Original subtitles

Good evening.

This is not one of our regular writers.

We think it best that we keep them out of sight.

This is one of our apprentices.

You have, of course, heard the theory that if a room full of monkeys were

allowed to type for a million years, they would eventually reproduce all the

classics in the British Museum.

This is not so.

We have tried it, and while the stories they wrote were quite good, and many of

them publishable, they are not classics yet.

This gentleman is one of our trainees.

He types nothing but gibberish, but he is not to be faulted for this. His ideas

are quite good, and he has a flair for dialogue. He just can't type.

However, he has made some progress. For example, he now knows that it is naughty

to eat the paper.

Before tonight's story, we would like to present a sample of our young student's

work. Notice the skill with which he has captured the elusive banality of the

television commercial.

Yeah. Mrs. Morrow on two, sir.

Oh.

Hester.

Well, I don't care who's coming. I can't possibly get away from here for hours.

It's out of the question.

What are you waiting for? Don't you have a crochet class or something?

It's flower arrangement night.

Good night, Mr. Morrow.

I'm sorry, dear. I just had to sign something.

Look, I told you I'm up to my neck in work.

Well, maybe we can sit down, huh?

Oh, no. I want to dance more. I want to do the jerk.

Keep up with these new steps, you know.

What?

I say, every time I learn a new step, they invent another one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's that man?

Huh? Does he know you, Fiona?

That man just passed?

No, I've never seen him before. Well, he was staring at me.

You know he was in here last week, too. That same man.

Are you sure you don't know him?

Well, there's no one but you. You know that.

Well... You're all upset.

Well, I just don't like people staring at me, that's all.

I thought you were running from the police.

Do you like people staring at you?

Let's get them.

I don't like being stared at, especially by that man.

Come to think of it, I swear I saw him outside my office this afternoon.

That same man.

I believe he's following me.

Alex, you're imagining things. Don't tell me I'm imagining things.

I'm sorry, dear. I guess I'm just a little on edge.

Hiya, Alex. How's every little thing?

I don't think I remember you.

You don't remember me?

Steve Jameson? Yeah.

Yes. Sure you do. How do you do, Mrs. Morrow?

It's a great pleasure.

I must say, I've never been able to understand why an old married man like

Alex... Always spent so much time extolling the virtues of his wife. Until

minute. Look, whoever you are, you have me mixed up with somebody else. I'm not

a married man, and this is Miss McNeese.

Oh, put my foot into it, didn't I?

I think you'd better explain you've made a mistake. I've made a mistake, Mr.

Johnson. I'm sorry, Alex. Will you please get out of my way? I didn't mean

Alex.

Check, sir. Hey, when you get to be your age, Dad, you don't want to give him

too much of a head start.

Cab, sir? No, thank you.

Oh, yes, wait for me.

Fiona, Fiona, it was a joke.

Darling, it was a joke. I'm not married. I wouldn't lie to you. You're all I

have to live for, you know that.

Oh, I knew you were married, Alex. A man like you just has to be.

But I couldn't bring myself to believe it. I didn't want to believe it, I mean.

Darling, the man was joking. He was just joking.

I was afraid of losing you, dear.

Well, now you have.

You don't have to be like that.

Other people manage quite well.

But, Alex, I'm not the kind of girl that goes with a married man.

So, that's that. I'd get a divorce, dear, but my wife just won't give me

Now listen to me. Oh, no, don't touch me, Alex.

Please, please, we'll find a way, darling.

We will.

Oh, Alex, how could you do this to me? How could you?

It'll be all right, darling.

Believe me, have faith.

We'll... We'll find a way, dear.

There's that man again.

What man?

The one that stared at me. The one that's been following me. She's done it,

know. She's put a detective on me.

Then he is after a divorce.

Oh, no, no. She'd never divorce me. Never.

Having some eggnog, would you like some? No, thank you.

Sure, you sleep better.

I don't like eggnog. Why don't you watch your weight a little?

