Original subtitles

Good evening.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the absolute ruler of a

nation?

I am finding out.

I am the winner on a television show called King for a Day.

I am a trifle disturbed, however.

I just learned how they are able to provide for a different winner each day.

This country, like the Earth, has one revolution every 24 hours.

It is reassuring to know, however, that the state funerals are among the best.

As usual, this prologue has absolutely nothing to do with tonight's play, which

tells the story of a little man who becomes involved in a very odd charade.

One of my first acts as king was to ban from the country forever

all television commercials.

They were deported to the United States.

Here is one of them.

Lucy. Lucy.

Lucy.

Do you want to freshen up before lunch, dear? No.

Well, you always do.

I mean, I want to freshen up.

But I don't want lunch.

You're not dieting again.

Walter, I'm trying to say something very important to you.

Is something wrong?

I must tell you before I explode.

Well, my dear. I am not a very ordinary girl.

Of course you're not.

You're unusual and wonderful.

But you are a very ordinary man, Walter.

Symbiosis.

Opposites who attract.

I mean, that's why we love each other. I punch cards for a computer, you oversee

them. I want more out of life than that.

You love me.

I'm near you every day, five days a week.

That's not love, that's confinement.

Confinement is what I feel for you, not love.

Our engagement... is over.

But how? Why?

Let me go. I deal with things as they are. I'm not just a computer technician.

I'm a realist and I demand to know. Because you're Dullesville.

Ordinaryville. A what?

Nothing ever happens to you or with you.

You're too plain.

So plain that if I didn't see you every day, I wouldn't remember what you look

like.

You hate me.

Worse, baby. I'm indifferent.

You arouse nothing.

You're a square peg in a square hole.

I read books. I have a good education. I go to the basketball games.

I close my eyes and I can't even describe your face.

Paint it. Dye your hair green. Wear a flower pot on your head. Do anything

before it's too late, Mr. Walter Mills.

I gather this means we won't be having lunch together anymore.

We've been engaged for six weeks.

And I feel like we've been married for 60 years.

All right.

All right, go ahead.

I don't need you, not at all.

I'll marry a rich girl and live a life of luxury, a rich one.

May I help you, sir?

Yes, yes. I'd like to see something for a friend.

Oh, yes.

Well, perhaps an evening wig as a gift for your lady.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

They certainly do look real.

They are. They're made of real hair. Of course, that's why they're so expensive.

How much?

Well, they start at $300.

The men's must be cheaper.

Oh, yes, they do begin a little lower.

But then, of course, a lady wouldn't look very well in a man's hairpiece.

Oh, look at that.

A little gray in the temple's hair. It looks just like Cary Grant.

You know, I have a good idea.

I'll tell you what let's do. Let's just go in here and try this on. Oh, no, no,

no. I wouldn't. Yes?

Just be seated, if you please.

And please remove your glasses.

I'm not really interested for myself, of course. Of course.

It's hereditary.

Most baldness usually is. It started when I was 21.

Now, of course, this is going to stick a lot better with the adhesive.

But you can go in swimming, diving. It'll even take winds up to 100 miles an

hour.

I do look different.

Yes, you certainly do.

So very, very different.

Yes, you look like a man with hair on his head.

How much?

Do you have a credit rating?

No, I never charge things.

Oh, well, the wig is $250.

How am I going to afford that?

I got some money saved.

There's something wrong.

Why? You said I look different.

I know you do from the eyes up.

But, well, if you wore a handkerchief... Look, let me show you.

You see, you are different.

You're even romantic.

But it doesn't do anything for the lower part.

What about... Great idea. A beard. I've got just the one for you.

It certainly does look different.

You know, I didn't really come in for my girlfriend, you know. I lost her.

Well, don't you worry.

When you get this, the girls are going to come flocking.

You'll see.

They'll flock.

Well, maybe you see it that way, but I don't see it that way. Well, you never

see it my way. Well, why should I when you're wrong?

