!

Oh, my God!

But, you know, I didn't. And that's the difference between Alan and me.

I mean, I wanted to, but I didn't. I went home.

God, isn't that amazing? I mean, you and Alan both...

It's this whole marriage thing.

It's not what you think, Allie.

It's like utility bills and lean cuisine, not candlelit dinners and

deep kisses.

It's just not very sexy.

Who said marriage was supposed to be sexy?

Isn't it about something more profound, more subtle?

Like the weaving of two lives together, the passing of the years, creating a

rich and unique tapestry?

What magazine did you get that out of?

Red Book.

I have it.

I'm not even 30, and I feel old.

I'm not ready for subtle tapestries. Do you want to hear what else it says?

Do I have a choice? It says that when you decide to stay with one person to

a marriage, that there will always be a part of you that longs for freedom.

See, that's what I mean. Wait a minute. Let me finish.

And when you pick freedom, there will always be a part of your heart longing

home, for that one person who knows and loves you best.

And believe me, freedom isn't always as enticing as it sounds.

Not when you're alone.

Nobody said this stuff was easy, Laura.

Only you can know what kind of longing you can live with.

Yeah.

So Laura's 26, right? Yeah. So that means Elaine must have been in high

when she had her.

She's old enough to know when she's getting hit on by puppies and boners.

There's no way to talk about Danny.

You know, Danny's got nothing on you, pal. Both of you are doing a real

I want on your pants dance back there. Yeah, but at least my puppy's boner is a

gentleman.

You know, I really hope I'm hallucinating here, because if I'm not,

fucking ugly that my two best friends are actually arguing about which one's

going to stoop my mother -in -law.

Stoop. Stoop, stoop, whatever.

I'm gonna end up with a goddamn marital crisis for getting a blowjob from a

fucking hooker. Jesus Christ, what kind of fucking slimeballs are you guys?

I can't fucking believe you two.

I was thinking of having Balaram Das do my charts again, and I was hoping you

could give me a massage before I do it. Sure.

She'll be happy to.

Great.

You haven't been in class lately.

I've been really busy.

You look like you could use a good relief.

Really? Hey, I saw you in Hacker 2 class the other day.

Really? Yeah.

You have great extension.

You must have been teaching down somebody else's leotard bunny. I don't

You don't?

It's important to listen to your body, Laura.

I know you don't have a problem in that area.

It's my job.

I have to be dialed in.

Speaking of dialing in, I dialed into myself, you know, this morning with some

meditation like we talked about. You want to dance?

Sure.

You're next. I promise.

Laura, Willie needs to move.

Here, hold this.

Excuse me, Maureen. What the fuck is happening here?

Maybe you shouldn't. Oh, yeah.

Let's just dance.

Do you see his hands?

Where are his hands?

Cut him out.

He can fight it.

So you know you're ready for the next level.

God, he is so good.

Really, really good.

Nice and slow.

You slept with him, too?

It's sort of a special gift, a purchase.

You know, I, uh... I think I sort of... We'd know if we did.

Should we say something? I mean, I think we should stop her.

You were the one who said you should have a good grudge, Buck.

I was. I did, but... Uh -uh. I hope

Laura knows what she's doing.

Pretty wasted. Oh, my God. What? Elaine.

Okay, um, I'll go. You keep the mom busy. Elaine!

Hi!

Hi! How you doing?

Hi!

So where's your husband?

I kicked him out.

You kicked him out and didn't call me?

I'm hurt.

It wasn't about you, Jeff. Don't get the wrong idea.

What was it about?

He cheated on me.

He cheated on you? And you didn't call me? No, I'm really hurt.

You

know,

so if you just think about it, I marry Elaine and I become your ex -stepfather

-in -law.

That's great.

That's great.

See you at Christmas.

This is Elaine.

This is, um... Hi!

I'm good,

good. Great to see you.

Laura is in the bathroom, so Allison and I are going to go get her, okay?

Be right back.

Alan, Danny, and Brent are here in the parking lot. I could find Jack and Laura

anywhere. Do you think it took off? You just told Elaine that Laura's in the

bathroom. Yeah, I've had to tell her something.

Maybe Laura could turn up any second. I thought you said Jack took his time.

Hi.

Hi, Brent.

How are you? Hi.

Hey, Alan.

Laura's in the bathroom.

Oh. Oh!

Think you could get me a drink?

Cosmopolitan?

Yeah.

You two know each other, I believe?

Nothing for today.

Thank you. Nothing for today.

