Original subtitles

Good evening.

I am not the driver of this quaint vehicle.

I'm riding tourist class.

The first class passengers ride inside.

I'm sure I needn't tell you who is in there.

They come as standard equipment.

One school mom, a minister, a lady of doubtful virtue, a man

unjustly accused of murder.

and a drunken doctor who will die later in the picture.

Actually, one shouldn't be too hard on the doctor. I'm sure it's clear now why

prefer riding on the outside.

This evening saga misses being a western by some 70 years and 3 ,000

miles, but the spirit is there nonetheless.

It takes place in the world of business, where men are men and the women are

secretaries.

But I see that some varmints are about to stage a holdup. A holdup of exactly

one minute.

Hello, Eddie.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Joke's five o 'clock in the morning. How do you do it?

What are you doing?

I couldn't sleep, so I decided I'd come a little early and catch up on the

books.

We usually go over them with the accountant.

I don't trust him, Eddie. Not completely.

I keep my own audit, I meant to tell you. It's a double check.

Looks that way, doesn't it, partner?

That's an odd thing to say.

And sometimes you come into the office late, like two in the morning.

Well, you know I have insomnia.

You bought a new car.

Oh, you saw it.

Yeah, I was going to show it to you as a surprise. I thought maybe we'd take a

few days off and go up the mountains.

On whose money?

Dutch treat, like always.

And what about your girlfriend?

Oh, she has a friend for you, Eddie. And I tell you, yeah, she found a great

girl for you. The kind you always talk about.

Not my type, but yours.

I don't know whether I can afford such things anymore, Charlie.

I'll stake you, buddy.

Don't call me buddy.

Hey, something's upsetting you.

Something's really at you.

Tell me what I can do, Eddie.

You can return the money you've been stealing from the firm, Charlie.

That's crazy.

A new car, a big apartment.

You pay for the girls' apartment, too, don't you, Charlie? The clothes, the

charge accounts.

I have it all here, Charlie.

Read it, my friend, my good friend, my best friend, my old -time buddy who I

grew up with, my trusted companion. Read it, Charlie.

It's all here.

I knew since the last audit, but I had to have proof.

Lies. A South American hides deal, Charlie, where we negotiated for

fibers. that you traded for a boatload of Australian wool.

Well, at least we broke even on it. Yeah, sure, we broke even, but you made

profit. The kickback, Charlie, the under -the -table payoff.

We broke even, but you, you made a profit.

Who's been telling you such terrible lies? The auditor and the people that

kicked back.

I didn't take that much. How much?

I meant to return it, Eddie, but I was trapped.

How much?

And where's the cash that's left?

Cash? What cash? No cash is left. Charlie, I'll kill you.

I swear on our friendship, Eddie, on my life. That's swearing on nothing right

now.

All right, okay.

I spent it all.

Every cent.

I was so... I was so guilty, I took it. I had to spend it as fast as I got it.

You know what I mean? The compulsion to spend out of guilt.

My enemy could have done this to me, Charlie.

No sharpshooter in the whole international broker game could have

like this.

Only a beloved friend.

You're right, I know.

I know of the past three months.

But I couldn't stop.

The nicer you were to me, the more I wanted to steal.

Never pays to be nice to me, Eddie.

Women were kind to me.

Boss! Shut up!

There's still $60 ,000 unaccounted for, Charlie. The private detective can't

find out what you did with it. The auditor can't either.

You'd kill me for a measly $60 ,000? Me, your best friend?

I knew you'd understand.

I knew you wouldn't let anything like money come between us. I'm not going to

kill you for it, Charlie.

Because I want it returned in this office tomorrow morning or you go to

seven counts of criminal fraud.

Seven comps, that's... 35 years.

You can add when you want to, can't you? I'd be... 70 years old.

That'd kill me.

Precisely.

Ungrateful monster.

You have the craziest way of saying hello, sweetheart.

Eddie, what a friend. What a miserable, no good, lousy friend.

