Original subtitles

Good evening.

I am attempting to assist my brother Alfred in introducing this evening's

shilling shocker. It is called See the Monkey Dance.

There seems to be no end to the humiliations which I suffer in the name

and profit.

See the Monkey Dance, indeed.

One of the disadvantages of showcases...

is that although it is sometimes possible to put the actors on strings,

audience is considerably more difficult to manage.

We are experimenting with a limited type of control, using a single string and

tying them to their seats.

Tonight's play is indeed entitled See the Monkey Dance.

It is the story of a man who finds himself involved in a mad charade.

which he neither understands nor can escape.

It begins in a few moments.

Why don't we stop in here? Three or four minutes, that's all, sir. Thank you.

Glenmont Exchange.

Hello, miss. Number, please.

I'd like Glenmont 239, please.

239? Yes, and hurry. Thank you.

Are you alone?

Yes, baby.

I'm all alone. You can say what you want to.

The ogre won't be back until Monday.

Two. Count them.

Two whole lovely days.

Not on the phone.

You say until later on?

Never, girl. In an hour, baby.

One hour, my love.

Mm -hmm.

said, as you well know.

So you're going to read, are you?

I was thinking of it, yes.

Typical, typical.

Here he comes. If you don't mind.

If you don't mind.

Right, aren't you?

No, I don't mind. It's probably all for the best.

Typical.

What is so typical, if I may ask?

You are typical.

That's what is typical.

Now, just exactly.

How do you know that I am typical?

Because everything you do is just what one would expect you to do.

All right, then.

I am typical.

Now, that is just one more little thing in life that we shall have to put up

with, isn't it?

Now, here it comes. If you don't mind.

If you don't mind.

Now, look here.

Will you please tell me if you have decided to annoy me until we reach the

station? Because if so, I shan't try to read at all.

I'm not trying to annoy you. Well, then let me put it this way. You have

succeeded without trying.

Well, I certainly didn't think I was annoying him. Well, you were.

But I'm not now, am I? Would you like something to read, or are you too drunk?

I'm not drunk.

Well, then you should see a psychologist.

And I have something to read. Thank you. All right, then. Why don't you read it,

then? Very well.

Don't have to take that attitude.

to be rude to strangers.

Are you all right?

Yes, sir.

Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry I annoyed you.

I made it up like that.

Please forgive me.

Oh, no, that's quite all right.

I've been to the psychologist and they say it's a perfectly normal reaction to

my sort of work.

I see.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

That's quite all right.

I'm a physicist.

Oh, how interesting.

I'm afraid that's all the ministry will allow me to say about it.

I'm in the brokerage business myself.

The city.

Nothing but high pressure. I tell you, I don't think I could stick it myself

these days if I didn't have a little place in the country I could go to near

Glandrin.

Near Glandrin?

Yes.

That's a coincidence.

I have a place myself near Glandrin.

Really? Yes.

Isn't it a charming little town?

Oh, well, now, I said that I had a place near Landry.

Actually, that does make it sound rather grand, doesn't it?

Really, you see, well, I have a caravan.

I have it parked on the edge of a field on a hill over the town. A caravan?

Yes. You have a caravan?

Yes.

Isn't that a laugh?

Well, I don't use it very often.

I don't see what there is that's so funny about having a caravan, however.

no, no. The fact is, I have a caravan, too.

Oh.

You do?

Yes. Really?

Yes.

But I think we were both referring to them ever so vaguely as country houses,

weren't we?

Well, one does always put on an inside, eh? Yeah.

My caravan's on the edge of a farm over the town just like yours.

Oh, really?

Yes. Strange we haven't met before.

I thought I knew the area very well.

Who owns the farm you're on?

Williams. Williams Dairy Farm. How?

I'm on Williams' property, too.

Williams the Dairy?

Yes, Williams the Dairy. Curious, isn't it, that we haven't seen one another?

Tell me, where are you parked exactly?

Well, it's rather difficult to describe.

I go out of the station.

I walk straight through the town, past the pub.

There I cut through the alleyway, out of the town.

And I take the footpath, past the brook, up the hill.

Yes, yes, I know exactly where you mean.

I go that way myself.

And then I go down the road for about 150 feet.

There's a gate.

Now, I am parked right inside that gate, in the corner of the field.