Hello, Jerry.

Monogamy?

It's a man -made construct. It's artificial.

You know that.

Well, if it's so artificial, then why does it hurt so much when someone you

cheats on you?

Well, you're confusing socialization, biology, your elemental self.

There's no limitation.

You never give up, do you?

Is she okay? Because she's been there a while. She's upset.

Girls go to the bathroom. I know I did. Go to the bathroom. I was upset. My

daughter's upset.

Natural.

No, I think I should stay here and talk to Laura. I know you want to talk to

her, but you know what?

Ellie needs you. Go with her, and I'll take on Laura, okay?

Good night, folks.

Slow down.

Where are you going?

I don't know. It's not a good day.

Yeah, you know what? I think what you need is a glass of water and some

and a good night's sleep. Oh, screw it.

Sounds like Allie in there, but who is this supermodel on the outside?

You like?

Very nice.

Yeah? Very sexy.

You think I look sexy?

Yeah. To dress up more often. I mean, look at you.

You know, Alan,

I should tell you.

Things are so fucked up.

How could I have screwed up so badly?

Well, you're human, you know?

People mess up.

You think Laura feels the same way?

Yeah, I will.

I know you guys have a lot of stuff to work out.

Laura loves you, though.

That's for sure.

I want to hear something funny.

What?

I mean, it's not funny.

Ha ha. Funny, but... What?

Well, Laura will probably tell you anyway.

What? I am pretty drunk.

That's it?

They just tell you.

What?

You know I love you, right?

Of course I do. I love you too.

No.

I mean, I love you.

Like in a really big, bad, keep me from sleeping,

like... We could make beautiful music together kind of way.

How many years have you had to know? Oh, come on. You knew.

Crush. Maybe.

I wrote you letters.

Dax of them. I mean, you'd never send them.

And I even fooled myself into thinking that you, you know, wanted me to or

that you felt the same way I did.

But I knew you wouldn't do anything to mess up your marriage or anything.

Jesus. And, you know, it's not like I haven't been happy for you and Laura. I

am. It was.

But, you know, these things kind of have a life of their own. They can't just

turn on and off at will.

It has a life of their own.

So I thought that you should hear it from me, you know, instead of like a

or something.

Because it wasn't.

It wasn't.

Come on, Allie. I am honored.

Oh, God.

Hello. I mean, we're lame.

Lame table for one.

No, no, no, no. It's not lame. I think it's really sweet.

Oh, God. What is she with me now?

No, I mean that. I mean, I'm incredibly flattered.

I think if I didn't love my wife so much, I'd be in really big trouble.

Hey, I have thought about you.

and what it would be like. I mean, any sane guy would.

I mean, you're fun, you're sweet. I know.

I know. I scare myself sometimes. I'm so wonderful.

Is that it? Oh.

You're also an incredible babe.

Yeah.

This wasn't about hurting Laura or anything. I mean, you know that, right?

Wow. I'm sorry.

No, it's just... Wow.

Things are so screwed up in my life right now. Shut up, Colin.

The circumstances were different. I mean, if you were around when I was

single... I wasn't around when you were single.

I know, but if I met you before I... I met... Laura.

Right.

If you and I had gotten together...

And then you'd met Laura.

You would have wished you were free.

That's really the bottom line, isn't it?

With Alan and Laura.

Go talk to her, Alan.

Go find her before things get any worse.

I guess I always seem to... That's your cue.

Go.

I should go in.

It's okay.

I'll stop now.

It's okay.

Cover me, will you?

Thank you, Brett.

Something about this place makes me very thirsty.

Yeah, I can get pretty wild.

But you know, I don't really like this scene.

I guess I'm not your typical guy. I don't go for the crowds, the noise,

hysteria. Just give me a good, full, rainy night, anytime.

And what do you do for a living?

Don't mind my...

It's the usual choice for a quiet, introspective, non -typical guy like

yourself.

Yeah, it's a bear.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good hat trick as much as the next guy.

still in the bathroom?

Yeah, let's just split, okay?

She's obviously hiding out because she doesn't want to see you. I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's a good idea. You guys are going to blow.

You made things pretty hideous for all of us.

Look, she doesn't even have to talk to me. I just want to tell her I love her

and then I'll leave.

Well,

then hurry up.

Laura?

Long room, buddy.

I just want to talk to her for a minute.

Laura, are you in here?

Alan, Alan, go home, please. She'll be in a better place to talk to you

tomorrow. Look, I don't care what place she's in. I want to talk to my wife

tonight. Alan, she's not here.