Can I get you a drink?

What is friendship?

Is it being nice, saying how do you do, come to tea?

Or is it being there when you need a friend?

How about a snack?

Nice guy, I used to say.

Nice guy.

Anybody can be a nice guy when there's nothing at stake.

But as soon as something goes wrong, he wants my life.

Fried eggs?

Like you showed me your mother used to make?

All these years, through school, through the lean years and the fat years, and

then we finally make it. Make it!

Now he wants to send me to jail till I'm 70 years old just because I took all of

the extra 95 ,000 bucks from the business.

You mean all of this came from all of that?

I made a few bad investments.

Some stocks.

Side deal on raw return from the Indies.

You think you've helped me with stolen money?

Borrowed, not stolen. I just borrowed it. Are you taking any side against me?

No, no. I just wondered how you managed to do it. You're so brilliant, darling.

You're just brilliant.

But does Eddie appreciate it?

He's probably jealous. He always was jealous of you. Because I'm younger.

And handsomer.

I meet the public.

People call up, they don't ask, is Eddie there?

They ask, where's good old Charlie?

I know I do.

Think a man would say, Charlie, for all we've been through, I forgive you.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Everybody. Kiss me.

What does he say? Go to jail.

Oh, I'll miss you terribly. Go to jail for 30, 40 years.

And to think you spent it all on me.

What good will our money do me in 30, 40 years?

What money?

How did he figure out the $60 ,000 I stashed away?

How did he do it?

$60 ,000?

He's a monster.

I'll never forgive him.

Never. In cash?

Cool cash?

You know, he sent a detective out to tail me.

Me. His own partner.

And you know he had the auditor check up on me?

Me. His own partner.

You know why he caught me?

Because I never suspected him of such dirty tactics.

You know why I never suspected him of such dirty tactics?

Because he was my friend.

And I trusted him.

He betrayed my trust in him.

That's really too much.

A man like that.

A man who'd do a thing like that doesn't deserve to live.

Where did you leave the $60 ,000, honey?

I didn't realize it.

But I've been thinking about how to get rid of Eddie.

I must have been expecting him to betray me like this.

We could leave the country.

Not as long as he's a witness against me, ready to press charges.

Well, what if you were caught, darling?

It'll be an accident.

He takes a walk every night right after dinner.

I'll saw my steering bar almost in half.

And I'll drive straight at him, swing the wheel, snap the bar.

Police will say the car was out of control.

Later, I accuse him of stealing, juggling the books, and sawing my

That makes me an accomplice.

We share everything. The money, the happiness, the guilt.

I don't mind.

I love you.

And anyone who harms you is my enemy.

I'm going to buy a hacksaw.

Be careful, darling.

Drive carefully.

You did it?

I did it, all right. I did it.

Let's get the money and get away. Now. Right now. What's the use?

You mean they were rich?

I got arrested.

For murder and they let you go?

For negligent driving.

Eddie walked out, he came towards me.

I started the car, then he changed his mind.

For years, he always walked on that side of the street. Tonight, he had to

change his mind.

I forgot that the steering bar was cut almost in half. I whipped it around. It

snapped in two. I couldn't get control in time. I slammed into a parked car.

I'm glad.

I'm glad.

So am I. Even though I wrecked my grill, I got a ticket.

I can't kill him. I hate him.

He's trying to destroy me, but I can't kill him.

There must be another way. There always is.

How? I mean, as a generalization, there's always another way.

If Eddie saw you... He didn't.

But if he did... Worst that can happen is he saw me smash up my car.

Then the police know who you are. What difference does that make? What's a...

What's a ticket compared to seven charges of criminal fraud?

Let's take our chances. Get the money, buy our tickets, and fly out of the

country, huh? After Eddie files his charges against me, I can be extradited.

can be returned by force.

Then you can't stop him. I can't stop him. I can't stop him.

That's it.

What's it?

I tried to kill the wrong man.

It's only you and Eddie.

But Eddie can't prosecute me if I kill myself.