Tell me, when did our sly friend Williams rent this caravan to you?

Oh, he didn't rent it to me.

Oh, no, no, I leased the land from him.

The caravan is mine. I moved it there myself. I've had it there for years.

Most curious.

Oh, no, we simply can't be talking about the same place.

No, we can't, because when Williams leased that land to me, he promised me

he would not allow anyone else to park there.

He told me the same thing.

As far as I could see, three weeks ago, he hadn't broken his word.

I believe it's in my lease.

I mean, he could...

What did you say?

There was only one caravan on William's farm, and that was mine.

A green one.

Parked in the position you just described.

You're, uh... You are having another one of your spells, aren't you?

I believe we're going to be late this evening.

With the hundreds of times I've taken this train, I don't think it's been on

time once.

Is that your experience, too? Yes. No, the train is never on time.

Don't you think we should talk about this?

I don't see any necessity for rudeness.

It's just been a little mistake.

Now, look, we can't possibly both of us own the same caravan, now can we?

Actually, I think it's very interesting. Oh, here, allow me. You know, I think

it's one of those things...

Once we have it straightened out, it's going to make a very, very funny story.

I'm sure the whole thing is explainable.

By my madness, you mean?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that.

But you think I'm mad, don't you?

No.

So, you pretended to own my caravan just to torment me, didn't you? No. Just to

see the monkey dance.

It's just been a little mistake.

I have made no mistake.

I am going to my green caravan.

The position of which you described very accurately.

And I'm going to spend the weekend there, resting and taking walks in the

surrounding country.

And I hope I shan't be bothered by anyone, because these weekends away from

work are very important, not only to me, but in some small way, I believe, to

the defense of this nation.

Well, I'm not going to argue about the obvious.

caravan, then there is no argument.

How many bends are there in your caravan?

My caravan has one large bend.

It's a permanent bend.

The sink is stainless steel.

The tap is nickel -plated, and it has an H on it instead of a C.

Even though it is cold water.

That's because the day I went into the shop to get it, we're the only one

There are yellow curtains on the window.

I'm afraid they're not very well made because I put them up myself.

I put those curtains up.

So you have been in my caravan, you rotten sneak.

But you know about the tap.

How did you know about the tap?

This was the last one in the shop that day. You couldn't have known.

How did you know that?

You're... repeating my own words back to me.

You're crazy.

You can't fool me. You're some kind of nut. That's what you are.

You believe that if it comforts you?

That's my caravan.

We were talking about my caravan.

We'll see who sleeps there tonight.

What do you think? If you don't mind.

No, if you don't mind.

That isn't typical.

If you continue to annoy me, I shall pull the emergency cord.

Annoy you?

The key.

Now, I have the key. Now, tell me, would I have the key to your caravan?

How did you get that key?

Thought you'd say that.

Typical. When you lit my cigarette, you bit my pocket, didn't you? Give me that

key.

You swine!

You did.

It was self -defense.

There was nothing else I could do. Now, I'm sorry if I hurt you, but you forced

me. Tell me back my key.

Oh, look here.

Don't you think you have carried this far enough? Now, if you give me any more

trouble, I am going to go to the police.

Yes. I'm sure they'd like to hear how you assaulted him.

That was self -defense anyway.

We'll see.

Oh. Come on, Green.

I don't know what you're saying.

Come on, you're going to my car.

Miss? Yes? I would like pin 239, please. And I'd rather hurry.

Thank you.

and leave me alone.

What are you doing?

He's out of his mind.

You, clear off my land.

This is my field and my caravan.

And if you don't clear off, I'm going to call the police.

What are you digging that hole for?

I'm digging this hole for you, George.

For me? I may dig another for your girlfriend, but I haven't made up my

about that yet.

What girlfriend?

You'll be along in a little while.

Your girlfriend.

But I haven't got a girlfriend. Are you stark raving mad?

Two whole lovely days.

Two. Count them.

Oh, all right, then. I do have a girlfriend. What business is that of

Uh -oh.

I suppose that I must not bring my girlfriend into your caravan. Is that

It isn't my caravan.

I was just fooling you.

I didn't know where it was.

I wanted to make sure you'd lead me to it.

Who are you? Take a guess, George.

Her husband.

I am not going to try and lie to you.

That's good.