Do you really mind how fat I get, Alex? No, I don't mind how fat you get.

Exactly.

Exactly. Anyway, if you'd like me thinner, you can always arrange it, my

I only eat before going to bed for psychological reasons, as the ladies'

magazine so delicately put it.

How can you eat peanut butter on graham crackers?

Gotta get some kicks out of life, kid.

Actually, it's a substitute, you know.

Bet you never thought you'd grow up to be a substitute for peanut butter, huh?

Substitute? You took peanut butter on our honeymoon.

Needed it, too.

My entire love life has been the secondhand smell of peanut butter.

You're just lucky it wasn't garlic.

You sure you don't want something? No, I don't want any. Now, listen to me. How

was business tonight?

Big deal, huh? What's that supposed to mean? I had the day.

Those contracts were vital.

Okay, okay, okay. You don't have to answer it.

It's just like, how are you?

Nobody actually wants to know, Alex.

All right.

I was out with a girl. Is that satisfying?

I don't see why you should find it so funny, since your little man must have

told you the news already.

What kind of girl is going to look at you?

Even I'd rather have peanut butter and eggnog than I'm your wife.

Is that so?

Is that a fact?

Well, your little man must have faulty vision.

What are you talking about? What man?

That clown you have trailing me.

Shades of paranoia.

I don't have anybody trailing you, Alex.

You're trying for divorce, aren't you? You deny you want a divorce?

You know my attitude on divorce.

I'll give you one any time you like.

It's only the difference between living alone or living with you, and that's not

much of a difference.

You're after my stamp collection, that's it.

Oh, you'd love to see it broken up, wouldn't you? I don't want your lousy

But I do want my share of the profits if I'm going to be put out to pasture All

right, and that's the way you feel about it, but don't expect me to pay for any

detectives out of my pocket Alex

what are you talking about?

Alex, you better tell me because I haven't hired any detectives. You are

allowed in this room.

I am so sorry. I forgot. Just shut the door as you leave.

No.

I want to get all this man business straightened out.

It's all very interesting because a strange young man was here this

He asked about the neighbors and did they drink a lot and throw wild parties

did we like them.

He said he was an insurance investigator.

But he acted very peculiar.

He was a very handsome young man.

Black curly hair, Italian looking, and very charming.

I offered him a cup of coffee, just to be polite.

Was that him in the house?

He seemed all right.

Is it the same man?

Yes, it's the same man.

Alex, what have you been up to?

Are the police after you? Oh, shut up.

Well, who could it be?

Somebody's after you.

You sure this isn't some scheme of yours?

Who is he?

Is that in context?

If you'll sign them, I'll just mail them on my way home.

And you'd better read them.

There, all right.

It's 6 .30, Miss Rice.

Hadn't you better get on your horse or miss your fencing class?

It's home management judo.

Good night, Mr. Morrow.

Hello.

Darling, where have you been all day? I've been trying to get you.

I'll be right over. I'm leaving right now. No, Alex, you can't come over

tonight. Oh, don't be silly. You'll feel better about it after you've had a good

dinner. I'll be right over.

I don't want to have dinner with you, so don't come over. I won't be here. I'm

going out.

You. What do you want?

Let's talk, Mr. Morrow, that's all. Don't be frightened.

I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened in the least. As a matter of fact, I've

been wanting to have a talk with you.

Why?

Why? Why, because I want to know why you've been following me around.

Annoying me, that's why.

In fact, I was about to call the police.

So you'd better have an explanation.

Oh, I have.

I've been conducting an investigation of you.

You've been investigating me?

Who for?

For the firm that employs me.

My card.

What does FAC stand for?

It stands for Statistical Assistance Corporation.

Are you selling something?

I hope to.

You mean you're nothing but a salesman.

That's right, Mr. Burrow.

Although we're brainwashed into thinking of ourselves as company

representatives. You put me through all this just to tell me something. We're

very thorough, sir.