You were in the Navy, weren't you? Too long ago to remember.

You can remember something about boats.

It's about sailing boats.

May I help you?

I beg your pardon?

Well, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. I used to sail a great

deal.

You look like the captain of a liner.

An ocean liner.

No, no, not that kind of ship. Mainly for pleasure.

Racing sloops, all that sort of thing.

Really?

Where?

Uh, Caribbean, mostly.

You didn't sail in the big race, did you? What do they call it?

The Bermuda. No, no. Hated competitive sailing. Took all the fun out of it.

Well, uh, doesn't one get enough of man against man in his daily life, in the

cities, in his work, in politics, everywhere?

Sailing.

That's man against himself.

Man against nature.

Like a war.

Not to fight nature, but to struggle it through so that he might find his peace

with nature.

A full sail, running before the wind, turning all of nature to use.

It takes struggle to do it right, and work, but the rewards.

Once you've found your peace with nature, with the sea, once you do that,

that's knowing security and happiness like nothing else in the world.

Of course.

I don't think it's true. Why is it true?

Because you never sailed. Never. And you always talk about going out. You never

do. Only talk, like everything else.

You're becoming unmannerly, Curly. I don't like that.

I'll bet you sailed everywhere.

Oh, yes.

Around the world?

Several times.

Are you famous?

Not really.

I mean people who sail mainly for pleasure, not to prove anything. They're

the famous ones, are they?

You must be famous. You look famous.

I do?

What's your name?

Marshall.

Philip Marshall.

Oh, I've heard that name somewhere before. I go to all the regattas I can

the boat show every year.

Come on.

I was talking to Mr. Marshall. Come on, sleep.

What time?

It's almost... I was asking Mr.

Marshall.

Well, if he has a watch.

Do you?

Yes, yes, of course. It's 5 .15.

Didn't you have an appointment?

Not that I can remember.

I do.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to cause trouble.

Oh, it isn't any trouble. He isn't my husband or my fiancé or my... Well, what

can I say?

Boyfriend. He's just someone that I have a drink with and go out with once in a

while.

Oh, I see.

Well, now, tell me about your sailing.

I'm dying to sail.

Is it hard to learn?

Oh, no, not at all, not at all. I could teach you. I mean... Would you?

Would you really?

Oh, easily.

Miss... Noreen.

Noreen Kimberly.

Oh.

Noreen?

And where might you be going, sir?

Answer me, sir.

I am a friend of Mr.

Mills.

Friend? Never knew he had any friends. No one ever came here to see him before.

He has many friends.

Many.

Where'd you get the key?

He gave it to me. I'm to meet him here.

Well, if you're his guest, that's two to the room, and you tell Mr.

Mills he's to see me if he expects to have guests often.

I shall indeed tell him when we meet.

You're sure you're a friend?

Are you implying that you suspect me of some nefarious motive?

No, no.

It's just that you're such a sort of classy gentleman. He's such a weasel,

know what I mean?

Mrs. Adams, that is your name?

Yes.

My dear Mrs. Adams, I find my friend Walter Mills to be a gentleman of

and taste and imagination.

In my travels around the world, I have met many heads of state.

I have found few men of such simple tastes with such profound abilities.

Good night, madam.

Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir.

I'm new.

I'm free.

I'm a new free man.

Who is it?

Mrs. Adams.

Uh, just a minute.

Just a minute.

Where is he?

He? Oh, don't play the innocent with me, Mr. Mills.

You've been letting a friend use your quarters.

Oh, you mean Mr. Marshall.

Oh, you mean Mr. Marshall.

Sure do.

Well, he doesn't stay. He just visits.

I saw him come in here. I saw him beard and all.

I tried to stay awake all night listening for him to leave, but I fell

Well, he came in all right, and he's pretty good at sneaking off. He didn't

sneak off.

Then he's still here hiding.

Neither. Hiding on my premises. Well, I'll call the police to find him. No,

Then he is still here. No, he left. I swear.