All right, where's my wife?

Alan, have a drink. She couldn't have gone far.

She left your purse.

Yeah, man. Come on, cool out. Have a drink. She'll be back.

have a smoke or something no biggie what outside they who's they

laura

laura

who the fuck are you and what are you doing with my wife

alan slow down pal that's not what i was doing with her oh fuck you

Listen to your friends, Alan. You don't want to get hurt.

I've studied martial arts all my life. Oh, yeah, right. I'm Chuck fucking

Come on, asshole.

Come on. Here we go.

Pathetic piece of fucking shit.

Alan, it's over. Let's go. No, I just want one shot. One fucking shot. My car

cannot fucking take anymore.

Fuck your car.

She wants you to take her home, Alan. You've won.

Just call her tonight. I don't want to hurt you.

Especially in front of your lady.

That's right, asshole. I ain't fucking hurt. Come on there, yoga boy.

Come on. You see that? You see that? I'll fucking kick your... Come on. Come

Good. You got a couple shots in, right? Oh, yeah.

I saw some real moves there. I see why you fear your wife so much. Is she okay?

Oh, yeah. She's fine.

Daniel Fisher, I do personal injury.

So there she was, standing right in front of me.

I can't fucking believe this.

I thought your friend showed remarkable mystery.

Very spiritual.

Among other things, apparently.

Mom, I don't need your little judgmental innuendos.

Oh, you have an incredible mom.

My mom caught me with my hand down some weird guy's pants. Can you guys just

clear out?

Mom,

this is no time for a lecture.

When have I ever lectured you?

I don't know, but I figured now would be a good time to start.

Can I buy you a drink, baby?

Did you ever think you would see two people actually top our fights?

Nobody could top our fights, but, uh, yeah, I was impressed.

I was, too. I thought it was really animalistic.

Here's to chaos and disorder!

You're here!

Buddy, the way I see it, what just happened is either the last nail in your

relationship coffin or a positive thing. I mean, now you're even.

She's... just as guilty as you are excuse me you don't think the fact that

started the whole thing counts for anything okay he did his part sure but

got to admit the

Is that it?

Go away.

Can I just hide out in here with you?

Leave me alone.

Allison's embarrassing me.

The crowd's starting to throw money.

You mean to tell me you don't want to watch?

Well, yeah.

But it's Allison. I mean, it's too weird. What the hell is going on?

She warned us she shouldn't drink.

I know why I'm hiding.

Do you want to share?

Not especially.

Come on.

You know, we haven't talked in months, and now you expect me to be all

confessional? Don't hold your breath.

That was the problem, you know.

Will you just stop talking?

No, I think the problem was your wandering cock.

Me?

My God, Terry, you're the one who went out and banged half the Golden State.

Well, what did you expect me to do? Stay at home like a good little wifey while

you went out and messed around?

Me? Mr. Honey?

You're blocking up the wrong tree here. Don't give me that. I had proof.

Proof? I never did anything. You can't possibly have proof when nothing ever

happened. Then how come I found a goddamn condom in the toilet?

What? That's right.

It didn't flush, Danny.

It didn't go down.

That's it?

What else do I... the smoking dick.

Oh, my God, Terry.

You should have said something.

There was nothing else to say, Danny. It was pretty obvious what was going on.

That was... That was mine.

Of course it was yours, you fuck. No, I mean, it was... It was just mine. I

didn't use it with anybody else.

What the hell are you saying?

I'm saying that sometimes when you didn't want it, I would just do it.

By myself.

Wearing a rubber. You think I am that stupid?

Please, I mean, why would anybody do that?

Because it feels more like the real thing. It

feels snug.

I am being so totally straight with you right now.

It feels... It feels more tight.

It feels...

More real.

Cannot be our Alice. She is totally hot.

Let me get this straight.

You, you.

A condom to beat off with. Not all... Once in a while.

You know what? You look like I'm the biggest jerk in the universe. Don't you

it? This was all over something that never even by me happened.

Terry, I may be all kinds of fucked up. I admit that, but... I never cheated on

you. But I've never heard of anybody using a rubber to beat off with.

It's not the kind of thing that guys share.

We hadn't had sex for like a month, remember?

I was so horny for you.

For me?

Who else?

I was crazy about you. You had to know that.

I thought I didn't excite you or something.

Why? You just seemed so serious during sex.

And half the time, it felt like you weren't even really there.

Well... I... I guess I...

I got preoccupied. With what? Cheerleaders? No.