The lengths some firms will go to to make a dollar.

Well, I hope you realize this constitutes an invasion of my privacy.

realize that, and I apologize.

You'll do more than apologize.

I've got to show you.

You're not getting away with this.

I'm very sorry you feel that way, Mr. Morrow.

But because of the particular nature of the service we offer, it requires an

investigation. Of course, you're free to complain to my superiors if I've been

annoying you.

How would you like it if every time you looked around, some stranger was staring

at you?

Yes, yes, I'd be worried, I admit that.

Well, you will be worried, believe me.

And shortly.

But, uh...

If I could outline my service... I'm not interested in your services.

There's nothing I have to say.

Next time you hear from me, it'll be my lawyer talking. But you're a lawyer

yourself.

I don't handle criminal cases.

It would only take a minute to explain.

I would not give you a minute if I had all day.

But as a matter of fact, I have a business appointment.

Only Miss McNeese.

You see her every night, don't you?

I should think you'd be glad to skip a night now and then.

You've been tapping my phone. That's a federal offense.

Yeah, we do tap the phone, but I didn't have the time.

The thing is, Mr. Morrow, that ever since you met Miss Fiona McNeith

of 3304 Desert Towers, apartment B, let me see, the third of last month,

You haven't missed a day seeing her.

Oh, I lie.

You missed last Sunday, your wedding anniversary.

I thought that was very touching.

But before that, your visits to Miss Doris Thornberry of 11103

Valley Spring Lane were very infrequent.

Not more than twice a month.

This is a normal pattern for a man your age, by the way.

Before that, well... You were almost blameless, except for those odd

evenings not worth mentioning.

But it's the change of the pattern with Miss Fiona McNeice that interests us and

brought you to our attention.

It's what made us realize that you really need our service.

So that's it?

Uh -huh.

No. Not blackmail, I assure you.

Not?

Wouldn't we be better off in your office?

More comfortable and all.

By the way, I really enjoyed following that deal you made at the stamp auction

last week.

Sit down, please. Won't you?

May I?

Now, I think it's best that we begin by reviewing your problem.

What? problem. You're the only problem I've got.

I'll just review your problem as I see it.

And if I'm wrong, please correct me.

You've been married 25 years to Angela Morrow, maiden name Angela Fenton.

No children.

14 pounds overweight.

That's often the case.

I notice you have lost weight lately.

Love often has that effect.

You are in love, aren't you?

I am very fond of Miss McNeese, yes.

Well, by love I mean what any normal man your age feels for a girl of 26.

I know she told you 23.

But girls often exaggerate both ways, don't they?

What do you want?

Put it this way.

You're a middle -aged man.

An honorable man of character, well -off, extremely competent in his chosen

profession, who thought all that was path to him.

Who's suddenly been dragged out of his shell by a very beautiful girl half his

age. It happens every day.

Your wife, while a woman of many admirable qualities... I will not have

speak ill of my wife.

No, would I?

But she's by no means the light of your life.

A good companion in her better moods.

Comfortable.

Reliable.

A decent cook and housekeeper.

But perhaps lacking a certain effervescence.

Now that you've discovered through Miss McNeice that you're not quite as old as

you thought.

Hmm?

What are you getting at?

It happens to all of us.

We grow old.

So.

But long comes that special girl.

And we wake from the premature death of middle age.

And find we must negotiate a set of rapids. And a leaky boat with tired

I must say you do have a grasp of the situation.

We're flung back into life.

We open our eyes, and for the first time, we notice with some surprise a

strange old woman living in our house with halitosis and the most eccentric

habits.

When without her meddling, we'd really have been something.

Divorce is the most common solution.

But divorce is a messy amputation, especially when a man loves his own.

and has a lifetime of savings invested in a collection of stamps.

And so we come to a very simple choice.

We listen to our hearts, marry the girl, and see the work of a lifetime given

away to strangers.