How long has this been going on? Two months? Three months? Well, not long,

honestly. Well, long as... Not for somebody to deliver a note for him here.

A note for Philip Marshall?

That's what that curly man said.

You're not Mr. Marshall.

Well, I'll give it to him when I see him.

Not until you pay me back rent for Mr.

Philip Marshall sneaking in and sneaking out of... living free off of me.

I demand that... Very well, Mrs. Adams. Have it your own way. And you'll pay it

in cash.

No checks.

I'll pay nothing.

I'm moving.

Do you have rooms to let? Indeed I do. Come in. You?

I'd like a large room, the best you have.

Well, this is a family type of rooming house.

I hope so.

I mean, it's nothing fancy, Mr... Marshall, Philip Marshall. Mrs. Jones.

Mostly working people and such.

I am a working person.

You look like an employer.

If you'd rather not rent to me... Oh, didn't say that at all.

Let's go.

What is your occupation, Mr. Marshall?

I am semi -retired.

Oh, how lovely.

We have a young widow living here. You must meet her. She's an awfully good

cook. I'll be eating my meals out.

Well, as you wish, of course.

Oh, by the way, before we go any farther... Oh, we'll discuss the price

room after you've seen it. It's my very best.

No, no, no, it isn't that.

I have a business that requires meetings.

A young man works with me sometimes in the evenings.

He won't be staying over.

No, no, no.

Oh, extra charge for extra guests staying over, you know.

Of course.

Isn't it a lovely room? Beautiful, beautiful.

Now, about the business associate.

Well, I don't see why not.

Ah, fine.

If I'm not at home when he stops by, show him in.

His name is Walter Mills.

Hello. Hello. Is Noreen there?

This is Noreen.

This is Philip Marshall.

Remember me?

Do I remember you?

Why did you wait so long to call?

I thought you'd forgotten about me.

I've been moving.

I wondered when I might see you.

To go sailing?

If I owned a ship.

Is that difficult?

Well, she certainly is a fine ship.

Boat. In a manner of speaking.

Does she use a spinnaker?

She carries a gin.

Ah, yes, sir. Uh, there it is.

Well, whatever it is, she's lovely.

Uh, Mr. Keeper, could I see you in private for a moment?

Okay. Certain business details.

You want to make a sale? Well, I ain't in this business for my health. Well, I

want to buy that boat, but you're making it most difficult. How?

By correcting every little thing I say. Okay, okay, okay.

You see, I don't want to argue with you. As a matter of fact, I need your help.

I was trying to give it.

You figured that out, huh?

What? I don't really know very much about sailing.

That ain't hard to figure.

She doesn't know that.

Oh, I get it. Now, she's going to want to go sailing pretty soon.

Immediately. Now, what am I going to do?

I could put a little three and a half horsepower outboard in the well. A lot

guys do that now. You mean in case the wind dies down or something?

Look, I supply the boats and the motors. You supply the excuses.

You could go in the boat with us.

I charge for sailing lessons.

Nothing free.

Of course.

How much is that boat?

Three thousand cash.

The bank will take a one -third down payment.

Okay.

Well, I bought it.

This boat?

Isn't this the one you liked? Well, look at this. It's broken.

Ah, no, no, no, no.

No, that gudgeon was missing.

I just replaced it.

Now, you slip those gudgeons over the two pintles in the stand, and your

rudder's in place.

Rudder's in... Well, I'll do it.

After you sign the contract.

Just a shot.

Did you hurt yourself?

I think I'm going to have to bandage that. I'm afraid I cut it a bit.

Boys.

It's very kind of you to do this for me.

It's the least I can do since you drew blood for me.

You're a most gracious lady.

That embarrasses me.

Compliments embarrass a woman as attractive as you are?

Maybe it's the kind of compliments.

What kind have you had?

Most obvious.

Ah, yes, yes, I see.

You have a most attractive apartment.

Thank you.

You must have a very good job.

No, I don't work.

Inherited? Rich husband.