You can't. You can't kill yourself. I won't let you.

Only for a little while.

I'd rather you killed him or me.

No, him.

I'll only kill myself temporarily.

What do you mean you'll kill yourself temporarily?

I mean not really.

I don't understand.

A fake suicide.

Oh, I'm glad.

I'm glad.

And when the police and Eddie are convinced I'm gone, we can get out

Whose body were you used?

Mine.

They have doctors who will examine you. They'll know you're not dead.

I'll be dead, all right.

Then you mean it.

You really mean it. You're just trying to be nice to me, but you really are

going to kill yourself. There won't be a body.

They'll just find remnants of my suit and shoes and some papers.

That could only be explained if you blew yourself up.

We stuff one of my suits with straw.

We put in waterproof dynamite with a timer.

I tie some weights to it to pull it down, down, then wham!

Dynamite goes off. All they find are bits and pieces of good old Charlie.

I lose a suit but gain a small fortune.

That's horribly wonderful.

Darling, you're so imaginative. You're so creative.

Then it's just us, doll.

Eddie's a mighty suspicious fellow.

Maybe the police will be convinced, but will he?

500 ,000 gallons of water per second pour out to sea with a tide. Who's going

prove what?

Now get me a laundry bag and don't worry about Eddie.

By the time I get through with Eddie,

I'll only come around to offer condolences.

I'm going to need some heavy things.

Any old iron you got or some junk, heavy junk.

And we'll put it into the bag.

And I'll have to get about a hundred feet of rope.

Here's my suicide note to you.

Can I read it now?

Later. We got a lot to do.

A note to Eddie?

No. But he's your partner. Won't he seem funny? It'll make it all the worse.

Gonna see him personally.

Gonna say goodbye to him with a choke in my voice and a tear in my eye.

Well, it's about time you got here. Hello, Edward. Where's the 60 ,000? May

talk to you? Money talks. Put my money where your mouth is. I don't have it.

You haul me up here at midnight to tell me that we're right back where we were?

No.

No.

Don't try anything funny, Charlie. I've still got my gun.

Search me.

Go ahead.

Go on, search me so we can talk without you thinking that I have some stun I'm

going to pull.

All right, turn around.

Well, this is it, Edward.

Edward, now he calls me Edward. You win. I'm finished. Through. Washed up.

And? And I just want you to know I was wrong.

I know I was wrong.

There's no defense for what I did.

What are you up to, Johnny?

I took the money. I stole it.

Borrowed isn't the word. I stole it.

I took such advantage of you.

No explanation will ever justify it.

That's true.

I loved you, Eddie, as only two friends can love each other. Here we go.

But I don't want any special favor.

No special consideration.

No plea to go soft on me with the police. Nothing like that.

Don't play on my sympathy, Charlie. I don't need your sympathy.

Just your forgiveness.

Well, that does it.

I'm going to the DA's office tomorrow morning and swear out a criminal

complaint. I don't want you to forgive me legally.

Just forgive me personally.

I expect you to try to punish me legally.

You've slipped the cog.

All right, then. Don't forgive me. Just let me confess my sin, that's all.

You're the only person that I ever called a friend.

Maybe. Not maybe.

Absolutely. And you know it.

Every deal, every idea, every person I knew, I brought to you for approval.

Your opinion of them. Only if they fitted in with our friendship.

And why?

Why did you ruin it? I don't know why, but I did.

I ruined a special kind of caring that only men who've been through a lot

together can have.

Business, war, your first marriage, my second marriage.

Why, Charlie?

Why did you do it? I don't know why. If I understood for one minute, don't you

think I would have stopped?

That woman put you up to it. Don't blame Danielle.

I gave her everything, but she never asked.

Destroy a relationship like this, to willfully destroy it.

I don't know why.

Neither do I.

You won't have to go through the agony of sending your best friend to jail.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. You still want me to let you off the hook, don't you? No.

Never. Because I'll be dead. Fake.