Or we swallow our honor, close our eyes, and retreat to that premature

death of hair curlers and quilted housecoats we became so familiar with

years.

Or. Or.

This is where I come in.

You're murder incorporated.

Do I look and sound like the representative of gun -wielding thugs?

No, you don't murder anyone.

In fact, our motto is let nature take its course.

What's that supposed to mean? A home is one of the most lethal weapons ever

invented.

It has the power to electrocute, gas, poison, blow you up,

the water to drown you, the weight to crush you.

And if there's a fire, the door.

Most people die at home.

And not very peacefully, I'm afraid.

think I've listened to enough.

Newspaper clippings.

Here's a housewife doing her washing.

Catches her hand in the wringer and for some strange reason the release catch is

broken.

Too terrible to contemplate.

Another middle -aged housewife goes down to the basement to fix her furnace.

Boom.

Took two days to find her in that debris.

Ah.

And here's a case of food poisoning.

A husband.

Oh, yes.

Some of our clients are women, of course.

Are you implying that your firm has something to do with these accidents?

We call it accident programming.

Our engineers go in and analyze the subject's daily routine habits and from

compute the statistical death norm.

Death norm?

The most likely way the subject will die anyway, if left to his own devices.

I mean, we all have to go some way, don't we?

I suppose so.

We just help the statistics along a bit.

But I hardly expect you to be enthusiastic.

So soon, at least.

I can hardly believe this is happening to me.

Opportunity is knocking us tomorrow.

It's still murder.

Not quite.

You think about it.

I don't have to think about it.

I understand.

My number is on the card.

And this file is the complete and only copy of the note that I made on your

case. It's yours now.

It's been a pleasure, Mr. Morrow. Until later.

There won't be any later, I assure you. You've wasted your time.

Then goodbye, sir.

No obligation.

Must be mad I'm no murderer.

While our talented young friend is out of the room, suppose we take a break

A station break.

The second half of our program will be shown when we return.

There's not a bit of use wearing out that Bell cuz miss McNeese isn't here.

you mr. Morrow?

Yeah Did you leave a message?

She wanted me to tell you she was sorry She had a date and she probably wouldn't

be home for a week Well,

that's

ridiculous that's what I told her Where did she go?

I couldn't tell you that.

I see.

Leastwise, I'm not supposed to tell you.

Oh.

She's down by the swimming pool.

Try behind the big umbrella.

Thank you.

Jonah?

Darling? Go away.

No!

Darling.

Goodness sake.

Go away, please. Oh, come on, out of there. I want to talk to you. Alex, stop

doing me. I'm serious.

Alex,

let's go.

Fiona, I think you owe me an explanation.

You've got to be fair to me.

You're a married man.

You knew that. You admitted it.

Well, I wasn't sure. And anyway, now I've thought about it, I just don't

we should go on this way.

Listen to me.

Let's go up to your apartment and talk this out, huh? No.

I could catch pneumonia.

There's a dry cleaner's down at the corner.

Fiona, please, let's go up to your apartment, dear.

No, Alex, no.

I love you.

You brought me to life again.

I can't go back to that premature death of hair curlers and quilted housecoats.

I just can't.

I wish you'd fix this plug.

It gets so hot, I can't touch it.

Want some eggnog?

No, I want some coffee.

You won't sleep as well.

Did you see your little man today?

What little man?

The one who was following you.

Oh.

No.

I guess you must have given up.

Maybe it was a day off.

I had a thought about him.

Is she married, Alec? Who's who married?

This girl of yours.

What girl?

Never mind.

Only an honest man can lie well.

You're terrible at it. I can't step out of the house without you suspecting me,

is that it?

You know, I can't live without Angela.

Well, leave then.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

I told you before, I don't care one way or the other.

I mean, there's nothing between us anymore.

There isn't even an echo of something that used to be there.

We're just a couple of old cheats in retirement.

We both got what we deserved.

What do you mean, a couple of cheats?

Don't flip. It was years ago.

What was?