There. Husband?

Oh, almost an ex -husband.

Ever hear of Joseph Kimberly?

No.

Does it matter?

There is only one area of my life where I do not consider the consequences of my

conduct, and that is with a beautiful woman.

Any beautiful woman?

Noreen, let's stop playing games.

I'm a mature man.

I enjoy your company.

But like so many American women, you insist on making the relationship

man and woman a game, a contest.

I have neither the time nor the emotional nor intellectual makeup for

maneuvers. Well, I... Let's just talk about sailing.

You're such an unpredictable man.

Like you were two different people.

Isn't everyone?

Yes, I... Yes, of course. But I never thought of myself that way before.

It's who we are mainly that counts.

Mainly, I'm a single woman.

Oh, what a beautiful face you have.

Can you see it?

What a beautiful beard.

Beautiful?

It's so interesting.

So exciting.

I've never known a man like you before.

It's like, like you're a mystery.

A hidden secret that I have to know.

I didn't even notice.

Walter Mills?

Walter?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Then suppose we go back upstairs to your girlfriend, huh?

Your girlfriend now.

And then I'll rip off that beard.

She is your girlfriend now, isn't she?

What do you want?

I followed both of you, checked on the boat, all of it.

Please don't tell her.

Then I want something back.

I haven't got much money. Money? I don't need money.

I want you to hide something for me.

Hide something?

About $50 ,000.

Wouldn't a bank be better?

Silver and jewelry.

Stolen?

That's right.

We shall have the second half of our story after this word from the court

jester.

Well... I don't know what to say.

Just say yes or no.

No.

Okay.

Wait a minute, where are you going? To see my ex -girlfriend. She won't believe

you. Why not?

Because she loves me.

It isn't my word against yours. It's just a tug of the beard.

If it's real, you yell out.

If it isn't... So long, Noreen.

Wait.

I can't hide it in my room. It's rented. The landlady cleans every day.

Not your room. Your boat.

My boat?

On the mooring. Rent a mooring.

What's a mooring?

An old seafaring man like you doesn't know what a mooring is? I don't have to

take your insults. A deal. Just make a deal. A mooring in that marina is an

anchored float.

You tie your boat to it. They rent them. And then?

Well, first things first.

Like?

Like going fishing, buddy boy.

Like going fishing.

Your mooring's number seven, right out there.

Yeah, everything's ship -shaped.

You, uh... You know how to start the motor?

Oh, sure.

First you come down here with a pretty girl to buy a boat. Then you crush your

finger and you rush off with her.

Now you come back and wake me up at dawn with a...

Check for a down payment and a guy that wants to go fishing.

Isn't dawn a good time to go fishing?

As long as your check is good, who cares?

Now fish out near the breakwater.

Lots of bass.

Thank you.

We've been out here for hours Haven't we been out here long enough?

All right start the motor better hurry before the fog lives

Bring me the rope tied to the sack.

No trouble. Maybe I'll cut you in when I sell the stuff.

This is for that knucklehead back at the marina so he'll see us take our gear

back. Boy, you think of everything, don't you?

Everything.

Did you put an ad in the paper asking for the whereabouts of Walter Mills or

Philip Marshall? I sure did.

Why do you want to know?

Money. A reward?

I'll give it to you from the money Walter Mills owes me.

Well, I know Mr. Marshall, but I don't know anything about Mr.

Mills. You will, honey, just as soon as I can get there.

And then one night, Mr.

Marshall turned up. A beautiful beard.

A gentleman, I thought.

He was a freeloader.

He pays his rent.

Now he does.

He's so cultured.

He cheated me out of four months' back rent. The other one did.

I think they were correct.

How do you mean?

One of them rents the place. The other one secretly moves his stuff in. Then

when they're caught, they move out.

I find that very hard to believe.

Do you think I'd waste my good money on a personal that if it wasn't true?

Let's go up to the room.

There'll be evidence of two living there if it's true.

You bet.

You didn't have much to wear clothes.