By the time you open the office tomorrow morning, I'll be dead. Don't pull that

on me, Charlie.

Goodbye, my friend.

Liar.

Come back.

Charlie, don't do it.

No, don't you!

Stop that man!

Do something!

Stop it! Stop that man from suicide!

Come on!

something. Jump in after him.

He blew himself up.

Something, huh?

That's terrible.

At least he went fast.

Yeah, that's true.

He left a note. Yeah.

It must have been suicide.

He left his note.

We tried to get to him with a tremendous explosion.

That was terrible. It had to be suicide.

No, Mr. Turton, no. I told you I'd let you know the minute I heard from him, if

I did.

I know you're as agitated as I am, but I have a right to be concerned about his

life, too.

He was my best friend once.

Well, I can't talk now. I'm nervous enough as it is. Call tomorrow, okay?

Well, honey, I'm dead.

It worked?

Never see good old Charlie Osgood alive again.

No problem?

Maybe a few.

I'll ask you a few questions.

I'll have to hide out for a while.

Did you stop by the apartment and get it?

Get what?

The money.

It isn't in the apartment.

Here's to a glorious future, love.

Eddie Turton started already.

Seven phone calls. Seven! Yeah, there'll be more.

I'll be here to bolster your spirits.

Here? Who would think of looking for the remains of Charlie Osgood and his

fiancée's apartment?

I'm scared, honey. Let's clear out fast.

Fast, but not that fast.

Why not?

Can't leave till after my funeral.

I trust you realize that this is merely a way station and not our final

destination. After a brief way station break...

we shall proceed on our way.

Thank heavens the funeral is today.

It isn't a funeral, love.

Memorial service. There isn't enough left for a funeral.

To me, it's a funeral. And would you please put a coaster under the bottle?

you put it on the table, it leaves rings.

Oh, sure.

Make a very pretty widow.

I'm nervous enough to be one.

You shouldn't be that nervous.

Everything worked the way I said it would.

I know to you, the one at the bridge, the tide washed away most of the suit.

Everything's going great.

Well, I'll let you know when we're in South America.

Get the tickets the day after tomorrow.

And the money, and the police still watching, and living like we're in a

tenement. Honey, you didn't put the coaster on the bottle like I asked you.

Calm down. Easy, love. Well, you'd be upset, too, if you had to go through all

those phone calls. Yeah, I know.

And then having to sit through the funeral. How would you like to sit

your funeral? Yeah, I would.

But on the other hand, I'm sorry I have to miss hearing Eddie deliver a eulogy

for me.

Oh, I thought it was very nice of him to offer.

I didn't say no. It was great.

He sends me to jail when I'm alive, and he gives me tributes when I'm dead.

Would you have done the same thing for him?

Still hasn't stopped looking for that extra $60 ,000.

Well, he can't find it, can he?

Not a chance.

Now you just dry your tears.

On second thought, don't dry them.

They look great. Very convincing.

Oh, that's Eddie.

Didn't I tell you that he'd feel guilty, do everything to help?

But you didn't tell me that the district attorney would stay interested.

Let the funeral settle down. Get me out of the papers a couple days.

Then I make my move.

But they keep asking me questions like they think I know where the money is.

Would it make you feel any better if I told you?

I can't keep Eddie waiting.

Let him wait.

It's my funeral.

And we were all friends of Charles.

Loved ones.

And we all loved him.

We are here to bid farewell to a man who meant a great deal to

everybody in this room.

I can't pretend we all know the circumstances of his...

Last Days.

It's been published in all the daily newspapers.

But it cannot be viewed as the decline and fall of a fine man.

It must only be viewed as part of the tragic circumstances of a man

who loved life too well.

But it's not for us to judge him, only to praise him.

He was a true friend.

A true companion.

A pleasure to spend long hours with.

Who you could rely on in a time of crisis.

He never let you down.

Ever.

Except toward the end, a little.

No, no, no, not a little, not at all.

It's not for us to judge him.