It was, um... Well, simply one of those things, and I'm awfully sorry that it

had to happen.

I'm going to kill you, George.

Shortly after, when she arrives, I may kill her as well.

But I haven't made up my mind about that yet.

Would you like a drink?

Later on.

Actually, I'd rather you didn't come any further than that.

Why?

Because you can run faster than I can, and I don't want you to get away as the

last one did.

Now, see here.

There's a gun in this case. I'll use it if you step out of that doorway.

Oh, look, now surely we can talk about this.

Not really.

The one thing we have in common, I mean...

Our woman, George, is a joy to you and an agony to me.

What can joy possibly say that agony will understand?

I didn't know you felt that way about your wife. Really, I didn't.

Of course, if we had time to know one another, we might become friends.

Not really good friends.

I find you a bit pompous.

Certainly the best of acquaintances.

Oh, now, see here. I don't think it's too late at all for us to become

Now, now, George.

No, no, no, it's true.

Oh, I do have a pompous streak.

It's my business.

I am so glad that you mentioned it. Most of my friends, they would never bring

it to my attention, and one should know these things. One should have a friend

who will tell him these things.

I do wish you'd try to be brave. Of course, I can understand your anxiety,

she'll be along in a minute, and it'll all be over.

I had a good run for your money. Now it's time to pay.

Is she nice to you, by the way?

If you love your wife, how can you possibly ask me that?

Of course I love her that I can ask.

I live in the eye of this little hurricane of misery and anguish, George.

I only asked because she treated her last boyfriend most abominably. Some

of animal. Yes, under her feet. I felt sorry for him myself.

Oh, you, um... You didn't know there'd been others.

I'm sorry.

You could have broken it to him more gently.

Yes, he's quite a girl. A woman.

But I decided it had to stop.

So I set out to kill the last one.

And I certainly would have, but for an unfortunate occurrence.

What happened?

Oh, don't hope it will happen again.

I haven't practiced using the gun. I missed. Hit him in the leg.

Ironic, because I understand he's got a limp today, just like mine.

Anyway, he ran off.

And I allowed our woman to pacify me.

It was a mistake.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't know.

Now, didn't you feel better after you calmed down?

Yes, but then it all began again.

Nothing in life is ever really cured, George, by calming down.

I must keep on this fire in the belly going.

Soak it up.

Push the day's action to a climax.

Why don't you have a few more drinks?

Now he's going out with the shakes.

How did she treat you, George?

Very well, I suppose.

I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

Does it embarrass you to talk about her?

Yes, I suppose it does in a way, yes.

Youth seems to be fashionable.

Youth?

Getting younger and younger these days.

You weren't on much of a poetic plane with her, were you?

All tickle and slap with it.

Look, I don't know very much about women, really.

Oh, you aren't a married man.

No. No!

That's good.

That makes it much easier for me.

No, wait. Come out here.

Come on.

Come on, pal.

I want to hear her say your name.

That's going to be the signal when she says George.

You are being rash.

If we could only talk. Oh, no, your hands look ridiculous.

To be on our side of your lives, we might as well make her think you're a

boy.

You can't.

You date for a while. Keep your mind off things.

Me?

Yes, hop in here.

hang you.

If there's a God in heaven, they will hang you.

Yes, I fully expect they will.

Unless I can establish a diminished responsibility.

Pressure of work and all that. Actually, I'm rather looking forward to it.

You see, George, I've given up.

And like you, I need this woman on a very permanent basis.

I only feel at ease when I'm with her.

When she's beside me in a room.

My mind stops working.

The door closes on the world.

And all is well.

And I'm at home.

I suppose she is my home.

Can you understand?

Oh, yes.

I thought that way with my mother.

Yes. It would explain why you never married.

of agreement.

What good is it going to do to kill me?

You're making it very difficult for me.

I don't want to start feeling sympathy for you.

I don't deserve to die for this, and you know it.

Oh, look, it's not the same today.

A hundred years ago?

Yes.

Then they thought of a woman as a sort of possession.

Like your horse.

If a man stole your wife or your horse, you shot him.

But not anymore.

No, we don't do that anymore today.

Man doesn't own a wife today.

More likely the wife owns him.

Keep digging.

I made up my mind.

Nothing is going to change my mind this time. Nothing.

You will never forgive yourself.

It's an injustice.