You didn't think you were the only one that ever got bored around here, did

I was still quite an attractive woman when you wrote me off, you know.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that's what happened to our lives, Alex.

They went right down the drain with little lies.

Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. How do you like it? Angela, do you mean to

tell... Yeah, I mean to tell you. I don't want to hear any more.

We have some very nice cocktail lounges around here. Who? Who was it? I demand

to know.

Who?

You heard what I said. I want to know who it was.

Okay, you want to know who? Don't toy with me.

Well, then, first, shouldn't you say whom?

Is that the plural of who?

No.

Who covered the lock? I'm saying, but... Angela?

Yes, Alex.

You've been making a fool of me behind my back all these years?

No.

I have nothing to do with that.

You've been working at it ever since I first knew you.

Don't touch me.

If you were jealous, I wouldn't care.

But I have never been anything but... a servant to you.

Alex Morrow.

I think we just might be able to do business.

You've changed your mind. Well, I... It's all right, Mr. Morrow.

Most of our clients do, once or twice at least. We expect that. I'm sorry to put

you in all this trouble.

That's all right. Because of the permanent nature of our business, we

clients to be sure.

We've had men who changed their minds, gone back to their wives and lived

happily ever after. Oh, no, no. That wouldn't be the case with me, believe

I understand.

But if you'd like to think about it a bit more, I'll be back the 18th of next

month. You're leaving town?

Yes. We move around, you know.

But you will be back.

How do I get in touch with you?

I'll get in touch with you.

Unless, of course, I'm posted elsewhere.

You know, I just can't.

I just can't swallow the idea of coming here. I just can't swallow it.

I know.

Maybe if you could tell me a little more.

How you do it and all.

I think a number two iron should do the trick, don't you?

I just hate to see you go away, you know. I slept so soundly last night.

made up my mind.

Would you mind telling me a little?

If you like.

Now then.

Very simple.

You just give me a very thorough list of all the machines and appliances.

And any peculiar habits your wife might have about the house and a rough floor

plan. I see.

After that, our engineers will move in and fix things.

You can put the whole thing out of your mind. You'll never know when it's going

to happen.

We find this a very great comfort to our clients.

That's all.

That's all?

Well, not quite all, huh?

$7 ,500 now, and the same amount when we complete the job. Ridiculous. I can't

afford that. Now, now, Mr. Murray, you're forgetting my investigation of

affair. We expect very prompt payment, of course.

$15 ,000 is a great deal of money.

Out of a $100 ,000 stamp collection, that's not too bad, is it?

I suppose not.

When?

Well, we're booked rather full right now.

I don't think we can fit you in for a couple of months at the earliest.

Then it's all off. I can never stand the strain.

Or today.

Today?

Today.

Try your drive slightly to the right. The traps are notorious on this hole.

Thank you.

Could you have your wife come to your office this afternoon?

To, uh...

Sign some papers.

A little legal double talk.

Our engineers will move in this afternoon, and that will be that.

Except for a final meeting tomorrow, perhaps.

What'll happen then? That's your concern.

Oh, I would suggest that you go to your club this evening. Make sure you're

noticed there.

Return home about midnight.

And make the shocking discovery that your troubles are over.

You make it seem so easy.

Johnny, it's me.

Let me in. I can't see you now, Alex. What's the matter?

It's got to end sometime.

Oh, darling, you don't have to say it. Goodbye, Alex.

What?

Jonah! Jonah.

Things have changed, dear. Now you've got to let me explain.

Alex, you're a married man.

It's hopeless.

It isn't, I tell you. Now you've got to let me in to talk to you.

It's just another trick.

No. I'm practically a free man, I tell you, dear.

I'm as good as free.

You said that if I were ever single, you'd marry me in a flash.

Then she's giving you a divorce. No, no.

But... Well... I met this man, you see.

Well, he came to me, actually.

He represents his firm.

A very reliable firm, in fact.

They handle situations like ours.