He was everything that a man should be.

Firm and strong when he should be.

Gentle and considerate when he wanted to be.

Noble and pure when he had to be.

And if he ever took anything that didn't belong to him,

and he did.

But that's over. That's done. That's passed and finished.

It's not for us to judge him.

I'll miss his smiling face, his laughter, his jokes.

You see, we were buddies during the war.

I was in charge of his underwater demolition squad in the Navy, if

Excuse my mentioning it.

He was always trying to find a way to make things more pleasant.

Easier.

To sweeten the bitter.

And work.

And play.

He always had an open mind. An open heart.

An open hand. A closed one.

But the money's gone.

There's no point in arguing about it. The money's gone and Charlie's gone and

that's that.

And so we say farewell to Charlie.

And say to you, Charlie, we forgive you.

We love you.

And we'll miss you, Charlie.

But you have no idea how touching it was.

I'm impressed.

I've been impressed ever since you came in.

Half hour ago.

And isn't it good to know that Eddie forgives you?

He wouldn't if he thought I was alive.

You never know.

Hmm? You never know.

Should I turn myself in, give him back the money and find out?

I don't think so.

That's better.

crying about?

I just can't stand all this tension.

Isn't that easier on me?

But it wasn't my idea to work out our problem this way.

You liked all this comfort. You wanted it.

But I never thought they'd find this sad.

Find this sad?

What?

They found it?

One of the officers told me. When? Where?

Right after the funeral, he told me the district attorney wanted to talk to me

about it. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. They finally said, Zach, and your

only solution is, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Please be quiet. Let me think.

Don't answer.

Well, they know I'm here.

I thought Eddie brought you.

Well, he did, but I saw the police follow me.

What do I tell them? What?

Nothing. You don't know anything about anything.

Sorry to press this matter, but we've waited three days.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

I'll make this as brief as possible.

But I want you to explain something to us, please.

If I can.

Now, this contains the laundry sack and some of the objects we found in the

sack, which Charles Osgood used to weight his body.

What are you bringing them to me for?

This bag has your laundry mark on it.

Why, that's not possible.

Indelible ink, like all laundry marks.

Well, he must have taken it while I was out.

Then he had access to your apartment?

I don't know.

You don't know if he had a key?

I can't remember if I let him in or sometimes he let himself in.

Is this your iron?

I don't know.

Do you have one like it?

I don't know.

Is this skillet yours?

I don't... No?

That isn't what I was going to say.

Oh? What were you going to say?

Exactly.

I beg your pardon?

I don't know exactly if it was mine.

Well, then, do you know approximately if it's yours?

I don't know.

Well, I'm going to assume that it's yours.

Now, did you give these to Charles Osgood?

Haven't I had enough trouble?

This is your laundry bag, isn't it?

Why me?

What is it that you're looking for?

Charles Osgood committed suicide.

You do know that, don't you?

And he blew himself up.

Well, now, don't you think it's strange that a man who's going to blow himself

up would also attach weights to his feet to drown himself?

You don't think it's strange?

Oh, you do.

Oh, now we don't know again.

I'm sorry to have to ask at a time like this.

But I'm sure that you know why I'm doing it.

Do you have a lawyer, Miss Sweetser?

What if they do?

We'll be out of the country by then.

What if they don't let me go?

I'll find a way. I'll find one.

Will you come forward then and save me?

Oh, that'd be just great, wouldn't it?

I'd go to jail for twice a sentence if I did that. They'd only throw the book at

me if I did a thing like that.

But it's all right if I go to jail, is that it? I mean, it's all right if I go.

I won't let that happen. They can't.

What if I just get so nervous I tell them where you are?

You wouldn't.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

That'd only ruin the both of us.

You'd be considered an accomplice of mine to defraud Eddie.

Then we're trapped.

No.

You've ruined our lives.

I'll be gone for just a week.

A week? Why, anything can happen in a whole week.

I'll get the fake passports, the tickets, and the money.

Can I depend on you?