Always wore the same thing.

This is Walter Mills' jacket.

And that's his suit.

And these slacks.

I used to check everything in his room. Can't trust rumors too much, you know.

That's funny.

All these clothes are Walter Mills'. How do you know?

I recognize all of them.

None of these clothes belong to anyone except Walter Mills'.

But Mr. Marshall lives here alone.

I know.

I keep tabs. Nobody cheats me.

Well, if he's living here alone, if he's living here alone and has all of Walter

Mills' clothes, where did he get them?

Good evening, Mr. Marshall.

Good evening.

I'm Lieutenant Johnson.

I'm Philip Marshall.

He certainly is.

Good evening, madam.

Don't you matter me, you fraud.

Shh, please.

No.

I beg your pardon. Well, these ladies call the police department.

So I gather.

Sit down, Mr. Marshall.

Thank you.

We just want to ask you a few questions.

Of course.

Oh, do you know Waller Mills?

Yes, yes, indeed.

An old friend of yours?

Oh, yes, yes, for several years.

Ah.

You shared a room with him in Mrs. Adams' boarding house, right?

No, no, no, we visited. Oh. Only visited.

Yeah, but you help each other out, right?

As friends do.

Uh -huh.

Did he lend you his clothes?

Uh... Yes.

All of his clothes?

Uh... Yes.

What's he wearing now?

He? Yeah.

Bought new clothes.

Well, why would he give away good, usable clothing to buy new ones?

Actually, I bought the clothes from him.

For how much? Now, see here, I don't have to answer all of these questions.

No, no, no, you don't.

Would you like a lawyer?

What for?

Right.

Now, how much did you pay for this?

A few hundred dollars.

Ah, that's more than it's worth. No.

Well, he needed the money, extra money.

Oh, I see.

Where do you work?

Self -employed. At what business?

Nothing at the moment.

Self -employed at doing nothing? I have held jobs.

Where?

Self -employed. Doing what?

Selling things, various things.

Where's Walter Mills?

I don't know.

Oh, now, come on. A good friend for years and you don't know where he is?

He said he'd write. Where's Walter Mills?

I told you, I don't know.

Hey, is he dead?

No. Well, then where is he?

I... Can't tell you. I'm sworn to secrecy. He's dead, isn't he? No, no,

on now. Did you kill him? No, I didn't kill him. He isn't dead. He's as alive

anyone in this room. I've told you I have done nothing.

Well, can you prove that?

He's Walter Mills, too.

I am Walter Mills.

But I've done nothing wrong. I've harmed no one.

I... played a role.

But I've cheated no one.

Please leave me alone now, please.

Gosh.

Why?

Why, what?

Why would a man go through all these elaborate preparations?

What are you really hiding, Mr. Marshall?

What are you hiding from the police?

Are you accusing me of committing a crime?

No.

No, of course not.

Ladies, would you excuse us a minute, please?

But I called you. And this is my house.

Outside, ladies, please.

Please.

Now, nobody goes through all this without being up to something.

And we'll send through an all -state check on you.

I told you I have never committed a crime.

I'm going to have you checked out here, everywhere.

Everyone that you've ever known.

I've done nothing. I've never stolen anything.

What's wrong?

Indigestion.

You know, you can tell us everywhere you've worked, everyone you've known.

Now, we'll list you as being cooperative.

That's important now. Very important to be listed as cooperative.

Huh? But I'm innocent. I told you I've done nothing. I'm innocent.

Of what? Of everything. Of practically everything.

Why?

Nobody's innocent of everything.

All right, I'll tell you all the places I've worked, people I've known.

All except one.

I'd like to tell her myself.

Oh, what is it?

I have a message for you from Philip Marshall.

I was expecting him.

Yeah, well, he can't come.

Well, why not?

Had something happened? Is he hurt?

Well, could I come in and tell you about it?

Who are you? A friend.

An old friend of Phil's.

Oh, please tell me. Let's begin with, he's not who you think he is.