Now, it's perfectly all right.

You read about it in the papers every day and you never think for a moment

anything but an accident.

Well, I mean, a housewife goes down to fix the furnace and... Boom.

Has nothing to do with us.

It's called statistical assistance.

You see?

Murder.

No, not really.

Murder!

Well, now, what else could I do, darling?

Murder? Darling, what else could I do?

Alex, you've got to stop that man.

Well, I can't stop him now, Soleil. But you've got to.

Alex, you've got to. If you don't, I won't have anything more to do with you.

Oh, don't say that to me.

Alex, no, I mean it.

Now, I mean it.

Murder?

Hello?

Alex Morrow.

Has anything happened yet?

Well, you've got to call it off.

You've got to.

Can you stop it?

I don't know yet, but you already called me.

Here.

Oh.

Got the rest of the money?

Yes, I have it.

I still don't see why I should pay you the balance of $7 ,500 to stop a murder.

I've explained all that to you already. It takes more time and skill to undo a

job than to set it up.

We have to ask for payment to cover ourselves.

Would you open it, please?

Is it all there?

Yes, it's all here.

Put it back in the envelope.

Thank you.

05 here.

Too late.

Too late?

Nothing they can do about it now with her there.

But what am I going to do? She's got to be saved.

Easy, easy.

You can stop it yourself if you want.

How?

What time does she go to bed?

Ten, ten -thirty.

Here's the setup.

Our engineers substituted some sonodine sulfate pills for the vitamin tablets in

her medicine cabinet.

When she takes her bedtime eggnog and pops in those pills, well, she's going

get a full blast of sonagen sulfate.

That'll kill her?

Normally, no.

But with her metabolism, we know she'll have a higher reaction.

It should only take a matter of seconds. She won't be having any more eggnog.

Sonagen sulfate.

For heart condition.

For heart condition? She doesn't have any heart condition.

The doctor will know that.

You might as well be advertising what you're doing. I thought you were

professionals. You certainly sell better than you perform.

Well, like most firms today, I guess we do train our salesmen a bit better than

we do our engineers.

They always did think we were weak in pharmacy.

But that's modern business, isn't it?

That's modern business, huh?

What about the money I just gave you, if you can't stop it?

If it can't be stopped, we're back to the original deal.

Just let it get there fast, Tom.

I'm afraid I can't go with you. Another appointment, you know.

It's going to take me an hour to get home. Supposedly, it goes to bed early.

You fools, you've put a noose around my neck.

Maybe you'd better hurry.

If anything goes wrong, I hold you responsible.

Angela?

Angela.

Angela.

Angela.

You're home.

You're all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

What's the matter?

Did you take your vitamin pills in your eggnog tonight?

Why, yes. What's the matter, Alex?

How long ago?

About half an hour ago. What in heaven's name is this? Shut up.

Are these the pills you took?

Yes. Half an hour ago?

Yes.

but it'll only take a second.

There's nothing wrong with those pills.

You've tricked me.

It's Alex Murrow.

You've taken me, but I'll get even. I'll get to you.

I'll get you. You won't... Hello, Alex.

Fiona. Yes, it's me, Fiona.

Yes, he's here, but there really isn't much point in your talking to him.

He's taking me on a long trip.

Oh, well, don't you worry about it. We'll send you lots of postcards with

kinds of strange stamps on them for your collection.

He was rather sweet.

Fiona, darling, I have to repeat what I say to you after every job. Don't get

involved with the clients. I know.

It was the easiest mark yet.

If our luck continues, we should be able to retire soon.

It's been five years and you promised.

Okay. Whatever you say.

What's the matter? Have they stopped printing stamps or something?

Are you sure you won't have some eggnog?

You'll sleep better.

Okay.

Whatever you say.

My friend simply could not master the typewriter.

So we've made him the producer.

Actually, there wasn't much we could do about it.

His uncle owns the studio.

We will show you scenes from next week's story after the following commercial.