With your... You know. Your what?

I wanted you... to be satisfied.

Danny, I was satisfied. I told you it felt good.

I've never been able to...

Never?

I know.

I'm sorry.

Did you ever go to a doctor?

I'm going to say what? Get me off?

No way. I'm not going to some professional perv.

I want some stranger poking around my vagina.

That's not what I heard.

What? Oh, that's nice. You actually had me go in there. You really fooled me

into thinking you were a good guy. I am. I am a good guy. It's just a habit, you

know. It's been the last couple months of my life hating you. I got really good

at it. What a... No, whatever.

Come on.

Give me a chance here. We just found something out.

We just found out that we made some choices, some really shitty choices

things we thought about each other that weren't even true.

Please, Terry.

I want to stop hating you.

It makes me crazy to go on hating somebody I love.

It does.

You know, about your problem.

Oh, Danny, don't go there, please. Now that we're, you know, communicating

everything, maybe, you know, you could tell

me what you like.

You know?

Anything would turn you on.

Anything? Oh, yeah, anything, baby.

We never did it in a public place.

with Prime?

Only the good ones.

You know, we should go. They're going to be closing soon.

Just remember, sweetheart, we don't have to have all the answers.

Think how pointless life would be if we did.

Come on.

Alan,

what the hell have we been drinking?

I don't know.

Hey, boys.

Hey. You guys, uh, thank us.

We're leaving.

You two together.

Oh!

Well, this is it.

Armageddon aliens have fucked with the time -space continuum.

Reality is twisting out of control. Would you shut up, please?

Look, Alan, here are my keys.

You don't have to fuck my car up any more than you already have.

Everything's going to work out just fine with you and Laura.

Me and Terry can patch things up.

Anybody can.

Talk to you tomorrow.

See you, Brent.

Bye.

Okay, too weird to consider. I'll drink to that.

You awake, all?

No, Alan.

I'm really tired. Can I wait?

I've had the worst night of my entire life.

I mean, can you just give me a minute, please?

Maybe you shouldn't.

I wouldn't want you to get burned.

I know how to play with fire.

The trick is knowing when to let go.

So?

Talk. You boxed me? No, you boxed yourself. I didn't have to find the

So who's the guy?

Nobody. Who is the girl?

So this is just a fuck you?

No. I don't know.

Well, it worked.

I feel like shit.

Yeah, me too.

Are you having a thing with her?

No.

Tonight was the first night that we've...

Do you not love them, right?

No way.

Look, right now, everything in my life is so completely fucked up.

And I know it's my own stupid, drunk fault for picking up that stranded

motorist. Hooker.

Right.

So, we either just accept that everything we have is about to

Or we can fight it.

And I think we should fight it. It's not just about... The thing is...

I love you, Laura.

I mean, I'm crazy about you.

And I can't imagine being with anybody else.

I can't imagine loving them.

Having a kid with them.

And you're the only one.

And that's more important than all that other shit, you know?

I know.

But... But what?

I don't want to be tied together by cars and mortgages and kids.

I want it to be about love.

But it is.

I mean, for me, it is.

Hey, Alan, are you giving your wife a ride home?

I love you.

I know that.

But it's just like we're both changing.

So what are you saying? You want to give up on us?

I just need some time to think things over.

How much time?

A week? A month?

I'll let you know.

You know it's not over.

You and me.

I mean, you left me the White Album.

I left you the White Album because if I hear number

nine again, I'm going to blow my brains out.

Take care.

You all right?

Yeah, mostly.

Coming? No, you go ahead. Elaine's giving me a ride.

Yeah, not like that.

It's dropping me off.

It says I'm not old enough to come over yet.

Hey, is everything okay?

Yeah.

Dandy.

Quite a night.

You sure you're okay?

Is there anything I can do for you?

I mean, do you need a ride or something?

No, that's okay.

I've got Dandy's car here.

Well, maybe I can buy you a cup of coffee.

You know what?

I can't buy you a cup of coffee.

I mean, I'd like to, but... But I'm married.

Well, actually, I don't know how married I am anymore.

Well, the point is, I want to be married.

To Laura.

So as much as I'd like to have a cup of coffee with you...

I just can't.

You okay, man?

Yeah, I'm... I'm okay.

You take care, okay?

Maybe I need a lowrider.

Isn't it romantic?

Music in the night, a dream that can't be heard.

Isn't it romantic?

Moving shadows find the old...

But tonight, it's like 11

p .m.

Isn't it?