I love you, love.

Forever and ever?

Because we're more than fiancés.

How do you mean?

You're my new partner.

Hello, love.

Where are you?

Never mind. I got the passports.

Did you get the money?

Too many people around.

I'll get it tomorrow.

Hello, love.

Please, where are you?

Never mind.

I got the entry visas to the country we're going to.

Did you get the money?

Still too many people around.

I'll get it tomorrow.

Hello, love.

Where are you now?

I got the plane tickets.

Would you tell them to get the money?

I think you're going to have to help me.

The phone might have ears. Send me a special delivery letter.

Danielle?

It's a wig.

Police still following you?

Oh, no, I lost them on 15th Street.

Then why the wig?

I put it on after I lost them. If they sat on all points on me, they'd be

looking for a blonde.

Where'd you pick up that kind of talk?

Well, if I'm going to be dishonest, I'm going to be dishonest in a professional

way.

Well, baby, better think twice on the next move.

Get some money and a chance of getting caught.

I'm getting nervous.

Where do you think the money is?

I don't know.

Don't play games. I don't know.

In the office.

Where? Last place in the world anyone would think of looking.

The office of Turton and Osgood.

And you want me to help you get it out of there?

If you don't care enough to help us out of this, then I'm really on my own. I

might as well know it now.

They'll have a lot to rebuild after this.

But a good foundation.

Well, what do I do?

I'll give you the key. I have to avoid the watchman.

As soon as you get the office and see that it's clear, you call me at this

number.

It's a phone call.

Hello? I'm here.

I'll be right up.

Why don't you just tell me where it is and I'll bring it down?

Oh, love, you let me handle that.

Debt correspondence file.

A, B, C... A, L... There we are.

M.

M for money.

Down. Isn't it?

It's amazing.

I think so, too.

Don't cry.

I'm so proud of you.

No trick to it. A partner always overlooks obvious things in the obvious

If I had some liquor, I'd drink a toast to the smartest man I've ever known.

Why pretend? We can use my partner's 20 -year -old bonded bourbon.

Seems only fitting that we toast Eddie's loss with Eddie's liquor.

I'm sentimental that way.

You're the most sentimental man I've ever known.

Money can't buy everything, but here's to all the wonderful things it can buy.

Wipe the fingerprints from the glasses, honey.

Since I'm dead, and dead men don't...

I've been poisoned.

57 ,000.

57 ,100.

57 ,200.

57 ,300.

57 ,400.

Looking for your accomplice, Charlie?

She's well taken care of.

I suppose you're wondering how we knew you'd picked the right bottle, Charlie.

Well, you always reached for my best bourbon, remember?

But Danielle and I protected ourselves.

We doped all the bottles.

You see, after the funeral, Eddie told me that I must forgive you, too.

He told me about all the girls you'd been engaged to and left and were

like you betrayed Eddie.

So after you and I argued, I thought, now why make you do something that

just feel terrible about?

Why make you feel guilty about betraying me?

Why not just do the best thing for everybody?

And with all the trouble...

Why make it worse for you, Charlie?

Why report the money? Why, I ask myself.

I'll deduct the loss as stolen money, but I'll have the money. And you'll be

relieved of all the responsibility.

Well,

what should we do now? Call the police?

There's something even better.

What's better?

You mean you haven't thought of it?

Thought of what?

He's already committed suicide.

He's dead, love.

No weights this time, you know.

I should hope not, love.

I seem to be left with nothing but a pumpkin containing a rather

squashed schoolmarm.

A minister, a lady of doubtful virtue, a man unjustly accused of murder, and a

drunken doctor.

I warned them they should get out of that coach before midnight, but they

wouldn't listen.

Apparently, justice is as relentless in the East as in the West. For when bits

of Charlie began washing up on the shore, Eddie and Danielle were both

They were sentenced to life imprisonment for murder.

and fine $10 for littering.

And now, if you wish to see scenes of our next production, please bear with us

through the following commercial.