Well, he's a very wonderful man. That's all I have to know.

Yes, he was, wasn't he?

He's dead?

No, don't shout. No, he's not dead.

Oh, thank heaven.

He's too alive, too vital, too wonderful and exciting to be dead.

For some people, you cannot think of as dead.

That's right.

That's right, not Phil. I mean, you can think a lot of things about him, but not

dead. What things?

Well, how can you kill something that never existed?

That's ridiculous.

I don't mean like a ghost, but a man.

But a man who wasn't what he seemed to be.

Now listen, you. Whoever you are, don't attack him.

Don't come here telling me you're his friend and then tear him down.

He's a magnificent man.

He's imaginative, loving, poetic, exciting.

A real man.

Something different.

Why, if you were just half the man he is... I am.

Am what?

I'm half the man he is.

Exactly half.

Stop teasing me.

You tell me whatever you came to tell me or get out.

Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

Grown man playing Halloween every day.

It wasn't just the beard?

In the beginning, maybe.

But then, sweet man, then it took much more.

It took the real you.

Whatever that is.

The man who's standing here now.

The man I kissed.

The most important man.

Yes, but you're married.

And I'm a fraud.

You're real.

And I'm legally separated.

Why did I... But it's over.

No. No, it isn't.

It's only just begun.

My landlady got the cops on me. They think I've committed some horrible crime

just because I wore a beard.

You've done nothing but love me.

Is it because I'm still married?

It's because I have done something wrong.

Tell me.

Tell me.

Because I have committed a crime.

What is it?

Curly.

Oh, that horrible man. See, somehow he found out that I was masquerading and he

was going to blackmail me.

Why did you let him? He made me hide something from him, something valuable,

something that he stole. Oh, you fool, you... Oh, no. No, I didn't mean that.

You did it for me.

Oh, Curly, that cunning, vicious animal.

I could kill him. Oh, no.

No, he's stronger than you are.

Now, he stole and he involved you. How?

We hid, I believe it's called the loot, in a sack and then tied it to my boat

mooring.

Well, you've got to get rid of it.

You mean sell it?

No, you've got to cut it loose from your mooring and dump it someplace else so

that it isn't connected with you.

Then if he calls the police... Would he do that?

To hurt me almost anything.

He'd lose the money.

But he'd destroy you.

He didn't strike me as a vengeful man. Crooked, yes, but not vengeful.

No, you have to get rid of it. You have to.

Then he can yell and scream and call the police, but he'll lose everything.

Me, the money, everything.

Right.

Right.

Brilliant!

Hey!

There's the private marina. Oh, it's all right. It's only me.

Wait.

See?

Philip Marshall.

Do you always run around in phony beards like that? No, sometimes just for fun.

No comment. You get what I mean?

No comment.

Look, I didn't steal that stuff.

It's because of the beer. You never sailed a boat, either. Now, why'd you

suddenly buy one? It's because of Noreen. You see, I loved her, and I

want her to find out. But now she knows anyway, so it doesn't make any

difference. Yeah.

She's a rich girl, huh?

Yeah. No, well, I guess so, yeah. Yeah, well, your ex -fiancé said that you told

her that you only wanted to marry a rich girl.

Joseph Kimberly, wife Noreen Kimberly.

Curly did it.

Noreen will tell you about Curly, you ask her.

We did.

She said that Curly and her husband were old friends, but that you hated her

husband.

And she told us that we'd find you here.

I never met Joseph Kimberly.

Then why were you pulling his body out of the water?

It's going to take a lot more than a false beard and wig to hide what you

to get away with, Mr. Mills.

Curly and Noreen.

may have flown now, but they paid later.

Sharing the sack with Mr. Kimberley was some very incriminating evidence, and

the pair was eventually brought to justice.

By the way, I'll be staying on here for a while.

We declared our independence from the producer of King for a day.

He's now looking for another kingdom.

We have already signalled out the target for our next revolution.

We are granting him this next minute to plead his case.