Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I shall resist the temptation to make tiresome comparisons with my sponsor.

After all, I have no desire to hurt anyone's feelings.

And my friend here is about to become one of our nation's heroes.

He must have learned the news.

He's been selected to go to the moon.

He's not very excited about it.

Either that or his trousers are too tight again.

Before we launch our brave little explorer, we have a training film to

You may watch, too.

I was

down

at Frank's place.

Oh, boy.

You know, I dreamt I was down at that bar down at Frank's place.

There was a seal that had these rings in his ears, and he had this ape or this

monk. Them chimps. Oh, I paid him 500 clams.

500? Oh, don't worry, honey. It was only a dream.

The way we're fixed, Leo, it's a nightmare.

I know, but you see... I was standing there, and he bring...

What's the matter?

My sainted Aunt Emily.

Looks like her, doesn't it?

But it ain't.

I'm still dreaming. I'm still dreaming.

When I wake up, it'll be gone.

And our savings, where will they be?

All right, Leah.

Get up.

And get out.

Dream that you're finding that sailor. Dream that he takes back that monkey and

gives us back our dough.

But you don't understand, honey.

He wasn't that kind of guy.

All right, then I will.

I'll find him. Where'd you say he was at when you met him at Frankie's? Yeah.

I'll track him down.

Taking advantage of a poor drunken slob like you, $500 for a dirty monkey.

But you see, honey, he said it was an act.

Well, it can draw.

That's where we blow the whistle on him. Fraud, false pretender. Money back or

here come the cops.

Hey, monkey.

Monkey, what are you doing?

Stop that monkey.

That's it.

Leo Torby, you get rid of this animal.

Sailor or no sailor, money or no money, take him to a zoo, sell him to a pet

shop. There's no room here for a chimp. Relax, will you, honey?

Besides, she ain't a him, she's a her.

Oh, it's a her. Well, all the same, she should have her mind washed out with

soap. Well, look, that's a pretty classy drawing, and you know what they say,

one picture's worth a thousand words. Oh, it is, is it? Well, why don't you

in the boys or have it put on a picture postcard, maybe? Oh, no.

Not me, you don't. Oh, come on, honey, you're spoiling it. Your own wife,

married, legal, make a show of me, would you? Oh, you know I'd never ask you to

do an act like that. Leo, one of them stays here.

Sure, but that was art and you ruined it.

Vandalism.

It spoke.

And why not?

Emilia Maria Trevittari.

But that sailor said you was Mam... Mamber... Mamberilla, the jungle genius.

That's for the act.

Upstage. Maria.

How do you do?

For a woman, though, Liz.

Well, you said there's no room for a chimp.

Less for a woman. A chimp, a woman, honey, what's the difference? She's a

goldmine. Well, I don't dig it.

Maria, you put that back on, you know.

I mean, don't let nobody ever see you without it.

It's your meal. Take it same as ours. You'll get your cut.

But to all the world, you're a monkey.

Ah, honey, come on. Be reasonable.

She gives me the scissors.

She's gonna give you a mink coat one of these days.

Now, look, sweetie, you know as well as I do that we're going nowhere with our

mind -reading act. There's just not a chance. But with her in the act, I mean

chimp that can draw, is that an attraction or ain't it?

To me, it ain't.

Right now, we're not even drawing flies.

But with her, we'll jam the place. We'll have to stay in that room only.

And it's for those pictures he draws. Five bucks, ten bucks a piece we can get

for him, maybe. And people just buy them just to show to their friends, to show

that they have them.

Don't you believe me?

No.

All right, we'll give her a tryout.

We'll give her a tryout before the pros and the troupe.

Sure.

Well, Pellier.

very much. Sorry, folks.

Sorry not to let you close up, but you know what these chimps, if one of you's

got a cold, they're apt to get galloping consumption.

Delicate, you know. Divine.

Beautiful.

Magnificent. A thing of beauty.

Stick to your cats, Magnifico. That's what I'm doing, Tigress. Nothing else

Oh, can the bologna. You're slave.

My cat, what do you say? What do you say? An attraction?

The monkey?

Talk to me about lions, tigers, leopards.

Women. But look, a work of art.

For me, the original.

My personal congratulations, Mr. Thorby.

You've got the goods. A gold mine. Thank you.

You got something there, Leo. I'll say that.

But do you have organization?

Have you got capital?

Oh, I'll work it up, Benny.

Now look, the rifle range it pays, see?

I got the dough and I got the know -how. With me as a partner, you could make...

No, thanks, Benny, no. Or sell it outright.

Cash down.

No, sorry, sorry.

Maybe I can spray you.

Bet I can persuade you.

This is business. Stay out.

Think it over.

No, Benny.

I prefer to go it alone.

Honey,

what a rehearsal.

It was a dream.

Maria, you're a sweetheart.

Those guys fixing the tent stood there watching us, their eyes popping out of

their heads.

I guess I...

I wish you was in it with me, Carol. I really do.

After all, it's always been you and me, you and me together.

So now it's you and her.

Any act, I don't care how intellectual, needs a dame.

To do what, cheer?

Well, cooperate a bit, maybe.

Cooperate.

That's the word.

When a woman hears that she wonders what she's in for, well, what do I do

besides living with a monkey? I know it's difficult for you. Playing second

fiddle to a freak. We're going to work something out. Well, come on, tell me.

What are we going to work out? What do I do for it?

It's a tear in a costume.

Some dog rushed out and took a bite out of her and ripped it.

What's the matter? She can draw, can't she sew?

Well, you see, it's in the back of her leg where she can't get at it without

taking off the whole costume, and who knows who'll come barging in here.