It is not an injustice.

It's every moral right.

Not for me. I may want to get drunk later on.

Oh.

Oh, so you admit it.

You don't want to go through with this at all.

No, but I'm going to.

How did you know that I was on that train?

I know about the whole weekend.

A detective.

You had her trailed. I didn't tell you, so she must have.

On the contrary, you did tell me.

You gave me the whole plan.

You know that habit she has of tucking things into the top of her dress?

Yes, used tissues mostly.

Infuriating habit.

Well, that's where she tucked your letter when it arrived.

Letter?

What letter? I never wrote her a letter.

Then she went out to do some gardening and it fell out.

Surprising, because she's rather well endowed in that respect.

Anyway, I found the letter the next day lying on the compost heap.

Dear darling baby.

But I never wrote her a letter. Do you think I'm a fool?

You told me earlier you didn't have a girlfriend.

Oh, yes, but I never wrote her a letter.

She must have left her car in the town. Open the door. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

There has been a mistake. Open the door. Oh, look, you've got to listen to me. I

want to hear her. I want to hear her. I want to see you die.

No, no, please, please listen to me. I'm innocent.

Open the door.

Open the door.

I never wrote a letter in my whole life.

I am innocent.

Don't you stop mumbling.

You're not innocent.

You admit that you're guilty, even if you didn't write that, that you're still

guilty, aren't you?

Yes, but I... Well, stop trying to squirm out of it.

Anyway, I don't believe you.

You've got to believe me.

There. There it is.

Do you deny you wrote that letter?

Oh!

That's not my... I didn't write that. That's not my handwriting.

It's not.

Dear darling.

I have missed you so dreadfully, dreadfully, since last our lips touched.

But Baby must not think of that, for he will become too excited to write his

darling a letter.

All night Baby has been awake.

Does that sound like me?

I confess you don't look the type to write drivel like this. But then no man

does, and there's a lot of it written. Wait a minute.

Read that again.

Wondering what his darling has been doing with her little self all day.

And if the dreadful ogre... Ogre, ogre, ogre.

Look,

that sounds like her. That's the way she writes.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, she'll write a letter, sign your name to it, and then go to all the

of mailing it to herself and having me find it. Sit down. No.

Now look.

You look at this.

Now look. That's my handwriting. Look.

disguise your writing. Oh, did I know that you were going to find it?

No, no, that's true.

She's after me.

You'd hang if you killed me.

Oh.

That's clever.

Yes, that way she would be rid of both of us.

No, no.

She's bored.

She's always bored.

Oh, I don't mean any more to her than a fly on a windowpane.

She isn't that clever.

She just isn't clever.

Isn't she?

in the lake. It was a letter then.

I found a letter that time, too.

Why didn't I see it then?

I know nobody's ever tried to kill me before.

She planned the whole thing.

Only it was supposed to happen last time.

Well, I'm not the kind of a fellow that one tries to kill.

And to think I've been living with a murderess all this time.

Oh, it changes the whole world.

Knowing that somebody wants you dead.

Why, she could have killed me any time she wants.

Well, the thought of her frightens me now. She does frighten me.

I wonder if she's poisoned me.

I haven't felt very well lately.

You know, I don't think that I will ever be able to trust another woman as long

as I live.

She'll be here any minute.

Yes.

Yes, now, just what are we going to do? What is she going to do when she finds

out that we know?

Yes, what is she going to do?

Hmm.

Well, I'm leaving.

Oh, yeah, I don't even want to see her.

Yes, and you'd better come along, too. You know, she's capable of anything.

She's a monster.

No, no, no, I'm not leaving her.

What? I'll never leave her.

She must have found out we've worked it out. Promise me you won't tell her,

please. But why?

Because if she knew we'd worked it out, she'd have to leave me. Promise you

won't tell her.

Well, all right.

Yes, but you can't live with her. She wants you dead. I'll never leave her.

But she's tried to kill you twice already.

I don't mind that, really.

You see, murdering is like hating, and... Hating is a form of loving, you

Oh, I... As long as she's alive, I'll never leave her.

Well... I'm off.

I, uh... I might be able to live quite happily if she were dead.

Then I could forget her, you see.

Well, be sure to close the door when you leave.

George. Yes?

I'm sorry about tonight. I'm sorry you're involved.