Sit down.

Let's have it.

Some dog. What was it? A chihuahua?

Put your mask back on. You look better that way.

Cover up, I said.

Anyone home?

Quick. Quick.

Quick. Come on. Get rid of him.

Come in.

Hello, Torby.

Well?

Does the lady ask me in? Oh, come on, Romeo.

Are you going to get plastered again?

Well, there's no show tonight. It's there. It's Monday. Would you like one?

Oh, no, no, no. Thank you very much.

I can understand that. You're afraid the lines will bite your head off if you

take a drop. Same thing happens to me when I take a drop.

You get stinking drunk. I'm not... Whether or not I do these days... If you

any trouble with him, beautiful, you just step across and you tell El

all about it.

She'd like to, but it's coming on to rain.

Well, you know, actually, I came over to ask you if you've got a little

something for the stomach.

This is it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I've had such a pain all the afternoon.

I'll take a look.

Oh, thank you very much.

I drink to genius.

You're nothing but an ape, but a genius all the same.

Oh, she can draw.

Draw anything you like.

But let me tell you something. If she don't see it, she can't draw it.

No, sir.

Artistic integrity.

You know, only this morning I said to her, try and draw an elephant.

And she tried.

Made some marks, you know.

Dead end.

No elephant.

Didn't see it, couldn't draw it.

Then this guy comes along, leading that elephant out of Sammy's actual.

Mm -hmm.

She takes one look, grabs a piece of chalk.

One, two, three.

Elephant. Great, great. Fantastic.

Here, try these.

Oh, thank you very much.

If she sees them, nicks.

If she don't, nicks.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, good night.

If you feel bad later, we'll... Call a doctor, pal. Better than a nurse. Don't

go out in the rain, honey. Stay right here.

What you drink is so stupid.

Not so stupid, Megan.

Well, good night, dear lady.

Back monkey.

Thank you.

What's the joke? Let's have a look.

Hey.

What's that supposed to be? My wife with El Magnifico? Is that the idea?

Too bad you didn't stick to mind reading, pal. You might have read the

headlines.

Yeah.

We'll see about that. Come on.

Come on. Here's another, Leo.

I know where she is.

But, Leo, listen. You don't understand.

Hey,

shut the door. I'm dressing. Dressing and packing.

Packing? Packing what?

You're out. You're through. You know what you are?

Leo, you've drunk yourself crazy. You're mad.

Good and mad.

Boy, you're getting packed and getting out. I'm putting you on that bus.

What bus? I'm getting rid of you.

Now, this is yours.

This? Where's the other bag?

You.

What got into me, huh? I've gotten wife to you, sneaking off last night after I

fell asleep. You and your lion tamer? Me and him, it's a lie. Yeah, you were

seen, seen. How else could the monkey have drawn you?

Where are those slippers?

Where are those shoes?

Leo, I swear to you, I never set foot outside this trail. You know me, I'm not

liar. Leo, I swear, I swear, I swear, I never set foot outside the trail.

How'd the mud get in these shoes? Come on, you're getting on that bus. Don't

screw it. Come on, I got your back. Now get out.

I said now keep moving.

Go!

Where's El Magnifico?

I'm packing his things for him.

That's what I'm doing, as Reed questioned.

Bert's feeding his cats while he's gone.

Gone? Where to?

When did he leave? Last night they took him, Bert and Fred.

Hospital. Ruptured appendix when you didn't hear about it.

Appendix?

Ah, and horrible agony.

Rolling around outside there.

She couldn't possibly have.

Well, they got him cut open. Rest in easy.

No visitors.

Now, let's see. He wants his new pajamas, his bathrobe, his toothbrush,

his hairbrush, his comb, and his...

So that's your game, is it?

That's your little game.

You never have shaken her out.

With you, men are so quick.

She's gone.

She's out. Like you said, out, out. And you and I...

Have I been dumb?

Never mind.

Yes, Oliver.

And now?

You were the one that put the mud on our shoes, weren't you?

Oh, Carol.

Carol.

Carol.

Oh, I forgot.

Sure.

Seeing you and I'd say... skin all the time I more than half forgot you wasn't

monkey I know

of course

you're a woman a woman Leo

Might have known.

You know, Benny, guys like us who've been in show business half our lives,

the biggest suckers of all. We'll believe anything.

Listen, the figures I gave you was for a genuine chimpanzee.

You wanted the act that brings in the dough, didn't you?

There it is.

Me?

Listen, Benny, if you don't want to buy us, say so, and the deal's off on us for

you. If you don't want to play along, you say so, and I'll dump you out on

road when the school lets out. There are some pretty tough kids in that school.

Okay. Well, which is it?

See?

I had it typed up.

The dough, the percentage, you sign here, I sign there, and you put

it on and keep it on.

I've written it three times and haven't gotten an answer.

Letters can take a while to catch up with a person.

Yeah, that's true, but sometimes when they do catch up, you get the brush off

all the same.

Look at this.

Had the idea to write a certain outfit in Chicago and it caught up with her,

see? She never got the others.

So she's coming back to me. Yeah.

She's coming back to me tonight on the last bus.

And I'm having a celebration.

Got a little snack.

Got a bottle of champagne.

Her.

Me.

So draw a picture of that.

Monkey.

you said Leo.

study painting and is doing very well now under a different name of course to

lose something or other as for ben his was a happy ending too except that it

been delayed by a 25 year sentence and speaking of interminable sentences i

shall return after this one i don't know how it happened

he simply outwitted me I'm afraid to ask who's going to the moon now.