That's quite all right.

When she does kill me, of course, you'll be involved again, and I'll apologize

for that in advance.

How do you mean, I will be involved again?

Well, you're her boyfriend. You're the man with the motive.

They're bound to suspect you. And if I know her, she'll do her best to make it

look as though you're the guilty one.

Yes, she will.

Won't she?

I'm afraid so.

I'm sorry.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

This must be straightened out.

I simply must get out of this mess.

I am a respectable man.

We could kill her.

I am not a murderer.

I've often thought about it.

I might have the nerve to do it if you were with me to help.

That way we'd both be free.

That way we would both be in jail waiting to be hanged. No, no, there's

way.

As I told you, I've given it a good deal of thought.

You know that steep hill leading down into the town?

It's a very windy and tricky road, isn't it?

That's our sitting cement back plumber.

What are you doing here? Where's George?

George is gone.

What do you mean he's gone?

I roughed him up a bit.

And he decided that discretion outweighed his passion for you, my dear.

He fled.

Who are you kidding? You couldn't rough up a blanket, you coward.

You used to call me baby.

Where'd he go?

It's no use calling him, my dear. He's gone.

We had a little talk and he left.

You turned him against me, I'll kill you.

I explained my position and he agreed that I had just prior rights to you.

Since your dear husband doesn't go away so often, George and I have come to a

complete agreement about your weekends.

I wouldn't so much as shake hands with you if I were wearing rubber gloves.

What did you tell him?

I told him I loved you, which is true.

Get away from me. Where did he go? Please don't go. Stay just a little

You're for your own good.

I'm warning you.

You're warning me.

Any more nonsense from you and I'll have my husband put a kink in your other

leg.

You're nothing but a tramp.

A high -class tramp.

Go on, then, go on!

I don't care!

Thank you for the high class.

I'm going to the station to pick up George.

And if you're here when I get back, I pity you.

She tried to kill us.

She tried to kill both of us.

Look, shouldn't I call the police?

Yes, they should be up here shortly.

They will know that I have heard the crash, and they most certainly will have

heard about it down in the town.

They'll be along soon enough.

Yes. Well, then what should we do?

Well, if I were you, I'd run down to the curve in so little concern over the

corpse. They'll recognize her car.

People know she was your girlfriend, don't they?

Oh, yes.

Yes, but I'll go down there right away.

Are you coming?

I'm not supposed to be here.

Oh, of course.

George. Yes?

What about this grave here?

It's going to look rather suspicious, isn't it?

To the police, I mean.

Oh, good heavens. Yes, I forgot all about that.

But how am I...

How am I going to be able to fill that in in time?

I won't be able to. How am I going to be able to explain it? Better think of

something. That little girl saw it, didn't she?

Oh, yes.

The Williams girl. I forgot.

It's certainly going to look very suspicious.

Well, I'm going home.

Now, wait a minute. You're in on this, too.

It'd be bad if I was seen about.

Got a light, George?

Oh, yes.

Now, look, you have to help me. I simply cannot do everything alone.

Thanks. I mean, unless you do help me, the police will be able to figure out

everything that happened.

Yes, well, you'd better get rid of that wingnut and the hammer.

The lead will have come off on the wingnut, you know.

Very dangerous bit of evidence, that.

Oh, by the way, you might get that car grease off your hands. It's very

noticeable.

And don't forget your fingerprints.

Listen. Look.

Unless you help me, I am going to tell the police that it was her husband who

helped me. Now you are an accessory.

Yes, will you do that, George? You do that.

You tell them her husband gave you a hand.

Who are you?

You're not her husband.

Did I say I was?

I don't remember that.

Really, you'd better hurry.

Wait one moment.

You said you had never been here before.

Goodbye, George.

That's a good fellow.

I'm going to tell them what happened.

I'm going to tell them everything that happened.

I'm going to tell them exactly what happened.

George was not the only one to go down to defeat.

The authorities insisted that the stranger go with him to prison. They

enough trouble coping with crime as it is and just didn't want to break up a

losing team.

That concludes tonight's episode in Brother Alfred's own theater of the

He plans to present some more buffoonery when he returns next time.

if he returns.

Weekend TV satisfaction, it's guaranteed here on TV Land with Pandemonium

Marathon. All the best episodes all weekend long, so stay tuned.